It happened

Red barn happened! I would have to say it was a success and I am excited to see where God takes Squeakybunz! I am hoping to have a squeakybunz give away, so be checking the squeakybunz blog. Squeakybunz are customizable onesies with a matching patch or design on the bum that has a squeaky in it. When baby crawls, walks or lands on his or her bum there is a squeaky noise. It is funny for baby and cute to watch!

Check out squeakybunz.blogspot.com

Red barn, Blessings big and small, and funny Friday

This is a picture of what I am supposed to be working on. No I am not building a barn, but there is a festival in our town called Red Barn. Seems very fitting to me since I do feel we live in the middle of no where. At this festival the town square shuts down and people from the community set up craft booths. There is food and music and crafts. It's like a ginormous outdoor craft fair. I am selling items soon to be reveled in pictures or you can check out my business blog for details www.squeakybunz.blogspot.com. Instead what have I been doing?

1. Fleas: I found a flea about 2 weeks ago. Yes it was A flea, but in my opinion if there is one there is four hundred million. So we called the guy to spray. Yah so that is not a simple process. We had to clean EVERYTHING out of closets, from under beds, off the floors, we had to launder everything. I mean everything. And because I couldn't take our King size comforter to the laundromat I decided to get rid of it. I also got rid of all the pet beds, blankets, etc. We had to kennel the animals while they sprayed because we had to be out of the house for at least 3 hours. In order to kennel all the animals they had to be up to date on their shots. Guess who happen to be due for all shots? All three animals. I can't even begin to tell you how much we have spent because of a flea.

2. Liam's little teeth. Liam's teeth are horrible tortuous little beasts. I only say this because I can tell they are hurting him so BAD. He is running a hundred and three fever and drooling like crazy. We were up last night at 2:30. I was supporting Liam in the bath with one hand while I fed him a popsicle with the other. Once I got his fever down to 101 and I could tell he was sleeping more peacefully.

3. School, poor school it really should take precedence but unfortunately it's kind of at the bottom of the list. Although I do have a thirty pager due on Wed.

So those are the things I am distracted with Here is some blessings in the last few days, things I am Thankful for big and small.

Blessings

1. I am so thankful God does not let me see the future. As many times as I have wanted God to reveal his big plan, I was so thankful last night for ignorance. As I bathed Liam at 2:30 I kept telling myself...even though you have so much to do, you can nap when he naps, you can nap when he naps. Yeah so that won't be happening today...here's why check out #2.

2. I am thankful for big yellow signs on the back of Wesley's Kindergarten door. I am thankful for the sign that tells me: Remember EARLY DISMISSAL, PICK UP AT 1:00. Yah so there is why I don't get a nap, but more than that I didn't "remember" because I didn't know. Aaron has been the one picking up and dropping off the last few mornings and afternoons.

3.I am thankful for daydreaming. As I was driving wesley to school this morning and day dreaming I starting thinking about pumpkin bread...why I don't know but I did and it was in the middle of my day dream that I remembered that I had put our pumpkin bread back in the oven this morning because the middle was very doughy. So it had been in the oven at least 20 minutes. I quickly went home and was able to turn off the oven.

4. My husband. I just am in awe of how amazing Aaron is. I do recognize that not many people have a husband like Aaron and it is such a privilege to be married to him. He is supporting me through school, our business adventure, house projects. He pulls his weight. Sure it isn't always done in the way I want or the timing I need but his heart is so genuine and amazing. I am truly a lucky girl!!

Liam's prognosis:

So we had an update appointment with the neurologist. She told us that he was doing exceptionally. That there was nothing going on (negatively) neurologically with Liam. She said he was very bright very articulate and doing really well. All I could think was, how did he go from having abandonment issues and sensory issues to being exceptional in just a month? Well I felt like the appointment confirmed that Liam is attached, that he does have sensory issues (but only towards the quiet) She didn't think that was possible but I see Liam do awesome in loud crazy situations and then panic the second we walk into the library where it's quiet. We also saw an OT. The appointment was a nightmare. Liam pretty much rolled around on the ground screaming because the OT took away his school bus. In the end Liam did some of the things asked of him. He didn't get high scores in some areas but it was because he wouldn't do the activity, not because he couldn't. I knew he could do them. One time (right after the bus had been taken) the OT was saying Liam can you throw the ball? Look at the ball. Can you throw me the ball? Look I can throw the ball. Can you? Liam here's the ball...the ball...blah blah ball blah blah. Liam finally stops screaming, takes a breath, walks over to the ball, picks it up and chucks it as hard as he can right at the OT. Nailing the poor man since he was completely caught off guard. He then looks right at the OT and says I not want to throw the ball, I want the school bus. He was just as clear as a bell. In the end the OT's expert opinion was that Liam does not have sensory issues but a strong...excuse me...a very strong will. YOU THINK? Well we have already been coming to that conclusion.

Funny Friday

So we have been very half heartedly potty training Liam. He is 100% capable of going in the potty both pee and poop. But he has no concept of peeing in the potty versus peeing in his diaper. Besides all of that he just turned 2 and after going through this with Wes we really wanted to wait until Liam was closer to 3. At this age it seems so much more about our capability then about Liam's. Well anyway Liam had just pooped in the potty, which he calls pee (which does turn out to be a problem). He stands up and says Yay I peed I peed. I said Liam no you pooped what a good job. Liam looks right at me and as serious as can be he says, I not eat it? Shocked I said: No Liam you don't eat it. He says: that's yucky... I said: Yes Liam that is yucky...This goes down as one of those conversations you never thought you would NEED to have.

The other morning I was taking Wesley to School. Now as I said earlier I have been ubber busy. So let's just say personal hygiene has kinda slipped. So I was driving Wesley and he looks at me and starts laughing. I said: Wesley what's so funny? He said: Mom your wearing the shirt you wore to bed. I said: ya I am (not to mention I wore the shirt Yesterday too, I know people it's bad). He starts laughing and says: Mom that's hilarious, I have to tell my teacher. I said: Oh honey I don't think your teacher wants to know mommy wore the same shirt. He says: Yes she would she told us we are supposed to wash our body and wear clean clothes everyday. (Great so their doing a lesson in personal hygiene, that is great timing).

I mentioned earlier that it was a problem that Liam calls his poop pee. Well Yesterday to try and get Liam's fever down a popped him into a quick warm BUBBLE bath. I stepped out of the bathroom (for five seconds people) and when I came back he was sitting there saying: momma I peed, I peed, Momma I peed. I said: yes Liam that's nice you peed. Pee goes in the potty but you'll be fine. But he wouldn't let it go. Finally it dawns on me, wait he calls poop pee. So I part the bubbles and sure enough. It was not just one brown floater but seriously the entire contents of his large and small intestines. GROSS! He just gave me a look like: Look lady I tried to tell you.

Mom Inspiration

First I want to recap the last couple of family movie night movies:

Marmaduke: Super Cute! We were really pleased!

Main message: Being comfortable with you who are and not trying to be someone your not. Kept Wesley's attention the whole time.

The Incredible Mr. Limpet:

Super old movie, according to Wesley it was from the 1980's. It was cute and not scary. Unfortunately I didn't like the ending (I am about to give it away) It is justified why he can't be with his wife (he's a fish) and so she goes with the best friend and he goes with lady fish. I just felt like if Aaron was a fish I would live on the dock...or in a submarine or in scuba gear or something....you know since Aaron turning into a fish is a pretty immanent possibility and I would need a practical plan on how to solve it.

Okay so on to mom inspiration. It's ironic how my inspiration post is going to be one post and so much shorter than the guilt posts. But isn't that life. Isn't that how we as mom's (or humans) are? We live disproportionately in a life of failures and guilt instead of success and freedom. Jesus died for our freedom. He wanted us so badly to not have to experience the weight and consequence of sin that he sent his son for us... Something to think about.

Anyway I had some really great conversations with my Mom last night about how I genuinely feel at the end of my rope. We are needing some answers and to be honest Aaron and I really needing a night away, excuse me, a weekend away. We need the, go to sleep after being uhhhh, together, wake up late in the morning, eat peaceful meals together, catch a movie, play some games, have uninterrupted conversations, sleep, hang out, shop, hold hands, sleep, eat peacefully, sleep, take a shower (for me uninterrupted, without the shower curtain ripped open, only to answer the same question for the 15th time.) sleep. Dry my hair....put on makeup...wear clean clothes...Okay I'm sorry what am I talking about....Hold on...

