Like I said, October got off to a fun and great start until the morning of October 21st. I recieved a phone call early that Sunday morning from my mom telling me that my cousin Marnie had passed away the night of the 20th. In unbelief, and not knowing any details, I hurried and got ready and went straight to Morgan to my Aunt Jessie's and Uncle Matt's (Marnie's parents). I went in the house and my sweet Aunt threw her arms around me and completely fell apart. I just hugged her and cried with her for probably 10 min. She kept telling me that I looked like Marnie walking through the door and that her baby would never walk through her door again. It was heartbreaking. Then my mom took me aside to tell me what had happened to our precious Marn. As I was being told that she was brutally beaten by her boyfriend, I remember things just going into a haze, my stomache hurt, I wanted to throw up, I couldn't stand up, I immediately had to sit down, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. HOW, HOW could this even be happening, HOW could this have happened?! I didn't want to believe it. I just sat there, trying to catch my breath, sobbing.
The hours and days that unfolded were almost unbearable. I have never experienced grief and sorrow on such a level as this. We were told, due to the situation of who Marnie's boyfriend, Jeff, was, and who his dad was (a retired detective of homicide, who, without fail, got his son out of every sticky situation he had ever had with the police, which were A LOT), the police had not made an arrest yet. They were working on the case so that it was solid so that when they arrested him, he would not be able to get out or make bail. So we had to keep it hushed of what had happened to Marnie. We had to wait almost a week for the medical examiner to release her body. We recieved the news that he had beaten her so badly that the force of his punches and kicks lacerated her liver and multiple internal organs. He had beaten her past the point of recognition. There was not one place on her body that was not bruised, cut or scraped. It is hard to even stomach this or fathom it. It was simply hell on earth during this time. Constant tears, constant hurt, constant pain. My heart literally ached.
During the week of waiting, I was overwhelmed at the love of my friends and neighbors who checked on me daily, cried with me, hugged me, MADE me eat, let me just say the things I was feeling and needed to say. I was in bad shape. I will never forget the kindness and love that was shown to me by so many, but especially, Rachael M., Lisa, Jamie, Shauna, Megan, and Rachael B. They checked on me almost daily and knew exactly what I needed. I don't know that I can ever repay them or what I would have done without them. Ryan was my rock through this time as well. He was just constantly there for me and loved me. I also can't thank my family (Jones side and Kilburn side) enough for the outpouring of love and prayers and sweet words of condolenses. I love you all so much!
The day of her viewing the police made the arrest on Jeff. Everything was immediately released to the press and there were news stations everywhere interviewing our family. To our horror, we found out that his 2 children (from a previous marriage) were there when it happened. My heart just breaks for these kids. Luckily Marnie's son, Shea was not there, he was with his dad. Needless to say because of all the media around there was not much privacy. It just didn't seem real, this is stuff you only see on tv or in the movies. Stuff like this does not happen to family or people you love and care about! Right before the viewing, my Aunt had asked us all to come to the mortuary and have a private family moment together. Well when we got there, the news station was there interviewing and filming everything. I went in and saw Shea, Marnie's son, who had just turned 9 that week, just standing staring at pictures of his mom. I watched him for a while, just study her pictures and pretty soon he looked up at me and just started sobbing. He started sobbing so hard he could hardly breathe. I ran to him and dropped to my knees and just held him and cried with him and told him it would be ok and how much his momma loved him and that she would always be with him. It absolutely was the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do or witnessed. When I got him calmed down, I looked up and the news station was filming us. The newscaster was standing with tears streaming down his face. On one hand it felt like a betrayal of privacy, but on the other, maybe some mom out there needed to see that little boy grieving the loss of his momma. I don't know, I wanted to scream at them and tell them to go away and let us have this moment alone. It was just so many emotions going through me at that time.
We made it through the viewing that evening. My sister and I were asked by the family to sing at the funeral. It was an honor, but I did not know how on earth I was going to make it through to be able to do that. I said many prayers and had Ryan give me a blessing that I would be able to just sing for Marnie and bring comfort to the family from the words of the songs. Right before the funeral during the family prayer and closing of the casket, it was almost more than I could stand. I thought my heart would literally stop beating it hurt so much. Shea wanted his mom to wear her red cowgirl boots, so they lifted the lid to the casket all the way up so that Shea could see her in her boots. My Aunt Jessie fell apart and just couldn't watch them close the casket on her. It was heartbreaking to say the least. We sang a song especially for Shea called "Godspeed", which were very fitting words that his mom would have said to him. Then we sang "There You'll Be". It was an incredible experience, I absolutely felt and know that she was there with us. Then we took her body to the cemetary to lay her to rest. During that week, it stormed and snowed, it felt like even the Heaven's were mourning the loss of our sweet Marnie, but as we stood up at the cemetary and everything was covered in white and it was so quiet and somber and calm, I knew that she was at peace and in the loving arms of our Savior.
The hardest part of all of this, is knowing that she was robbed of her time here on earth. She is STILL supposed to be here with us. That's what makes murder so horrific and hard. The ripple effect of this will go on for generations to come. Those lives that she was supposed to touch and influence, it won't happen, I mean it's serious. She should still be here with her sweet boy. I know that this is a lot of information, and in fact, I've left SO much out of the story, but this is part of my journaling, so I need to write it down somewhere.
Now the family was looking at months and possibly years of court dates and trials to convict Jeff of the murder of our Marnie. But one month later he hung himself in his jail cell. It honestly was such a weird range of feelings for me. But mostly, it was a sense of relief, relief that my family wouldn't have to sit and listen to and see pictures of what happened to Marnie, over and over again. He took someone so precious to us, he took her from us! It was interesting how many women came out of the closet, that have been with Jeff, and have said that they can't believe they made it out alive. It's a relief knowing that he can never hurt another human being ever again!
Now the only positive that comes from this is sharing Marnie's story. Sharing it for some mother, some girl, some daughter, some sister to know that the time to get out of an abusive situation is now. There are resources and places that can help them. For them to know that they have worth. Our Marnie is so loved and so missed, we all have a hole in our hearts. I don't want to see any family go through what we have gone through.
It is now coming up on a year later and I am still having such a hard time with her loss. My heart, I swear, will never stop hurting. There is not one single day that I don't cry or think of my beautiful cousin. I know that this will soften over time, but right now, it's almost as hard as the day it happened.
Saying my last goodbye's.
I just want to end this post with my upmost love and memories for Marnie.
So many good memories with you. It's hard to narrow them down. All the fun Christmas Eve's together growing up. You always popped up at times in my life when I needed you and your sweetness most. You were my protector growing up. I looked up to you so much! I'm grateful for the knowledge to know that I'll see you again. I miss seeing your beautiful face and smile. You always had such a special gift of making me feel like I was so important to you. I ALWAYS knew how much you loved me, especially when I got one of your amazing, one of a kind, hugs. Until we meet again- I love you!
Shea taking a flower.
