2 birthdays & Sweet Summa Time

The Davis family has been so busy, and I think we are finally slowing down!  Maddie Gray started swim team this summer, and she swims twice a week.  She's too little to go to meets just yet, but yesterday at practice she swam the length of the pool in 26 seconds and only came up for 1 breath!  I have to say, I'm one proud mama!

We also went to the beach with the Wigley family.  They have a little girl named Sarah Spencer that is Maddie Gray's age, so it was fun for her to have somebody to play with.  Mac loved the sand, but HATED the water!  He was pretty pooped out after his first day at the beach, so Daddy held him while he slept!

 Sleeping on Daddy, so Mommy could get some sun!

 Mac ate a handful of sand, but he seemed to enjoy it!

 Maddie Gray & Sarah Spencer

 My big sweet boy

Maddie Gray had been dying to have her birthday party at a football field, but 4 year olds, birthday cake, and a football field don't really go together, so I brought the football to her.  I decorated the house like we were at a tailgate, and I had tailgate food.  All the kids wore their favorite team jersey or cheer outfit.  I even had 2 sweet middle school girls come and teach a few cheers to the little girls!

 "Big" Sarah Spencer, Maddie Gray & Mary Brighton

 We had a second birthday party for Maddie Gray on her actual birthday where only family was invited.  This is a terrible picture of me, but it's really good of Josh & Maddie Gray, so I thought I would throw it in!  Boy do I look tired in this picture!  Maddie Gray was also in a wedding the following weekend, so we were all partied out!

 We took the kids to a pumpkin patch here in town too, since Josh would be leaving with the Guard soon, we wanted to cram as much in as possible!  They both had a great time, and so did we.  When Josh comes home we are going to "stick our hands in the pumpkin" & carve it!  Maddie Gray is giddy with excitement.

Finally, Mac celebrated his 1st birthday October 24!  I can't believe a year has gone by since my sweet man was born.  He's walking & will sometimes say Bye Bye.  He's gotten so big, so fast.  Josh wasn't home for Mac's birthday, so we are waiting to have the party.  I took these at my parent's house because I also had to put off his 1 year old birthday pictures.

I'm not who I was

I have been doing a lot of thinking and praying.  I have been trying so very hard to get into nursing school, only to be wait listed.  I'm number 51.  I'm a glass half full kinda girl, usually, so I didn't think that was too bad given others could and will choose to go to another school or change their life paths all together.  That's where all my thinking and praying has led me.  Maybe, for right now, I'm the nurse I was called to be.  I mean being a Mommy means you're always on call.  Now, true I may not give shots, but I do dispense medicine, put band aids (and kisses) on boo boos, check the color of snot, etc.  I also take care of a stroke patient every day.  I do a little physical therapy, speech therapy, make sure his drink has been thickened to the be sure it's thick like nectar, I make sure that he's eaten and again with the medicine giving.  I am in no way giving up on my dream of becoming a nurse, because I feel in my heart this is what I am supposed to do, just sometimes MY time isn't always HIS time.  I have a friend who is pregnant and due in March.  She and her husband could be moving but are unsure of where they will be going and when.  Such a stressful thing to be moving and pregnant with a little one in tow as well.  She said to me that it really wasn't the best time for them to be moving, and I told her it was the perfect time for them, it just wasn't HER time.  I reminded her that God's timing is always perfect.  I couldn't believe that had come out of my mouth, and I knew right away God took over my words, because they were meant to be tattooed on my heart and branded on my lips.  I have taken great comfort in those words ever since giving them out.  Funny how God works so subtly in a situation.  God doesn't always shout sometimes He whispers, and I just have to quiet my soul enough to hear the whispers.

