The season started? CRAP!

I happened across this email in my inbox over the weekend:

Hey idiot. Did you know the Nats have played 8 games already? Where's your postings?

Ah, it's awesome to know that people care about me. Even if it's someone with a tad worse grammar than me. (Or is it than I? SHIT!) Anyway, kudos to you, fine reader. It is with your email's boot to my ass that I finally write about the start of the Nats season.

Where to begin, though? Well... how about the fact that there is no natural lead-off hitter on the squad, and that outfielders aged 31, 32, and FORTY-FUCKING-THREE beat out Roger Bernadina for a roster spot? Poor Bernie. Now he's shoulder to shoulder with the rebels at Echo Base on Hoth. (I want everyone to know that I had to Wikipedia "Hoth"for the name of the rebel base at which they are fighting in the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back. I'm a dork, yes, but not THAT big of a dork. No offense to you dorks that did know that, though. Heck, you're probably much richer than me due to your mint condition, still in original packaging Star Wars figures. Well played.) Poor kid. He seems to be doing a good job staying out of the line of fire, though. He sent me a postcard that arrived Saturday, actually. He looks to be alive, and... well... rather lightly clothed for A SNOW AND ICE PLANET Syracuse.

So, yeah... it would have been nice for Mike Rizzo to have a backup plan before dumping Nyjer Morgan. I'm hoping that Ankiel plays well enough to garner some trade attention, and gets dealt while either Bernie or Corey Brown come up by mid-season. Those of you with your lips close to Mike Rizzo's ear, let him know my thoughts won't ya? Thanks!

But, for now, we're stuck with Rick Ankiel playing CF. He's not that bad, but he's not that good, either. And dude is waaaaaaay too nice. See, he had a double robbed from him by a diving catch by Chris Coughlan Couglan Coghlan earlier in the week, saw the picture of it in the paper down there:

And actually sent him a nice little note the next day. I imagine he wanted to write something like, "Lot's of love! Good catch, dude! Smooches! Love, Ank" on it, but was bullied by known meanie Ryan Zimmerman into writing, "Thanks, buddy. Nice Hollywood dive, Love, Ank." You know what would have happened in 2009 if Coughlan Couglan Coghlan had robbed one of our outfielders like that? He would've had this in his locker the next day:

(Hey-Oh! See what I did there? I referenced a player that's been gone since March, 2010, and an incident that happened in 2007. I'm so God damned timely!)

Speaking of Zim, the poor dude hurt his tummy sliding the other day, and is going to be out for a few days. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Jokes on us, folks. This team has a history of broken people (see those tags on the right side of this page? You don't? Well, while I agree that my page layout appears to have been done by a six-year-old, I assure you, tags are there. Oh, you found it... good. See what the most often used tag is? It's "broken people." What? It's not? "Suicide" is the top one? Well, where is "broken people?" Oh, second? Very well. I stand corrected.) and I'd be shocked if Zim didn't end up on the 15 day DL.

So, those are the glaring bad things that I'm staring at. Michael Morse? Meh, I think he'll rebound. The bullpen outside of Clippard, Storen, and Burnett? Okay, that's bad, but it looks like Henry Rodriguez is on the way back, and hopefully Bally Star will be brought up, as well. But you know what the absolute WORST thing about our bullpen is? I can't walk down the stairs on weekend mornings, give a big stretch and a yawn, and say, "Boy, I need to get some coffee in me, stat!" anymore. Screw you, chubby reliever dude with a name that sounds like, but is not spelled like "coffee," thereby making my wife snicker because it sounds like I want to have sex with you.

Good things so far? ZNN, the three bullpen fellas listed above, Wilson Ramos' RHINOness, Danny Espinosa's awesomeness, Desmond's starting to hitness, and Charlie Sheen. Without all off them, I'd be drinking drain cleaner. But, thanks to them, we are in a tie for third in the NL East, and my kid not only has shoes on her feet, but socks to wear under said shoes. (Socks - they're like lube for shoes, you know!)


Now, may the good things continue to be good, and the bad things disappear like Chuck Sheen. Or like Chase Utley's knee. Or like Lastings Milledge's spot on the 25 man roster. Or like Philly fans' desire to not shower, not wash their clothes, and curse, assault, vomit upon, and murder people. Shit, who are we kidding? We probably have a better chance of Laynce Nix hitting 65 HR than those stinky abusive troglodytes changing their ways. But anything is possible I suppose. I mean... Felipe Lopez is actually on a Major League roster. What's next? Austin Kearns wins an MVP?

(Unfortunately, I don't think any Nats fans are laughing at that last one. Our luck tends to trend towards the bad side. Kearnsie may just hit .355/.425/.750 this year. Sigh....)

Zimmerman and Dukes are jive turkeys.

So, I'm watching Ryan Zimmerman hit his 31st HR (and break up a no hitter) the other night, and I happen to notice him celebrating after he reaches the plate. (I do this a lot now, for some reason. Maybe the celebrations are the best part of the game? I mean... I've seen 100 losses. Maybe my brain just focuses on the good shit?)

