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This is officially the writing/icon Journal for a_wa: http://queenofsharly.livejournal.com/

All older stories and icons are found here:

http://community.livejournal.com/luvontheleftsid/profile

It was originally supposed to be luvontheleftsidE but there was a name cut-off.

If you are my friends, I'll most likely automatically accept you. Unless you have 0, 1, 2, 3 entries, 0 userpics, etc.

Hi guys. So throughout this blog I feel like I've had a lot of things I've gone through and a lot of questions both answered and unanswered - I still have a lot of unanswered questions but don't we all? - and I feel like one of the biggest questions that's been a constant basically is: what is my faith? What do I believe in?

Well, after going to Young Life camp again this year, I think I've found an answer. I think.

I have decided I'm going to give a relationship with God a chance. I have been praying a lot recently and I have started noticing God in a lot of things I do now.

Yes I'm still asexual and biromantic, yes I still believe in evolution, and no I don't believe that my biromanticism is a sin. Even before I accepted God into my life I had read a lot of interpretations of the bible by LGBT+ Christians and those are the interpretations I believe.

It's okay if you don't agree with me/my religion, it's okay if you don't agree with evolution being real. I don't mind either of those things. But I wanted to make this post on here because I feel like LJ is where I first started posting about figuring out my faith and I wanted things to like, come full circle if that makes sense.

I'm still not 100% sure what this entails, and I'm a little bit scared still because a lot of conservatives over the years have ruined my view of Christianity, BUT I am going to try this and I'm sure God will lead me to the correct answer for things. I have two LGBT+ Christian friends in my life and I'm thankful God led me to them to show me that God is not spelled GOP, like a bumper sticker I saw once said.

So yes, I believe in God. It's a little scary but it also makes me very happy and I'm so glad to be able to finally be able to say it and really mean it. :)

I originally posted this on liferuiners, but I wanted a copy on my blog as well, so here we go. :)

It's safe to say 2015 was full of a lot of ups and downs with Zayn (especially for OT5 Zayn fans like me) but I still love my boy so much and hope he has an amazing birthday. <3

So, in honor of his birthday, let's take a trip through 2015 in pictures of Zayn.

(Please no negative comments on this post. You can feel how you want about him but I'd appreciate if you kept your negative comments elsewhere. Thanks. :))

[You and me got a whole lotta history (January - March 24)]


One of my favorite selfies.




Zayn x animals is my favorite. :')






And now time for my favorite Zayn hair ever...





*sigh* Bring it back, Zayn!








OTRA ZAYN ;_; What I would give to have been able to go to one of the first OTRA shows (even though I appreciated my OTRA show a lot).









THIS PICTURE IS SO CUTE. IT'S EVIL.


ZILOOO. ;_; OT3 for life.




SUCH A CUTIE.






Last OT5 photoshoot *pouts like Zayn in that picture*




I'm Mrs. OMG-That-Malik's-Shameless




[Stay till the A.M. (post March 25)]










Zayn's nose piercing revealed! I love his nose piercing to be honest.



ZAYN SHOULD ALWAYS WEAR A SUIT TO BE HONEST. JFKLDA;FLA HE LOOKED SO GOOD AT THE ASIAN AWARDS. :')


SO CUTE.






[Hairs a million different colors]

I try to forget the green hair ever happened to be honest. I'm thankful he doesn't have it anymore.





Zayn and his dog :') another one of my fave selfies. <3




Question: what exactly was he getting cut here? There's nothing there...





Remember when Joe Jonas deleted his tweet about Zayn once Z started dating Gigi and then became friends with Liam instead? Good times.





But for real though, Paris Fashion Week was such a good time to be a Zayn fan.






Remember when the No Type video leaked? Hahaha. I loved it to be honest. It was so ridiculous/LQ and that's why I love it.






[Im Mrs. Extra-Extra-This-Just-In]

And Zayn is officially signed to RCA records! :) Yaaay!











So many amazing Zayn selfies this year. I love it.





Zayn's very first magazine cover! :) Even though there was no actual interview from him in the magazine, I still searched like EVERYWHERE to find it. It was almost impossible to find, but thankfully Amazon had my back a few weeks later. ;)










What a rebel. :P Hahaha. I love that one post on tumblr that was like "Zayn: have you taken the picture yet? Quick, someone's coming." So true. Hahaha.






Zayn and his mom on Halloween were the cutest.



He's so gentle looking here. I just want to touch his shirt and cuddle with him.


Zayn's boobs were one of my favorite moments of 2015 to be honest.