Funny Thing Happens When You Become a Mom

Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom.  There's been no greater joy in my life than watching my children grow and learn new things, but... my name is no longer Peggy, it's Maddie Gray's Mommy (for now anyway) or even just Mommy!  Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, all the time!  Even Josh calls me Mommy!  I used to enjoy a hot meal, instead now I eat lukewarm meals or heck, sometimes I don't eat a full meal at all because my child likes the way my food looks better!  So, I find myself eating whatever is left on her plate because I don't want to waste anything.  Nice hot baths are also a thing of the past!  I can't even shower without Mac watching me or Maddie Gray stripping down to join me because she thinks I look lonely in there.  I used "hide" in the bathroom just get a little peace, but I think they hear me breathing, and I'm once again found.
We just got home from vacation yesterday, so I should be rested, but that's not really the truth.  Vacation with children, particularly small children isn't really a vacation sometimes though is it?  After renting a crib, stroller, and high chair for Mac, I found myself driving around Santa Rosa Beach and then into Destin at 1 Sunday morning hoping Mac would fall asleep.  After getting back to the house at 3:30 and finally having him fall asleep in my arms, Maddie Gray wake us both up at 7!  Wednesday night Mac was up with fever, so naturally I was up most of the night with him.  The usually 5 hour car ride took us 8, with stopping for lunch, me trying to nurse Mac, and Maddie Gray having to take 4 pee breaks!  I thought I was going to lose my mind.  I keep telling myself someday I will wish I could get this time back with my babies when they are older, but I think some things may be better left in the past!  I used to have the patience of Job.  I could sit and talk to Maddie Gray most of the day about whatever she wanted, but today I find myself looking for her batteries, so I could just turn her off for a few minutes!  Heck, I'd even settle for just turning her down a little bit!
Funny thing happens when you become a mom, nothing on your body is yours any more.  Nothing you own is yours any more, but when I stand back and look at the bigger picture, these are the things I will look back on and laugh.  I may even look back further and wish for a few of these precious moments back.

Busy Life, Busy Wife

Josh is gone this week playing war games with the military.  Sounds funny to say playing war games, but if he were to be deployed, again, then this is what he would be doing, and Uncle Sam wants to make sure he's ready!  I don't know why but things to be more busy when he's gone.  Do I do this to myself, or do it just happen this way?  This week, Maddie Gray has swimming lessons at 5, Mac has pictures because he's a big boy and is sitting up all by himself and there's a water leak somewhere in the bathroom.  Thankfully, Josh's grandfather knows a little bit of everybody and is calling a plumber friend of his tomorrow.  Hopefully it's nothing too major, but we shall see... Mac is also still not feeling well.  2 weeks ago I took him to the doctor because his eyes were running green stuff and he was really stopped up.  Normally that wouldn't have sent me to the doctor because he's teeth and there's just something about snotty noses and cutting teeth that seem to go together!  Anyway, took him in and the doctor said he's fine, ears checked out great, everything was happy!  Then last week he started to run some fever.  Again, nothing overly upsetting, but he woke up for his feeding around 3:30 and was so lethargic and didn't want to lift his head.  He didn't even really want to cry, so that was my Mommy red flag!  I took him to the doctor, and he said he had the beginnings of an ear infection.  So antibiotics here we come.  Now over the weekend, he's developed this cough.  Coughs again aren't a big deal to me, but it's something that has started to get worse and not better.  If he were older I would say he sounds like he's been smoking for years.  Bless him, he can't hardly eat, and he doesn't sleep well... so Mommy doesn't sleep well, and with Josh not being home there's nobody for me to say, "Please just take him for 10 minutes."  This is where I put on my hot pink cape & pretend I'm Super Mommy!  Thankfully, my in laws came last night and sat with Mac so Maddie Gray and I could take Josh to the base, and then they took her home with them for the night.  Mac is sleeping now, and if I was really smart, I'd get off here and go lay down to get some sleep myself, but I know as soon as I get comfy on the couch or in the bed, he'll be waking up!  I guess I will be smart and use this time to shower and pick up this house before he wakes up and before the plumber comes tomorrow, so he doesn't have to see the way we really live!