He high fives (somebody) and then does a weird finger slappy dappy thingamajiggy with Elijah Dukes. I wish I could show you gus what I'm talking about. Shoot. Oh, wait! I made a video. So, without further ado, I present... "Lijah and Ry'n: Brothers from other mothers."

Zim and DOOKS!, separated at birth? from Section 138 on Vimeo.

When you think about it, though, it's not that hard to believe that Ryan Zimmerman and Elijah Dukes have their own hand pound. Sure, Ryan seems like plain vanilla on radio, film, and photo, as well as in real life, but he wasn't always that way, and he may just be busting his soul out again. See, way back in the late 70s, early 80s, Ryan was very tight with Richard Prior. They were Ebony and Ivory before McCartney and Wonder. Heck, they were Salt and Pepper before Salt-n-Pepa. Pryor and Zimmerman did a couple films together, and were pretty damn famous. Ryan eventually got tired of the limelight, however, and moved to the Tidewater,VA area as a 32 year old back in 1987. One night, after being humiliated attempting to impress a younger lady at a carnival, Ryan went to a wish/fortune-telling machine, called Zoltar Speaks and wished he was young again. He woke up the next day as a three year old, and began his life as we know it today.

Most people don't have the faintest idea that this is, in fact, true, though. Even those that have watched the Pryor and Zimmerman movies swear it's Pryor and Gene Wilder, not Ryan Zimmerman. While it is true that Wilder replaced Zimmerman in the later Pryor films such as "See no Evil, Hear no Evil", Ryan was the man in the first few films. And sure enough, every time I point this out to someone, and they watch one of Zim's films with Pryor, it clicks. In fact, here's a clip from their 1980 smash hit "Stir Crazy."

I rest my case, your honor. If it pleases the court, I would like you to rule for the plaintiff, me, in the amount of $150 MM.

(Here's the "Stir Crazy" clip from youtube, by the way.)

Washington Nationals do not lose.

Soooo much to write about. Soooo little time.

I'm trying to knock this post out before my boss sends me another email. We'll see how that goes.

My views from last night's not loss:

• I crushed a six-pack of Reese's peanut butter eggs in two innings. Them fuckers be delicious.
• Adam Dunn is so reliable, watches ask him for the time. (Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all the week. Tip your waitresses.)
  
• Shy Young could seriously do some damage if his three pitches can all be thrown for strikes. He can't bunt for shit, however.
• Zippie chance DOOKS! was taking on that 3-0 pitch. Before Dibble (Who I actually like!) and Carpy (Who I still hate!) had their green light conversation, I beat them to it. I'm in my living room, and I jump up and scream as loud as I can, in my best Bill Alfonso voice, "Green Light Daddy-O!" The man beast swung, and that shit was crushed.
• I think I'm gonna like Joe Beimel. Sure, he might look...um...different (is caveman-like too harsh to say?), but he just made the Phillies look silly in the 8th. The set-up job is his.
• If we just get some consistent pitching, we could be okay. Right now, we rank 5th in the NL with an average of 5.25 runs scored/game. We're dead last in runs allowed per game, however with 7. I'm telling you, this offense can score more times than Mickey Rooney had wives. (He was married 8 times. Seriously. Mickey fucking Rooney. This little guy.)

I know I promised an update last night, but I was so damn excited that I ran to downtown Rockville to celebrate with the other three fans. We were hooting and hollering, and then it turned into a riot donnybrook pathetic display.
We got all boisterous and flipped over a cop car motorcycle moped. Then we stared lighting huge bonfires sparklers. Fucking good times. I didn't make it home until 10:15, so I was dog tired.

Uh-oh, just got an email from the dictator. I'll talk to you deliriously happy folks later.

Yeeeeeeeee Hawwwwwwww

Opening Day, Bitches!

Eyebrows is on the bumb vs. Tobasco and the Marlins.

Johnny boy's gonna hook the Fish, haul 'em in the boat, and give them to Dmitri Young Ray King Adam Dunn to eat. (It's pretty amazing that he's considered the fat body on the squad, no?)

Anyway, to recycle from last year's Nolasco post (cause I'm TOO GOD DAMN BUSY AT MY SLAVE JOB!):

Lannan for the good guys, against stinky ol' Ricky Tabasco for the Marlins. Ricky is from Corona, CA, and is sporting a wickedly hairy chin, and a nasty snarl.


Ain't he a tough looking one? Cheer up, Ricky. You're from Corona, CA. Home of The Golden Cheese Company of California, one of the largest cheese factories in the world!

(And I'd be remiss if I didn't say this... Really, guys? Kearns in right over DOOKS!? Ya'll are gonna get a text message from a certain guy whose name rhymes with Smoliga Fooks. God. Dammit.)

Nats beat Mario and Luigi.

