When I was a teenager I went to Hinxton, England to spend the summer with my very good friend Anna. There I met Anna's cousin Alix. At first I didn't like Alix, I felt like he was making fun of me all the time. And well looking back he was. I was naive, sensitive, and some might say horribly simple minded. I guess growing up in Missouri no one really cares if your simple minded. Simplicity is a mark of a good life--no complications, low stress, easy going. That is me through and through.
I remember going to bed the day after I met Alix, so upset that he thought I was "naive" and then it occurred to me that he was right I was simple--so what! After coming to this conclusion I had a blissful rest and the next morning something miraculous happened. I threw out all my doubts about myself--I wasn't timid, I didn't care what he thought of me and I was 100% Bucky. It felt sooo good!
When the three of us went for a walk I had a good time watching Anna push Alix in the river for being so cheeky to us--hehehe...sweet revenge. Which after a while turned into three geeky kids making fun of one another-- splashing each other and having a glorious time. That night Alix again flat out said "You are such a simpleton"--"Ha!" I thought. I just smiled and sang the old Quaker line "Tis the gift to be simple, tis the gift to be free". And freeing it was! I was no longer chained to the fear that I might not be "cool" in the eyes of another. I was me and i didn't care if he didn't like it. Although I think he secretly liked my simple, carefree ways. And after that night everything was great. At our parting he even said ***insert uppity English voice****"You do realize we will never see each other again?"
"Yup." I responded in all my simpleness and I gave him a hug and we took a picture and true to his words I have never seen that kid again.
Except for right now in my thoughts. I've thought about that experience again. Because is many ways living in Maryland has been my Alix.
Maryland for those who have grown up here is an amazing place with sooo many wonderful opportunities to be "somebody". They have the best schools, people want to be the best, successful people are the hallmark of this lifestyle. I have painfully struggled to find my "place" here among the land of over achievers. Lost between success and complete failure I was stuck in the same place I found my self years ago, sleepless-in Hinxton-worrying about what somebody thought of me.
I have battered myself up inside and out for not being, looking, and acting as I feel perhaps I should. For better or worse living on the East Coast has changed me in many ways but that feeling of trying to overcome my simpleness has loomed over me for the past 5 years.
Until this summer. When Derek and I went out on a limb and traveled west to work, reconnect, and have fun. Slowly my healing took place.
First in Missouri where I was encircled by my family. Of which I must say the old saying is true, apples really don't fall far from the tree. I saw my Grandpa, Dad, Aunts and Uncles and cousins in such different ways than before. I believe for the first time in my life, I saw them for who they really are, people of integrity, kindness, and charity. It felt great to have my Aunts sit and talk with me and my children as if no time had passed. My Uncles teasing my kids and me just like in the old days. They came in and swept out the cobwebs of insecurity and magically gifted me my confidence back.
I saw in my Aunts women who take their divine calling of Motherhood seriously and through their example and the example of their children all my fears I've had for myself were washed away. I'm a mother and that IS something. It isn't easy, it isn't the easy route. It's challenging and it's challenging turning that complexity into simplicity. And yet I watched my family doing it with the greatest of ease, so I knew it was in me too. Isn't family a wonderful blessing!
So much more happened in Arizona. There I spent time being a big sister to my brothers and a daughter again as I lived in my Dad's house.
How I loved waking up watching Tommy run to my Dad and ask for a tractor ride and my Dad true to form, patiently allowing Tommy the indulgence of tractor ride after tractor ride. Though Dad had corn fields and tomatoes a plenty keeping him busy. It was nice getting to know my Step Mom who also was wonderfully patient and kind to us.
Then there was being a big sister again. How nice it was to teach my brother Flint how to swim during special olympics, to let Ethan drive us around town and have dance offs. How superb was it to be with Adriane again in her trailer in the Arizona Hillz---glamorous I tell you :)
Little by little all my fears started to slide off me and soon I felt whole again, level headed, and cognizant of who I am and where I stand. Gosh darn it I was ready to face my Alix again!
Tally-ho, take me home, let me vanquish my fears and conquer those foes who do not like my barefeet and shirtless babies, my stained shirts and my dirty car.
Bring it on cause I got game now---boo ya!
Anyways the first week back brought many challenges, but strangely I've felt like smiling the whole time. Will I soon be back to my carefree simple self? Will I feel comfortable being a simpleton? I may never see Alix again but as far as Maryland is concerned, I think we may be friends after all.
