the day after exams

it's the day after the exams *yay?!*
and there's such a mix of feelings
1. relief- we finally have time to just chill and not look at med books (5 papers consecutively - 3 written and 2 practical- is very very exhausting physcially and mentally draining)
just to be able to "roll around and sleep" is pleasant and immensely missed

2. anxiety due to
a) accomodation for next year hasn't been fixed yet- and i have to shift my books and stuff everywhere *blergh*
b) my laptop of nearly 4 years died on me about a week ago in the middle of OSCEs. the comp shop ppl said the motherboard failed. solution- buy another motherboard at RM600 or buy another computer =(
c) miscellanous stuff e.g. car keys (which have occasinoal bouts of moodiness and refuse to work for me at times), APYAC 09, next year...

3. boredom - no laptop means no music (no Christmas carols), no facebook, no youtubing, no videos, no watching movies, no downloads :(
and for an introvert like me, who used to be able to stay the for 4 days in my apartment and not come out (thanks to the wonderful laptop)- this is not good..
esp when everyone else is busy shopping and packing to go home. so i'm at a loss as to waht to do now.

4. exams this time were not as expected. since all past year questions were leaked out, we had to sit for a whole new batch of papers *not good* but somehow i'm believing that GOd will see me through this. we've done what we can, now it's up to the One Upstairs

pokok pangkal- i'm soon approaching a crossroads and if anything, this year has taught me loads of stuff, some of which include the willingness to let go, to step out of my comfort zone, and to trust Him. so though i have no idea what is in store for me, He'll be there.

the day before the exams

i must be the only person in the world who chills by listening to Christmas music -.-"
but that's what i'm doing now
esp when the exams start tmrw....

but listening to the carols, in a soft jazz like manner helps
reflecting on His awesomeness =)

i want to play with Nathan!! walk by the beach with a gentle breeze!! talk and laugh with the guys!!
be in Christmas service!!
anything to reduce my rapid heartbeat, to quell the anxiety, to help me sleep
worst part is i promised myself, Dad, Dr Vanessa and Dr Siva that i wouldn't take antihistamines at all
soooo dear God help!

worried vs. being calm

i have not blogged for the past 1 month -with good reason.
too many assignments.
Finals are in less than 2 weeks
4 years of work examinable.
and i feel so unprepared
everyone around me seems to know stuff
but not me

there are people who are actually getting symptoms of "overstudying" i.e. somatic complaints that randomly appear when u read too much..

but it's the opposite for me
i'm struggling with excessive drowsiness and sedation
i'm scared to hell that i won't pass this year
yeah i'm doing questions, reading books, but there's still another 90% of stuff that hasn't been covered
the OSCEs give you marks based on how detailed you are
i look at the amount of work i'm doing and compare it to the rest and yes, it's way inadequate
what do i do Lord
You said to leave it up to you and i have
but this is all so new to me that i'm lost

doesn't help that in the middle of all this, Monash dropped a bombshell on us by withdrawing the AUS$3500 grant.
now i'm really worried about finances and all esp with my younger sister going to uni (and possibly doing med too?)
doesn't help that i have to make arrangements for where to stay next year etc.

all this with my fear for exams
weird thing is i'm not scared scared..
the excessive drowsiness overpowers my sympathetic drive so i don't have any adrenaline rush
and despite me attempting to appear smart, my marks are not proving it.
so yes. my mind's absolutley worried
but somewhere deep inside,
You're telling me to trust YOu
and I will
i honestly don't know what's happening much less what's in the future...
but one thing i do know is that Your Grace and Your Mercies they're more than enough to see me through
You were there in the desert and now even as You're with me, i'm holding on for dear life.....

"Dear God, i'm scared as hell here. But yet through this, help me believe in You"

Photos of life in a way you have never seen before

was looking aimlessly around when i came across this absolutely beautiful peaceful and haunting gallery of pictures in the Guardian, which shows photos from conception until 30+ weeks... just a snippet of the whole book.
When i see pictures like these, am reminded of this

You knit me together in my mother's womb
I praise You because i am fearfully and wonderfully made

click here for the full article

Steven Curtis Chapman "Heaven Is The Face"

After escaping the May 12 2008 Sichuan earthquake and then living through the tragic death of his youngest adopter daughter Maria Sue Chapman barely 2 weeks later, Steven and his family struggled for a while.

But in the face of all the sorrow, God was with Steven and from the ashes of everything that happened, arose his latest album "Beauty Will Rise" (to be relased in Nov 09). This is the first single from that album.

In retrospect

One thing that I've learnt this past few months is that God never gives up on you.
People can hurt you, friends may not be there for you, circumstances may be against you..
but through it all, He is there.

Though it's depressing to leave the building without anyone actually being grateful for your presence
Though it's so lonely walking the road less taken, watching others experience stuff that you might never have
Though the future seems so very scary, and i don't want to move forward cuz i'm freaking scared of what is to come, of being alone, of being deemed incompetent and putting people's lives in danger,
Though at times it hurts so much, when you're in the wilderness... and you're screaming for dear life on the inside but no one is there...

God is there.

Just like that night when i planned to give up, bitterness anger and hurts all rolled in one -God was there
*someone was definitely praying for me that day!*
In the angst filled months before,
In the turmoil laden days after,
God was there, keeping me safe, watching out for me.

