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The Living Will

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I Remember -- 2026 [10 Aug 2026|05:26pm]
I remember going to Laos and Thailand in January. I will have to encapsulate that here as I am able.

I remember a 39th birthday with Adam and Ev. Adam's first time to experience several recreationals. We rented an airbnb in middle Ohio and stayed up late yakking our hearts out, using the hot tub, and just generally pestering each other. Many great laughs were had. We had a nosey host who kept passing by on her bicycle and striking up conversations with us. Saturday we attended a small music festival in the woods of Ohio, focused around a band called Bad Fish -- a Sublime cover band. We talked to a few random strangers, most notably a guy who asked if his crew could hit our J because "I'm about to light up five on the next song!" And he did. And then he rambled to me about being a dealer, and the pistol he had back at camp to defend himself. I was too litty for the convo and just gave him straight fun-sass "You really shouldn't be telling me this! lol!"

I remember getting together my old highschool group. John Alexander, Chris Moore, James "Jimmy" Bell, Art Foster, Will Simpson, Joe Stockton, and Kenton Montgomery. John had started a discord group 2 years back with the intent of getting together for his bday -- it never panned out. SO I started a text group, and things went well -- everyone sharing pictures of their roasts, steaks, and talking about their lives at random. I took the lead on trying to make it an in-person thing and Kenton saved the day by offering to let us just do it at his newly-bought house. I picked up Art on the way down, we arrived hella late because I had to drop Rowan off at Fish House(and get a bite to eat lol).
Joe and Will left shortly after I arrived. We had laughs and talks and Kenton threw fireworks into the fire -- the big loud fuckers that shoot a ton. It was madness, but also just like being young again. Kenton's house was gorgeous and well decorated and large. His wife was very nice. Cracked me up how Kenton and James kept saying "you remember how it was" to just any ridiculous shit they would do. We stayed up late talking. Eventually went home. Next morning we shot some guns at James' co-workers house that was backed up to a bunch of woods. I only arrived in time to shoot a few things off before the rain took over the day. Got the group to go to Fish House for lunch. Ended up back at Kenton's playing rounds of Magic the Gathering -- me, Kenton, John and Chris and Art. Played some long games until late and parted ways. Picked up Art and took him home next day. Was so nice being with those guys again, and realizing no time had passed internally.

I remember Rowan starting at a new school. After years of homeschooling, the first one we had tried him on hadn't really taken. So we paused another year. We tried an Art school this time and the results were instantly better. These kids were all artsy-fartsy as well, so they didn't mind Rowan's differences and they all leaned creative instead of stupid. He made friends for the first time, his peers, and we were so excited for him. He came home with numbers in his phone, asked friends over, etc. He also started growing up in his accountability, and started jumping right on things when asked to help or correct stuff around the house. I grew and grow prouder every day.

I remember
[alive] when you're shoving me

A poem Madison wrote about me [11 Oct 2017|11:49am]
"Your new car is so nice. Sometimes when I step into it I am still surprised that it is yours. Growing up, I realized that those who deserve "nice things" the most seldom possess them. We are too busy caring about bigger things to be bothered by the fabric of our couch cushions. I sincerely miss your piece of shit. I see so clearly the way the streetlights would sing along to our music. The faces of strangers faded through the glass. Your smile is sweet in the darkness. It is less for show, and more honest. Those nights, I knew you the best. We lit each other's cigarettes. We rode around searching for no destination. Our hands rested, knotted. Our breaths filled the air with endless, false promise. I was Penny Lane from Almost Famous; You were foolish for my restless, reckless ways. Unbuckled, backstage, You were beautiful. Tongue untwisted and unfettered, I had the best of you then, too."

i miss you. i love you. i wrote this about riding in the car with you on an empty label from work. i thought you might appreciate it.
[alive] when you're shoving me

No Longer, Louisville [12 Nov 2016|04:19pm]
No Longer Louisville
------------------------------

I find you
in the desolate gas station lots
where we broke change to pump air into broken tires.
I find you
in the windows down
favorite songs we used to sing
like splitting breath.
I find you
in all the plans never carried out,
the endless writing I used to produce.
That bitter broken joyous laugh.
I find you
in the moments
where I turn my head
expecting your reaction to mirror my own.
I find you
in the empty hallways
and the bottoms
of bottles or beer cans.