While I'm waiting

The Wait List that is!  I found out today that I was wait listed for nursing school.  I don't really know how I feel about that.  On one hand I'm excited that I could be starting school in the fall and FINALLY realizing my dream, on the other hand though, I'm a little nervous about starting school in the fall!  I think of all the things I won't get to do while I'm in school & to be honest it makes me a little sad.  Then again, I think of all the things I'll be able to do after school, like vacations with my family, and that makes missing a few things now, totally worth it!  So while I'm waiting, I will enjoy this time with my family and will post the verdict once it's handed down!

I'm Not Super Mom, but Sometimes I Play One

I heard on the radio today that a woman in her mid thirties shot and killed her 4 children, ranging in age from 12-17 and then turned the gun on herself.  I was heart sick for this family, because no matter how dark things seem, they do get better.
I know as a woman who has worked outside the home and is now staying at home, being a mother is hard.  We as women tend to want people to think we have it all together.  House cleaned, hot meal every night, happy husband, happy children...sometimes though, we don't have it all together.  I've said it once, and I'll say it again.  My house isn't always clean, in fact, sometimes it's down right messy, my car stays a mess with old french fries in the seat, "presents" of dead flowers or weeds are left behind, spit up from Mac and the accidental spill can all be found there.  My diaper bag is also the most unorganized chaotic wreck ever!  Am I proud of this, no way!  Does it make me less of a mother or wife, absolutely not!  Is that hard for me to say out loud...you bet.  I want to look put together, so that people can't see sometimes I'm flailing.  I'm too proud to ask for help, because I want people to think I'm super mom.  I want people to think I can cook dinner, fold laundry, help Maddie Gray practice her handwriting all the while breastfeeding Mac.  "I've got it" are my famous last words, when really I don't got it.  For myself, I don't say anything, because what do you say?  Who do you say it to?  I don't want people to think I'm depressed, because I'm not.  I don't need pity either.  When did it become okay for me to not say I am overwhelmed at times?  When did we as a society become so set on doing things on our own without the help of others that if we ask we feel ashamed?  I wrestle with the Mommy Guilt of sending Maddie Gray to pre-school when I'm home with Mac.  I wrestle with wanting to stay at home if I don't get into nursing school.
I love my husband and children with my whole heart.  I love them fiercely and passionately, but sometimes feeling like I have to do everything for everyone does get to be too much.  I will no longer feel guilty for not making all of Mac's baby food.  I will not try to hide the fact that Mac at some point in his life was given formula to fill him up a little longer so I could sleep.  Sometimes, I don't play Barbies with Maddie Gray, because I just want to watch the news or some other boring adult program.  I will, from this day forward, no longer be afraid to say I need some "me" time or I need help.  Help isn't a bad thing, in fact, it's a blessing for all involved.  It gives me time away to be an adult and not have to wipe a behind or smell throw up only to realize that smell is coming from my hair!  It gives me the opportunity to be a better mother for my two precious gifts from God.  I will do my best to longer "lose my voice" when my true feelings are screaming to get out.