And i guess, that this weekend's camp reminded me of that.
God is there with me, just like in "footprints"
and He definitely knows when to cheer me up.
*like today, was a wee despondent but came home to find a mail from a dear friend*
reminded me of His goodness and grace
just like the song "Higher Ways" - *which i'd strongly encourage you to hear*

of being disney-fied and chronic case assignements

so it's been a few days since the last post.
merdeka weekend came and went... spent my time sleeping and relaxing
caught up with a childhood anime favourite- Cardcaptor Sakura *hearts tremendously*
goshhh
by the time i finished watching it, i was utterly and unabashedly disney-fied, seeing stars, rainbows and hearts everywhere, longing and wishing for happily ever after endings with princes around the corner to sweep the princess off her feet *which of course doesn't happen in real life*... but i was way too deeply involved in the anime. *honestly i'm too romantic for my own good*
so yes, was melancholic *english wise ..not psych wise* and disney-fied for sometime... but think i'm slowly coming out of that phase *phew-back to normal me*
and now back to med *sigh?*

so the whole focus is on finishing assignments first..before panicking for the finals at the end of the year
struggling with the chronic case GP assignment, when i stumbled upon these few videos.
this may be new to you but Nick Jonas (youngest member of the Jonas Brothers Group- the intense boyish one with the curly hair who's also immensely talented-drums, keys, vocals, songwriter...). Yup that Nick Jonas- he's a type 1 diabetic( just like my classmate in year 1 med). since his diagnosis in 04/05, he's tried to raise awareness about type 1 diabetes all over the US.
Just wish that he was here, so that i could use him for chronic case.
Not only would it be cool, it'd be fascinating, amazing, awe-inspiring and might even revive the lost passion. Plus i'd be the envy of girls everywhere *ecstatic sighs of rapture*
yup- dream on girl.
Click here (on the numbers) for parts 2, 3 and 4

musings

there will be times
times when i feel all alone,
times when i'm angry with myself for being a doormat,
times when i wonder why at the absence (or lack) of true close friends,
times when i long just to have a chance at normal life, something more..
BUTT, i'm glad for the simple things in life, small miracles that make my day
and through it all,
i know You are there guiding and being with me, every single step of the way =)

acts of kindness

I came across this tidbit today and decided to share it with you, how refreshing it is to see that there are still good, kind, efficient and responsible people present. Thank God everything was ok! but this situation begs the situation: what would you (as a medical student or even later as a doctor) do when paged?

A big hand for crew of MAS Flight MH128
I WRITE in praise of the wonderful crew on Flight MH128 on Aug 7 when my husband blacked out at about 3.50am midway on the flight from Melbourne to Kuala Lumpur.
It was already lights out in the cabin but in the glow of the TV screen, I saw him bending over and fiddling with the airsick bag. He dropped it and then slumped forward. I thought he had suffered a stroke or heart attack.
The passenger next to me buzzed for the crew. Their response was swift and professional. Let me recount the actions of the MAS crew – some of whose names I did not catch but now wished I had.
Two nurses who were passengers on board responded to the paging for medical help. I overheard one steward asking politely for her nurse’s licence or any other verifying paper, apologising that it was a procedure for the use of the BP instrument.
One of the nurses said a doctor was needed as the patient’s pulse was barely discernible. I overheard the attending cabin steward telling another steward to page again in case the doctor on board had not heard the first call. The crew member located a doctor on the passengers’ list but he turned out to be a PhD! But the fact that the MAS cabin crew was thorough is reassuring in itself.
Later, a stewardess sat next to me to clarify the ground procedure as the Captain had radioed ahead for an ambulance to be on stand-by. She checked if a friend or family member could assist me on arrival at KLIA. Then she offered to make a phone call from the aircraft which she did with calm efficiency.
The Chief Purser, Encik Azlan, also stopped by periodically to check if I was okay. A cabin steward accompanied Ms Stephanie Kent of Alfred Hospital as she monitored my husband’s blood pressure and oxygen intake half-hourly.
After my husband’s condition had stabilised, I went to the nurses’ seats to thank them but they were no longer in economy class. They had been moved to the front as a gesture of appreciation for their help. What a great PR move! In many ways, big and small, the MAS cabin crew handled a stressful situation like this with grace, understanding and minimal disruption to the rest of the passengers.
My husband is now resting at home after being admitted to the Coronary Care Unit of Subang Jaya Medical Centre, where his neurologist and cardiologist weare equally flummoxed by his miraculous recovery! No small thanks to the MAS cabin and cockpit crew.
KAMSIAH MOHAMMAD PETER BOSTOCK,
Petaling Jaya.