Before this we hadn't heard Zayn's voice in like forever, so I was so happy I kept playing these fan videos over and over again. :')





FADER MAGAZINE. I pre-ordered this one ahead of time so I wouldn't have to spend a million years tracking it down like with Interview Magazine. Hahaha. :P





And so begins Zigi. I don't really know anything about Gigi, but she makes Zayn happy, so I'm happy. <3














And so concludes 2015 for Zayn. I'm not going to lie, this wasn't anywhere near my favorite year for him or for 1D in general (and I know I'm not alone hahaha) but it got happier towards the end (for me at least). Because when I see how happy he (and the other boys) are at this point in time, how can I be anything but happy for all of them? Happy birthday Zayn! Thank you so much for still being amazing. <3


And now, time for the ships (my favorite part hehe). For each of these I'm going to start with moments from this year, and then do flashbacks to some of my favorite moments from previous years. :)

[I: What will you miss most about each of the boys? / Z: Louis smile (Zouis)]
Now I know what you're going to say ("Anna, that ship is dead") but honestly I don't want to hear it. Zouis will forever be alive in my heart.








OTRA Zouis. :')





Kisspering <3










How sweet, spending Valentine's Day together. ;)







Can't keep their hands to themselves. Beautiful.










Always touching Louis' hair. I love it.




What I would've given to be at that Japan show to be honest.






They looked so close to kissing in that one to be honest.







These two are so silly. Hahaha. I love them.







Did you know: ALL of these so far are from this year alone?






What Makes You Beautiful must be about Zouis to be honest. They sung it to each other like all the time.









OTRA Zouis was the cutest. I cry.











They were always together???








We honestly got so much Zouis during OTRA.


Harry is me to be honest.


This was the moment my soul came back to life. I'm sad that the person who hacked Zayn made him unlike it. >:(

And, before I move onto flashbacks, I want to link this in case you were wondering what the lj-spoiler title for this section is supposed to be a reference to. There was an article written in French of an interview Zayn did during Paris Fashion Week and one of the questions was: "If you had to choose a memory from each one of the guys, what would it be?" and Zayn answers "Louis' smile". :') It's here if you wanna read it: (xo)

So, flashbacks to some of my favorite Zouis moments pre-2015:













And, of course, let's end this with the best Zouis moment of all time:

:') I love these two so so much and am never going to give them up to be honest (insert rickroll here). <3


[Thanks bro 😀 x (Ziam)]
Oh Ziam. This ship will truly never die. They love each other so much and I think that's beautiful. :')







Huggies and kisspering <3









If WMYB is about Zouis, then You & I is about Ziam. Seriously always singing it to each other.

















Is it so wrong, that Ziam makes me strong?





It's like they can't go one second without staring at each other and/or following each other. I love it.




If there had to be a last OT5 photoshoot, I'm glad it was this one. Everyone looked so good and I liked it a lot.






I honestly can't tell if I'm repeating GIFs or not because there are SO MANY GIFS OF THEM STARING AT EACH OTHER. Goodness. They can't keep their eyes off each other, for real.









All microphones on Liam. Same.

























And even after March 25, they still sing each other's praises/won't let the world forget how much they love each other. <3









OUR BROTHER ZAYN. ALL MY TEARS. ;_;





I'm probably still missing some things but oh well. Hahaha. You get the gist, they love each other a lot. <3

Flashbacks to some of my favorite pre-2015 Ziam moments:





I seriously can't believe this is Liam's reaction to Zayn judging him. "You're judging me :) <3"

















I hope this thread didn't slow down anyone's browser. It ended up way longer than I expected. Hahaha. ;_;


I couldn't find as many things for OTRA Zarry and Ziall. :/ With Zouis I remembered tumblr user zouisneedsmorelove had made an OTRA Zouis masterpost, and there's a literal blog called ziamotra, but I didn't have an idea where to look for OTRA Zarry/Ziall, SO. That's why these next two threads are lacking in comparison. But I hope you still enjoy them.

[All the love as always (Zarry)]

















This is all I could find on tumblr, rip. Sorry. Haha... :(

Flashbacks to some of my favorite pre-2015 Zarry moments:






I STILL WANT ANSWERS TO WHY THEY HIGHFIVED HERE.







And of course we gotta conclude with a classic:


(Shoutout to "if Harreh wants the booty he'll have to wait")


[Eoghan: I have to ask about Zayn / Niall: Zayno (Ziall)]




The cutest cuties.









From tumblr: Louis asked Niall to describe the show in 18 words, Niall described it in only 16 words! Louis asked then if he should accept it! Zayn said yes and then this was their reaction.











