Just when I think I am in a little rut--Not feeling the best, tired, little sad, un motivated and finding myself being alone.... I have special visitors or phone calls.  

Today is one of those days... Just not feeling it. I get a call from my friend to invite me to dinner and then my sister calls and says the grand kids are all going swimming.  

Staying home, cleaning, being alone and being quiet vs. going and having fun in the sun with the most special kiddos in my life?

Decisions......(not too hard of a decision) Off to the pool I go! 

Besides... I think I froze my AC.  July will do it!

So I  bought something special for myself.  I thought about what temple I want to get married in the next time. I chose the Mt. Timpanogos Temple.  I searched and searched and searched until I found the perfect picture of that temple and I bought it.  This is in my entry way and I just love it. I see it when I come and when I go.  It reminds me that I want to be married again someday and I can and will be.  I really do look forward to that day.  Someday and one day, but I will have it. It brings a very special spirit into my home.

This past week..... Love these little ladies!

My goodness I haven't updated for a couple of days. I think probably because I have been going miles a minute.  I have really enjoyed reading other people's blogs. I am not really sure who follows mine or if anyone follows mine, but I love to read other's and I actually appreciate journaling. It has been therapuetic for me and for that I am grateful.  So, if you read or follow my blog than SWEET and if not then I have something to remember the good, bad, sad and hopefully more happy than not thoughts! 

I have had so many great opportunities lately to be enriched, uplifted, touched, served and loved by so many different people. I am so grateful for the amazing people in my life.  I am not really sure where I would be without them. Just when you think there isn't much good in the world, or you seem discouraged about the people around you, or being affected by people's choices you are reminded that there is good in the world and there is still good people! 

I have the best neighbors and friends.  I am so lucky to be surrounded by such a good ward family and also have friends so close. I don't ever have to think I am alone.  Just when I think I am alone, or my house is way too quiet I get a knock on the door or an invite to go somewhere. 

This week consisted of a super fun Bachelorette watching party with two of the coolest people I know.  Diet Dews and lots of candy baby!  It was fun to watch the show with such great and funny people. 

Tuesday I had the opportunity of watching one of my bestest friends daughters.  We played dollies and Disney figurines and talked 3 year old talk.  This was all while two of my closest friends were spending the day with the Activity Day girls in our Primary.  I am so lucky to have such great people who serve in Primary with me.   These women took all the Activity Day girls to Day Camp.  They had a great time and such a great turn out.  My friends showed up afterwards to chat and tell me all about the day. I am so grateful for their friendship, but also for being such a good example to the young women in our ward--my activity day girls.  I also got a very sweet card in the mail from someone from my past.   A sweet Grandma I once had when I was married.  It was a beautiful letter. I also got an unexpected visitor at the door.  It was a good visit, but a hard visit.  It's sad how divorce affects not only one person, but both families and the sweet children.  

Tuesday night after all my friends left I got a disturbing call from my mom saying they were leaving to Fairview to get the trailers and four wheelers off the mountain.  The Seeley fire is the fire that could potentially affect our property.  It didn't look very promising on Tuesday night with the Woodland and Fairview fires and then the Seeley fire just over the ridge.  I joined the all night adventure and went with.  During all of this I had close friends calling and offering to help me and my family. They know how important this place is to me and my family.  Friends offering to come help and bring trucks and trailers.  I was amazed at how many people care.  I feel so blessed to have this around me. I couldn't miss out on possibly seeing the most beautiful place one last time and get everything of value and some things we had all  worked so hard for.  It seemed very weird doing this alone (not alone as in alone, but as a single person alone). This was something I would usually share with someone and we would be saving our memories and posessions together. I felt like I was going to get all these memories and items that "we" worked so hard for, but were now mine and only mine.  As I pulled the four wheelers out to get them on the trailer I had to pause for a minute just to think about my life. It certainly puts things in perspective when you see fire surrounding you. So many people around me have lost everything due to this horrible fire. I too had lost something to a fire, but I still had my family and friends and I have them forever and for all eternity and someday I will have someone in my life to be with for eternity again, but I still have my family.  What a sweet feeling to know that I will be with my family forever!  The mountain was quiet. It was peaceful and smelled like smoke. There was fire all around us, but it was still peaceful.  I have to admit it was very eery being in the mountains and knowing that the mountain on the other side was a raging fire and so many lives were being affected.  It was just a surreal feeling. I honestly can't explain all the feelings that this night brought me.  I am still trying to process it. 

