It's taking some time to process everything that's been happening the last 11 days. I'm a get through it first and then deal with the emotions, kind of girl. First and foremost, I am praying for God's comfort, love and guidance as we walk through what a miscarriage looks and feels like first hand. He alone is mighty enough and loving enough to handle our disappointment, sadness, anger, questions and hurt. I effort to yield my spirit to God for healing and comfort. Only my maker knows my inmost spirit and heart on this. Second, this process is necessary as I have beautiful tiny ones who rely quite heavily on me and a husband who God is calling me to.
Without full healing, my hurts will hurt them. With out God the disappointment, unmet expectations and dashed hope will dim any light and love I have to offer others, especially those in my home. Hurting people hurt people. It's so easy to feel a victim, point finger and expect others to fill my needs, to place the burden of my unspoken needs or wants and unresolved issues on to those around me. That's the fleshly world talking. I just backspaced at the thought that everyone has hurts. Maybe some don't, that's part of every person being inherently different. We come from different families, values, priorities, experiences and definitions of common sense and how we want to be treated. I guess what I'm trying to say is we all process our hurts in different ways. While I may not agree with other people's decisions, choices and venues of cathartic release, I'm not them. The line for me and my value system is when I hurt others, when the toxic level of my own life experiences whether other or self induced runs over to others and causes pain, I've crossed a line. When my words are tinged with sarcasm, when my humor is edged with anger, when my requests are echoing with frustrated disappointment I've strayed too far from God's healing hands. I've failed to be responsible and accountable for myself. When I fail to see the beauty, the good and each person as a child of God worthy of love, forgiveness, respect and unconditional acceptance, I know I've perpetuated pain to others. I've been too easy with myself. I've defended my ways of which are indefensible. My choices and the consequences of them are solely my fault and squarely on my shoulders. My intent, my purpose, my past ceases to matter in the light of the pain. My rationale or justification is insufficient and irrelevant. I have not earned the right to defend or explain myself until the one hurt asks, if they do. If not, my 'reasoning' sounds like nothing more than a reason why the other person shouldn't be hurt and must forgive me.
So I take all of this to the one being who can handle my guilt, my shame and the pain that is at the root of all of it. God. He accepts me where I am and loves me far too much to leave me there. I didn't sign up for a refining process. It wasn't my New Year's Resolution and yet God will. I know He will. He's been faithful in that when I've struggled the most, through abuse, divorce, infertility, failed adoption attempts, during the loss of my sister and step brother and niece. The wonderful thing about God's transformations, they are loving, powerful and heartfelt. They are not reeking with judgment, ridicule, distance or legalism. God's transforming healing is filled with a love with which our world is completely foreign. It's not mushy, week, temporary or selfish. God's loving hands are about safety, strength, commitment, protection and power. God alone can forgive me and help me to change my ways. God alone convicts my spirit showing me how to live faithful to the title of being His child. Only with Him, can I move forward in freedom with the ability to change courses setting the past behind me and striving ahead towards better obedience to Him.
I relate to those who don't want share these kinds of disappointments with others as words of 'comfort' add additional pain. I'm not wanting to discount the intent of reaching out but no one here on earth can comfort these kinds of pains. The effort while inherently understandable, can never encompass, bring closure or full understanding to that which only God knows. Speaking on His behalf regarding your viewpoint of His will falls short as well. Quietly sympathizing and praying can not be encouraged enough. If you're so compelled to speak, I'm sorry you're going through this and we'll be praying is a perfect answer.
We are also called to mourn with those who mourn, not effort to cheer them up. My two amazingly beautiful children are just that. I love them no less in my mourning of the loss of an additional child. I am even more grateful. My memory is not so short that I have forgotten the 3 1/2 years of waiting to see Matthew coming in to this world and the joy of having Daniel so soon after. Reminding me of my blessings does not produce a cure all nor an alleviation of sadness and loss. I know my parents love me no less because of the loss of my sister 8 years ago next month. I know they would have mourned just as greatly had it been me. I also know I will never fill the hole left behind in our family, our hearts and our lives. That gap is Lisa and it's real and will never change. Whether one of God's children has lived many years on this year or several weeks inside the womb He knit them into, it's still the loss of a soul created by God.
Family size is such a personal choice depending on various issues. Faith would be the leading factor for our family. We do hope for another child. We trust that God has a plan to touch lives, to expand His kingdom, to do His will for whom ever He brings in to our family. If we in our faith, are trusting Him, there is no reason to fear the logistics of finances, time or ability to manage. One of the most misquoted phrases that is not of scripture is that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. The bible never says that. Matthew 19:26 says with God all things are possible. Philippians 4:13 says I can do all this through Him who gives me strength. With Him and through Him painful situations are journeyed through. With Him, we can accept and find peace in the tragedies of living in a fallen world. I serve a loving God and that God is not out to get me or break me. He is right beside me offering love, comfort and healing for the taking. To blame God and turn away is to reject the one source of strength that is capable of loving me unconditionally through this process.
It's not a sin to struggle. It's not weakness to hurt. It's not failure to be human and show imperfections. It's just life, friends. Emotions are not the enemy. Struggle is not to be feared and denied. Loss is loss and it hurts. I'm allowed that, it's how it's supposed to be. You can avoid me and my pain. You can have your own theories. You can worry about me. In the end, it's not about you or me.... it's about God. His love, His carrying us through. What ever greater purpose, what ever else is effected by our going through this, I don't know. It's not for me anyway. I can only pray to be faithful and keep walking through this. That's what I can manage right now. There is hurt, there is loss, but it's not to be feared, pitied, judged or worried about.
If it's worth worrying about, it should have already been prayed over. Worry solves nothing, comforts nothing, it merely feeds our own sense of self and control. Talking to God through prayer, listening for His voice in prayer is what gets me through. Yes, we are not islands and I need people. I've learned that. I also know God deserves all of my first and best efforts and fruits. I'll cry to Him, I'll pour out the blunt rawness of this loss to Him, because God is that strong, that loving, that capable. Only He can soothe my soul in those moments when my heart feels engulfed by the waves of pain. Only He can handle my heart's doubts, anger, questions and frustrations. In the end, He'll carry me through and in that process of struggling with Him, we'll grow closer. I'll trust Him more and feel Him in areas of my heart where He wasn't before. This is the journey of faith. I will turn to him hourly and by minute when feeling overwhelmed and He will never disappoint, He will never leave my side. He will always give wisdom when I ask.
If I floated above and never hurt, I wouldn't really be living at all. I would be a step-ford version of a woman, a glass encased shell of smiling perfection, shallow depths and no roots. I'd be easily swayed to culture's messages of using every earthly luxury from money, shopping, food, alcohol, drugs, smoking to my relationships to numb the pain. When I'm hurting, I am not drawn to those with an easy smile, with privilege, good looks or money with the greater pursuit of self, fun and luxury. I'm drawn to depth, strength, compassion, understanding and forgiveness. I'm drawn to tenderness, love and sympathy. The world's offerings can never heal me. They can distract me, they can deaden me inside, they can desensitize me, they can encourage sin, selfishness and pity. Only our Maker can prescribe, diagnose and have the wisdom to know what I need to truly journey through. No modern new age approach can touch the mighty strength and healing of God. There is nothing new under the sun and God is the Alpha and Omega, beginning and then end. Decades, centuries of protests, or turning away, of disobedience can't change or touch the eternal truth of God. When I'm at my most devastated, the rock of God is what I will put my trust in. Amen.
God is not only my savior, He is my Lord.
Psalm 31:14.... But I trust in you, Lord; I say, "You are my God."
