Noah

It has been three years and I miss you as much as I did the day you left us. I know you are whole and healthy dancing in heaven. Monkey and I know you are watching out for us and sending us your love. We hope you know how much we love you.

Monkey told me today that you are an angel now and that you blew away. I think he meant that you flew away, but he understands you are in heaven. He loves you and I know he can feel you in his heart. Please continue to bless him and protect your sweet, big brother.

I pray for sweet dreams of you tonight.

I miss you my sweet Noah.

Today

Right now I would have been sitting in the ER trying to explain to an incompetent nurse that he always desats when you move him. Why could she not understand what I needed? I just needed her to get us a room, a doctor, and some antibiotics. I was sure that would fix the problem. Never mind the central apnea and CPR. I can live with that...just keep my baby alive. I would do my part if they would just get him what I needed.

They moved in slow motion. No one had the sense of urgency that I did. His sats dropped to zero two or three times while we were in the ER. I don't remember anyone rushing to resuscitate him. I did it. I would rub his feet, blow in his face, and gently shake him to get him to take another breath. With each breath I would say a silent prayer and ready myself for the next episode. This process had started over a week earlier and had just continued to get worse. Even with that I couldn't see it. There was no way I would leave without him....

Today has been hard. I just can't concentrate on anything. I survived work, but it was a long day. Noah sent me a few blessings today. It started with an unsolicited hug from my best friend as we dropped our kids at daycare. All she said is that I needed it and she loved me. The damn broke and the tears fell all the way to work. She remembered.
My next gift came from a coworker I don't know well today, she mentioned her son had special needs. I told her I kind of understood and began telling her about Noah. She hugged me and told me she didn't know how I did it. I answered by telling her it is no different than what she does everyday. You do the best you can for all of your children. By her eyes, I knew she got it without me having to say much. She belongs to the "I didn't sign up for this club". Even with a living child, we both understand NICU's, brain MRI's, horrible neuro's, and the fear of whether your child will live. To have someone sit in front of me and understand was a gift. Thank you Noah.

My last gift was somewhat unexpected. There is a guy I work with who has shown interest, but I am just not ready to go there. He is nice enough, but I always got the feeling that the whole Noah topic freaked him out. He sent me an email today telling me to have a good day tomorrow even though he knew it would be rough. He remembered. I mentioned it once weeks ago. Maybe he isn't such a bad guy. Is Noah trying to get me to open myself up to the idea of letting someone new into my life? I know they are small things, but I am trying to not overlook Noah's gifts. I have learned that they are small and subtle. Gifts or not, I needed each of those moments today. They made me stronger and validated that Noah mattered.

I am going to spend the rest of this evening hugging Monkey as he goes to sleep and then sharing a bottle of wine with a few good friends. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. They have given me strength and reassurance that Noah is remembered. I am blessed with two beautiful boys, good friends to help me through, and this sacred place to share and be understood. Thank you.

Two Days

Today I dressed him in a special t-shirt to surprise his dear Aunt upon her arrival to see him. He had a cold, but didn't seem much worse than the day before. The boys played in the jungle gym and we all just visited and held them. Why didn't I know that I only had one day left? I can't remember anything else from that day. Why can't I remember?

I don't know what to do with myself. I dug out the last outfit he ever wore last night. I so desperately wanted it to smell of him. I fell asleep holding that outfit. I slept with it for months after he died. I just needed to feel him.

I just want to lay in the floor and cry. I miss him so much. I go from feeling so sad and empty to just sick. It is so much harder this year. What if I am the only one who remembers him this year? Maybe I am just scared that no one will even notice or say anything to me. A piece of my heart is missing and lies with my dear sweet boy. Can't the world see the hole? Can't they see how broken I am? I am just so alone in all of this.

I am working tomorrow, but I am not sure how to get through the day. Tomorrow is the last day I ever spent with my boy. Noah died on the 17th, but at 3:22 AM. The 16th was the last time I saw his eyes open and felt him relax into me as I held him. Why doesn't the world stop? Mine stopped and damn it, everyone else just keeps moving. I don't want to smile and pretend my world is okay. I want to cry, scream, and just curl up in a ball for just awhile.

Monkey and I are taking the day on Thursday. I don't know really know what we are going to do. I just know I need to hold on to him. Maybe through him, I can feel Noah and maybe Noah can feel me.

Three years. How am I still here? I love him and miss him...

Things have been crazy around here. It seems there is something going on everyday and it seems Christmas will be before I have even begun to be ready. That could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. Monkey is loving the tree and twinkling lights. It is so fun to watch him delight in the magic the holiday holds when you are little. I am trying to learn to love this once beloved holiday. I am trying to embrace my grief, the approaching anniversary, and the awe on Monkey's face. He deserves the same magical experience I remember as a child.

Noah's day is fast approaching. Once again, nothing seems worthy to mark the day it all changed. The day I lost part of myself and my beloved son. What I am supposed to do? I took the day off work, but then what? I figured Monkey and I could stay home, drink hot chocolate, and snuggle on the couch, but how do I remember Noah? He is always on my mind, always in my heart, but I feel that I should be doing something larger. I just don't know what. It is strange this year. I have the moments of intense sadness, but mostly I just feel empty. It all seems like a dream. Almost like he never existed except I have the photos and scars to prove he was here. I miss him. How do I let him know how much I love him? How do I make peace with his loss?

Moving on...

Days like this I wonder if this fight is worth fighting. In my gut, I know that I am trying to do the right thing. I know my direction gets skewed from time to time by hurt and anger. I have been betrayed by the person who now tells me to "trust" him when it comes to my only living child. I do try to shake that off and keep trudging on.

It doesn't help when Monkey talks about him constantly. He typically just keeps asking when his Dad is getting him. I know he misses him and I realize that by not seeing him all of the time, he is all the more appealing. At times, I feel like I am letting Monkey down. I know I am distracted and sometimes inpatient. Let's be honest that is sometimes just life with a three year old, but I feel guilty for the brief moments I stop and think about my lost marriage or when something reminds me of a time in life when I was free and happy. There are many times each day that a conversation or a picture takes me back when I am least expecting it. It sucker punches me and it takes me a few minutes to refocus on "this" life. I wonder if Monkey would be happier with M. He is happy and living his new life with no regrets. Monkey got me, who loves him more than life, but he also got the me who gets sucked into my grief from time to time. He gets me who doesn't seem to know how to feel happy. I just want so much for him and I am really struggling to find my place in this world of single mothers. Great, another fucking club I didn't ask to join. So where do I find my place in the dead baby, single mom because my husband decided to screw a whore club? Sorry, I know not a good attitude. I just can't help it sometimes.

I wake up each day and tell myself to start over. Smile, hug Monkey, and hope something good happens. By the end of the day, I am tired and beaten down. Moving on is so fucking hard. I don't love him anymore, but I guess I do love the person I married. I am finding it difficult to get over the betrayal. I think I would like to meet someone, but I honestly don't know how to let anyone into my world. I can't take anymore heartache and loss. Anyways, I would scare the shit out of some poor guy. Taking that step to actually go on a date or even consider it is terrifying. The rejection will kill me. I'm also afraid of settling for the first good thing (not that my options are huge) just because I am so fucking tired of being alone.

I miss just having someone there. Someone to talk to or just sit next to and watch TV. I miss the security of knowing someone will be there when I get home from work. I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss being at my parents. It was nice to have someone to talk to. The silence feels like it is going to swallow me here. There at least I wasn't alone.

It is all just overwhelming at times. I forgot to go get Monkey's medicine from the pharmacy. It just about put me in tears. I have no help and I just can't seem to remember it all. I know he is fine and I can get it tomorrow, but I am failing at being supermom. I feel like I am trying to overcompensate for all of the shortcomings I can't seem to control. I just want to be a good Mom. I want to be happy and feel joy. I want to feel something besides empty.

Okay

Monkey woke early this morning. I could hear him in his room whining, almost on the verge of tears. I went to get him and brought him back to bed for some snuggle time. He burrowed in the pillows and then looked at me totally serious.



"Mama, Noah is happy now. Please change my diaper."



I whispered, "Thank you Noah". A little weight lifted knowing my sweet boy is okay. Crazy or not, these are my signs and I believe he is letting me know he is with Monkey and I.

"I love you Monkey. Yes, I will change your diaper."