Yes I have it now inspiration. I have a couple of thoughts that I am contemplating. One is: Since God has a plan for my kids, Do I really think he put me in charge of making sure his plan was carried out? THis may not make sense and I am pretty hopped up on Sudafed, but I just mean I often parent the boys like it's all my responsibility to make sure God's plan (which I don't even know) is not botched by me and my imperfections. I act like somehow if I do everything right, hop up and down on one leg, and hold my mouth right, I can control how my babies end up. I don't consciously think this way but my mom guilt shows me that I must think it somewhere. My next thought that I am contemplating is that It's God's plan, that means it's HIS responsibility I don't have to guess all the time how to parent my boys, I need to extend Love first, Grace second, and discipline third, and remember that is my responsibility. I get to enjoy my boys and take the pressure off. I don't know if that makes sense or if it just seems I am trying to justify shirking my responsibility but I feel I am genuinely beginning to understand as a parent, God's Grace truly is sufficient in my weakness! God called me to be Bethany Rye Wife and Mom inspite of my imperfections. He knew I was going to fail. Turns out he knew I was human. I just have to have faith that what he promises is true and not try to control the outcome.

The last thought I contemplated today was: I am not picking to discipline my kids multiple times in a day. I don't know how I have taken so much of the children's choices to disobey me on myself. I don't know how I let this happen but I am beginning to get it. God created us choosing beings. Because of the fall we are born sinful. We don't need to teach our little people how to be sinners. They already know. WE have to teach them how to make good choices and do the right thing. I began to realize that when Liam is on his 17th temper tantrum of the day...I need to step back and realize this is not an assault on me. It's not an assault on my parenting. It's Liam exerting his God given ability to chose. It is my job as a parent to come along side Liam and to think "okay Liam you chose...You chose WRONG....and now it my job to demonstrate the consequences of your wrong choice." This gives Liam safety. It says "I understand you don't always know or want to pick the right thing.... but I am the parent and I will show you how to learn how to chose right." Every time they choose to disobey they aren't (even though their actions feel like it) saying..."you've failed mom and guess what I am in control..." it's really a "You have asked me to not open the door while we are driving...I really don't care for your directions mom...and well I would like to see what happens if I continue to chose what I want..." It was cool. I had quite a few opportunities to practice this today. I stepped back and very objectively (hmmm well there's no proof it wasn't objective:) re-guided them to obedience. The fits were fewer (funnier) but fewer and didn't last nearly as long. We'll just say by the end of this phase I am pretty confident Liam and Wesley will be secure that his Mommy is in control and that he is therefore safe....safe to try things out but also safe to make the wrong choices because his mommy will help him begin to understand what wrong choices feel like and how making the right choices feel. I know all of this probably sounds super DUH.. and Aaron and I consistently discipline our kids but this post is about the inspiration and the new found freedom that they are the ones making the wrong choice...it's not my fault they are needing to be disciplined. I guess it's not really a post about changing a discipline style (necessarily) but more about changing the outlook for me as not only a parent but a child of God.

Man I love those two little people and I am loving the last 12 hours of this new found freedom to just love my kids and let God work out the details of how he will carry out HIS plans for HIS children.

Mom Guilt part II

I took this picture for a friend. She makes these amazing hooded towels (let me know if you want one!) Anyway the photo shoot didn't go well, Wesley was cringe and Liam peed in the rocking chair.

Before I finish part one I want to mention that the day right before this horrible appointment took place I had had an amazing conversation with my MIL. We talked about Mom guilt and remembering how God's Grace is so sufficient in our weakness. We talked about struggles, strengths and weaknesses. It was such an encouragement to me and little did she or I know that God was going to use this conversation to help me make through what was about to take place. I truly feel that this conversation was from God to equip me for later. I am so thankful that my MIL is a believer and the Holy Spirit used her! She is such a blessing and inspiration to me.

Okay on to part II

So when the Doctor looked at me and said "you know this is your fault," the tears started to flow. I can be emotional but I hate showing weakness. Especially to a Doctor. I feel that Doctors are working for their patients, but there are those doctors who think they are God's gift to humans and somehow as their patient I am beneath them. So I have my teeth clenched and tears streaming down my face. The Dr. looks at me and says "you don't need to cry, you just need to be consistent and think about what is going on. So in my head I was thinking(don't judge me, well judge away) "F you lady.... You have no idea based on the 10 minutes you have been in here how I parent. I am one of the most over analytical and consistent to a fault people I know." It has taken the last 2 years of having Liam just to learn to be flexible and go with the flow and not over analyze. Seriously who do you think you are?" But all that came out was, "I am consistent" (in a very weak barely audible voice) I even did the fff ffff fff noise when I breathed back in. She said yeah but it obviously has not been good enough because he is having problems. So for me the "tape" that I had been playing since Liam came home of: I should be able to help him, it's my fault that I can't "fix" him, I should know what's wrong....this message or "LIE" was being confirmed by this horrible individual. I had finally gotten to a place where I was realizing and truly understanding let Liam be and enjoy him, stop trying to fix him and realize that we can get outside help and that leaves me to be his mommy not his "savior." I knew what the Dr. was saying was not true but it was like taking the biggest struggle or insecurity of the last 18 mo and telling me my worst fear was dead on. ugh.

So after we had this issue with Liam the Dr. wasn't done trying to totally break me. I am pretty sure she was just trying to see how long it would take before I jumped out the office window. I had Wes on my lap and she was checking him over. Now just a little background info. Wesley was antagonizing Liam while we were waiting in the room and so he had just gotten put in time out. I had just taken him out before the Doctor walked in. So of course he was very sulky. The doctor asks Wesley (who is normally a "wealth" of knowledge) how old he was. He held up his 5 fingers. She said I don't know how many that is can you tell me. When he did speak he used a weird squeaky mouth half closed barely audible voice. She looks at me and said "you're so focused on the other one and this is the one you should be worried about. He is going to check out and you won't get him back." I seriously almost threw up. I wanted to say "so basically I am failing in every situation and both of my children." Instead I looked at her and said he is just being stubborn. She said no you need to watch him. AHHHHH I am a stay at home mom! THAT is all I DO is watch them. AND WATCH THEM, AND WATCH THEM! Again AHHHH....So after we left the appointment (Aaron had come to and I am so glad he was there to witness this whole thing), I told Aaron I feel like saying F$%$ it and giving up. I am on Anti-anxiety meds, I am trying my best to give this to God, To take every thought captive, and I feel like in one (what ended up being an hour) appointment I got told I am the cause for everything bad in my kids world. I told Aaron I don't feel like I can do this anymore. If I am the one screwing up our kids then I shouldn't be here. Aaron had also been very impacted at the appointment and I am pretty sure when the Dr. told me this was all my fault, I am pretty sure I saw his eyes fill with tears. He knew how wrong she was and how much she had just hurt me. So Aaron reminded me why it was a lie. Why she was wrong and that I needed to focus on truth! I was still hurt but just seeing the anger in my chill husband made me feel defended and protected. It was a just anger. Well we pretty much had time to pick out the boys treats (for their shots) and then I had to head to class. I was still hurting so I called my mom. I could tell she really hurt for me and she prayed with me before I walked into class. She prayed that God would let class be fun and distracting. Well not only was it fun but I got a chance to talk with the teacher afterwards. She has two boys one in College and one is a SR. in High School. She said that her youngest son has Down Syndrome. After class I asked her how they balanced giving extra attention to their youngest and still meeting their oldest sons needs. We got talking about what had happened with my appointment. She teared up and gave me a hug. She told me that I had to be confident that GOD was in control. I told her that I was hurting because even though I knew the Doctor's words were lies, I hurt that a spot where I was so vulnerable God allowed to be used by Satan. She told me that God didn't allow it. But God can and will use it for his good. I told her a little bit about what we were doing with Liam and the special evening time Wesley got with us. I also told her how I take Wesley on "dates" and we give him privileges of doing things with Daddy that Li Li is still to young to get to do. She said that Wes was getting what he needed and the experience of growing up and realizing the world doesn't revolve around him would be a blessing and not hurt him.

When I got home from class we got a phone call from a physician who we know and were comforted to hear how wrong our appointment really had been. So when I looked back on the situation, while I would not chose to go through it again, I would not trade the experience. We got a lot of encouragement and support from friends. I got to find out that my professor is a Christian and I felt more then ever we were on the right track with Liam or else Satan wouldn't have felt the need to try and discourage us.

