2009 is long gone, and 2010 is now here. Enjoy, everyone!

empty life, empty journal.

life sucks, people suck.

gonna go crawl in a hole now.

depression is fun. yay.

brb soon as I stop failing life.

maybe. I dunno. tired now.

A
[ ] Achluophobia - Fear of darkness.
[x] Acrophobia - Fear of heights.
[ ] Agliophobia - Fear of pain.
[ ] Agoraphobia - Fear of open spaces or crowds
[x] Aichmophobia - Fear of needles or pointed objects.
[ ] Amaxophobia - Fear of riding in a car.
[ ] Androphobia - Fear of men.
[ ] Anginophobia - Fear of angina or choking.
[ ] Anthrophobia - Fear of flowers.
[ ] Anthropophobia - Fear of people or society.
[ ] Aphenphosmphobia - Fear of being touched.
[x] Arachnophobia - Fear of spiders. (unless the name Peter Parker is involved, I loathe the creepy little things in all forms.)
[ ] Arithmophobia - Fear of numbers.
[x] Astraphobia - Fear of thunder and lightning. (Mildly.. mostly with lightning, not thunder..)
[ ] Ataxophobia - Fear of disorder or untidiness.
[ ] Atelophobia - Fear of imperfection.
[x] Atychiphobia - Fear of failure.
[x] Autophobia - Fear of being alone.

B
[ ] Bacteriophobia - Fear of bacteria.
[ ] Barophobia - Fear of gravity.
[ ] Bathmophobia - Fear of stairs or steep.
[ ] Batrachophobia - Fear of amphibians.
[ ] Bibliophobia - Fear of books.
[ ] Botanophobia - Fear of plants.

C
[ ] Cacophobia - Fear of ugliness.
[x] Catagelophobia - Fear of being ridiculed publicly.
[ ] Catoptrophobia - Fear of mirrors.
[ ] Chionophobia - Fear of snow.
[ ] Chromophobia - Fear of colors.
[ ] Chronomentrophobia - Fear of clocks.
[x] Claustrophobia - Fear of confined spaces. (Not to the point of total freakout, but still...)
[ ] Coulrophobia - Fear of clowns.
[ ] Cyberphobia - Fear of computers.
[ ] Cynophobia - Fear of dogs.

D
[ ] Dendrophobia - Fear of trees.
[x] Dentophobia - Fear of dentists.
[ ] Domatophobia - Fear of houses.
[ ] Dychiphobia – Fear of accidents.

E
[ ] Ecophobia - Fear of the home.
[ ] Elurophobia - Fear of cats.
[ ] Ephebiphobia - Fear of teenagers.
[ ] Equinophobia - Fear of horses.

G
[ ] Gophobia - Fear of marriage.
[ ] Genuphobia - Fear of knees.
[x] Glossophobia - Fear of speaking in public.
[ ] Gynophobia - Fear of women.

H
[ ] Heliophobia - Fear of the sun.
[x] Hemophobia - Fear of blood. (only in large amounts - a shaving nick is no stress, but an open cut makes me edgy.)
[ ] Herpetophobia - Fear of reptiles.
[ ] Hydrophobia - Fear of water.

I
[x] Itrophobia - Fear of doctors.
[x] Insectophobia - Fear of insects. (if it has more than four legs, don't get it near me.)

K
[ ] Koinoniphobia - Fear of rooms.

L
[ ] Lekophobia - Fear of the color white.
[x] Lilapsophobia - Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
[ ] Lockiophobia - Fear of childbirth.

M
[ ] Mageirocophobia - Fear of cooking.
[ ] Melanophobia - Fear of the color black.
[ ] Microphobia - Fear of small things.
[ ] Mysophobia - Fear of dirt and germs.

N
[x] Necrophobia - Fear of death or dead things. (mild phobia here - no a crushing panic, but a very strong sort of uneasy nervous feeling.)
[ ] Noctiphobia - Fear of the night.
[x] Nosocomephobia - Fear of hospitals.

