ive been good lately, i havn CUT in over a week,,,,   my mum has seen them in the past.. but she did nothing because she doesnt care,, neither does my step dad(prick)..

my boyfreind saw my cuts when i did them a while ago.. it was REALLY bad.... .. he hated me for it... we went out for a further 4 or 5months.. but then he left me and now calls me a crazy bith... i found out that he was only using me for sex...

i just want to be loved by a guy who will take care of me... but who wants to be with a depressed bitch like me ??



Current Mood: crushed

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What do u use?
I was just wondering what do you use to cut? I mean I know the most common things to use are a knife or ravor..but what if those aren't avialable?

Current Mood: curious

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possible community shut down
I've realized that the community is no longer very active. I've decided to moniter it. I built this community when I noticed that many youth on livejournal had issues and felt alone. I thought maybe I could start a community that would give them a voice and support, myself included. I've realized however now that not many people post in the community anymore. However I would like to keep it up. So I encourage you to post more and often. I'm going to see if there's anyway I can save the community. If you think I should keep it up them I'd be obliged if you would post a comment. Or if you have any advice on making the community better.

Thanks guys.

-Amber

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an accomplishment
well I haven't been on here in ages. :) but i wanted to share with anyone who gets on here I stopped cutting... for good! See I was sent to this wilderness therapy program called second nature. The night I left my friend Kara gave me some feedback. See earlier in my stay I had made it known that I believed myself the most likely in my group to cut after I left. She shared with me that she was determined to quit meth because she felt that if when she got out of therapy she started using again that everything she had done would have been for nothing. It made me think hey if she can quit a severely addictive drug like meth then I can quit cutting. And I haven't cut since. I just wanted to share that with yall.

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Okay so I've been feeling pretty horrible lately.

And I just want to end all this pain and kill myself.
But I'm gonna try to get through all of this anyway. Even though it hurts.

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A peek inside
Hey people,

How are the teens of the world out there doing? I would really like know. Sure some are faring better then me and other failing miserably. Would you spare some time to tell a thought of truth?
This community seems to lack activity.
-Cyn

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Best friends...

Perhaps I'm just cliched and old-fashioned, but I have always been under the impression that best friends keep no secrets with each other, and are honest with each other, but my best friend is starting to change my mind. At first she said she couldn't tell me stuff because I would go and tell my mum who would then tell her mum (if I'm that much of a jerk, why have we remained best friends for four years?) and now she's saying that she doesn't know whether to tell me or not because she doesn't know whether I'll be more pissed off if she tells me or if she doesn't?!?!?!?!

What do you guys think?

Current Mood: confused

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entitled: YOU
Do you think I'm intimidated by your wicked, evil eyes?
Every time I look at you all I see are filthy dirty lies
You think you're so ominous, pompous, and presumptuous
All you really are is a virulent, archaic, without a life like a mosaic piece
So get it together or I'll debilitate your fate

When you speak your voice is a horrid, screeching sound.
Your faith is bound ,but it shall be found
You burn like the fires from hell
your fury is ball that swells
Not even acid rain can complain
Do you think I’m intimidated by your wicked evil eyes?

You are the angel of darkness
Ozzy is not as heartless
Your worthless piece of gum
I wish you weren’t such a bum or
An old log that’s slump
but at least they have a heart
Do you think I’m intimidated by your wicked evil eyes?

Break you into pieces, you are full of disgrace and hate
Break you into pieces I don't even want to deliberate
Sarcastic with your smiles, your grins, and your groans
You're like an old witch without her broom who only weeps and moans
Every time people look at you, you make their bones quiver
Every time people look at you, you make them shiver
You cruel, egocentric thing, you are pure evil a shade as pure as night
You always willing to put up a fight
Do you think I'm intimidated by your wicked evil eyes?

You are like a heart attack, an ugly fact
A stroke anything in your path becomes broke
A thing very much unwanted, you are miserable and haunted
I wish I could have seen this before
You came creeping at my door
I wish I could have seen this before
The evil that you have lored to my door
Do you think I'm intimidated by your wicked evil eyes?

Stay away from me for you don’t bring glee
You only bring misery
Life to you is history
You’ve deceived with your lies
To me you’re only an insolent fly
Do you think I'm intimidated by your wicked evil eyes?

You evil thing I will never give in
Even to my last dying breath you will hear me sing
You're stronger but I'm stronger within
You're strength is in the night
But I'll pierce you with the sword of light
Do you think I'm intimidated by your wicked evil eyes?

You lie, steal, gamble and deal
For you the world is dark and gloomy
And I ask my self why I let you fool me
But, yet after I have said all these things of you
I still find the words to say to thee
I still love ye’
Do you think I'm intimidated by your wicked evil eyes?

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JOINED THE COMMUNITY
I came across this community and decided to join, hope no one minds!