So, the Nats won their exhibition today with the Italian WBC team. Before you get too exited, I did some research half-assed web searching and it appears only around five of their guys have decent Major League experience. Also, the Nats bullpen blew a 6-0 lead. But, there were a couple good things. Eyebrows went 3 IP giving up 0 runs, 1 hit and 1 BB. After him, Martis threw 3 IP with 0 runs, 2 hit, 1 BB, and 2 K. The boxscore also tells me Zimm and DOOKS! had a triple each, with Milledge, Wil the Thril, Javier Valentin and Alex Cintron also joining in the extra base hit parade. DOOKS! hit a solo homerun, but his boy, and student, Roger Bernadina had the biggest hit of the game with a 3 run walk-off homer in the bottom of the 9th. Elijah has apparently taken Roger under his wing, and gifted him the power that can only come from a human that sweats as much as Dukes.

After practice, both Dukes and Bernadina went into the locker room with Dukes giving Bernadina tips. The session lasted about 10 minutes. There was Dukes holding the bat and demonstrating how to hold the bat from both sides of the plate. Dukes also was telling Bernadina how to get more power to his swing.

Good job, fellas. Go buy yourselves an ice cream cone on me. Na, screw it, upgrade to a twisty cone.

So, you see, it was a pretty good day for the Nats today. All is well............SHIT. Are you kidding me? Seriously? GOD! DAMMIT!



It appears Nick Johnson was hit by a pitch. Who had March 3rd as Slick's last game played for the season? You can pick up your prize at coat check.

SIGH

Passionate duel to take place at Nats Park in July

July 11th is the date. Nationals Park is the place. For what? Well...for the jamminest piano jamming this side of...Heaven!

Elton John and Billy Joel, two of the most popular performers in pop history, are returning to Washington, D.C. In what will be the first concert in Nationals Park history, the dynamic piano-playing duo will perform on July 11 at 7:30 p.m. ET.

Sweeeet! I love me some knighted Englishmen and singers who marry chicks 32 years younger than themselves. (Although, to be honest, the fact that Joel chose swallowing furniture polish as his way to go out was pretty damn cool. Even if it didn't work.)
I'm sorry to say I won't be attending this (sure to be) fantastic (epic, even?) show. I like my trips to Nats Park to showcase less....Elton John. Oh, and less piano. This partnership even confounds the un-confoundable DOOKS!

JimBo Done a Dunn Deal. Nationals sign Adam Dunn!

It was either that or Dunn a Done Deal. They both suck, but who cares, right? We got Adam Troy Dunn. 6'6" of pure twisted steel and dynamite. Saints be praised!
My man Chico got the scoop. Props to him, as some had been hating on him for getting beat by other writers to stories. Bill Ladson was probably breaking a Kit-Kat while Chico was breaking this deal. Just kidding, Bill. Love you!

The Washington Nationals have agreed to a preliminary deal with free agent Adam Dunn, a signing that would fulfill their offseason-long search for a left-handed power hitter. Two independent sources have told the Post that Dunn will sign a two-year deal, possibly announced as early as tomorrow.

No word on the dollar amount yet, but I'll have to assume it falls between the $5MM (+ incentives) that Abreu signed, and the $14MM Dunn was asking for. Plus, there's that whole "Come play for the Washington Nationals" fee we had to pay. My guess? 2 years $24MM. Plus free Ben's Chili Bowl, or Red Hot and Blue... whatever the big man wants.
Update: Chico's saying it's two years $20MM. Seriously? We just signed Adam Dunn for the cost of Milton Bradley? JimBo, you scally-wag you!

So, who's the odd man out? I wrote back in early January that it appeared to me the Nats were trying to squeeze Milledge outta town. If Dunn DOES play LF, then I'm assuming it's DOOKS! in CF, and Willingham/Kearns in right. This kinda depends on Nick Johnson being healthy all spring, which is kinda like hoping Ray King could shop anywhere besides a big and tall store. (He may be gone, and thank Jesus for that, but I'll always hate that man.)
Or...say Nick the Stick does have a great spring. His trade value would be high, and since he's more fragile than Barbaro, it would be the best time of the whole year to trade him. Get some nice prospects outta the deal, and we cool. He is making $5.5MM this year, and no way that gets sat on the bench. (Which brings about another argument about Kearnsie, which I choose not to get into now.) Oakland was rumored to be interested in him, and a good spring could push the deal.

This is really getting me pumped for Spring Training. Well, this and Mother Nature getting drunk lately, and handing over reign of the DC area weather to her 3 year old kid. For Christ's sake, lady..it's February! Is a little snow, and highs in the 30s too hard for you to understand? You trying to keep us on our toes with a few days in the 70s every now and then? Screw you. My sweater vests are in rotation now... and you shouldn't fuck with the rotation. Blastings would agree, I think.

