I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all alone

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me 

more than done with this life.
tired of all the bs & going through the motions to make people happy.
nothing i do seems to be good enough. especially now with extra family in town for the holidays


oh and I've avoided posting for a long while since I've had this SI "poem" thing stuck in my head....

Some one made an anonymous comment on an old post of mine. I don't recognize the name yet the comment makes me feel like the person knows me.  Interesting since no one I know knows of this LJ.

not sure what I want to do about it.

I wish I was some place else tonight. 
Anywhere but this house & this life would be good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGLrrTbF3t8


Sonne  (English)
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, out

Everyone is waiting for the light
be afraid, don't be afraid
the sun is shining out of my eyes
it will not set tonight
and the world counts loudly to ten

One
Here comes the sun
Two
Here comes the sun
Three
It is the lightest star of all
Four
Here comes the sun

The sun is shining out of my hands
it can burn, it can blind you all
when it breaks out of the fists
it lays down hotly on the face
it will not set tonight
and the world counts loudly to ten

One
Here comes the sun
Two
Here comes the sun
Three
It is the lightest star of all
Four
Here comes the sun
Five
Here comes the sun
Six
Here comes the sun
Seven
It is the lightest star of all
Eight, nine
Here comes the sun

The sun is shining out of my hands
it can burn, it can blind you
when it breaks out of the fists
it lays down hotly on your face
it lays down painfully on your chest
balance is lost
it lets you go hard to the floor
and the world counts loudly to ten

One
Here comes the sun
Two
Here comes the sun
Three
It is the lightest star of all
Four
And it will never fall from the sky
Five
Here comes the sun
Six
Here comes the sun
Seven
It is the lightest star of all
Eight, nine
Here comes the sun

you know you're having a fucked up day when you start roaming Gmaps looking at the places you lived and worked in a city you thought you'd die in. Moved away from home when things got *bad* & conveniently had a place to go to. turns out the place was gonna end up being just as bad. one suicide attempt and a 72hr lock up later and i moved home.
SO WHY THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT THE PLACE NOW????? after all these years? all its doing is reopening those wounds & reliving those ups & downs of the people i was around.

guess its cuz things are getting bad here again. since i dont have any other way of escaping life...   cant seem to get killing myself right either. all i succeeded in doing is destroying a friendship that was already in shreds.  That's one thing im good at.  Sabotaging relationships im in.

so, having not worked in a year, living with my parents, & not driving all add up to a meaningless life. and there's no direction to go. 3 different points where i could/should have left this life... and yet im still here.

Well, I know the feeling
Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge
And there ain't no healing
From cutting yourself with the jagged edge
I'm telling you that, it's never that bad
Take it from someone who's been where you're at
Laid out on the floor
And you're not sure you can take this anymore

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Please let me take you
Out of the darkness and into the light
'Cause I have faith in you
That you're gonna make it through another night
Stop thinking about the easy way out
There's no need to go and blow the candle out
Because you're not done
You're far too young
And the best is yet to come

So just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

Well, everybody's hit the bottom
Everybody's been forgotten
When everybody's tired of being alone
Yeah, everybody's been abandoned
And left a little empty handed
So if you're out there barely hanging on...

Just give it one more try to a lullaby
And turn this up on the radio
If you can hear me now
I'm reaching out
To let you know that you're not alone
And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell
'Cause I can't get you on the telephone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby

this sux so much. you'd think, since I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions. but since moving back home, I'm being treated like a teenager again.
especially since I can't drive.

its been pointed out to me, that after 3 1/2 yrs, I still really haven't accepted that a lot of stuff I've been used to doing or enjoyed doing may now be out of reach.  I'm sorry, I'm not ok with that. at least not yet. there has to be a way to still have most, if not everything I'm used to.

Mostly what I'm upset about right now is there's a concert I really want to go to, but with having seizures, and still not sure what the triggers are for them.... I've only had about 12 grand mal & maybe 6 other minor absence ones in the 3 1/2yrs.  but I don't have health insurance right now so if something happens and I end up going to the hospital, I can't afford the bills. (not working, havent in a yr actually)

so this is yet another thing that feels just out of reach. only 10yrs ago i was working as a stagehand at concerts. helping with setting up & taking down the equipment. even used to work in theater too. now i get super light sensitive at the most inconvenient times.  I swear its the meds. its the only thing that makes sense.

Ever had one of those great days where every thing just goes to hell and you some how still come out on the other end in one piece?
that was yesterday.

Skip this post from here on if you are depressed and easily susceptible. I can't get the damn hide link thing to work.
.
.
.
.
.
Started off by planning to get my hair cut and going to see a movie. nothing more, nothing less.
Never realized my brain had other ideas. knew i'd been thinking of cutting or some other stupid stuff lately with the rather minor (ok for me may as well be major) set back in the past month.
Never really thought i was on the edge of that deep dark abyss.
Got a bottle of black malibu. never meant to drink the entire thing, and never realized it would cause major problems before I got home.
How I got home in one piece I'll never know