What a perfect start to the day...

Crying

I love rocking Monkey to sleep. Some nights he just wants to cuddle. Others he wants to talk or read books. Tonight he wanted "Night, night prayers".

Monkey's version of prayers is a long series of thank you's for all things he loves. Some nights they are silly. He is often thankful for his stuffed, blue puppy or his big Tonka truck. Tonight, he was more serious, almost reflective if possible for a three year old.

His little, squeaky voice said...

"Dear God...

Dank you for my new house. My puppy. Dank you for Mima and Papa. Dank you for Noah..."

I always smile when he remembers his sweet brother.

"He crying, Mama."

It took me a second to realize he was talking about Noah. It gives me goosebumps when Monkey says things like that. I wish I could know what was running through that little mind of his.

"Monkey, he isn't crying. He is in heaven dancing and looking down on us. He is happy and knows that we love him." I wipe away a tear...

"I miss him."

"I miss him too. Mama misses him too."

It is so hard to stop the tears. To be so young and yet to know so much loss.

I often wonder if I have made Noah too much a part of our lives, but how can I not? He is Monkey and Monkey is Noah. They are connected by something that I cannot begin to understand or question. I know their souls are intertwined.

When Monkey wonders about his baby brother, I just tell him about those precious moments of them together. I hug him tight and remind him how much Noah and I love him.

Monkey is an amazing child. I am so blessed.

Relief

I want to feel something, anything than this weight I carry. I am tired. I want to stand in the sunshine and feel its warmth on my face. I want to feel free and happy just for a few moments. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. I just need some relief from this never ending sadness and loneliness.

I don't know how to reach out to those around me. I just need a shoulder to lean on when things get tough. I feel weak and ashamed. My life is a disaster and on the outside it looks as if I am picking up the pieces, but the inside is a gutted mess. I don't even know how to talk to people anymore. I don't know anything but sadness and survival. They talk about the usual random things and I have to resist the urge to scream out that my son is dead and my husband is a cheating bastard. They don't want to know and let's be real, it is humiliating to admit that I wasn't worth more than his two dollar whore. They don't understand the depths of my grief and anger. They can't see the little moments of hope. It is all there behind my forced smile that is trying to hide that fact that I am horribly uncomfortable. What the hell is wrong with me?

I need to know that it is okay that I cringe every time Monkey asks me if his "Daddy is picking him up". He is but a baby and doesn't know of his father's true nature. He loves him and so desperately wants his love. I want my baby to be happy, but I really hate his father. I bite my lip and tell him yes or no. I always acknowledge, but my insides are screaming profanity laced words. It stings to hear him speak of the man who chose to sleep around with his "girlfriend" while Monkey was so ill and needed him. I can't forget that and never will. M has totally let go of any guilt he feels towards his son. I guess that lets him sleep at night. I feel that I am the bad person, that I have done something wrong. I did what I was supposed to. When do I quit paying the price for his choices? I tried with all my might to do what was best for Monkey. When does this fucking nightmare get better?

I never realized being alone is so exhausting. I just want to be held. To feel that safety of knowing that someone loves you and thinks you are worth something. I feel like a worthless failure. I know that I have to find me in all of this. I have to love me in order to take the best care of Monkey I can. I am trying, but I still can't shake this. I can't let it go. My heart is broken and I am not sure there is anyway to repair it. Maybe I will always be broken and alone. Maybe it is that I need to make peace with. Maybe this is all I get. How do I learn to be happy and content when so much is missing? I love Monkey with all of heart and he does make me happy, but the void is always there. The little voice telling me that so many things are missing is always whispering in my ear. Even in the brief moments of happiness, it creeps in and steals away a piece of the moment.

Random Thoughts

Life has gotten crazy around here. Moving is hard work. I really forgot how much I hate unpacking. In my state of hatred and disgust, I must have taken everything in our house just so he couldn't have it. Bad choice. I have discovered, I don't want it. None of it. I don't want anything in this house to remind me of him. I hear EBay calling my name or maybe just a huge garage sale this spring. May as well make some money off these bad memories.

___________________________________________

I have been thinking about Noah a lot these days. New beginnings really make me think of all that I have said goodbye to. I am hung up on one thought though. He died in my arms twice. He died and my breath brought him back to only kill him in the end. I don't understand why I could him life one last time to only have him taken a few short days later.

I miss him.

Why can't I feel him anymore?

Please say hello to your Mama or just send me a sign through Monkey.

I am tired and overwhelmed. I need you strength and love.

I love you Noah.

Laughter

Today I spent my lunch hour doing some last minute birthday shopping for Monkey. I can't believe my baby is going to be 3. It blows my mind to think of how the time has passed. It has been hard, but I never could have imagined how much I love that little boy.

My phone rang breaking my thoughts of choo choo train cakes and Tonka trucks. I didn't recognize the number, which normally would lead me to silence the ringer and let it go to voice mail. For some reason, I answered. It was the pastor from the church M and I attempted to attend at the end of our crumbling marriage. He wanted to invite us to join a couple's group. I am pretty sure God has a twisted sense of humor. He caught me off guard and I just blurted out that we were divorced. There was a short silence, but he recovered pretty quickly and asked if I was okay. I gave my standard answer of people make bad decisions, which is universal for my husband is a cheating bastard. He understood immediately and even asked about it without flinching. Did I cry? No, I laughed. He must think I am an insane woman. I laughed because if I didn't I was sure I would lose it in the middle of that store and I refuse to let M have that kind of power over me.

I actually enjoyed the conversation. He invited me back to church and to meet with me if I wanted. The idea is somewhat intriguing as I find myself at a crossroads with my faith. I must believe as I know one day I will be reunited with my sweet Noah, but I don't understand why my children and myself must suffer so much. Maybe instead of the sick sense of humor, this was God's way of leading me back? I guess I believe in signs. I just don't seem to stop long enough to see them. When things settle down, it is on my list. Maybe I will find my faith and just a little bit of peace.

________________________________________

I took Monkey today for what was supposed to be an eye exam with our EI services, but instead turned out to be just a lot of waiting. The appt was rescheduled after we waited for quite some time. During this time, a woman and her little girl sat down next to us. I was glued to that little girl. I couldn't quit staring, imagining. She is a twin. She wasn't supposed to survive until birth. She is a few months younger than Noah and Monkey. She like Noah has hydrocephalus and many other issues. All I could see was what could have been if I had been able to keep him alive just awhile longer. She was playing with her Mama and had just learned to crawl. It took all of my power to not say something to her Mom or not to break out in tears. If I could have kept him here, I would have fought like hell to give him a good life. I know that was not in the cards for us, but I still look at her in amazement and wonder what it would have been like.

_________________________________________

Tomorrow is the day. At 8:02 and 8:03, my life changed. At that moment I felt true love for the first time in my life. I knew my purpose. I was to love and mother those beautiful boys. Birthdays are so bittersweet. Monkey and I spending the day just him and I. We will have his beloved "cake cakes" for breakfast, play in the park, and visit his sweet little brother. I know a tear or two will fall, but it is okay as Monkey and I will laugh together as we remember Noah. Noah is in heaven, whole and happy. He is looking down on us and I hope he is smiling and proud of Monkey and I. I hope he knows I carry him in my heart and always will. I can't believe it has been three years.

Smoke

I saw it as I was leaving work today. The black smoke trailing in a thin line up into the sky. I do my best everyday not to take that street. I can't drive by it. Thinking about it makes me sick. Seeing that smoke and realization of what it was made me come undone.

As I looked, all I could see was his face the last time I held him in the hospital before the man from the mortuary took him away. I remember burying my face in his neck trying to inhale his sweet smell one last time. Then all I could see was fire and him. What the hell was I thinking? It wasn't a choice. No mother should choose how her child will be laid to rest. I never really considered the process. I don't think my mind could wrap around it at the time.

I watched the smoke and thought about how that was someone else's loved one. With a few tears and a silent prayer, I drove by trying desperately to conjure up some other image of my sweet Noah.

Lost

I'm so lost these days. I am torn between my old life I miss and trying to find some meaning in this new one. I know I can make the choice to make my situation different, yet I can't shake the anger, sadness, and fear. I am trying with all my might to make a life for Monkey and I, but I just can't seem to let it all go. I can't accept that Monkey will grow up like this. I don't understand how this happened. I went to bed one night a happy pregnant girl and woke up a broken, grief stricken old woman.

