Missing my boy!

Wow, it has been such a long time since I posted!  I really don't know why.  There is always a lot on my mind but I guess just no time to sit down and type it out!  I guess that is what happens when you are blessed with a little one in your house.  I am trying to just take in everything I can with out 6 month old bundle of Joy!  I am definitely a different kind of mom then I was before.  I don't know if that is good or bad, but its just different. 
As our new little one is going through all these new stages...she is just now sitting up and trying to figure out crawling...it just makes me realize everything I missed out on with Elijah.  Makes me miss him in a while new way!  I wonder how he would interact with his sweet sister!  I look around and see all the pink and girly things we have in our house with our two daughter and wonder how the trains and cars would fit into the mix!  I just plain miss him though, that is all there is to it.  So many things make me think of him and the moments we had and unfortunetly the many more moments we didn't have.  I know he is safe in Heaven and I try to just wrap my head around the fact that his life as short as it was is wonderful!  He knows nothing but love.  He will never know pain like we do here on Earth.  He is with his creator and there is no better place.  Of course my human mind tells me the best place would be here with his mommy!  So thankful that I will some day be reuinted with him!
Hard to believe sweet boy that you would be almost 2 and a half years now!  Miss you sweet boy!

2 Years

I didn't get a chance to post last week but we celebrated Elijah's 2nd birthday in heaven.  I can not beleive it has been 2 years since we held our sweet boy in our arms.   Time just passes by in a weird sense anymore, its hard to explain.  I can't beleive we have another bundle of joy in our family now either.  With Elijah's birthday falling on Halloween and our older daugther wanting to trick or treat it is hard to fit things in.  So the day before we went to build a bear and made a special bear to keep in honor of Elijah.  Gabrielle loves to do tangible things like that for him and it helps us as well.  We went to the cemetery and decorated for his birthday.  It was hard knowing I would not be going on his actual birthday but I had to remind myself if he was here we probably would have celebrated on a different day as well.  On his actual birthday we wrote messages on balloons and sent them up in the sky.  Gabrielle likes for us to hug and kiss the balloons so that we are sending our hugs and kisses up to heaven for Elijah, so we did ( :  I know Elijah is comforted by Jesus and there is no better place to be but that doesn't mean that my human mind does not think he would be better off in my arms.  Oh how I wish I had my 2 year old climbing all around the house.  I wish we had cars and trains scattered all over the floor, evidence that we do have a boy!  That will never change.  Happy Birthday sweet Elijah!  Missing you oh so much!

A Rainbow amoung us

Wow it has been entirely too long since I have blogged!  I don't know where my time goes.  So much has happened in our lives. 
I will officially announce on here that our beautiful rainbow baby was born on August 22nd!  Her name is Eliana.  Everyone always asks where we came up with that name ( :  When we were pregnant with Elijah we stubbled upon the meaning of the name Eliana which means "God has answered".  We knew if we ever had another girl that it would be her name.  All of our kids have names honoring God and we definitly wanted our little rainbow to have one with a great meaning. I also love that the first three letters of her name are the same as her brothers ( : 
I knew that having a baby after loosing Elijah would be emotional but I never imagined how emotional it would be.  There was the obvious worries that this little one would also have classic potters sydrome as well but once we passed that mark of knowing she was in the clear of that we still worried about everything else possible and we still do!
Eliana was born via a scheduled c-section on the morning of August 22nd.  We waited with great anticipation to hear her cry and boy did she cry!  God made it very clear that she had a good set of lungs!  I don't think she stopped crying at all in the OR.  Also right after they got her out and laid her in the little bassinet to wipe her off she peed!  Once again God showing us...her kidneys and bladder are there and working!  I was so thankful for those signs.  Even though she is here and safe our emotions are still all over the place.  I sit here rocking her and look up at Elijah's picture on the wall and wish he was here running around.  I can't beleive he would be 2 next month.  Time has flown by, but it doesn't change at all how much we miss him. 
The other day I over heard Gabrielle explaining to Eliana that she was her big sister.  She also told her about her big brother in heaven and how we will all see him one day when we are in heaven.  She told her that will be a long time for her though because she is just a baby.  Of course the tears started flowing for me.  Gabrielle noticed me crying and brought me a tissue.  She said its okay mommy I know you miss Elijah but he is safe in heaven and we will all see him again some day.  She is such a sweet and passionate 5 year old.  Her heart is so big and I am so grateful for that. 

We are so blessed to have our joy of another baby in the house but its bitter sweet and I think will always be that way.

Its been a while...

wow I have not been on here in a while.  I find myself keeping busy or trying to keep busy with everything else.  I find myself so anxious all the time and my mind is in a million different places at once.  I have a little less then 8 weeks left before this little girl makes her arrival.  It seems so surreal.  We finally started working on her bedroom this past weekend.  Even though we are so excited for her to be here its hard to do those little things to prepare for her arrival.  It is hard to do all of those things and thinking of how we should have been doing them two years ago as well. 

Now that I am getting close to the end of this pregnancy people all the time are asking me how I am feeling or how I am doing or if I am ready for her to be here.  Those questions are so hard to answer.  None of them have any idea what we are feeling going through this pregnancy after loosing our precious son.  I never even know what to say when people ask me those questions.

We are doing well though.  We are so ready to have a baby in our arms again.  It will be bitter sweet but oh so sweet. 

A Rainbow on the Horizon...

