Okay... remember me?
I completely forgot this existed until today. In going back and reading old blog entries, including reading some physical journals from high school, I have come up with the following conclusion:
I was incredibly dramatic.
Good lord! This was a huge outlet for me for so long... now I just talk to myself :)

So, in the last 6 years? Much has changed. I went through some more treacherous relationships, got a new, life saving diagnosis, moved back to Madison, left my therapist, Heather, of 10 years, both of my parents died 3 months apart, and am currently on my 7th year as a CNA, currently working at an inpatient hospice (the best job I've ever had), and at my 2nd go at nursing school. Yes... after all that school, all those major changes.. I am going to be a Nurse. It's the perfect career for me.
Living with both of my brothers, supporting my younger brother who is 18- and a little shit (that's called Karma).
I have a far better handle on coping with life, but not without struggle. I'm painfully self aware. Sometimes, ignorance truly is bliss. Isn't growing fun?
I don't know that I'll really get rid of this blog- it's kinda fun to come on and read sometimes if I need a reminder that I am, in fact, different. But, I think that I will start a new one. One that's more focused.
That's all for now- if anyone is actually reading this- if anyone actually reads blogs anymore??

I also found some pictures in here that I forgot existed. I was so tiny!

Wow, just wow.

So we have this new Pastor. Bill Busch. He's amazing in a way I can't really explain. We had our first Sunday with him last Sunday, and our first time back at Worship team... which was just an amazing night. First of all, to be back together again... felt so wonderful, like being home again after two months of being lost. There were abotu 40 people who showed up, and we're used to at the max 3. The prescense of God was strong and powerful in a way that we'd been praying for for MONTHS. It was incredible.

Anyway, we met for worship tonight. I expected it to be me, Pam, Joyce, Erin and Robin, and Bert, just to sing a little, then be on our way.

Let me back up. I talked to Pam on the phone today for quite some time. I hadn't seen her in a month and really wanted to talk to her about all that's been going on.. the hosptial and everything. She called today and we talked. And bless her heart, she's so full of faith and it's wonderful... God has blessed her life and changed her life... but some of it seems a little.... unrealistic. I don't know, it's all frustrating... the God thing. She believes that there's no answer but Jesus. Jesus will come in and heal you, and miracles can happen overnight.... etc. That bad things, bad thoughts.... bad thoughts on ourselves... are caused by the devil, and we have to let Jesus overrrule the devil. I have to be honest when I say that I don't believe in the Devil. Maybe to an extent... but not to that extreme. I feel like when I finally get to a place of true faith, true prayer, true seeking.... things happen like my friends die. I get raped and back to that place of faith and healing once again, to find out I have an STD. If I was really God's precious child, if He really loved me and cared for me and will never leave me or forsake me, wants what is best for me, why would he let that happen? I cried and cried out to him, begging him to make it stop, for him to send someone, something, but he never did. He never helped me... just let it happen. I feel like theres so many unanswered questions. I know it sounds horrible, but God's word-- the bible-- the scripture... it's just words. Just a book. Nothing I can see. Nothing I can prove. I'm not saying I don't believe... I do. It just makes my head spin, is what I'm trying to say. And what im going through is a little more complex than "Jesus save me. ok done" and I know that sounds bad too.... what can't God do... what can't God fix? Nothing, right? It's not that simple... its not that black and white. It just frustrates me.

Anyway, tonight, after a long discussion we went into a time of prayer and each one of us was "anointed" by this pastor... with oil. When it was my turn, it was intense. As he prayed for me, I felt hands on me, in particular Pam's, and I could feel her crying. And she wasn't just crying, lol, she was CRYING. I could hear it, and feel it through her hand. And I could feel her love for me.. and God's love for me too, although that wasn't as apparent, I guess. I just know how much she cares and only wants what's best for me, and wants to show me a life of healing and happiness the only way she knows how. And that means everything to me. Not just her but that whole group of people... I don't deserve them.... I don't feel like I deserve God's love either, and that's the whole reason it's so difficult and frustrating sometimes.

