What's another birthday

You don't come home anymore. I know you dont really like this house, but still I'd really appreciate if u could at least spend weekdays at hone.

Sometimes its not fun anymore being alone. Especially if your young but lonely.

I put all my feelings about what this weird little "non sexual" relationship you have. Cz I dont want you to think I won't be supportive. But I couldn't be bothered anymore. You say I Judge you and this and that. So fine. You said you finally found somebody who you could talk to without being guilty or feel crazy and like other people judge you. I hope this doesn't mean that you can't tell me things and that you think i judge you think your crazy and make you feel guilty. Cause it definitely is making me feel that way. Especially when I didn't even do anything in the first place. Maybe I should have asked. But, come on. How do you expect me to ask? 'are you fucking your boss?" is that it?

And it's fine. Go fuck anybody you like. But just don't lie and exclude me from everything. Cause it already seems like you suddenly found a man and replaced me overnight.

But that was fine. It was all fine. Who am I to say anything anyway.
I just wished that this one day, you could atleast stay home and have dinner. Atleast.
It'd not like we'll do anything. But atleast could you maybe spend the night home so I'm not alone for once instead of spending the night at a man's house.
I'm not selfish. I just didn't Wana be alone again on my birthday.

no longer my cookie cutter

I cant sleep.
Seems that lately, ive had this bitch of a feeling in me that makes me so sad all the time.
I am an emotional person. but when it comes to boys, im a rock. and i know exactly what i like and what i dont. and when it came to you. I know so well, i was so sure, you're my type of guy. That when you first approached me at the nightclub i didnt even think twice to give you my number. but at the same time im so confused as well.

Yes this post is about Toby. its always about him.

I am so pissed. not because you dont love me back, but because you just left me alone again.
you didnt even give me a proper explanation. "reality dont deserve my grasp" isnt an explanation. And whats worse, you ignore me, ignore my texts, ignore me on the streets.
I hated you for that, i really did. How can someone who supposedly wanted so much to be with me, not want anything to do with me now?

Im hurt. And i hate you. but then again i really dont. Infact, i think im in love with this ass hole. and it took me forever to realize that i really do infact like him so much, that it bothers me, late at night, and i cant sleep.

All i want is to get a text from you. just a silly hi and i'd be fine. I miss your pirate talk, your weird stories, your funny entics, how you made movies of me, made me laugh, how you made me feel. It was a good thing, and we were both too scared to hold on to it, to admit that we want things to work out, eventhough we are afraid that we might like the other more than the other likes us. And now, nobody wins. All we have left is but our miseries.

Yes, i feel misery. I've never felt this emotion in a long long time.

First there was curiosity, then there was joy, and adoration came along. i adored you like the greeks adored the sun. after that, i thought i loved you. and then you dissapeared.

Valentines day you came back to me, and then i felt joy again, you bring laughter, you bring love. you showed me patience and care. but why you gotta dissapear everytime i wanna love you?

is this not what you want? why can you never be honest if this is not what you want.

didnt i ask you clearly, if you'd want to give it a shot and didnt you say yes?

you tell me your busy, you didnt have time. You need to be slaying a boss. but i always felt like its your way of rejecting me and pushing me aside.

Damn it Toby why cant you just let me love you?!

You hurt me so bad. and im so angry with everything. Angry with how you treated me, angry with your dissapearing acts, angry that you dont even reply my texts, angry that you saw me on the streets and walked away, angry, so angry. angry at so many things but i still want to be given another chance.

the worst of all is when i see another chick using the nickname i gave you. HOW COULD YOU?! you can share it with another girl, but do you really wanna kill me? cz im dying from this.

you were MY Mr. Tobaby Mann and now you'r some one else's mann.

you drive me insane, cookie cutter, you really do. but i miss you none the less. I miss you, everyday.

"Nevermind i'll find someone like you.

I wish nothing but the best for you, too.

Dont forget me, I beg,

I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love,

Sometimes it hurts instead."

