I'm so incredibly thankful for...

As the holiday season approaches, it's easy to complain about the things we don't have or continue to want. I *want* LD to end with FH...I *want* to get married asap, I *want* my student loans to go away, etc etc.

But I'm so thankful that I have someone I'm spending forever with, I can get married to whom I choose, I have a job to pay for my student loans.

Back to that job thing. I got a job on a unit I'm familiar with, so that was nice. What I wasn't prepared for was the anxiety that comes with being an RN, being 100% responsible for someone's life, having a stranger trust you with their life, and the true meaning of being legally responsible for their care. Sure, they preach to you in nursing school about the legalities of everything, but (for me at least) it didn't sink in until it was my license on the line. I am constantly tachycardic while working, I wake up in a cold sweat thinking about charting (Did I chart that? Did I chart it properly? Did my unstable pt survive the day shift? Did I do everything I could to ensure they are healing? If they code, did I do everything in my power to prevent that?...and the list keeps going), I call the unit to make sure the nurse knows XY&Z even if I'm 90% sure I told her in report...if I don't have a stomach ulcer by the time I retire..it'll be a miracle! Everyone tells me it's because I'm a good nurse, but how true is that? I don't feel like I am. I ask a million and one questions, I'm constantly second guessing myself, I'm afraid when I call the dr I don't have the proper information readily available and they'll get mad at me (this has yet to happen).

The thing that is nice is the paycheck, which is the furthest thing from my mind while I'm working...I have little time to think of things like money, shoot--I can barely remember to go to the bathroom! I've been able to pay towards my student loans quite a bit, thanks to my parents allowing me to live at home, rent free, in the agreement I pay like crazy towards the loans.

Found a great group on FB to support doctor's wives and although FH isn't a dr quite yet, they're very welcoming & supportive. Many other MSI&II's SO are in the group. That's refreshing because whenever someone catches wind that I'm marrying a doctor, they think $$$$$$$. Add a (-) in front of that and you've got it perfectly right!!!

I'm hoping to use this blog a bit more. I think it'll allow me to understand the process of MS more than just floating out in thin air.

As far as wedding planning goes, we've got the big stuff booked...oh yeah, except the officiant. Kind of important, huh? I'm so excited we're able to throw a nice, beautiful wedding, just as I always dreamed (but better) for over 200 people for $10,000. In my area, that's great! Sure, it's a lot to spend on a wedding, but it's not a lot when you see what all we're getting with that. We've been incredibly blessed to have the help of our parents to pay for the wedding. It's a rare thing these days, but they're graciously picking up the tab (to a certain limit, then it's our responsibility).

As winter draws near, so does SKIING season!!! For Christmas, my parents bought me a season pass for the local slope. Even though FH will only be home for 2 weeks, I get 2 free lift passes for someone to use and (I think) 2 free rentals for someone to use. So happy I'll get to use those AND he gets to come with us! A day of skiing is expensive, so the ski pass (and my own skis) helps to cut back on that, and the free passes make it easier for FH & I to have fun together. He'll use my parent's helmet to protect that $200,000 head of his.

Over & out. I need to go to bed, get some shut eye before work tonight (7p-7a). Excited to work night shift, it brings in about $500/month in addition to my hourly wage.

FINALLY!!

The past month-ish FH has been home and we've been enjoying each others company. I am so happy he is home and I get to spend "normal" time with him! We have actively started searching for wedding venues and vendors. We saw our first reception site on Tuesday night and really liked it. The price is right in our ball park for everything so it's definitely in the running. Also have a cake tasting on Saturday, checking out a definite possibility for a dress, and then a tour of another reception possibility. LOTS OF FUN!!! It's such a nice feeling to actually start the process of marrying the man of your dreams.

On another note: Since I last posted, I have graduated, received my BSN, passed my boards (HEY RN!!!), and am now in the job search! :) Keep your fingers crossed and sending prayers my way regarding a job!

Off to my BFF's birthday party, then spending a fabulous 4th of July weekend celebrating the freedoms that this great nation provides. Thanks to the military, past and present, I am able to speak freely, own a gun, go to school, practice (or not) whatever religion I want, have a wedding to someone I actually love, visit my family, wear clothes that I choose to wear, do what I want for a living, and so many other things. Without people making the sacrifice they make, we couldn't do the things we do. As much as we complain about the things going on in our government sometimes, at least we have the right to complain/protest peacefully and not be punished for it. God Bless America...or not, depending on your beliefs. And the best part?! You're allowed to feel that way! This is a great nation we live in and I'm so proud to be an American!

After 15 months...