Honour for cabin crew who handled crisis well
THE management and staff of Malaysia Airlines were delighted when we read the letter “A big hand for crew of MAS Flight MH128” (The Star, Aug 17). We thank Kamsiah Bostock for her generous compliments of the cabin crew. To recognise their great work, we will be awarding them letters of commendation and these will go into their personal files.
The team that have responded quickly to this medical situation were inflight supervisor Azlan Hairuddin. leading steward Harvinder Singh, leading stewardess Fida Abdullah, flight supervisors Satvinder Singh Kaka and Sivam Satchianathan. The airline industry is rigorously audited and we would like to emphasise that flight safety is of utmost priority.
We are also grateful for the help of two nurses onboard – Miss Stephanie Kent and Mrs Helen Hill. Terima Kasih from the bottom of our hearts.
DATUK TAJUDEN,
Director of Operations, MAS

Testify To Love - a mother letting go of her dying son (from the TV series Touched By An Angel- "Psalm 151")

Monica is sent with fellow angels Tess and Andrew to help Petey, a young boy with cystic fibrosis, fulfill his list of things to do before he dies. In the process, they must also help Audrey(his mom) come to terms with Petey dying in order to let go. As each item on the list is slowly crossed out, 2 things remain - one of which is the completion of the song "psalm 151". Audrey had started the song when she was pregnant with Petey to testify about God's amazing love in giving her a child, but stopped halfway when it was discovered that he had cystic fibrosis. With Monica's words of encouragement and a renewed sense of God's love, Audrey spends the night writing and wakes Petey up in the morning to show him the completed song. Friends, neighbours and the church choir, join Audrey in singing the completed song, as Petey's best friend, Celine puts up a flag (to show angels were Petey lived). Monica is with Petey as Andrew (the angel of death) prepares to bring Petey on his final journey home, whilst listening to the song. At the end, Monica crosses off the final item in Petey's list " Go to Heaven".



All the colors of the rainbow
All of voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins
Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation lives to testify

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

From the mountains to the valleys
From the rivers to the sea
Every hand that reaches out
Every hand that reaches out to offer peace
Every simple act of mercy
Every step to kingdom come
All the Hope in every heart will,speak what love has done

O-Oh Ohhh

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

Decisions

1. "making decisions is like hiking: each step puts you a little further down
   the path. wrong decisions lead you down the wrong path and right decisions
   lead you down the right path. "

2. "when you mess up, expect to face consequences- but then ask God to help you start over again. When your heart is sincere and you truly want forgiveness for your sins, God will give you another chance....."

from Divine moments for students.

How Six Songs Collide

combination of 6 songs...

Songs(videos) and Artists
- Jason Mraz's I'm Yours
- Howie Day's Collide
- Five For Fighing's Superman
- Angela Ammons' Always Getting Over You
- Boyzone's All That I Needed
- Three Doors Down's Here With You

Deck The Malls =D

few years ago (or maybe like a decade ago) teacher June passed a cassete to me and Esther (well she passed a lot, but this was my favourite) she had recorded this tape and it was entitled DECK THE MALLS (and it's NOT deck the halls!) it was Christmas songs, new ones which i had never heard before, with kids, teenagers and young adults people talking in btwn about their real-life experiences with Christmas

first song was Deck the Malls, second entitled "I'll make my heart a Bethelehem", another one had this as the last line of a chorus "through the eyes of a child" .. and the last was a medley of carols done in a contemporary fashion (o come let us adore, hark the herald, part of Handel's Messiah (the "what child is this part" Gloria in excelsis deo, Joy to the world and etc)

anyhow i was listening to Emmanuel by Michael W Smith from WOW Worship - Chrismas "red" album , when i realised that i had heard it before ... on this very same cassete tape "deck the malls"!! and so i tried searching for the album on the internet, but there seems to be no such album existing??
i asked teacher June again and she said she had copied it from her friend's tape/CD.. so the album does exist


so yes reason i'm blogggin about it is i really really LOVE that album.
it had beautiful songs and amazing arrangements. i've heard many other Christmas albums since then but none have matched up to the beauty of Deck the Malls *hearts*
i don't ask for much- God knows no one outside family really gives me presents anymore, but this is ONE thing i really want :)
so please my dear reader, if you know of such an album or anyone who might have a clue to it... PLEASE pass it on to me.

Deck the mall with decorations,
boughs of holly in celebration
long awaited school vacations,
deck the malls tonight

look at all the shops and friends,
Christmas trees and coloured lights,
come on everybody one and all
let's deck the Mall tonight

hear the sound of children singing
see their faces, watch their eyes,
fires (or light?) are burning, bells are ringing
reindeer flying through the sky

the past few weeks

well lots have happened since the last post.
by the way, i should clarify that whatever fanciful musing that i write are NOT poetry or anything hi fi- they're not lyrical either. they're just simple reflections (some may call them creative writing) but i prefer to know them as my thoughts, flights of imagination, fanciful musings.

for a start, my active O&G HSA posting came to an end (thankfully!) followed by 2 weeks of glorious vacation
went back home, and as usual twas a sta-cation (staying at home vacation) sleeping, eating, watching tv, spending time with grandma and family, and catching up with people, namely Adeline, Joyce, Eugene, JuLyrin and Ann Louise which was good. very fun hearing about their lives (most have graduated or are soon to graduate) reminiscing about high school and chilling in general. unfortunately didn't get to meet up with shern ai and wai ying due to circumstances ... but oh well
became tanner and heavier - now i REALLY need to exercise!

the return to JB was difficult. nobody wanted to come back (Su wen esp cuz it was her 21st birthday and all) but it was very hard for me this time. suffice to say, God has been good to me. His miracles are evident each and everyday- like today i absent mindedly forgot something crucial and seemed to be in trouble but somehow the whole situation worked out by itself. twas just like Faheem told me " Dr Alex told me to tell you that God is always looking out for you"
yup. very true
hahahaha...

