&takumi;

September 15th, 2006 | 10:38am

- ¬¬

The comment footers are fucked up. And I don't know how to fix them.

...

Damnit! (>。<)

August 8th, 2006 | 10:21pm

[mood| moody]
[music| "Sarasouju no Komoriuta" - Kagrra,]



I'm relapsing.

Insecure.

Depressed.

Paranoid.

Panicky.

Suicidal...

August 8th, 2006 | 9:44pm

- Best friends or lack there of.

[mood| rejected]
[music| "Sarasouju no Komoriuta" - Kagrra,]



I wish I was as strong-willed and confident as I make myself out to be.

I wish I was as apathetic and egocentric as I act.

I wish for a lot of things.

But I'm stubborn.

So I suppose I'll just have to suffer through my depressions and insecurities.

And.

Sad to say.

(No pun intended.)

They're happening increasingly often.

July 30th, 2006 | 1:46am

- Vainglorious self-disappointment of depressive conceit.

[mood| rejected]
[music| "Never is a Promise" - Fiona Apple]



Again with the insecurities. I would very much like to study psychology, in my spare time or professionally, if only to more fully understand myself.

And help myself.

I am narcissistic, to a point.

And I am vain.

Conceited.

I am all of those things.

But I am so insecure and paranoid.

I think...

Why do these people not like me?

No one likes me, why?

O, nobody likes me.

I am worried of popularity.

Why?

I claim to be self-sufficient and independent.

That I don't need to have friends.

And I wonder if that is true.

Because I worry that the friends I do have dislike me.

Are irritated by me.

Secretly despise me.

Deceit me.

And I know some of them do.

At least for deceit.

It is unbearable. And I don't want to confess to anyone of this, because I don't like being a drama queen, and I don't like pitying myself, and complaining to people; they will also think sorely of me, as if I am weak for thinking this way, so melodramatic, beating myself up, low self-esteem, conventionally...

I hate this.

And I wonder if I could do better off by myself.

I want flocks of friends...

And yet I don't.

I also heavily compare myself by nature to my extremely loveable and popular cousin.

I hate being me.

And yet, I am so proud of the things I hate.

My ego is manic depressive. It's so weird.

I am egoistic!

And then... down on myself.

It is odd. I want therapy. Not talking with Krista, for she is a counselor.

I want medical therapy. Where they can explain this. All of it. My mind. I wish I understood.

I just don't get it.

I'm so depressed.

But not.

And all on top of that.

I'm beginning to miss my father.

Which makes me miss my mummy.

I want my dad, I want my mum.

Why does everything tie into everything else? Why I am so damn alone? (Because I still can't help bottling up the feelings that matter; I only throw out opinions... I am emotionally closed. Still. It is my own fault.)

Why do I reflect?

Why do I have this luck?

I want to be different.

Better.

Okay.

I want to be new.

I want to be stable.

I want my ego to stay elevated.

I want my things to stay where I want them.

I want.

And I want.

I want, I want, I want.

I want my mummy.

I want my daddy.

I want to go home.

July 23rd, 2006 | 3:30am

- Who likes to bitch? I do!

[mood| lazy]
[music| "You Don't Know" - Reel Big Fish]



So, yeah.

I've been thinking I want a new mood-theme.

Velvet Goldmine, I'm thinking.

BUT HOW?!

I mean... I don't want to ask Eliot or Genkai to help me, because that's so much! But all I have is MSPaint and thirty bucks! And I refuse to buy anything with that thirty bucks because I'm always broke and I'm tired of it! SO. I have resolved to save it. ...I'll have to remember that it's in my back pocket.

I think I can manage to find some Image Editors online, sure... but the challenge is the screencaps. And I still haven't finished my Suzuki mood-theme for a role-play I do here on LiveJournal.

...Nor did I ever do Karasu's mood-theme like I told Kizzy I would... But on the other hand, I told Kizzy I'd finish her mood-theme once I finished my Suzuki one!

I'd like to learn CSS and such very badly. I want to be able to work the layout magic on LiveJournal. I bet I could. I wish I could take classes for it like I could at my old school. Then again, I'd also like a Japanese tutor...

I need to study that more. I really do.

Backtracking.

I want image editing programs. Like Adobe Photoshop or Paintshop Pro. I want them VERY much. Perhaps I can ask for one for Christmas... but I need more memory on my computer first. Hopefully I'll be getting that done this week.