During the day when I am busy, I think I can do this. Then I am all alone and the truth of it all begins to creep in. How did he just walk away and give up so easily? Why move us from our home and tell me he wanted another baby to just walk away a month later? It seems like I should have come to terms with all of this by now. Hell, he is at home rocking his new son. That should have been my son, not hers. How did I not know he hated me? Was I so wrapped up in my grief and Monkey that I couldn't see it. I trusted him. I believed in him. He took what was left of my faith and ripped it to pieces. How did he do this to me and to Monkey?

I think I am grieving for Monkey. This is not the life I dreamed of for him. I know I can't undo what has happened, but I am not sure how to make it okay either. I hate M for taking my living son from me. I know that he is mine most of the time, but I didn't choose to not have him with me. M walked away from him. Why does he and his new "girlfriend" get to have him at all? They could have cared less how this affected Monkey while they were making their "mistakes". She is a gold digging whore. She could give a shit less about my son. How can he let her be around him? It is making me crazy. I can't shake the thoughts of them playing house and pretending like what they have done is okay. I don't know how to accept that she will soon be a part of Monkey's life. How do I accept that? She destroyed his family (along with M). It seems like the courts give her a right to be with him over my right as his mother to protect him. It is all so fucked up.

I can't sleep at night. I wake up in the darkness after dreams of him and her. It's like I can't turn the thoughts off. I don't know how to recover from this betrayal and loss. I am treading water with all of my might, but I can't make sense of losing my son and then my family. I just can't find the meaning to my life. I get up each morning and try desperately to show Monkey that we will be fine. I play with him, love him, and try to enjoy each moment but those horrible feelings keep creeping in. Will I ever feel happy again? I am afraid I don't know how. They were my life and now it is gone. Monkey is my life now and what if I am failing? What if he leaves me in the end too?

It's Coming...

I haven't felt much like writing lately. Maybe I am just tired of thinking about things or maybe it is that the fall season is approaching. With the cooler temps and school starting, I remember my anticipation of the boys arrival.

Today was our first trip to the hospital with a medical emergency in my pregnancy. Today could have been their birthday, but my body decided to behave and they remained safely inside for a few more weeks. I can't believe it has been three years. Monkey is more little boy than baby and my sweet Noah is still the same beautiful 3 month old he will forever be. I can feel it. It is starting.

I keep telling myself this year I will celebrate Monkey's birthday without tears. I know it won't happen, but I am hoping to celebrate my boys and not mourn our losses. Noah is forever etched in my soul along with my grief and pain, but this year I will smile and remember his sweet baby smell and his snuggles. This year will be different.

I just didn't really believe it would happen

I spent months waiting, crying, and praying that life as I knew it wasn't coming to an end. I held onto Monkey and the memories of my life with my best friend. I knew I was losing my grasp as each day pasted and nothing happened.

The truth is if he had wanted to work it out, we would have soon after he left for his "weekend" away. He was done and yet wasn't man enough to just tell me. Instead he moved us from our home and told me he wanted a baby. The one thing I had dreamed of since my boys were born. He knew what he was doing, yet I held onto hope that it was all a bad dream. I believed he loved me. I believed he would come home.

I sit here today still in disbelief that this has happened. He is gone. He has a new family now. One built on deceit and infidelity. There is a new baby tonight who is in the NICU and I find myself taken back to that little dark room with Noah. Holding onto my newborn son praying that he would live. His new son will be okay. Mine is not. Mine is gone. It may be a hint of jealousy, but more it just brought new waves of grief to knock me down. He realized my dreams, just with someone else.

All I can do is hold onto Monkey and pray to a God who hasn't pulled through so much for me that our lives will get better. I pray that the hole in my heart will at least heal over enough to make this pain bearable. I miss my son, my life, and even the person who tore it all apart. I am living for Monkey because he deserves the world. I will give it to him.

The final blow...

The "mistake" has arrived. I am pretty sure the news ripped the newly formed scabs off of my heart. The knife turned just a little more in my back.

I knew it was going to happen. It's not like this took me by surprise, yet I still find myself broken and sobbing in front of Noah's grave. I don't know why I think going there will offer some peace. Even there is M's name etched forever on his headstone. It is there screaming at me. Reminding me that I failed as a mother, a friend, and a wife. I can't seem to stop his voice that runs through my head telling me that I am fat and not good enough. I hear him telling me over and over that he doesn't love me.

I am trying so hard to do what is right by Monkey and move on. I just feel stuck. My heart is broken and I feel pretty worthless right now. I am alone and scared to death. I can't do this alone. What if I fail? I have tried so hard to keep my composure and do what was needed. I don't feel any better. I honestly just want to feel happy for just a second. Just to remind me what it was like. I hate being alone. M hated that about me. Guess leaving was a great way to rub that in. I survived and I am proud that I have, but how do I keep this up when my insides are screaming? The hurt never stops and I am tired of willing myself to get up each morning. I sob through my shower and then compose myself and start my day. It is exhausting.

It all just seems so wrong and fucked up right now. I am trying to believe it will get better. It just doesn't feel like it.

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying…"I will try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

Can it just be the tiny voice left inside of me, telling me to get out of bed? Is it the same little voice who fights through the tears and hopelessness to get dressed, get Monkey ready, and make it to work?

It has been a long few days. I can't say that anything has happened to make them so bad. I think it is just part of the process. I think it is the dread of what is to come. It seems I would be an expert in this thing called grief. I should know to expect the good days mixed in with the bad. I forgot how bad the bad ones are.

There has been a shift. I can fall asleep now, but now I wake up about 5:30 am from the most horrible dreams of being told I am not wanted and unloved. I begin thinking about my old life and how safe it felt to wake up with my best friend beside me. Now I wake up with the tape running in my head of how shitty this all is. I remember that I have to face another day alone and that it is one more day stuck in this nightmare that is my life.

I am sorry for ranting about this. I am even tired of my own thoughts and of being so sad. I don't even want to hear this story anymore. I feel like that person who refuses to move on. I am trying, but I am failing miserably. I tell myself each day that I am going through these motions in order to build my new life. It just seems to be happening so slowly.

I left for lunch today having avoided tears at lease a handful of times. Once I got in my car, the dam broke and I couldn't stop it. I haven't cried like that in a long time. I cried for my loneliness, my heartbreak, and my lost son. I want to be happy, but it just feels so out of reach. I actually wonder if I remember what it feels like to be happy.

I am praying that the quiet voice can become a roar and I will find my footing. I hope to find some inner peace that will guide my actions and help me make the right choices. So much is riding on how I make my way out of this. When I think of courage, I think of the strong, stoic hero. I am just asking for the courage to handle this with grace and be a person that my sons will be proud of. I don't need to be a hero. I just need to survive these moments when all seems lost. My courage may have failed me today, but I will try again tomorrow...

I Can Feel Him

Monkey and I visited the butterfly garden where Noah's tree is planted...

Such beauty....

I can feel his smile...

Monkey can feel his loving arms wrapped around him...

I am so grateful for these precious moments with my boys...

He knows we are here missing him and loving him...

We can feel his love...

I Need To Say It

or maybe scream it.

My baby is dead.

I need to talk about him. I need to say his name and share his story. I need to just be able to make him real. I want to feel him on my chest and smell his baby smell. I need him and his strength.

I feel like my grief for Noah got put on the back burner while I dealt with M and my dissolving marriage. I couldn't handle both. I couldn't feel that much grief and survive. It is still here. I find it is starting to creep in to all of my thoughts again. I caught myself talking about him today and I know that I just needed to say his name out loud. I needed him to exist today. I don't know that it even mattered to me if anyone listened. I justed needed to say it.

I hold enough grief to last a lifetime plus a few more. I don't want to be the victim and say why me, but why me? Why my son and then my marriage? How is this my life? How do I move on when I have lost so much? When does the pain subside?

The last few weeks have been unbearable. I put on my fake smile for the day, but I am exhausted from all of this effort and the raging insomnia. I just want to lie down to sleep and actually sleep. I can't take the horrible images of losing Noah and my cheating ex-husband. I know it is all part of the process, but I have to function. I have no choice, but to get up each morning, take care of Monkey, and go to work. I can't do that and fall apart at the same time.

