Santa Abe is coming to rock the town!

Oh my gosh, this has to be the funniest video I've ever seen! This is my older brother Abe performing live with his 1st grade class. Hilarious. Hopefully, even if you don't know Abe you'll still find this half as funny as I do!

Best Christmas Special EVER!

Growing up, my favorite Christmas special wasn't Grinch, Frosty, or one of the many psychadelic reincarnations of Rudolph. It was "Claymation Christmas."

My family taped this on VHS (we were the first people I know who had a VCR - I think my dad paid like a thousand bucks for it!) and watched it over and over.

I'm starting a petition to submit to the big networks to get this movie back on their Christmas schedules! Sign my petition by leaving a comment, or let me know what your favorite Christmas TV special is!

I couldn't resist...

Since the only person who reads my blog is my wife anyway, I'll indulge her one more to help keep our 2-year-old happy...

Non-Crappy Starring You! eCards on JibJab

Why the heck not?

Are you sick of these gimmicky movies where you add your own heads? Me neither! Our little boy Luke could watch this a million times, and I could too!

Long Time No See

It's been quite awhile since I was posting regularly on this blog. I really do enjoy keeping this online journal of my thoughts. Believe me, this blog isn't bare because of a lack of stupid thoughts and opinions on my part. Unfortunately, I, like probably 90% of other bloggers, have just been unable to find the time to keep it up. If I did have more time, here's a sampling of what my latest posts might have been.

• Have you seen this nifty gadget yet? Note to friends: I have a birthday coming up...
  
• How did the Jazz lose to the crappy Knicks? Why didn't New York fire Isaiah years ago when I told them to? Isn't anyone at Madison Square Garden reading my blog?
  
• If I could afford it, I would buy a Nintendo Wii. That is, if I could get my hands on one. Why are they still so hard to find? C'mon Nintendo! I hate when companies try to keep the demand higher than the supply.
  
• Even though Utah did give up that 1st down on 4th and 18 during the rivalry game, I and every other Ute fan will always feel the game hinged on a few bad calls by the officials and not the good play of the team down South.
  
• I've already done almost all of my Christmas shopping, and it's not even December 1st yet!
• Speaking of Christmas, our house is more decorated than ever, with lights outside, and now 2 Christmas trees inside (honestly, thank you McKays). As Charlie Brown would say, "Oh Brother." Once you go ape on the Christmas decorations, there's no going back.
  
• Have you checked out this site yet?
• My brother Jacob is now engaged! He was starting to become a menace to society. Congrats Buckster!
  
• Hope you had a good Thanksgiving. The myth about something in the turkey making you sleepy isn't necessarily true.
• And saving the best for last, here's my family after we "got elfed." Hilarious stuff.
  

Happy Halloween

I personally believe that this Halloween is the best ever and such as. U.S. Americans should be grateful, because in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as they don't have Halloween, and I believe that they should our Halloween over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for.

Hot Dog Blog

Here it is, my 2nd post about hot dogs. (To read the 1st post click here).

If you ever find yourself in Salt Lake around 3rd West and 21st South with an insatiable craving for a hot dog and a soda, please follow my advice... For goodness sakes, DON'T GO TO COSTCO...GO TO SAM'S CLUB! Must I shake and yell at you to get this message through to your tiny brain?

My friend Chad and I recently visited both to compare, and I do not want to keep the valuable information we discovered locked up with us. It's just too important when food is at stake.

I always thought the job of food columnist sounded cool, perhaps this is the closest I'll ever get. Here's the breakdown...

At lunchtime, Sam's Club is significantly less busy (and therefore cleaner). Sam's club offers a bigger 32 oz. soda (compared to 20 oz. @ Costco), and offers the fun-to-chomp pellet ice (Costco has just standard boring ice). Granted, this could change, but on the day of our test the employees at Sam's Club were definitely friendlier. At Sam's Club, you don't have to ask for the secret stash of highly-guarded sauerkraut, it's right there on the counter for the taking. And if you get the hankerin' for a churro, it will only set you back 50 cents instead of $1 (although after further evaluation - Costco's $1 churro is far superior to Sam's Club's 50-cent churro).

And if you're still unconvinced, this last one should do the trick... At Sam's Club, they accept your debit card at the food register. At Costco, if you don't have cash, you're screwed. You either have to go to the ATM and pay the ever-growing fee, or wait in that merciless line behind the old lady who still writes checks or the guy who's buying 37 watermelons.