You know. Tonight I will write up my list of Christmas / birthday presents I want. I'm so materialistic / needy. But I plan ahead! When I benefit from it directly.

Boredom. Skadome. SarawakaisIMingmeandIreallyneedtoasnwerherdome.

I feel artistic but I can't do anything with this feeling because it involves computer graphics and photography..... GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH............

Le hiss sigh...~~

July 7th, 2006 | 12:05am

- What's a Fuckass?

[mood| cynical]
[music| "Michelle" - The Beatles]




( I'm just whining.Collapse )

June 20th, 2006 | 3:08pm

- Screwit.

I'm always mourning the death of a parent in the summer, or at least these past two summers. Last summer, mum; this summer, dad.

I really have the worst of luck.

May 15th, 2006 | 11:16pm

- ACKACKACK!!!

[mood| bouncy]
[music| "Areguro Dansu" - Kra]


I STILL haven't done my maths! I MUST do those! Right now! EEEEEEEEEEEGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news, I talked with Jin today! x3 It was hilarious.

.......RIGHT NOW, KURAMA, I WANT TO KILL YOU! If you are reading. He's signing on and off and on and off and INTERRUPTING MY KRA!

Grr.

I have decided upon next year. Freshman. New impressions. New people. Everything~~

1.) I will have more, better, more me clothes
2.) I will learn to sew over the summer to make those
3.) I will keep my room relatively clean to make it easy to do my homework and etcetera
4.) I will do my homework XD
5.) I will not let my nail polish chip
6.) I will style my hair
7.) I will wear perfume from Hollister because it smells good
8.) I will, in addition, smell of strawberries and wear strawberry somethings on my clothes
9.) I will look cute as opposed to... whatever I am now! (Daresay, I am not ugly! EEK!)
10.) I will put my intellect and ego aside and be more sociable
11.) I will put my intellect and ego aside and act cute
12.) I will be cute
13.) Like I am in my mind and online
14.) Bubbly more so than cute
15.) I will not be embarrassed to read something other girls are reading in fear I will look like I'm copying them (troubling that with Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging)
16.) I will perfect make-up
17.) I will have a tan or something darker than the ghost I am now
18.) I will have an awesome hair cut; like Bou's from An Cafe?
19.) I will be blonde.r. Like....... almost like Suzuki from Yuu Yuu Hakusho, plus Bou from An Cafe, plus Yura-sama from Psycho le Cemu. That blonde. :D
20.) I won't be afraid to talk to anyone
21.) I will go to dances
22.) I will express myself if I like someone
23.) I will not bottle myself up
24.) I will be accepting and open and less irritable to have more pals
25.) I will be more like me.

♥!

May 15th, 2006 | 8:48pm

- Wellp!

[mood| blah]
[music| "Hana no Miyako" - Charlotte]



He ain't dead.

He's in stable condition, they say.

He isn't in ICU, either.

They have given him another operation.

He's to have yet another afterwards.

I'm stepping out to visit D tomorrow at the VA. He wasn't up for visitors today.

So this is a relief.

I cried all day at school, though.

Luckily, I got cheered up in ninth hour after talking to Krista.

I also got to get onto LiveJournal since my teacher said I could in Reading when we were doing a computer program that won't let me on.

So I've officially made a LiveJournal something while at school.

I'm such a nerd. :p

May 15th, 2006 | 8:35am

- Mornings

Good morning!

Karen's going to tell me about my dad in a few minutes when I get in the car to go to school.

I have this funny feeling...

That he's dead.

May 15th, 2006 | 12:27am

- Silence is Golden >>> Mouth Cancer's Silence

[mood| depressed]
[music| "Leeca" - Gackt]



"Mashuganah!"

Was that really my name?

Or...

"You big lizard!"

When I was a little prat and would lick his cheek? Haha,that's hilarious! Not.

Despite the moodiness, and the typical rebellion of teenage years against their -- our -- parents, there is still love. And we search out things to hold against them, things to be peeved at them about; O, the melodrama. But then we always regret it.

I know this firsthand from my mother.

But you'd think I'd've learned by now.

I know you all did not know this. My father is sick. He has been since November. They discovered mouth cancer in his tongue and throat. He had a surgery, and they removed the tumor. He underwent radiation therapy to kill it off. It hurt him so bad. He finished it up two weeks ago, last time I talked to him.