Financial burdens

recently it seems impossible to not step on any of my family member's toes. and by family member im actually only referring to the "weaker" half of the group.
I never ask for extra pocket money. you've been sending money here because i need it to pay fees, and i need allowance for next month. i fly to melbourne OR to canberra, ive never asked for any extra money. and who the fuck are you to tell me "mom never gave you those money to be spent on short trips and holidays"
even when on my "short trips" i spend the bare minimum. i dont even go out cz i know i will end up spending money. so i just bunk in carmen's house ALL DAY!
is it because im suddenly enjoying myself in adelaide? that im going out. and you suddenly think, Oh she must be spending too much cz she's going here and there. but i never asked for any extra money! you give me the same amount every month! the only reason y i can afford things now is because my rent has reduced by a MILE!
last yr when i had to starve myself ALL the TIME, have i ever asked for extra? so many nights i go to bed with an empty stomach because i CANT AFFORD TO EAT! because i know you are sending about RM3500 a month to me, you dont even spend that much on yourself and your not working anymore.
I could have stayed home back in malaysia. i was perfectly fine with that. im not the one who is always planning to get away from the family, to go overseas and this and that. ive always told you i dont want to go. Not because i dont want to have exoerience studying overseas, visiting new places, make new friends. I didnt wana go because i didnt want to burden the family financially. And you kept insisting i go. And i am happy you gave me the chance. But while im here, i know its tough to support me and i know you keep asking me to get a job, but nobody would hire me! you think i dont want a job, to earn my own money, to tell you, "oh next month onwards you dont hav to send me anymore money i can manage by myself just fine".

Why am i suddenly the bad person? you are making me feel like i am causing the troubles at home, saying things like "can you please budget and save money? everybody at home have to ikat perut because of you and you there is having the time of your life"

i seriously think that having you on facebook is a bad idea. at first i dont mind it, n then you start stalking me and reading every single thing i post or what my friends comment on, in detail. and then you get upset about things like if i went here n there.... im spending my allowance money. i didnt ask for EXTRA! so y r u saying that im spending more?

iv just had it with the guilt tripping. im hundreds of miles away from home. least you could do is not guilt trip me everytime we talk. EVERYTIME we talk you will say things like "oh i cant afford to do this n that" "budget is very tight" "cant do this cz no money, have to send money to you"

just say the word, n i'll go home. i dont need to continue studying here if money is the issue.

ive just had enough of it. enough.

as far as i know. i NEVER ask for extra. NEVER! and now that im finally able to spend more from rent cut, i get this feeling that you are all unhappy seeing that im happy here. What do you want me to do? seriously. you want me to feel bad? congratulations, i already feel bad. infact every month when my allowance comes trough i feel fucking bad. everytime i go to d groceries i feel fucking bad. everytime i spend money i feel fucking bad.

and YOU. oh, you. i know exactly what you think! im not robbing you of any opportunity. if you behave yourself, you will get what you want. but you must also learn to give and take? Im not spending all our parents money. stop hating me. just STOP! i dont need shit from you, ur negativity, ur snide remarks ur stinking attitude.

STOP! everything please. just stop.

There's 2 person that I really miss from back home. My terrorist and my neighbors.
I just found out that d guys hav been boycotting Daryll n hav been telling everyone else to do the same. They have lost my respect for them.
I don't tolerate petty highschool drama, specially not when u r already 22 and it's my beat friend u r boycotting. Best of all, nobody really knows d reason. They just follow what d others r doing. This is just bullshit. I would like to hear Ur side of the story but until somebody explains their stupid behaviour to me imma continue being angry about this situation back home.
How can u wake up one day and just hate someone u know so well n since high school. I don't get it. Stop being such a girl! Man up, confront him for what he did wrong, give him the chance to apologize and then move on!
Makes me so fuckin upset.

N Azrin, god damn I miss u so much. Ugghhh. I kno I say it a lil too often, but doesn't mean I'm not sincere everytime I say it. Haih. I guess u do feel closer n more connected to some1 when their house is only few doors down.

Heh, guess what?

I went trough toby's pics n found a pic of him makin out with some other chick. *smooch smooch* hehe. Sneaky bastard. N he was all over a diff chick too. Mr popular huh?

'first I was afraid, I was petrified' lol. No seriously, I was a lol bit afraid Cz I felt slightly betrayed from his words, he is such a sweet talker when he wants something. I was afraid that I might have feelings for him.
N then I checked myself, n realized, mehhh... Why should I b sad. We'r definitely not together. N I hav desire of gettig together yet. Although having a sweet talker text u compliments can be really fun. And, clearly I'm the winner in this situation Cz no matter how many girls he made out or danced with that night, he still called me by d end o him. Huh.
Silly boy. I dono whether to feel flattered or insulted. He might be treating me as a booty call, u know, those girls made out with him but by the end of the night he didn't score, so I might be a sure bet. But I would like to think that, hey! Atleast he thought of me when he is horny. Ahhh, being the object of guy's jack off fantasy is suuucchhh a 'complement'. But 'tis :D

So now that I realized, I am capable of being a player too, I say we proceed to the next levels. Sanitizers, check! Comfy pillows, check! Condoms, check! Heh heh.... Watever la do not judge me, it's about time I find out what the fuck I've been missing out on! There's a huge rave around sex and I want in! Don't worry, if I can't handle it and start to develop feelings I will either tell him n move on or stop the benefits (which will not be ideal but necessary)
Moreover I already know what his 'pal' looks like, should be preparation enough right? Lol. O won't get shocked n think 'omg omg is it dead? Y is it so pale?' hahaha Cz pale white boys, my friends, will have pale white dicks. Haha

Ok. Good night.