and i'm glad that there's at least one or two who are actually happy that i'm back

" hey just want to let you know that i'm glad you back in JB!!! no not because of the XXX thingy.... it is just that i',m glad..."

but yes. what Dr Alex said is very true. and thank God for that =)

looking out

From my window

I see the city as it awakes, bathed in the morning mist, giving the ethereal illusion of buildings emerging from a mystical nature, coming out from land before time

I see the highways jammed, as people hustle and bustle, attempting to reach their destinations safely and on time

I see helicopters gliding past buildings, flying across the horizon, gently resting down on the nearby police headquarters

I see the last rays of the sun resting upon the roof tops of houses and hostels, bathing them in a myriad of colours- shining gold, with slow steady red undertones, blue glimpses and finally the peaceful dusk

I see the landscape dark yet aglow, the skyline etched out with bright lights in the horizon, but closer to home, the roads are empty, time slows down, illustrating my path- the road less taken

I see the flashing blue and red lights, leave the morgue, going past the hospital, headed towards the place of the dead,

I see the faces I’ve seen in times past and present, reminding me of life, both now and in the future

From my window, I see how in the dark of the night, when no one is out there, peace still exists

If only you would sit, with your windows open, and be still...

everyday

every day i become more and more painfully aware of how little i know about medicine, about people and about life
every day without fail there are incidents that hammer into me, the futility of it all
every day this hole pulls me in deeper and deeper
every day i realize just how much i need You cuz there's nothing and none left

¹How long, O Lord? Will you forget me for ever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
²How long must I bear pain in my soul,
and have sorrow in my heart all day long?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

³Consider and answer me, O Lord my God!
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
⁴and my enemy will say, ‘I have prevailed’;
my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.

⁵But I trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
⁶I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13, new revised standard version

what happened today

today i got reminded repeatedly how useless, stupid and clumsy i'm
went on and on

didn't help that the nurses were scolding me for standing there like a stupid donkey and not knowing or doing anything
even the doctors wanted to give me a chance but couldn't do so due to certain influences
was going to cry, then pinched myself - med students aren't supposed to be babies and buckle under pressure

took out my gloves for the 3rd time in a row, when an MO asked me to stay and watch
bit my tongue and nodded
i think the MO guessed what was going on cuz the MO kept talking in a comforting manner
the MO asked some questions that no one else had asked before -among them "do you really want to be a doctor?"
and i answered truthfully, kinda vented out stuff
but as we kept talking, i realised that all the frustrations had slowly ebbed away
was able to forgive the nurses and others then
guess i was like a nervy horse who just needed some kind words
being able to just talk was also calming in a sense - haven't been able to do that either for a long time


later, managed to do a procedure with a cheerful, helpful nurse and an amazing patient,
patient even remembered me from a few days ago, where i got to do another procedure on her
and another MO took me aside to go through abdominal examination in O&G -got reminded to practice
went around trying to find "guinea pigs" to practice my examination but ended up checking in on my pt and her baby, and just encouraging other patients who were in pain

guess God knows when to encourage me

update 2

1. sinusitis cleared
2. in O&G now, still prefer children's health over women's anytime
3. very tired with all the standing, walking and moving we do (plus the long hours). still tisn't as bad as some of the final year elective students had it in their institutions - oncall from 6pm to 6am.
4. pondering over this week, realised that GOD has done a lot of good things for me. but somehow, there' ve been bad things too. like certain missing items, which are driving me anxious despite knowing that i'm not supposed to worry. like certain things that happened
5. i finally understood for real, how dangerous medicine is. life and death in your power, one wrong move be it "an ommision or commision" (legal terms) and lives could be altered dramatically. dear God, help me deal with it, to learn and move on.

current stuff

right, quick update.

2 things on my mind

1. glad everything's cleared up. somehow, in the moment of greatest ache, He put balm into this wounded soul. and i'm glad He did cuz it's good to be back with friends.

2. got sinustis :( my nose is alternately clogged up (dizziness at times) and dripping profusely.
Cell-ies urged me to go see ENT, i dun want.... blame it to not wanting to be a regular at the ENT clinic esp after last year.

one more addition
3. O&G (HSA block) starting tmrw.

Casting Crowns - I Heard The Bells on Christmas Day Live

this has always been one of my favourite carols,
but the voices here are so pure and innocent
and the chorus... the standing line echoes "peace on earth"...slowly reverberates within my soul....


I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet their songs repeat
Of peace on earth good will to men

And the bells are ringing
Like a choir they're singing
In my heart I hear them
Peace on earth, good will to men


And in despair I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men

But the bells are ringing
Like a choir singing
Does anybody hear them?
Peace on earth, good will to men

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men

Then ringing singing on its way

The world revolved from night to day
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men

And the bells they're ringing
Like a choir they're singing
And with our hearts we'll hear them
Peace on earth, good will to men

Do you hear the bells they're ringing?
The life the angels singing
Open up your heart and hear them
Peace on earth, good will to men

Peace on earth, Peace on earth
Peace on earth, Good will to men

floaters

though i may not understand,
all the plans You have for me,
my life is in Your hands
and through the eyes of faith,
i can clearly see...

help me, dear God to see through the eyes of faith
to move from this to there
to be able to finally say whole-heartedly like Mary

according to Your word O Lord
be it unto me

quotes

Peter

Am I not supposed to have what I want? What I need? What am I supposed to do?