Mom guilt

I have always been an over analytical mom. I don't take my decisions concerning my children lightly. Once I make a decision the analyzing doesn't stop there. NO I watch and analyze the results. I ask myself: Did that work? How are the kids responding? Will I do this again in the future? Etc. You get the idea. I try to be lighthearted. I try to let some things go...and don't get me wrong I can be impulsive and spontaneous and fun, I just don't care for surprises and I like a plan...When we had Wesley things were super structured. I worked very hard to put him on a schedule and we stuck to it. We rarely fudged on bedtimes. I also was kind of anal about how much he ate, what kinds of foods, etc. If we were at a store and his pacifier fell out instead of putting it in my mouth to clean it off and then handing it back (human mouths are dirty...uh pretend I didn't just share that:) I had back up pacifiers. I used cart covers so Wes didn't put the cart handle in his mouth... When did I loosen up? I can remember the day perfectly. We were at walmart: I was trying to keep Wesley happy but at the same time look for a particular item. I was looking on the bottom shelf and so I let Wes get out of the cart to "help me." I find the item about the same time that I realize it has gotten very quiet. I look over and Wesley is licking the floor of Walmart. Just licking it. That is when it dawned on me...I can work my butt of to keep this kid safe, happy, healthy etc. and he is going to make choices that will totally undue all of my anal hard work. So instead of working harder I loosened up. No more cart covers! Yeah so I didn't loosen up that much, well not until Wes became a toddler. I started to see he can just eat cake for dinner on occasion and survive. He also can have a nap or bedtime interrupted (and I will pay the consequences) but life will go on. I was just starting to loosen up and Liam came along.

What changed for Liam? EVERYTHING. When there is two that are 3 years apart there is a lot that just can't be done. For example nap times. Yikes balancing nap times and Wes's pre-school schedule and grocery shopping, and bible study, and other errands. Yes there was a lot more loosening up I had to do to survive.

One area I have not loosened up on (but I am trying to let go of) is over analyzing decisions that emotionally affect my children. For example whether or not Wesley should go to Kindergarten this year. That decision was seriously 2 years in the making and man this summer I lost sleep over it.

With Liam it's different. I struggle all the time with how I should be parenting him. When Liam came home he presented issues that I had never dealt with before, as I am sure many parents could say about their second child. But with Liam it was more then that. I struggle and struggled all the time with how do I help him overcome his struggles. How do I be the Mom he needs and not just the mom I know how to be. I would cry and pray for Wisdom. I would lay face down on the floor, at times, praying God would give me wisdom. Sometimes these prayers were cried out pure exhaustion and just wanting relief and answers. But most of the time these prayers have come out of I don't want to see my baby hurt. I don't want to see him struggle so hard with life. I see him hurting and not able to express his hurt. I want him to feel safe and secure and be able to move beyond whatever is holding him back. I have felt mom guilt with both of my children at different times and for different reasons. I would have to say that the #1 reason I have felt mom guilt with Liam is that I couldn't be perfect. I know that probably sounds dumb, but I as his mom I wanted to be exactly who he needed all of the time. Never failing. Always knowing. Because I could and can tell that there is something more troubling Liam then just whatever stage of life he was in I hurt so bad that I couldn't fix it. I put a lot of blame on myself that I didn't know what to do.

Well when we reached out for answers and had the appointment with the neurologist I felt we have been on the right path. I am seeing a change in Liam I never saw before (I really want to write about that but I am realizing this post is getting super long and I need to pick up Wes from kindergarten, so I will save it for another time). I was starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and felt like we were going to learn how to help Liam. Well in order to help Liam things have definitely gotten worse behaviorally for him (as they should, worse before better). Aaron and I are exhausted and running on E. But we see the light and it is getting brighter and so we press on. Well yesterday the boys had a well visit with the pediatrician that I had in the past decided we would not be seeing anymore. Well anyway it's been almost 2 years and I thought maybe enough time had gone by that we should give the Dr. a shot again and take the boys for their well visits. BOY WAS I WRONG. When asked how Liam was doing, I explained (over Liam screaming and writhing in my arms) that he has had behavioral issues but that we had seen a neurologist and were getting answers and working with him. She looks at me and looks at him and says: "what kind of behavioral issues?" I start to give examples, she tells me those are examples of a normal 2 year old. Then she tells me kids only throw fits for 1 of 3 reasons, tired, hungry, and I don't even remember the 3rd because at this point I realized she was clueless (about my child). I said well lets take Sunday for example: Liam had woke up after sleeping 12 hours, had a full breakfast and I said Liam lets go brush your teeth. That is when things went to hell emotionally for him and never and I mean never recovered, to the point that him and Daddy had to stay home so that I could leave and teach Sunday school. She looked at me and said, "no you need to be more observant." Then she asks how we handle Liam when he acts like he is (since he was crying and screaming and throwing himself on the ground). I said "well we used to put him in his bed till he could calm down. Now after learning what we have been learning from a book I am reading (I will give title and author) and the neurologist we are trying a new approach. If he seems inconsolable I hold him and rock him and I rub his hair and face and tell him he is safe and mommy loves him. Or If it seems like he can move on then I tell him to stop it and ignore the behavior." She said "you need to work harder at distracting him before he starts the fit." Then she looked right at me and said "You know you are the cause of this behavior...."

So I have to go. We will call this post part one. There will be more to come. And the best part is that in the midst of struggling and wanting to see God's love for me I got to see his hand move in a big way yesterday...

Liam's prognosis

So we after a year and half are starting to discover a little of what could be going on in our brown bear's precious life. Liam is a bright boy and a sweetheart, but there has always been this sadness or extreme emotion/reaction not suiting to the situation. In public places Liam can become very loud and difficult to control. After almost 2 years of doctors appointments, tears, prayers, exhaustion and frustration, we think we might be headed in the right direction. After visiting a neurologist she confirmed that Liam's abandonment at birth and then living in an orphanage (as amazing as HH was) this has had dramatic affects on the wiring of his sweet brain. So what in the world did I just say? Basically Liam becomes overstimulated easily. He has sensory issues. In the neurologists words we need to not look at his progress based on an average standard. We have to look at where he is at in terms of where he came from. So as discouraged as I felt (when I was thinking of all the times I was frustrated or short with Li Li and to know it wasn't behavioral but insecurity) she praised us as parents at how well Liam is doing. She said for a child to have experienced what he experienced and to be as high functioning and bright as Liam, something was done right at some point. I am not in anyway bragging. No no my friend you would know that from all of my previous posts in which there was an outpouring of failures on my part. No I tell it to you because I realized instead of looking at what we have done right for Liam and how he is who he is because he is our son...I was always looking at where I failed him and how much further we had to go. So to you moms out there reading this...give yourself permission to think of God's Grace and the ways he has blessed you and the ways you have done right by your kids.

So what does this prognosis mean? Well she recommended that we get Liam in a preschool where he was being socialized, evaluated, assessed etc. We got him into a private christian school (thank you mom and dad). Although I really struggled with the decision (both of my kids in school and I'm at home...) the day I found out my little boys teacher was African American I knew this was ordained by God.

What are we gaining from him being there? Well so far...he has a lot more structure to his day. He learns to play and get along with other kids (besides his brother). We can see if he is functioning at a level with his peers. We are also seeing him adjust to a social situation (cries when we drop him off) (happy when we pick him up). We are seeing that he can handle being away and then how he responds when he is back home. As of right now he has been crazy when he gets home. But his eye contact is amazing and he loves snuggling his momma (which lately has not been in short supply). Liam seems advanced in verbal and motor skills but behind in emotionally coping. I have changed his discipline a little. For the most part I hold him when he is throwing a fit and tell him he is safe and I love him. These cry/screaming fits can last 30-45 minutes. But I do see them getting shorter in general. There are some things I do give him a swat on his diapered bunnies. Judge me if you want but I do feel that for a toddler there are times that a swat is the answer. It is done in love and he seems to move on the quickest from this form of discipline (one time he even laughed (uh oh)). So that is where we are at.

So we have arrived. Where did we arrive? Well let's walk through this...

As I walked in the door with Wesley after our "date" I payed the babysitter, went to the bathroom, and I hear hysterical laughing. What do I come out to find? Liam has grabbed Wesley's half full cup of sprite and thrown it across the floor where it naturally explodes on the kitchen floor and naturally some of the carpet in the living room. Does this qualify as arriving? No, what does, is that when Liam saw my look of shock and I think pure exhaustion he runs into the kitchen saying "I sorry Mommy, and grabs a towel and sits down on the floor next to the mess and starts "wiping it up." You would have thought he graduated from college. I was smiling and dancing and slapping high fives, and clapping and laughing. It was so precious to see such a kind gesture come from someone so deeply rooted in the terrible two's.

If adults were children

I looked really hard for a picture of one of the boys doing something that would be socially inappropriate for an adult to do. This seemed to be the only one appropriate for the internet. Wes was about 18mo. Can you imagine if we as adults were just sitting at the table eating, and we just decided to pull our shirt over our head in order to finish the meal? haha!

I was contemplating today what it would be like if I acted like my kids for a day. Let me rephrase that, maybe if I had the freedom my kids had, you know to do socially inappropriate things and it totally not matter.

This idea hit me when the boys and I were running errands. We were in the car and I had just tried to call Aaron to see where our bank account was...before I ran the errands. Wesley, being ever so curious wanted to know what the message was that I left on Daddy's phone.