It's The Time of the Season

I was thinking tonight about things that are only in our lives for a season.  God puts people, things, and even places in our lives, sometimes just for a fleeting second.  Like Maddie Gray for example, when she was a baby, she loved her binky or paci or whatever you call it, but now that she's 3 1/2, she no longer needs it.  She does, however, still carry around a ratty old blanket, but I am sure that someday, she will outgrow that as well.  Both will be a season in her life.  Friends are like that too, I guess.  Josh and I have been through a deployment.  It was only a short one in hind sight, but it brought us to such a different place in our lives.  He and I lived in Meridian for a while.  I completely detested living there... in the beginning.  While I am happy where we are, closer to friends and family, I wouldn't trade those 5 years for anything.  The Lord placed some of the most wonderful people in our lives that we would never have crossed paths with otherwise.  There are also friends that are in our lives for but just a blink.  People who stood by you at your wedding as you took your vows, but now you are only "friends" with on Facebook. Those friends were only supposed to be in my life for a just a brief second, and I know I am who I am because of their friendship.  There are others, though, who I may not talk to everyday or even see regularly, but I know if I need them, they are right here for me.  It may not be here physically, but the phone works great when I need to vent or cry or laugh.  Funny the twists and turns life takes.  The people, the places, the plans I make...all different from what I thought in high school.
I never doubted a few things though, the love I have for Josh.  He has been with me during all of my steepest mountains and during my lowest valleys, and I can't imagine traveling through life without him.  I know the Lord placed him in my path to be my life partner, my helpmate.  I also never doubted the love of Christ though I may have strayed far from Him.  So thankful that the twists, turns, ups and downs I have had those two constants to lean on.  Of course my parents and sister are also constants.  My dad's health may change, my mom's focus may change from me to him, and my sister might even get married, but I know if I need them, they're right here with me and for me.  My address, my jeans size and even my hair color may change, but I am so thankful and blessed to those people who do decide to hang around!

Great News

First, let me say that my Daddy is doing so well!  He's up and moving!!!  He still has some trouble walking, but since he still has limited mobility in his right arm, he has to use his legs to get him around in his wheelchair while he's in Rehab.  His speech has also greatly improved.  My mom picked him up on Saturday and took him to her house.  I think he really enjoyed being back at home, but Mom said when she took him back, he was ready!  I told her she shouldn't be worried about him wanting to come home and stay home, she should worry more about his not wanting to come home!  He seems to really be improving, and I am so thankful.  He still has a ways to go, but to not even be a month out, he's doing amazing.  I know he's going to come back from this, stronger and better than ever.

Now, on the my other FABULOUS news!  I took Mac to see the GI doctor today, because we haven't been since he was about 3 months old.  I am happy, no thrilled, to announce that we have graduated from the office of Dr. Paul Parker!  We don't have to see him again unless we have problems!!!!!  I also get to start slowly adding things back into my diet.  Dr. Parker asked me what I missed the most, and I said cereal.  I told him I was really nervous about making that the first thing I added back I know it takes a month for the milk protein to get out of your system, so he said to try some peanut butter first and then try a some cheese because there's less of the protein in that.  If he didn't scream, then I could go back to my diet as usual!  I'm super excited, but I'm also a little afraid.  The last thing I want is to upset the apple cart by adding things back into my diet that I haven't had in month, but then on the flip side, cereal is such a comfort food for me.  I think what I may do is wait on the milk until he's 7 months.  I know all the complaining I have done about not getting to have it to hold out longer seems silly, but it's fear that's driving my madness now.  Plus, truth be told, I really don't miss it that much.  There are some great things to be said about eliminating things from your diet.  Some people do it during Lent, but I gave it all up in the beginning for my precious baby, but now, I think I will just continue on my journey until I think it's safe.  Now if I could just pass my Chem final tonight and find out about Nursing school all ready, I would be in excellent shape!