I find you
in all the punctured memories
I can't seem to give away.
The rooftop leg
hanging across the edge,
the endless miles of road,
the midnight swim
with my birthday spreading across my cheeks bashful and hoping you meant it.
I find you
in the desolate cigarette burns
marking endless forever X's
across the map of my body,
in the exact flavor of pabst,
in the drown of the ocean.

In the way you showed your teeth,
in the open mouth all-in way you'd sleep,
in all my favorite puns and secrets
I could never keep.

In car wrecks
and shots without chasers.
The cigarette butts left in my door shelf,
in every new song I hear
wondering if you would have loved it too.
In the endless lines we talktalktalked till morning or glory come.
And all those ephemeral firsts
that can't be taken back.

In my cigarette packs,
still too full because
I can't give them away anymore.
In the cold of my body
falling into dream beside anyone else.
In the way I can't organize a shelf,
or string a cascade of lights.
The way my eyes never see a room,
a person, a place
the way they did when I had the blessing
of looking through yours as well as my own--stereoscopic visions.

In the books you'll never finish
bearing forever the dogearred mark
where
we
stopped
talking.
To say I miss you
is rough math.
An off harmony choir verse.
To say I miss you
is like letting off the gas
in full descent.
How could I miss you
when I'm surrounded by you?!
How could I miss you
when I continually find you
every where my feet or fingers fall.
No.
It is a body never breathing,
it is shell with no heart.
I miss the rhythmic beat
of making new memories with you,
because you were always
my favorite waking day,
my favorite part of each rising sun.
But I cast spells to turn the night pitch,
and shed my eyes
when I traded the sun
for the waning moon.
I fixed a fever in my bones
by not letting go,
and now I rattle wishing
I'd been better at moving
with the river's restless flow.
Sink or swim,
I'm glad I felt the emphatic rush of the water anyway.
[alive] when you're shoving me

We all twist and burn like stars [21 Apr 2016|05:50pm]
Ya know, sometimes I just want to cuddle her to sleep and that be it. There's no way to explain, "I want you every time, because I never know when will be the last" Everything is so transitory and ephemeral.
[alive] when you're shoving me

Rachel's Poem #2 -- Why We Should Be A Thing(To Be Read in the Best Moment) [27 Mar 2016|02:50am]
This poem will ignore all attempts at beautiful language, at...editing, at being anything other than what it is: straight from my heart.


{why the world is/how hard it is is to find this}
Because the world is a strange,
heartbreaking place,
even in its beauty
Because too often life's march
allows little room for wild possibility
Because nothing is ever certain,
or promised
Because pretty faces,
and one-night or 3-month
stands are nice,
and they fill and feed
and satisfy
that thirst to get as much out of life
as possible,
but honestly,
they always end in tears,
boredom, or suffusion
every time
They twist into lies,
and regrets,
and though
that's beautiful because
it always teaches us more about ourselves
and it makes us
feel independent, and explorative,
beautiful, and wild
There IS
something to be said
for the things which take time
Those people with whom
you become

You learn more intensely,
*shrug*perhaps, with the first,
but more deeply with the second
You learn to love someone through their faults,
or because of them,
and you learn to love yourself and them
for how much they respect, love, and accept
of you
even when it's difficult
Because things this amazing
and perfect
only show up in books,
and films,
songs and poems,
and other people's lives
leaving us wondering
"why not me?"
They are rare
and the whole world
is hungry for them,
connections like this
They are the kind
inimitable
harmonies
seen only a few times
in life
if you're very lucky