So, folks. Strap yourselves in, cause this could be one hell of a ride. Dunn is bringing his career average's with him, and while some are good (.247/.381/.518; 29 2B; 40HR; 96RBI; 130OPS+) some might cause some bumps in the road (.247; 180 SO). But who the hell cares, I say! We just got us someone nicknamed the BIG frickin DONKEY!

Dukes to Battle Milledge for Nationals CF spot. Seriously?

From the mouth of Ladson.

According to baseball sources, the Nationals have decided to let Elijah Dukes and Lasting[sic] Milledge compete for the center field job.

I don't even know where to begin here (besides the obvious Bill Ladson Lastings misspelling), and I've been thinking about this for 13 hours. Seriously? Really? Here is what we DO know:

• Dukes is more machine than man, demonstrated by his right arm acting more like a frickin howitzer than flesh and bone.
• Milledge was battling it out with LoDuca last year for worst arm on the squad.

Erm, 'scuse me for pointing out the obvious here, but it seems to me that if Milledge comes up losing that CF gig to Dukes, it's safe to say he won't be playing RF. Don't forget, we still have Kearnsie (for now), whose defense it much much much better than LMillz's.
More of what we do know (with a very small sample size, granted):

• Dukes 162 game avg: .235/.359/.443; OPS+ 110; 28HR; 79RBI
  
• Milledge 162 game avg: .263/.329/.407; OPS+ 91; 16HR; 72RBI

That Dukes avg includes a pretty miserable 07 for the Rays, as well. Looking at those lines, which guy is more suited for a corner OF spot? Nah, you don't even need a hint, do you? Again, if Millz looses out to Dukes for the CF spot, what position does he go to?

Two things immediately pop to my mind (Well, three, but you guys aren't interested in how much I could go for a brown sugar & cinnamon Pop-Tart right now). One, it doesn't seem like the Nats have Milledge in their mix for the 09 season. Two, it doesn't seem like the Nats have Milledge in their mix for the 09 season. They couldn't justify him playing RF; They signed Willingham to play LF; They're still looking at Dunn for 1B; They still have WMP and Kearns and Harris.

Look, I'll admit Milledge didn't play the best CF in the world last year. I do contend, however, that he made tremendous strides out there. His defense at the end of the year was waaaaay better than his defense to start the year. He used to track fly balls by guessing where it might land, and make the biggest circle possible to get to said landing point. At the end? He would guess where it might land and make a neat little... arc. But, hey, it's progress, right? Also, let's also not forget, folks...Millz did take out Utley on that double play ball.

My point is this... let both of them fucking play, for Christ's sake! Dukes probably has the biggest upside right now of any Nat, but gosh-darnit, Milledge ain't no Nook Logan. PLAY THE KIDS! Now, this point becomes moot if Millz outplays DOOKS! for the CF spot, but I wouldn't go bet the house on that. An outfield of Willingham/Milledge/Dukes intrigues the shit outta me. Let's give it a go, Jimmy Bo. Finally, more of what we do know:

Mighty Mets are Mighty Awful. Lannan Shuts 'em down.

I am sooooo slammed at work, that I really don't have time to write too much stuff myself. Kudos to Lannan/DOOKS!/Hernandez, etc., but eyebrows gets the awesome dude of the day award, for sure. Enjoy, Johnny!

As for the rest of this post, Let me take a gander around the Mets blogoverse, and see what those wonderfully wonderful Mets faithful are saying:

"This team needs to go out and take it to pitchers like Lannan." (metsblog.com)

"Can someone explain to me why Schneider called for Duaner to throw 37 outside pitches in a row?" (metsblog.com) [That was pretty damn funny, actually]

"John “Fukkin” Lannan should never 1-hit a team through 7 innings. It just shouldn’t happen. Ever." (metsblog.com)

"I am sorry 1 hit off of John Lannan is absolutely 1000% inexcusable. The guy barely throws the ball in the strike zone yet these idiots were flailing at pitches in the dirt all night." (metsblog.com)

"One-hit through seven innings by John Lannan. Are you kidding me? John. Lannan." (source)

"I swear when I saw Elijah Dukes' home run flying toward the left field stands at Nationals Park, I decided we aren't winning this thing." (source)

"Lannan looked like he was inhabited by the spirit of Nolan Ryan last night. Why can't the Mets hit off of lifelong horrible pitchers?......Back to Pedro. The hall of famer gives up a crucial 2-run single to the worst hitter on the worst team in all of baseball who just happens to ex-Met, Anderson Hernandez." (metslifers.blogspot.com)

" I want to be a loyal Met soldier in General Manuel’s army but watching them get abused by the crappy Nats really makes it hard......Sorry but a 7-2 loss to the Nationals down the stretch is downright embarrassing." (brooklynmetfan.com)

"pedro enough is enough..take your mid 80’s fastball and go pitch in the LLWS.. probably wouldn’t even make the taiwanese squad.. ffffffffffffffffffffffffff you milledge you pos"(brooklynmetfan.com)

"Lock up the liquor cabinets and close the church gate, here come the Nationals. The only thing bigger than their suckiness is their attitude and you know they want to sweep the Mets. [Posted Monday, and followed up today with:] "what no comment on last night's DEVASTATING loss to the LAST PLACE Nationals? WTF you may think. No, I shan't discuss that." [Too bad, I would've liked to see this persons forehead explode] (itsmetsforme.blogspot.com)

And finally, It wouldn't be a New York post without an extremely intelligent post about their biggest enemy:
"shouldnt elijah dukes be arrested by now.." (metsblog.com) [actually, that sounds like quite a few posters over on Chico's WAPO blog...]