A small vent session and my fears

Sorry this post is all Debbie Downer, but I have to get this all out.  I think if I dumped it all on Josh he would completely understand, but he needs to fix everything, and there's nothing to be fixed here, so I just needed to get this all out;
So my fear is this, my mom won't ever be able to go and do with me or my kids the way she used to.  I feel extremely selfish for feeling this way, because I realize life isn't always about me, but my mom was a huge part of it.  She is my go to baby sitter, and now I worry she won't ever be able to have Maddie Gray over to spend the night any more.  I worry that by my dad having this stroke he is going to give up.  It's so funny how quickly life changes.  Friday morning, I thought things were fine and Maddie Gray was going to spend the night at Bubbie's and then Friday afternoon things turned out so differently.  I try to be peppy & upbeat for my mom, but it's really hard not to just break down.
My sweet daddy seems so afraid and sad.  I pray he doesn't give up, because my mom would be devastated without him, but he's got to be the one to fight.  My mom, sister, and I can only fight so much for him.  How's that saying go, it's not about the dog in the fight, it's about the fight in the dog?  Well any way, I just wish my dog had more fight.  God's not ready to take him Home that's clear, but what's not so clear to me is, why.  I would never hope that my daddy pass, because as ornery as that man is, I love him, but these next 90 days are going to be so critical for him, and I don't want him to lay in bed in rehab and give up.  My mom can't stay there with him every night, and she will have to go back to work at some point, so his cheering section won't be the same.  Maybe the second chance was really for me (or our family) to stop being so angry with the fact that he HAD cancer 14 years ago.  Maybe I need to be more grateful for him, maybe I need to stop wishing the past were the present.  I can't undo all my anger from how he used to be before he was sick up until last Friday, but I can do something about my attitude from this day forward.
I also worry about my mother.  I can look at her and tell this has taken a toll on her.  She doesn't look happy, though if you were to visit she puts on a good "Tri Delta Rush Face!"  She says this is not what I (being me) signed up for, but lucky for her, I didn't sign up to be in this family at all!  I was blessed to be in this family and part of being in this family means taking care of my daddy in whatever capacity that may look like.  I can't be there round the clock with my daddy, but I don't live so far away that I can't go over and visit him during the week.
I started a blog for him so that people could stop asking my mom how he was doing, hoping they will just check the caringbridge website.  I think people do check it which is good, but I feel like I have to be upbeat and happy on there too.  I feel like if I said how I really felt, people would feel sorry for him or me or us.  I don't want pity really, I just need a place to vent and since nobody in my family is able to regularly keep up with this blog, I thought this would be the perfect place!
Okay, I'm done for now.

Easter 2012

On a happier note, here are pictures of my kiddos from Easter!

This picture wasn't from Easter, but it's a picture of my PawPaw (my Dad's Dad), my Daddy, and Mac on the day he was Christened by my PawPaw. 

My Dad

Amazing how one event can change your whole life.  Funny how in one breath everything is different.  Friday, my daddy had a stroke.  He managed to call my mom & she called the ambulance.  She raced home from work just in time to meet them there.  Things could have been so much worse than they are, and we are all so thankful for that.  He is still in the hospital, but will be moved to rehab facility sometime this week.  He also is regaining some mobility in his right arm and leg which is so wonderful.  Today he even managed to stand on his own.  All the PT and OT have worn him out, but I'm so proud of him for trying.  He is also working on his speech.  My sweet daddy was never a man of many words, but when he's got something to say you should probably listen!
I know this has been really tough on my mother.  I try to be her cheerleader, but she just keeps telling me she's got to keep it real.  I know she's got to "keep it real" but I also don't want her throwing herself a pity party and staying there.  I can't get down in it with her or then we're not any good to anybody.  I think him passing his swallow test yesterday and being able to have something to eat made all the difference in the world for him.  Not having anything to eat from Thursday night to yesterday will start to play ticks on your mind and your body, not to mention your will to want to do anything.  My mom said he ate a good breakfast and was eating some applesauce around 10:30.  I also took the kids up there to see him and that brought the biggest smile he could manage to his face.  Somehow, seeing little ones always perks you up, even if you don't want to be perked up!
He's had lots and lots of tests run, and we found out that it's not his heart that caused the stroke, it was scar tissue from his brain tumor.  14 years later that brain tumor is still coming back to haunt us.  We are so thankful that it was on the same side and we're not dealing with brain death on the right side.  We are also thankful that it's not his heart.  His speech is improving, but the more tired he gets, he more difficult it is to understand him.  I'm so proud of his progress today and over the last few days.  I think to be only 4 days post stroke, he's doing amazing.

I am going to try and keep this updated, especially while my dad is recovering and we try to figure out what our new normal is going to look like.  Please continue to keep my parents in your prayers during this time of healing and learning.  And if you're at all interested in keeping up with his progress, you can always visit his website at CaringBridge / Please enter your E-mail Address.www.caringbridge.orgDavid has chosen privacy settings that require you to log in. Your e-mail address allows us to see if you already have a CaringBridge profile.