We got home at 4:45a.m. I took a little cat nap and then off to work I went.  I had a good evening. I had a great Primary Presidency meeting.  I am amazed at the women I serve with.  They are such amazing examples of Christ. I want to be like all of them when I grow up--oh wait I am older than all of them. My secretary said something very profound and it was something I needed to hear.  With fire comes cleansing and after fire comes growth and opportunities for growth. This is exactly what i needed to hear. I feel like the past 5 months have been all about fire, or losing special and important things.  She said that this is an opportunity to grow and have new growth in my life.  How amazing.

Last night I got to spend time with my family and swim.  I love the late night swims in the pool out back and talking until all hours of the night under the pretty sky while looking at the stars and visiting with my family.  Some of the special conversations about life have happened out in my parents pool. It has been a blessing to have the pool in my life this Summer. I have decided I am more of a fish than I ever have been and I have been a fish my whole life. It relaxes me and takes me to a happy place.  That is a good thing right now.  I also got to talk with one of the most amazing women in my life.  Her name is Julie. She was my Activity Day leader, Young Women Leader, friend and example to me for most of my life.  She has battled breast cancer and has to have surgery on Monday. Her and I had a good visit and it was a reminder to me of the person who I want to be. More like Christ. She is such a Christ Like example. 

Oh I had a couple of firsts this week. I flirted. I flirted a couple of times. I am very rusty at it and it's going to take some getting use to and some practice, but I did it.  I got hit on at one of our Public Program workshops. That was flattering. I am pretty proud of myself.  Don't worry if and when I ever get asked out I will mention something, but for now I am just going with life.  At this point I am just happy for the tiny baby steps that I am trying to take and consider them accomplishments if the step happens with out a fall. Heck I am just happy to crawl.   ;) 

Just when I think I am doing fantastic (for my situation) and thinking...."I can do this" I have a rough moment, or a minor set back. I really truly feel like I am having more better days than not, so that is good.  I have conquered some pretty big firsts and some pretty big hills have been climbed the past couple of weeks. This weekend I took a little break from life and trying to do hard things and just vegged in the pool for 4 hours on Saturday. My friend Alicia, my sister Whit and Oakie bug went swimming!  We had a blast talking about nothing, everything and anything. Just good old girl talk.  Just want I needed.  We drank lots of Diet Dew, had a picnic by the pool and even had ice-cream.  Now that is what I am talking about.  :)  Today I have the Sunday blues.  Missing what I once had and hoping that I get to have what I once had again.  I have been doing a lot of praying and am thankful that I can pray anytime and anywhere even if it's in the bathroom at work. I tell my Primary kids that Heavenly Father is there anytime, anywhere all you have to do is pray. Today..... I did a lot of praying. Praying for peace, comfort and help for the pain to go away and heal my broken heart.  I am so lucky to have the gospel in my life, good friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, bosses and ward family.  I really liked this thought.  I think sometimes we get sooo caught up in email, text, facebook, pintrest, twitter and our cellphones that are super smart that we forget that we don't need any of those devices to talk to our Heavenly Father and he is the most important to communicate with. I am not perfect at all, but I try and I could try harder. 

I can do hard things... thank heavens I don't have to do them alone! 

Perfectly said.........

Since when did my name have an X in it? 

Enough said!

Sigh

The last couple of days were a little rough, but one thing that I am really trying to focus on is what I do have.  I may not have a companion anymore, but I still have the following to be grateful for.  Today was one of the best days so far. I had some clarity and peace on things and was able to visit with a super great friend who's life was affected by his parents being divorced. He listened and I really appreciated his balanced view. It's amazing that people, situations and experiences come at the right time and the right place. I felt like today was one of those days. I am grateful for this tender mercy in my life. I feel as though I have angels around me.

