Recently just changed my facebook status to being in a relationship with Benaiah Wee. Some of my friends were wondering why i waited so long before changing it and why so sudden. I guess I will just blog some of my thoughts and also personal values that myself and Ben holds on to in our relationship so that my friends can understand and also know whats going on in my life :)


History:Ben and myself were in the same NUS ministry but different pastoral groups. Our paths never really crossed and I never took notice of him and vice versa. Haa... Reasons will have to be asked at a personal level ;) It was in 2009 January that our paths crossed cause of ministry and pastoral things whereby we had the chance to work together and to discuss things. I guess that's where the friendship started to develop very slowly. Initially was purely work business but it slowly led to a development of a friendship. During a Kuching LC 2009, we spent a bit more time together with the other brothers and sisters and when we came back, the friendship progressed and we started to grow closer together.


Personal:At that time, I was open to relationship and was ready to consider this area of my life. I had dealt with my past relationships and had surrendered this area of my life to God and had came up with a list of must haves and not to haves that I would want or not want in my future husband.

For me, when i enter a relationship it will be with marriage in mind. Not just with marriage but working towards marriage and ready to get married. That time i also prayed that if there is this someone out there, let me get into a relationship when i am 25. As i planned to go church planting after that, I hope to get married and go with my husband to church planting together.

I already had a list of must haves that I was looking for in my husband before I met Ben and as I got to know him, i was surprised that he fitted so many of them, esp when my list was rather long. The list was not about superficial appearance but on character, life vision and goals.

Top three must haves include: desire to go church planting, faithful to God, able to lead me.


Friendship stage:- Our friendship stage I would say started beginning of the year 2009 (though before that we knew each other, but we never interacted). The friendship deepen in august 2009 when we started to email each other to encourage one another and also share our thoughts on issues and things.
- It was a difficult strugle for myself draw boundaries and not to be too close too him as we are still friends and i am not comfortable to be so close to any guy who is just a friend.
- Deep sharing of past hurts and personal struggles were out of bounds.
- We also had to limit our frequency of msging and talking over the phone. We hardly met up, only once in a blue blue moon to catchup.
- The challenge we had as friends (while i was interested to know him and also wanted to draw the boudary), was that we were in different ministry and we never got the chance to really serve together.
- It was through prayer and also through the emails and little interaction that we had that led me to make the decision that I would want to know this man more, with the intention of marriage. Not just to be friends but not yet as a couple/lover because I still need to know more about him.
- While I had faith, reality needs to be met up with this faith and assurance from God that this could be the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.


Exploration:- On the 25/4/2010, one day before my bday, Ben asked me for exploration. Before that I have already decided and talked through with my leaders. So when he asked me, I agreed and that's how we started.
- In exploration, we are still friends and we do not see or treat each other as a couple yet. Boundaries were still drawn such as physical intimacy and planning of our future plans together.
- In ths phase, we focus on knowing each other more and also clarifying on the things that we need to know about each other before we come to make the decision of courtship (which is like engagment already).
- We trash out many things and it was difficult as biblical relationship were rather new to us and we were trying to understand and do what is right in the eyes of God. There were times we found it a strugge to accept one another and we were tested and challenged to love one another for their strengths and weaknesses.
- We came face to face with many challenges which tested the relationship such as our past, our differences, our personality, our weaknesses and external challenges too. But as we place God in the center, God led us through and it made me more sure of this person and that this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Though it will not be easy but I see the fruits and potential that will come out of our relationship. Most importantly, I see Ben as someone who loves God and desires to follow God and to serve Him regardless how tough it is.
- So in April when he asked me for coursthip, I agreed and now we are officially a couple who is sure of each other and working towards spending our lives togethe in the covenant of marriage.


Courtship:- There are still challenges in this phase, as this is a phase of integrating our lives and families together. Planning together and supporting one another. This phase is pretty new to us and we are also learning along the way and allowing God to lead and guide us through this.
- Excited about this journey, as i see this as a journey of faith with God.
- When we are in courtship, it means that we are ready for marriage and is ready to go for marriage preparation course and to plan the wedding and look into buying house. (this would means that financially we should be prepared and also in our own personal life)
- To Ben and myself, we see coursthip as an informal proposal whereby he is asking me to marry him and me saying yes to him. So what are we waiting for now? haa... To go for marriage preparation course and after which we will be planning the wedding and looking into buying house.
- However, our lives is not just about the two of us or just about our relationship, there are other areas such as family, ministry, work and most importantly, our personal relationship with God.