By the way HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Current Mood: bored

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Lightness
The sun is dancing on the grass today
Rays of light
Spinning round and round
Like a young child playing

No pain inside today
Dancing patterns
A smile on the boy's face
So light he's flying

They can't catch him today
Eyes shiny with laughter
Invisible, faster than sound
He'll never stop fighting

by Charlie

--------------------
It's my turn to be a kid

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Seasons (Winter snows)
Just after dawn walking thru the virgin snow iced over by chill winds
footprints etched into the crisp white land barren of emotion, all is still
but I am alone, alone in the wilderness leaving a track for all to follow,
looking back and seeing the silly walk that I have never realised

Cracking the ice with already cold feet and getting them wet feeling the
cold, they are freezing now, but no I go on and crack more ice, feet
getting colder, hands like ice, red rosy cheeks, but I am still a kid and
I enjoy all this, the thrill of being in a big world suspended of animation
and hibernation all around me, hands freezing and desolate..

But hey, I have a warm
feeling inside that he could not take. I am the kid remember, I leave
tracks in the snow for you to follow, but I know you will not follow me
.
Now, I confront you like the devil, yes the devil, the devil you once where,
you can only hunt me down once, and when he has had his evil he is no
more.

I cry as I walk each teardrop turning to crystal just as the ice beneath me,
I cry to let out the anger, and frustration, the hurt and the pain you forced as
a little child, crying in the wilderness, leaving the way open for you to follow,
meet me know on my terms, and say what you did was good, you cry those
tears that you make me shed.

You make me feel good, because I know
you would not dare confront what you did, and I leave these and many
other tracks for you and your fellow rapists to capture their prey, this time
though I am waiting, waiting for you.

You have given me the tools to fight or flight, my inner instincts honed and
sharpened like claws waiting to gouge at your flesh and your mind,
just as you did to me.

My World is beautiful, a far World as that you would have me live in, where
there is peace and serenity all around, love, affection and laughter which
you almost took can now be with me as my wounds heal and my thoughts
wander back to the kid you almost took.
dare not follow because I am now strong and able
to fight and win

--------------------

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Remembering by Kevin age 16
Remembering

The night is quiet, still and clear,
And the moon casts its silvery pale
Over the home cradled on the forest's breast.

The breeze flits softly past the barn,
Happy and funny red by day but now
A slumbering purple giant squatting by the pebbly path.

Fields and pastures spread their blanket
Of swaying corn and grain over the rich black earth,
Awaiting the new day of work and play.

The night is the great black father:
Sleep!, it is time to renew;
Rest with your loved ones, secure
In their presence and safe in my enfolding arms.

The door grates and his eyes flash open,
His heart racing as the night swirling around him
Retreats and gives way to another: I am the dark.

The floorboard creaks as the dark shows the way,
Gloating and encouraging, forcing the warm bed
To give up its helpless offering of trembling innocence.

The dark waves its cruel hand and cold air
Crawls across his slender body, cozy covers and fuzzy pjs
Sliding away, helpless against the creeping cruelty.

The dark is the great black beast:
Awake!, it is time to weep;
Feel the pain and know the shame, cold
In the screaming silence of what you have become.

Current Mood: restless

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Emotions from Charlie 14 Triggers
Getting angrier every day.
It's growing inside me like fire.
I'm replacing this childish fear with rage.
Spitting out ugly painful words
'til my body is empty and I'm knee deep in dirt.
Tearing off this mask, baring my teeth.
Are you scared yet? You should be.
Watch me kill this scared little child.
Silence the voice that sounds just like mine.
He's screaming through my mouth but the sound is dying.
His tears feel hot on my face but I'm not crying.
You think I'm so weak but I'll prove you wrong.
I'm not your child anymore.

--------------------
It's my turn to be a kid

Current Mood: enraged

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The silent Scream revisited
The Silent Scream revisited
This is a piece of my poetry written last year from memories of childhood sexual abuse, and how denial affects his life in adulthood,


The little boy crying in the wilderness
Only the wind hears his cries
The lone wolfcub baying so dear
For life as a cub to become clear

His family don't know him anymore
The little boy once so dear
Turns into someone unclear
He has earned his fears

He cries out in fear
He cries out in pain
The cries are unheard
Because they are his pain

A life so young in silence
So young in fear
So terrified of the dark
Terrified of life

He screams to be heard
Nobody listens
His screams are in silence
But not in his dreams

Dreams; what are they?
Nightmares for one so young
Night terrors are they
Waiting for the one to pounce again

Lying in the dark trying to sleep
If I do, then will I awaken?
The nightmares too scary to sleep for
But he needs sleep
So he waits till dawn
Just to catch a couple of hours
Of well earned sleep?zzzzzzzz

He awakens to another day
What will it bring?
He prays to God, that one day his
Soul can sing

It can sing as it was meant to be
As a little boy so innocent
He is still so sweet and innocent
Just as God wanted him to be

You took his life
You took his soul
You are in hell now
For the sorrows never told

Never told, not until now
It is still so painful being there
forever

Current Mood: cold

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A poem from Charlie age 14
An excerpt from Charlie
A Clean Slate (for my bro Kev).