The weight of carrying this is crushing me. I don't remember how it feels to be happy and relaxed. The tension in my shoulders is permanent. I feel and look like hell. What I really need is someone to just hold me and let me cry. I need to fall apart and not be so damn alone. I miss and crave human touch. I just need that shoulder to lean on. Losing Noah was isolating, but current events have made it that much worse. It is very lonely in dead baby, cheating husband land. I really, really hate it here.

Wishing and hoping for sleep and maybe just a glimmer of happiness.

I gave...

My number to a boy.

What the hell was I thinking?

I feel like I am 15 again. Come to think of it, that was about the last time I did such a thing.

I am so not ready for this. I don't know how. I don't even know what I want.

Really, what was I thinking!?

I hate the bad days...

I didn't deserve this. Monkey didn't deserve this.

I know I wasn't perfect, but I didn't ask for this.

This world of dead children and cheating husbands is very lonely here in the real world. I swear I am not contagious. I promise not to break or cry if you mention my former life.

A coworker told me he didn't ask or talk about Noah because well, that is how you handle dead children. They are gone so they shouldn't be talked about. In those brief moments, I realize that I don't fit in this world. Maybe I should move on and let it go, but he is forever etched in my heart and I refuse to let it go. Letting go is forgetting. He is my strength and light that leads me through this shit storm that is my life. I will never not acknowledge him. Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable or think I may be a little crazy (you may be correct), but he is what defines my character and he is who made me who I am. I never lived until I saw his heartbeat for the first time or felt his small flutters. I knew all along he would not be mine to keep, but I embraced his life each and everyday that I was honored to have him. How do you pretend that didn't happen?

I am a square peg in a round hole. I don't fit. I am broken and tired, but will never quit fighting for my children. They deserve the world and much better than the hand they were dealt. Hell, I am pretty sure I didn't deserve what I was dealt. It is easy to fall into the trap of blaming myself for all that has happened, but in the end I have to tell myself, I didn't deserve this or make these choices. I can make a choice to let this define me or I continue to fight. I have to make a better life for Monkey and I. We will be happy.

Sick Again

I picked Monkey up from daycare and he wasn't quite himself. His buddy had been gone today and he seemed to be missing his friend. When we got home, he dragged me into the living room and put his pillow and blanket on the floor. They he lay for the next hour. He is now running a fever. I am pretty sure it is karma. Today I postponed the appointment at National Jewish because he has been doing so well the last few months. I didn't want to put him through all of the tests if we had finally gotten better. Hopefully, he will sleep well tonight and be fever free in the morning. Maybe it is just a little bug and not a raging infection. Let's hope I didn't make a terrible choice by not keeping that appointment.

Transformations

It has been a slow road, but it's coming along. What was once an ugly eyesore is still an ugly eyesore, but the potential has been unlocked. I am beginning to see what it could be. I can see where Monkey and I will cook dinner and cuddle on the couch. I know it must get uglier before it will get better. It is a small house, but perfect for a Mama and a Monkey to live. I am blessed to have a roof over my head (and one that is all mine), a family who supports us no matter what, and a Monkey who tells me he loves me as he falls asleep each night. I know I have had my share of heartache, but I am grateful for the blessings in my life.

This is the wallpaper I took out of the bathroom. For some reason, I had to keep a piece. I am going to put it in a frame and hang it somewhere where no one will notice. It will serve as a reminder of how far I have come. Sometimes there is beauty in what is old and battered. You just have to look beyond the scars and wrinkles to see it. The bathroom is down to the studs. It is all gone. I love watching it all get put back together, all shiny and new.

Tearing out these old walls was the best therapy I have had in some time. Who knew all I needed was hammer, some sweat, and just a few tears to feel a whole lot better?

The kitchen before....

The kitchen now....

What the kitchen will be...

When I first walked into this house I had a feeling it was the one. It is actually the exact same floor plan of the first house I remember as a child. In a way, I knew I was home. Instead of sad memories of my old life, I looked around and remembered the happy moments of my childhood. I could close my eyes and see my family gathered around the dinner table. I could hear the laughter of my siblings and feel the love of my parents. It is just the place to raise Monkey. It will be our home full of love and laughter. In a way, I am coming full circle. I am home again.

Pull the trigger

It is over. The papers are signed. The crappy child support has been ordered and the insulting amount of maintenance has been awarded. The 401k account is being transferred. All for the low, low price of $4.50 per minute. Yes, almost as much as one of those cheesy 900 numbers. 210 minutes is what it took to divide our assets. It took 13 years to create this disaster, but such a short time to finally seal the deal.

From this point on, my only connection to M is our children. I made a realization in this game with no winners or losers, I walked away with the only thing that mattered. The Turtle and the Monkey. I know M still gets his visitation with Monkey, but a few hours is nothing to getting the everyday. I rock him to sleep. I get the cuddles first thing in the morning. I get the privilege of trying to shape his life so he grows up to be a honorable man. I will not fail. I may have not been able to give him the family I dreamed of, but we are a family, him, Noah, and me. I will also stand beside him with all of the love and support he needs. I also watched as he simply signed over the cemetery plot where my sweet son's ashes are buried. I needed to protect his memory from the way that M has used his death as a reason for his choices. He deserves to be honored and remembered. Not treated as a burden and excuse for M being less than a man. In the end, I have my children and the rest really doesn't matter.

I sat in the little room today with my attorney and saw the reality that is M's life. Tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt since he left. It must be expensive to abandon your family. I saw a therapist not too long ago and I asked her when I would stop being angry. She told me when I began to feel sorry for him. Not sorry in a way that I want to help, but pity for the disaster he must now live in. I may be inching closer to that point. He is drowning in his choices and as I stand on the edge of his abyss, I am pretty sure I will just turn and walk away just as he once did. It doesn't get much more sad and pathetic than living with your parents, your girlfriend and your soon to be born child of deceit all because you can't even afford rent. He wanted mercy. He wanted me to walk away and not ask for what was rightfully mine. My attorney asked for what I wanted and the only answer I had was for him to suffer. What I didn't realize this morning, he did that to himself. I didn't have to do anything to inflict pain upon him. Now, I can sit back and watch his life disintegrate knowing that I got the best pieces.

For a brief moment today I wanted to cry. I just wanted to lay my head on the table and sob. I wanted to let the grief, betrayal, and pain to just wash away with my signature on those papers. I held the tears in as I will not give him the satisfaction one more time of hurting me. I signed those papers and realized that maybe the dream I lost wasn't for me. My new dream is moving on, finding myself, and feeling true joy that is long overdue. I don't know if that dream includes anyone for me, but no matter, I will find happiness. My life is just beginning...

I miss my Monkey

Monkey is with M for the weekend. I know I should cease the moment to do something for me. Instead, I worked on my house, painting and crying all at the same time. I can't do this. My heart and body aches for my babies. I didn't ask to be separated from my children. I brought them into this world promising to love and protect them. I love them more than I imagined I would, but I have failed miserably at protecting them. Reality is sneaking up on me. Soon, my worst fears will be true and Monkey will be a part of their little "family". Fuck me.

Shame

I wear it like too tight wool sweater on a 90 degree day. It makes me divert my eyes when someone asks how I am. It is the way I avoid having to explain my current situation by never mentioning my personal life. It is a 10,000 lb weight that I can't seem to put down.

The shame is tinged with grief. My grief is mine, guarded as if I protect it I will always carry my dear son with me. The shame though, I wish it would get the hell out of here. I didn't do this. I didn't disgrace my family. I didn't put my son last and act like a coward.

I want to hold my head high. I tried when there was nothing left to try for. I stood by Monkey when I thought there may be no more to give. I learned there is always more for your baby even when you think you can do no more. I survived. Don't I get to hold my head up for that? I survived watching my son suffer for 90 days, dying, and having my family torn apart by the one person I trusted the most. I am still here. Doesn't that count for anything?

Why does he not carry the shame? A baby shower for a child conceived out of lies and deception? Does no one seem to think that maybe it is inappropriate considering his marriage is barely over? Apparently, his remaining friends and ignorant family can let all of it go and celebrate his acts of abandonment and immorality. I know the baby will be no matter what, but to flaunt such a horrible transgression against those who loved and supported you? To carry no shame over the "mistakes" you have made? It is as disgusting as he is. I am so sorry that he is Monkey and Noah's father. They deserved so much more than him.

I think I am going to be sick...

Fuck me.

