oh and i also joined myspace.
kissthebarbie.
find me. befriend me.

oh and i also joined myspace.
kissthebarbie.
find me. befriend me.

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upset

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sorry if this all comes across pissed off.... actually it is meant that way. ok.

i am really tired of a certain someone always always always being in people's business. they are very rude and impatient should they not get the needed 'information' or gossip they request. and i see it all the time. the point is, this person is not asking 'what's wrong? tell me...' just so that they can better help the person get through the situation or to pray for said person, but to use that information to their advantage... to further hurt and upset the already distressed person. i really used to struggle with gossip (and still do sometimes), so when i see someone else struggling with it, it hurts my heart for them (wow this is turning into a realllll christian update). agh i just don't know.... how many people can this one person hurt? how much damage will they cause before they realize (unless they already do) what they are doing?

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mood

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awake

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this one won't be so long (haha lucky you!) because i have to get ready to go to work... but i do need to write a bit.

i really dread going back to school tonight. don't get me wrong, i love all of my friends and hanging out with them and rooming with nikki and going out to eat late at night-- pretty much everything that comes with living on campus. but i really hate going to school. and that's no good! i'm not glorifying god in going to school and hating every second of it. classes suck and i never want to do any work for them.... pretty much all of my teachers are lame-- that sounds so childish haha, but i mean, i want to go and enjoy class and look forward to it. i just don't want to be there. i'm not interested. my mom said that when she was my age, she did the same thing. she just did NOT want to go to school, but didn't want to dissapoint her parents, so she stayed... and failed out. she said that she sees the same disinterest in me, and doesn't want the samet thing to happen to me as it did to her. i don't want to fail... and i don't want to hurt my gpa because it's really good right now and needs to stay that way. eventually i want to get a degree from somewhere for something. i know that acc won't provide me with that. it's not the place for me. even my dad mentioned that to me earlier today.... i am just worn out from being there, and it's only been what, like 3 weeks? i really just want to drop out now. i'm seriously considering it. dropping all of my classes, moving back home, working more hours, enjoying life. because i'm not at school. i don't know... just some random thoughts going through my head.

anyways, people-- head on over to my community pre_fans and join and buy a c.d. it's only 2 dollars. that includes shipping and handling... what a steal!!!

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mood

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sympathetic

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wow... hurricane's suck! more so for some people than others, but they suck all around nevertheless. there's been quite a bit of damage here at school and i got some shots, so feel free to browse them behind the cut. there are a few cars that have been hit by trees, a few totalled... and that really stinks. there isn't power for some people, wow.... man! i hope things get better soon!!!

( bad news bearsCollapse )

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awake

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i'm all about updating lately... and lengthy updates at that.

today in church, (actually for the past few weeks) we've been hearing messages about marital commitment. while i'm not married and don't even date right now, i've been pretty interested in the messages. today really struck me though and kind of upset me as to how my life is turning out.

i'm not sure what particular statement triggered my feelings, but i started thinking about where i am in life. i'm almost 20, and i really have nothing to show for myself. my friend martha who is my age is already married, through with beauty school, living in a great house in marietta, etc. another girl i know from home who is even younger than i am is getting married in a few months! i feel so young and juvinile. i still drool over the boys in bands and get excited when they "initiate a hug at the end of the night." it's been over a year, actually coming up close to two years since i've last dated, and that was david, so i have every right not to be dating as of now. but i'm ready to get back in there. i hardly think of david anymore, and when i do, it doesn't overpower me like it used to. i'm fine. i had a bad relationship and i'm sucking it up. but then another thought occured while i was pondering my dating status. i have such big problems with commitments anyways, even in my simple day to day relationships... how will i ever remain with someone in a marriage or a serious relationship that could evolve into marriage? i think i'm so insecure with myself and my flaws that once something starts going below the surface level, i catalog the other person's flaws in order to mask my own. i've decided to start seeing the counselor at school (because it's free!!!!) about all of this, and really try to sort some things out so i can be a better person. i hope things will work out.

on another note... i can't stop thinking about this mexico fellowship opportunity. whether i am able to go or not, things are really starting to fall in place as i'm working to get things right before i go. i've been making peace and righting some wrongs that i've had with people lately, and it really is a huge weight off of my shoulders. me and amy finally got things out in the open about everything that happened last year and it feels so good and relieving to be her friend again and not have to force kindness. i really feel that god is using this situation and opportunity for me to fix the bad things that have happened with me and to clear up confusion in my relationships. hopefully i will get to go, because that is what i would LOVE to do. i'm praying earnestly about it. but if for some reason i'm called to stay here, then by all means i will, but i will have such a peace about things. it's all good either way. (but i really hope i can go)