I have so much to be grateful for.......  

• Loving Heavenly Father who loves me 
• Loving earthly parents and siblings
• Loving eternal family
• Loving and supportive Grandma
• Several friends at church, work and home
• Amazing calling and serving with amazing women
• Hundreds of children who I love and who love me
• Supportive and loving Bishop
• The gospel
• My temple blessings and covenants
• Good job
• Beautiful home where I feel safe and protected 
• Ability to work and make ends meet
• The love of serving others
• Amazing people who have reached out both in love, help and support
• The scriptures where I find strength, understanding and answers to my prayers
• Lords tender mercies every day letting me know that he is there to help me
• Prayer... The ability to pray whenever and wherever
• Priesthood...worthy and loving Priesthood holders in my life who I can call upon anytime 
• The temple and the blessings that come when I attend 
• My freedom 
•  Sweet nieces and nephews who I love and adore and I am pretty sure they love and adore me too.  
• Amazing church leadership 
• Amazing Prophet to guide and direct us 

I am sure there is soooo much I am leaving out, but I wanted to get my thoughts written before I peace out for bed.  I have so many things to be grateful for.

Social Security Office x 2, Court house x 1, offical documents certified x 1, driver's license picture taken without makeup x 1, trips to the DMV x 2 = NO COMMENT

(no swearing on the blog even though I would like to)

Great Primary Presidency Meeting with some of the most amazing women = LOVELY

Therapy = MUCH NEEDED

Conversation with a good friend who I love, adore and admire over Diet Coke and Diet Dew until early morning hours = PRICELESS

Love and appreciate all my friendships!  You keep me going......

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” - Albert Einstein

All I can say about this is.........LOVE! 

I love this little girl with all my heart and I am pretty sure that she loves me too!  She smiles when I walk in the room and it makes me feel like I am the best aunt in the whole world. :)

Just sayin......

Sorry if this hurts anyone's feelings. I am not sure I really have any guys that follow this blog, so I think I am safe to post this.  

In all seriousness......I really do hope to have what I once had again someday.

P.S. if you are male, single, lds, nice, happy and reading this then I think you should take me out on my first date.  Just sayin...... I gotta start somewhere with this being single thing again.

My dear friends….. you have really taken this quote by President Uchtdorf to heart and have answered my prayers in so many ways.  Thank you so much. I hope you find joy, happiness and that your prayers are being answered by others. 

yep!

My dad is the most amazing man in the whole world!  I am such a better person because I know him. He has helped me in the darkest and hardest moments in my life. He lifts me up and comforts me when I need comfort. He has taught me hard work, spirituality, service, kindness and love.  He has really helped me over the past two and half months. More than he may ever know. I am grateful for his Priesthood and for helping me in so many ways. I appreciate our conversations and tender moments.  I am really glad my Heavenly Father gave me him.  Happy Father's Day, Dad!  Love you!

This weekend I went to our family property.  This has always been my happy spot....it will be again and hopefully always will be, but with time. Right now it brings me happiness and sadness (so many good memories being married).  I am really trying and pushing myself in a healthy way to do things that hurt now, but once was something I loved doing.  I am a pretty motivated person and don't like to stay in a rut for a long time, so as I feel better about things I am really trying to press forward to a next step whatever that next step may be.  For me this weekend it was all about getting on my four wheeler.  I love four wheeling. It takes me to a place where I think and reflect. It always has brought me peace.  This was something that was very dear to me in my past and I have the fondest of memories four wheeling in my past.  As I received some clarity over the weekend I knew I needed to press forward to this step. I did indeed got on the four wheeler this weekend.  It felt good. invigorating, peaceful and nice.  I was able to think, reflect for a minute and progress to a new level.  This was a huge hump to hurdle over for so many reasons.  I drove to the look out point. It was just me with the trees and silence in this beautiful place. As I sat at the look out I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt close to heaven. I talked to my Heavenly Father. I poured my heart out to him. I asked for help, strength, faith, healing and love. I felt so close to heaven in this special place. It was one of the Lord's tender mercies that no one was at the look out point at that very moment because there is always someone at the look out point.  I was able for a split second partake of a little slice of heaven by myself to feel the peace, silence, comfort and talk to my Father in Heaven.

