No, Bush's ambling rape of the Constitution and moral law is not the true sign of social decay and devolution. There is a far worse problem lurking, lingering, sneaking up on American values like giant snakes slithering onto a plane.

The real problem is, of course, tattoos. And piercings. And also: single people who defy the institution of marriage and choose to live together in sin. And then get tattoos. Haven't you heard?

Oh, the breakdown, the rending and tearing of the social fabric of American life. Just look. Look at these headlines, blaring and moaning and scaring the children. Here's the first one: For the first time in America's pubescent history, single-parent households and unmarried couples outnumber marrieds. And the Christian right went, "Noooooooo!"

... Another terrifying headline sure to pinch the nipples of righteous morality: Tattoos and piercings are slipping into mainstream dress codes. ... Translation: Body art: It's not just for hippie rocker punk heroin-addict street urchins anymore. Translation: The demure associate manager sitting in the cube next to you probably has a dolphin on her sacrum, which makes her feel totally hot. Translation: The new problem in America is not tattoos. It's bad tattoos. Cheesy and lopsided and horrible and bllurry and there needs to be some sort of law. But that's another column.

So then. Here you are again, faced with a simple choice ... The first one is to recoil in simpleminded horror. The first one is to see these changes in the cultural and romantic landscape as surefire signs of the coming apocalypse, to run to the Bible and point to Leviticus where it says "Ye shalt not make any cuttings into the flesh, nor tattoo any marks upon you" and then sneer and say see? See!? The body is a temple! God does not want nipple rings! Ha! Now where's my secret stash of German fetish porn? And etc.

(Of course, that adorable little biblical dictum comes right before the one about how "Ye shall not cut the hair on the sides of your head, neither shall you clip the edges of your beard," and not long after the one about how you're not really allowed to kill your slave girl after you have sex with her. But never mind that now).