This is absolutely brillant and sounds better than the actual book. I laughed out loud so much that I scared my kids. Enjoy!

Fifty Shades Freed--Blurb and Final Counts for the Book and the Series

In which even the blurb tacitly admits that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, happens in this book.

Fifty Shades Freed--Epilogue (Part II)

In which we witness the not!vampire C-section, Christian decides that his fear and manpain are far more important than an adult woman making her own medical decisions, ELJ fails geography for the last time in this trilogy, and Ket, the comm and I finally have the opportunities to take our revenge.

Fifty Shades Freed--Epilogue (Part I)

In which Christian beats his unborn daughter, Ana repeatedly tells us how happy she is before textually admitting that she fears Christian’s rage, Ket and I discuss teddy girls and Tuckerization, Ket’s retribution brings down a terrible curse not only on Mervin but on the entire world, and there is an incestuous threesome with a fetus.

50 Shades Freed--Chapter Twenty-Five (Part II)

In which Grey takes Ana to their new home, which is under construction; Ana still finds Christian Grey scary, and says so in the text; the ultimate villain is revealed–and not only has never appeared onscreen, but has barely been mentioned; Grey attempts a Xanatos Gambit out of revenge and fails miserably; Ana informs us that kneeling in front of her husband is “daring” and “wicked”; and Ket and I celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day a couple of months late.

50 Shades Freed--Chapter Twenty-Five (Part I)

In which Christian, claiming to be shy, relates a rather clichéd porno (minus the sex), whines that his parents didn’t understand his teenage self, completely confuses willing and enthusiastic submissives with abuse victims who have low self-esteem, claims to be shocked that his former domme would make a pass at him, and admits that, for three books, he did not believe that Ana loved him, while Ana burbles about infants loving parents automatically and unconditionally, because PARENTS, and frequently forgets to breathe.

50 Shades Freed--Chapter Twenty-Five (Part I)

In which Christian Grey’s adoptive parents tell him what happened during two months of foster care, despite not having been there; Mia Grey invites people to a nonexistent party; Kate hugs and kisses Ana, lending more support to the ship of Katana; Ana is angry about being pregnant because she wants booze; everything about the senior Greys’ adoption of Christian in Michigan is wrong; Christian begins relating the opening to a clichéd porno; and Ket and I plot Christian’s murder.

50 Shades Freed--Chapter Twenty-Four (Part I)

In which Ana idolizes Christian’s adoptive parents and blames his birth mother for all his problems; a doctor we’ve never seen before and will never see again tells Christian and Ana that sex is off-limits for the moment, horrifying Ana; Ray, Ana’s stepfather, has turned into an abusive dickhead threatening Ana with violence (because we needed another Christian Grey clone); Christian, who keeps blackmail photos of his exes, is disgusted by Jack Hyde keeping blackmail sex videos of his exes; Ana is snobbish about Christian’s blue-collar foster parents; Christian, who has stated for three books that he doesn’t know much about his past, is traumatized, TRAUMATIZED to discover that he doesn’t know much about his past; Ana convinces him to ask his parents for help for the first time in twenty-four years; and Ket and I grit our teeth and soldier on, grateful that our torment will soon be over.

50 Shades Freed--Chapter Twenty-Three (Part II)

In which Grey uses the existence of their unborn child to guilt trip and control Ana; the last character of color makes a brief appearance now, three chapters from the end of the series; bodyguard-general factotum Jason Taylor brings Ana food that he could not possibly have gotten from its supposed place of origin; Grey claims that he found Ana dropping off ransom money by tracking a car that she was no longer in; Carrick Grey proves that he is every bit as dickish as his younger son; Ana, without much success, tries to sell Grey on parenthood; and ELJ thinks that “hospital” equals “five-star hotel.”

Fifty Shades Freed--Chapter Twenty-Three (Part I)

In which Ana Steele is comatose for no apparent reason and sounds exactly like her conscious self; Ana’s father is fine with her husband hitting her for getting hurt; Grey goes out of his way to endanger Ana physically; ELJ messes up everything medical; and it becomes increasingly clear that the editor, poor soul, simply gave up.