Here we go again

Some of u might know of this guy I know in Malaysia, and sorta had a fling with. But it ended when I found out he has a gf?? Yeah..... Anyway. Lately he's been complementing me, telling me how good I like, saying he misses me n shit.
And then after chatting me up he also told me he broke up with the gf. And then he says things like, you know I always liked you. And you know we have alot in common, we match each other. Bla bla....

Don't remind ok? I thought we were soul mates. He is basically a better looking Daryll. N every1 knows I'm closest to Daryll.
So when I was introduced to this guy I was like whoah, where have you been all my life.
Although We'r not all that close, but over d few times we net each other, there was hardcore flirting going on. N it felt natural n it felt like a good thing. But then suddenly it went down the hill Cz he said he has a gf. Then WTF were u flirting with me for??

I cant respect that.

But what a waste. Even Daryll agrees that we'd be very suitable for each other. Thats y he set us up. But at day time he didn't mention that d guy wasnt single. I mean they were not official yet but hey, it still counts if uv feelings for another girl and she loves n cares for you. I will never take another womans man. I cannot do that. girls r suppose to stand up for one another. I am not a bitch. N I don't hurt ppl's feelings. Or be the cause of their suffering. So I swallowed any feelings I have left for him and just forgot about it. We r still friends. I'm actually pretty friendly to his gf. N she's a really nice person.
And I was glad I made d right decision.

And slowly I lost interest with him and other guys came along.
But suddenly now that he's single and available, and he tells me he always liked me. I kinda Wana believe him but it's just too good to be true. I sort of feel like I'm the rebound girl. Although I Wana believe it and I do still like him, I feel like, maybe I should be a cold bitch and make him want me more. Cz if I give in too easily..... Well let's just say I'm a nice girl n im all about peace n love, but I ain't no fuxking rebound and I refuse to be one. Ever.

So.... I should just wait and see what happens. Hope I'm doing the right thing. Cz I do like him and I don't Wana blow my chances but then again, what am I gonna do Cz long distance never work. But I'm afraid if I don't grab hold of the opportunity now I might lose him again h know. When Im back in Malaysia he'll be taken again. But then if he does get another gf, I guess it only goes to show We'r only meant to be friends not lovers. What's not meant to be will never be.

I love melbourne!

Befrore audrey came to Melbourne, i stayed with carmen. yeah shes my bitch. lol. The view from her apartment was amazing

Went to Monash University for Nat's graduation. Very far! it took around 1 hour 30 minutes by train AND bus to get there from city.

This is the St Paul's Cathedral. One of their landmarks.

View of the St Paul Cathedral from the Federation Square, which is direction beside it. Theres restautants and cafes there, but people usually sit on the steps to have lunch, and theres street performers there as well. very entertaining.

spotted some guy with lion hair at the federation square! haha

The General Post Office. so old school.

This is Chinatown. quite small but very busy.

This is one of the many laneways in Melbourne, they have very nice cafes and coffee places. Apparently its more of a locals area.

they have very nice fresh flowers here. My mom will definitely like.

What im most impressed about Melbourne is that they have alot of laneway arts / grafitti. Its actually very very nice and impressive.

This is at Hosier Lane, one of the laneways famous for its grafitti art.

every corner or empty space of wall is decorated with grafitti art. As you can see, even the dumpster area.

Beautiful huh? this piece was about 8 ft tall? maybe higher.

dont be fooled by the sun, its actually very windy and cold. Hence, my sisteer's facial expression. haha

They have these old gothic style buildings everywhere. so beautiful.

This one is an old cinema i think.

And then theres the AC/DC lane, not so much grafitti, but its famous for band flyers, rock concert posters, plastered every corner of this lane.

Shoes hanging by the shoe string on the electric line..... apparently its some sign that people used to deal drugs in that area. im not sure.

see all the posters.

And this one is Union Lane:

more grafitti art.

This is the state library! theres a lawn right infront of it, and i came here almost everyday. Just to sit on the grass, eat my lunch, and look at people passing by.

usually i take away from hungry jacks or i'll buy sushi.

haha... this guy brought his dog to the state library lawn. Trying to pick up girls la.... obviously its working. the dog is a chic magnet... cnt say the same for the guy...HAHA

Some weird skinny man statue in the busy streets....

We also managed to take a bus up to Mt Dandenong, legend has it that theres a giant who resides there :O ??

Nice scenery.

Crown Casino.

casino at night...we didnt go in, just took pictures outside.

beautiful lights.

