I finally wrote my E.D. may be triggering

( Read moreCollapse ) I really want to sit here and think that means tomorrow I'll eat normal, and that nothing bad will happen, but that's simply a wish at the moment... -S

I am frustrated! I was doing so well and then my boyfriend takes me to Red Robin Thursday and I don't necessarily eat too much but a 1/3 of a burger and some fries and I felt so fat and bloated that I purged... 3 separate times to make sure it all came out. It was the only meal I had all day and then I went running. I know that I don't do well if I only eat one meal, I'm more successful when I eat tiny snacks throughout the day because I eat healthy and my stomach doesn't bloat so much.

Friday I slipped again BLEH I went hiking all day enough to where I burned 1500 extra calories that day because I was climbing through beautiful canyons, ravines and hills for most of the day with a heavy backpack. I didn't eat all day until the drive back where my boyfriend stopped at Culvers eww but I figured that I can eat a chicken sandwich instead of a wimpy soup or salad because I should at least get some calories in me after that strenuous hike. Big mistake fast food always leads to me vomiting :( how can I stop.

Today is a new day though so I will try not to beat myself up for it (although I am so worried that I don't sleep) and maybe I can beat my last attempt of being "good" for 11 days but weekends are rough. Drinking, friends, food everywhere. But today did not start well as it is my third day of no sleep again :( so I broke down at 10:30 am and took some xanax and nyquil to get some sleep and kinda slept til 2:30. Its rest but I feel fucked up!

For the first time in a long time I just let myself relax today. I smoked a or bowl with my boy, he left for school then I did just 20 min of yoga, took a long hot bath with salts, bubbles, wine, and a vibrator ;) I then slathered my favorite lotion all over my body popped some vikes and xanies and decided to write about how great it feels to forget about the world for a while. I might even do some reading before the boy gets home. So here I am laying in bed and DAMN I feel, look, and smell awesome.



This was inspired by my fourth day of recovery from my self torture of bulimia. I told myself that I remembered that I started vomiting around the beginning of high school around the disaster of 9/11. Ten years of hurting my body so that I could keep my skinny self even skinnier. I will try my best not to purge, after all I do eat healthy 90% of the time only fruits veggies and whole grains. I had a rough day yesterday as I went out with my bff; she love wings. At Buffalo Wild Wings I had a tall Sam Adams and a whole basket of potato wedges. I know that the fries alone had 560 calories and I went over my 1800 cal limit by 1500 calories oooo I was pissed but I didn't throw up. It was hard but I did it.

This morning reinforced it by a note from the Universe that said "Everyone is beautiful in their own way, but everyone is beautiful to someone else as well". Today I am going to be that someone else and believe I am beautiful.

Pandora is also a blessing somehow it knows just what I need to hear. I am more of a tree hugging, technology loathing, outdoor lover, but thank you Pandora is my friend when I'm alone. I mean how did you know I wanted to hear Home by Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros... and then some Shins mmm.

Be back more often ttyl journal