MISSING YOU MORE THAN EVER 2010

It is unbelievable that it has been two years since you took your last breath. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you a multitude of times. I wonder everyday what you would be doing with your life. It seems like yesterday I was looking into your beautiful blue eyes and talking to you about your your plans for life. Your determination was making your dreams come true and I couldn't have felt prouder to watch you make these dreams come true, to watch you live your life. I miss our talks more than you could possibly imagine. One sided conversations just aren't the same. I still talk to you everyday as if you were sitting right next to me. I pause sometimes waiting for you to answer. My life has forever been changed without you in it. I wake up to your picture and I fall asleep to your picture looking over me. As I get older I watch you stay the same. It breaks my heart to know you will never have the opportunity to live your life, to marry, to have your own children, to grow old. I miss so many wonderful things about you. I miss your kindness and your gentle way of looking at life, I really miss your hard kisses that nearly broke my neck sometimes, I miss your voice, your late night phone calls, our discussions about everything in the world, I just really miss holding your hand like we did on the way to the hospital. I will cherish that moment for the rest of my life. I will always remember your sister singing to you in the hospital and the pride and love you showed her when she was done. Even though it was so out of tune. You made her feel so good. That is all she does is sing and she is so much better two years later. May she will be the next American Idol because you told her how beautiful her singing was, she has not stopped since then. Taylor sits in your truck so often, as he sits there I think to just feel close to you. He starts it and dreams of driving, but he never leaves the back yard. A few more months and he will be driving it for real. Tanner crys often and just misses the fact he didn't get as many years with you as everyone else. He holds onto the last night he had with you playing video games, eating at Panera Bread and shopping at the Vitamin Cottage. He talks about it often. It is his last special time with you, a few days before you went to the hospital. What a special treat for him. Gionne is growing into a special man. He looks so much like you the older he gets. Sometimes it sacres me a little. He is the same gentle heart you were. He is so artistic and loves to draw. He like you loves to hug and I cherish this so much from him. You guys are so much alike it is amazing. It is hunting season and your dad misses you more than ever. His hunts alone aren't the same. As life moves on to eternity we never stop thinking of you and making you a part of our everyday. You made a big impact on so many lives and God gave me a gift when he chose me to be your mom. Having that opportunity for 23 years has been a gift I will never forget! I miss you Son with all of my heart!!!!!!!!!

Remembering Zach One Year Later

God looked around his garden
And he found an empty place.
He then looked down upon earth
And saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you
And he lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best.
He knew that you would never get
Well on earth again.
He saw the road getting rough and
The hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids and
Whispered "Peace be thine"
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you did not go alone
For part of us went with you the
Day God took you home.
Though the smile is gone forever
And your hands we cannot touch
We will always have sweet memories
Of the one we loved so much.
~Author Unknown

Happy Birthday Zachary July 16, 1985

Twenty-four years ago at this very hour I was in labor awaiting the birth of my firstborn child. Zachary came into this world very much the way he left very quickly. I had a very short labor with him and he came busting into the world with all his might. I was so proud to be a mom and grew even prouder over the years to call myself Zachary's mom. I reflect tonight on the 23 years 4 months and 11 days I blessedly shared here on earth with my son and I again couldn't be prouder of the man he grew into and to be his mom. I spend everyday many times a day thinking of all of the great things I experienced with him over the years. The laughs, the teasing, the talks, the love, the friendship that we shared. He taught me how to be the parent I am today. It is these loving thoughts that help me make it through some very difficult days. Life has been very tough for me since losing Zachary but I remember all of the wonderful things he gave to this world, to me, to my family and it helps me to make it though another day. I love to hear other people share wonderful memories of my son. It is his birthday today and we will celebrate with him as if he is here with us. Happy Birthday son I LOVE YOU with all of my heart! I MISS YOU with all of my heart! You were a true gift to me 24 years ago today! I couldn't be more blessed. I love you so very much, you are a beautiful soul. Mom

January 1, 2009

I hope that everyone enjoyed a happy and safe holiday season. We shared time with family on Christmas Eve and Christmas. It was enjoyable but was certainly not the same without Zachary. We brought in the New year at home with my dad and our kids. It was safe and enjoyable. I have been teary eyed nearly everyday. It is so hard to do or see or hear all of the things that remind me of Zachary. Talking about him really brings me to tears. It is crazy how different people handle this type of situation. I seem to be lagging behind the rest of my family. Everyone has their days to be emotional but I certainly have them everyday. I get frustrated at myself for not seeming to handle this as well as everyone else. I unintentionally have put extra stress on my family situation by being so emotional. I wish like crazy I could just be "normal." It is so nice to see the words of encouragement and love from everyone. It helps to ease some of my pain. It also gives me strength to keep forging forth. I did not realize how losing a child could tear you into a million little pieces. It is so difficult to put all those little pieces back together. I guess it just takes time to patch it back together, this is the part that is so difficult for me. He was a HUGE part of my life and was ripped away in s short period of time. It is so difficult for me to even understand even today what has really happened. I still doesn't seem real to me, then it slaps me upside the head like a ton of bricks and I lose total control. I have decided to attempt going back to work next week 1/2 shifts to see how well I can adjust to being in the hospital setting again. I know Zachary would be upset if I did not at least try. I am scared to death for more reasons than I can count on two hands to return working as a nurse. It is my passion and I love doing my job but the thought of it frightens me nearly to death right now. My hope is I will start to feel half way normal which seems so far from the truth right now.