PS. Even if you don't have a membership, they'll still let you in to eat.

LDS Hospital Sucks - Okay they don't totally suck but do suck compared to other hospitals when a birth goes well

I've been trying to come up with a more clever title to this post and haven't been able to. There's just no other way to put it. After being told by numerous people how great LDS Hospital is, I have to respectfully disagree.

Max was supposed to be born (at least Jana was supposed to be induced) on Monday the 17th. But because the hospital was "full" they couldn't schedule us until Wednesday the 19th. Okay, no big deal. I only have a miserably pregnant wife with crazy hormones who's been gearing up to this one day circled on the calendar for months. We'll just go in first thing Wednesday morning.

When I called Wednesday morning I was told "Sorry. We're not going to be able to fit you in until the afternoon." So we dropped Luke off at Grandmas and finally saw The Simpson's Movie, which on a sidenote was quite funny. After the movie I called the hospital again. "We're still not ready for you. Go see a movie or something." "I just saw a movie," I explained. "Well, go see another one." So back in to the theatre we went and saw The Bourne Supremacy. On a side note - another good flick. Nearly 3 hours and another phone call later, I get the old "Don't call us, we'll call you" routine. At this point Jana was in tears. Would we ever get in?

Finally Thursday at 5:30 a.m. our phone rings and they're ready for us. It reminded me of the scene from Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry goes to the doctor with an appointment only to be seen after the person who had a later appointment because it was first-come first-served. If you've seen it you know what I'm talking about. My point is, what's the purpose of having an appointment if you can't honor it?

So things went pretty well until Jana was in enough pain to request the epidural. "Sorry, the anesthesiologist is in with an emergency c-section. It could be awhile," the nurse explained. Is it just me, but shouldn't a hospital this size in the middle of the day on a weekday have more than one anesthesiologist? So nearly an hour of unplanned excruciating pain later, she got her epidural.

Okay, no big deal. You're reading this post and you don't have much sympathy for us. That's fine, because all of this to this point seems reasonably understandable.

But finally Max was born. What a miracle. It was an awesome experience that we felt would never arrive. After holding him for a few minutes they took him to the nursery. I followed the nurse and when Max had a good temperature she encouraged, actually pretty much told me to take him to our room. You see, there were probably 5 or 6 other babies who had been born within a few minutes of Max. They had their hands full. Understandable.

So I take him to our room and we enjoy him for almost 4 hours before a nurse finally comes in and says "Okay, we're ready to get your baby's weight and length now. Oh, and we also have to give him a shot right away because it was supposed to have been given within an hour of birth." It had been nearly 4 hours! We didn't even know our baby's weight!

So I followed the nurse back to the nursery. Making casual conversation on the way I said something to the effect of "September is probably a busy time for you guys." "No, it's always this way," she said with a straight face.

In the meantime, I requested a cot to sleep on because the recliner in our room was broken and didn't recline. More than 2 hours and probably 5 requests later they told me they're out of cots. To their credit, about an hour later (about 2 a.m.) they found one for me.

The next morning Jana was in a lot of pain and requested some pain medication. 52 minutes later her nurse came in with her medication.

Anyway, the point of all of this is that yes, if anything were to have gone wrong we were probably at the right place. LDS Hospital is equipped and ready. But if everything goes well, LDS Hospital sucks. When we had Max at Lakeview Hospital in Bountiful it felt like we were the only ones there. We had constant attention and love. At LDS, we were neglected and ignored. But hey, I have a healthy cute baby so what am I complaining about?

Proud Papa

Most people reading this blog probably know me and have seen some of these pictures already, but I don't giveadamn (not a swear if used as one word). I have the cutest 2 boys on the face of the earth and show them off I will!

Max Willis was born September 20th at 8:15 p.m. He came in at 7lbs 4 ounces and is 20 1/2 inches long.

We all love him, especially Luke. He gives him lots of scary-tight hugs and kisses him constantly. He's always right up in Max's face wanting to touch his eyes. Needless to say, we've got our hands full keeping an eye on them, but it's so much fun and definitely worth it.

Little Miss Idiot

I run the serious risk of offending my neighbor, good friend and ex-pageant participant Brittany with this post, but hey, I'm entitled to my opinion and I've never been one to keep my mouth shut when I have one. And the above clip reminded me exactly how much I hate pageants. Let me count the reasons...