Conclusion:- Relationship needs hardwork and is indeed very challenging. But through this, I have a taste of what it means by 1+1 = 1000000 or more. Relationship is not just about meeting our emotional needs, but also how it draws us closer to God and also add on to the kingdom of God.
- I love it when we serve together, as i see how we complement each other and how we cover each othr weaknesses. Esp when we understand each other and love each other, the kind of dynamic is indeed different.
- While I am learning to support Ben, I am als learning to find and define my uniqueness and God's plan for me as an individual in this relationship too.

 

Signing off at 10:28 PM

The past week was a crazy week :) Was packed to the max but it was the most fruitful week of meeting people and sharing the message of Christ to people. I was glad for the opportunity to be able to share with people. One of them came to know God. So praise the LORD for it :)

Last week started out emo and didnt manage to share much abou the message of christ to my classes, on thurs i felt a bit regretful for missing the chance. Then rem that i still have this week to share. So today shared with 1 of my class, my form class about the passion of Chist and also encouraged them for the exams with a story about the eagle, a passage from the bible about soaring on wings like eagle and a lollipop for each of them.

The past 3 weeks was a bit painful to tide through, one of the most emotional period of my life as i quarreled with a very good friend whom i m seriously considerin for a serious and committed relationship/marriage. It was one of our most serious quarrels and the relationship almost ended cause of the misunderstandings that we have and my impulsiveness and rashness. Thank God for being in the midst of this and manage to help us to tide through this season and to make sense of things. To restore the relationship and also through this, we learned how much we loved each other.

Personally, the lessons I have learned include:
- What is true acceptance, grace and forgiveness
- The importance of patience
- What it means to trust in God with all your heart and He will make your path straight.
- When we are prideful and stubborn and refuse to listen to God, the consequences and hurts caused can be so detrimental.


Conclusion:
Through this whole incident, i saw who i truly am and what i need to grow in. The obedience to God is so important and how i can be so sinful and worldly at times. Without God or a walking relationship with Him, I really dun know what kind of person I will b. It is by the grace of God that He is slowly transforming and moulding me to the person I was created to be. Long process of pruning and defining but God is working. I thank God for helping us to reconcile the relationship and even through this to appreciate God and each other more. To learn to see beyond each other's weaknesses but a love that is committed and based on God's word and principles. I am excited to journey through where God is leading us and how God will continue to work in us and through us to be a channel of blessing to people.

 

Signing off at 2:37 PM

Cal is going to focus on God and her work. To be a good and inspiring teacher. I am going to put in more effort in my r/s with God and my work. These two shall be my focus. It is important to invest your time and energy in the right things and not to be distracted. FOCUS!!!

FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. Prioritise the more important things. I am excited to craft out new lesson plans and strategies for the new semester. To help my student to do well and also to enjoy learning and have breakthroughs in life.

Excited that I will be going to Bangkok with 3 of my colleagues this June holiday. 4 days and 3 nights. My very first time to bangkok!! So exciting :) Cal is really glad that she has a group to colleagues at work to rely on. Thankful to Gerald who organised the whole trip for us and we are staying in a 5 star apartment!!!! It is super cool and it is only at the price of a 3 star hotel. With 2 bedrooms, kitchen. balcony, big big bathtub and ..... woohoo. Something to look forward to. June will be so so busy with 2 GB camps and a Batam CIP trip. There goes my holiday.... But at least there is a trip to look forward to :)

I really want to go for a retreat... to some seaside and away from Singapore. Away from the things that takes a tow on my emotions just for a while its just me and God.

 

Signing off at 11:17 AM

Today has only 3 periods. Good news to me. Today thinking about what makes a good teacher.

I know my students are learning. I have found several teaching methods that work and is able to get through to them.
1) short quiz every lesson
2) application of concepts
3) teach in parts and in digestible package
4) consolidate learning: "what have i learned"

There seems to be breakthrough and my weaker students are getting it through repetitive drilling and encouragements. But..... what makes a good teacher? Am i inspiring and am i imparting values and a vessel of love to them?

Recently, though lessons seems good but.... i feel so powerless. It's like going through your daily life but not being empowered.