{why so awesome}
Because we don't just finish
each other's sentences,
often we say them at the same time
Because we have more laughs per minute,
with each other than ANYONE else,
Because we have all the same taste
in music, even when one or both of us
hasn't heard this song in particular
Because almost every moment
spent together
is beautiful or wonderful
in even the smallest of ways
Because we're understanding,
caring, passionate people
who can be completely independent
and direct about it,
while also being completely there
for anyone we love
Because we have the same kind hearts,
fascinated-with-everything minds,
and aching, searching souls
we are tender moments with strangers,
and opening doors marked "private"
we are both seekers and explorers,
both hungry for the wild & beautiful
edges of life;
whether that's stumbling on a random band
playing under the awnings of a park bridge,
or the setting sun
caressing the sky
and bounding
across the grass
where we lay
after a well-lived day
Because we both know the difference
between our feelings in the moment
and the truth
Between how a misunderstanding,
even a bad one,
can likely be fixed with a little
love and explanation
Because we're both honest to our core,
even when it means
admitting we're the one at fault,
at least a little bit
Because you notice all the little
weird
passing things
about people
that I do
Because of how tickled
we both got about a
waitress who kept telling
us her name,
every time she stopped by,
Because this...
isn't just for me
Well, some of it is, for sure,
but...
I just know
I could make you
so insanely happy
for so long
And that...
this feeling,
this energy
wouldn't go away
It might...
sometimes
get covered up
under our busy days
or stressed minds,
but it will always
be right back
immediately
I will never
ever take you
for granted

Because
we have the best
internet conversations,
phone conversations,
car conversations,
drunk conversations,
high as hell,
soaking wet,
falling asleep,
I always love
hearing every little thing
you have to say,
just like you
feel the same when I speak:
each of us loving
how it tells us even more
about the other
Because you can cook,
and teach me how,
Because you can cut my hair
for free
and take the perfect picture
in every perfect moment shared,
Because I can play+sing you songs on guitar,
and teach you how,
Because I can read you to sleep,
write endless poems about everything
you love
and give you the best massages
Because I love watching movies with you,
singing songs, or sitting in silence
Because touching your skin
runs currents of electricity
through every nerve in my body,
Because we could travel the world,
or at least our country,
in long airplane flights
and distant car rides,
Because I love the way
your laugh breaks when you get
really excited
Because I can always
be so completely and wholly
myself around you,
in every moment,
and I know you can too
It's solid, grounded
in our years of knowing
one another
Because
IF THERE IS A LIST
of people that get
the chance to make you
happy and treat you nicely,
well,
I think I should be on it, dammit.
Because talking to you
is always so so so so goddamned
easy
in a way
that it has never
been with any other girl
every time I'm scared,
and bite the bullet,
in boyish bravery
to tell you some
true or faltering
or deep part
of who I am,
what I'm going through,
how I feel
You always respond
in the most perfect
and understanding
ways
blowing my mind,
that someone could see me,
see what I mean,
see how I'm trying,
see how the whole world works,
and the honesty
in my trying to improve it
and myself.
Because you make me want
to better myself,
to fix things I've broken,
to stop and whisper,
you make me feel so blessed
and happy
at the chance of meeting and
having you
that I just want to be
as good and decent
a man as I can
so you have
something to be proud of
something to inspire
Because
we only
want to make
each other's days
better and better
Because we're both lovers,
and givers,
and I have endless talks
with my first best friend
about how few people
are really about that;
but you are
we are





{how i would take care of you}
I can't promise there won't be
bad days, or fights,
or moments of doubt
I can't promise you won't ever
second-guess yourself,
that is so natural
and honest,
and I wouldn't
be happy with a love
or faith
that didn't doubt
itself,
and find it reaffirmed
I can't promise you'll never be
sad, or confused,
or
I can't promise I won't ever
think you're weird
or frustrating
I can't promise I won't cry...
I can't promise you won't either
But I can make a few promises
A few, but ones I feel matter...
I can promise
to always be patient with you
to trust you when you promise me something
and not make you think twice
about doing so
I promise we will laugh
and be unable to stop smiling
far more days than not
I promise to try new restaurants,
places, people, and things with you
I promise to always be open-minded
to things you want to try
and to attempt to have fun doing them
I promise to
never stop
teaching you
new things
and to be
happy to learn
from you always...
You're such a good teacher

I promise to kiss you
at all the best moments,
the ones that really need it
I promise to tell you
how amazing I'm thinking you look
how much fun I'm having with you
how happy I am to be with you
every time that I am
I promise to hold your hair
when you puke,
or need to put on a necklace,
To never leave you behind,
or leave you out,
to always make you feel
heard,
and understood






