Moving...

I went to dance class this morning, its time for me to take back my body from the past year. I haven't been very active in a year, except for intermittently. I went to a dance class last September I think it was, there was a half day of skiing in December, occasional ballet at home using tapes, the daily swimming and running while in Fiji but not really that much overall. I haven't felt up to it.

Now though, its time to get back into the swing of dance practice, my body needs it for flexibility and strength -- it counteracts the computer work and also the whiplash injuries.

I went to a beginning class this morning and I could feel the aches and pains. I wasn't feeling very strong through the warm-up, without strength you don't have control and you can hurt yourself.

The more I moved, the more the past two years...they started to come out, wrap around me, about how this experience came through me and then to me and it hurt me. I could feel it all welling up inside of me -- how did all of that happen to me?

I could tell I reached my emotional limit so I ducked out after the warm-up; my instructor knows what's happened just enough to understand. I started crying as I left the studio.

I feel like I am a tight ball, crouched down protecting myself and holding out. I need to open up slowly and let it all out. I was thinking about how I've been taking back myself through my French class and growing more in my role at work as and owner -- I guess taking back my body is going to take a little longer. I'll have to just keep going until it doesn't hurt any more.

When I came home I told my partner that I really don't want to get pregnant right now. I don't want to deal with another bout of all the badness that comes with miscarriage right now, I'm not in a place to take it on. And being pregnant would only be a huge emotionally loaded distration and I want to focus on work right now. I want to focus on being me and doing that well.

Bad Estrogen

Sounds dramatic doesn't it but there really is estrogen known to be the bad kind, the kind that can lead to cancer. Since I'm not doing acu treatment or chinese herbs right now and its just up to me to try to fix me I decided to do some more research into PMS and estrogen. It's that time of the month (mid-luteal phase) and my breasts are so uncomfortable. The only time I've had real relief for a while was after both pregnancies, I guess due to the pregnancy types of estrogen being dominant then.

So here are some of the links I came across that interested me:

Predictors of the plasma ratio of 2-hydroxyestrone to 16-hydroxyestrone among pre-menopausal, nulliparous women from four ethnic groups

The relationship between physical activity and 2-hydroxyestrone, 16alpha-hydroxyestrone, and the 2/16 ratio in premenopausal women

DIM (Di-Indoly Methane)For Natural Protection from Estrogen's Effects

What I picked out that might relate to me are:

...that since dietary therapy alone hasn't helped, and my mother had PMS as well that there might be a heriditary factor.

...that exercise really might help my body to metabolize the bad estrogen more

...that taking DIM for a while might not be such a bad idea, at least to see if I can detect any changes.

Back from Paradise

So I can now say that if you feel like infertility is getting you down that you haven't been pampering yourself enough and you should make plans to go to Fiji. The people are lovely, the sun and sea and coral are beyond compare, and it's far enough away that you don't find lots of families on vacation -- provided you pick the right island resorts.

I've been happier than I've been in years -- no sign of depression for me (though I've got a touch of PMS right now). All that wonderful sunshine and the warm sea -- we went swimming every day and there was no need for a towel it was so hot every day. My biggest decisions each day would be which bikini to wear and whether or not I wanted a cocktail at happy hour. Sooooo incredibly relaxing.

Oh and here was a thing, my myomectomy incision, the bikini-cut, it fell just below the top edge of my string bikini. How about that? I've never worn a string bikini before but I thought why not start now.

I got lots of exercise as well while on holiday -- running, playing volleyball, swimming, snorkeling, and hiking -- which helped work off some of my fluff. (Some I said, not all)

Seattle is so cold, dark and damp in comparison -- I think I'll just have to move to Fiji and learn how to weave mats.

Fatigued

I know I'm out of shape, since with the miscarriages and surgery and anemia my body was feeling like hell; and then my back was terribly out of alignment as well so that caused further reasons to not want to move. I've been taking my iron for months to try to build up my iron stores but now I need to start dragging my butt out to get it moving to start gaining some more strength and endurance. Also, aerobic activity helps to promote the production of more red blood cells so provided my iron stores are closer to a normal range it should help build my blood oxygen in many ways.