But, tonight. That was powerful. This man is going to do great thigns for our church. I can feel it. I miss Diane, I love her so much and she will always be my pastor... she was my first... she taught me so much.... however, I know there is a lot more to come. "The best is yet to come"....

I have the biggest urge to stop taking my medication.
The withdrawl symptoms can be severe, if you just suddenly stop, but seriously, part of me doesn't care.
They can range from severe panic attacks, insomnia, to seizures, to hallucinations leading to schizophrenia and psychosis. According to wikepidea, the most severe affect of withrawl is suicide. Yeah well... that's rough.
The highest dose you can be on is three times a day and I'm on it three times a day, have since the beginning.
If I decide to be smart about it I'm still going to get off it. What in the hell is the point? They're not doing anything anymore. I'm still having daily panic attacks, cutting myself every day, and my head is telling me to do crazy things. It's worsened about 100%. I was level for awhile, but guess what? You can give me a pill to fix me... I wont buy it. And if you can't see it on the outside, give me a blade, I'll show you. And if ONE MORE PERSON asks me whats wrong, what am I anxious about, what am I upset about, I'm going to explode. Right here. On this couch. Don't you dare tell me to promise you that I wont cut anymore either, I can't make promises like that. You have to know that all that does is increase my desire to do it.
My psychiatrist doesn't know what he's doing. When he had to write me a new perscription, he wrote it for Lorezepam. I take Clonazepam. I waited to fill it before I talked to him first but it's a good thing I didn't!!!! I seriously almost did, and that could have REALLY fucked me up. Robin and I looked up the medication (the wrong one) on google and it's a really serious medication. He doesn't listen to a damn thing I tell him. When I told Heather about the "Med mix up" I thought she wouldn't be surprised but not only was she surprised but not happy at all... and has to report it to the board.. because that can't happen. She's not too fond of him either. He didn't even ask for the prescription back. I still have it and I can fill it if I want to. And he didn't have a bit of remorse, either. He just smiled and wrote me another perscription. What an idiot. I have to go back to him today and When he asks I'll tell him I'm fine.. if I told him how I'm really feeling, he'd probably get Heather to have someone come and take me into the hosptial. As a matter of fact, I'm sure of it. Why take those chances. I'm not spending 72 hours strapped to a board and being watched just to come out more screwed up than I am already.


Do I sound crazy yet? I don't know whats wrong with me, but I'm really tired of it. It's like I'm 14 and suicidal again. But it's different this time. It's real.

I am so sick.
It feels like I have strep again.
I can't swallow... my head is pounding... I try to sleep but everything hurts.
I might go to the dr in a few days if it keeps getting worse like this :(

i had a horrible night... on top of being sick. I cant take this shit anymore

I had crazy dreams last night... Like, scary.
The first one, I was like, in a lifetime movie. I was involved in a murder, knew who killed who and would be killed myself if I let anything reveal.
Then, the other one, I was raped.
Then the last one was about Corey.
I'm a little freaked out...


Well, I got paid today :) Which is good. I have to go pay my phone bill but the snow right now... really hardcore. The Pierson's driveway is REALLY intense. They live at the bottom of a HUGE hill. So getting up it, is very hard. I was late for work yesterday because I got stuck... at 7am.

I hate winter. I'm sick of it.

Still haven't heard anything from Morstad. I'm assuming she has it by now. I'll give it time. I'm sure it will be kind of a big thing for her. Like I said... I'm trying to to expect anything. I don't know how someone, especially her, can get something like that, and just be like oh whatever. I know thats not who she is... at least not who she used to be. I don't even feel like I know her anymore. I want to trust that she's still her... but I don't know what to trust anymore.

I haven't cut since... 2 weeks before Thanksgiving... it is on my mind all the time. Especially lately. I don't want to do it, especially in this house, but at the same time...
I just don't want them to find out. I don't them to know about that part of me. It's not something I share with a lot of people, mainly because a lot of people don't understand it.

Today I work 2:30 to 7, and tomorrow is the long day... 2:30-11, and Saturday 4:30-9.That will be my 6th day in a row, then Sunday I have off.