{things i will not be to you}
I can promise
I won't take away
your god-given-right
to just be
completely and wholly you
I can promise
not to take away
or encroach
on your independence
or time away from me
I can promise to never
make you wish you had
time for yourself
or time for your friends
I can promise
to never make you feel
like a bird in a cage
ever again
I promise to never
make you feel upset
or hurt
that you hung out with
friends or family
I can promise you'll never
find me a rotten drunk,
a junkie-addict,
or in bed or love
with another person
while I'm with you

I can promise you'll
want to defend me,
never believe a lie,
because you'll trust me
I can promise to back you up,
sometimes even if I don't agree--just because we're a team,
I can promise I won't
use you, forget you,
or say anything
out of spite
or hurt
without apologizing for it
almost
immediately



{something}{Life is so much better with someone else to check it out with}
I promise to never take you for granted,
to be understanding, open-minded,
loyal, and honest,
to be interesting
as often as I'm boring,
and to genuinely care about you
for who you are, and how I've known you
and for how beautiful I think you are
inside and out
Life is
SO
MUCH
BETTER
with someone
fun
to check it out with,
to explore the inner
and outer
And I want those kind
of connections in my life
Because I want
to be able
to have
dating Rachel Hart
as a thing that happened in my life,
I want to remember that when I'm old and gray,
when life is fringed
and clawed
and at its ends
And I need to know
I did my best
I want that to be
a thing that I did
that I wanted so badly
and got to experience
in a rush of life
and love
and learning
and laugh




Because I know you so well
and you know me so well
and we make each other happy
Because you make me laugh laugh laugh
laugh laugh dammit
So it would basically be ridiculous
not to

Rachel Miciah Hart, will you be my girlfriend?
[alive] when you're shoving me

Ick. [08 Sep 2015|02:09am]
Shot down satellites

xxxx

like butterflies
transforming
a hundred thousand
times

xx

each of us
isolated islands
of existence
looking to meet
peninsulas

xx

words fly like arrows
and wound twice as much

xx

We are such fragile
beings
relying on water, air
helpless without
our energies
little batteries

xx

Every New Orleans storm
Every mile forged
in blood and pavement
Any payment
plied from the Earth
at an ounce an acre

xx

I made mazes of my love for you
Got lost walking

xx

We made mazes
adjusting our path
to each abstract action
each challenge

xx
[alive] when you're shoving me

[20 Aug 2015|04:07pm]
I spent the days building dreams from
ancient architecture I found in the
curves of your wrists, the angles of hips, the contours of your lips
I spent the nights painting symphonies on the skyline, an endless crescendo pulled from bits of your broken bursting laugh, the singsong hum you make when nervous, all those gentle sighs in your sleep
I spent the heat of myself wrapped in infinite design, bathed in sunlight, drunk on moonlight, attempting to recreate for one moment how I feel each day with you.
[alive] when you're shoving me

[17 Aug 2015|08:51pm]
I've carried in me seas of tranquility
and oceans of peace
Stores of understanding
that I'd left unknowingly locked
Life has become a series of shrugs
and bashful smiles
Anything that is, will be
and all that isn't, need not
It's as if I've become untangled
from ropes and wires that were keeping me weighed down and misunderstanding
Now nothing matters,
nothing counts for anything except the infinite moment
No journey's path is essential
excepting my own
And with this unfettered untethering,
this blissful awakening
these wings take flight
and every moment, "good" or "bad" has become a blessing
[alive] when you're shoving me

[16 Jul 2015|02:03pm]
Two people I know have passed this week. One was murdered. I can't stand being awake right now. I can't get even a single text back from a person who was my best friend a month ago, a person who I've given so much for. I worry I'll never hear from her again. And my head and heart can't stop worrying that I may have already seen Rowan for the last time. I'm trying to be patient, trying to pray, take deep breaths, keep hoping. But this week has been brutal, and keeps taking. And I've never loved anything as much as I love witnessing that boy just exist near me. Please, God, please anyone that's listening: don't let me lose him. I've lost and given up pleanty in my life, but I honestly don't know if I could handle that. It might be my final straw. He's what makes everything else bearable and even beautiful. Please, God, please.
[alive] when you're shoving me

[26 Jun 2015|02:37am]
You took the skirts. That's the worst. I just would have loved one. It wasn't about you. It was one of the only little odds or ends that might have survived the years to remind me of a girl I once loved.