The Good Wife

I have been going to a Bible Study on Wednesday mornings since the beginning of the year. I have really enjoyed it not only because I get to leave Mac in the nursery for 2 hours, but because I get to worship completely uninterrupted! We have been doing a study on marriage from a book called Marriage Matters. I have learned so much about what the Bible says about marriage and things I should be doing in my own home. Last week we talked about sex. I never thought about the fact that because I snuggle with Mac all day and get lots of love from Maddie Gray that my emotional needs are taken care of, but where does that leave my husband? Today we talked about being submissive to your husbands. I know that word has a negative sound, but as Christian women we are called to submit to our husbands, and our husbands are to called to love us just as Christ loved the church. This doesn't mean that women are supposed to be door mats, or that we aren't to have opinions, but that we are to trust our husbands as they are the leaders of our households. Lots to think about!

Tonight, I must pray to greet my husband with a cheerful and happy heart when he comes home from being out of town all week. I want to be sure I've showered (because sometimes I don't always get to do that!) and the house is clean. I want to make sure he comes home to a happy wife and happy children instead of me bombarding him with all the weeks problems and events. For me, sometimes that's hard, but I have think about what I would want to greet me after I'd been away. Certainly not an unclean home and a nagging fussing husband. I would, however, like to thrust 2 children upon him and get into my car and leave! I love my children, but it's nice to get the break from them and I am more than sure they would love the break from me! Proverbs 31:10-31 gives us an example of what a Christian and Godly woman should be. Tough to achieve but it's a goal worth striving for.

Big Mac

Mac went back to the GI doctor Wednesday, and Dr. Parker was very impressed by Mac's weight gain 13 pounds 7 oz. up from 11 pounds! Dr. Parker was also pleased with the improvements in Mac's screaming since I made all the changes to my diet. He said these types of allergies or sensitivities children usually outgrow between 10 and 12 months! We are nearly half way to the 10 month mark, so we'll see what happens! Dr. Parker also gave Big Mac the thumbs up to add baby food into his diet! He tried bananas for the first time last night and loved it! He ate the entire jar and then screamed with anger when it was all gone! I hate seeing him upset, but I love that he finally has a desire to eat and eat well. Adding something to his diet besides rice cereal also helped him sleep so well last night. Now if only I could master the whole let him cry thing, I think we would be in great shape! I would like to start making Mac's baby food that way I can control what's in it, but I really don't know where to begin. Maybe if I get the mountain of laundry folded today, I can check that out. Our big boy has started rolling over. First it was back to front, but now if he's on his tummy, he rolls to his back. He's also teething, so that has made his reflux worse. I can deal with the spit up, just not the screaming. Hopefully one will not cause the other.

I have to say I missed the milk and all the dairy at first, but now, I really don't miss it! I do miss a big bowl of cereal, but other than that, I am really okay with giving everything up. This may be a lifestyle I adopt. I have also found a wonderful vegan, yes I said vegan recipe for chocolate cake. I would like a glass of milk to drink with it, but it's really very good. I also made it from scratch which I have never done before. It called for while vinegar, but I added balsamic vinegar instead and in place of the vegetable oil (it has soy in it) I added applesauce. I think the next time I make them, I may add a raspberry filling just to give it some extra sweetness. Who knows, next time you turn on cupcake wars, you may see me on there! Kidding! My family ate it up, and I didn't feel too guilty eating one for breakfast because it's actually pretty low cal, so that's also a bonus! Maybe my next batch I will take pictures and post them, along with the recipe!