It is a boy.

Does it ever stop?

What next, will it be twins?

Will they name "it" after Noah?

Will he disgrace my dead son even more?

It all makes me sick. I just don't understand God and these terrible jokes on me. I must have been really bad in a previous life to deserve all of this.

When do I stop fighting?

I am tired. My mind is on overload and honestly I think I am fighting a losing battle. M told me that she is living with him. How exactly does that work when our court orders specify that she cannot be anywhere near Monkey? He claims she leaves during this time. Are you fucking kidding me? Here is the irony. They are living with his parents. Wait it gets better. His Dad is a minister. What kind of fucking minister is okay with his son and his knocked up mistress living with them. Apparently, all sins are forgiven. The hypocrisy just kills me.

My attorney and I have discussed the issue and she has given me the choice of taking him back to court for contempt. He could lose the right to have Monkey in his home if I win. It could also be ugly and nothing would change except adding more fuel to this raging inferno. What the hell am I to do? Am I to follow him each evening that he has Monkey for a visit? I have tried very hard to not do that. I am trying to rebuild my life and it is impossible to let go when I am so very worried about my son. I hate this. It is exhausting and I have lost my temper with him more than I care to admit. My good friend told me I must stop letting him get under my skin. I just need to walk away and not engage with him. It is so hard. I am so mad that at times I feel so very out of control. I haven't decided about court, but it is something to consider I guess. Am I protecting or hurting Monkey by keeping him from his Dad? I just want to do what is best for him. He deserves so much more.

I want Daddy.

Three words that rip my heart out of my chest. There stands my heartbroken little boy in his striped pajamas crying, "I want my Daddy". At first, I feel like a total failure, but then it occurs to me that of course he misses him. This is just the first time he has really been upset by the drop off from M. We try to talk about his day. We sing and giggle, but even with distraction the tears are still there and he still misses his dad. I don't know how to take his pain away. I try so hard to put on the brave face, smile, and tell him it will all be okay. How do I convince Monkey when I have yet to convince myself.

It's not that I haven't known he missed M. We went months in the beginning where he asked and ran to the front window every time he heard a car drive by. That little face would press up against the glass and he would look so disappointed that it was not him. Since then, Monkey simply says "Daddy, bye, bye" and goes on. Tonight was different. He was beside himself crying. Nothing I did was right and it is perfectly okay for him to be upset. Hell, I am an emotional wreck at times. It is allowed.

How do you help a 2 year old process this? I am soon to be 30 and cannot process it. How do I explain this? How do I mend his broken heart when I can't mend my own?

_______________________________________

I will wake up in the morning tomorrow and be 30. That is a slap in the face. Your twenties are supposed to be great and mine have kind of sucked, minus getting my boys. I think I am going to give my 20's the finger and try to see 30 as a do over. If I don't look at it that way it is just depressing.

So, Happy Birthday to me! 30 has got to be better. I am going blow out my candles, eat my cake, drink a beer, and welcome a new year and a new start.

It is Official!

It is mine. It is dirty, dark, and smells kind of funny. It is my blank canvas in which to create my safe haven. I signed on the dotted line (or like ten of them) and I am officially a homeowner. I did it all by myself. Granted signing the papers is the easy part, now I have to work and make the payments. Each month when I write that check, I will know I have survived. I will know that I have succeeded at giving Monkey a loving home.

In a few months and after lots of sweat (probably some tears), this ugly house will be transformed into my home. I tore out the carpets immediately to see what the wood floors held beneath. Besides a few blemishes, they will be beautiful after some tender loving care. They are worn and tired, but with some stain and polish they will shine again.

This house is a new start. I am hoping as I find it's secrets and all it has to offer. Just maybe I will find myself along the way. I know just how she feels. Years of wear and tear can take it out of you and make you look a little rough around the edges. With a little love and attention, a transformation can happen. Wipe away the dust and just maybe the beauty will shine though.

Long weekend

Monkey is with M this weekend. I am getting my first taste of being truly alone without my sweet boy. I know I should cease the moment and do something for me, but I simply feel sick worrying about him. I can't trust M to not have the whore around my son, court order or not. Do I drive over and watch making myself crazy or do I find a way to accept that she will get to play Mommy to my boy? It seriously makes me sick.

I suck at being alone. I always have. When I am alone all of the fears and regret begin creeping in. What if I am alone forever? I miss having that connection that only your soul mate has with you. I miss waking up in some one's arms. What if it never happens again for me?

I actually don't think I am capable of being with anyone. I am so broken and these wounds must heal so much more before I can even consider finding someone else who will probably just break my heart. What if M was my soul mate, but I was not his? Does that happen? Why did he have to hurt me so badly? Wasn't losing Noah enough hurt for this lifetime? I sometimes think I cannot bear this burden, but the quiet moments with Monkey when he kisses my cheek and hold my face in those little hands remind me why I must fight. I want him to know love and happiness. I vow to figure out a way to be happy for him. Whether I am alone or I stumble across that person who loves me for my baggage and all, I must find peace with my life.

I am just lost, lonely, and so very sad. Being here alone gives me time to think of the life I left behind or that left me behind. I was happy. We had our problems, but overall I was happy and I loved M. I am beginning to think he never was. He married me because it was the logical thing to do after college. We had babies because that is what we should do (I wanted them desperately, but I am not so sure about M). Losing Noah was the last thing I guess he wanted to hang around for. I know after that I was depressed and totally wrapped up in my grief. I just stopped trying to make him happy because my efforts were useless. He just avoided me and our life.

Going through this has left me wondering if I deserve to be loved. I have never felt so poorly about myself. I keep thinking a new haircut or new clothes would make me feel better, but it doesn't. This body still carries the scares of my boys and the stress of the last three years. I feel so old and disconnected with the world. I am struggling to let people in because the real me is a fucking wreck right now. I just don't know where I go from here. I don't know how to be happy.

Finally..

I did it. After weeks of looking for it, I found it.

I actually slept last night. I only woke up once and I was able to quiet the nasty thoughts in my head so I could return to sleep. It was wonderful. After 8 full hours of sleep, I am a new person.

It must have been the knowledge that M would soon learn the repercussions of his fucked up life.

_________________________________________

I laughed out loud today. Something I haven't done in quite some time. I actually felt momentarily happy as I heard him say "I can't afford that" on the other end of the phone. His voice was a mix of panic and anger, but it made me smile. Paybacks are fun when well deserved. I simply told him it wasn't really my problem and hung up the phone. I would have paid good money to watch him squirm.

_________________________________________

I got to work this morning to an email saying:

"The best revenge to the woman who stole your husband is to let her keep him."

Very true. I am sure the fantasy she is having is slowly crumbling as she realizes the money tree has lost its leaves. I am sure they will muddle through, but not quite as easily as she had expected.

Sleep

It eludes me. It tempts me into its safety and then runs away. I crave it, take drugs for it, and yet it still doesn't visit.



It has been weeks since I have had a full nights sleep. Either I can't stop the never ending tape of what is happening and I become so angry that I should just explode or I fall asleep to only dream of the reality I live each day. I am considering another visit to the doctor. Maybe there are better drugs. Ones that allow you to sleep, but not dream. Maybe there is something that will bring a happy dream. Is there a pill to swallow that would summon my sweet boy to come and visit? I could really use that right now.



I manage to get up in the morning and function, but my midday my mind is shit. If it wasn't the stress, I would swear I have ADD. I can't concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes before I am totally distracted in something else. Usually it is my own thoughts on just how shitty this all is. I am trying not to dwell, but sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself and wonder how I ended up here. This place sucks.



_____________________________________________________



We finally have worked out a parenting plan. At least until tomorrow when my attorney drops the bomb on him of what he will be paying in child support and maintenance. He is going to shit himself. Let's just say a very large portion of each of his paycheck's will be making it's way into my checking account. Let's see how easy it is for him to support super slut and her spawn on the measly amount left over. He as piled up the debt over the last year while we were separated and I can't wait to watch him squirm as he figures out how to pay me, his debt, his slut, and for his own living expenses. Maybe karma has finally come to visit in the form of garnishments. Money seems to be the only thing that hurts him anyway.