I have no old tshirts or perfumes. And everyone's like that, everyone.
3SawMyFallfromGrace||[alive] when you're shoving me

[21 Jun 2015|01:03pm]
Went on a date last night. Hard to matter. She's my best friend and the thing that makes me feel the most everything. I get that we'll never be married and she'll never be in love with me. I just miss her. Miss her and her missing me. Do you know how horrible it feels when someone stops missing you, stops worrying about you? Not just stops being in love with you, but stops actively loving you at all?
No texts to send me good thoughts or feelings.
No (even short) calls to make sure I'm doing okay, or that I'm not losing my shit.
No making plans or even any interaction unless I initiate it or she needs something.
No missing me
No missing me
No missing me
Like I miss my best friend

Six years or more, and she'll still drop me and close the door hard for the first romantic notion or pretty face. For anything really. I've always been the default, the backup plan, the thing she reactivates when she's bored or doesn't have anything else terribly interesting going on.

I've given up so many parts of myself, of my pride, of my self-security, of my self-esteem just trying to make her see me as special, unique, important to 1/10th of the degree I see her that way. Not be in love with me, just love me. All I ever see is her walking away. And she gets to do this to me forever. I'll always let her back in. Always want her to be okay. Always leave any event, date, whatever to come pick her up if she needs me, to talk to her.
When I know she's bad, I text, I call, I check on her. I try to surprise her with nice things.
It's never the same in reverse. She has so much regard for every other friend besides me. And that is the part that hurts like a bitch.
Not what she does, but that it's not hard for her.
Not that she leaves, but that it's so easy.
Not that I miss her, but that she doesn't miss me beyond a passing thought.
That I need her in my life in some way, shape, or form, and I honestly doubt she would have much of a reaction at all if she was never going to see me again.

At the very least, I expected a "Happy Father's Day".
[alive] when you're shoving me

[19 Jun 2015|10:45am]
I've known you six years.
Dont think I don't know you build nests.
That you're building one now.
You pretend independence while making yourself be liked.
You'll make pouty stay in bed faces, cuddle hard, push every button for sex. You'll buy food for the whole house and cook it too, just so they won't mind when you crash there endless nights.
You'll fuck and fuck and fuck because that's all any relationship is to you.

You'll build a nest, put off getting a job, put off joining the armed forces, just do what you want. Build a nest.
[alive] when you're shoving me

[07 Jan 2015|05:55am]
I thought it was magic the way rainbow lit your room in a string of old and beautiful lights that hit me like waves of nostalgia and dream-girl visions I've been witnessing since 15. Hippie eyes and pirate smile, sinking in my skin like our endless cascades of smoke. I like the way your eyes light up when you look at me, like you're seeing your dream too. Dreaming's never been as easy as when I'm with you.


xxxxxxxxxx

"You can't love anyone else after I die. I'll haunt you." "Well, why wouldn't I just date your ghost then?" Daweee.


xxxxxxxxxxx

You fuck like a storm. You fuck like a pack of wolves tearing me apart. You fuck like bloodsport and hurricanes. Ripping, shreading me. You steal my soul's canvas home in my eyes, when yours peer into mine. Every expression a riotous animal caged and aching primal urgency. I fuck you like I need you, like I've thirsted in tired and winding deserts waiting to drink you up. Your every kiss and violent brutal mood mirroring my own in ecstatic harmony and synchrony. I don't even want to pleasure myself anymore when its worth the days waiting for your tempest embrace, ivory bones and fevered lips. I am lost inside us when we sew limb to limb, enraptured and ensnared by love, blissful love.
[alive] when you're shoving me