Elijah Dukes could kill you. But won't.

I am a huge Elijah Dukes fan. HUGE. It wasn't always that way, though. When I heard the Nationals traded for him I was a little apprehensive. After all, I had heard all the horror stories from the media. How this guy was a less than decent human being. Detestable. Threatened to kill his wife. All that.
But then he got here. He got here, and played hard from the word go. I dug his hustle. I dug his bat. I dug his arm. The huge turning point was the video below.

After I saw that, I dug him as a cool guy. Who the fuck couldn't at that point? He had been a model player, and he hadn't hurt/maimed/killed anyone. Plus, he broke out, "That, my friend, is very broke." I use that shit in my everyday conversations now. I also try and break out, "My ass was poking out a bit", but most people I say it to misinterpret it, and it takes forever to explain, so it's not tossed out as often as it should be.
The point of my above ramblings? DOOKS! was the shit last night, nothing less. Here's a brief rundown of what happened in his at-bats last night:

• 2nd inning; Solo home run. Did he run around the bases as fast as he could have? No. Did he admire his shit like Manny Ramirez? No. Did he come within 850% of being like Francisco Rodriguez after a save? Hell. No. (That's a whole nother column, for a whole nother time.)
• 4th inning; After an inside pitch from the starting pitcher just missed hitting him (payback for the slow home run trot? Maybe.), Dukes took a few steps toward the pitcher. He mouthed some words ("Bring it on" was quoted from the pitcher), and got restrained by Manny Acta. The umpire issued warnings to both dugouts. What happened after the brief stare-down, and play resumed? A double to left field. You know what else happened? Dukes seemed to ignite the squad. There was a little energy now. What else happened? Pelfrey (the starting pitcher) was no longer pitching inside (Ron Darling, the Mets announcer said as much) to the Nationals. Dukes got in his head, and took away one of the pitchers biggest weapons, the inside part of the plate. That's the kind of guy I want on my squad, dammit! When he was driven home later in the inning, he was walking to the dugout and started hearing some of the extremely intelligent Met's faithful giving him some shit. And by shit, I don't mean the rundown of the latest Booker Prize nominees. What does Dukes do? Pulls out the ol' Degeneration X move. He yells, "I got two words for you" and grabs his crotch toward the NY fans. I love this fucking kid!
• 5th inning; Dukes is plunked by Pelfrey in the bicep. Does DOOKS! go bat-shit crazy, charging the mound and killing Pelfrey? Fuck no. He takes first base, because he's smart enough to know that a) it was just a pitch that got away from Pelfrey. And b) it was continuing a two out rally. A two out rally that ended up getting the Nationals two more runs. Cool as a fucking cucumber.
• 7th inning; A line drive out to David Wright. Nothing to see here, folks.
• 9th inning; Grounds out to second base. As he trots into the dugout, some stock tips from the Mutts fans:

That guy in the white shirt scares the shit out of me. Look at those guns! Does he have a permit to carry those weapons around? Jesus, what a douche.

So, what does our manly man of a right fielder do? Just taunts 'em right back.

You can see the video of it starting at around the 3:15 mark here, if you would like.

Here's the thing that I wanted to convey with that mess I wrote above:
I want that swagger on my team! I want my team to think they're hot shit! I want this emotion. Most of all, I want Elijah Dukes on my fucking squad. Period.

Marco Estrada, welcome to the Nats bullpen.

Yikes. I can't seem to find a lot of time these days to write about the Crimson Gods that are Le' Nationals. That's too fucking bad, too, cause they've won seven (7!) in a row. That, my friends, is the hottest team in baseball right now. The whipper snappers are on a roll, that's for sure. Even old man Boone, Gooz, and Wee Willy Harris are getting in on the action. Zim, DOOKS!, Gangsta Millz, and Jesus are rolling. Throw in the slap hitting Bonie or Hernandez, and gimmie Bellie at first and I'm a happy man. Good times, people! GOOD. TIMES.

BREAKING NEWS
Cristian Guzman was just named the NL player of the week. Yay!

And now, since I'm copping out on writing anything, here is a photo essay from Saturday night. Welcome to the Nats bullpen, Marco Estrada!

