Free Write 12.22.09

I was up late one night and I felt like doing a free write. I think its worthy enough to post. Especially since I haven't wrote on my blog since the summer and I'm tarting to feel bad for teasing the family on being behind on blogging! so anyway... here it is:


To Be (Free Write)

By Marah Golding

This is the sad thing about typing unplanned- it’s stupid and pointless. However, the most brilliant pieces of work are simply raw thoughts that are spurred out onto paper, but they are easily disregarded and deleted- as if they never existed at all, they never happened, they never breathed and lived and explored. Perhaps we are like these words. Every person on this planet comes to a point in their life where they wonder why they exist, what is their purpose. Maybe, just maybe, everything in life exists purely to be. There is no rhyme, no planning. We are straight from God’s mind to live, to be, to exist.

My Song

This is my song I wrote when I was procrastinating practicing my hymn for church. I thought I was being really tricky putting the camera on a binder... but now you see how well that worked out. Please excuse my many mess ups, but I can only keep Maddie (my little sister) quiet for so long. If you can understand me, Here are the lyrics:

To Be Myself

This indecisions driving me wild

Battles inside my head

I don't want to be a child

Sometimes I just need help

I need a friend, I need a friend

But I'd rather hold it in

To be myself

As the sky smiles with love

My mind is racing with madness

I sometimes can't see

when the present echoes above

A slipping sanity

Time erase me

To be myself

A choice is chosen very slow

It's Happiness or thee unknown

I'm running away

Why can't we come to some conclusion

Right now it's just plain confusion

But it can't stay the same

(instrumental break)

The song is coming to a slow

The answer still not shown

Breaking through the shell

I'll figure it out

To be myself

Trying out.

I'm going to blog from my email just to see if I can. It didn't work from my phone and I was sad. Now I am hoping this works.

Insomnia

So, here I am at 2:18 in the morning with nothing left to do but sleep or blog. Really, it would be just pathetic to go to bed so early on summer break. Therefore I will bore every single one of you until you are rolling your eye's at the computer by computing my day to day life if it's THE LAST THING I DO (before i go to bed, but pretend you don't see this little blurb).

Normally, I save this kind of tedious reading for future self and posterity in my journal (where it actually be of some worth someday, because I will be old and wishing I could go back to the glory days), but for some reason those huge blank pages are intimidating me tonight and I will probably feel more up for the challenge when I am avoiding getting out of bed. Actually.. I could just print this and wah-LahQ! (spelling error, but it looks cool so I will leave it... because of peer pressure duh! Because I am an insecure teenager.)

So more random things I think that I'll tell you. Well, this summer I have started to continue a book I started writing last year (why exactly, well that's a long story that I don't know if I feel like admitting.. or typing). If you are particularly bored you can read the first chapter here! don't even dare comment on it though because if your reading this, you obviously care for me and would call my burnt Easy Mac a grand feast. Honestly, you don't have to read it.

Yesterday (No, wait) Two days ago, I was going through old pictures of the family for my little Father's Day project, and I found the darnedest photo. It's of Uncle Mickey holding me at my birth with a very uncomfortable face. Then I was like, "wow, he looks so young!", when I showed Katie and then Katie Snappishly snapped back, "well, he was probably like our age!". Then again she might be wrong. I really wish I could get a decent scan, but never fear Aunt Mary, I will send them to you as soon as I get your mailing address.

Today is actually something to celebrate. hmm hmm...
It's Has Been Exactly Two Years That We Lived In Hawaii
I'm not really hoping to make it to three, but.... no I don't.

It's not that there is people that I really like or love. It's just not about them AT ALL. It's more of a combination of plain out weird stuff that don't really make people us subjects the cruelty, but still add up. The secludedness, the odd character of the island, the pre-judged feelings towards me, and just a lot of crap. Sure I am happy , but once whatever is making me happy is gone or over, the happiness just disappears. Like it wasn't mine to have. According to my family, I am probably the one that's most happiest (after my dad) living here, but I am not happy. I don't know, it's really difficult and I don't quite understand it myself. I normally don't talk about this kind of stuff, but it's been on the surface of my head a lot lately since we are stuck in limbo with finding out where in the world (literally) we are going to live next year. Plus, before with talking to any one in this household about the Hawaii issues it felt like I was telling a person who's mom just died that my pet bird flew away, and it turned into something similar to a battle that made me feel stupid and worse about everything. So instead I put petty things into my blog and journal (more in my journal though). If this is the closing to our Hawaii adventure I think we made the most out of it and lived it up.