When I saw Niall followed Zayn's new Instagram, I exploded to be honest.

Honorary shoutout to this "behind the scenes" video for a photoshoot from 2012 that the fandom just found this year:



And if you're wondering what my title for this cut is a reference to, it's from that interview Niall did with Eoghan. Eoghan asked about Zayn and Niall called him "Zayno" and I just thought that was adorable. <3 Link - (xoxo)

Flashbacks to some of my favorite pre-2015 Ziall moments:






Zayn singing Loved You First to Niall was one of the cutest things ever. :')





Let's conclude with them celebrating Niall's b-day in Vegas in 2014:



Also, no picture for it, but insert "I just wanted to make you smile, is that okay?" "Yes Zayn, I love you." <3


Happy birthday Zayn! <3 I hope 2016 is a really good year for you. I love you with all my heart and I can't wait to see what you do next. :) <3

So I haven't really gone on ONTD anymore since March, unless my friends link to a post that intrigues me. And now that Zayn has gotten his own tag on there, I doubt even more that I'll ever go back to being dedicated to that comm, because:

1. Zayn hate in 1D OT4 posts
2. OT4 hate in Zayn posts
3. Zayn is no longer in the "one direction" tag. Because he's no longer in the band. So it's just a constant sad reminder...
4. ONTD is just in general a terrible place to be honest...

However, I don't want to lose this LJ account. There are too many beautiful memories on it. So I'm gonna attempt to make posts on a regular basis (even if "regular basis" means like one post every 3 months).

But ANYWAY, on a much brighter subject...

MARRIAGE EQUALITY IS LEGAL IN ALL 50 STATES!!!! I mean it has been legal for like a week now, but STILL! It's so exciting! :D I'm so happy that now I can get married to whoever I want wherever I want in the US. <3

This is what I (and so many others) have been waiting for for so long. :') And yeah, the fight for mogai (marginalized orientation, gender alignment, intersex) rights is by no means over, but STILL. This is a HUGE step forward!!!

I also wrote 2 tiny 1D fics to celebrate the announcement. ^_^

Title: You're Weird, But That's Why I Love You

Fandom: One Direction

Rating: G

Pairing: Niall/Harry

Summary: Niall’s having a moment with Obama’s speech. Harry doesn’t get it, but finds it cute anyway.

( You're Weird, But That's Why I Love YouCollapse )

Title: My Everlasting Love

Fandom: One Direction

Rating: T (for mentions of alcohol)

Pairing: Zayn/Louis

Summary: Marriage equality is legal in all 50 states of the US. Louis wonders how the heck that has anything to do with them when it’s been legalized in the UK for way longer, but Zayn seems to think it very much does have something to do with them.

( My Everlasting LoveCollapse )

It's been approx. a month and a half since Zayn left One Direction and I'm still so sad about it. Everyone else has moved on to either the OT4 or solo-Zayn, but I'm still stuck here sad. I'm trying to remove myself from the fandom, but it's so hard??? because this is all I've known for almost 3 years. This is my life. As weird as that may sound to some people, it's the truth.

But anyway, rather than trying to put it into words in this way, I'll instead show you all the poems I've written since then, because they explain how I feel better.

( Zayn (March 26, 2015/the day after)Collapse )

( Not That Big Of A Deal (March 27, 2015)Collapse )

( Empty Space (March 29, 2015)Collapse )

( Blunt About It (April 20, 2015)Collapse )

( Too Close To The Sun (May 15, 2015)Collapse )

So I haven't really posted any of my fanfics on here in a long time and I know real person fanfiction is an uncomfortable thing for some people but I just feel like I have to post this fic here because it's definitely one of my best writings to date.

Title: Kiss me where I lay down

Fandom: One Direction

Rating: T

Pairing: Zayn/Louis

Summary: Zayn is a patient at the coma hospital Louis works at. He’s been in a coma for a few years now, and there’s controversy over pulling the plug. Louis doesn’t want that to happen, but after a while, what choice do you have?

( Kiss me where I lay downCollapse )

Soooo, on the 11th I got to experience one of the best days of my life. I GOT TO SEE ONE DIRECTION. This year I've experienced both of my dream concerts. First meeting Fifth Harmony + watching them and Demi Lovato live, then watching One Direction live. The only way it could've been better would've been if I had met 1D (but they took away the M&Gs and I was broke anyway so whatever).

( My 1D concert experienceCollapse )

In honor of 1D's 4 year anniversary, I was binge watching old videos of them to celebrate. For a while, it was a really happy day, remembering all the cute little moments and reblogging old tumblr posts. But then, as often happens, I started getting sad.