Triggers:
I really dun appreciate people who makes empty promises and just talk but no actions. Just lots of empty promises and yet little or no actions which lead to many hurts and disappointments. It reflects the credibity of the person and the integrity. Big words. But basically is meaning what you say and doing what you say and preach. How much longer do i have to subject myself to such ridiculous hurts? God allowed this to happen but what is it for and how does He want me to respond? I feel like a fool....

 

Signing off at 9:13 AM

Dun know what to feel anymore. Dun how what to think anymore. I m having so many mixed feelings and thoughts that everything is all mesh up with emotions. Not feeling, just a numbness within in.

Am i too hurt already? Too disappointed? Lost all faith and hope? I think so... I think i m blocking out things and trying to be strong. Cried so much the past 2 weeks and still emotionally strained during this period. Emotions is draining me so much, i think i have lost all my laughter. It takes so much for me to smile now....

Realised how evil my thots can be when i m not walking with Christ or choose to indulge in sins. So tested during this period. I dun know what i should do anymore. I feel like running and i do want to run but it doesnt seem like the right thing to do. I want to block things out forever and move on with my life, yet i cannot do that.

Reminds me of the verse Paul said: the things that i want to do, i dont do. The things i do not want to do, i keep doing.
I know i should not respond or think in certain manner but i keep doing it. I know i should respond or think in certain manner but i do not do.

I have lost faith in the current situation that i am going through. Lost faith, trust and hope. I fear to look forward, i fear to have faith, i fear to have hope, cause i fear to be hurt and disappointed. Man will surely fail, hurt and disappoint you. I have experienced sufficiently to say this... It is a tension that i feel, just as what paul mentioned.

While i have let go of my unforgivness and bitterness, i find it hard to trust. I think this is the journey of faith that God is leading me. In all things God is still with me, but i have lost sight of the big, amazing cross of love and sacrifice. Finding it again this season.

To tide through this period, i can only rely on God and be near Him. Just wanna fix my eyes on Christ and let go of all worldly things. Too much.... Just too much already.

 

Signing off at 8:50 PM

Today is a super long day. Taught for 6 hours and rushed through to complete many things. Still have tons of things to complete such as checking through exam papers, prepare lessons and marking to do. I have stacks of it. But I just feel so tired to do anything. I need to pray and sleep and be strengthen both physically and spiritually.

Manage to resolved some conflicts but... why does it feels like unresolved. Some changes in my life again. I dun really like changes but I ve learned to embrace them and make the best out of situations. Entering a new environment again, another transition and new r/s and new challenges. Also, I dun know what is in stored for me.

I feel that I have no vision now. Last time my vision was NIE and that was what I set out to do. What's next? What does God wants me to do and to fulfil? A transition of seeking God for clarity of my life, purpose and vision. On my part, whatever God has set in my heart to do has been completed already. Time to move on. I bet there were will new challenges... fearful... uncertain...

Also thinking about r/s. Will things work out between us? Will things ever work out? Have been quarreling non-stop for the past 2 weeks and past few months so much conflicts. Tired of quarreling. Is it me or him or just us?

Enjoying my Sec 1 classes :) They are a mouldable bunch of students and rewarding to teach. Appreciative and mouldable. Today gave a big lash down to my Sec 2s. 2N7 having some breakthroughs with e class, they are more attentive. Need praises, approval and attention. Sometimes its a bit difficult.

Sometimes feel i m always in a giving position. Be it in church or at work. At home, i feel loved, treasured, protected and comforted. Family will always be family. They will stick by you through thick and thin. Though we dont share the same values but the bond and commitment is there and it gives me great comfort and assurance. It is different when it comes to friends or relationships.

 

Signing off at 4:23 PM

So disappointed... I find it easier to forgive if the person apologise and do nice things to me. Then my heart will just soften and I will be ok with the person. But is this true forgiveness and I have really gotten over things? Maybe a few months later i will bring up the same incident when there are quarrels.

It is just so hard to trust anyone. Man can be so evil and even if they say things which they mean at that point of time, they might just change their words and go back on their words. Man being man, are fallen beings.

Trying to understand what love and forgiveness is.

Still in school setting test paper for next week. Cal needs a breakthrough... I seriously need a breakthrough.

Tonight whole family gg chomp chomp to eat. I m running away from being with family. Sometimes they are so protective that i find it hard to be with them, esp during this period of time. The things they say will just make me more negative and emo. Wanna go home to read some books and play my keyboard too.