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sleepy

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another entry of feelings... confusion. but it's a fun topic. read on!


so tonight.... actually today nikki and i went to see the working title and mae (well i didn't care for mae.... they were unredeemable in my book) at the masquerade. also playing were in passing, cartel and a small victory (headlinging per their c.d. release party). let me just say this before i get into my post... i love the working title. they are so great. and as you all read in bluestare21's journal not too long ago, we went to see them last sunday night and they snuck us into their 21+ show and it was wonderful and they put us on their guest list for today's show. well i have never been more disappointed in a show... not necessarily in the working title, but in the show as a whole. cartel was good, we got there in the middle of their set. it's always a pleasure to see andy lee rocking out on stage. plus, they were doing great in their hometown after just being signed to their dream record label. anyways.... a small victory was not was i had expected... very grunge (core) and... i don't know, unoriginal maybe? mae... well i don't like them anyways and they didn't redeem themselves with excellence tonight either. as for the working title. hm. i hate to say it, but i let my emotions get in the way of enjoying their show. #1. when we arrived, we weren't on the guest list, so we had to pay $10 to get in which was upsetting, but at least i would get to see twt... #2. sadler and joel definetly passed us walking around in the venue a thousand times and never said anything to us... it was really almost rude because you could see the recognition in their eyes and their double takes. #3. there were these jerk kids (99% of the venue was filled with them...) who wouldn't let me and nikki up front for the few songs that twt was playing so i was pissed off about that as well. so there are my circumstantial reasonings for not enjoying the show. and also, joel said they were really tired from traveling all night and ross elaborated this to me later on (!!!)... then we kind of just meandered around, bored for the rest of the time. i met adam and that was fine. we talked for a few minutes, but that was really it.... then we saw lauren and chatted with her also and met her friend and sister. i never got to see jenna... although i searched for her high and low!!! so sadler apologized after the show about us not being on the guest list (a profuse apology was made as a matter of fact) and the band gave us free tee shirts as compensation. that was wonderful. so i got the one i wanted without paying for it YAY... i'm wearing it for the rest of the week to let you all know :). then.... we wanted to see if they would hang out with us, but we knew they were tired. we were also feeling a bit stalkerish by waiting around so long for everyone to leave so that we could talk with the band. so nikki saw ross and adam (who is looking mighty nice these days!) sitting on the steps and i went over and just plopped down right next to ross. it was wonderful. i'm glad i took the initiative. (although he did jump, literally, at the chance to sell me my buttons) so i asked them about hanging out and he said they would definetly love to if they were going out rather than the hotel to sleep (which the ended up doing, but that was fine with me). so the conversation ended up progressing nicely, with ross telling me all about the canada incident and moving to the u.s. and such.... he recommended bands that he said he thought i would like based on the bands i told him about.... mmmm :) and we talked about some people we both mutually know. and jonathon asked him to get some paper work filled out and ross responded with "i'm busy right now man" which was flattering and adam took one for the team and did the paperwork. then as they were moving everything out to their van ross asked jonathon if he needed help and he laughed and said "no you stay and chat".... it was good. like i hate to recap all of this for you (for those of you still reading!!!), but like it was good for me.

so i finally got to talk to the one person i have been dying to get to know for a good 30 minutes. i was so intimidated by him at first, because he's the one in the band that i 'like' or whatever. but he was so easy going and we really connected... it was great! and he initiated a hug at the end of the night. exciting. i feel like a little girl... but really i am about this. i hated to break the mysterious relationship that we had, me in the front row and him behind the drum set, making extended eye contact.... but it was good to finally talk to him and get to know him and see what he is really like. good deal.

sorry this was so long, but thanks for reading!!! and sorry it was so immature puppy lovish stuff. you know us girls. at least you know me.

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refreshed

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alright, this is going to be a farely long entry, sorry guys. so if you would like, you can just scroll on down. okay.

i've had a lot on my mind lately, and it has been causing some of my relationships to falter.... i know i haven't been the most perfect friend in the past few weeks, and to those i have hurt, neglected or ignored i am sorry. i hope you can forgive me for those times, and for the times ahead that i know are going to be rough. i just go through so much at a time that i can't express in words exactly how i feel, therefore i don't say anything at all. i can't promise you better days anytime soon, because problems and situations don't fade away so quickly, but please bear with me and stick it out, there is going to be peace soon. i can feel it.