Here is our conversation:

Me: "I asked Daddy if he got paid."

Wesley: what does he get paid for?

Me: well you know when Daddy flies his airplane?

Wesley: yes

Me: well daddy has a company and they pay him for flying them.

Wesley: why do we need to get paid?

Me: Well you know how we go to the grocery store?

Wesley: Mom could you be Lava girl? Then I will be shark boy?

Me (a little caught off guard): Sure

Wesley: okay so now we can keep talking...

I mean can you imagine if we as adults were just listening to someone talk and we started to feel a little bored. So instead of patiently waiting till the conversation ends, we just interrupt and ask the person talking to pretend to be a more exciting character. Yes envisioning me as lava girl and Wesley as shark boy, did set the scene for the rest of our conversation to be much more exciting.

Here is another instance when I wondered what it would be like if I acted like a kid. Earlier today Wesley had a costume on. He then decided to take it off and was going about the rest of his day in his underwear. As the time for me to leave for school approached I knew the boys babysitter was coming and so I said "Wesley would you like to put cloths on?" Wesley: "Nope." so I said "Wesley Miss Julie will see you in your underwear.." to which he replied "I don't mind." Sure enough he sat on the floor playing trains.

To which I am thinking...really. You don't mind. Hmmm. I can see it now. I am in my underwear. Aaron tells me that we have dinner guests coming over. I tell him I will stay in my underwear because I don't mind...

Or in Liam's case:

Aaron made him food. I put it on his tray and promptly put his hands down at his sides and said: Mommy I no like it! (in his random southern accent).

So there I sit at a friends dinner party. They have slaved for hours over the meal, before even trying a bite I put my arms under, shake my head vigorously, close my eyes and say, " I don't like it."

Or and yes here comes the bathroom humor (no I am not above any funny potty talk!)

Wesley on his 3rd birthday we were eating at a nicer restaurant with some company. Wesley announces loudly he has to poop. After Daddy and Wesley reappear he looks right at the Waiter and says I pooped and it was huge huge HUGE!!!! and grins from ear to ear.

Yeah I don't even have to give you the visual for what it would be like if an adult did that. To some degree you may know from having a husband (hehehehe)....

Oh to be a child!

Light hearted or deep and heavy

It seems 90% of my day is light hearted and funny. These boys really keep me rolling! So why if 90% of my day is light hearted am I so compelled to write about the deep and heavy? I guess it's because that is the stuff I am having such a hard time processing. Well this isn't deep or heavy in a negative way just a thought.

Aaron and I both heard a really amazing week long series done on focus on the family. All in all we came away from it with a strong desire to live as if the comfort of this world truly doesn't matter. Now don't get me wrong...I have the air conditioner on, I am sitting at a lap top typing, and we buy as much food as we need to be full. I am just talking about the big picture (which refines us to change the smaller details). Aaron and I were talking about what it would look like if we lived like God was preparing us for something huge. We were talking about how much we both have a heart for mission work (both state side and overseas). We talked about what it would mean to start a ministry. We don't even know how to go about it. God has always given me a passion for teens and especially teen moms. I want so badly to start an organization that teaches young mom's, not only parenting skills, but also helps them work cooperatively with the school to finish. Not only high school but to go on to college. I would want to model the program after a program I heard about in Gurney Illinois called Teen Mother Choices. Aaron and I talked about what it would look like to work towards that goal. Aaron has always had a heart for helping and supporting Dads. He feels Dads really play a big role in the life of their kids and he wants to set up a program for giving guidance and support for young Dads.

So it's all just in the dreaming phase, one thing we know for sure is that we need to get out of debt. We have school debt and man it would be nice to be debt free. Once we have a plan for getting out of debt and I am closer to being done with school we are going to start taking steps into what could and will be the biggest adventure of our lives. Scary thing is...I don't even know the first thing about how to go about doing this....So that should make it interesting!

Do you ever?

Disclaimer: I am totally hopped up on Benadryl which is my ticket on the looney train...

So super random picture. Just found it and I was laughing so hard. Literally it looks like my stomach will fall off!

*Do you ever get really stressed when you have a male doctor and your hands get all sweaty, and the harder you try to be normal the more sweaty you get? ...no?...okay so bad opener.

*Do you ever wonder why boys get to pee standing up?

*Do you watch reality shows just so you can feel better about yourself or your situation?

*Do you ever wonder why we as humans hurry up just to wait?

*Speeding just to end up waiting at a stop light.

*Rushing to pick your food from the menu only to sit and wait FOREVER...

*Hurrying to start a family only to wait till they can move out (hahahaha)

*Speeding through adoption paperwork on numerous occasions just to wait (killer!)

*If you have boys (especially toddler) do you ever contemplate how similar your house is to a frat house?

*Constant eating

*Constant bodily noises: AT ALL TIMES!

*The toilet seat is almost always up

*People don't flush/ not because they forget but because they are so proud of what was left in the toilet!

*Someone (liam) Grabs my boob at some point (the middle of walmart) and screams Momma booby over and over and louder and louder (as he is, excuse me, squeezing it)

*Waking up with a naked boy in your bed (see an earlier post where someone decided to crawl in my bed to "snuggle" but really needed their butt wiped).

*Boys peeing at random (whether in the house at a toilet or not...)

Man as much as I wish I had a manual for those boys and as much as I kill myself trying, I love those boys and am so happy to be there mom! It isn't always fun but man it just works and I am so blessed to be doing what I do! Even if I do fall in the toilet because it's dark and someone didn't put the toilet seat down...

So if you haven't wondered any of these things maybe you are now. If not tell me a "Do you ever.....?"

Jealous of the women in cell block 6

So Aaron and I were watching this show on TLC called women of cell block 6. It's kind of a detention center/jail were women are held but not in actual prison. It seems like a lot of them are waiting for sentencing, waiting for parole waiting for something. So why in the world am I jealous. Well as you all have probably guessed by now I am super sarcastic. So I am not literally jealous. But after Aaron and I watched the show together he was like, "what are you thinking." I said, "well I was wondering what crime I could commit that would land me in there for a bit of rest and reflection."

That is how I feel. I am just so ready for some time just to process. I feel I go all day and then put the kids in bed and it's my time to start "thinking." Instead what happens is that my brain totally shuts down. There is no processing. Then the next day it starts all over again. What am I needing to process? Well I may put it in numbered form because I haven't processed it....

1. Parenting the boys. We really are getting to an age with them that they need to start trying a little harder in doors to act like civilized humans.

2. We want to get out of debt. How do we do that?

3. We are talking about moving. How do we get moving towards that process?

4. School is going well but this months worth of classes is rough.

5. My "need" to start relaxing. How in the world do I accomplish that?

6. Adjusting to all the 'new' ways I am supposed to sit, stand, sleep, so as not to cause permanent nerve damage.

7. The preschool we should put Liam in...The neurologist believes he needs to be somewhere.

8. Helping Liam. We have seen a neurologist and are on a waiting list to go to the Thompson center.

You know what I think I will expand on number 8. Liam is a very very bright boy! Anyone who meets him is smitten! He is very bright and very sweet. BUT if you know him well enough or have spent enough time around him you can see that something is "off" really only my parents and my older sister, have "witnessed" what we are talking about. Aaron and I see it all the time as his parents. We would struggle because anytime we talk to Doctors and friends, family etc. they all say Oh he is doing so well. Listen to his verbal skills. I get so discouraged because I think "yes he is doing well but something isn't right." Well after seeing the neurologist, I, for the first time left very encouraged. She like all the others was super impressed with Liam's verbal skills and other things he is doing, but after being in there for an hour and talking with us about why we were seeking her help she gave us some insight as to what is going on. I want to right a whole post on it. I believe that some, if not most of what is going on with our little boy, has to do with his "story." But because of everything we have been through and the stress that has accompanied everything, I want to share our journey as we go through this process. I know there are other families in the same boat and I want to help them as I see God helping us and our little man.

Well I am going to wrap up with why I want the R&R prison provides. My boys are super active and literally from (on a good day) 6:30 on they hit the ground running. They are emotionally, physically and I have found spiritually exhausting. Last night on the car ride home, as I contemplated Aaron dropping me off on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, so that I could enjoy some quiet, I told God I was tired of not knowing how to parent the boys. I am so humbled when I think back on the days when my oldest was 2 or 3 and I really thought I had it all together. I really thought I knew what I was doing, and I felt I was doing a pretty stinkin good job! Now I am tired of feeling like I am always "guessing" and "adjusting." I asked God why in so many times of weakness and struggle I felt like I couldn't see Him. Then Job popped into my brain I remember how so many of his friends said "curse God and die." Now I know this seems dramatic but lets just say it was rough day, a rough car ride home, and well it was that time of the month. But I still couldn't do it. I couldn't tell God I was done. I couldn't tell God he had made a mistake. I couldn't give in. I wanted rest and I wanted relief but I couldn't do it. So I put a worship song in...I have to admit this isn't always my style, but I did it. Then I flipped through the CD and just picked a number...here is what I got....you can't tell me God isn't listening:)

"Oh Lord my God when I in awesome wonder, consider all thy works thy hand has made..." I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder, and they power throughout out the universe displayed...Then sings my soul. My savior God to thee. How great Thou art. How great thou art. Then sings my Soul my savior God to thee How great Thou art how, How great Thou art."