Unfortunately, in my state the courts don't really care about the cheating, lying, and immoral behavior. He still gets his visitation. Fuck me. It is now my job for the rest of Monkey's life to undo all of the damage that the son of a bitch will do to him. Apparently the courts do not care unless your child is being beaten and even then it must be questionable. M will still get Monkey over some weekends and during some evenings. I have restricted his time as much as I am able. He has very limited overnight visits as I want my sweet boy tucked into his bed each night where I know he is safe and loved. Once the spawn arrives, I am sure that M won't have much need for Monkey. It is sad to say that, but probably true.



I asked the ass last night why he just doesn't move. Do your kid a favor and save him the embarrassment of you. He actually admitted that he is considering it because his friends just can't seem to forgive his behavior. I wonder why? Maybe because they have more morals? I can only hope and pray that he leaves. It would be a blessing for both Monkey and I.



_______________________________________________



Thank you for all of your kind words and profanity laced jabs at the asshole. It is nice to know that I am not walking this pot hole filled road all alone. It sucks right now. I am tired and beaten down, but I have a whole world in front of me. All of this divorce shit should be over soon and I get my house next week. I am really excited to start building a home for Monkey and I.



By the way, Happy Blogoversary to me tomorrow. Sadly, I haven't made it as far as I had hoped in a year. A year ago, I was wrapped up in my grief of losing Noah and trying to make sense of M's departure. Now, I have learned how to make it on my own despite the shit storm that hit this year. This last year can kiss my ass. May the next year be better and full of happy Monkey laughs.

Are you fucking kidding me?

She is pregnant. Conceived while I sat in marriage counseling desparately trying to save my family with that lying bastard. What a fucking joke my life has been so far. I hope the puppet master is laughing his ass off as I give him the finger. Fuck you!

I don't really don't know what to do with this confirmation of my worst suspicions. The worst part is her due date is right around the Turtle and the Monkey's. I am thinking horrible things that I will not write. Karma is a bitch and she better be visiting his sorry ass.

I am so humliated and sad for Monkey. His life has now turned into a Jerry Springer episode. He will be surrounded by this trash and there is nothing I can do to stop it. M will still get his parenting time and that slut will get to play house with my child. Monkey deserves so much better. I am doing my best to give it to him, but I can't stop this.

I am so tired of picking myself up after getting knocked on my ass. He hadn't even filed for divorce and he couldn't keep it in his pants. I am so pissed. Didn't Monkey and I deserve any better than that? He has disgraced both of his children. Monkey will one day figure it out and he has made a mockery of his dead son.

I know I am rambling, but my mind won't slow down long enough to develop a thought or let me sleep. I just keep replaying it in my mind. She is nasty with a history of drug and alcohol abuse, as well as being a rather large slut. Maybe that was the draw for him. I am personally surprised she is still pregnant. It wasn't to long ago that she "took care" of that last baby. But that baby's daddy didn't have any money or a job. I guess she thinks this looks better. He is an idiot. I am guessing he will get fired from his job for fucking his receptionist and then find pathetic excuses as to why he owes me child support.

Right now, I am just angry. Angrier than I have ever been before. I am sure this news will sink in and I will be sad and hurt. A piece of me wonders what I did to deserve all of this, but that gets me nowhere. I am grieving my son, my marriage, my family, and the idea of never becoming a mother again. Right now, I can't see pass tomorrow. I honestly am teetering on the brink of losing my mind. I just need a break. Something to stop the memories, the reality, and deaden the pain for just awhile. This is just so damn hard.

Things that suck...

Waking up to a puke covered Monkey...

Using my only sick day I have earned so far...

My ex-husband...

His slut girlfriend....

Attorney's...

Being alone....

Tears

I don't know if it was simply becoming a mother that made it happen. The minute I knew there was a little one(s) growing inside me it started. One by one the tears began falling. I am not saying that they were tears of sadness. It seems all things make me cry.

Before the boys, I was a true believer that you don't cry in front of others. I am still that way to a point. It is just now that I can't seem to stop them from falling. They creep up on me at work, putting Monkey to bed, looking at an old photo, and mostly in the middle of the night when I think the silence will swallow me whole.

Once the boys arrived, I was a mess of hormones, fear, love, and bewilderment. I cried. I cried a lot, but I was still able to contain it. I could hold it together to talk to the doctors. I put on a brave face and acted as if I would safe my sweet son. Maybe there was no other way to cope.

The tears would come visit daily during Noah's life. Sometimes, they were sad, others angry, but mostly happiness that I had one more day with him. I would look at his sweet face and memorize each detail afraid it would be the last time. I would even grab my camera in fear it would be the last photo of him.

As I sat in that old rocking chair holding Noah as he took his last breaths, the tears ran like a river. I don't remember every saying anything. The tears just slid down my face as I tried not to blink. I didn't want to miss a moment. I knew this was the last time I would memorize his face, hands, body, and feet.

For a long time after Noah died, I can honestly say the tears became my best friend. It was a release of guilt and grief that I didn't know what to do with. I would wait until M went to work and Monkey was asleep and I would scream cry with a fury only a babylost mama would know. I would then pick myself up and pull myself together and become Monkey's mama. I would wipe away the tears and force myself to be grateful for what I had.

When M told me he was leaving, I found myself lost. The tears were hysterical. It was so different than all of the other times before. I think they were tears of knowing that it was over. Knowing that my best friend had turned his back on me. Knowing that I was all alone.

I have survived 10 days as a single, divorced mom. I have cried every single day since my babies were born. The tears now are so full of enough hurt and despair to fill many lifetimes. I find myself fighting the tears as a friend offers support or I hear Monkey say "I love you Mama" in his sweet little voice.

I keep thinking that eventually I must run out of tears. That for one day, they won't run down my face. I am surviving and moving forward but it seems the tears just keep coming.

Ups and Downs

One day I can kick the world's ass and the next it kicks mine.

Mother's Day. I wish I could say that I have ever had a good one. The first was so sad and bittersweet. The next, I was grappling with my departed husband and my faltering marriage. This one I am still digesting the fact that I am no longer married. I am a single Mom. Do you know as a single Mom you actually contemplate getting yourself a card because no one may think of you and your child is too little to actually get you anything or even know what this fucking day is? Mother's Day is just one more reminder of the dreams that will never come true. I hope one day that I sit with Monkey and his handmade card and not feel sadness sweeping over me. I hope I just feel joy and pride for my beautiful son. By the way, Monkey and his beloved PaPa got me a great card and some pretty flowers.

This weekend has been hard. I go from thinking I can do this to a heap on the floor. Unfortunately, I have been more of the latter these last few days. We are still sorting out custody and I am really struggling with handing over my son to him and her. Even if only for a night. It makes me physically sick. We have been fighting all day about this. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I just want my baby safe with me.

I am going to try to sleep. It seems to not come these days. I fall asleep and then dream of him leaving me over and over again. I dream of them together happy, while I am drowning in despair. Most nights I awake in the darkness feeling like I will never be happy again. My doctor gave me some Ambien, but I am not a fan of most medications. I hate how they make me feel. If it would erase these torturous dreams I would take it. For now, I will try to only think of my boys and pray sleep come easily.

It is over

Yesterday was a big day. I walked into that court room and watched the world as I knew it officially stop. I didn't cry. I didn't even flinch. I just sat there as the judge said our divorce was granted. He didn't even look at me. It is all over. No more.

I know that there will sad and lonely days ahead, but I am looking forward. I will begin building a life for Monkey and I. I will forget about him and our life. He has made his choice and I am determined to not let him ruin anymore of my life. Today I can take on the world. Tomorrow may be different, but I will deal with that when I need to.

I capped off the day by making a bold move. I bought a house. It is all mine and I get to do with it whatever I want. I can paint the walls hot pink if I want (I won't, but I could) and no one can tell me not to. It is the most frightening and exciting thing I have done in a long while. It is a new beginning. Monkey and I will make it a home. There is lots of work to be done, but I am looking at it as therapy. I will use this new home as a way to find me. I am going to fill it with only things I love and that make me happy.

I survived what I thought was impossible. I can do this on my own. It is in my control to find happiness. The real journey begins now...

The edge of the unknown

I sit here tonight and I simply feel lost. I don't really know how I got here and I have no idea where I am going. I look back at my former life when I had all I ever needed. I had a family filled with people who I thought loved me. Now, I am struggling to accept that the person who once told me he was my soul mate is not here. He has found someone else. I sit holding this sweet baby boy and wonder how I do this. How do I give him a full, loving life when it all seems so horrible and empty?