I got this e-mail from his pal Peter earlier tonight. An excerpt:

"Hi, Allison:

Not having been able to reach Alan by phone for the past 8 days, I called his landlord (who lives in the house next door). He informed me that he's been in the VA hospital for the past ten days. It seems that some blood clots had formed in his throat area...which were successfully removed. Unfortunately, it seems that another clot has reformed in the same area. So...he's being kept there under observation until they determine exactly what's going on and how to treat it."

Why me?

I wrote him a letter, with much snot. harhar And I will probably be going to see him tomorrow at the VA Hospital. (It's for veterans. He served three years.)

Even though I negate him, I love my dad. If he dies on me, my entire life with my mother, everything before *her* death, will be lost forever in my eyes. I'll be a legal orphan. My mum is dead. My dad's dying. If he dies... she's dead... Ooo... I don't know what I'll do. I'll die on the inside, maybe. I can't believe it.

This is happening all over again....!





((Everyone; Go hug your parents right now and tell them that you love them.))

May 14th, 2006 | 10:19pm

- Ugh!

[mood| stressed]
[music| "Delicious Way" - Ichigo69.]



Maths suck!

I'm reading "Agnus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging." Lovely.

Off to go do more maths, lest I hold my 31% F in the class for the rest of the school year! Ackack, laundry too! >

April 27th, 2006 | 12:19am

- Half a Conversation With Kintango

[mood| indescribable]
[music| "Suzaku no Sora" - Rurutia]





I IMed Botan because I was stressed and mad at my dad. We got to talking about my childhood and how he was a crappy dad. Then.. to this.

April 16th, 2006 | 12:11am

- Fortunate Saviour: Escapism

[mood| amused]
[music| "Aquaria" - Psycho le Cemu]

April 15th, 2006 | 5:29pm

- Hit 'em up

[mood| weird]
[music| "Orange Parade" - 苺69。]




I've resolved to ask Karen if I can buy things online. @@ I can give her the money. But I've seen all these beautiful clothes.... and I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddddd................ JRock CDs....... like I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed............. air.

I need AnCafe, PANIC*ch, Psycho le Cemu, Himitsu Kessha Codomo A, IMITATION PoPs Uchuu Sentai NOIZ, Kamikaze Shounen dan, Betii, Charlotte, grimm, Delphinnium, Dollis Marry, Ichigo69., kra, Never Crazy, Shelly trip Realize, Gackt, L'Arc~en~Ciel..... Actually, I had/have a Laruku album--Smile. My old pal Carly gave it to me as a present at my mother's wake. But I loaned it to my new notsofriendishanymore friendspud Sara. In December. I need it back, in addition to FOUR OTHER burned JRock CDs.

In all honesty, I feel kind of poserish or inferior or something because I don't have anything and I don't have all the head knowledge. Especially AnCafe head knowledge. So I feel awkward in the community an_cafe. But I'm all right. I think it's because I'm unpopular on LiveJournal, when I have the potential to be poopyuulahr. Who knows!

I also need new icons. I just can't find any SUPER AWESOME ones. I'll look around.

In the meantime, I'll sit here and clean my bedroom some more for tomorrow. Happy Easter, y'all!

April 15th, 2006 | 4:20am

- Le Sigh!

[mood| stressed]
[music| "Saraba Sekai" - Himitsu Kessha Codomo A]


Well, not much has been accomplished today, which causes me great sorrow. It's four o' clock in the morning. I'm about to pass out. And I've only been up for thirteen hours. The most I got today was emoticons, LJ cuts, and a neckache. The entire day was spent roleplaying and listening to Oshare Kei. Just like every day. So if I am not forced to cook and clean all day tomorrow for our coming guests, I shall be working on my website and fanfictions. And then LiveJournal and MySpace. I'm also aspiring to make a set of Suzuki emoticons for my Suzuki journal (Utsukushii no Bam!). I have three done thus far. It's something. I think I'm a workaholic and a procrastinator at the same time. I load myself with projects, and then they never get done. Someting is wrong with me.

...

O. And I got a new chapter up on one of my stories, if I didn't mention that already. It's something. Happy Easter, everyone~~

April 15th, 2006 | 3:48am

- OMFG!!!!!!!1one!

[mood| dorky]
[music| "Tekesuta kousen" - An Cafe]




( LOOKIT THIS HERE!Collapse )

April 14th, 2006 | 8:03pm

- Back to the drawing boards.