1. Tara Conner - She's a drunk who was seen at a bar making out with Miss Teen USA (allegedly). What's not to like, right? After all, one of the main reasons people justify these pageants is so our kids will have women to look up to.

2. Swimsuit competitions - While I admit I don't not like looking at fit girls in tight swimsuits, what better way is there to respect women than to put them on display like they're cattle at the state fair?

3. Donald Trump (Owner of Miss USA) - Even though I like him more than Rosie, that still doesn't mean I like him. The guys been married 3 times... shows you what kind of respect he must have for the opposite sex. No wonder he owns a beauty pageant.

4. Little Miss Sunshine Syndrome - Little Miss Sunshine is a very funny movie (although perhaps slightly overrated) that is very honest in its depiction of just how far the parents of "pageant kids" can push. Hey, I'm not against playing dress-up, but every time I see a story on JonBenet Ramsey it makes me throw up in my mouth, not just because she was murdered but because throughout her short life she was forced to be something other than a normal little girl.

5. Miss Congeniality 2 - I don't really have much to say about this. Just that it ranks right up on my list of favorite movies with Jungle 2 Jungle, Bicentennial Man, and Fast & the Furious. Can I have my 2 hours back please?

6. Comparing Apples & Oranges - What better way to find out who's more talented than letting person A dance, person B sing, and person C do a magic show? It's the same reason I watch American Idol and NOT America's Got Talent. It's meaningless.

So there you have it. Now you now know my stance. I can't think of anything more Christian than having a contest where we compare people and declare that one is better than the rest. Ridiculous.

To catch... a nose picker

"I think there is something you should know... I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. We've been watching you. We've seen you picking your nose when stopped in traffic. How do you explain yourself?"

Yes, this very well could be the next in Dateline's "To Catch a" series. They branched out from doing what I've already deemed good work catching perverts to also catching identity theives. Ok, that's fine. But Dateline\tocatch_an i-Jacker was just too much.

If you missed it, in NBC's latest attempt at "creating journalism" (an oxi-moron in an of itself), Dateline planted brand new iPods on park benches and just left them there until people took them. Then they tracked those people down and Chris Hansen confronted them as if they had just asked a 12-year old for sex.

Great job Dateline, way to cheapen the entire "To catch a.." franchise. I found myself actually rooting for many of the so-called "bad guys." They took iPods off of park benches. Call me what you want, but if I stumbled upon a brand new iPod just sitting on a park bench with no owner in sight, "boink!" Hello, free iPod!

C'mon NBC, you can do better.

Wanna feel my tummy?

My wife is 7 months pregnant. I also am 7 months pregnant. I've gained almost 20 lbs. this pregnancy (not unlike the last). Today I start a diet and exercise program that I hope lasts longer than a week. Perhaps by posting it here, I'll have that much more incentive to stick to it.

I spent nearly a good half hour last night feeling my wife's tummy, watching it jump up and down with a little baby inside. "The time has come," I thought to myself as I buckled down for 20 minutes of entertainment I honestly hadn't been looking forward to.

A general observation: girls always ask guys to feel their bellies much too early in the pregnancy. After a dozen failed times obliging you with our hands on one of our least favorite female body parts, it gets old. By the time there's actually something substantial to see and feel, we're bored with the idea.

And even though it is a miracle and all, the more I think about it the more grossed out I get. You have a parasitic leech living inside your body, sucking out nutrients, growing bigger with each passing day. It reminds me of a different, less touching Schwarzenegger movie (see below).

Other than all of that, if I try not to think too hard about it, it actually is pretty cool. And if it makes the wife happy, then I'll sit and watch her belly for hours.

But I, like her, can't wait until this pregnancy is over. Hey Max, if you want to come a little early, mommy and daddy won't be mad.

Man vs. Man vs. Wild

I recently have gotten caught up in the world of survival shows. It's probably because there is absolutely nothing else to watch on TV these days. Anyway, the question that inevitably surfaces in my mind is this... Who is better, Les (from Surviorman) or Bear (from Man vs. Wild)?

Bear has the cooler name, is willing to eat dead animals raw, urinates on his shirt and wears it, has a cool British accent and according to Wikipedia climbed Mount Everest at age 23. His show is definitely flashier, engaging even the most casual viewer. But at times, the show feels contrived, almost planned out to the last river Bear crosses or cliff he repels down. And who's to say that when the camera shuts off, he's not scarfing down a sandwich that was tucked away in the cameraman's pocket?

