patandt

today is bad
I woke up at my friends & she took me home at like six am cause she had to work & for those who have been following my posts You know i dont have a car. Well i tried to get back in bed & get some more rest but that didnt really work. Before she brought me home (4am- had two cookies), then at my house I had probably five hundred calories this morning. ugh
It was like a binge
I went to the gym and worked out for 11 minutes. What the heck is up with my behaviors?
Well tomorrow i have group therapy & wed I have individual well see how that goes. My therapist wanted to put me in the hospital earlier this week. Hopefully all goes well.
Doesnt look like ive lost weight n a really long time.
How are you guys doing? Well I hope. I know that lately a lot of you have been struggling. Im here for your support. We can do this.

todays plans

shower & do hair/make up
Maybe see Brett (guy im tlking to)
layout by the pool
maybe go for a swim
look for a stinkin job
try to stay busy so you arent tempted to eat
workout is a must

God bless your day

I dont even know where to begin. I am determined to get to 100 lbs by mid june. I dont even know what im at right now. I know that a couple months ago i was 120, but im pretty sure ive lost some weight. anorexia has consumed me. i dont think its been this bad in a long long while. I was doing good for about a month or two, then out of no where i stopped eating & started obsessing again. Here is how my day goes now.
I wake up, look in the mirror, think things that are horrible about myself. Work out obsessively. It seems that im not doing enough working out. I dont really have much energy, so im not really working out as much as i should. My waist is about a 26''. Im wearing a size one & sometimes three. I sit on youtube all day long looking up songs about anorexia and videos other girls going through this are experiencing. it is very inspiring to know that we are not alone, to know that there are others like myself, ourselves. I go to the library and i look for books about eating disorders. I google different movies that are directed toward eating disorders and I watch them on youtube. I think ive seen almost all the movies on eating disorders. I hate that my mom is up my butt all the time! I am seeing a therapist & im surprisingly honest with you. Last week i told her i lost weight bec i think i have. I told her i wasnt eating & then she told me she was going to tell my mom & i was so pissed bec my mom and i dont get along at all. i hate her and she hates me. So my therapist said that we could make a meal plan and i go by that and she wouldnt tell my mom. well i was actually going by it, then i find out my mom goes to pay her and she tells my mom what i said. Thats so messed up bec im twenty years old and i know she has the responsibility to tell someone who “cares about me” when she thinks im a danger to myself. BUTTTTT we made a freaking meal plan! my mom just came home yellling at me and when she tells me to eat and i dont, she just says “wat the hell am i paying for counseling for if you are just purposely dont eat?” that is my biggest annoyance right now. I swear ughH! my therapist is the only person who even comes close to getting me. Yesterday i saw her again & i came home and i was crying really hard, like bawling actually. My friend came over & was pissed bec i lied to her about eating. Shes like eight years old than I and shes a heath teacher so shes all like this is not healthy. this is a choiice. BLAH! i just wish people would leave me alone so to that i could do whatever i wanted. no one can help me if i dont want to help myself. I dont want help. dang. I have been eating here and there. Like yesterday when i ate because my friend gave me the dang guilt trip, my tummy hurt all night long. Then this morning i felt a whole lot better. I got on the exercise bike and burned a hundred calories & then got online & watched some more videos on anorexia and bulimia. I listened to songs that I relate to. another thing... my mom owes my counseor nearly 1 thousand dollars. I dont have a car. i dont have a job. im a college student. i have a really big problem. its a secret. i need help. my moms refusing to pay for my counseling aparently... and then she says she cant pay for me to get a car bec shes used all that money that was suppose to go to me getting a car- on my counseling. So she said i need to get a job to pay for my own car. Which makes no fucking sense. Okay... i want a job.. ill get one.. but NO CAR! then she wants me to pay for my tuition & obviously im going to have to pay for my counseling bec shes behind and its really not fair to my counselor its bullshit. So now im going to need to get a job. save for a car so i have a way to get there. then im going to need to use some of that money im saving to pay for college & to pay for counseling. then im going to run out of money and ill never get a car. When school starts again she drops me off at 6:30 am, which the campus doesnt even open until 6:45 so i sit outside. Then she doesnt pick me up until 5pm. So during that time period how the hell would i get a job?
my school isnt even in the same town as where i live. So i cant walk to work then walk home or i cant wak home and then go to work and walk home. my school is about 15 mies from me. i swear its just a cycle repeating itself. i wish anorexia would just kill me. honestly. My phone is disconnected bec my sister ran the bill up to one thousand dollars && my mom wont pay for it. Shes waiting for my stupid preg 21 yr old sister to pay. So now i have no way of contacting anyone if i needed someone to tlk to. Right now im thinking about starting to walk/run/jog about ten miles a day. Eating less than 300-500 calories a day. Not telling any authority figure what im doing. I can do this. i can get to 100 within a couple weeks. right?