I can't see past tomorrow. If I think about it, I want to simply run away and hide. If I really picture my life alone, I am going to fall apart. I am barely treading water. I am scared, so very sad, and painfully alone. I know I sound pathetic, but I am simply heartbroken. I miss my life. I am very sorry that I couldn't be the person he needed or wanted. I didn't know he needed so much more and was so unhappy with us. I don't understand how he agreed to having children and then bailed when it got hard. I know neither of us were prepared for what the boys would bring us, but I never dreamed it would be the end of us.

I sit here contemplating calling him. I have so many questions, but know that no answer will take away the searing pain that I carry all of the time. I loved him with all of my heart. I know that I was not the perfect wife. I would have laid down and died for him and my boys. I don't know how to let go and move forward. I can't picture living alone forever and can't picture life with anyone else.

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff. Over the edge is the unknown and I am just too scared to jump in.

You are not given more than you can handle...

I took Monkey back for a recheck today. He is once again getting sick. The cough is back and his sinuses are full. We just finished the antibiotic on Monday. He started getting sick on Sunday. My pediatrician finally looked me in the eye and said he really didn't know what was wrong with him. His test results in regards to his antibody levels weren't alarming. He does think it is something with his immune system. We are missing some piece to this puzzle in making him well.

He is referring us to National Jewish Hospital for diagnostics. Eight hours away. I am not sure how I am going to do this. Things are so unsettled with M and we are less than two weeks from the divorce being final. I cannot and will not sit in a hospital room and look at his pathetic attempts to be a Dad. I am tired, worried, and overwhelmed. I am pretty sure I will not be able to keep my mouth shut. He is a distraction from Monkey and my only care and focus right now is my son. As far as I am concerned, he can go to hell.

It will be a month or so before they can see us so now we just wait and hope he stays relatively healthy until then. They have put him on long term antibiotics to ward off anymore infections. I am scared that they are not going to work and we are going to end up back in the hospital and with a PICC line. That was horrible. I don't want my baby to have to endure anymore. He is already so tired of the breathing treatments and drugs. He doesn't sleep at night and is a terror from all of the steroids. He fights everything I do to make him well. He is simply too little to understand I am trying to make his well.

We left the pediatrician's office today and I just sat in my car and cried. Everyone always told me that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. God must think I am fucking superwoman then. I am tired, scared, and so alone. I keep going because Monkey needs me, but I feel like I am going to snap at any moment. My patience is worn thin and it all seems like an uphill battle. I just didn't know it would all be so hard.

Strength

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
Author: - Unknown

A good friend sent this to me today. It reduced me to tears because I have been teetering on falling apart these days. I am so grateful for those who love and support Monkey and I. They are my strength.

We are home!!

Four days in a small room is sometimes more than a Monkey can handle. There are only so many ways to entertain a two year old. Many coloring pictures later and 9 viewings of Finding Nemo and we were finally sent home! I have never seen a kid so happy to be home. He has been running around nonstop since stepping foot in the door.

Being good...

Not so good...

Just hanging out with our best friend, Puppy (see the nose) watching Nemo.

Anyone up for ride? We must have taken over 100 laps up and down the hall. Too bad we didn't know about the wagon until yesterday. He loved it!

Overall, Monkey is doing much better. He is requiring a small pharmacy right now, but I get the feeling I should get used to it. After two different breathing treatments, inhaler, antibiotic, steroid nose spray, allergy medicine, and our old standby, Prilosec, he should be feeling better. It takes almost an hour to get him all drugged up to go to bed. No word on the tests regarding his immune system. Probably won't hear anything until next week. I don't really know what to think. I will cross that bridge when I have too. I am just so happy Monkey is home!

Monkey wants to go Home!!

Day 3. I can only hope that tomorrow they will spring Monkey free from this hospital prison. This room is getting very small. Between the two year old with cabin fever and the soon to be ex trying to redeem himself as a father, I can't take much more. Monkey is doing better though. His cough is loosening and we seem to have thwarted off full blown pneumonia. They have retested his immune system so now we wait. We will have a chest x-ray tomorrow and hopefully we will go home just in time for Easter.

Cross your fingers!

Here we are again

Next to me lies the sweetest boy in the world. He is sleeping peacefully, not showing any signs of the awful day that has preceded. Once again, I have had to make him endure more than he should for his age. Our ordeal began Sunday. A hoarse little cry and the bark of a seal. I called or pediatrician first thing Monday morning and we started the steroids that day. The croup is gone, but then the cough became wheezing and now we are back at the hospital. The coughing lasted for hours last night. It didn't matter what I did, nothing stopped it. I probably should have brought him last night to the ER, but I hate that place and am still not quite convinced that children ever leave there. I only associate it with death so we waited til today to see our doctor. That may make me bad, but I was doing for him what they would have. Either way, we are here.

Our pediatrician listened to Monkey's chest for just a few seconds before telling me he was admitting him. Monkey has had another sinus CT, chest x-ray, and what seems like a ton of lab work. He was so brave with only a few well deserved tears. He has a another sinus infection and a viral lung infection (I guess that means we were on our way to pneumonia). He has been started on IV antibiotics and steroids. They are also continuing the many breathing treatments.

I am so frustrated. It has been a year since all of this started and I feel we are no closer to making him better. They drew the blood to recheck his antibodies so maybe that will provide some clue as to why we are always sick. I don't want it to be his immune system, but part of me thinks at least it would be a place to start. At least we might have a plan instead of this. On the other hand, I am very scared about what it means if it is his immune system. I can't lose anything else.

I don't know if I can handle much more. I started my new job, which I like very much so far, but after only a week I am not there, but instead sitting in this depressing hospital. I hope they are going to be nice about all of this. I really need this job. It was my spring board to a new life.

I am also finding that this room shrinks every time M steps into it. I just want him to go away and leave me alone. We don't need his help. I have done this before by myself so he is really of no use. I am tired of his feeble attempts to be a father now that custody is in question. Shouldn't he be off with his new girlfriend? It is all so disgusting.

I am hoping that our stay here is short, but my gut tells me it will at least be a few days.

Say a prayer for my Monkey. I just want him to feel better.

Really?

Her (acquaintance from high school): "Hi, How are you"?


Me: "Good". (I know a lie, but really what else can I say? People don't want to hear that you are shitty.)


Her: "Are you M still together"?


Me: "No".


Her (eyes bulging out of her head) : "Oh, I saw him and then saw some girl. It definitely was not you. ".

Me: "Sometimes people make bad choices".

Her: The head tilt and the look like there are horns growing out of my head.

Me: "Okay, I will see you around."

Really? She is like the 3rd person to ask me and then tell me they saw him out with her. I am really tired of the "look". I am more tired of trying to answer in a graceful way. Only profanity comes to mind and that is just not appropriate to answer with.

I have found a solution to this problem. I am going to make up a sign and wear it at all time or maybe I will just tattoo it on my forehead. It will read something like this:

Yes, I had twins. Yes, one is dead. Yes, that does suck. I am lucky to have my living son. No, he doesn't replace his brother. Yes, my marriage is over. Yes, he cheated on me with his skanky employee while I took care of our remaining sick child. Yes, that also sucks. Okay, see you soon.

Let's be honest, no one would stick around much longer in a conversation than that anyways. I may as well be a leper. You do know that dead babies and cheating husbands are contagious, right?

Snow Day

Monkey's don't like snow!

Snow day!

Crazy

Well, here I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate that. It is just so pathetic. I tell myself that I will survive this and be better for it in the end. Not sure I really believe that. I am tired of being strong and more tired of others telling me to be strong. This sucks.

Monday was our 2nd hearing so M could argue over two hours of visitation. It was almost funny it was so stupid for us to be there. He didn't get anymore time so I guess it was one small victory for me. I did finally get to see the counter claim to my divorce filing and he is asking for residential custody. I don't really see that happening, but the nerve of him to ask. He has been gone for almost a year and hasn't spent one night with Monkey since then and he wants him. Whatever. It is all a joke.

When I see him I am more angry than ever, but once I am away for awhile, my mind wonders back to my old life. It was by no means perfect, but it was what I wanted. I am sorry it all ended so terribly. I have found the worst part of this divorce is that I feel like I am losing my mind. I go from strong and ready to kick ass to sad and so very angry.