No Thank You

It's been more than a month since I've had any milk, soy, or nuts! I read every single label & when in doubt, I leave it out. I have even gone so far as to bring my own food places, because I don't want to risk anything "extra" being in there! Crazy I know, but a screaming baby will make people do crazy things. I have to do say though, it has helped tons! He's a different baby. He's started laughing, smiling, rolling over, and is even getting a tooth! This has caused us some setbacks in the hold me department, but I'm working on that. What can I say, I'm a parental work in progress! He went for his 4 month old check-up and shots last week, and I think he's got some Covington in him because he's in the 50th percentile with his height! Probably doesn't sound like much, but when you've got shorty pants for parents, that's pretty exciting! He's also weighing 13.5 pounds which puts him in the 16th percentile. Not too bad considering all we've been through with his eating. The doctor also said he could start on some fruits, but we had to double check with the GI doctor before we made any diet changes. Thankfully, we go to the GI doctor tomorrow. I'm hoping we get some wonderful news. The throwing up isn't really any better, and I have to say it's really my fault. He gets his Prevacid, but I don't monitor how long he eats like I should. It's hard when Maddie Gray is home and ... no excuses, I just don't do it like I should. Say prayers we get good news tomorrow!

Mommy also got a big NO THANK YOU from the University on getting into nursing school. Not exactly the envelope I was hoping for, but I guess now I can focus my attention into getting into Holmes. That also put me in the position to drop my online class, which was great. The class wasn't hard, but it was just too much being home with him all day. I kind of felt like I didn't get in, but rejection still hurts, no matter what form in comes in. I also felt like I have sacrificed a lot to get into to school, but then again, so have others. I really haven't thought of what will happen if I don't get into Holmes, but I guess I will cross that bridge in May when I find out! Positive thoughts... Positive thoughts! If I don't get in, I will pray about the direction I'm supposed to take. The Lord has brought me this far with my dreams, I don't see Him dropping me off now, just maybe I'm supposed to go another direction.

No Milk for You!

Mac went back to the GI doctor yesterday (Wednesday), and I was told I needed to omit all dairy, soy, and nuts from my diet to be sure Mac didn't have issues with the milk protein. We also supplement every so often, so we changed his formula too. He hates his new formula, and I'm not loving the whole no dairy. On the plus side, I should lose major weight!!! Dairy is in EVERYTHING, and I do mean everything from chicken noodle soup to spaghetti o's! It's amazing. A quick trip to the grocery store used to be just that, a quick trip. Now I find myself standing in front of the shelves staring longingly at all the things I cannot have and being that person standing there reading the labels to be sure there's no dairy or soy in anything. Thankfully, I did find Angel Food Cake has no dairy and no soy, so that helps curb my sweet tooth. I have also really started eating a lot of fruit.

My sweet man has been getting rice cereal to help cut down on the throw up since he was about 6 weeks old, so tonight, rather than put it into a bottle, I spoon fed him. He was not excited about it at all! I'm hoping he gets used to it soon though, because I'm thinking he may hold his feedings down a little better. I do like the doctor that we're seeing, but I think he may not be aggressive enough for me. Don't judge! I'm all about conservative treatments, especially when it comes to my kids, but I just think we should have seen better results than we have. I don't know if my expectations were unrealistic or what, but I do think things should have improved. I sometimes feel like we are regressing and not moving forward. Josh thinks I shouldn't wait it out another month, because truly neither one of us (Mac or Mommy) are sleeping too well, but I want to give this new diet a far chance before I say this isn't working. We go back in a month, so I'll update then.

Mommy Meltdowns

I'm sure I'm not the only Mommy to experience adult sized temper tantrums. You know the ones that could rival that of your toddlers with all the yelling and screaming? I have had a few of them lately. It's not that I lack self control, though if you look at half eaten cherry pie on my counter you'd doubt it, I just feel like I have no control sometimes. What else is there to do? People tell me all the time how great I look to have a 2 month old or they will comment on the fact that I am back in school trying to juggle being a wife and mother of two young children, well the truth is; I know what I look like naked, and believe me, it looks like I just had a baby 2 months ago. My clothes aren't lying to me, and if they are, it's a cruel joke! The other thing is I have no idea how I'm juggling being back in school this semester with two young children other than to say I married a wonderful supportive husband, who will take both children out for a few hours so I can study. I also study some during those late night feedings. Don't let me fool you though, Mac's diaper bag is a total mess, it looks like the laundry room exploded, and there's the faint smell of burned something or other lingering over my kitchen! What can I say... I'm a mom and contrary to what my daughter thinks sometimes, I AM human!