Toxic STRESS syndrome

You remember how I am making all of my medical stuff up? Do you remember the doctor after doctor who told me that I needed to wait it out. Do you remember the ENT who asked me "what do you want? to have surgery?" Or when he said I was being superficial because the swelling wasn't "that noticeable?" Well I have some answers to these questions. After I filter out the inappropriate things I shouldn't say...Actually there has been something wrong. Something has been very wrong. I went to an Orthopedic surgeon on Friday of last week. After doing mild strength tests he told me that I had a pulled trapezoid muscle. He then told me I needed to get a shot in my neck and physical therapy. Soooo after almost chickening out, having to ask for crackers, and to hold the nurses hand, I got the shot into my neck. He told me it would help relieve the pain. Not so much. The swelling got worse and I felt a lot more pain. Well I just waited because I knew I was going in for physical therapy.

Long story short I was told my physical therapy was going to be like a message. So I thought I had a prescription for 3-5 messages per week for 4-6 weeks. Well this did not turn out to be the case. After a lot of diagnostic testing the physical therapist tells me I have Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. He didn't give me a whole lot of answers because he said it really now would involve my primary care doctor and an orthopedic surgeon in Saint Louis. Yikes! As far as my diagnosis goes he told me to google it. So I did. It was kind of stressful to say the least. Conservative approaches can be used and may be all I need. But basically what I read was that in 50-80% of people the surgery is successful. Or What? That's how I feel...Or what? What does surgery mean? What does it mean for it to not work? What if I chose not to have surgery and I continue to have nerve damage? Then what? They amputate my arm? I lay it on a fire and forget it's there because I don't have feeling in it anymore? OR WHAT?

The last 3 days I have cried a lot. It's not because this is life threatening...It's because I don't get it. I don't get the plan, the long term, the prognosis, The OR WHAT?...All I know is that we are working on better posture, taping, sitting with support etc. When do I get scheduled with my doctor? When Do I see the orthopedic surgeon in Saint Louis? What happens if this continues? When I was getting my evaluation he lifted my arm and felt my pulse(one of the diagnostic techniques) he found that my pulse stops sooner than it should. Someone who has this 'syndrome' a doctor may find that they are losing a pulse by holding the individuals hand up to about 180 degrees. He said he couldn't feel mine as of about 45 degrees. This morning when I laid down on the table to have more diagnostic stuff done, half of my neck and face went numb and turned red. The doctor said does this always happen? I said no this isn't normal. I am scared. I am losing feeling in my arm, neck and face.

I am struggling. I am so happy to know what could be going on. What a blessing that something so rare was found in me, in my small town! But I am still really struggling. So much of what will keep this from getting worse is stuff that I feel I don't know how to do. You know stuff like not picking up the kids, "taking it easy," um resting with my arm elevated. I feel so discouraged. How in the world can I do those things? It's hard when you hear things like "rare" and "severe, case."

Sorry I don't know how to ask for help and then I don't know how to sit back and let that help happen. I feel extremely overwhelmed right now with things going on in our home. School is the least of my stresses and unfortunately it in itself is extremely stressful. Statistics is not my thing.

I need to also update about Liam but I am to spent. Just done...

God has truly blessed us!

Soo I just wanted to let everyone know how much God blessed me last week. Besides the fact that I got to go on an awesome vacation to florida that my parents generously paid for, God gave me an extra blessing. When I went to Mexico in the spring I came home to a very angry little boy. Liam wanted nothing to do with me. He would push against me, scream etc. It was painful. I mean I know kids will act out and punish parents for leaving but this was a little extreme. So the weekend before we left on vacation the boys had to go early without me. I had to stay back because I had class on Monday, and well 7 papers to write. It ended up being a super productive weekend and I got lots and lots of cleaning done. But I was dreading I mean dreading connecting back with the boys and dealing with whatever yucky stuff Liam was going to dish out for not being around me. BUT I was wrong. Well I had a lot of people praying about it and I myself prayed pretty hard. I didn't get to see the boys when I first got to the beach house. But the next morning I was the one who got him out of bed. From that moment on for the next 24 hours he was a true momma's boy. He wanted nothing to do with anyone else. He didn't even want anyone to look at him. LOVED IT!!! Thank you so much GOD.

Just thought I would share a major triumph in my world!

Youngest comic standing

So today's comic blurb comes from once again from a younger member of our family. I do believe I could get on the show but all of my material would be one hundred percent reliant on one little boy and his never ending supply of awesome, yet very unintentional humor.

Often Wes and I will have a conversation that is totally normal and suddenly takes a turn for well, let's just say we will often "switch to pretend" and I have no idea. Well I usually catch on pretty quick:)

Wesley and I were having breakfast out on the deck. Here is the conversation that followed.

W: Mom it's a beautiful day.

Me: It really is...what do you think we will do today?

W: Well I have 16 sons and 7 no 17 daughters.

Me: Wow that's a lot

W: Yeah they help make dinner.

Me (thinking he is on to something): That is a good thing. Who is your wife?

W (slapping his head out of exasperation): Ughh I always forget, like who she is, but when she is around I can remember her. But then she leaves and I forget who she is.

M(holding in a giggle): Dude you are so cute...come give mommy a kiss.

W (reluctantly giving me a kiss): Fine now you can be my wife. But we will have to do something about Daddy.

M (all out giggling): We sure will huh...!

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Now we really don't use profanities in our house. Seriously, okay sometimes I think them but we really try not to even say things like gosh and shut up and stuff like that. I just wanted you to keep that in mind before you read on.

I was having the boys try on shoes at a store. I was actually trying to find some cheap water shoes for the beach. Anyway, I had already tried some on Liam and well he wasn't handling my diversion of attention onto Wesley. So I handed him some FLIP FLOPS. They were clean and I thought he could be play with them as he loves Loves Them.

Me: Here Liam here is some flip flops

Liam (playing happily at first)(he then threw them on the ground and what came out of his mouth next shocked me.) Momma my F$%# flop.

Me(looking up in shock): Your what?

Liam: Momma f#$% flop, f#$% flop, f#$% flop

Now of course Liam is not actually saying a bad word, as he doesn't know any, and maybe because I knew that, it made this situation even funnier. Not that potty words are funny but seriously he kept saying it louder and louder and getting more and more frantic. I just couldn't stop laughing. I eventually had the ability to say yes Liam your flip flop...

Anyway it was funny in a shocking please dear God don't let Wesley guess what brother is saying (a game we often play:)kinda way.

I get to start over

I have to start off with the statement that "the crap hit the fan last night." What was the straw that broke the camels back? (Ironic with metaphorical phrases since I learned last semester people use them to avoid the language that truly describes their feelings.)ANYWAY... The straw that broke my back, as I feel I must be the camel, was discovering ring worm on Wesley's head. Yes indeed. WE have been fighting the fungus(yes it is a fungus and not an actual worm) we have been fighting the fungus ever since august or october or something. The interesting fact is that when I look back at pictures of Liam when we first brought him home I can see the ring worm rash on his face. So for any of you who just brought little ones home, or if you have been home for awhile, and you have notice tiny little bumps in a cluster the size of a pencil top, it could be ring worm. Well it has gone from person to person for the last, what feels like million years. We finally made the choice to put Liam on the oral stuff to see if it gets rid of it. Well 1 day later we find it one Wes's head and I couldn't take it. I was just exhausted. Tired of ring worm, tired of school, tired of missing my kids, tired of schedules that I seem to be the only one rearranging, tired of being tired, tired of failing, and tired of feeling like I have no idea what is wrong with me (yes I got results back I will mention those in a bit.) So I started sobbing I mean the blubbering kind of sob, like Dianne keaton in As Good as it Gets. If you haven't seen it you must rent it. Anyway Aaron was awesome as always and just did a good job of listening. Listening and comforting. Well then during my group counseling class I played the stereotypical group member who was supposed to cry. Although I felt very cried out I pretended to sob for the next hour and a half. Needless to say I came home exhausted and with a bear of headache.

So I found out the results of my CT scan. The doctor said the results didn't show why there is swelling at the base of the neck. My conversation with the nurse went something like this...

Nurse: the results showed the neck was clear.

Me: Wow that is really good news but kinda frustrating because I am back at square one.