I sent the letter.
It was the hardest thing ever. I kept re-writing it, and changing it. I stood at the post office for, no lie, like ten minutes before I was able to put it all the way in the slot. It's just a really big thing... and once it was in the mail, that was it. No turning back. Now knowing she is going to be reading it soon causes lots of mixed scary feelings.
We will see what happens, I guess..

Today I worked 8 hours. I work 8 hours tomorrow. Yippee.
Choir starts back tomorrow!!!! We've had the past 2 Wednesdays off. I haven't thought about it, but now am realizing what has been missing the past two weeks :)


I'm going to go to laundry.

They say that time heals everything, but I'm still waiting......

I can't take this right now.

Day three. Day three is always it. Day three was it with my grandma. This morning I cut myself. It was so sudden. I felt SO HORRIBLE. I went to see Heather at 1pm. I had called her on Wednesday night and she wanted me to come in, even though we had an appointment for monday. There was nothing I needed more than to talk to her. She was the only one I needed, the only one that could understand. And it helped a lot, in a way. I know that she can see my pain in a way that I feel like I can't show anyone else. I know that she's not judging me. And I know that I can have that stability with her that I feel like I've lost with everyone else. I've really started to trust her and feel secure with her, and thats really especially recently. Since I've moved back I guess. I don't know really. I really didn't like her the first few months. She's not in on Fridays but she made time for me. We met for over an hour.

Anyway it was just rough, i've had to start at walmart, and he worked there... I worked 9-5 today.. walmart... watching videos. I couldnt concentrate. Especially after my appointment with Heather. There was just too much on my mind. Once I got off work the urges came in full force...especilaly because passing out I saw the paper with the obituary in it. I went to culvers to meet melissa and I was like... I can't be alone tonight. She was like well we're all going to a party. They were all going to get drunk. Our best friend died TWO days ago and they're going to get drunk. Not okay. I was upset and just wanted to go home. I called my mom practically in tears and she really didn't care .. at all. She was like, I'm too busy for you. I was like, whatever. Then I really truly cried for the first time. I went to campus. His memorial tribute was there.. in the making. It was empty. The tables were all pushed together for all of us, his close friends. His obituary posted next to it with the newspaper article. I couldn't stand it. I didn't want to go back to an empty house but had to eventually. I'm scared of cutting again. Tomorrow is going to be a really rough day. That's the visitation. The funeral is the next day. Right after that I have church (the evening service) and have a feeling I'll be in a million little pieces. But I'm going to need it. I'm going to need Pam and I know that she'll be there.

I don't know. I hate feeling so numb. And Sunday scares me. I've never been to a funeral before. I don't know how to handle it. The whole town is going to be there. I don't know ...

oh god :(

The service this morning was so heartbreaking. For the first time in 5 weeks, Pastor Diane was there. She sat on a stool. She cried as soon as she said "its so good to be here" and after the opening she finally shared out loud her diagnosis and was fighting so hard to keep it together. It was so great to see her yet so heartbreaking knowing the reality. Her sermon was amazing. I love the way she talks. But through all this, she has so much faith. She knows that God is not to blame but all good, and right beside her. you could FEEL her faith. I just wanted to hug her. So this month is minister appreciation month, so after her sermon Paul McManaway got up to recognize her and give her a gift... HE was crying.. this big strong main, struggling to put words together, and after THAT, quite a few people stood around her, putting hands on her and prayed for her, so by this time like half the congregation was in tears. She's planning on preaching next sunday, and that week she and her husband are meeting with the doctor to find out the details. Whats happening... how much she's progressing, how much time she has. At that point she will make plans for her family and her church.....

ITS JUST NOT FAIR. Why does this have to happen to her? She's such a GOOD person. She's not even very old. She's like my moms age. Shes so sweet, and she has so much love for everyone, and the fact that she has this huge darkness on her, she still wants to preach. still wants to give to the world. She has changed my life so much and I hate seeing her fade away...
its such a helpless situation....

and of course, the anthem the choir sang, the medley was "i'll fly away"

I want to cry. How do things go from so okay, to so tragic? She's been having terrible migranes for a couple of years and that is one of the symptoms so this could have been going on for a lot longer than anyone thought...