Everything's fucked up. I need control. I_WILL_NOT_EAT.

I can't make it through without Ana and Mia by my side.

I felt horrible earlier today, but then I got healthily pissed, and the rest of the day has been awesome. <3

So. I decided to try my best to get rid of my ED.
I took all the thinspiration pictures and posters off my walls.
I bought some REAL food.
My mom was visiting, we made pancakes. I ate without purging afterwards.
I was also quite brave, and bought a bar of chocolate. And didn't feel bad at all after eating it!

I also put up a new Healthspo group for people recovering from ED:s... http://community.livejournal.com/healthspo/

Generally, I feel very happy and energetic, but also a bit afraid about the future. I'm sure I will gain some weight first, but it will be okay when I can make myself a healthy eating routine, eat healthy and good foods, and only when I'm hungry. :) And something yummy when I feel like it as well. ;) No more counting calories, I will hide my bathroom scale, diet pills and so on.

Yesteray I told my psychiatrist about how my bulimia is getting really bad out of hand. I think it's the first step to recovery. I'm very glad I was able to tell someone. My mother cried yesterday when she heard me purging in the toilet, and crying I was fat. I don't want to worry her anymore! I want to be able to love my body at its normal weight!

I'm not dangerously thin, my BMI is now 23, which is very healthy for a young woman like me. I've got great boobs, a bit of a stomach and thighs to grab on. There's almost none muscles in my body at all, I've never been a big fan of sports. But I thought I could start swimming as well. I just got a new, pretty and red swimsuit which looks surprisingly good on me, and shows my tattoos... But all my cutting scars are also revealed. I have to gain strenght to go out in public with scars like this. I have no problems with my arms, but I've always disliked the way my thighs look, since the scars are in very weird spots. I just have to get over it.

I think I'll ask my friend to come swimming with me tomorrow, and then we'll cook something yummy together. I hope she can come, since this is a pretty big step for me.

I've had bulimia/anorexia/BED for the last 2 and a half years, but it's not too late to recover. It's NEVER too late to recover!

This is the path I have chosen, and I'm happy about it.

Is there any fucking reason for me to live?
I know my ex isn't going to take me back no matter how much I wanted. I know this thing between me and my current bf isn't going to work either. It ain't love. I've done horrible things to my friends, since year 0. And it's practically impossible to break the cycle of lies and bitchyness after such a long time. I don't want to be me. I constantly dream of being somebody else, somewhere else. I feel so fat, ugly, worthless and overall NUMB. I want to end this life, there's just no fucking point...

Feeling so hopeless and numb again.

I hate being alone, It's just me and my self-loathing self.

16 bleeding little cuts on her leg
razor
a bloody piece of paper
She drinks wine straight from the bottle
hopes everything's gonna turn out ok

Haven't eaten anything today.
Been sleeping 'til 13:30.
Wasn't at school. I was supposed to go painting at home (I'm now at my bf's), but I fell asleep again and... well.
I srsly need the psych ward now.
I just feel like I'm going to snap any second.
I snapped last night already.

Oh gods, Emilie Autumn.
That woman is genius!
AAARRRRGGGGGHHH!!! <3<33

TRIGGERING
Pics from yesterday in flickr here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/skullju1ce/4141834425/
My thigh. Lots of fat and tiny cuts.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/skullju1ce/4136597718/
More tiny cuts. On my forearm.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/skullju1ce/4135834311/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/skullju1ce/4136507154/

:/ Too small.