Nurse: Yeah the doctor has written that you can definitely see the swelling and that it is definitely coming from somewhere. But that an MRI would be a better test.

Me: An MRI then why did we do a CT

Nurse: because ENT's often do CT scans so they show better pictures of the sinuses and such.

Me: So they show my sinuses(I feel mine are in really bad shape)

Nurse: No we just took a picture of your neck.

Me: Weird

Nurse: Yeah the ENT wants you to see an orthopedic surgeon and he will probably order an MRI.

Me: great a get to start all over again.

So there it is. There is my results!

Last comic standing

First of all I just wanted to say thanks for some of the most encouraging and kind words. It is so scary being vulnerable, sometimes you get roasted for it and sometimes super blessed.

So no news on the CT scan. I did call today. Actually I called friday just a few hours after it. I was thinking with the way technology is maybe they could just put the video on you tube and my doctor could view it from there. My estimations had the whole loading viewing and everything done in a few hours. Turns out not only do they not upload it to the internet but they don't even let it leave the university hospital. When I called today (which was the direction given by the receptionist on friday she said...I would call back on Monday) I found out the ENT I saw wouldn't even be in till wednesday. When I asked if they could tell me whether or not he was at his private practice, she sort of snort laughed at me and said, "I don't have his schedule here, his private practice is not affiliated at all with university hospital." Well excuse me... first of all when was that a weird question and second of all what is up with this "university hospital" talk. It's the mid-west. And not even the well known mid-west. More the middle of a corn field mid-west. So anyway I won't know till Wed.

So We just watched last comic standing which I have to say is pretty funny. It has inspired me to move to Hollywood and become a stand up comedian. I think I would go with the whole jokes exaggerated and made up from my own life. Mostly about the kids.

I will leave with a quick humorous monologue between me and one of my children. He will remain nameless only to save face when he is in his 20's and my blog is famous since well I am a famous stand up comedian in hollywood.

Picture this: me fast asleep in my bed (always a good place to sleep) Anyway I'm fast asleep and one of my kids (who will remain nameless) comes and crawls in my bed. I reach over to snuggle him and I discover he is naked. Here is our conversation:

Me: uggh why are you naked

Unnamed child: Because

Me: because why? where are your close

Unnamed child: I took them off and I pooped

Me: you pooped, you pooped where

Unnamed child: Mom I pooped in the potty where poop goes and I need you to check my butt and make sure I wiped good.

Me: if you need me to check your butt because you pooped then why you are crawling into my bed?

Unnamed child: yeah I thought we could snuggle first.

Thoughts

So I am supposed to be crawling into bed. That is so weird that we say crawling...I would not crawl I would walk and then somewhat leap/fall into bed. Anyway I just have a lot on my mind. A lot. I had my CT scan today. I didn't find out any results. I will find them out hopefully monday but possibly Tuesday is my guess. I keep thinking how much I want them to call and say everything is fine. Then there is the practical side of me that wants them to see something so we can figure out why my shoulder is swelling, why I am so tired and I continue to lose more and more feeling in my arm and now some of my neck.

I had a lot of reflection time today as I made the drive to and from my appointment. I felt okay going alone until I laid down on the table. Then a moment of sheer panic went through me. I wondered what if I am allergic to the dye? What if something bad happens? What if it really hurts and I cry. By it really hurting I just meant the IV part. As the tech was setting stuff up and I was "alone" in the room, it was almost as if I heard God say "but you aren't alone, you trust me to hold your babies, trust me to hold you too." From that moment on I can't say I wasn't "scared." I was scared with hope. Meaning, I was scared but I knew it wasn't my job to need to be brave or to fake it, or force myself to feel something I wasn't. I let God be brave for me. I have to tell you after about 2 min. I was totally fine. I might have even gotten a little arrogant at how well I was doing.

It's fine if I sound like a weirdo or a baby but when it comes to stuff with me I don't usually think about it until it is the exact moment i am in it. Then it hits me kind of a "hey this is kinda scary..."

On the way home I really got thinking. What if everything isn't okay? When it is your baby whom you are worried about nothing else matters. I mean nothing. During this time it has been me...everything else still matters. My husband matters, my kids matter, my school matters, housework matters. How does being sick fit in that? Guess we will cross that bridge if we have to.

You know it's funny I've been thinking a lot lately about God's love. See I have always been the type of person who gets the just side of God. I get the all powerful, all knowing, but I don't understand the love part. To be honest I sometimes question how it is that I am a Christian. I want nothing more than to please God yet all I do is fail. So many times Christians (or at least a lot of the ones I know.) Get the Love side of God. There is so many books and songs and such that sings about the love of God. I'm a "my God is so Big so strong and so mighty there is nothing my God cannot do.." Kinda girl. Lead me into war God... But when you start talking about God loving me I am so humbled by how much I don't deserve it. Which I know is what makes his gift of eternal life that much sweeter. It makes me so grateful to know that God's Grace is sufficient. I used to pray that God would give me his wisdom and his holy spirit so that I could do everything right as a parent. But within the last six months I have started praying that God would give me strength to stay strong and consistent and that his Grace would fill in where I am week.

Sorry back to the God's love part...So I struggle with conceptualizing this. Today God gave me a really sweet reminder that I am his little girl whom he loves very much. I felt small and scared, alone in the big room with a machine, that had a hole that apparently I was going in head first. Then they pulled out the needle and plastic tube that they were putting in my arm. I actually said "Oh I didn't realize you used that, I am going to need a minute." I just felt little and scared (anyone would feel small looking at this machine:). I realized that my preparedness my take control, and the bull by the horns attitude has been hindering my ability to be loved on by my heavenly father. Who happens to think I am precious. It was nice to have those few hours of vulnerability and trusting God with my weakness. Let's just say he didn't let me down:)

Sorry I don't know how to turn my pictures. Anyway here are some pictures of Liam's birthday. I wanted to post about how life is going with our boys now that we have been a family of four for over a year and a half but unfortunately I just don't have the energy. But I will do it. Just enjoy the pictures. This also happened to be the year Wes turned 5. In my book 5 just seems like a really big deal (for momma:). For Liam we had lots of people over and just praised God for our little boy. We also had the added blessing of celebrating his surgery going so well. His party was Mem. day but his actual birthday was June 2nd which happened to be the same day we got the results back from the biopsy and everything was benign. Thanks for all your prayers! I am off to eat a Twinkie and head to bed.

New Dr. Visit

I will post more pictures from the swingset building, but here are a couple to help build the anticipation. Then I will also post about Liam's birthday and some pictures. Maybe even a video.

So I had an appointment with another ENT. This appointment went much better then the first one. He still didn't know what is wrong. He did say I can't say yes this is cancer because I can't feel a hard mass. I kinda thought woe who said anything about cancer? I kinda stopped that train of thought a few days after the swelling first showed up. At the time though I was just having the spot checked out, I wasn't experiencing any pain. Now 2 months later I am having pain and as of 3 weeks ago fatigue like I have never felt before. No that's not true, I felt fatigue like this but I was pregnant. I'm not pregnant. It sucks. Sometimes I am so tired it takes everything I have just to have a conversation. Other times I pull it together and do housework play with the boys etc. I can count on the next day being totally wiped out.

So when the doctor looked at me first thing out of his mouth was "It's definitely swollen." It's being caused by something...we just have to find out what." I was so surprised. This was a very different approach then the you have something found in large, elderly people and lets watch it for the next 3 months. Then he went on to say that we would need to do a CT scan. If the CT scan showed something we would have to do what is called an ultra sound biopsy. Yeah apparently that means while they use an ultra sound machine they then stick a needle in my neck and suck stuff out to have it biopsied. Here is how that conversation went:

Doctor: so if the CT scan shows something we will need to do an ultra sound biopsy since it is underneath your muscle. That is the down side of this not being at the surface." (as if there is an upside?)

Me: So they would need to sedate me for that right?

Doctor(looking kinda confused): No it's just like a bad blood draw.

Me: Okay so they pretty much strap my head and body down so I can't move while they do it?

Doctor(looking really confused): No they pretty much expect...

Me(interrupting and laughing because I know myself and I know they are going to wish they had sedated me and strapped me down): No they pretty much just expect me to act like an adult and lay still."

Hehe fat chance...

While my CT scan is next friday. I have to drive to the appointment and it looks like it might be by myself. I heard the CT is no big deal so I should be fine. I just hate driving that far and being so tired.

Thanks for the prayers.

I lost a comment

So totally weird post but I lost a comment from my last post. I clicked publish all and then went to my post to check out their blog and somehow their post is lost in cyber space. So if you are reading this post and it's you please comment. I would love to check out your blog. You commented on your I think 19 mo. old repeating everything. You affirmed how super annoying it is :)

Thanks!

