Picturing the Day

For me those last few weeks of pregnancy are spent daydreaming about the day I would give birth.  Would my orchid still be blooming? Would it be during the full moon?  Would my water break or would I spend all night contracting, wondering when I should go to the hospital?  How would it all play out? It’s an event wrought with emotions of excitement, anxiety, fear, and hope.

My due date was March 27^th, Easter Sunday.  I’ve never thought much of due dates and have never actually had a baby on my due date, but I assumed I would go a few days late based on my experiences with Miles and Reuben.  To add to my assumption, I hadn’t been having any contractions, the baby was high, posterior, and my cervix hadn’t dilated much.  My guess was that he would be born on March 31^st.

On Sunday, March 13^th, we spent the evening at my parent’s house.  The weather was nice and we spent a fair amount of time playing outside with the kids.  My brother in law joked that jumping rope was going to put me into labor.  Later that night Kirk asked me if I wanted to take some evening primrose (an oil that supposedly helps move things along).  I declined because I felt so unprepared to have our baby.  Kirk said something along the lines of, “It’s not like you’re going to take one pill and suddenly go into labor.”  I still opted against it.  We had been in the process of moving Maren into her new bedroom in the basement and didn’t have any furniture.  I had taken some of the baby stuff down from the attic but it was still in bags and bins sitting in the garage.  Mostly I felt overwhelmed with everything that “had” to happen before the baby came.  Plus, there was a huge winter storm warning issued for the next day with projections of 1-3 feet of snow.  I could just picture me going into labor and my mom not being able to get to the house to help out with my older kids.  After spending some time entertaining my worries, I finally fell asleep.

At about 5:00 am the next morning, I was feeling a little gassy.  As I tried to pass gas, I felt a little gush.  I hadn’t been to the bathroom for a few hours so I assumed that I just needed to pee.  I changed and went back to bed.  At 7:00, when I went to wake the kids up for school, the gush happened again when I was cuddling with Maren.  At that point, I was a little suspicious, but still thought I just needed to pee.  I went into the bathroom and told Kirk that either my water had broken, or I was having issues controlling my bladder.  We were both still in denial at that point.  It only took another 15 minutes or so of walking around to confirm that my water had broken.  Ready or not, today would be the day!

Not really knowing how long it would be before real labor began, I called my mom and tearfully relayed the situation.  I was in a bit of a panic, knowing that I didn’t have ANYTHING ready.  She said she would come right away and pick up my Miles and Reuben.  Since I wasn’t contracting yet, we opted to send Maren and Jesse to school and have my mom pick them up later.  After getting things situated with the kids, I felt less stressed and more excited about what the day would bring.  My midwife said I could either go straight to the hospital or hang around at home and wait to see if contractions would pick up.

Kirk and I figured it would be a good time to get some things ready.  My mom took the bin of newborn clothes and bedding and offered to wash everything.  Kirk packed up the hospital bag, did the laundry, and cleaned the house.  I showered, shaved, and painted my toenails a lovely purple (to match my varicose veins) all while listening and singing along to Aimee Mann and Dido.  I also ate several meals, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to eat once I checked into the hospital.

At around 1:00 we decided to go on a walk to see if I could start contracting.  It’s been a tradition with every labor to walk or visit the big tree stump a few blocks away.  The winter storm seemed to be a bit of a dud and it wasn’t raining so we took our chances.  We took a few pictures at the stump and decided to keep walking up around the hospital pond and Glassman pond.  On the way home, big snowflakes started to fall and the wind picked up.  Luckily we wore our raincoats and had an umbrella, but by the time we got home our pants were soaked.  The walk brought on a few contractions, but nothing major.  My midwife suggested I go in, mostly because there is a higher risk of infection the longer you go with ruptured membranes.  I obliged because I really wanted the little guy to come and didn’t want to end up laboring all night.

We got the remainder of our things ready for the hospital and headed out.  When I arrived at around 2:45 I was only about 2.5 cm and having some regular, mild contractions.  I told the nurse I wanted to try and nap before starting on Pitocin.  It turns out that napping in a hospital is notoriously impossible.  Just when you start to doze off someone comes in, the phone rings, or a monitor starts buzzing.  Finally at around 4:30 the nurse started me on a low dose of Pitocin.  She left the room and within 5 minutes a monitor was going off.  Kirk fidgeted with it a bit and was able to get the alarm to turn off, but it wasn’t really administering any of the Pitocin.  We called for the nurse, but no one came.  Since I was still tired, I just let things be and finally got a quick nap.

