Finally after all of the pain heartache and stress today Tony gets out of the Army. I am so excited I hope we can live in the outside world. I am so nervous. But We will work at it and everything will be fine. especially now that he is happy again.
Love me

So many times I hear sad poems.
Poems that go deep into your inner child and make them cry.
I know how it feels,
and I know your pain.
But honesty these are the ones that pass me by.
When a poem can give you hope
and a reason to live,
Those are the ones that continue to give.
No matter what your situation,
No matter where you are,
There is always a glimmering hope for tomorrow.
Find a way out.
Thats all you'll think about.
A way to a new home.
or it is time to zone,
Relax your mind and enjoy the things in life.
One life one love be true to self,
feel the love of another,
Make a new brother,
enjoy a sunny day,
or a walk down the street,
Forget your troubles.
No need for defeat.
Your alive and still a being
Find a new meaning.
breath again if only for a second.
And never feel neglected.
Walk away if things don't feel right.
Always put up a fight.

Just take that moment when it comes,
or back into the darkness you'll succumb get out of the pit of life.

I just keep telling myself we are almost done. We have less than 2 months till he is home. It seems so far away. I just want him home. Life seems so wrong without him. But soon he will be home. Soon I will get to know him all over again. That is another thing having to get to know him all over again. I hope we still get along. Nothing has changed just time. I don't know. I guess I am just nervous.

Love me

Things are so up in the air right now. Like when we he be home? There are 3 different dates 2 of which are decent. The third is painful but possiable. I just stopped thinking about it for about 90% of the time. But unfortunatly yesterday it was brought up. Then I remembered how possiable it is. Needless to say I was depressed all day. The idea of having to wait another 6 months is killing me. I have already dealt with all of this for the past 9 months. I shouldn't have to wait another 6 months.  I think I and he will loose it completly. Knowing our luck that is going to be exactly what will happen. I just want to scream. I want to kick my feet and throw a tantrum. Why can't I? I'm grown and I can do whatever I want. I am loosing all my energy to fight my insanity. I just want him home. Why can't life just leave us the fuck alone. This shit makes me want to hurt people. I can't handle much more. Things are breaking in my house. lol He'll come home to nothing by the time he gets back. I keep getting more and more upset and things just seem to fall out of my hands and into a wall. I am surprised I still have this computer. I just have to go to bed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah like tommorrow will be any better. I need help. Maybe I'll see a therapist. hahahahaha I think not cause the things I'm feeling will put me in a asylum. Someone shoot me. I can't handle much more God... Please bring him home soon. I need it to live please!

Love your daughter
please no more God

Had to erase not suitable

I personaly don't know any women that fully just outright loves themselves. There is always some insignificant little thing that we hate about ourselves. Men really don't care. So why do we? Men will have sex with anything. Fat, tall, skinney, short, it doesn't really matter. In a room they would still have sex. It isn't their fault that is just they way they are built. But women are a different breed. Half the time we don't know what we want. Even when we find what we want we still have something to bitch about. Will women ever be happy? For instance I have the most awesome husband in the world. He is everything I want and I need. But I still bitch about things that don't matter. He is not my child. If he doesn't do it then he doesn't hes grown. My mind won't give me peace. He has never done anything to make me think he would cheat. But if one little thing goes wrong my mind will always switch to that. He has never cheated on me and has always adored me and did everything right. So it really isn't him, it is me. That brings me back to what I was originaly talking about. No matter what he does I will never love myself. No woman does. But is this how it is should be? Should women be needy so men feel that they have a purpose. Sometimes a couple needs a little neediness. If you are not needed then why be there? But why are we so hard on ourselves. We hate the way we feel, but let another woman pass by and we think we are the best. If she is better looking then we think, yeah but she's a bitch. Mind you we don't know this woman at all. If she is ugly or fatter than us we feel like a super model and look down on them. But we hate when other women do it to us. Why are we so mean? Even to ourseves we are ruthless. How many women do you know cry because what they think about themselves? Ever woman has done it in private or to someone else. Think about all the mean things you think about yourself. It makes you wanna tear up. If only we could just look at ourselves and say I look ok today. That would be a step forward. Even models don't like themselves. They are supposed to be the idea of the most beautiful things in the world. If they don't love themselves then what hope does a normal woman have? Maybe if we stopped hating on each other we might have a chance. So if you see another women passing you by at the doctors office or the grocery store , whatever, admire thier beauty and yours.

doing ok happy hes home not happy hell just leave and just all around still hating myself

I hate me thats about it. I fuck up all the time anything that is good in my life I fuck up. I am accident prown. I am a bitch sometimes. I bet it makes my husband wonder why the fuck he married me. I bet he second guesses our marriage. Maybe I was better off being alone so I don't hurt anyone. I am not willing to give up! Not just yet! I will suceed in something. I will be good at something. But how do I change I have no idea . I still hate me.

This was a letter I sent my husband over seas.
Hey baby I am heading off to bed here in a little bit. But I wanted to say I love you and good night. I MISS YOU SO MUCH. It seems like everyday that you are gone is another lesson for me. I have learned so much about myself and us in these past three months. Patience is one thing. I have been forced to deal with the fact that I have no control over anything. And I have learned what real self control is really about. I have more courage and bravery now. That took a while being alone at night. But I am doing really good at that. I am not as scared anymore. Which is good. I have had time to think about us and how I treat you. I know you say I treat you really good. But there are somethings I feel I need to work on. It sounds silly but you leaving has really made me re-evaluate who I am. It has also made me realize what a awesome kind and gracious person you have been and appreciate your love for me on a whole different level. I am glad that this has brought us closer.  lov
Who loves ya?
The only good thing about this.