Aunt May

And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero. Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years later, they'll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there's a hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady, and give up the thing we want the most. Even our dreams.

from Spiderman 2

crash

yesterday, i was complaining about how restless i was
today i got a rude awakening
just realized the amount of work i have to do this week

1. index case
2. GP tute
3. clerk patient for index case
4. over 65 year old assignment
5. the 2000-2500 GP essay (private practice vs KK)
6. send car for servicing
7. get in the mood to read a lil bit about O&G before i start HSA intensive next week

all to be done by friday
*faint*

bottom line --> gotta get my head in the game
even if the insides twist here and there

BUCK UP GIRL!!!!

restlessssssss

aiyayai yayai!

got up today at a decent time fully charged, washed my labcoats, redid de layout *like it?* went for lunch with the rest, came back and watched cartoons, and started on assignment -.-"

i've been so freaking restlesssss!!!
could it be that it's the first saturday morning and afternoon in a lonnngggggg time that i've spent at home???
but then again, yesterday also very restless physically and mentally :(
good thing i went out with Vivian, Mau Ren...good company cheered my spirits up

*sigh*
restless-nya (not mentally just physically)
soo now, watching Princess Diaries 2 with Su wen.

anyhow, just remembered something that happened on wednesday in consulting skills.
twas our last scenario for the day, Ji Keon was the dr and yours truly was the patient
so while waiting for our tutor to finish up, Ji Keon read through the scenario and suddenly chuckled out aloud. rest of us stared at him and then proceeded to get ready for the last CS.
i glanced at the page, and then understood why he had chuckled

patient's name was Anna ..... (17 yr old italian pt with Roman Catholic background)
with a boyfriend (20 yr old George)
*swt*
.....
.........
............



didn't help either that the topic of discussion was unplanned pregnancy.

update

Aslan's words to Jill on the mountain as he blows her off to Narnia,
they reverberate in my head.
Don't remember the exact quote but it's essence keeps ringing time and time again

but anyhow, the main purpose of me writing this ...
is just a short note to ask you to give me time.

in the meantime, some things that i've been doing these past few weeks:
1. finished Paeds (with the oral presentation, logbook, written presentation, paeds contemperary issue presentation and diabetic review all done in the last 9 days of that period.
2. went back home for weekend
3. had the palliative care home visit couple of days ago
4. completed our GP group presentation, now to do EBCP assignement, over 65 years review and the GP essay
5. chilled out with Min Chiee and Sisca
6. went for the weekend services
7. finally a break in wall, a light from the brassy heavens
8. spending time with Nathan- just being with him was comforting. the joy and peace he exudes is amazing. God knows how much i love him
9. knowing one person who genuinely cares- Alicia, the comfort, encouragement and hospitality i treasure
10. my car tyre punctured on the way to Kempas. and my group changed it for me. the fun we had whilst acting and playing *grateful*
11. music- scales, Chopin, Richard Clayderman, jazz songs etc
12. i really miss paeds.

way beyond the blue

The passion fades and your sense of adventure
Sits collecting dust on a shelf;
The new gets old and hearts get cold.

Where's the flame that burned with excitement?
Where's the hope you once knew so well?
It's lost at sea with all your dreams.
There you stand caught between an endless sky above and earth below............

confusion

perplexed, bewildered
am i thinking too much?
or denying the truth?
conscioulsy there isn't an atom of truth
but subconsciously ...
don't want it to be like this
in fact, it shouldn't be happening at all
how did it happen?
no use asking useless questions
just need to stop it
lobotomy seems like a good option now

rumbles of a dormant volcano

i do not like it when people patronize me.
and that's putting it very mildly.
when they act condescendingly, roll their eyes or treat me like a small child
when they think i'm going to cry just cuz my feelings got hurt
someone betrayed me, there's problems with stuff,
so what?
there's such a thing as dealing with it- don't have to cry in the open and put on a drama show about it
and what's the big fuss about me driving around at night?
just cuz i'm a girl, doesn't mean that i can't protect myself.
it's not about the petrol or inconvenience, it's about your safety and life.
and just cause i keep quiet, doesn't mean that i'm blind to people using me, or deaf to snide underhand comments.

i know what my limitations and weaknesses are (bossy, temperamental, foulmouth etc.)
but i'm working on it,
until then, don't assume that you know me and try to protect me unless there's consent
cause that just riles me up

then and now

one year ago, certain things happened
my health took a nose dive
one year ago, struggling to deal with my body
amidst worries of the concerned friends
one year ago, how i was scared
thought God had left me all alone then

but one year later, i'm beginning to see the footprints left behind
all the signs to tell me that i wasn't alone
that night in the hospital, when things were just so bad
woke up from the darkness, startled, bewildered yet.....coherent and normal
miraculously Someone brought me back from the brink

one year later, i see how He led me to the right people
my physician throughly dealt with the fears, for he too shared my affliction
the scan came back normal - hallelujah!
though doctor's fees were waived, the other items added up
but thankfully somehow, we were able to claim it
everything was perfect timing,
He ensured that my physician was able to help me, before he took a turn for the worse
even when the acute treatment wasn't helping, He led me to another doctor who could take care of me better
long term prophylatic management
pain in the a**
but helped me
until i was healed


there are some things i still don't understand
but one year later, i'm beginning to see His hand at work
nearly 6 months on from the last episode, and His healing is still there
and even though i struggle with other areas of health and life these days,
His mercies never come to an end, but instead are new every morning.
Great is Your Faithfulness

Fresh Slate

i'm starting all over again
so bear with me,
as it'll take time.