Saul Rivera has become the leader in the pen. He's getting all the boys together to induct Marco into the bullpen. Only people missing are Shell (who is coming), and Colome' (Who, apparently, doesn't do this sort of thing. Dudley Doo-Right!).


There's everyone, now. Clockwise from the bald Charlie Manning: Manning, Saul, Shellie, Marco, Hammerhands, Garrett Mock. See Shell holding the cup of water in his hands? (That's called foreshadowing, fellow writers. Use the talents Shakespeare gave us wisely.)


"Assume the position!" Marco cops a squat so he can be slapped in the forehead/head area by Saul. Leaders LEAD, that's why they're called leaders.


"Thank you, sir, may I have another?" Saul let him off lightly. He's a softy, really.


Yup, I suck. I missed the water shot. Shell had hid the cup of water from Marco while Marco was getting hit, and splashed him in the face with it. BURN! Well, 'cept it's water, so it doesn't burn....


Have a towel, kid. Wipe yourself off. That water was cold! And it's deep, too!


Mock gets his turn. He had this ceremony earlier when he came up. Rauch laid him out.


Charlie gets his licks in. I think he said, "Nice fucking hair, asshole!" As he hit him. (I feel for Charlie, and was right there with him. Speaking of hair, Shell said he liked his new haircut.)


Hammerhands swings.....


...and closes the show. Cause...that's what closers do!


Marco was the only member of the pen that didn't get Mock in one of his previous call-ups, so he gets his here. You can get a good shot at Saul's mesmerizing hair here (that's him on the lower left.). It's not brown, and it's not red. It's....Orange?


This is DOOKS! commanding the white man to serve him. It was during a pitching change, and he came over and yelled, "HEY! Gimmie some Gatorade and shit! And dip my doo-rag in some water, bitch! DOOKS ANGRY! DOOKS SMASH!" Hammerhands and Manning obliged.

Eyebrows is on the bump tonight, looking to make it 8 in a row. I have all the faith in the world in that crafty lefty. Fuck the Phillies by winning tonight, and sweeping tomorrow.

Quotes to address

The game last night was rained out. Instead, we get a double header today, yay! Bergie's throwing at 3:05, and Rental will toss the second game, approx. 6:35. But enough about that, time to move on and comment on two quotes that popped up in the past few days.
First, is from our favorite non-hustling, pouting, cancerous second baseman himself, Mr. FLop. He (somehow) got signed by the St. Louis Cardinals. (Suckers.) The St. Louis Blogosphere is not happy about it, either. One quote:

Bottom line, Felipe Lopez is a bad ballplayer. He offers no real upgrade to this team, and significantly hurts them in at least one facet of the game. I suppose it didn't take any talent to acquire him, though, so there's that, right? Eh. This move still gets a big, solid whatever from me.

I digress, however, for this was not the quote I want to pick apart. Nay, the quote I am using is from the man boy himself, Mr. Felipe (No middle name? Commie bastard!) Lopez:

About coming from St. Louis to Washington:

"It's like night and day. You go from somewhere that's dead last and the energy is not there. You come here and as soon as I walked in I felt that energy. That inspires you, that motivates you to play well. ... [ed: The five fucking million dollars you were being paid wasn't enough to motivate you? Jesus Flores Christ, son!] They were trying to develop young players. I was not in their plans for the future. [You know what you could have done? Try helping the kids out, like you said Barry Larkin did for you, you selfish prick]"

On not hitting:

"Like I said, the motivation - just being dead last, I guess. [Yeah, I'd pack it up, too. I mean, what the hell, the team threw $5MM at you, but they only expected you to produce if the team was winning, right?] Like going out there knowing you're probably going to lose isn't motivating. [How about setting an example for the kids on the team, the kids at the ballpark, and the kids at home by, I dunno, RUNNING OUT A FUCKING GROUND BALL?!? Oh, I forgot, if you're in last place, you couldn't be bothered. Dick fuck!]That's tough. That's tough, for me."

You know, I sure as hell hope St. Louis doesn't go into a skid, because it's apparent from Felipe's comments that he couldn't give two shits about playing hard if the team isn't winning. I wasn't there, but I'm fucking positive there was a huge sigh of relief in the clubhouse when this piece of garbage was booted. Good-God Damn-Riddance.

The other quote is from Manny Elias Acta (See, people with middle names are good.) talking about the status of Alberto Gonzalez and his broken bum:

Alberto Gonzalez (left glut): Won't be placed on the DL. Will still need a few more days of rest. "He's getting better, getting treatment," Acta said. "We're not anticipating it to be a long-term type of thing."

I'm calling shenanigans! How many other times have we heard that someone is day-to-day, or just needs some rest, only to have them go on the DL, or even be out for the season? I think it's around 743 times, gad damns it! For the latest, I give you Manny Acta, again, on Monday (the 4th...three days ago):

Q: Elijah, any update?

Elijah (calf) probably needs one more day.

Well, there you have it. I'm sure him being placed on the DL today was an accident by the front office, cause he's ready to go as of yesterday!