To you my son, I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. Life almost seems unbearable on some days without you in it. I see you in someway in each of your brothers and even in
Sissy. This helps me through to the next day. Each of them have something special to offer everyday as each of you always have. I am not sure I will ever stop missing you less as the days, months and years pass by. I am thankful that you are in a peaceful place without pain and agony. I have some sense of peace knowing I will see you again someday. I LOVE YOU MY BEAUTIFUL SON. Love Your Mom.

December 18th 2008 Dying Inside

I lay here tonight crippled by the realism that my beautiful son passed away three weeks ago today. I still question is this reality or am I going to wake up soon from a bad dream. I am struggling to make it through every single minute. I have never really understood the full meaning of depression or panic attacks or anti-social disorder until now. I have been driven into the depths of hell and for a control freak the inability to control anything in your world is sheer disaster. I speak to myself over and over trying to gain control of myself, my emotions, my reality without success. I have always had the ability to maintain control in out-of -control situations and have prided myself for doing so. I have replayed this situation in my mind so many times I have lost count....what did I miss. I am a nurse for crying out loud I am suppose to realize when someone is this sick. I am a nurse to help people, to save people, to make a difference. This is my son what did I miss.......I can't remember missing anything. He was tired but working a lot....I discounted it as too much work, not enough sleep. I am trying desperately to take the advise of a dear friend and not let this piece eat me alive. It was from his personal experience he reached out to me knowing as a nurse I would probably do exactly that. I am trying to let this part go, as I hear my friends voice in my ear gently reminding me to do just that. I have never missed something in my life as much as I miss my son. He is such a profound part of my life, my son, my friend and I miss him so deeply I have been rendered functionless. I am having major difficulty moving forward right now. The pain is so overwhelming, not being able to call and hear his voice, give him advice or ask for his. We always guided each other through difficult times and I feel alone now facing the most difficult time of my life and he is gone. Our friendship grew so much as Zachary got older and I will desperately miss sharing many many more years with my son. He truly was an amazing kid, I always adored his big heart and genuine love for everyone. He really lived his life and grew into an amazing man. I am so proud of him and the many obstacles he has overcome and all of the achievements he accomplished in his short but wonderful life. He really deserved many more years and people here really deserved to share in his goodness for many more years. God obviously had a bigger job for him than he could accomplish here on earth. I am selfishly mad that my time with him was cut short but am very blessed to have been chosen his mom here on earth. It was truly a blessing to be his mom...good, bad and indifferent. He taught me so much about parenting, love, patience, kindness and having an open heart. I certainly could have learned a few more lessons from him had we been given the time.

Son, I sit and ponder every minute of everyday all of the treasures we were given or shared over the last 23 years. You are my hero right up to the last breath you took and still today. Your hard work and accomplishments are amazing to me. I miss you with all of my heart. I can't wait to see you again someday. I will be the one running to you with open arms waiting for your big hug and hard kisses. I miss you with all of my heart and soul. Love Mom

To the Ficco Family

Today is the celebration of a young man's life, Zachary Ficco. He fought an amazing battle and on this day, December 6, he will be remembered.

To Ronda and Tony:

We know this is going to be the hardest day for you and your family. Be encouraged to look out at the multitude of people who have been praying for Zach and you and have now come to celebrate in his life. Just as you NEVER left his side, he will NEVER leave your hearts. You gave him so much strength and stubborn will to fight this for a long time. He held on for you!!! Know that he doesn't have to suffer anymore, that his last thoughts were of you, and that he was LOVED so much by so many. The Ficco family has strength in numbers, both immediate and extended. As Dory says on 'Finding Nemo' when things looked tough and more uncertain: "Just keep swimming." Ronda I know how much you really are not fond of swimming but just take a deep breath every day and keep on living. For your family, for Zach.

Be strong Ronda & Tony and remember Zach every day in everything you do.

We love you.

Celebration of Zachary's Life

Please join us this Saturday December 6th at 11:00am at Foothills Community Church in Arvada. It is located off of 80th and Carr in Arvada, Colorado. We will celebrating Zachary's life on this day and would love for each of you to share in this celebration.