"what's past is past. there is no need to speak of it"

Aslan from Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

thank you

a undescribable, weird feeling just came over me...
and i shivered
undecided
for a moment anguished tears welled up deep down
my heart trembled
my lips quivered
then i quelled it,
and instead was overcome with gratefulness

for someone close to me told me how much she appreciated and loved me
just randomly, out of the blue, for no reason whatsoever
she said "just suddenly felt this overwhelming feeling of love for my dear friend and i seldom get to express/say it to you"
4 words. all in one sentence - overwhelming, love, dear, friend

guess i haven't heard those words for a long time

friendship (for better or for worse)

so i thought i had changed. turns out whatever microscopic changes that happened, were for the worse.
nagging? judging? looking down the nose and acting all hypocritical..
*sigh*
next course of action would be to repent and not do it anymore... but has the damage been done?
"you can't jump into the swimming pool without getting wet"
if i could turn back time, i would so that i woulnd't have said what i said, or acted what how i did, but i can't. and i think i might have impaired another friendship again *double sigh*

for the friendship that i thought was lost, has since been restored, and i'm extremly grateful for that -never knew how much it meant

the friendships that began long ago and lasted over a decade (one 15 years, the other 10 years), my dearest Shern Ai, Wai Ying and Pei San. though we went into "hibernation", the mere once-off gathering reactivated the whole thing. honestly i miss your prescence, your comforting words, your hilarious actions, all the teasing that went around, the honesty taht was so evident.
Kui Tien with eyes that twinkled with mischief, used to participate in de nonsensical discussions, teased me to bits, but always looked out for me. the wise words that came out from his serious and humble side made an impression. who could forget the moments we had especially with Jason, in the labs-the two mad scientist at work *hahahaha* even later when we grew up and parted ways, you always looked out for me. now you've gone away to start a new life elsewhere and i wish you all the best.
God knows, i really really miss you guys a lot.

of course the friendships that i've forged here.
my 2 housemates, su wen & vivian -took care of me, music coming from every room, hanging out, all the talks etc
chris, ben and gary - you guys have seen me serious and crazy, crying and doubling over with laughter. kept me in check when necessery and making sure that i'm alright. all the fights, and chats at McD, mamak and whereever else.
syaima - the laughing pill (in my case lar), one who inspires you to be more fit and one who will come to your defence when needed
mau ren & kiki - poking fun and protecting each other, your caring for me is cherished. you guys never fail to put a smile on my face.
ji keon, sue wern, shehara - make me do my best, help me see things in a different light, never afraid of standing by me or giving a gentle reprimand. plus your warmness is cherished
min chiee and sisca - my two huggies :) you watch out and love me.
jia lin, joo, fitri - though i wasn't exactly in ur circle, thanks for accepting me in
DOTA gang- yes i dislike being the noob and i hate being pawned endlessly. but all in all, we had great fun
my COP cell and friends - ShaeLynn, Wei Ming, Bing and kids, Tommy, Hui Lai, Alyssa, Shien, Agnes, Wan Yean, Naresh, William, Christopher, Tracy, Alvin Ong, Tze Shuen, Tze Yang, Han Ten, Nicholas, Samuel, Charles, Alicia and baby Nathan, Diana, Dah Ching and baby Neko.

thank you

beautiful moments

walked into cold storage and found affordable FRESH blueberries *how rare is that!* grabbed a box and slowly savoured them over 2 days. they were gorgeus and tasted so beautiful...
now i know what Lucy Montgomery meant when she wrote"..... eyes like blueberries"
with all the richness and allure found in every tint and shade - definitely an experience i'll never forget.

watched an episode of House, season 3 bout O&G. just warmed the cockles of my heart :)

sitting down, and just talking amongst the three of us. sharing bout ourselves.

getting my curtains back from the laundromat

seeing the joy on their faces when they've received great news and with the people that they love

clerking pts and guardians. seeing the infant smile and laugh as i try my best not to upset them.

finally being able to sleep.

pondering

Sitting down at dinner today
Just chilling out while waiting
Suddenly I realised
Everyone’s changed so much
Within these past few months,
Subtle changes like extra adipose, tanned skin, different hairstyle
Not just physically, but also in mannerisms

But within that startling revelation
Something small whispered
And as I looked with new eyes
Interested as I was
My heart ached for a tiny bit


Not much time left…………

growl

tis very hard trying to be good (much less being good)
but stillllllll

not my will, but Your's be done

very tough bar to follow :S
dear God, help me

it's not by might nor power but by Your Spirit

(and hence going on from there..)
Your love,

Your grace,

Your mercy.


It's You and You alone

of festivals, JB and inner musings

right it's been rather long since the last update
so first things first...