Did he leave because I was a terrible wife? I am sure I was at times. I honestly wasn't much of wife since the boys were born. I didn't have anything left for him. I just had the will to care for them and to grieve my lost son. Did he leave because I failed? I couldn't give him healthy children so maybe he decided I was defective and it was all more than he signed up for? Was it because I no longer look like I used to? 15 pounds of baby does have a negative effect on your body. I could lose 40 lbs and I would never look the same. Maybe I am just a disgusting reminder of his dead son. Maybe he never really loved me and I sadly believed in it all.

My worst suspicions have been confirmed. M is seeing someone. Not just someone. He is seeing and God knows whatever else with his receptionist. It makes me slightly sick just thinking about it. He took her skiing while I sat at he hospital getting Monkey's Synagis shots and driving an hour away for another doctor's appointment. There are his priorities. I am totally humiliated. I defended him and told myself he would never do such a thing. I was so stupid and blind. I so wanted to believe that he wasn't like that. I wanted to believe that he loved me. He was seeing her while he drug me to the last therapist. All of it while telling me he was coming home.

The worst part of it is the type of person she is. Let's just say she has lived a rough life. Drugs, alcohol, you name it, I am sure she has done it. She is the exact opposite of me. He always said I was to conservative, not fun enough. I know people make mistakes, but really what morals does she have since she didn't seem to have a problem being with a married man. I really think I may be sick. I can't stand the idea of him with her and yet I don't want him anymore. Doesn't make sense does it?

I am sure I am sharing more than I should. I am just so lost and frustrated. I really don't know how I got here. I am trying to not dwell on my old life, but nothing seems to quiet the fear that I will be alone forever. Who would want me? I am broken and surely, I would scare away anyone who dared come near me. I wonder how to be a good Mama to Monkey. He is the reason I wake up each day and keep moving. He is the reason I keep on living.

Monkey will spend the weekend with M. My heart is already breaking just thinking about it. What if he gets scared or worse what if he gets sick? What if he cries and wants his Mama? I have never spent a night away from him. I hate this more than any of it. I wish I didn't have to let him go. I know it is only one night, but what if M has Monkey with his new girlfriend? Now, I really am making myself crazy. It is just one night.

I just want to go to sleep and maybe in the morning I will wake up and this will all just be a bad dream. Maybe when I wake up my baby boys will both be alive and my loving husband will be next to me in bed. I know it is not going to happen, but I still miss my old dreams and life. I am just so tired of being sad and lonely. I just want this all to be over with.

Enough

I know I have been silent for awhile. I may be gone for awhile as I just don't seem to have enough time or energy to do all of this. The divorce is getting quite ugly and we head back to court next Monday to finally determine temporary orders as M and his attorney have decided to play stupid and dispute what was agreed to at the last hearing. Whatever. I can play that way. He just saw the last of the girl who had just a tinge of guilt over not compromising. Now, there is no bending or budging. I am not giving in.

Monkey is sick once again. It is truly more than I can bear at this point. Diagnosis: sinus infection. Big surprise. I really don't understand what is causing all of this. The poor baby has not slept in several nights due to very yucky cough. I can only hope that the antibiotic kicks in soon and he feels better. My pediatrician did agree to retest his antibody level and see if the pneumovax worked. I don't have a very good feeling about things. I am going to shove it out of my mind and call this illness a fluke. My plate is full and I am not sure I am up to this. If I must face it, I will, but if anyone is listening, please let Monkey be okay. He has had enough to deal with. He and his Mama just need some peace.

I am sorry for not keeping up and for my silence. I miss this space. It is truly one of the few places I feel understood. Thank you for that. I will try to update more often, but I am just so overwhelmed at the moment.

This is so damn hard

Monday was the divorce hearing. It was one of the most surreal things I have ever done. M sat a few rows in front of me while we witnessed several other couples end their marriages. I heard one such couple who have been fighting about custody for over 3 years. Just think only 16 more years for me. It was heart wrenching to look at the man I loved for all that time knowing that this is the end. Our attorney's worked out an agreement before we went before the judge. M will see Monkey two evenings a week and part of the weekend. He gets one overnight each month. It is more than I can stand, yet at times I wonder what it must feel like on his side. I can't imagine not kissing Monkey goodnight and seeing his smiling face each morning.

I guess though he and I are different people. My family is the world to me and I would do anything for them. He on the other had has chosen someone else. He has not exactly admitted it to me, but he has made it very clear that he is involved. What makes it worse is that she works for him. She has been in my house. She also has made some very bad choices in life and for risk of sounding judgemental the choices do not set well with someone who has buried a child. It is sick. I am so disgusted by the thought of them. It is so infuriating when I imagine M taking my sweet, innocent baby around her. The court orders state that he cannot have Monkey around anyone he dating. We will see if he follows it. In the end, I know the truth will come out and then I will take him back to court and he will have chosen a fling over his son.

I don't know what to do this with this anger. Every aspect of my life has changed. I have left my home, uprooting my child. We have switched daycare and I will begin my new job in a few weeks. I know I will survive this because I must protect Monkey. That is my only priority. I will provide him a life full of love and make up for the terrible choices his father has made. I WILL NOT allow my son to grow up thinking it is okay to abandon your family. I will teach him values and I must believe that he will one day understand. I love him so much and hurt so much for the hand he has been dealt. He is so young to know so much heartbreak.

I know I have been silent for awhile. I find that there is not enough time in the day to get caught up. I work, pack, and try to do my best with Monkey. I can't sleep and find myself struggling between feeling empowered, overwhelmed, and so very sad. How did this become my life? Was I not good enough?

I'm still here

It feels as if I have been away from this safe haven for much too long. It has been a week, yet enough has happened to fill up the year. Where do I start?

Monkey had entirely too many appointments this week. Tuesday was our visit with the immunologist. He received pnuemovax and then the doctor had the nerve to tell me that we would just wait and see how he did. Really? I'll cut him some slack because he doesn't know that is not the kind of parent I am. He told me if he gets sick again, we will test and them consider immuno globulin therapy whether it be shots or IVIG. I think I may have put my fingers in my ears and began singing in my rather off key voice quite loudly. (Ok, maybe that was just what I was imagining.) I can't think about that. I have too much else on my plate. I can't deal with the what ifs which takes me back to the testing after the shot. He doesn't want to subject him to anymore needles than necessary because the shot may take care of it. I figure I have had to do much worse to him than have his blood drawn so do the test. I may have call them back. I need a definitive answer if there is one to be had.

On Wed, Monkey saw the ENT and he thought he looked good. The surgery was a success and I can tell it has helped. His color is much better and the congestion is actually going away. The cultures revealed that the bacteria was rather common in his sinus' and felt that it should finally be under control. We'll see. I won't believe that until we go at least a month without an illness.

Today was synagis day. Translation being one really long sucky day. Nothing like schlepping a 30lb two year old through the hospital when he drops like dead weight at the door. He wouldn't budge. He knew exactly why we were there so he decided to make it as difficult as possible to get to the pediatric floor. Once we finally arrived, we waited over an hour for the pharmacy to send up that liquid gold (our insurance was billed over $10,000 for the last one). Then we waited another hour and a half so we could go home after those two giant shots. Good news is that is only one shot left for this season and then Monkey will be free of synagis forever.

M was served Friday with the divorce papers. He was rather unhappy as I suspected with the custody arrangement. I received the response from his attorney yesterday and lets just say he must have fallen and hit his head or he is on some kind of drug. He is asking for things that I am pretty sure I will never allow to happen. He wants more time after he tells me that he can't afford the child support. Really? And to top it off, he is on a ski trip. You can afford vacation, but not your child. Also, the fact that he had a fit about going to Monkey's appointment Tues, but could care less about the other two because he was going skiing. See how it works? This is my life. The hearing for temporary order is Monday so I can only hope that the judge will see it my way.

The good news of the week is that I got offered the job I interviewed for what seems like ages ago. We are still negotiating salary, but I will take it whether or not she comes back with more money. Didn't hurt to ask. It is close to Monkey's new daycare (which by the way is awesome). I am going to take this as my sign that I can do this on my own. I am doing this. So much is changing so fast, but I have faith it is going to work out. I know there is a long road ahead for me in dealing with all that has happened, but I will cross that road later after I have things settled for Monkey. He is what matters. I am doing all of this for him.