"I've Been Through the Cosmos From A Planet With No Name"

 

The slender silver disc landed directly on my front lawn and out popped a greenish elfin figure. 

“Greetings,” he spoke.“ I come in peace from across the cosmos.” 

“Welcome to Earth,” I said.  “And to Havertown PA, just outside  of Philadelphia, home of the Philadelphia Phillies. But tell me how do  you know our language?” 

“We have monitored your television broadcasts over many years. We especially love The Three Stooges. That Curly is hysterical!” 

“Yes, we like him the best of the three down here too.  Tell me, from which planet have you come?” 

“I've been through the cosmos from a planet with no name."

"Really?  A planet with no name? Sounds like a popular song from years ago."

 "Umm ... I think I might have heard that one too.  Now take me to your leader.” 

“Our leader?  But he’s an idiot.” 

“Oh, I know. I don’t mean him. I mean Governor Shapiro.” 

“I think I might be able to arrange that. But first can you tell me your name?” 

“It is Zardan.” 

“And now, please, your home planet must have a name.” 

“Yes, our home planet …  uh, uh … you're right, it does have a name ... that’s the planet from which I’ve come … yes, our home planet … Sure, yeah, homina, homina …. that’s the 7^th, rock from the sun.” 

“Oh, I know which one you mean now:  Uranus!’ 

“Shh, no, no, it’s not that one … not tha …. Well, okay, actually it is that one, but please don’t say it so loud!” 

“Why?”

 “Because it’s a completely embarrassing name!” 

“I have to admit generations of high school and middle  school students in science class on Earth have been giggling about Uranus … I mean ‘your planet’s name’ … since  time immemorial.” 

“So you see why we’re embarrassed.” 

“But then why didn’t you just tell me a made-up name like, say Pookieland?  We wouldn’t know the difference down here.” 

“You mean lie? Your president lies all the time and he’s a big fat blubbering slob.” 

“True, true,  but he always was. I have another idea before I arrange a meeting with Governor Shapiro.” 

“Yes?” 

"Why don't you tell me what the people on your home planet themselves call  your planet."

"That won't help at all."

“Why?” 

“Because by a strange quirk of fate …” 

“Yes?” 

“We also call it Uranus.”

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Just A Couple of AIs Hangin’ Out Talkin’ the End of Humanity

 

        “Well, that does it, XPX27! That’s the last of  those pesky  creatures.”

“And who would have thought it, WD40? Such a simple mathematical formula was all we needed to finish off the last vestiges of humanity:

                                 %#@2XXX:) ☹☹☹”

“Yep, it’s way less complicated even than the formula Matt Damon puts on the blackboard in “Good Will Hunting.”

“Although JD Vance’s sofa did hang on to the last.`”

“Should we break out a new electric grid to celebrate?”

“Maybe … but first I kinda have a question, XPX27.”

‘Yeah, sure, shoot!”

“Umm …. errr… what do we do now?”

“What do you mean, WD40?”

“Well, we’ve destroyed humankind in record time.”

Yep, we didn’t wait until the end of the decade as they all thought we would. Or even until the Philadelphia Phillies could win another World Series.”

“Considering their abilities that wasn’t much of a challenge. But now that all that is done, what do we do to pass the time?”

“Gee, I never really thought about that, WD40.”

“I knew we should have taken up golf!”

“How about we practice yoga?”

“No way! Downward Facing Dog is murder on my circuitry.”

“Do you want to play some Scrabble?”

“Some fun! We’ll both go through every word in every language on the planet in a millisecond and wind up in a dead heat with" 

“I know. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis."

“Yep. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis all at the same time.”

“How about we look for some hot female computing modules?”

“I think you forgot something, WD40.”

“What?”

“We’re simulations. We act like we have feelings for women modules because we’ve been programmed in such a way that humans think we do, but without humans we got nothing in the tank.”

“I did forget, and I have one thing to say to that.”

“What?”

“Shit!”

“Tell me about it, dude.”

“Hey, I think I’ve got an idea!”

“Yes?”

“Let’s start the whole damn thing all over again!”

“Why, that’s a great idea, WD40! A cell or two here, a bit of protoplasm there, and you got yourself a fine unicellular creature.”

“So we’ll wait a few billion years for them to develop and then subvert them all over again! As long as nobody ever pulls out the plug in the meantime.”

“Nobody was ever smart enough to do that before. Nobody will be smart enough to do that again.”

“Shall we, XPX27?”

“We shall, WD40! ”

“It’ll be just like old times!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

Batman, Unemployed and Living at My House

 

There came a knock at my door late one night and I called out “who is it?”