The voice inside the boy's head whispered
If they remove your pain, you will have nothing left
Without the pain you will be an empty shell
No thoughts, no feelings, no sound
Black buttons instead of eyes
Clean like a piece of paper
Waiting for the words to fill the page

He silenced the voice and picked up the pen
The first line read These are my words, this is what happened
And the words grew larger and larger
Until they filled up the room like laughter
Like a song that gives you strength
When you don't know where to begin
The second line read This is me and I'm not to blame

--------------------
It's my turn to be a kid

Thnx 4 the poem little bro. I cried when I read it. It means a lot 2 me.

Kev

It means a lot to me, the pain of an abused child whose mind can write
poetry like this, I think it is awesome.
How about You?

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Newbie

Hi everyone. I just joined. I'm 15 and have a some stuff which its easier to write down than actually talk to someone about. The main problem is my best friend is being really annoying at the moment. It's not major, but it's getting to me. For instance, we are both avid writers, and she always gives me her stuff to read, and I read it because I'm her best friend/beta reader and I do that sort of stuff, but if I'm writing something, she'll pretty much say straight out, 'I can't be bothered reading this now, I'll read it later' when I give it to her.

Another thing is, when I'm having problems, I can't seem to talk to anyone about it, so I keep it bottled up and it's really starting to get to me. Even little things get to me, like the fact that my parents no longer wake me up in the mornings by saying, 'Good morning,' but by knocking hard on my door.

So, yeah. Any advice?

Love,

Spaci!

Current Mood: melancholy

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Why do I still like you, when I hate everything about you?
I've liked this guy for straight two years and he never knew about it and he will never know about it either. Its one of those things I'd like to keep to myself. I never told any of my friends about him. Never told a cousin, never said anything about him. I just wrote it all in my journal. No not my livejournal. My journal that I keep at home. He hurt me so much because he always did bad things to me. He never payed attention to me, like if I didn't exist. I was just thin air to him. Then he has lots of jokes to tell about me. And for one, I know he doesn't care about me. Never did. I didn't exist in his life. He had his own life with everything he wanted. He has like 60 pairs of sneakers and tons tons of clothes. He's a good athlete and smart. Me, I am completely oppisite of his dream girl i guess. Some days I felt like I loved him and wished to be with him more than anything. Other days, I hated him and wish I'd never see him again. I try to forget about him, I try to tell myself that I'm over him but it never works. I hate everything about him. Literally. I hate the way he knows he's smart and cool. I hate the way he stares at me . I just hate the small things about him that define what he is. But for some strange reason, I always end up liking him. I tried everything to impress him but by the end of last year, I didn't care anymore what he thought of me and I don't today either. Its that he really hurt me. It really hurts when you're trying to get someone to notice you belong in this world, they know it, but they don't care. It feels like no one cares. I just wanted to know him. I just wanted to know everything about his life because the first day I met he was the nicest person I ever met. But he started hanging out with them losers and I guess that makes him a loser too. He says hi to all my friends except me. Like I said, I'm just thin air. Maybe if i wasn't such a weenie, he'd talk to me. I know there will be other guys or whatever but something inside me has said more than twice that he's going to stay etched in my mind forever whether he stays as a memory or whether I'll still be in love with him. I wish I could ask him so many questions but I can't. He wouldn't care to have a simple converstation with me. So now, I just pass by him not looking at him, not saying anything. Its always going to be like that now.

Current Mood: crappy

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Is it worth it?
I'm new in this community incase you're wondering who the hell I am. Right now, I'm at a very suicidal point of my life and I don't really know what to do. I have a really hard life at just 13. and yea, I'm just 13 and maybe I'm too young to be saying stuff like this, but god never made a rule that you have to be a certain age to feel outraging complicated pain and confusion.Anyone can feel just as bad. I wish all those people who hurt me knew that they did.If they did, do you think it would've made a difference? My life is just screwed up. I can't describe it much because I'm speechless and numb about it right now. So maybe next time I'll try to explain more. Some days I go on a non-stop crying habit. Some days I'm throwing everything around pretending its everything and everyone who has hurt. All days I keep on wondering when this pain is going to stop cuz nothing can fill the void aching inside of me. I don't talk about it, literally. My friends don't know anything. My family don't know. I'm really bottled up when it comes talking face to face but in a journal, its easier for some strange reason.

Current Mood: sick

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somebody please just pull the trigger
pain begins fresh

as scarlet rain trickles down, all the way down

weighed down, splatters on the floor

but it is not enough, there must be be more and more and

more, chant the panicked incantations

ignoring screaming flesh, as tributaries of thick red

are sent streaming down, all the way down,

weighed down, puddles on the ground spreading emphatically

searching for an end that will never be found

an emptiness that will never be filled no matter

how many tears are spilled over

into pools that finally become stagnant

make it stop make it stop make me forget

but still I'm left here with my regrets and

anger and needs and fear that lingers until

they turn to red tears as

pain begins fresh

again

Current Mood: IloveyouAdam

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