( You tell me that you're sad and lost your way, you tell me that your tears are here to stayCollapse )

So I posted this on tumblr, but I felt like it needed to be here as well because this is where it started. If you haven't read it on tumblr yet and you're my friend, please read this.

( Coming Out... ishCollapse )

Dumping some poems here that I've posted on tumblr but never here.

( Start DrivingCollapse )

( Love Is A Strong Word (warning: mentions of abuse)Collapse )

( To YouCollapse )

I had a dream a few days ago, and I’m still thinking about it.

( Warning: Mentions of deathCollapse )

Erase Me

I’m tired of crying my eyes out,

Of feeling like I’ve upset someone

By just being myself:

Clingy,

Passionate,

Emotional,

Oversensitive.

My eyes, as well as confidence in my personality,

Have run dry

But I’m sure they will still find some way to cry.

For years, my biggest weapon has been stabbing the pencil against the paper,

Easing the pain with words on lined sheets

But I am tired of reading my own tears,

Feeling like nobody cares enough to listen to them.

Then I stop.

I remember that people do love me and care about me

My ears must be broken though

Because tonight I can’t hear anyone caring.

Or at least, I only hear about 2 people who really care

And I am grateful for those 2 people,

But I still feel it’s not enough

It’s not enough for me to feel like it would really make much of a difference

If I was erased from existence.

Please, miss fairy godmother,

If you are out there somewhere,

I’m in need of a wish, and I’m not sure there’s any other

Person I can talk to, but you, who will be able to get me out of here.

My wish is that you will change me

Somehow, make me be well-liked by everyone I love.

I don’t have any mice, pumpkins, or trees,

But I hope that my tears will go above

The call of duty for this.

So please change me,

That is my wish.

I want you to make me be

Confident in every aspect of myself,

Likable,

Someone people will talk to, instead of putting on a shelf.

Nice to people, with no hint of insulting

Because I’m trying my best on my own

But it doesn’t seem to be working.

Please make me be someone worth wanting a friendship with,

Or at least someone who will stop caring

What other people think of my personality, because it’s

Getting exhausting being like this.

Happy late birthday vinyldreams! :)

Happy birthday ragnarok_08! :) Hope you have a good day.

Well, I've graduated (that happened on May 25) and tomorrow I'm gonna do class registration for community college.

Nothing else really eventful has happened recently, except one of my sisters (Caroline) got a kitten named Hazel Anne and today I hung out with Hailey at an ice cream place which was pretty awesome. :)

Hello. :)

So if you're reading this post, thank you for being one of the few people who still reads this journal.

My new grade resolution for senior year was to go on LiveJournal more and I did. I've been over at ohnotheydidnt as well as 2 One Direction communities on here posting comments like crazy.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I am still here. I'm just not posting as much anymore. I think I'm going to become one of those journals that uses LJ mostly for communities.

So yes, this account is still active. I'm still alive. I just use this for communities more now. :)

And hey, this could change. Maybe even tomorrow I'll start posting like crazy on here like I did 8th - 9th grade again, who knows? but this entry is just to let you know that yes, I am still here. I just am not using LJ for journal entries much anymore.

Thank you. <3

I should’ve never watched The X Factor. It’s only proven more for me that I should just give up on my dreams.

The things they’ve said you need: the perfect confidence in yourself and your art, the perfect look, the perfect talent.

I’ve had confidence, but ever since 8th grade, it’s been slowly fading away. Now I realize I don’t have the kind of confidence a job like professional singing needs.

Tonight I performed at open mic during capernaum. I was so nervous and didn’t have a lot of confidence. That’s when I realized that it’s not getting better.

But the thing about confidence is that you can’t force yourself to have it. I’ve tried and I’ve tried to gain back confidence but I just… can’t do it. And that’s not a good thing for professional singing.

I won’t compare myself to others because I’ve learned not to anymore thanks to a few people, but I just know that I don’t have the perfect talent.

And then there’s my back-up plan of writing. I don’t wanna self-publish, and recently, this guest speaker came in to Creative Writing class. She’s in her 40s and just now finally getting something actually published. Also, there’s the fact that ever since sophomore year I’ve had terrible writer’s block.

Singing and writing have been the only 2 things I enjoyed doing. And in my mind, I can’t just do a job for even a second if something I don’t enjoy. But if I don’t have the confidence to do either of those things, then I’m helpless.

I guess it’s finally come down to the fact that I’m not gonna be able to do anything with my life. I’m helpless, I’m hopeless, there’s nothing I can do.