O
[ ] Obesophobia - Fear of gaining weight.
[ ] Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.
[ ] Ombrophobia - Fear of rain.
[x] Ophidiophobia - Fear of snakes.
[ ] Ornithophobia - Fear of birds.

P
[ ] Papyrophobia - Fear of paper.
[x] Pathophobia - Fear of disease. (blame the media - according to them, everything around you will kill you slowly and horribly.)
[ ] Pedophobia - Fear of children.
[ ] Philophobia - Fear of love.
[ ] Phobophobia - Fear of being afraid.
[ ] Podophobia - Fear of feet.
[ ] Porphyrophobia - Fear of the color purple.
[ ] Pteridophobia - Fear of ferns.
[ ] Pteromerhanophobia - Fear of flying.
[ ] Pyrophobia - Fear of fire.

S
[ ] Scolionophobia - Fear of school.
[ ] Selenophobia - Fear of the moon.
[ ] Sociophobia - Fear of social evaluation.
[ ] Somniphobia - Fear of sleep.

T
[ ] Tachophobia - Fear of speed.
[ ] Technophobia - Fear of technology.
[ ] Tonitrophobia - Fear of thunder.
[x] Trypanophobia - Fear of injections. (kinda ties in with the needle fear from earlier.)

V-Z
[ ] Venustraphobia - Fear of beautiful women.
[ ] Verminophobia - Fear of germs.
[ ] Wiccaphobia - Fear of witches and witchcraft.
[x] Xenophobia - Fear of strangers. (Not exactly a fear, but I don't easily trust them.)
[ ] Zoophobia - Fear of animals.

That day, the saucers landed.
Hundreds of them, golden,
Silent, coming down from the sky like great snowflakes,
And the people of Earth stood and stared as they descended,
Waiting, dry-mouthed to find what waited inside for us
And none of us knowing if we would be here tomorrow
But you didn't notice it because

That day, the day the saucers came, by some coincidence,
Was the day that the graves gave up their dead
And the zombies pushed up through soft earth
or erupted, shambling and dull-eyed, unstoppable,
Came towards us, the living, and we screamed and ran,
But you did not notice this because

On the saucer day, which was the zombie day, it was
Ragnarok also, and the television screens showed us
A ship built of dead-man's nails, a serpent, a wolf,
All bigger than the mind could hold, and the cameraman could
Not get far enough away, and then the Gods came out
But you did not see them coming because

On the saucer-zombie-battling gods day the floodgates broke
And each of us was engulfed by genies and sprites
Offering us wishes and wonders and eternities
And charm and cleverness and true brave hearts and pots of gold
While giants feefofummed across the land, and killer bees,
But you had no idea of any of this because

That day, the saucer day the zombie day
The Ragnarok and fairies day, the day the great winds came
And snows, and the cities turned to crystal, the day
All plants died, plastics dissolved, the day the
Computers turned, the screens telling us we would obey, the day
Angels, drunk and muddled, stumbled from the bars,
And all the bells of London were sounded, the day
Animals spoke to us in Assyrian, the Yeti day,
The fluttering capes and arrival of the Time Machine day,
You didn't notice any of this because
you were sitting in your room, not doing anything
not even reading, not really, just
looking at your telephone,
wondering if I was going to call.

She was old. Feeble and nigh-toothless. Crippled, blind, and half-deaf. Her hair was still as black as it ever was, though sun-faded to red-brown hues here and there, and mostly gone to boot, leaving her largely bald with wild sprouts of red and black in a way almost comical. Yet despite her infirmity, she knew my voice by heart, and never hesitated to greet my mentioning her name with a smile and cheerful look, even if she felt too tired or pained to get up from where she was resting.

She was nothing if not determined, refusing to even make the faintest whimper of discomfort when she moved, though her uneasy steps and slow, staggered gait made it clear she was aching without a word ever said. But though her body was broken and worn, her heart, her joy, was as vibrant as always. Even if all she did was look up at you from her usual resting-spot when she heard you pass, it was with the same gladness and spark as she had in her younger days.