I just had the most intellectual and impressive conversation with my 8 year old nephew on our way home from the cabin. I was laughing so hard the whole way home!  I learned all about metamorphic rocks, living in America, being grateful for our freedom because we don't have slavery anymore, the USA has the most beautiful flag in the world, all the kids at school think Justin Beiber is really a girl because his eyebrows look like a girl, we have a choice in what we want to be when we grow up, how he wants to be a gaming designer and created new levels, a disease called divorceritis (the disease people have when they want a divorce and a lot of men have it right now), Cheetah's run 71 miles an hour even if they are small and cute, people who are rough around the edges and don't share, why Tupperware is so unimportant and not worth fighting about and get this one.....he asked me if I had a boyfriend yet.  He said that if I want to get married again then I really need to start dating and have a boyfriend because the only way you can get married is if you date and that is the beginning of getting married.  He really hopes that whoever I marry will be divorced so we "match" and he hopes he has a lot of kids so he can have a lot more cousins. He also asked if the divorce was final and on what day was it final.  As you can tell he has been very concerned about this subject and is really trying to wrap his head around it.  (join the club kiddo)  He is certainly a kick in the pants and I love him to broken pieces (as he would say).

Where do they come up with these things??

Someone posted this on Facebook today and let's be honest.....I feel like I look like this chipmunk.  Not sure if I am necessarily handling it, but I kinda feel like I have a little attitude right now and this dude definitely has attitude.  I think that is what helps us through hard times. A little sass and attitude is ok, right?  I guess as long as its in moderation!  LOL!!! 

This is such a good question..... I wish I knew.  If not now, when?

Here's to a new beginning!  My new beginning.  The beginning of a new life.  The beginning of a new start. The beginning of something wonderful. The beginning of a new era. The beginning of a new future.  The beginning and hoping for a new and wonderful future. The beginning of new hopes and new dreams.  The beginning of faith and the beginning of the rest of my life.  Scary and invigorating all at the same time. 

Bring on some nice, kind, good, charming, loving and worthy men!  Wait..... Did I just say that?  Holy Moly I am single again. 

Girls just wanna have fun!

Girls just wanna have fun!!  I always wanna have fun with the grand kiddos!  Today I went swimming with these lovely ladies.  At the beginning my sweet niece was all business serious. She looks super cute with the cute swim suit and head band, but she was all about business watching all the little boys swim.  She soon warmed up and loved the pool. She is so lovable and so adorable. I just love kissing those cheeks.  You can tell how smiley she is.  She looks and me and just smiles.  I love her and I pretty sure she loves me too.  ;) 

Bug kinda wanted to swim, but she was more curious about everything outside of the pool and wanted me to get her piggies (toes) more than swim, but it was still fun.  She is sure a cutie and I just love her to pieces.  She loves swimming and being curious.  She is 18 months going on 10! 

I am the crazy aunt everyone warns you about, but I am a fun, loving, caring and special aunt that loves her nieces and nephews to pieces and don't know what in the world she would do without them!!!  Since I don't have kids of my own I like to think I am the second mom. 

My brother cooked some good BBQ for dinner and later in the evening my sweet friend and her boys came and swam. We solved the world's problems (our problems) while the boys worked off some energy and splashed us. It was fun.  We always have so much fun together. She is such a blessing in my life and can relate to the feelings and emotions that I am going through.  We always stay up way to late when we get together, but I love it and it's always worth it.  I am so grateful for good friends.  What a blessing it is to have such good friends! 

I recently had an ice-cream social at my house. It was sooo much fun!  A bunch of my friends from the ward who have been amazing and wonderful to me over the past couple of months came over just to hang out, eat ice-cream, socialize and laugh.  Laughing always helps.  We didn't have a reason or need a reason...it was fun! We laughed a lot (maybe because we all had way too much sugar).  It was sure fun. The sugar kept us laughing until pretty late. I am so grateful for such amazing women in my life. I want to be like all of them when I grow up.  Oh wait....they are all mostly younger than me.  Well then, when they grow up maybe I will be like them.  :)  Thanks, girls!  Sure love ya! 