We will be engaged for 15 months tomorrow...and while there's not a SET date for an "end" of the engagement in sight, it's getting closer. We will begin the search for vendors and locations this summer when he's home, and once we get his school schedule for next year (September or October), we'll be FINALLY picking a date and starting the crazy process of wedding planning. Essentially, we'll be engaged for about 20-21 months before setting a date, and we'll be married after roughly 30 months of being engaged. I am SO ready to just be married. It may be the lack of excitement from lack of wedding planning, but I'm so ready to just go to the courthouse. I'm not big on the huge celebration, I am excited (ecstatic, really) to marry my SOUL MATE. I want the vows, I want the promise, I want the feelings of nerves, excitement, butterflies, happy tears, etc.

I don't want the stress of the small details, the seating chart, the programs, invites, etc. I feel like I won't stress over the big details. Most people don't even realize something "goes wrong" during a wedding/reception unless it's pointed out. Example: My cousin got married this weekend, and they forgot to turn these lights on during the ceremony. No one knew until one of my aunts who was at the rehearsal mentioned it. To a bride (not my cousin, she was totally chill & enjoying her day), that could be a "huff & puff" moment where you are giving the stink eye to any one who will make eye contact with her and huffing & puffing around to yell at the nearest employee of the venue. No one knew, you could still see the couple and bridal party just fine (although the lights may have made it a bit better), and the important part happened: they took their vows and made a commitment to one another. That's why we were all there!!

Fighting a Battle

I've suffered from depression for many years. I'll have my good streaks where I can go months at a time without feeling depressed at all, but for about 10 years I've had feelings of depression (actual depression, not just sadness). It's a tough thing to deal with. Not only do you have to just push yourself through rough patches and the extremely difficult days, but you also have to deal with all the people in your life not knowing or not understanding what going through depression is like. They may think so, but unless they've ever faced depression, they don't have the slightest clue. They don't know what it's like to sob yourself to sleep, to feel worthless, to feel like a freak, to not understand why you feel this way, and to have to deal with regular life on top of it all.

After several break downs over the past several months, and an extremely tough one earlier this week, I am starting the "rest of my life" tomorrow at 4:30. Tomorrow is when I meet with a counselor for the first time. I am so excited to begin this journey and to start feeling better and feel myself again. I know it will take time, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel of finding a resolution to the low feeling inside of me.

Half way done with break...

and I'm not ready to say goodbye. It has been wonderful having FH home and spending so much time with him. We've seen each other almost every day of break. Although break is halfway done, and it seems like the next week is going to go so fast. I don't like it one bit.

The next time I'll see him will be his white coat ceremony on February 12. He got extra tickets so I can go!!! :) :) :) They only get two and I insisted his parents be the two in attendance. They've supported him throughout his 25 years, but I'll admit I was a bit disappointed that I wouldn't be able to attend. The school offered the chance to do a survey and the first 80 people to fill it out got an extra ticket. Well, because he filled it out SO fast, he got TWO extra tickets so now his brother can go too! (it opened online at 8pm one night and he sat there refreshing it constantly so he could get it right away)

Took FH skiing for the first time on the 23rd, it was a lot of fun and he even wants to go back! :) WOOHOO! It only took two winters to convince him to go! It's just so expensive. We have to rent skis for him (I have my own), and the lift tickets are "holiday prices" until after the new year making them $43 each instead of $31 which for riding a poopy chair up a hill and being scared of heights the whole time, it's a lot of money! And sometimes the dismount from the chair results in a giant, painful, uncoordinated stumble. OH YEAH $43!!!

Woops...

Sorry for the lack of updates recently...or well, since July. I just sort of got side tracked and found an amazing group of girls to help support me through my journey.

FH made it through his first semester at school, successfully completing all his courses :) :) :) Couldn't be more proud of him and all his hard work!!

I only have one semester of school left...WOOOHOOOO! And unlike the insanity that was this semester, I'm only taking 12 credit hours, maybe 13, instead of the 18 I took this semester.

Off to get ready for FH's family Christmas party!

8 days down...22 to go...

I really miss FH today. I sent him a card on Wednesday and he hasn't said anything about getting it--I hope he gets it soon. I want to make him smile.

I cried today when I was picking up the condo and saw the second card I got him. It's a blue card with a quote about looking at the stars, each time it twinkles it's me saying i love you and i miss you. I really miss him. I miss looking at the stars with him. I miss cuddling. I miss not having anything in particular to do. I miss seeing him. I miss kissing him. I miss hugging him. I miss his smile, his laugh, his eyes, his goofy antics, his baby voice, I miss everything about him.