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.



Wow it has been a long time since I have posted.  I have had so many emotions and thoughts over the past few months but they were better kept to myself at the time.  As you probably guessed from that opening quote we are expecting another baby!  I am currently 21 and a half weeks along.  We didn't tell a lot of people that were not close family and friends until after our ultrasound that allowed us to know if this baby had the same condition or not as Elijah.  Even though we would have told them at some point we wanted to be prepared to tell them what was going to happen if we knew for sure this baby would follow along Elijah's path.  So as you can imagine I have been living the last few months bouncing back between Joy and Sorrow as so many of the "baby loss" moms have experienced.  I knew this would be an emotional time but I had no idea.  The day we went in for our ultrasound I was a mess.  I started crying from the minute I got up!  I was so scared of what we were going to find out that day.  As a Christian I know that whatever would have happened God would give us the stregnth to continue on but I just couldn't imagine how I would face things.  After the ultrasound tech told us that the fluid levels looked good and that she could see the kidney's and bladder perfectly fine I would still in a state of doubt.  My husband asked her again to say that the fluid level was good!  It was the news we wanted to hear but it was still hard to take it all in. 

We also found out that day that we are having a girl.  We obviously did not care either way what we would have as long as she or he was healthy.  We will love them the same no matter what.  In some ways I think it might be easier to have a girl because Elijah was our first son but at the same time its hard.  Already that day we got the comment of oh you will have so much pink in your house or wow dad will have to find a place away from all the girls....even though our house is not filled with trains and cars like one with a one and a half year old son should be...we still have a son!  So it is hard to hear comments like that.  I am sure that will never change.  Or of course people will say or girls are this or that compared to boys...and I wish so bad I had my little boy here to know for myself. 

Gabrielle makes sure to point out that she is a "double big sister" as she likes to call it ( :  She is so precious never leaving her brother out of anything!

So that is where I have been the last few months.  Hopefully I can get back on here and post more!  Its been way too long!


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A new year

It is crazy that 2010 is already over.   A year full of so many firsts without our son.  All what would have been his first holidays and then finally his first birthday.  I can not beleive how quickly this year has gone by.  They say time heals all wounds and although I don't find the tears coming as often I will forever have a void in my heart and miss my son.  It is a wound that will never heal and a void that will never be filled.  Something that only other moms in my situation can possibly understand.  I remember new years last year and how hard it was to say goodbye to 2009.  It was the year I found out I was pregnant with Elijah, had all the events of that pregnancy, spent 3 months in the hospital hooked up to monitors and doing everything I could to protect him, his birth, and then his passing.  All of those events in one year and then it was gone, just like that.  I can't beleive I am not a year out from all of that.  Some days I feel like it was just yesterday.  Other days I close my eyes and try to think about what it felt like to hold him because it feels so long ago.  Those feelings I am sure will never change.  So this year the new year was obviously different then last.  It just feels weird.  We moved this past year so that was something new.  I wonder what this new year will bring for us.  One thing will never change though, we will continue to miss and love Elijah more and more each day.

Time slips away

I can't beleive its been over 2 weeks now since Elijah's first birthday.  I can't beleive I haven't posted anything since then!  That morning we went to the cemetery and decorated with some birthday items and visited.  After that we went to church.  Most people at church didn't know what to say to us so they didn't say anything at all.  One sweet women whispered Happy Birthday Elijah to me as we were greeting each other and that meant so much!  Of course it caused tears the rest of the service but it was worth it.  After church we decided to have a pic nic at the park where the local Angel of Hope statue is and where we had a brick dedicated in Elijah's honor.  Gabrielle was the one who picked lunch so of course we had McDonalds!  It was beautiful outside.  After we left the park we picked up some balloons and we each wrote messages on them.  We later released them all together at our home.  We also picked up a small cake and had that as well before I took Gabrielle out trick or treating.  We felt like we make special memories on his first birthday and overall it was a special day for us.  It was very strange that evening.  While walking Gabrielle around to a few houses all I could think about was last year and everything that was transpiring.  Elijah was born in the evening so it was hard being out that night.  I don't think that will ever change.  I am so thankful for those that remembered his birthday and sent us encouraging notes or reminded us how much Elijah had touched their lives as well.  

Elijah's birthday project is coming to a close!  We have so many items to be donated to the group with in the Nicu that helps families who are going down the same journey as us.  I hope that these items will last forever but in reality I know that more families will use them then I would ever want to imagine.  We have plenty of items to furnish the room where families will be able to spend some quiet and personal time with their babies.  On top of the items we will also be able to make a monetary donation as well.  I am so happy with the support that we have had in this and been surprised at how many people wanted to help.  I know when we bring all of the items up to the hospital it will be a hard day.  Not only will it be hard being there in the Nicu and knowing what these items are going to be used for but all of the time and work we have put into this project will be over.  Elijah's birthday celebration in a sense will be over. 

Its so strange that all of the year anniversaries of all these dates have passed.  It doesn't feel like that much time has passed.  Some days I feel like my greif is as fresh as it was on November 1st and then other days I look back and see how far I have come. I will always go through each day missing my son.  I will always have a void in my family here on earth and a ache in my heart but I will always hold on to that hope in heaven and know that one day...one day there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more sorrow and I will be reunited with my son once again!  That is what we hold on to.  


Below is a picture of the memorial brick at the Angel of Hope statue.