Hindsight is always 50/50 or is it 20/20?

So I hate when people tell me anything starting with the phrase "well in hindsight..." I actually despise the whole concept of hindsight. Well of course hindsight is 20/20 your not in the moment. Of course you can look back and think of all the shoulda woulda coulda's that would have made that moment perfect. So really when people are sharing their hindsight they are actually putting the pressure on you to have the knowledge to do it perfectly. Ahh yes in this case ignorance is bliss. Baby showers are notorious for having tons of unsolicited hindsight advice thrown at the poor unsuspecting mom. Of course she smiles because in that moment ignorance truly is bliss. Yes I am the "Debbie Downer" so to speak of the baby showers. As we go around the circle and mothers are sharing things like "enjoy them it doesn't last long," or "housework doesn't matter, but being with your kids does." After every sentiment you hear an exclamation of ahhh yes...implying...in hindsight I would have played with them more, enjoyed them more etc. then it comes to me. I spit out something like, "If you can't take their crying anymore, It's okay to put them in their bed where they are safe and just let them cry." You can hear crickets after my statement and often a slight gasp from the older crowd. The mother looks like she could cry...(is she crying because she has just gotten the permission she has longed for or is it because she is crying for my children?) I just feel that some of the hindsight is helpful to know but it can add to the mommy guilt. You here people who have "been there done that" tell you all of this advice. The advice makes sense, sounds right, so why is it so hard to do? Well because hindsight is free from the actual moment. It is void of the emotion that the moment was ridden with. It doesn't even have the story straight. Yeah that's right people we all have faulty memories. We remember stories the way our brain stores them. Which sorry to say is not an accurate depiction of the story itself. And no I did not learn that from hindsight, I actually read that in a book. So of course we look back at life with 20/20 vision. We are in a totally different moment. That's why I feel hindsight is always 50/50. It's good advice but is it realistic?

Okay so anyways I know I sound super cynical but I'm not. I'm just a little too sarcastic, and well I have to laugh at myself because as much as I hate hindsight I am notorious for giving it. I always figure (as do others I am sure) that I have done it the totally wrong way, so I am happy to save someone from the agony. This is the kind of hindsight I love. My mom actually gives me a lot of this type of hindsight. She tells me all the time that it's okay to be human and that in hindsight she wishes she had given herself more permission to do so. Anyway I am way off track. Lost the point of the blog post. I am writing to give you wisdom that I have learned through hindsight. I want to save you the agony I went through, I want to protect your marriages and save your families. So without further delay.

10 STEPS of what not to do when helping your husband build a swing set.

1. Do not tell him to move the swing set when it has already begun being assembled in a different location.

2. Do not let him get started on the project and then come out and tell him he is doing it wrong.

3. Do not climb up the ladder behind him and bite his leg trying to scare him. He will jump, it will startle him and he will not think your funny.

4. Do not laugh when after you suggest it be done a certain way he says no, does it his way and then sees you were right.

5. Do not sit in a folding chair and "direct" the project.

6. Do not bring him cold drinks and then drink them all while sitting in a chair "directing" the project.

7. Do not I repeat DO NOT tickle him when his arms are extended and he is drilling.

8. Do not try and have deep meaningful conversations while doing the project.

9. Do not get mad at him when he does not respond to your 20 minute monologue or when he does respond and says "I didn't know you were talking to me."

10. This one is a doozie and not for little eyes. Do not say "Look there is a monkey in that tree," (this is unintelligent, seeing as how we live in the armpit of the U.S. and monkeys do not live in the wild (or Suburban America) but in the zoo). No instead do not point out anything resembling a monkey in a tree because it may turn out to be two squirrels making a baby squirrel. Once you realize this is what you were actually seeing do not say it out loud unless you want to hear jokes about it for the next 10 minutes.

I hope these tips were helpful. I am sure many of you are gasping at how I have pin pointed the 10 things you would have done wrong.

All joking aside Aaron and I had a lot of fun this weekend. We did indeed get the awesome swing set built. The boys love it and I will post pictures of our two adorable helpers enjoying the finished product.

Battle of the wills

So we have had many many battle of wills going on in my house over the last well year and a half, but especially the last 3 days. It is so hard to remind myself that he just had surgery and may just not feel well. I mean everything is a fight. It's just hard to keep in mind that he just underwent surgery. 2 hours after the surgery the kid was jumping up and down. Running, falling, flipping and flopping. WE thought maybe his bottom was just numb. Well 3 days after surgery it is not looking like that was the case. Actually the whole thing has me a little concerned because ever sense he was taken back for the surgery he has had this reckless abandonment. It's kinda scary. He seems to throw himself very aggressively at whatever he choses. Or even if he didn't chose it but I don't want him to do it. He seems very aggressive and angry. Don't get me wrong he still plays happily and loves to be rocked so he has his moments. I am probably speaking out of the fact that it is only 9:25 and we have already had 4 big altercations (he got up at 7:30). It's exhausting. I feel like I can be super compassionate and creative and constructive blah blah ...I just hit a point where I am done. I just want obedience. I love my boys and they make me laugh and smile all day. They truly bring me my highest highs but they also bring me to my lowest lows. Aaron hasn't flown much in the last 2 weeks. He has been so helpful. I get so tired. I push my body but the simplest things wear me out. Aaron really helps out by entertaining the boys. He even throws in a load of laundry or the dishes every now and then. Today is my first day in two weeks Aaron will be gone all day. I want so badly to have an awesome day just so things feel like they used to. Aaron used to be gone all day and even some evenings. I would say on average we had a routine and things went according to a schedule. There were rough patches throughout the day but for the most part things ran really smooth. I felt pretty in control of the home world. I felt like Aaron really counted on me to keep things running and I felt he thought I did a good job. Now I feel so useless to him. I feel like my whole goal of the day is to be with the kids and maybe do dishes or fold a little laundry. Now, I don't know how to describe it we are really searching for a new normal. Liam takes a lot of work. He takes a lot of patience I don't feel I have and I am worn out with him alone. Good news is whenever people watch Liam for me they always tells me he is really good. I know I would rather him be at his worst for me but sometimes it would be nice to get the easy Liam and someone else can have the rough stuff. One thing he does more then he ever has is repeat himself. Now this isn't naughty by any means it's just super annoying. I try ignoring him but he won't ever stop. If you answer him he continues to repeat himself. The best is when he does it in the car because I just answer him 2 or 3 times and then turn the music up. If he gets distracted he'll stop. Is this normal? The repeating stuff part. I mean he will say it over and over and over and over. It really wears on a person. I am just wondering about stuff because one of the doctors mentioned him needing a neurological evaluation. Why would they say that? I mean I think it sometimes but what mother of a toddler doesn't?

I think I am just struggling a bit right now with feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I am bailing on the kids because all I want to do is sleep. So I push myself to do things with them and I end up sounding like a crotchety old woman who wants to be left alone. I am sure all of these musing are coming from a very stressful couple of weeks. But sometimes it's hard to distinguish. School starts again for me on Tuesday. My May break went by so fast. I bought my books and almost cried at how many there were. Again I have my doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I am trying to wait until then but I can't stop thinking about what the last doctor said (last week). She asked me if I was depressed. I was a little caught of guard. Usually when I am this busy depression is the last thing from my mind. I love being busy and I love being around people. Lately though I have felt to tired to enjoy visiting with company and too tired to enjoy being busy. So it has me thinking. A lot of the symptoms I read to her are signs of depression. She is right, I normally recognize the signs and try for a change. You know alter our routine a bit. This time if she's right I didn't even see it coming.

Well I have a funny story it came out of what started as an issue of insecurity and turned super funny.

Liam: My Daddy flies...

Me(after hearing this 1,000,000 times already); Yes he does

Liam: My Daddy flies...

Me: Yes Liam Daddy is flying very good

Liam: My Daddy flies...

Me(knowing we will do this for the next 7 hours): Yes Liam he does and do you know what mommy does?

Liam...Blank stare

Me(here is where my lame insecurity kicks in)(as I was pretty positive he was thinking... sleep, tell me no, make me nap, make me eat good food,): I said: Yeah Liam Mommy is a rockstar(it was the first thing i thought of that sounded cool).

Me: So mommy is super cool too since I am a rockstar(yeah lame I know, convincing my almost two year old that I am cool because i have a made up occupation).

Wesley(joining the conversation): I am a groupie so you are not as cool as me.

Me: Wesley you don't even know what a groupie is.

Wesley: Yes I do. It is people who follow really really cool people, even cooler then rockstars people. Yeah they follow them around and eat waffles. They are so cool.

People I couldn't argue with him. #1 he is way cooler than me because he is 5 and knows what a groupie is. #2 by the way he described a groupie they actually do sound super cool!

Waiting

It seems crazy I know to be typing a post now but I figure this is the most down time we are going to have for a little while.