The "F" Word

Today's post is on the "F" word!  Not the 4 letter "F" word, but the other "F" word. The word FINAL! Why does there have to be such a word?  It's such a harsh word! Not sure what else to say.........

This last week (last Sunday and Tuesday) were super special days for me. They were very unexpected, but very needed and I feel that they were a direct answer to my prayers.  I am so grateful for people who listen to the promptings of the spirit and act upon those promptings. I am so grateful for the leaders in my ward and stake that serve me and love me. I am thankful for others in my ward and stake who love, support and pray for me. I have seen and experienced the blessings of a ward and stake family.  On Sunday the Stake President spoke at our Ward Conference.  He said he was very prompted to speak about certain things.  Those certain things were directly related to what me and some of the other women in our ward are experiencing and challenged with.  It related to my current situation. It gave me courage and hope.  Hope for a new beginning and hope for a future. Hope for what may be in the future and in the life after. I cried through the whole talk. I felt like the Stake President was talking directly to me.  It was a direct answer to my prayers. 

Last week the High Priest Group Leader in my ward called to see if they could come and visit me for Ward Conference visits. Of course I said yes. They came on Tuesday after Ward Conference and after Stake President's talk. I always appreciate the priesthood and good men in my home.  When I answered the door it was a the HPGL and the Stake President.  I wanted to hear more from President when he spoke. I wanted to ask questions. I wanted to tell him thanks. I wanted to hear his counsel and his advice. I wanted to ask more questions. I wanted to feel his love and spirit.  I couldn't believe that I was able to do what I wanted and in the comforts of my own home.  Here these amazing Priesthood holders were in my home to visit with me and just me. They felt prompted to come. They felt inspired. They followed their prompting and because they did they answered my prayer specifically.  I of course cried. I cried because I am sad. I cried because I hurt, I cried because I was happy they listened to the spirit, I cried because I was so happy to have the Priesthood in my home, I cried that I was able to ask all the questions I wanted to after his talk.  I cried because I felt the spirit sooo strong, I cried because my prayers had been answered. They had been answered in such a way that I can't even comprehend.  I know that my Heavenly Father knew what I needed this week.   He knew what was ahead of me and he knew I needed direct help. 

I want to listen and follow the promptings I receive.  I want to bless the lives of others and I know that I can if I am worthy to hear those promptings.  I have learned so much lately. 

I can do hard things, but I don't have to do them alone!  Thank you to everyone for your love! 

Patience

Last weekend I went to the lot with my sister and parents.  We worked on the cabins.  I actually have really enjoyed caulking the cabins.  I know that sounds really crazy and strange, but it has been very therapeutic.  It is relaxing and I can think clearly and talk to myself (inside my head) and I kind of zone out. I figure things out in my head and it just works for me.  Anyways....It was fun helping Cris and then we "supervised" or "Stupervised" my parents build their cabin railing and stairs.  It was a nice and relaxing day.  I have to be really honest....... I didn't get on my four-wheeler and I did have a very good cry/melt down on the way home. The wounds are still very large and tender. This place and four-wheeling was once "our thing" to do together, so I haven't been on it since last fall.  I need to do it, but I do know that I have been really pushing myself to do first things and to be strong and one thing I am realizing is that through this hard trial and the difficult times I need to remember to be patient and take things a little at a time and it's ok to go slow on things as long as I make progress and move forward. I have felt weak when going to my once was  happy spot, but today I realize that I am strong because I have actually gone there and not avoided the place that causes pain, but once was my happy spot.  I want it to be my happy spot again and I know it will be. I just need to be patient with myself.  Patience is easier said than done, but I think if I am a little more patient and just make a little progress then I am doing good.  I am excited to see the progress of the cabins.  It is going to be so fun! Thanks to my sweet sister who has came and picked me up the last couple of Saturdays and taken me to the lot and for listening to me cry down the mountain and on our way home. Deep breath... !