Post Flop, LoDu era begins...

After last night's game (which I ain't talking about. Why write about shit? Your writings may be good, but it still about shit.) Jimmy Bowden took the mic and made some announcement:

1. Felipe Lopez is being released. The Nats eat what's left of his $4.9MM for this year.
2. Paul LoDuca is being released. The Nats eat what's left of his $5MM for this year.
3. Elijah Dukes was recalled from his rehab assignment for his knee injury (which is worth talking about. When he twisted his shit, he was placed on the DL and we were told he would be out a minimum of 4-6 weeks. This was July 5th. Chico interviewed DOOKS! on the 6th, and Elijah had this to say:

   Q:Is it going to be hard to not push yourself too hard to come back, knowing how much you want to play?A: Oh, it ain't no question I'm going to push myself hard to come back. That's just the way I am. I don't like to sit around and do nothing. If I can do something to get back faster, I'm going to do it. I don't plan on taking as long as I can. I plan on taking as quick as I can." Say what you want about Elijah, the guy's a very fast healer, and loves to play baseball. Small man crush coming on for him.)

4. Emiliooooooooo is being called up.
5. Alberto Gonzalez (who was acquired from the New York Hankees yesterday at a trade deadline deal for some scrub AA pitcher) will be on the active roster, and be in the hizzie Friday, today.

OK, 2 bags of sand gone, 2 rookies coming up, and one MEAST (The Doctor, can we call him that?) re-joining the team. Looks like we need to lose one more from the roster. (I just heard Pete Orr making a phone call to his travel agent asking if he can get a plane ticket to Beijing. Coincidence?) I sure as fuck hope that spot isn't opened up because we have to put Goozie or ZIM! on the DL! (Zim got hit on the hand by a pitch last night and had to leave the game. X-Rays were negative. Goozie's been day to day on a bad thumb that was also hit by a pitch.)
With that said, I thought I'd take a shot at Friday's lineup. Check this junx out, and HOLLA AT YA BOI in the comments with ideas/corrections.

1. Emilio 2B
2. Milledge CF
3. Dukes LF
4. Kearns RF
5. Flores C
6. Gonzalez SS
7. Belliard 1B
   
8. Casto 3B
   

What say you, lurkers?

Cover these fuckers in bubble wrap

This is getting ridiculous. I think them saying DOOKS will be out for 4-6 weeks is optimistic. Might be 2 months. Might be the year. I mean, all that's left is for someone to be euthanized during a game. At this point, do we refuse to trade Flop and Capt. Redd because we need them as injury insurance?


EDIT: Fuckers. I have Chico on there twice. Well..I meant to do that! Yeah! Chico's soooooo good, his injury is twice as devastating to the team!

Wondering kitty wanted to publicly wonder again...

Washington wins another walk-off

The hero of last nights game? Not Jesus (I love you, dude, but you were 0-4 with 3 K's before your walk-off single), but Elijah mother f'ing DOOKS! He had a huge, huge game last night. 2-3 with 2 BB's and a laser beam to home to get Garreett Anderson. While watching this clip, please take note of Bob Carpenter's mouth getting ahead of the play, again. Seriously, Bob, just call what you can see. Shit ain't that hard.

Also of note: Luis going with the Jacoby Ellsbury look.
Very interesting. I know Colome likes it warm (he was wearing a freaking hoody the whole game last night. It was 85 degrees at first pitch!) but apparently Luis does too.

Enjoy the off day, folks. Blowrioles come rolling in tomorrow night for a 3 game set. I'm already cringing thinking about listening to those awful accents and hearing them butcher the National Anthem. Ugh.

Oh, here you go, Dooksie!

This is it.

Rock bottom. That's where I think we are. Especially with the latest news about The Franchise (with all due respect to Shane Douglas). That's right folks. Zim is out a minimum of 4-6 weeks, and it could be for the year. I told my cat, Natty, the news last night after the game. His response is documented below.


He was commenting on not only the Zim injury news, but also the pathetic and inconsistent offense. He also wonders why no starter besides Lannan can seem to throw more than 5 innings. Why have the bullpen guys that were so reliable in the past seemed so brutally ineffective? (Natty kitty's looking at you Saul and Luis!) He also can't stand Hanrahan's inability to throw strikes. I dunno, ya know? To pitch in this level don't you kinda, sorta, have to be around the God damn plate!? When Colome is thought of as being one of the better success stories outta the pen, you know your fucked. Props to Rauch, however. He's been all right filling in for Cordero.
Will it get any better? Shit, how long till Guzman goes to the DL? The injuries, offensive ineptitude, and pitching woes are driving me to tie a plastic bag around my head. The only things keeping me from self inflicted death at this point are Flores, Dukes, Milledge, Guzman, and Lannan. Four 23 year olds and a 29 year old that is by far our best player this year. Will he get re-signed? It'll be interesting to see. I'm also peeking into the farm system, and we will get some more looks at younger starting pitching as the season stretches into September.
How can I sum it all up?
Fuck. Me. Let me know when this team can do anything consistently, besides sucking. I still love everyone that puts on the uniform and goes out there to play. I'll still watch every game that I can, and I'll be at the park another 14 times at a minimum. I just can't have any hope of the offense coming from behind, nor the pitching staff keeping the other team from scoring early.