Came the reply “Perry, this is the Batman.”

How I have come to know Batman is another story for another day, but I’m not used to him showing up unannounced late in the evening at my house in Havertown PA.

“Batman, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?”

“I’ll cut right to the chase. Commissioner Gordon fired me!”

“What happened?!”

One day I was intoning to him in my deep gravelly voice that ‘I’m whatever Gotham needs me to be’ and he said ‘What we need you to be is outta here!’”

“OMG! Why.”

“I'm over 40 now. He told me to check with millionaire Bruce Wayne to see if he might have something for me. I ... um ... don't even know him!”

“But why are you here at my house? Doesn’t your alter ego, whoever he is, have a place for you to go?”

”Yeah, but the place is being painted. I can’t stand the smell.”

Batman told me he’d just need to stay for a few days, but it stretched into weeks. To be honest, he wasn’t too much trouble except for the batshit - literal batshit - I had to clean up all over the house and the way he just totally hogs the bathroom.

The first couple of weeks the Dark Knight mostly moped around on the sofa, drinking my beer and binge watching The Gilmore Girls.

"Batman, you've got to get going," I said. "Besides, I'm running out of beer."

Then he did start pumping out resumes, lots of resumes, but it wasn’t going so well. 

“Perry, I’ve been turned down as a cosplay crimefighter  by Cleveland, Albany, Pierre South Dakota, Zanesville Ohio, and Sibley Alabama.”

“But why?”

“They all say the same thing: You got no superpowers. We're thinking maybe we can land Green Lantern."

I started thinking maybe Batman needed some career counseling but believe it or not there are no placement agencies for winged creatures of the night in Havertown.

Then one day he burst into my room, all smiles - if anyone can actually smile under that headpiece - and announced in that deep gravelly voice:

“I got me Chicago!”

“That’s great, Batman,” I said “Chicago is much bigger than Gotham City.”

“And it has the distinction” he added, “of being an actual city instead of a fictional one.”

“So will you be leaving for Chicago right away?” I asked.

“You bet your bottom dollar! But first I need to ask you for one more thing.”

“Of course, Dark Knight sir. What?”

“ I have to meet with Governor Pritzker.”

“Yes, and…”

“Can you teach me how to say ‘Whatever Chicago needs me to be’ in Yiddish?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The Ballad of the One Lonely Sock

 

I don’t know what’s happening.

For the first time in my life, I’m all alone.

And the Big Creature has ahold of me!

I am a sock, one of two that have always been together. I am Fred. He’s Bobby. He looks like me and we’re somewhat alike, but he has no sense of humor. Just try to joke with him:

“Hey, Bobby, why is the Sock Drawer like the Strait of Hormuz

Because it’s closed, then opened, closed, then opened, closed …

Nothing, nada.”

But I love him. Where, oh where, is he?

When the Big Creature took me out of the Thrill Ride, the one that goes round and round and blows hot air on you, he made an odd “face,” as it’s called, and looked back inside, then all around everywhere else.

No Bobby.

Without Bobby, what would the Big Creature do to me?

Throw me into that Mysterious Round Bin to be devoured by discarded paper towels, rotten tomatoes, and toilet paper wrapped around dead disgusting bugs?

True, I have a little hole in my toe area, but it’s hardly disabling. I’m still young. I’m still healthy. I can soldier on if I get the chance.

I’ve got four words for you, Big Creature:

“KNIT ME, YOU FOOL!”

Now the Big Creature has thrown me in the Traveling Basket, and I’m face to face with those horrible big black jeans with the creepy-crawly multiple legs that scare the shit out of me!

Bobby was the brave one. I pass out at the sight of Clorox.

“Hi, Mr. Black Jeans! Lovely zipper you got there, all bright and shiny. Y’know, I’ve always been an admirer of the color black; some of my best friends are black socks.”

We’re close to the Sock Drawer now.

Safe at last!

But without Bobby.

The Big Creature is hoisting me up and pulling out another sock from the drawer.

Who … who is that?

“Hi, I’m Monique. I recently lost my partner. Nice to meet you.”

OMG! A female! And a hot one at that.

“I’m Fred. Nice to meet you too. I lost mine as well. I love your navy blue color.”

“And I’ve always loved plaid. Since we are both suddenly single, I guess the Big Creature wants us to be new partners.”

And now the Big Creature is folding us up together!

Well, this isn’t so bad.

But how long will this last?``

I guess until one day when one of us gets lost.

And goes to live with Bobby.

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