Work is getting mundane and insecurities are acting up again.... Feeling small wherever i go esp when certain things happened recently. Seemed to have lost confidence trusting man. Heart is so torn and broken... I have a part to play too and mistakes i made. But so hard to let go, to forgive and to love.

What is love?
What is trust?
What is hope?

 

Signing off at 5:43 PM

Brandon Heath: Your Love



I really like this song. As I was struggling this morn, chance upon this song and it reminded me that God loves me and this is sufficient. All I ever need is God's love. It is perfect and holy. So different from the world....

The world will fade, but what stands forever is God's love and His word.

 

Signing off at 9:52 AM

It's indeed hurting when the person you treasure treats you 'unwell' and not meeting certain expectations, esp in the midst of conflicts and quarrels. It just seems like each man for their own and each is only concerned about their own emotions, hurts and problems. Man is just by nature self-centered and selfish. The right thing to do is not to respond in the same way and have "An eye for an eye" attitude. But sometimes it is just so difficult.

If one keep giving in, will one end up in a r/s whereby one will always need to give in and be the person who spologised and being humbled? While God does talk about the Godly attributes of love, it seems difficult when it comes to certain unique circumstances. I guess at the end, it is about choices. What do you choose to do and the consequences of things. Even if the situation is not favourable to us or when ppl are unjust to us or treat us wrongly, is it for us to avenge? I guess... when one has such attitude of 'getting back' that's where the person will need to face certain consequences and get even more hurt in return. Just as God promises in His word that He will deliver the righeous and He will make a way out for them. But those whose hearts are harden will be put to shame. It is for God to take action and not man. Man should play their own part and not respond in sin.

A lesson that i am learning. To let go and let God. While I will need to do what is right and respond what is right. Difficult... Just so tough. Letting go of my pride and self-righteousness and let God.

 

Signing off at 9:38 AM

Sigh... I feel that i am not doing well in anything. Work, relationship, ministry. Everything seems to be happening all at once and I cant seem to handle emotionally. I have never been so drained and affected. That I cant control my emotions anymore and just block things out or act normal. Such a challenging period... feel like the world is crashing down on me and it is beyond what I can bear.

Haa... But the above are exaggeration of emotions and negativity. The truth is that God is with me and He is still in control. He will make a way out for me despite the many mistakes i make.

Suddenly feel like i have no control over things at all and i cannot see what is ahead of me anymore. I am walking step by step and it takes trust in God. When was the last time i went through such things? I think was 3 years back when i first started to take care of ppl in church. Felt overwhelmed, lonely, abandoned and hard-pressed. But that time i had strong fellowship support, with the rest of the cls and my close buddies around to tide me through and support. It was less difficult. Now, i feel like i m alone fighting my own battles and though there is support but much different also. At work, you dont know who u can really trust or share things to. Your friends can just be your enemy and I feel safer keeping to myself. My hiding defense mechanism.

Other than my own issues, I need to deal with the probs of others, its as if i do not have enough to handle. Sigh... when will this phase end? How come life seems to get more and more tough and difficult?

Clinging onto God and walking step by step. God I know you are carring me through this stormy period.

 

Signing off at 1:34 PM

Felt very much understood after talking to Ps florence. I guessed being married with 4 kids helped in certain perspectives and also identifying with what i am going through and how i am feeling.

Hurt ppl tend to hurt ppl, that's what i was doing and responding during this period of time. Felt so hurt and vulnerable, wonder why God allowed me to go through this and things to happen. Instead of asking why, is to sseee the soverignity of God in this too and trust in Him.

I am in the stage of deciding whether the person i like is the man i want to marry. Some things i have learned over the past 1.5 years is that:
1) It is not just about your own decision, while you are ready, the person may not be. It takes two ppl to communicate.
2) Everyone has their own way of communicating and perspection of things communicated to them, which leads to miscommunication and misunderstands, leading to hurts.
3) It is a journey of faith and trust and seeking God. While the easier solution is to run and escape from the pain, difficulties and hurts. The question to ask is: Do i see God in this situation and what does God wants me to do?

Difficult and struggling but trusting God

 

Signing off at 11:26 AM

Just feel so hurt and disappointed. So overwhelmed by emotions that I cant seemed to get a hold of myself. Feel like I have been shredded into pieces. Just feel so cheated...

I m just glad that there is a chapel and Ps florence to talk with....

 

Signing off at 9:13 AM