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR to everyone who celebrates it (which is nearly everyone i know =p)

even though the wish's tad belated,... still matters that i remembered to wish y'all right???

as the last post said - i was sick. for about 1 week. thank God i'm fine now =)

anyhow... i'm back in JB. came down a couple of days ago with Mau Ren and his family.

JB has changed a bit. there's some road development thingy going on in front of Samudera along the coastal route. so lots of earth everywhere. and quite a few trees either poisoned or chopped off around.. even the ones in the royal cemetery ( although why they do that beats me.. i mean it's not like one's going to build roads THERE?!)
fogging also going on regularly outside the hospital - last year they used to do it monthly or bimonthly around the hostels... now they're doing it on a weekly basis in all the housing estates. shows how serious they're about tackling the Dengue and Chikungunya spike. of course if they had done it earlier, the spike wouldn't be there. but one can never say cuz if they'd fog more often, then maybe the mosquitos would have become resistant??! but yeah... prevention better than cure.. and of course better late than never.

Oh yes! Wind's become unusually strong- and by strong i mean strong. I think last year you'd probably hear the howling and screeching of the wind once in a blue moon, porbably increasing towards the end of year. but now- everyday, the wind roars and howls as it blows ferociously around. leaving the windows and doors open, means you hear it every hour. Stronger winds also means that it's colder. But on the other side, stronger winds means better ventilation, faster drying of laundry and there's no need to on the fans to air the place, thus reducing electricity bill. better ventilation also helps with spring cleaning, specifically reducing dust for which my nose is very thankful for. Plus i do get sit out on the balcony more often (like i'm doing now) which means i get more fresh air, which is what the doctor recommended (literally!)

About the CIQ complex and stuff.... i haven't checked it out yet so i wound't know. but traffic along Jalan Wong Ah Fook has improved quite a bit. it's more smooth and less of a bottleneck pace.

At home, tis very quiet...been busy cleaning my room and the kitchen. unpacking clothes and books. doing laundry, washing bedsheets and ironing clothes (goodness i sound like a proper lil housewife now *bleuek*) interrupted with interludes of watching tv. in a way, i'm kinda glad that i have this opportunity to just be alone - calm, relaxing and meditating.

the whole hustle and bustle of year 4 will start in 2.5 days. and i don't know what to expect. interestingly i don't have a new year resolution- never had one actually. well back to the topic. i don't know what to expect but i do know to expect something.
something is happening. what it is i don't know. where, when and how it's going to happen i dont' know. in fact i don't know anything about it. but something is definitely happening. and i'm waiting cuz i can somehow feel the slightest hint of a breeze on my face. could be a friendly wind that blows my way and lead the sun in. or it could be the first sign of a storm.

something happened.
something is happening.
something is going to happen.

waiting
and
"arise"


p.s. don't bother trying to understand what i just wrote. especially the last part. cuz i don't think i understand either. just thoughts all over the place.

s.i.c.k.

=(

i detest being sick!
four days already, 2 days of medication
and still nothing

first it was a sore throat, then lethargy with a blocked nose and headache, followed by all the hard sticky stuff i.e. mucus becoming less sticky and more fluidy and now i'm coughing fit to vomit blood
voice has gone deeper- me thinks i've permanantly lost my higher range and gone alto *wait- what higher range? oh yes, i'd forgotten about the higher range because i lost it due to the dentist!!!!!*
forgive me but that's what a sleepless night and coughing like mad does to yours truly - CRANKY

don't help that i followed Jo March's footsteps and got myself a nice curly crop which is still thick :(

really, i'm a lousy patient, and a "....lousy medico who really can't take care of herself" said ppl

me hates being sick, period.

BLAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

of conversations, boredom and moments

su wen asked me a very good question just now...
how do u feel about year 4?
my answer was.... dunno la...
i feel *blergh* about year 4 and i feel *blergh* about the holidays as well
don't get me wrong,
things HAVE changed for the better in certain ways...
but i'm tired of watching movies and HOUSE,
tired of running around doing errands
tired of playing DOTA
tired of reading storybooks
however, i'm still can never get tired of walking around the block, with all the trees and the flowers at every nook and corner, the voices of children and familiar faces audible, and the clear crisp wind blowing in your face at every step...
i can also never get tired of strolling around Parade... the smells still vividly remind me of Waverly Gardens and Glen Waverly; nor do i resent the joy i have when i don't have to decide what to eat, cuz food is all prepared and laid out on the table for me =)

wish that i could have spent some time teaching this year, but classes start early and so i can't spare the time to do so - a month's work is the minimum period required for a sub
my hopes of taking dancing classes this year also were dashed due to financial restrictions

twas nice when i went out for the day with Shern Ai and Wai Ying, haven't had as much fun in a long time as i had that day... a fact which i puzzled over, until i realised that it's cuz we were so close "kindred spirits" that any gesture, nuance, look and word could crack us up. our frequnecies were very similiar....plus the spiritual and emotional bond that us three girls had is something that i don't have at the moment. of course there isn't any denying that the friends i've made in med school are one of a kind and are close to me too- Su Wen, Vivian, Syaima, Min Chiee, Sisca, Chris, Gary, Ben, Ji Keon, Mau Ren, DOTA gang and everyone else in my class- i suppose i just wish that i had a similiar person to have that mutually encouraging and uplifting spiritual bond with.. dun even know how to express myself in this..

anyway, life still goes on, and God is still there for me so yeah.


