over before it began

so, i saw volleyball dude this weekend. i even got his number. and yup, i even called him. but by the time i called him, i knew it wasn't going anywhere.

he'd rsvp'd to the holiday party my friends and i threw saturday night. he even left a cute reference to us both having double first names on the evite. that got my hopes up! but when he came to the party, it was... different. the vb dude i chatted with a few weeks ago and this vb dude seemed like two different guys. when he left (he and his friends were heading to another party), he hugged me, but when i said 'i hope i get to see you again' or something along those lines, i didn't get much of a response. he just wasn't biting. i thought that was weird, but i was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

it was rather ironic when, an hour after he'd left, my friend drew him as the winner of two round trip airline tickets. i gathered my courage and offered to be the one to call him and tell him he'd won. what the heck, i thought; maybe he was nervous last night. maybe i should give this one more try. i think i was already feeling that i tried plenty, but well, one more shot, just to be certain. so i called him this afternoon. he answered, i told him he'd won and that i'd contact him again when i knew more about when the tickets would show up. we made some small talk, and that was it. he clearly was not interested.

and so today i found myself feeling a mixture of confused and disappointed. do i totally suck at reading guys? was he just buzzed that first time we met, and so he was more talky and flirty than usual? was he just being nice? and of course, the most logical question, what's wrong with me that he wasn't interested!? (yes, i know, nothing is wrong with me).

yuck. i hate all this stuff. i like to think i am smart and a good judge of if someone is interested. so what happened here?! i'll never know. in the meantime i feel very vulnerable and more than a little stupid. i know i shouldn't, but i do. i'll get over it.

one good thing is that i can see that i've grown a lot in the last few years. had this happened even 6 months ago, it probably would have wrecked me. i would have been so depressed, probably for a couple of days. but i'm ok. so this one quality guy doesn't want me. whatever. am i little hurt? yes. i took the afternoon to be kinda sad and yell at god a little bit. but all the while, i was thinking, ok, i'll be sad today, and then tomorrow i'll go back to being my fabulous self. one afternoon of sad is an allowable grieving period for this guy.

my identity is much more grounded in christ now. i truly believe i'm fabulous. god made me fabulous. if vb dude doesn't want to see it; fine, his loss. (though i do admit it's frustrating that he doesn't see it! what's wrong with him!? i mean seriously, if he isn't interested in a tall, model-thin, blue-eyed jesus-loving beautiful web designer (who recently got promoted to associate art director!) who throws fundraisers, makes awesome champagne punch, speaks italian and has a giant heart, then what the hell is he interested in!?)

ok. so... next?