And while Les could also hide his own ham sandwiches, he has the "alone factor." He doesn't have a 2-man camera crew following him around all the time. The added element of loneliness alone could drive someone mad. And if he were to get into real (not made-for-TV) trouble, he doesn't have someone to go for help. While at any time either man could perish and die Steve-Irwin style, Les obviously runs the higher risk. And don't forget he can also play the crap out of a harmonica.

So if you were wondering who I prefer, Bear or Les, now you know. And you know you were wondering.


7/25/07 Update: My suspicions were correct! Bear is a fraud! Click here!

Farewell Barker

In honor of Bob Barker's retirement, I'll post a poem I wrote about The Price is Right back in March of '02.

A Kiss from Bob
I’ll never forget mom’s face
when Mr. Roddy did her the honor.
COME ON DOWN!

For seeming slow motion she sure did get down there quick.

All the hard work, the customized t-shirt, the 14-hour drive, the cheap motel, the last-minute lipstick stop.

All
worth it.

The Eurekaâ power steam cleaner didn’t even fit in the trunk.
Too much luggage.
We tied it on the roof.
It didn't really matter. She’d only bid a dollar anyway.

And even though she didn’t win the car,
or spin a dollar on the wheel,
she went home with exactly
what she wanted.

On a more serious note, please help control the pet population by having your dog or cat spayed or neutered.

Rainy days and Mondays

Today is a rainy day AND a Monday. So if ever there was a time to be down, Miss Carpenter, it's today.

I just passed reverend al sharpton (I refuse to capitalize his name) in the hall. After all that's gone on, it's ironic that he's doing his radio show today from the studios of KSL - a subsidiary of the church. I did not say hello nor did I make eye contact. Not worth it.

My co-worker Ched (name changed to protect identity) said he wanted to "shoot him in the head... with words."

If I could shoot words from a gun, here's the words I'd choose as ammunition: banana, library, kleenex, dragon (would attempt to breath fire while saying), yellow #5, zeppelin. And maybe stapler. That'd hurt.

If I were to name a gun that shoots words I would probably name it shnoutler. Or mouth.

Dream Job

Not too long ago I was a poor college student with dreams of being a news journalist. There was one slight problem - I discovered that as much as I loved writing and reading news, I didn't so much like collecting news. Journalism class after journalism class, I still couldn't help but feel I was annoying people by making them answer my sometimes trivial questions. And while I occasionally like to annoy my wife for fun, I don't think I could ever do it for a living.

Thanks to The Onion, today could be the day I finally solve my dilemma and start to live out my dream. Why haven't I thought of this before? No citing sources, just make up your own sources! No having to chase stories, just make up your own!

I'm debating whether to send in my resume for their job opening in New York City, or whether to start my own version of The Onion here in Salt Lake. Or maybe, I'll even do neither! If anyone out there in webworld knows if there are local versions of The Onion, let me know so I can rip them off! And if you have story ideas, be sure to submit them to me so I can take credit for them!

Homer Simpson is a real person

I couldn't help myself... I had to post this picture of someone's depiction of Homer Simpson as a real person. Gosh it's hideous.

If my counting is correct, there are only 115 days left until "The Simpsons Movie" comes out. And while I don't enjoy The Simpsons as much as I used to, I do feel like I appreciate it now more than ever. The show has been a staple in our society for nearly 20 years.

I could write an entire dissertation on how The Simpsons has influenced the culture of the entire world. Even when I was in Portugal, the Simpsons always seemed to be on in reruns. And the merchandise was everywhere. Heck, I even stole my blog name "It takes two people to lie... one to lie and one to listen," from something Homer told Marge.

Whether this influence is for good or bad is for you to judge. If you asked my mom, she'd say it's for bad. The show glorifies alcoholism, stupidity, nudity, disobedience, and unsafe maintenance of nuclear power, just to name a few. But in my opinion, the show manages to maintain an underlying sense of dignity and goodness. It gives average Joes like me the hope of living the American dream. And best of all and perhaps most importantly - it makes us laugh.

The death of DRM?

Great news today... If you're a loyal reader you know I've posted more than once about DRM and the crippling of music. Well, today EMI and iTunes struck an agreement that might be the beginning of the end!