...And today, I saw the doctor slip the needle into her wrist, ending her life in seconds before my very eyes. We knew it was for the best, as, even if she stoically refused to truly show it, it was obvious every continued day was a burden, and that she would've wanted to know peace - but that didn't mean it hurt any less.

To my credit, I remained strong, even as I ran my fingers through her sparse hair in a gesture likely more for my own reassurance than hers, as the doctor began the final procedure...

That is, until the doctor drew back, nodding in finality. Until that moment, I was expressionless as a stone - then, when the fateful words "She's gone" were uttered, I lost myself, weeping and cradling her still form, realizing only then how much I really loved and cared for her.

I saw a loved one die today.

Ever wake up one morning and realize you basically just stopped giving a shit about, well, pretty-much anything? Ever realized you'd sunk so far into depression you didn't even notice you were even depressed until you thought about it, because you'd gotten so used to feeling that way it seemed normal?

And the worst bit was, amidst all these realizations, you had no idea how to get out of it - but weren't really sure it was worth trying in the first place?

Welcome to my yesterday.

http://schmevil.livejournal.com/161736.html

scans_daily

RIP

December 2003 - February 2009

Androgyny. Genderqueer. Transman and transwoman. Or even simple drag-queens and drag-kings.

There's a lot of words for them, these sexual rebels who straddle the line between masculine and femine, who have decided the stuff between their ears is more important than the stuff between their thighs when it comes to how they display themselves to the world and how the world, in turn, ought to perceive them.

It's very empowering, yes. But at the same time, this whole matter has a kind of unique sexual allure and appeal of its own in the very act of defying traditional sexuality.

Now I could angle off into discussing fetishism at this point, if I chose; but while it is tempting to divert myself into pervy commentary, I'll try not to, as I want this to be relatively neutral.

But, nonetheless, the fact remains that for many people, the idea of folks who don't exactly fit the common definition of "male" or "female" is a rather sensual and even erotic one. It is a way of exploring "the other side" yet staying comfortably within one's own sexual safezone.

It is hard to say if there is a "center-point" for such appeal, as tastes differ just as much as the people who both enjoy them and are the focus of that enjoyment. For one person, it might be as simple as their desired partner wearing just the typical attire of the opposite sex, while another might find heavier costumery and bodylanguage, or even outright surgical conversions as the only means of enticing them.

And yet it seems that there is a dividing line, not-so-much among fans of androgyny, but among the generalized public, as to what is "right". In today's society, it is not uncommon for women to go about in a masculine mode of dress or even actual male-crafted clothing, and usually nothing is thought of it, yet for the reverse, such often draws mockery and scorn.

But why? Is one form of "crossdressing" less accepted than another? Or is it something else? A famous entertainer once said that "A woman can look sexy in a man's clothes far easier than the other way around". Perhaps that is it? Is it the effort and time involved in crafting this androgynous illusion that holds much of the appeal? The notion that someone would be so defiant against even the body they had at birth that they would spend resources to recreate themselves a sort of new one to show off and draw in the gaze of others?

Now granted, I know not all gender-blurred folk do what they do as a social outcry or personal commentary. Some simply enjoy the look and the feel. As do others around them. Which brings me back to my initial topic about androgyny having an innate eroticism of its own. Perhaps it it the aspect of change, of resisting stagnation that some find sensual. Or perhaps it is the self-confidence most of them have as part of the change they undergo - it is often said that self-confidence can be more alluring than appearance.

Either way, when it all boils down to it, the reasons themselves don't really matter to most people, only the pure sensuality and sexuality of those folks of indiscriminate gender who, whether as part of the daily lives or merely as a weekend thrill, do their best to tilt the binary man-woman concept on its proverbial ear.


Whether you are a long-haired man looking beautifully feminine in tasteful makeup and dress, or a short-haired woman carrying off a solid butch vibe in a stylish suit, know this. You are amazingly sexy. Be proud.

Would Jesus Discriminate?

Or at least, he doesn't hate gay people as much as the bashers do.

God loves everyone - including the people you hate.