Tale of the Tape

I'm aware of the chance that Elijah might not play tonight. I just choose to ignore it. Instead, I wondered how Elijah would measure up against the starting pitcher for tonight, Ian Smell Snail Oquendo Snell, in the off chance the guys has the balls to plunk Elijah.
Ian's shortcomings are well documented, so I won't rehash those. Instead, let's take a look at who might win the battle massacre.

First fighter up is Elijah Dukes.

Height: 6'2'
Weight: 240 lbs.
Born and raised: the ghettos of Tampa Bay, FL.
Chokings: At least 1
Death Threats: At least 1
Arrested for battery: Twice
Positives: Can bench press 350 lbs. Can send picture messages, which takes skill, and a phone not called the iPhone. Calls people "dawg".
Negatives: Seriously? Someone else insult him, thank you very much.

His opponent is Ian Snell.
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 170 lbs.
Born and raised: Dover/Camden, DE.
Run-ins with law enforcement: Was cited for sporting that God awful soul patch/missed shaving spot on his chin.
Choked: Way too many games to count.
Death threats: None to others, but many made to him for his comment about "never be[ing] caught dead living in Pittsburgh."

Positives: Was Delaware athlete of the year for 2006. I'll be honest, I can't think of any.
Negatives: Was Delaware athlete of the year for 2006. Has been seen wrestling with young white girls when he's married. (Actually not sure if is still married, just to be fair.) Also, is not the best in bed, or so I've heard.



So, to steal my friends quote (for the second time)... anyone care to mention odds on Snell leaving in a body bag?

Finally, let's not forget that we have Johnny Lannans throwing for us tonight, and the lineup seems to like Pittsburgh. Here comes step 2 in the three step sweep plan.

Manny vs. Elijah = Sad face =(

Manny Acta and Elijah dukes went face to face in the dugout last night. Clickie here for the video.

Manny said that it's been buried, per the Washington Times (Sorry Chico Harlan, I'd love to pimp your paper, but there ain't a peep uttered about it).

"It was just a little misunderstanding in the dugout that I'm not going to elaborate on," Acta said. "We talked, and everything is fine."

I'm not sure what it was about, exactly. Dukes doubled with two outs in the top of the 9th, Nats down one. Milledge was looking dead fastball, got it, and sent it out to give the Nats a 7-6 lead. When the two kids got to the plate, there was some hand jiving going down. I think Milledge forced the hand slapping, though, as Dukes looked reluctant. Zuckerman at the Times thinks it has to do with Dukes looking at Capps (The P-Rat that can't contain the Nationals in closing situations) as they walk towards the dugout after the hand slapping be done. Indeed, Dukes does seem to look in his direction and tip his helmet by it's visor, but I think I may be over analyzing. This thing is being looked at like it's the fucking Zapruder film.
The video doesn't show the post game fist bopping, but Dukes did put on his best 8 year old impression. He was high fiving all his teammates, but when Acta's turn came he simply dropped his arm. He put it back up for St. Claire, though, so they're still homies and might of grabbed some 40's at a club later that night. I will say this for Dukes...that was fucking little league behavior.
The worst part about this whole thing? It takes away from the 5 HR performance by the Nats. Ronnie BELLY! comes back from the DL (where he went 0-12 on rehab assignments in Single A and Double AA) to hit two, Jesus keeps hitting like Jesus with his homer, Dmitri added one, and then Milledge's go ahead. Pity, cause it was rather exciting.
I'm not sure what's gonna happen tonight. Does Dukes get benched? If he doesn't, does Ian Snail plunk him? Jesus, I hope he doesn't. Dukes would end up in jail, and Snail would end up on a stretcher slab in the morgue.

BOOM, bitches!

Elijah DOOKS would like to conquer your town. You'd better let him.


Check out this line from last night: 4 for 6. 2 singles, a triple, and the game winning, walk off homerun. He was also in SportsCenter's top 10 plays twice, once as number 8 for a great defensive play, and number 1 for the walk off. It might of been was the hardest hit ball by a Nat this year. This kid can fucking RAKE. Chance of me doing the chest slap that DOOKS! did after he hit it (as can be seen in the video here) after I complete a report here at work? 185%

BLARGH!

Oh, wait. We don't. I may not be cut out for this whole rebuilding thingie. I need to see some success and development from more than just Jesus. (JESUS!) Dooks had a lil' better game yesterday, but he's still looks incompetent at the dish. Millidge is really shaping up to be a terrible defensive center fielder. WMP? BAH!