How do I build the courage to ask you the questions I want to ask.

And why does it feel weird asking you for help.

All I can think about is how selfish you are, you had all the time in the world to prepare but didn't care to. You're throwing your life away while I'm trying to build mine. If you knew you didn't want this why did you build this. Why did you start this. Expensive gifts, huge allowances, false plans, they don't work anymore because I've grown up and I see you for who you actually are now. 

When people ask me why I don't want to start my own family, get married or have kids my mind darts to you and I instantly answer "I don't care for it" because one thing I've learnt from you is how to stay away from things I cannot nurture or maintain, how to stay away from things I know deep down I don't care about. That's what I wish you done. What's worse is that there's still time to fix this but I know you just don't care. 

I wish you cared.

The only way I can start my life is by letting go, but I can't do that when you hold me back, I can't let go when I have nothing of my own. Why have you left me to save myself?

Let's see ... You've met my family ✅
And they all like you--which I never doubted. Yes, even my dad.

I cannot wait to meet your parents--they apparently ask about me a bit. One day, we will meet. I know it is harder because you don't want me to arrive on a day when everyone is already upset with one another. But I understand, Parkinson's is a hard disease.

Last weekend, you and I had an unexpected Saturday off together and we capitalized on it. We spent the day going to St Louis, looking at hobby shops. It poured, we got a little soggy but we had so much fun just enjoying one another's company. Pizza Hut really hit the spot. And then we went to one of your favorite spots to watch for trains--we saw 2.

Next Tuesday, I took a vacation day and we can go do something together again. I think I might celebrate your birthday then, just the two of us, a little early. I have never been so excited about celebrating someone's birthday or the upcoming holidays . I cannot wait to wake up Christmas morning and have a small, quiet morning with you before we join our families. I have already started making a small Christmas list for you.

The day I left was hard. Almost one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had to pick up my entire life and drag it across the country to escape your hold over me. You never did love me because love isn't control. You loved the idea of me and the idea of our relationship. 

I'd been told you had a new partner and my heart hurt. Not because of jealousy or anger, but fear for what you might put this next woman through. If anything I hope that she's treated well and with infinitely more respect and care than you ever gave me. I hope if you tell her you love her they aren't just empty words with no actions to back them up. I hope that she never has to spend nights awake worrying about what you're actually doing, why you're suddenly offline and not replying anymore and nowhere near our house.

I'm actually truly free now though. Since leaving I have made many new friends that care about me and respect me more than you ever had. I've gone to countless raves and music festivals that you'd continually tell me I'd never be able to handle. I'm no longer held back by you. No longer made to feel small and worthless. The people in my life build me up and in return I build them up. 

You can't tear me down and hurt me anymore, and I truly hope you've changed since I've known you. Nothing would make me go back to you, nothing would make me even want to LOOK at you again. But I do truly hope you're a better person now for her sake.

Sincerely,
Someone who actually cared

i love you so much you're gen my favorite person ever i never ever wanna lose u

So it is happening! You managed to tell your parents you need Saturday free and you are going to meet the rest of my family. I am excited to finally get the chance to show you off. I know they are going to really like you. And I honestly am excited to spend time with you (it has been a few weeks and I have missed you) and see you integrate with my family.

Dear everyone,

I have a plan.
Like, a real one. That could work out really well. It's so much more than just hoping for the best and crossing my fingers.

I have a plan.

🖤,

Heather

You called yourself "my other half" last night. I guess things are more serious than you let on sometimes.

It has been a good couple weeks. Last week, I met you brother and sister-in-law at the fair, along with your adorable niece. Your sister-in-law's mom was also there and I met her. I really enjoyed watching the Little Miss pageant, even if your niece didn't win. Though it was warm, a nice breeze came through and I thoroughly enjoyed meeting everyone. We walked around the carnival and you bought each of us cotton candy, which is apparently your favorite fair food. 💖

Yesterday, I played hooky from work and we went to Washington to the riverfront. We were lucky to catch 5 trains! I was so happy they all showed up for us! I enjoy spending time with you. I know you needed this day, and I am so glad we went, despite it being so hot. I am going to have to start holding your hand in public--you were almost hit by two different cars 😂

Dear you,

The answer is obviously yes.
But I still need to know the secret you're keeping.

