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May 31st, 2005
07:45 pm
As has happened three times in the past week, I come home riding an immense emotional high. As usual, something happens and the Crash comes. This time it's a particularly hard crash. I don't want to get up but the kittens are hungry and we are out of food. Reluctantly, I grab my keys and leave the apartment.
When I get in my car and prepare to drive away, something hits me. I need to walk. I know how much I hate walking in Hemet and I know how stupid this must be, especially after what happened last time, but I need it. I get out of my car and head down the street, shoulders and eyes both low.
At the first crude gesture I receive from some yahoo, I suddenly see one of my People. For those of you who don't know, my People are small visions I occasionally have of people I have never seen. Usually they are a quick, still flash of a striking but regular person that one wouldn't be surprised to see coming out of a supermarket. However, the Person I see this time is completely different.
She is huge--maybe ten feet tall--with diamond hair, flashing eyes, and wings of steel. She carries no weapon for She depends on no one and nothing but Herself. She is strong and beautiful, and Her eyes, if She wishes, could destroy anything that stands in her way.
The image fades quickly, but I feel stronger. I keep walking.
Then a man on a motorcycle stops in my path and leers at me. For a moment I think I am afraid, but then I become Her. Steel wings explode from my shoulder blades and my back straightens. I keep walking. "What, you don't like the bike?" The man says in his oily voice. I keep walking. I hear a motor rev, and the man is on his way.
Then another man stops his car in the driveway in front of me. I hesitate. Is he trying to turn around? He nods at me and I continue. I sense a pause. "Wait, what's your name?" He calls. My eyes flash and focus straight ahead. I ignore him. "Come on..." I shut him out. Soon he too is gone.
As I leave the store, I barely notice the cat calls of the teenager on his bike. I am ten feet tall and glowing.
Maybe some people will say this strange Person is my guardian angel. I prefer to call her my backbone, for that's what she is. She is my strength. She is me.
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April 2nd, 2005
11:29 pm - Oh, what to do...
I still can't interact with people.
When I act like my "normal self" with complete strangers, they think I have brain damage and either avoid me or treat me like a little kid. No, I'm not exaggerating. The only time this doesn't happen is when I meet kindred spirits.
When I try to act outgoing, it hurts. It actually causes me physical pain to force the words past my constricted throat and pretend to smile. I also feel fake, and I hate myself for it.
When I skip the small talk and go straight to the point (quietly and with no smile, which I how I prefer to interact), they think I'm a snobby bitch. (I know I could get away with this in northern Europe...they don't bother with insincere pleasantries there either.)
And no matter which one of these I choose, my tongue always trips and I start to stutter and hesitate. (Unless I can tell we're going to hit it off. But that's rare.)
I probably have social anxiety and need to take medicine. But I also have all those other anxiety disorders as well, and I don't know what to do about that (I have to sleep either with someone else or with my lights on, or else nuclear weapons will come and eat me in my sleep).
Besides, I hate medicine. Prozac made me outgoing for a few months...outgoing in the "let's take some scissors and cut up our arms in the bathroom to get attention, hooray!" sort of way.
Then there's that other problem: I must have people constantly paying attention to me and praising me, and yet I hate being the center of attention and being praised.
I thought I was supposed to have gotten over this about three years ago, anyway...
Whatever. Here are some cats being funny.
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March 19th, 2005
December 25th, 2004
01:16 pm
There are times when, like everyone else, I really wish I had a camera.
Now is one of those times.
I would take a picture and write HARLOT on it in a big, fancy font and post it all over the internet because I look that damn good and harlot-ish.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love MAC?
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November 2nd, 2004
09:33 pm
Using  yodafire's philosophy, I tried to separate myself into six parts. According to him they were supposed to be Physical, Mental, Spiritual, Motivational, Social, and Sexual but with me they were Nymph, Faerie, Unicorn, Banshee, Vampire, and Maenad. I tried to attach each of these avatars to one of his classifications but I wasn't quite happy with the results, and after talking to my dad I found out why.
He said that there's a seventh one...the destructive Loki figure. Everyone has this, there's nothing we can do about it...And it seems to be a good thing from what I can gather, if its influence is tempered by the others. So after adding that to my view of the whole thing, I noticed another figure emerge: a demi-goddess/angel.
Now I finally have them all worked out:
Nymph = Motivational
Faerie = Social
Unicorn = Mental
Angel = Spiritual
Banshee = Destructive
Vampire = Sexual
Maenad = Physical
I've already begun to notice that the addition of a seventh avatar prevents them all from grouping too much, and seeing each one of them separately makes it easier for me to focus on making myself a better person.
I've also begun to notice that this says a whole lot about my religion...But this will have to be explained later, if at all.
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September 15th, 2004
09:05 pm
I've finally gotten around to making a list of my goals. I only have up to January...but that's pretty good for me.
Immediate:
Be more serious about work and Tae Kwon Do
Be consistent about everything I'm trying to do
Be more clean/tidy/organized/etc.
Get more sleep
Drink more water
Eat
Fix my posture
Stop being so quiet
Get ahold of my mind, energy, and emotions...they're too out of control
Read all those books I have lying around
Flesh out all the story ideas I've been playing around with
Come up with more lingerie and mask designs
Learn how to cook with as little assistance as possible
Work on my damn Halloween costume
One month from now:
Work out where and with whom I am going to be living next year
Learn how to be a college student
January:
Live somewhere else
Start college again (this time for sure!)
I'm coming along well with all this so far. And I swear I will keep it up...no losing interest this time, I mean it.
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August 30th, 2004
06:15 pm
Wow.
For the past hour I have been so unbelievably worried about nothing at all...I'm just so paranoid inside it's making me sick to my stomach.
I was completely baffled about this for a while, then I realized...
It was her.
That one side of myself that doesn't have a form yet...she's the part of me that's always worried, paranoid, depressed, and insecure.
I've been working out what the other sides are (and I have a nymph, a faerie, a unicorn, a vampire, and a maenad...I shall post more about them when I've worked on them a little more), but this one's just so confusing I've barely gotten anything about her. She may be a ghost, a banshee, or a fallen angel but I'm not at all sure.
But whatever she is...she definitely wants me to pay more attention to her.
Edit: Got it. She's the caregiver. She worries and becomes depressed whenever something goes wrong with those she cares about. Since she cares about so many things (friends, family, the earth, etc.) and at least one of them is always upset...she's constantly depressed. And since she cares about me and I am her...this creates an annoying cycle that's very difficult to break away from.
But now that I've realized this, maybe it will be easier...?
I'm still not sure what type of critter she is but this seems like a very human attitude to me.
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August 18th, 2004
09:04 pm
Just a note...
This journal isn't going to go anywhere if I keep deleting my entries.
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August 6th, 2004
10:10 am
Well...things are going on that could leave at least three people extremely pissed at me...Lots of misunderstandings. I'm probably overreacting, but I get distressed easily, especially over things like this.
I was pretty upset for a while. I still am, but after listening to some kargyraa I feel better. Something about that kind of singing just shakes all feeling out of you and leaves you feeling calm and numb.
I still need to talk to these people, if they want to listen to me.
Current Music: Yat-Kha
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July 28th, 2004
09:54 am - Well I'm amused...
So far the only people who know about this account and have friended me are the boys. None of the girls have yet.
By the way, even if I don't seem to be updating very much I probably am...a lot of my entries are going to be private. Don't feel left out, they're just very personal.
Current Music: "Bukë E Kripë Në Vatër Tonë" - 3 Mustaphas 3
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