The Magic is Back

I can't even believe how much of a difference it makes having a little guy around the holidays. This year was the first since I was 15 that I've been excited for.  There's something to be said for the spirits of little children. Holden isn't old enough to get into the commercial aspects of christmas but there is definitely a distinct difference in our home and in his demeanor when he sees the tree plugged in and we listen to Christmas tunes. You can tell he knows theres something special going on when he touches the tree lights so gently. (he doesn't touch anything gently.)

(It's worth having the bottom two branches of the tree bare)

I'm excited for next year when we can do a bit more of the commercial stuff.. elf on the shelf and santa and such, but we've enjoyed this year so much being able to just enjoy the spirit of it all. I can't remember the last time I felt that. Thanks to Grandpa and Denise and Grandma and Robbie for pulling everything together for our little man. He has loved it all, and so have we.

Everyone have a wonderful New Year!

In Regards to Todays Loss...

So I'm not one to typically talk about current events. I find that it tends to create contention on occasion and I'm not a super confrontational person unless I absolutely have to be.  That being said, it would hurt my heart to not say something in regards to what happened today in Connecticut. I don't know if I'm just hormonal or if it's a byproduct of having a child of my own, but I cried for an hour and a half today.  I don't really even know how to process the information. I can't possibly imagine what it must be like to be any member of that community, let alone one of the family members of those lost, especially the children.  I think about the kids that survived and how they will be emotionally scarred by the experience for the rest of their lives. No child should have to grow up that quickly and no child should have their life stolen away from them.  No parent should have to endure the feeling of their little one lost before they've had a chance to grow and learn and live.  It's scary. Who shoots up an elementary school? These are the places that are supposed to be safe. We trust these buildings to be safe places for our children to learn and grow.  It's at times like these where i can not blame people for wanting to home school their children. Certainly it seems a safer place.  But I also don't know if that's what i want for my children. Obviously I want them to be safe, and at the increasing rate which these events seem to be taking place it's definitely tempting. However, I also know that these things can happen anywhere. They happen in theaters, they happen in the streets. We can't exactly live in bubbles, and I want my kids to have the social experience that public schools can provide. I guess that the best we can do is put our faith in our Heavenly Father and pray that he'll keep our little ones safe from the evils that so blatantly exist in this incredibly imperfect world.  And if things do occur, we just have to pray that he'll carry us through it and trust the truth that we will be with our families again.  Tragedies, unfortunately, are inevitable parts of life.. They seem to be inescapable.  And it seems that once we start to heal from one, we endure a new one.  It's how we become more perfect as people.  Without losing loved ones, we don't learn to appreciate and show our love to the ones still in front of us.  It also brings much appreciation to the beginnings of new lives.  I think that is what makes todays shooting so much more of a tragedy.  One life is not more significant than another, but when a life is taken at such a young age it's as if they have been robbed of so much more than the freedom to die however nature would have them. They've been robbed of even the basic experiences of life.  I take so much comfort in knowing though that so many of those little souls are automatically going to be with Christ because they were taken before the age of accountability.  I know that those families have loving arms wrapped around them that will carry them through. I know that those children will be permitted to comfort their mothers, their fathers, and their siblings. I know that those families, no matter what their beliefs, will at some point if not already have the opportunities to be sealed together and to be with their loved ones again.  I know that the children we lose in this life we will have the opportunity to raise in the millennium.  My prayers are with the families in Connecticut, but they're also with any parent who has lost a son or daughter.  I know I'm not the only one praying, and I know that all the prayers will be answered because I've witnessed the power of prayers from others in my own life. I guess this may also be a good time to say thank you to all those who sent prayers in my family's direction around this past new years when my brother died. I know my family was comforted by them.  I apologize for the length of the post.

Keeping A Brain Afloat

Ever feel like your mind is so overloaded that your thoughts and memory and problem solving capabilities are just slipping away? I thought i did before... Introducing MOTHERHOOD. Oh my goodness.  I don't know how mothers of two or three or more children do it. Holden is the most easygoing, patient, and tenderhearted kid ever in comparison to most babies, and yet, i still struggle to organize a thought.

Here is some of what I've discovered in the past couple of months.

1) If my house is messy, so is my brain.  If i leave just one or two dishes in the sink after doing all the others, it's like I'm leaving an unresolved stress in the back of my mind to worry about through the night. (and the day)

2) Sleep=Sanity. being overtired is a real thing. not just for our little guys, but for us too! every time i get to bed too late and then wake up at 5am for work the next morning, i spend the entire night waking up in a panicked leap to catch an imaginary Holden crawling off the bottom or edge of the bed.  If i go too many nights without proper rest, the nightmares get worse and i eventually wake up standing in the hall. You have to grab as much sleep as your little one will allow you, or you will go crazy, for realsies.

3)When I eat like crap, I feel like crap. When i feel like crap, my hormones go berserk like they did in immediate post pregancyness. If i force myself to drink water and herbal tea all day long, I don't have room for excess crap to munch on. Even if there isn't time to exercise or i don't have the patience to count calories, if i drink water all day I don't overeat. I'm finding that fruit doesn't cost as much as i thought it did and I'm totally regretting not buying more of it in the past solely cause i thought it wasn't in the budget.

4)If you lock yourself in your apartment, you and your child get super cabin feverish and ornery. Walks are miracle workers. When it's freezing outside, I take Holden to the mall to watch the kids play in the play area there. The instant Dallin and I get another car, I plan on taking him to the public library at least twice a week. They have special play groups and events for children there. And its fun to just read books too. Holden is finally getting to the age where he has preferences for certain books and movies and gets genuinely excited when you read to him or let him watch Despicable Me. We may or may not have watched that one 3 times already this week.

5)I have to get ready for the day. Not every day, but the majority of the time. Even if the only people who see me that day are Dallin and Holden. It helps me to feel like a person instead of this faceless, mindless robot constantly cleaning or working or just watching my child, growing more and more exhausted throughout the day. If i put on make up and do my hair, I actually enjoy my day more because i'm not getting lost in my own insecurities. That may sound like a shallow resolution, but it's really more of a way to bring back familiarity of my old life in the midst of all the new, rather than just feeling good about the way I look.

I'm finding that every day brings a new challenge but also new solutions. Being a mom is wonderful. Being Holden's mom is the best. I love this little boy so much. I'm praying that my brain will eventually reconnect with my body and someday soon I won't be quite so scatterbrained.

On another note, Holden turned 9 months yesterday. I don't know where my baby has dissappeared to. I have a little boy now. He's crawling and pulling up on everything. He's even cruising a little bit. Our house is a perpetual task to be cleaned up and reorganized but it's worth it to watch him exploring and discovering so many new and interesting things. It's amazing how much having a little guy changes your perspective on everything. It brings magic and fear and joy and wonderment back into your life. I love my little man. I couldn't ask for a better son. I seriously LOVE being his mother.

If you couldn't tell, this boy loves his daddy and he loves the boxes daddy brings home from work. :)