Home is wherever I'm with you. [23 Dec 2014|09:18pm]
You're mine, you're mine, you're mine, you're mine
You are mine you are mine you are mine you are mine
I can't even believe you're real
and you're all mine
and I'm all yours
so I'm singing songs and bouncing off walls,
grinning ear to ear
can't stop feeling so so so warm
in my chest

The first time I kissed you felt like
the first time I heard rock and roll,
the first time I saw Brand New live,
the first time I tasted cheesecake
Our first kiss was an explosion
Only one word ever exchanged voice-to-voice
and we're pressed against a wall
breathing each other deep
clinging
clawing
smiling
laughing

You make me feel so beautiful
and you kiss my every little bit
saying you're salty
the whole world is only you and me
I've never moved so fast
with anyone
Never felt so right
with anyone
Never felt so loved
with anyone
It's you. You're it.
The girl I've been waiting on since I first wanted
to love someone to all their tiny pieces
to be loved back, desperately, wildly

36 hours of no-sleep and endless bowls,
our talktalktalking the night to extinction
miss passive sunrise sneak up behind curtains
You run in repeat in my head
sway your hips like the ocean's crashing waves
touch me only all the right ways
My holy poet tongue
is scraping the bottom of the barrel,
running behind exhaustion and overwhelming awe
but all I can do is say again and again
just how much I love you
just how we'll do it all
so you smile, agree
i kiss you again and again
knowing in my heart we are meant to travel roads together
and sing a thousand songs in the wake of our dawning hearts
rip roadmaps apart, and change each other for the best
a hundred thousand adventures and stories
and love love love
You are an incredible dream comes true
and I can't stop staring,
laughing, grinning
just because you're really really real
and you're here
with me
saying you're mine, just mine
Laughing eyes that shine
and bubblegum hair
smile that takes my breath away
you are all of me and I am all of you

I will follow you anywhere.
[alive] when you're shoving me

[07 Dec 2014|02:17am]
I think he just figured out the best and easiest way to make you a puppet on his strings. He knew that the best way to keep you was to deny you what you want. What you have such an easy time getting. It can be quietly and subtly held over you, making you curious question why why why? So you try all the sarcastic smiles and go extra miles to make him happy, to hold some hope. Just like he knows you will. And if he ever decides to give you what you want, whether its a relationship or the body you claim you haven't had, you'll be grateful. Even if he holds it from you after that. Heck, knowing how puppeteers love to play it'd be too easy to just give you what you want once, and then shy away. Or go away. So you build it as some holy temple of a moment in your mind and wish blind to do or be anything that let's you go there again. How wise he was to see which strings you need, that you only want what you can't have and the wondering why.
[alive] when you're shoving me

[28 Nov 2014|12:14pm]
Please don't be technology
So you can turn off your love
Like some cold machine

Don't feed me scraps from your bed
And I won't be the stray coming back
Just to be fed
Don't be waves
Come to seal my fate, Marie
Just pretend
That you want me
And be my babe

And be my babe, won’t you be my babe?
Be my babe, won’t you be my babe?
Be my babe, won’t you be my babe?
Be my babe, won’t you be my babe?
(To Be Mine)

Well don't be that note I can't hold
Don't be that joke that I told and told 'til it got old
Don't be that hand 'round my throat so I can't breathe
Say you're my friend but why won't you be my family?

And if you breed,
Just don't tell me

And be my babe, won’t you be my babe?
Be my babe, won’t you be my babe?
Be my babe, won’t you be my babe?
Be my babe, won’t you be my babe?
Be my cheri

Be my serene
Tell me you know what I mean
You've set on me but you are not the sun
No, you are NOT the sun
(Burn it down) Outside your cold lips again
(Come around) You've set on me but you are not the sun
You are not the sun

Just pretend that you love me

And be my babe, won’t you be my babe?
Be my babe, won’t you be my babe?(Don’t you want me?)
Be my babe, won’t you be my babe?(Why don’t you want me?)
Be my babe, won’t you be my babe?(You know I want you…)

To be mine.
[alive] when you're shoving me

Are you happy now? [10 Nov 2014|01:30pm]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uxb6RFh3BCw
[alive] when you're shoving me

[23 Oct 2014|04:19pm]
Just a bunch of diary-type writing. Not writing-writing. No beautiful prose or poetry here, just feelings I need to express somewhere—and where else is best but my constant journey journal since I was 14.