i've been doing alot of praying and thinking about my future also. i don't know what i want to do, where i want to go... i don't know my purpose. i'm almost 20 years old and i have nothing to show for myself! i really need to start building a life and saving money and taking the classes i need to take for my career (which i also need to decide upon). I need to figure out where i want to go to school, where i want to graduate from, where i want to send my resumes to. i know i won't graduate from atlanta christian college. i can't be here, and that is another thing in itself. i can't quite describe my feelings here, but they are no good. when i'm away, i'm fine. the usual, happy me. but when i arrive on campus, it's as if a dark cloud is looming above me, waiting to break open and rain down. i can't shake the feeling that this is not the place for me. i am extremely thankful to god for the relationships he has blessed me with here and everything that has been taught to me. i've learned and grown alot since my first day on campus. but it is time to move on. my original plan (which has changed a multitude of times) was to commute to acc from my parents house in douglasville and back again, attending school only part-time... VERY part time. two classes, maybe three. then i thought about taking the semester off entirely. just work. but then.... ok new paragraph.

then, in chapel the other day, we had missionaries (future missionaries) come and speak about starting a campus ministry (a la CCF) in puebla, mexico. that is central mexico to all you laypeople (who am i kidding? i had to look it up on the map today). but something struck me and i feel like this is something i really want to do. the past few weeks all i have thought about is evangelism and reaching out to people who aren't hearing the word and being on the same level as them.... and i can't do that at acc. who am i to evangelize to at a christian college? who hasn't heard god's message? who is lost and needs guidance? i don't want to waste time sitting in class, jotting down notes and doodling stars in the margins while i listen to a professor tell me how to give a testimony to someone. i want god to speak through me and i just want to go for it. this is the kind of witnessing i am talking about! i'm interested in building relationships with people and working with an inreach program more so than outreach. this would be it. the fact that it is in a different country with a different language and a different culture is even better. i feel like i can learn so much from this experience. i'll be out of my comfort zone, i'll be stretching myself. ultimately, i'll be learning a deeper dependence on christ, which is what i need so much right now. i can't help but think that maybe this situation is all too good to be true. that it won't come to pass. that for some reason i won't be able to pass the applications and interviews. that i won't be accepted. i want this so bad. please pray that this is god opening the door, like i think he is. please pray for my guidance and peace in the situation at hand. please pray for me at all, in anything.

alright, i think i've kept nikki up long enough with my typing.... but this isn't even half of the things running through my mind. but it is the major portion of it. sorry to bog down your friends' page.... but i did pre-warn you.

<3april.

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frustrated

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alright FINALLY after a lot of crappy hard work and pissed off moments, i have the pictures up from the blindside and mewithout you show. i did not, however, take pictures of the kick. sorry guys. also, there is a picture of bradley hathaway thrown in. he is so great. a poet and a lover of life. i liked him alot. check him out at http://thebradley.net

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uncomfortable

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the suckiness gets worse and worse.

this is me not doing anything right. no matter how many times i tell you things are fine of that something actually IS wrong but you can't do anything about it, you still get upset with me and i still end up pissing everyone off. i can't do anything right. BUT THANKS EVERYONE.

i had alot to tell you all tonight. but i didn't. because justin was too happy and nikki was too upset with me and i was too preoccupied with her being too upset with me. so here's my news, in the worst form of communication. i'm only coming back part-time next semester. i can't stand to be here on this campus anymore. it's only been four days and i cry at night, in the shower, whenever no one is around. i feel like i've disappointed too many people here. and too many people have dissapointed me. so i'm leaving, but not entirely. there's my news.

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hot.....

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1 Corinthians 10:13
Every temptation that has come your way is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tempted beyond your power to resist; at the time you are tempted he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.
TEV


thanks god. i needed that. i need patience.

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cold

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i have alot of feelings going on right now, so i'm going to try and get them out... sort of. alright. and now, with that said, it's harder to get them into words..... sometimes i'm just so confused about myself and what i want. tonight on the drive home, i was fine one minute and then crying the next, and i didn't even know why! i just started crying.... and then it stopped and i was super happy and excited for the evening events. i just don't know what is going on in my head. i thought alot about david tonight. just little things remind me of him and i stop and am almost transfixed by the thoughts brewing in my head. i'm not too excited about seeing certain people back at school within the next few days. especially a certain someone because i know they are going to cause trouble and making everything i've worked for seem nonexistent. i'm just so frustrated by how people react to others and how they accomodate for them, no matter how hard they are trashed. this has been a good summer, i've learned alot about myself and what i inevitably want from life, but i know it's about to go down the tubes in 48 hours. less even. but that's life, welcome to it.