I would be completely satisfied with all the wonderful friends I've made here, and learning to be friends with my sister. I guess what I am really afraid of now is instability and my opinion changing. Plus these coming up years are going to be some of the most important in mine. like, I'm gonna start driving, braces (which I think my teeth are fine, even though they may not be white pearls according to a lot of people, including me at some points,but I have learned to like them. They give my face a different shape that i think I've grown use to. However my mother disagrees with me because she's a horrible mother... not really), we have t move anyway sometime and if move after this next year, high school friendship circles will be tighter (thus harder to get into), and there's a lot of ands that I won't tire you with.

ah! It's 3:18 now!

I suppose now it time to celebrate Maddie's "Whole Hand" Birthday. That's right folks. This little Zinger is turning Fearless Five. Time to ship her of to Boot Camp.. I mean, All-Day Kindergarten! Hooray! Maybe her next year's birthday will be Not-A-Queen-Bee-Anymore-Because-I-met-Bigger-Kids-That-Didn't-Obey-Me-Sixth Birthday. Probably not though, because that's too long for her to remember and be excited about by the time she does.
We noticed today that I turn the same age plus ten of whatever Maddie is. So you better not forget what age I am turning in July because you get get a warning in June.

I actually ran out of things to talk about-- WAIT, I FOUND MORE!

• The sky in blue, just like the ocean
• My name is Marah Golding
• I decided, if I don't live in the Orangeville area when I grow up, I'm going to name a kid Emery. That is, after I race Katie and Aunt Allison to having a baby girl and winning the name of Lindy. (Aunt Mary... don't even think about it. Sign ups were a long time ago.) Katie claims she's older, I tell her three years isn't that much of a difference and even if she does settle down and have a kid first, doesn't always guarantee it will be a girl.
  
• We hot tubbed pretty much the whole day.
• Right now i am terrified of my neighbor that's sneezing very loudly at such a quiet and peaceful hour, and I can't get this door to lock, because I don't know how because somebody else is usually coming home very late (mother.. cough cough. Stupid work).
• For how late I am up ,I am so jittery and restless. I was hoping I would just crash while typing. No such luck.

Well , my next step is toughing it out, lying in bed. Then it's officially time for Tylenol PM. Good night my family.

P.S. Mom just came in and scared the living crap out of me, because I thought it was the neighbor again, then I turned around to see a figure coming my way and whispering my name. She told me to get to bed, then locked up more thoroughly. Goodnight.

Graduation

Graduation was about the Best thing in the world. I can't beleive my childhood friend and foe is leaving me! I wish that everybody could have come out and just stayed forever. This week was chalk full of things to do. There was very few or no day where we just did nothing.

We spent much time at various, beautiful beaches. One day we went up the "mountain" to Koke'e for a little picnic. There we played Hansen Volleyball and for like the first time in my small, pathetic life, I dominated!!! Yeah!

Another day, after our plan to go to Hanalei failed, we went to Kipu falls. All you can really do here is jump. Jump where? You jump off a 20ft cliff into a water falls. It's crazy how scared you get even though you know you will be fine. There is something exhillerating about cheating death.

We have had a great time but unfortanetly "nothing gold can stay" (Robert Frost). Everyone has deserted me and I am just adjusting to the house without the cow and pig. At least I know our family will have a hoot in heaven.

Jumping Maddie

While looking at photos from Katie's graduation, I found these. So here's a continuous montage of Maddie jumping on a water jump-around castle. Yah!

Update

I'm a sicky! Every month I get these horrible cold/sicknesses. For the past Five months. That's since Fall Break at grandma's house!

Katie and I are part of the chorus of the island High School Footloose. It's pretty time consuming, but I hope it's worth it!

I have a friend named Kimmie who I've been taking to church and hosting the missionary lessons for and she is getting baptized March 1st!!!!!

Grandma and Aunt Peggy are coming out for a visit and I am overly jubilant.

Wow. I am hungry. I am going to get food.

Love,
Marah