=(

http://www.myspace.com/amberfreakint

sorry about that guys...

=D

okay for those of you who have been following my posts, I was talking about modeling... Well I tried to upload some photos and it was just taking awhile, so I just sent my myspace link, there are plenty on there. I am up for honesty, I don't mind critics, at all. Also, I just want to know if you think I have what it takes, or if i should just not try. Thanks in advance, I hope you ladies and gents are doing okay with ana and mia. How are we all doing?

XoXo
Amber

Hey loves,

Well well well
I haven't been on in awhile. Okay so heres the update. I finally told on that counselor at my college who treated me like total crap. I'm pretty sure ill never see him again. I told my teacher. =)
On second note... My life is pretty ridiculous right now. I go to counseling once a week & thats individual. That is 100$ a week. Then i go to group once a week as well and that is 268$ a month. My mom is definitely like three months behind. She is also two payments behind in my college tuition. Which is about 500$ total. I don't have a job. I am trying to look. I don't even have a car. I don't know what the heck I am suppose to do. I want to go away to college to get the heck away but I can't even afford anything. Much less a car. I want to stop counseling. But i cant because i signed this thing that said i would go to group therapy until june. that is when the program is finished. and to be in the group therapy i have to go once a week to individual therapy. I take stupid medicine that is for anorexia nervosa and depression. two diff kinds of meds. stupid. I mean sometimes it feels good just to type it out and "vent" but right now when i am typing it all out, its not helping. Im actually getting more mad. I havent worked out since like easter. And i have been eating like a frikkin pig. I just hate it. I hate it. I want to apply to americas next top model. If anyone wants to give me feedback comment back and ill send my images I have for my portfolio so far. Idk if im even pretty enough. def not small enough.but i mean i am like desperate for someone to hang out that lives near me to hang out with. I mean someone who isnt like everyone else. everyone else is so fake and acts like its totally not okay to be depressed. which is sooo stupid because everyones got issues some just pretend theres nothing wrong. And some of ours are bigger. When i tell ppl what i struggle with they just look at me like im so stupid and weird. you know what... i think about all my problems and its soo overwhelming. geez. Nothing in my life is going right right now. I cant stand my family. I have no friends, really. I dont. I cant ever even sleep. Im gaining weight like a mofo.

=(

hey I am new here...
i just wanted to thank all of you for the tips and suggestions.. i am really fat n i want to take a lot of weight of like around 40 pounds.. do you guys think i will be able to do that??? what keep you guys moving ????? i lose control so often i am ashamed of myself all the time.. Can you suggest something that can make me constant and moving..

Okies ladies,

I went to the doctor. It turns out that i am dehydrated and my kidneys are shutting down from anorexia. Be careful guys. I care about you all and I hope that you all stay strong and don't hurt yourselves. Of course I'm still anorexic, that doesnt just go away over night. And im not trying to eat right now. But i know soon I will have to go through treatment.

This is pretty scary.
If you need to talk or just want someone to know that they are there for you or you just want to vent; whatever the case may be. I am up for it. Just comment me back.

Yesterday I was at the college and I went to one of the college counselors to talk because i wanted to talk about my feelings and i told him pretty much my whole life story and Not exaggerating or anything, he told me " Youre an ass, youre an ass amber!" "SHUT UP" and he said..." I dont give a shit about your eating disorder, if youre going to come in here... do not talk about it, dont even mention food." He also said "when people try to help you, you just humor them and say what they want you to and the moment you leave, youre saying fuck you, to everyone around"

He was a totally freakin idiot. Is that even okay? Can a college counselor do that?

x

Good Morning lovelies,

I hope you're all doing well. On Monday I had counseling and my therapist said that if I didnt eat three meals a day and two snacks that she was sending me to an eating disorder treatment clinic, by force. That is so stupid. First off... Someone with an eating disorder can't just start eating like that one day. Another thing, i dont want to get better; so i shouldnt have to and i wont. I am twenty years old, can she really force me? I am five foot eight, and 120 pounds, that's about normal. This is prob my heaviest, so wtf?

Last night I was cleaning my room and i bent down to pick up a shirt off the floor and when i came back up, i had sharp shooting pains on my left side and left lower back. It hurt so bad. i had to lye down. Towards midnight-ish It started hurting really bad on my side. When I woke up this morning I had a really bad pain still in my left side. Does anyone know what that could be? I think I might go see a doctor after class. It really hurts. =(

Goodbye everyone, wish me luck on my test.

Have a wonderful day as well.
God Bless you all.

x