When my sister came, we moved to St Kilda, theres where the nearest beach is. Its very commercialized. the beach is not as clean as the other beaches. but still very nice place. Alot of small bohemian type of cafes, shops. Lots of restaurants and bars also.

This is our room at the Ritz BAckpackers place. very nice and clean.

Also, the day we checked in at St Kilda, somebody got proposed to. The guy did some message thing in the air. It was too windy, so it blew "Marry" away. or else u would be able to see the words "Marry Me Kerri"

The cricket match was on and alot of ppl took chairs and towels and just sat on the big grass space infront of the huge TV under the hot sun the whole day to watch the match. Crazy Aussies and their cricket.

haha bollywood style...

Suddenly there was some loud music and this banner in the sky that says "you look hot"..... how smart of coca cola, their marketing skills prove effective. After seeing this i went to buy a coke. haha

This is the tram stop at St Kilda in the evening, we take the tram to the city everyday from here.

Audrey, by the harbour. looking very happy :D

In Melbourne i think i put on at least 3kg! because i kept eating and eating and eating

burger at young and jackson. The best burger i ever had. so good!!

Japanese food at Chapel Street

Grilled Lamb at this famous Greek restaurant called stalactites, in the city.

Max Brenner's waffles..VERY GOOD!!!

we also always had ice cream, and gelato. somehow it taste different, nicer. better than baskin robbins.

me with the souvenirs i bought!! hahaha.... look like a crazy tourist. very enthusiastic

I think ive covered all on Melbourne. Next time if i catch you on skype i will tell you stories and my experiences. Met alot of friends there.

this is Carmen, dont have to explain la.... kawan tua. old friend.

this is Van, her name is vanessa but i call her van la. short form. She's my housemates friend, when i was in Melbourne, she drove me around and introduced me to her friend. very nice of her.

This is Allan and i dono, Jasmine? He is Malaysian but born in australia. very funny guy.

haha...as you can see.

and then theres vivian (girl in the middle) and her friend, forgot name. This picture was taken during NYE, we went to the casino to see fireworks.

Rob Mai. he is vietnamese born australian. hes so cute!!! chubby chubby act toughie... haha

Rob has a tattoo on his leg...

And this is JP. with Allan. He is half malaysian, half british. but born in Australia. Can you believe he is only same height as me?

They are all carmen's friends. She introduced them to me, and then she went back to malaysia for holiday. So her friends were all too nice and they call me out and bring me around, make sure we wont be alone for new years eve.

They stay in the suburbs, about 1 hour train ride from the city, thats why in the pictures, you can see, they booked a hotel room. So we drank abit in the hotel room, then at around 11pm took the tram to the casino just in time for fireworks. Me and sis didnt plan to stay long cause the next morning have to go to the airport at 7am.

but we were there til 4am!!! 4am!!! we drank like fucking fishes.... jaggerbombs after jaggerbombs after jaggerbombs.... until i, ME, i had many battle scars from that night. i kept bumping on chairs and falling of the sofas, when we were looking at fireworks i was so drunk, i rolled on the floor. haha!

we were sitting on the sofa and i just "slide" down on the floor.... seriously... haha.. n then every1 started sitting on the floor with me....lol. oh, thats Carmen's "frrrriiiiieeennnndddd" JP...haha....he was soo nice to me. guess he have to if he wants my approval.

i dont know what happened but i was, found on the floor.... again....

ppl who drink with me will know, when i drink, first i get super funny n hyper, then i just drop dead. i'll sleep wherever the fuck i can find space. im not the type who pukes, i just ...SLEEP?

I seriously K-O d. im sleeping EVERYWHERE. and they wont take no for an answer. So they "rape" me...lol...no la... they just kept coming and sit on me 1 by 1.... n then this JP also sudah nyanyuk he say, "denise, dont worry i'll protect you from their asses...." eh, you so small size how to protect me la... haiyoh. but it was so funny.... laughed my ass off. was surprised to see this pic on my camera the next morning....

actually, surprised to see alot of the pictures on the camera. cz i dont rmb bringing out my camera. but i did told rob to take money from my purse, which was in my bag, along with the camera.

There was alot of ROBERT MAI CAMWHORE pictures....it will remain under my personal keepsake for my eyes only! heh heh heh *evil grin* he is mine.... everybody fuck off....

he is studying medical science okayyyyy.... ppl got tattoo, AND brains kkkkk......

can u imagine after he graduate? Doctor Rob.... *shudders* ohhhh....sexxxyyy... :O

Last but not least, i dyed my own hair red! new year new hair.... luckily its not VERY red. its more of a purplish red. not bad. Told mom before i was going to dye my hair, she didnt like the idea, but later i showed her a picture and she said its nice... success.