Mac has not been sleeping well, unless he's sleeping on top of me. I used to love snuggling up with my sweet baby boy, but now when I get up I find my 30 year old legs are asleep because I have been laying on my back for 3 hours. He cried all the time, so the only thing I can do to look half way presentable to the rest of the population is put on make up! One night this week, Josh had a late meeting with a doctor. I had no idea he would get home at a little before 7. I'm sure for most this would not have been a huge deal, but I'd been home with a screaming baby all day (by all day I mean Mac screams about 80% of the day, the other 20% he's asleep on top of me) and now Maddie Gray was flipping about dinner not being ready. Mac was screaming, Maddie Gray was whining, so I stood at the sink and screamed until my throat hurt. I felt much better, and all was right with the world again! Thankfully, our sweet pediatrician helped us to get in to see a GI specialist. Mac has colic, constipation/obstipation and reflux... Finally some answers! He is to continue taking his Prevacid, and now has to be bottle fed 3x a day, only taking 3 oz with 3 tablespoons of cereal, and is also taking Milk of Mag 3x a day! I thought that night after doing all these things Mac would be a different baby... He wasn't! I like instant gratification! I like to look at my size 4 jeans and be able to fit into them after eating all the "right" things and taking a quick jog around my sofa! I have had the pleasure of little sleep and being able to get into the shower and cry while Mac screamed just outside the door.

Everybody tells you when you are pregnant how wonderful motherhood is and how life changing having a child, or children, is going to be. What they fail to mention is that it's not always sunshine and roses, sometimes there's screaming and it can smell really bad, and that's just me! Here's the other part nobody tells you... the sweet smile on Mac's face when he sees me or hears me talking to him is indescribable or the way Maddie Gray comes running up to me after I pick her up from school. Nobody told me that the way both my kids smell after they've had a bath can bring a sense of calm over the entire house, or a least me. Mommy meltdowns are also OKAY! Nobody tells you that either, because I guess to some degree we all feel a little guilty for having them. Mommy's are people too, and sometimes our feelings get the better of us. Screaming and crying is okay every now and then. Crying cleanses the soul my mom would say to me. Screaming can just make you feel better!

Mac

Mac is nearly 3 months old! I can hardly believe how quickly how time has gone by. Bless his precious little heart, he's been through so much in his brief little life. A spinal tap, a hospital stay, and a trip to the GI doctor soon. He has reflux so bad and has to be on Prevacid and Zantac. The problem is the Prevacid stops him up, and he can't go to the bathroom without help. He's nearly 100% breastfed, so it should come out with no problem, but that's not the case. I have given up all diary in hopes that will help ease his problems, and if we do supplement, we've changed to a formula that's lactose free. I just feel so helpless as a parent. I'm supposed to be able to help him and make him feel better, and I can't. He sleeps on top of me because it helps his reflux and his tummy, but I don't sleep well. My hope had been once he got a little older and put some weight on (he's weighing in at 11 lbs 11 oz) then he would start to feel better. The thing is, we can't get in to see the GI doctor until March 13! That's too long to go with no relief for my sweet man, and his more than frazzled mommy.

I try so hard to make sure that Maddie Gray feels like she gets enough attention from me too, but I think I fall miserably short on that one. Mac eats up so much of time, because his tummy is so messed up. She's so sweet about everything though. She lets me do what I need to do with Mac and then bedtime is our time. I usually end up falling asleep in her bed with her until Josh comes in to get me. I know that the Lord has truly blessed me with two beautiful babies whose health isn't bad at all, I've just been given some challenges with sweet Baby Mac.