random question but i have to ask it :-

WHAT DO NORMAL PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY HAVE VACATIONS??????


apparently i'm not normal so i can't answer this....
and cus i can't answer it, i hereby tag everyone who reads this to post a reply on their blog or MSN *hehehehehehe*

CompassionArt

Mission: try and do something about the plight of the poorest of humanity
through songs
Dream: gather some of the best-known writers in the gospel/Christian music
scene and spend the week writing songs that could impact these issues on a
long-term basis.
Who's involved: (songwriters) Michael W. Smith, Darlene Zschech, Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, Tim Hughes, Paul Baloche, Israel Houghton, Graham Kendrick, Steven Curtis-Chapman, Andy Park, Stu Garrard, Martin Smith (7 guest vocalists)- Kirk Franklin, Amy Grant, Joel Houston, Leeland Mooring, Christy Nockels, tobyMac, CeCe Winans
What happened: From January 7th to 11th 2008, in Scotland, 13 people
gave something of themselves for a big cause. CompassionArt was born,
a charity dedicated to seeing works of art generate income for the poorest of
the poor. So the songs that were written in Scotland will be owned by the
charity meaning that every penny will come to it and the trust will own these
copyrights forever. The publishers, the managers, the agents and the writers
have waived all their rights to see something historic happen, the music
business coming together for something great, something that is about something
greater than any individual could achieve.

Martin & Anne Smith (the couple who came up with this plan)

I WANT TO GET THIS ALBUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update

2008 has come and gone ... behold it's 2009 already

but though i'm not in the blogging mood at the moment, so many things have happened that i must chronicle them before it's too late.

1. Weddings

ABC*** and XYZ***, my dearest friends from Melbourne got engaged early 2008 and got married end of November in Koh Samui, surrounded by dear ones and close friends. Though i was asked to play at the weddding, my final paper kinda screwed things up. BUT at least i have the wedding invititation (in a form of passport! *how creative is tat*) and the Facebook photos :)

Eugene's sister, Jaclyn-my senior- also got engaged last year. Wedding's to be in KL during the summer hols. Guess i won't have time to catch up with Gene and the rest of the gang when they're busy with wedding plans and all

I got a huge shock when i opened my facebook after the December trip. One of my classmates whom i know personally but haven't seen in a year, is getting married this Saturday in KL. mixed feelings actually...

shock - cuz this is totally unexpected news from her.

happiness- cuz this is something beautiful. God's blessed her with an amazing God-fearing guy who is totally in love with her. and maybe this could somehow solve the unfortunate mix of circumstances that she's currently in?

Esther's biology tutor, a recently graduated doctor, Ben Shern is also getting married this month to a non-med person.

With all the silver bells ringing in the air, i wish every couple my heartiest felicitations and pray that God's love and prescence will be there and guide them through this new phase of their life.

2. Celebrity next door ?!
Nicolette Ng, my immediate neighbour was crowned the winner of season 2 Nivea's Ultimate Prom night King/Queen. She charmed judges with an amaing combination of confidence, beauty and brains. Congratulations Nicole!!!!! (She's the girl on the far right)

3. Ailments

Unfortunately, ABC (yes the very same person stated above whose name has been declassified to protect confidentiality) got a health scare soon after the wedding. There had been some purplish bruises and upon going for a blood test, she was rushed to the hospital due to a very low platelet count (her's was 5,000- normal is 150,000-400,000). After monitoring and careful observation, she was given yet another crippling diagnosis- antiphopholipid syndrome, with the doctors labelling the attack that had put her into hospital as ITP (idiopathic thrombocytic purpura). However, the amazing thing about this turn of events was that despite her platelets being so dangerously low, God took care of her and protected her until she got into hospital (other than the bruises-she was assymptomatic). And yes, people wonder how can so many bad things happen to her ( ABC has hemolytic anaemia too). BUT through out this whole mess, i;m so glad that she's been holding onto God more than ever. The church and the neighbourhood is continuining to keep her and her family in prayer. And thank God, the healing process has slowly but surely started- her platelets have started to increase :) So yes, thank God for his wonderful mercies each and every day. and do keep her in prayer(even if you don't know who she is, God knows)

4. post Dec trip

i'm back home, lazing around if i'm not running around doing family errands. catching up on reading, piano, and watching TV/VCDs. The trip overall was *interesting*. I came back jet lagged, tanner, 4-7kg heavier, had lotsa mosquito bitemarks and a bad flare up of acne. there was good times (like playing with my niece and nephew or shopping), there were bad times and there were times when i felt that i was on a mission trip -got a few more nicknames and experineced some weird things. One thing's for sure - God definitely protected us throughout the trip, with all the flights (bumpy landings and heightened security amid fears of terrorist attacks) and even on the roads... there was this one road trip where the driver was soooooo sleepy, you could see the car slowly moving to the left from time to time. his reflexes was very delayed and his judgement was seriously impaired, he actually pulled the car aside 3 times, twice to wash his face and once to nap for 10 minutes. it didn't help that the roads were extremely bad cuz we were going through rural areas . It was a miracle we reached our destination alive!!! Dad and i sat trhough the whole trip praying for dear life cuz we were so scared that we were going to die. but thank God we didn't. Definitely glad to be back home.

i guess that's it for now then.