[mood| accomplished]
[music| "Shinderera" - HenzeL ]


I'm really happy it's a three day weekend. I never get to do everything I need/want to do during the week. Why? I don't know. But I painted my nails finally. And I updated a story on Fanfiction.net. I have a feeling I'm going to be getting a lot done this weekend. I still have two more days, even.

April 9th, 2006 | 1:44pm

- EHMIGAWD!

[mood| sick]
[music| "Tell Me" - hide ]


I've been sucked in! IT'S KILLED MY LJ!

Cha.

I've been SOOOOO~~ busy with role-playing lately, I've rarely even signed into this account. It's rather sad. I've been housing an Oshare Kei obsession, still. I've been housing a Suzuki obsession still.

BUT! News news news!

I broke up with John last month. Or the month before. I can't remember if it was February or March. No matter. I haven't talked to him since, but I'm going to call his brother tomorrow, since its their birthday. (Triplets~~) I have come to realize that when you say you still want to be friends and he says "I guess" that it means you'll probably never talk again. I just want to check to see if he's all right. Or alive. Living would be good.

In other news, I don't have to take Phys. Ed. at school, which I am very grateful for. I've also become very religious. Go God!

I'm officially a walking rainbow. In a few weeks, when summer vacation starts, I would like to learn to sew and make my own clothes. Oshare attack.

I've resolved to die my hair blonde. I have a plethora of new friends through role-playing, which I am thankful for, and I have more friends at school now. Everything is going very well, though my father is very sickly. I also believe I've lost my cell phone. I'll find that and call him later today.

As for now, adieu!

February 25th, 2006 | 12:48am

[mood| creative]
[music| "Pink Cherry" - PANIC*ch]


Hey... Just sayin' hey. I've been engulfed in role-plays. Pathetic, productive, or a little of both, plus some socialization?

Anyway. I am the master of layouts and music. YES...!

I also realized why characters are my favourites. Because they remind me of myself. Characters I have nothing in common with, like Yuusuke, Hiei, Kurama, and Kuwabara, I don't like. Quite odd. I'm so... ...conceited. Le sigh.

February 12th, 2006 | 11:30pm

- o*(≧∀≦)*o

Nyappy... DAIサマ here.

I've changed so much since I last posted! I'm so... so... inconsistent!

I am drowning under the influence of Oshare Kei.

I ♥ Oshare Kei!

My favourite band is AnCafé... I also like PANIC☆ch and kra. HenzeL, 苺69。(Ichigo69.), grimm, hanamuke, and Delphinium (I love "Kyoku") are really good, too. But it makes me sad how hard it is to find music of these bands, when you'll have Dir en Grey thrown at you on almost every Mp3 rotation site! o*(>-<)*o

Nyan nyan...! Valentine's Day is this Wednesday! o*(≧∀≦)*o I'm so excited!! o(*^^*)o I got Jnyan (John) a super-duper cute sweater! Well, it's not really cute, but it's GREEN and cool! (I wouldn't wear it... but I'd/I'll like it on him!) It's GREEN and it has the German flag on each sleeve on the shoulders; it's like a German military jacket from World War II. It's chou supa nyappy... Jnyan said he's going to look for these cute glasses I saw in PacSun for me; they're big and kawaii and they have rhinestones on them. o*(≧∀≦)*o

I got him a funny card. It says "You stole my heart... and I'm okay with that." on the front, and on the inside it says "But don't go getting any ideas about my kidneys." I thought it was super funny, so I bought it. I'm going to get him ☆CANDY☆!!!!

I painted my nails. They're pink and super cute. I'll take a picture! o*('ω')*o

I got hair-clips and pony-tails today at Claire's! They're all so cute! And I got these super spiffy pink short/boxers at Old Navy with shamrocks on them, and socks with hearts on them, too, and some bracelets! I got a pin that says "Music = Life" on it at Hot Topic when I bought Jnyan's jacket. I went to Aeropostal... Everything's so expensive! o(T-T)o

I cleaned my room, too! It's pretty! I'm going to start reading... something... soon! I have to give Mrs. Metrinko back "The Count of Monte Cristo." I'll read it later.

Me = chou supa happy!!! ☆♥ o*(≧∀≦)*o

Bai~bai! Oyasumi nasai, minna-san!o*('ω')*o

Current mood: chou supa happy

January 26th, 2006 | 12:59pm

- Heck yes...! XD

January 26th, 2006 | 8:36am

- Survey

SURVEY ..1

1. Who are you?
Dai-sama.

2. What do you wish you were doing right now?
Your mom. (I don't know. Living a wonderful life in Ireland as a famous novelist married to my boyfriend...?)