Zipadeedoodaa!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Excuse my Ren & Stimpy humor just for this post... but I've found human urination to be VERY funny lately (but maybe not so much when I phrase it "human urination"). Pee seems to have suddenly become a hot topic. If not hot, definitely warm. (hee hee)

My hilarious Pee Timeline:
A few weekends ago, I saw the above ad on SNL.

Last weekend, I had some friends over for a BBQ at my house and the conversation was stuck for the longest time on how one of my buddies consistently urinates for longer than 60 seconds. Have you ever timed yourself? I rarely reach half a minute. Now you know.

Then yesterday in the Salt Lake Tribune, there was this story about a man from Sandy who got a free airline ticket for peeing into an airsickness bag.

And then I check out my friend Joe's blog this morning to see his latest post is dedicated to pee. Apparently he's found that the majority of people who stumble on his blog are perverts wanting to see pictures of people peeing themselves.

So there you have it, my first post entirely dedicated to pee. Here's a mountain-dew toast to many more!

Office improvements

Thinking too hard makes my heart hurt. Recently I've been watching quite a few episodes of "The Office" back to back, and I've been thinking way too hard about the entire premise of the show.

While the episodes still stand up to the funny test (aka they make me laugh - a lot), the entire backbone of the show has a severe case of scoliosis. A documentary about a paper-supply company? Maybe that's what makes it funny... But who are we to believe is funding this ridiculous project? And what's taking so long to wrap up? Do they really need 2 YEARS (going on 10) worth of footage to make a documentary about an office?

Frankly, I'm getting pretty sick of Pam, especially her repeating testimonials like "It was a good day... ... I dunno... ... It was a good day." I've been driven to the point of hoping Jim leaves her for Karen. And what happened to Ed Helms? He just disappeared with no explanation, Judy-Winslow style. Or is he still at anger management classes?

Obviously I wouldn't dedicate an entire post to this show unless I really liked it. It is without a doubt one of the funniest on TV. And I'm not the type of person to come to the table with only problems and no solutions. So if I were in charge, here's how I would change the office.

1. Have Jim & Pam either hook up immediately or get in a huge fight. I want this done yesterday. Contrary to what the producers may believe, I do not tune in to see the latest developments with this love story, I tune in in spite of it.
2. Fewer testimonials from Pam. More testimonials from Dwight.
3. Bring Ed Helms back. He's one of the funniest people on earth. Show him at his anger management classes.
4. More screen time for secondary characters. While there might be some backlash, I would love to see an entire episode revolve around Creed.
5. More warehouse episodes. Every time Michael goes out there hilarity ensues.

Finetune

Did you notice over on the right? My blog is now an online radio station! And not just any online radio station, MY own personal station. I program all the music, ANY music, and it's easy... and best of all it's absolutely free.

If you haven't checked out Finetune yet, I couldn't recommend anything more with the possible exception of reading the Book of Mormon and converting to the LDS faith. Nothing more to say, just check it out.

I feel like it's my birthday all over again.

Real news (no, not soccer)

Enough about the crazy astronaut diaper lady already... In real news that will actually affect you, did you hear about the new Stephen Colbert ice cream flavor from Ben & Jerry's?

Just kidding, what I really wanted to blog about is a recent statement from Steve Jobs. In it he says that he would remove DRM "in a heartbeat" from the iTunes music store if the 4 big music companies would agree to sell their music without it.

Since the release of this statement, word on the street is there are lots of independent artists (Barenaked Ladies being one of them) putting pressure on Apple to sell their music DRM-less.

Could this be the beginning of the end for DRM? We can only pray. The dream of a technological society with interoperability will someday become reality. Say that 10 times fast.

Related: If you have questions about DRM, check out an old post of mine from May 2006 here.

Tribute to my Grandpa

My Grandpa Max Yospe passed away last Friday after 82 well-lived years.

Born to Russian-Jewish parents in Chicago, he has often told me stories of how he was beaten up and ridiculed almost daily while growing up for being different. But he was proud of his heritage and the great sacrifices his parents made to bring their family to America.

He joined the Army, and by no coincidence was stationed in Tooele. There he met my grandmother (who was engaged at the time) when she took his movie ticket at the local theatre. As he told it, it was love at first sight; although my grandma would jokingly say she took some convincing.

He had a strong love for his family and an unwavering love for my grandma Elaine. He always put her up on a pedestal and was a true example of how a man should treat women.