<3,
Me

It's been a minute; time to recap.

I still miss not seeing you everyday at work. Not going to lie, it was my favorite part of my day. And though it's been a couple months, I sometimes forget you're not employed there anymore and I occasionally find myself looking for you.

However, I love the fact we talk all the time. Though I'm not supposed to be on my phone during work, we manage to text throughout the day, checking in on one another. And that has become one of my favorite parts of the day.

With you working at WalMart, you have now met my mom and my sister. So you are meeting the family slowly. And I cannot wait to meet yours. 💖

The fair is this week, and though I am on overtime and it is going to be ungodly hot, I know you're going to the fair Wednesday. I may show up and casually meet your brother and sister-in-law and watch your niece participate in the Little Mr and Little Miss Fair contest. The little kid pageant has always been my favorite thing. All the kids look so cute and you never know who is going to be shy or who is going to be the little ham.

We went on our first day long date. I had the best time with you at the Transportation museum. You were afraid you bored me to death--no, you absolutely did not bore me. I loved every moment of spending time with you, even if Burger King did not want to be a part of our day. LOL. Burger King was really good, when we finally found one that was open, and I really enjoyed being at the riverfront with you as well.

This week is NGA and I am thankful that we have worked together because you know how chaotic NGA week is. You were so incredibly sweet to tell me if I need anything--drinks, dinners, anything, to let you know and you'd get them for me. Thank you so much for being the amazing man you are! I really appreciate you and everything you do for me and for us! You are truly the best friend and partner. I love you.

Dear You,

This past month has certainly been...something. I could sense the conflicting pulls within you the last time I saw you, most likely on account of the plans you (likely) had in mind at that time...plans that at the very least have (likely) now been postponed for who knows how long if not outright cancelled. Still, a lot of uncertainty on many fronts hangs heavy in the air. I get the feeling that it wasn't just logically derived problems and complications that put a wrench in that which you'd originally planned...but other problems invisible to the outside world yet all too real within your personal one. 

I sense a storm coming in my bones--a storm coming to upend both of our lives. When it's coming, I don't know...I just know that something keeps telling me to be ready, that something is coming in the form of a storm. I guess we'll see. All I know is that this storm...whatever it may be and whenever it may come...will ultimately be for the better for both of us. How I know this, I don't know--it's the same way I just know a storm is coming. It'll happen when it happens and how it happens. When that storm comes for us, though...I'll be here ready for you.

All my love,
Me

We just spoke on the phone and you told me you were nervous about your orientation tomorrow. I am so happy for you and this opportunity but knowing you're nervous makes me sad. I know you're going to be fine--you're going to knock this out of the park. I am so proud of you and I love you so much.

You are the absolute sweetest person. I am overwhelmed by how blessed I am to have you in my life.

Last week, was NGA and it was the worst cycle I have ever seen. We didn't get our books in a timely manner, and that caused a lot of unnecessary stress. You knew I was completely stressed and beyond done. After work, you picked me up and handed me a bag that contained cooked taco meat, cheese, tortilla shells--all the ingredients for tacos and I just have to brag how good they were. They really hit the spot.

It was such a sweet gesture to a horrible day. You told me, I know you probably don't feel like cooking or thinking about preparing anything for dinner. I got you! Your kindness and thoughtfulness was definitely one of the very sweetest things anyone has done for me.

The first large cycle NGA without you has come and gone. You said you hoped the place fails and it did, horribly. Our department did well, but it was a definite shitshow.

You were so supportive of me during this week. I cannot thank you enough. NGA week is always stressful, but this cycle was more so than usual. Not receiving our books on time meant we had to work harder and endure long hours. Thank you for allowing me to vent and being my peace while restoring my sanity.