======

I can’t keep wishing
I might also be tired of trying
I think waiting, being,
and searching myself for peace
is, clinically, the best option
Just hard to make myself want
& enjoy solitude
Hard to not miss my consistent
best-friend

++

Hard to stop missing you,
even with all the facts
Hard to stop romanticizing
wonderful, beautiful, all I wanted you
even knowing what I know
Like a pump I can’t turn off
Like a locket long worn
years of practicing has made perfect
It feels like killing something
that I love

===

Three cheers to new songs
& new friends;
trying to let go through it
destroys you
Trying to grow,
with your head stuck in the clouds

+++

I miss you
I will always miss you
But that will never matter
because you’ll never feel
the same
You’ll never be that star-struck
girl ever again,
falling in love with me
like a sun burning itself out
every single day

--- -- -----

I’m tired of writing so literally, but it’s all you can do when you’re this exhausted. It was one thing when I felt like I might write out my own answers. The ones I was searching so desperately for. Or find some comfort/solace, be more easily able to let go and move on. Or even that old hope, so still and close to my heart, that if I phrased it just right, used the right words, was clever enough—that you’d somehow fall back in love with me. All I've wanted desperately the last four years of writing was to write just one thing beautiful and touching and real torn-from-the-heart-of-my-soul raw that you would read it and feel like you had just opened your eyes from years of being blind, that you would see the truth of us and find that same love for me that you used to have.

It hurts and worries and scares me more than I’m willing to admit to anyone how uncertain I get in moments before sleep, alone in the bath, driving by myself that maybe, possibly, those words ARE out there, and I’m just not a good enough writer to tease/pull/breathe it out. That maybe if I just put my all in one good time, spent weeks or months on one piece, stretching all my talent and pushing all my mental and creative extremes for a strained and snapping amount of time, fasted and focused and refused to let it go—maybe, just maybe then you’d love me again. I break apart in tears at the thought.
[alive] when you're shoving me

I miss the we that we used to be [16 Oct 2014|04:19pm]
I miss my constant companion
I miss my late-night Alaska Young
I miss whispering stories
& fears & holding hands in the dark
feeling safe and brave
when I had the strength of my best-friend
I miss waking up early to laughs
from our boy or one another
I miss being a good solid
shoulder to cry on
Miss being the confidant
I miss knowing she would go to hell
and back
to defend me
I miss the joyous way she used
to look at me,
better than anyone ever has,
or grin ear-to-ear when she surprised me
with some small sweet present she thought of
or showing up when I didn't expect her,
filling to the brim with happiness
in both our hearts
at being back together
unexpectedly
Miss being each other's secret
and keeping the other's secrets
Miss being a bright
and beautiful thing
looked forward to,
enjoyed completely
Miss the feeling
of our soul's entwining
in a way wholly unique to us
Miss being able to lie beside
each other for days
just enjoying the company

I miss being something
she missed

When we shared
every new poem we wrote
or great song we heard,
saving it for one another
every time

I miss when it was
the two of us vs the world
And I would give anything
I have now or ever will
just to get that back
1SawMyFallfromGrace||[alive] when you're shoving me

[11 Oct 2014|01:06am]
I miss having a reason to shave the razor close, repeating the weighted drag across my cheeks till I was really and truly smooth.
I miss shaving my chest with precision and care just the way she liked it.
I miss feeling warm in my chest and proud and happy putting on dress clothes, getting a good shower, and putting on cologne.
I miss feeling impressive
pretty
wanted
I miss just the way it made me feel
about myself
The way it made me feel,
her wanting me, still,
after so long
Her finding me beautiful
or alluring
urged to pull me close
be with me

She never looks twice anymore.
Never gets that fire in her eye.
Never just...kisses me and looks at me that way.
I thought what we had was universal
beyond measure
or gender
two souls stuck on each other
I'm usually wrong about these sorts of things
silly and mispronouncing feeling,
stuttered reading of other's people's love,
boyish and unforgiving of life's tilting laugh
[alive] when you're shoving me

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