3. If the apocalypse is nigh and technology was dead, including guns, what would be your weapon of choice for battle/protection?
I'd be the crazy person who was running around screaming and singing about love and peace. And if things got rough, I'd hide behind my aunt and pray. XD

4. Would you prefer the world to be at peace or there to be no more disease?
Peace. Duh.

5. The government is putting a limit on how many children you can have, what do you think it should be?
Seven. (Not that I want seven children personally, but, you know, some people do.)

6. If you could exist as a character in any book as if it were real life, what book would become your story?
"Shizuko's Daughter."

7. Did you have an imaginary friend as a kid?
Yeah. I still do... Or do I? DUN DUN DUN!

8. You are talking to someone who knows the answers to only two questions: Will I find love and have a family of my own? Or will I be financially well off and never worried about money? You can ask only one question. What do you ask?
I would ask neither, because if God willed it to happen, then it'll happen, and there's no point to try and change it.


9. You are dying, would you rather have your last rights (Visit from a religious figure such as a priest) or your friends and family present one last time to say good bye?
...My friends and family. A good few of them are Christian and know the last rights, so I'll be good.

10. You just robbed a bank and stole $20,000,000. Your only choice is to leave the country forever. Where do you go?
England or Ireland. But I'd never rob a bank.

11. If you could own any animal right now and space, taming and money to care for it wasnt a worry, what would you have?
...A basenji or a chihuahua. XD

12. What mythical beast do you wish was real?
Giraffes.

13. If you had to kill someone to protect the rest of the human race, who would it be?
The anti-Christ...? Oo

14. Suddenly everyone forgets who you are. Would you reintroduce yourself when given the chance, or start completely fresh?
I'd reintroduce myself with some people I'm close with, and start fresh with others.

15. You have to stand naked in a public place for 1 hour. Where will you stand?
In a bush at the park right next to my car. XD

16. Your death will be on the news. How do you make it interesting?
Dance the macarena. I don't know. I'd be dead.

17. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
Air.

18. If you could be in any movie, what would you star in?
Moon Child. Because then I be like "ZOMG, GAKU!" And such.

19. If you could play one instrument better than anyone who ever existed, what instrument would you choose?
Piano. I'm such a nerd.

20. Choose a song to: a. Have sex to, b. Run away from trouble to, c. Dance with someone to, and d. Kill someone to:

A.) "Strange and Beautiful (I'll Put a Spell on You)" by Aqualung
B.) "Garden" by Dir en Grey
C.) "Dragostea Din Tei" by O-Zone
D.) "Stuck in the Middle With You" by Stealer's Wheel

21. If you could smell like anything all the time, without even taking a shower, what scent would you be recognized for?
Gardenias. :3

22. You are sucked back into time and you see yourself as a 12 year old kid. You can give yourself one piece of advice without consequence. What would you tell yourself?
Save all your money.XD

23. Once again you are going back in time, only this time you are going back to see your mother pregnant with you. You can tell her anything you want and she will listen and follow your instructions. What would you tell her to do?
Don't smoke cigarettes.

24. If you could have endless love and comfort or achieve greatness (Like Shakespearean greatness, not just a flavor of the week) and wealth, but could never experience both, what choice would you make?
I would choose love and comfort.

25. Are we alone in the universe, or is there something we missed?
We didn't miss it. It hasn't come yet. But we are not alone. The truth is out... to lunch.

26. What is the best thing to do in a black out?
Read or sleep. XD

27. Say something that someone doesnt want to hear but needs to. (You dont have to say who the person is)
You need to change to be a little more like me. (We're polar opposites.)

28. What is the worst thing you ever said to someone?
"I hate you." (Said to my mother. Several times.)

29. What is the nicest thing you ever said to someone?
I don't know... Oo

30. What do you wish someone was saying to you right now?
"I do."

Current mood: sick

January 22nd, 2006 | 1:28pm

- Ugh.

I'm sorry to anyone who actually reads this. I've been really caught up in the other livejournal I have... My role-play. It's just so much more fun. And nothing's been happening. I went to Disney World. I'm going to the mall to-day. With my eleven dollars. XDDD (I'll ask Karen to pay me for my report card grades like she said she would. Then I might be able to get shoes. Or books.)

Current mood: rushed