I had a meltdown and cried at work due to the overwhelming amount of stress. You picked me up after work and had dinner prepared for me. I did not expect such a wonderfully sweet gesture. I am not sure how I captured your attention, but I know I have won the lottery in the best friend and lover department. And I love and appreciate you so very much!

You continue to amaze me. Though I don't get to see you at work anymore, we are closer than ever. Though I love being able to talk to you throughout our evenings, I miss not seeing you. But I know we will see one another soon.

However, I am extremely happy that you have had a couple weeks to spend with your family and have been able to experience things you otherwise would have missed. Whether it is having dinner with your family during the week, or going to see your niece's tumbling recital, I know you have enjoyed having the time to spend time with the ones you cherish.

I know your door of opportunity will open really soon and I cannot wait to see you enjoy the next chapter. Eventually, I will also join that chapter.

I hate being at work and not seeing you. But I am glad you are out of this place. You are going to find something with a lot less stress and headaches, and that really makes my heart happy. I know you want to find a job that gives you more life balance and you mentioned you want to spend more time with me and your family. I feel honored to be in that special category.

Last night, while on the phone, you were so appreciative of all the job leads I sent. And you told me Thank you isn't enough, how if you were to give me a million dollars, that wouldn't be enough. And how I have earned a lot more date night dinners while checking on you. 💖 Sir, I'm not going anywhere --of course I am going to check on you--and often. You and I are too similar and I know my brain would be swimming in circles; therefore, I need to make sure you are alright, and occasionally, shake things up a bit.

Oh my gosh!!! How I have missed you!!!! I hate that you have been put on disciplinary leave and they are jacking you around. I feel like it is partially my fault and I hate it.

I am so glad you decided to go to dinner with me. You told me initially you were going to tell me no, that you were going to stay home. But then you thought about it and was like Hey, Knucklehead, she wants to see you! She wants to spend time with you!! Take her to dinner!!!! And I am so glad we went! Since you work 2nd shift, we never get the opportunity to have dinner together. And I had an amazing time with you.

I thank You for my blessings. I ask Lord that You touch this situation. I know Your plans are bigger than ours. Help keep him encouraged, keep him resilient. I ask You continue to bless him, and keep him healthy. I ask that You keep him close to You, continuously guiding him. Thank You for what You are doing and what You are going to do.

Amen

Oohhh! We have a date! I am so excited to be spending time with you! You keep asking me what I want to do and honestly, I just want to spend time with you and see you relax from this place and all the other stresses you have on your plate. I'm not a picky eater nor am I going to complain about looking at trains or people watching. I am just happy and excited to spend some time with you.

Vacation is over. I really wanted to spend time with you while I was off, but work has decided to throw everyone into overtime. Also, your dad is really needing help with your mom and I completely understand you going there to spend time and help them as much as possible. I really admire you for taking such great care of them. I know it isn't easy for you.

Today, you brought me a birthday card. That was very thoughtful. I love the coupon good for lunch or dinner--that is clever and so sweet. I loved the note--"Happy Birthday Melissa. Glad you enjoyed your day. Welcome back to the circus! Take care! Chris" Also enclosed, was some money, which I feel bad accepting, as I know you have a lot of expenses at the moment. But I appreciate your thoughtfulness and generosity.

I also had a gift for you--a solar powered charger. I know how you worry about your power going out, and how important it is for your phone to be charged. When I saw it, I knew it would be a very practical, thoughtful gift for you. I also enclosed a note.

I am so grateful for you! My soul may have been first to love you, but you are everything I have ever desired in a partner--and so much more! I know you have said how you wish we had dated sooner, but everything happens when it is supposed to and you have been more than worth the wait. You are my once-in-a-lifetime and I hope we enjoy this adventure called life together. You are the one I truly want to spend my forever with, not just in this lifetime, but for every lifetime.