Aaron and I are tired. He flew us to Saint Louis but then had to fly back to Kirksville and then drive back last night. He was up at 4:30 yesterday and then didn't get back to Saint Louis until 12:00 last night. Then I woke him at 5:30. Not a whole lot of sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 and woke up a lot. I had a lot of bad dreams. One time I dreamed that Aaron had fed Liam at 4:30 a.m. and we were going to have to reschedule the surgery. It was really hard to convince myself that he had not fed him and that both of them were asleep in the room.

Emotionally we are doing okay. The unknown of it all is a little rough. Hearing how they will need to tube him and that he will probably be positioned on his tummy (seems more pitiful to me). I was pretty skeptical when they gave us some pre anesthetic medicine they said would calm him and make him loopy. They said it would help them be able to take him back to surgery and he "wouldn't care." Yeah right. Obviously they have never met Liam. He didn't even want us to put the little gown on. They actually let us carry him until we got to the surgical ward. They were trying to buy more time...They said the meds would kick in after 10 minutes, they came for him after 40 min. and he was still going strong. Eventually we just handed him off and he wailed. That was hard!

In the middle of writing my post the surgeon came in...Yeah 25 min into his hour and five minute surgery. It was completely localized! They got in took it out and it looks like it was from an infection. The surgeon said he has seen this with vaccinations (Liam had a shot there). Sometimes if not given right they can localize and cause some medical word I don't know. They are sending it to Pathology but it looks like we have the green light!

Praise GOD!

Update on me, prayers for Liam

So I went to a new doctor on Wed. She confirmed 2 things for me. Confirmation #1 whatever is going on in my neck is not a "wait and see" type of issue. It needs to be figured out and is something I am justified to be concerned about. Confirmation #2 my last doctor was in fact a bonehead. She didn't exactly use the word bonehead but she confirmed that she has had altercations with him. Good enough for me. Next step for me? June 2nd I go to my 2nd day of class then head 2 hours to Columbia to see an ear nose and throat doctor who specializes in problems in the neck.

The day before surgery is here. My little boy? It is bitter sweet watching his naivety about the whole thing. I watch him laugh and run totally oblivious to the recovery ahead. This could be a pretty basic procedure. He goes in gets the mass cut out and they send it to biopsy. This sounds pretty simple but part of me is not so sure this is going to be so simple. I am not trying to be melodramatic, but I just have this thought that they are going to get in there and this thing is going to be a little more difficult to deal with then they thought. I was looking at one of those breast self exam cards...random I know but it just so happened to be in the doctor's office. It said on there if you feel a hard mass with dimpling in the skin to call your doctor immediately. Well Liam's little spot is a hard little mass with dimpling in the skin over it. Yuck. Well the good news is I can wait patiently on the Lord and know he is in control. He is the great physician. He loves my baby more than I ever can (which is hard to imagine). He is the one who gets to be in the operating room. He is the one who gets to hold him once again when I can't.

Self Diagnosing

Yeah okay so I am famous for this...Self Diagnosing. No I am not a hypochondriac and yes I know what the DSM-IV classifications for this are. No no no my friend I am just the type of person who hates and I mean hates going to the doctor. Every time I go I have this feeling that I am at some sort of coolness visit. Which I unfortunately usually show up in sweats a t-shirt and one of the children's snot matted in my hair (pretty I know). Seriously though nurses come in I'm fine. Then the doctor comes in and all the sudden I am super self conscious and wonder why I am waisting this poor doctor's time. I mean seriously I could have at least showered. Okay so enough of my issues. Unfortunately I take this doctor visit baggage into total physician avoidance. You can ask Aaron I use to just complain that I wasn't feeling good but not actually go to the doctor. Well after Liam came home and so much time and energy is spent trying to keep up with him I am doing (mainly because of Aaron's prompting) a much better job of taking care of myself. So going to the doctor is really something I have just started doing within the last year and a half. When we lived in Saint louis I would go maybe once a year and then the doctor would order a bunch of tests and well I just wouldn't go. Yeah smart I know I was just pretty notorious for it. So to self cope I kinda started figuring out what my symptoms were and trying to take a more holistic approach. Vitamins, nasal rinses, messages etc. Yes messages are very healing and do help detoxify. So it feels strange to me to actually be going to the doctor feeling like I have no clue what is going on and to have doctor's tell me it's nothing.

So what have I done? Well turned to the old internet my faithful friend. It actually isn't my friend at all and I am truly terrible at researching things...But with what is going on with my neck I just wanted to figure out what it could be.

Through my research I have discovered an illness that fits so much of what is happening. The fatigue, body and joint aches (which at times are unbearable), numb toes, weight loss, swelling, and even the heart murmurs that I have are now lasting longer. Something that I worry could be tied into it all.

So I feel I have a pretty good idea as to what this could be but I have no idea how to go about talking to a doctor about it. I have heard physicians hate when you start a conversation with "so I was reading on the Internet..." So I am not sure what to do. I am pretty sure at this point I will get a second opinion (which is really a fourth opinion). This is much at Aaron's request. Which I totally respect because when anything is ailing him I cry until he gets it checked out. (I don't really cry but I definitely boss him;). Anyway When I go to the appointment should I take a list of what is going on whether I think it is related? Should I go back to my original doctor whom I have never told all my symptoms to or should I start fresh?

Ugh I don't know how to do this...

My appointment. I have finally thrown my hands up and I quit

So I went to the doctor today. I have had this mass growing in my neck ever since good Friday. I have seen 1 doctor two times and another doctor one time. Well today was my visit with yet another doctor that my first doctor referred me to. Confused? I went to the doctor today totally set that he would have no idea what was going on in my neck but excited that he would have something to say about this horrible sinus pain I have and neglected for well the last year. So my appointment went horribly. NO horrible would be actually having horrible events take place during the visit. NO it was irritating. Yes much better.

I won't say anything negative about the Dr. himself or the resident because I don't want to offend anyone. But I am frustrated. The frustration started when I told the resident that I have been having this severe sinus pain that will wake me up at night. It is this stabbing sensation in my cheek bones. I also said that I often have this drainage down the back of my throat. Well he looked up my nose and said your nose is totally clear. Then he looked in the back of my throat and said no drainage here. Umm okay. I told him I actually have drainage right now. He looked in my throat again and said no you don't. I said yes I do it is on my hangy ball thing and I could hawk it up right now. He said would you..."I said no because anytime mucus comes into contact with my mouth I gag instantly. I can't do spit, salivating, mucus, baby spit up. Just the other day Aaron spit in our kitchen sink (he won't do that again:) to which I instantly gagged 3 times. Then I told him that my teeth hurt. I actually have been getting strong pains in my top molars. It is the most noticeable when I run, jump go upstairs etc. To which he told me No if you had a sinus pain that bad it would feel like an abscessed tooth and you would be in the ER. Well that set the stage for the doctor to come in. Needless to say I wasn't happy already.

After the whole appointment took place, the Dr. sat down and said this is one of three possibilities. Imagine my excitement at finally figuring this thing out. Then he follows it with a "all of which are nothing to worry about." Hmm okay last time I checked it wasn't a big deal to go to your doctor and have an abnormal growth checked out. Anyway. I was all ears (even though at this point I was probably glaring at him and not at all amused...)no I wasn't glaring I specifically remember looking at my hands in my lap and suddenly finding them fascinating. So here are the three possibilities he gave me. Please Please take your pick because they are all, in my opinion, ridiculous.

1. It is a fjdkal;geajfkla;ng. nO that was not meant to be a bad word just a medical word I can't pronounce. He explained this one as being a fat deposit that occurs in obese people and sometimes the fat just deposits funny. Please envision my look of a totally expressionless face. When inside my head is saying...'you have got to be kidding me."

2. It is a fkdal;fkla;fkl. Again another big word. This is actually something that Aaron also has this on his waist and his is firmer and symmetrical. Mine is spungee and not symmetrical. More like swollen tissue.

3. It is a fkla;jfkal;gkla;. Again another big word. This one is found in the obese elderly.

I picked number 3 because I dearly love the elderly and well that one made me feel closer to them. So there it is. I mentioned to him that when I move I can feel a pulling sensation across my chest right below my collar bone. Or across my neck. He said no you don't it isn't big enough to do that. ...Okay no I don't.

I told Aaron I am done. I don't think this is anything serious. Which I have been told now by 2 of the 3 doctors. I have also been told and see now that they actually have no idea what it is but they are positive it is nothing serious.

The doctor at one point even sat down in the chair across from me and looked at me and said...I mean from an objective perspective if you were to come into a room I wouldn't even notice it. Well congratulations to me. Now I can sleep at night peacefully knowing that my obese elderly body with the Asymmetrical chubby neck is nothing to worry about.