I have an amazing friend who is going through something very similar to what I have been going through. She is amazing and such a blessing in my life.  We had the opportunity to hang out last Friday night. We had pizza, made cookies (She made cookies) and we just chatted. She did my hair like 15 years ago and we lost touch and then reconnected when she moved into my ward. I just love her.  She has been such a huge support to me and the situations I have experienced lately.  I am so grateful for knowing people who have experienced what I am going through. They have helped me so much. Everyone has helped me so much.  I am so grateful for all my sweet friends. It's bitter sweet to say that I am lucky to have so many friends who have gone through divorce. It SUCKS and don't wish it on anyone (the bitter part), but I am glad we can help each other (sweet part). I honestly don't know what I would do without all of you.  So for those who have been divorced and remarried you give me HOPE and for those of you and me who are sad and want it again....Let's have hope.  We all deserve to be a princess.  :) 

Love bug!

LOVE

This is what I call LOVE!  I love this little girl with all my heart. I am so lucky to be her aunt.  I got the sweet opportunity of being in the birthing room when she was born. That was a once in a lifetime opportunity for me since I will not be able to experience that on my own.  I just love, love, love this little bug! I can't get enough of her sweet spirit. She cheers me up on the gloomiest days. I am very blessed to have so many children in my life.  I am also grateful for their parents that allow me to be just like a second mom. I have always wanted to be a mom and by being a special aunt and a Primary President I get to kinda be like a mom and I LOVE it!

Oh yesterday...Yesterday was a big first. It was my 6 year wedding anniversary.  Of course I would be sad and was very sad because this is usually a happy day for couples to celebrate their beginning and life together. It has always been a very happy and memorable day for me. It's something I always reflect upon when my anniversary rolls around.  This is my first anniversary alone and I am still trying to figure what just happened and what will happen next.  I am very grateful for my day yesterday and for my loving friends and family who took good care of me and made it a great day. It was easier than I thought it would be because of them.  I was able to spend the night at my sisters house. It's always fun to be with her and her family. She has a very warm and inviting home and she always takes such great care of me while I am there. I love being around her kids and let's be honest.... they love me too! We ordered take out, we ate sugar cookies and cupcakes from "Sweet Tooth Fairy" and watched a good movie in our jammies.  We laughed, cried, talked and solved the world's problems.  We talked about good memories and we even talked about my hopes and dreams for the future. Yes... I have hopes and dreams for the future. I have high hopes and dreams of some day being a wife again and one day being a mom.  I look forward to that and hope and pray it comes my way. 

I can do hard things....., but I don't have to do them alone--thank heavens!

My Doc

So many of you know that I had major surgery 4 months ago.  For those of you that don't know... I had major surgery 4 months ago. For those of you who don't know why--please ask because I can talk about it now. I am learning to not be such a private person and talk more about what I am going through. I find that really I can be open if I just try a little harder and let people in. I have had some health problems for several years (15+ years) that lead me to this surgery. It was a heartbreaking surgery.  I am doing and feeling much better now and my health is doing much better, but there is still a lot of pain, heartache and emptiness inside.  Needless to say the last 4 months have been a little challenging.....

I went to see my Dr. yesterday to follow up on a few things that I have been struggling with since the surgery and through my recovery.  Can I just say.... I love and appreciate my Dr. so much.  I am thankful that I found the right Dr. at the right time.  He has helped me through some very difficult times both physically and emotionally. I think because of our conversation and his great advice I was able to conquer another first and what could have been a very hard day yesterday.  I think just having someone take the time to find out about me. How I am doing. How my health is doing and overall my well being. He took time to listen, give advice, cry with me and listen.  This was such a tender mercy for me. I really appreciated his insight and care. It was truly an answer to my prayers.  

You never know whose life you are going to touch, uplift, impact and possibly save.  You never know how much your kindness and your acts of service are helping someone else. You may not realize when, or where and it could be now.  I am very thankful for the friendship, support and time that everyone has put forth on my behalf over the past 4 months. You have truly left me a better person than when you found me and for that I am grateful.