His career was spent serving the public as a police officer, first in Tooele and later in Salt Lake City. He worked his way up to assistant chief, and in the latter part of his career was responsible for the implementation and training of the police chaplain force. Many times our family has gotten out of speeding tickets when a policeman pulled us over, recognized our last name, and refused to give us tickets because we were related to this well-respected man.

My grandfather was a convert to the LDS faith, and was the first known Jewish convert to be called as a Mormon bishop. He had a great love and testimony of Jesus Christ and spent his life in the Lord's service.

He was a pretty darn good artist, a talent I wasn't lucky enough to inherit. He painted dozens of beautiful landscape paintings, many of which he sold or gave away to loved ones. He also made a mean Waldorf salad.

My favorite memories include...

• The way his eyes would tear up each Christmas morning while reading "The Littlest Angel"
• The way he'd yell "Don't touch the walls or you'll wake up grumpy!" as he sent us off to wash our hands after Sunday dinner
  
• Fishing and sharing his cabin with us in Island Park
• Saturday lunches at Crown Burger
• Many family vacations, including Moab, a cruise, San Francisco, Disneyworld, and of course the beach house near Monterey (twice)
  

Best of all, my grandpa had a great sense of humor. He loved playing and teasing us grandkids.

I love you Grandpa! You will be missed!

update: Click here for The Deseret News article.

Favourite Show of all-time?

Working in radio and spending pretty much all of my teenage $$ on concerts, I've been to some doosies. Here is an incomplete list of some of my favorite shows...

1. Glen Phillips (of Toad the Wet Sprocket) came to town back in April of 2001. My wife and I were on our 1st date, and I took her home (she wasn't old enough to get into the club) so I wouldn't miss this show! (I I have since made it up to her). Tiny club, "The Zephyr," couldn't have been more than a couple of hundred people there. Noone had ever heard of his super impressive opening act - John Mayer.

2. My very first concert - Dave Matthews in '95 opening up for some metal band- I think it was KMFDM but I could be wrong. I was 15 and I remember Jason's parents dropping us off at Saltair, and being scared to death of the people around me (I think Marilyn Manson was having a family reunion). I'll never forget that wonderful 1st feeling of being deaf after a great show.

3. Ben Harper and Jack Johnson together in Deer Valley in 2003. Less than 5,000 people there. The smaller the show, the better.

4. Counting Crows "Recovering the Satellites" tour at Kingsbury Hall. For some reason, they were in a mood to rage against the machine and went on a small venue tour. They've sold out mightily since then, but back then they were in their prime and could have filled a stadium. Somehow we scored 2nd row tickets. I felt like I was the only one there.

5. David Gray's "White Ladder" tour at Saltair. I was required to attend for work, wasn't expecting much, and can honestly say that I was blown away. Awesome show.

Honorable mentions: Toad the Wet Sprocket reunion at House of Blues in Vegas (pictured above), Coldplay at Saltair, taking the bus to Smashing Pumpkins with Nate because we were only 15, ANY Pearl Jam concert (and thank goodness there have been a few), Swaner at Trolley Square, Eric Clapton at the Delta Center in 2002?, Sarah McLachlan at the E Center, Neil Diamond, Transiberian Orchestra christmas show, and Jon Schmidt, yes Jon Schmidt.

Dishonorable mentions: REM Monster tour, Jack Johnson @ USANA in 2005, Elton John at the E Center (just recently), Mannheim Steamroller, and The Wallflowers.

If I left anything off my list, tell me in the comments.

Happy new year

Because I never get them down on paper, I never seem to follow through on my new year's resolutions. This year, I decided to blog them for others to see, increasing my chances of actually doing them.

Except this year, I wanted to do things differently. I made my resolutions things I plan on NOT doing. It's much easier to not do something than to do something.

1. Don't murder anybody. Harder than it sounds.
   
2. Don't go to any U of U basketball games. At least until they show even a hint of being any good.
   
3. Don't watch Letterman. Last time I watched he had added a new segment called "Small Town News" or something like that, which was pretty much identical to Jay Leno's "Headlines." Isn't there a professional courtesy in comedy not to steal other people's jokes? The funny thing is, he actually looked like he felt guilty delivering the punchlines.
   
4. Don't exercise more than a couple times a week at the most.
5. Don't post funny pictures I took while working of strangers bending over near vending machines at supermarkets... oh crap, too late!

Well, I guess if I already broke one of my resolutions, all is now lost. I now resolve to not make future resolutions.