I went skiing yesterday for the first time since 1989. Yes that's right, I haven't been downhill skiing since the 80's. In addition to my known fatigue I also knew that my muscles are a little weaker so I had to pay attention to how tired I was to make sure that I wouldn't injure myself by overdoing it. I only did four runs down the mountain before I finally fell (only once all day!) and decided that it was time to rest. My partner and friend went back out in the afternoon but I just rested in the lodge. On the way back home I was falling asleep in the car (unusual for me) and I went to bed at eight-o'clock and slept for eleven hours. How's that for fatigue?

Here are some links about fatigue that I found:

Fatigue: When to rest, when to worry

Anemia and Fatigue

Anemia Symptoms

Puzzled by fatigue: what can I do when my doctor says my lethargy is caused by stress and that there's nothing wrong with me? … and more of your questions answered here

Precaution Can Be the Best Remedy for Skiing Injuries

I passed a hunk of something this morning. I took a three mile slow walk (I'm am fairly blood deficient right due to the bleeding of the past week now so a fast walk was out of the questions) around the neighborhood last night and that must have done it. It wasn't anything exciting, it mostly looked like a large blood clot but it was denser and more formed than a blood clot. Maybe it was the placental tissue.

I'm going to go for another long walk today with the dog and hopefully whatever else is in there will clear out so my scan will show that I'm done. That would be great as my uterus can then heal and I can get my blood levels back to normal and soon enough we can get a little intimate (it's been a few weeks since we BD).

I've been running/walking a mile each day with my dog for the past couple of weeks. I've been really good about keeping it up. I did fall off the wagon and I had hot cocoa and cheese over the weekend which made me feel awful. I'm not lactose intolerant, its just that my body doesn't like taking milk -- it causes more stagnation in my system. I'm trying to be good again and not slide off into my bad dietary habits. Want to know what they are? Well either way, I'm going to tell you -- they fall among the following:



not drinking enough fluids throughout the day

not eating breakfast

not eating breakfast and not eating lunch until after 2:30pm

eating chocolate when I have skipped breakfast and eaten lunch late

eating simple carbs and not enough protein or veggies

not going to the bathroom right away and holding it in (i have an aversion for public bathrooms, it is a problem)



My weekend... My partner's other brother is in town, visiting from France with his girlfriend. We spent a lot of time with them, they leave tomorrow afternoon. We were over at my SIL's house on Sunday and I boldly chose to stay behind with her when everyone else went to lunch, I figured that since she is staying home with the two little ones all the time this might help give her a break and make it so she wasn't feeling left behind. We chatted and eventually the conversation turned to my miscarriage. It was a very difficult and emotional conversation for us both and we both cried. She didn't understand why I couldn't talk to her for 6 months since my partner said I was fine (which wasn't true) -- she was a week behind me in getting her BFP so it was very difficult for me to see her. It was hard for me to have to open it up and explain it to her, but it had to be done as it was unresolved between us. I didn't tell her the nasty things, the really awful feelings I had along the way -- such as hating her, wishing her baby would die too, thinking she was selfish for only trying to reach out to me once. It is normal, I'm not the only one who has felt that way but I can't tell her that stuff. I told her instead that you worry enough when you are pregnant and that I didn't want her to see the dark side of pregnancy -- which is partially true as well.

She told me she was glad that I was accepting of my niece and that ultimately the pregnancy meant nothing -- we both agreed that, but I told her I just didn't need the constant reminders of the baby I wasn't having, the pregnancy that had failed.

As for the prospect of a c-section delivery, I am trying to be true to myself and at the same time true to the situation and reality. My fibroid was preventing me from getting pg and I had to have it out if I want to have babies. Having it out changed the situation for delivery and since I've gone to such extremes to "make room for baby" I should just relax about it and focus on getting pg firstmost and then getting the best surgeon I can find and get along with.

I've been feeling a lot better over the past week though energy-wise so I've started running/walking with my dog each day around 5:30 or 6pm, right before the sun goes down. It really helps clear my head and help my body shift gears from work. The furthest I can run is 2 blocks but then we walk -- my dog and I are getting more exercise though this way than just walking and she (old girl that she is at 14 1/2) is loving it. I've also been practicing my qigong and doing acupressure to help with my stagnation.