My midwife and her student showed up at around 5:45 to check on me.  They fixed the Pitocin and dialed it up a few notches.  Within a half hour the contractions were coming on pretty strong.  I knew I would most likely want an epidural and I didn’t see any sense waiting until the last minute like I did with Miles and Reuben, so I asked for it.  I was only about 4 cm and still had a ways to go before delivering.  It was perfect timing, but still took another half hour or so to kick in. I still had quite a bit of movement in my legs and I could still feel the contractions, but they were only mildly uncomfortable.  

Kirk and I tried to watch a movie, but the medication made me a little sleepy.  I was hoping that everything would go quickly because I was starting to get hungry.  At about 7:30 I sent Kirk down to get some food.  The cafeteria was closed so he ended up leaving and getting pizza at Papa Johns. While he was gone I was feeling quite a bit of pressure.  The nurse checked me and I was about 7 cm.  She seemed to be a little nervous that Kirk was gone and stayed in the room with me to make sure I didn’t push the baby out without him.  At about 8:40 Kirk strolled in at the same time as the midwife.

When she checked me I was fully dilated, but the baby was still sunny side up.  She tried holding onto his head and swiveling him around, but he was not interested.  She wanted me to go ahead and start pushing anyway.  I was really nervous and had visions of him getting stuck or me pushing for hours.  It was pretty evident with my first few pushes that we were making progress and in just 3 contractions (at 8:52 pm) the little guy was out ready to face the world!

He started crying immediately and they placed him up on my chest.  He was a tiny 6 pounds 8 ounces, 18.5 inches, covered in vernix, with fuzzy blond hair.  My eyes filled with tears of happiness while the nurses wiped him down while he shrieked on my chest.  He was perfect in every way!  I won’t deny a twinge of sadness in those tears, to come to the final culmination of what I consider one of the most amazing experiences in life. 

As he gazed up at me with those bright, open eyes, it felt so good and so right to have him here.  I was so elated that everything went so smooth and easy, that he was healthy and arrived safely.  Looking back on all my thoughts about how “the day” would go, I don’t think I could have imagined a more perfect day.

A Solid Reason for a Selfie

I’m not a fan of taking “selfies”, in fact the very word irritates me.  Every once in a while though, I find myself thinking, I want to remember this.  I want to remember what I am doing right now.  Not to capture so much what I look like, but more to remember a simple thing, that I know I’ll forget if I don’t document somehow.  As I sat nursing my little nine month old, his chubby, distracted fingers grabbing at my face and phone, I just couldn't imagine a better place to be.  I love examining his hair and facial features.  His hair curls up when he is hot, so it is fun to switch sides to see the curls that have been created in the crease of my arm.  I watch his blue eyes open and close and dart at any noise.  His fingernails are due for a clipping, so I frequently have to grab his little hands when he starts to pinch me.  Afterwards, his sits on my lap and loves to pat the arm of the chair while making happy noises.  I use a forefinger to check his gum line, hoping that the next tooth has finally surfaced.  We nuzzle our faces together and I can’t help but kiss the area where I think his neck might be because it makes him laugh.  Although this is not a “good” picture by any standard, it was a solid reason for taking a selfie.

My Miles

My little buddy had a birthday.  I love this kiddo!  We have so much fun together.  Since the older two are in school, we keep each other entertained.  He is very sweet with Reuben, who he calls "Little Reubers".  He's still into trains, but also love hot wheels and Rescue Bots.  He still feels like my baby and I love that when I cuddle him he starts to suck his thumb.  Someday soon the thumb sucking will have to go, but for now, I still kinda like it.  He loves playing with Jesse and I can often find them playing "Bros", which I'm not quite sure all that the game entails, other than they wear tank tops.  He loves coloring and always picks up the crayons and artwork when he is done with his creations.  He is a good friend at preschool and is having fun learning new things.  His beautiful smile lights up a room.  I am so lucky to be his mom!

Someone New!

Introducing Reuben Otis Johnson:

Born February 11, 2014 at 10:13 am

7lbs 8 oz, 20.5 inches long

Even though it was a little boy, big sister was in LOVE....and 5 months later still is!

Fun to have your "baby" meet your "baby"

And to have big brother become a big brother again!

Our family is looking kind of big, my gown is looking quite flattering, and my daughter is looking somewhat like a gopher.

It was a very long and arduous labor (18 hours)!  You would think having already been dilated 4 cm with my  4th child that it would go quick, but that was not the case.  I was just past my due date and my midwife  stripped my membranes in the office around 1 pm and by 4 I was having pretty steady contractions, just not very strong ones.  We arranged for my mom to come get the kids that evening since we figured it would be soon.  I wasn't quite sure what point to go to the hospital, I would contract a lot while walking, but they would taper off when I would sit or lie down.  It seemed I could either help things along by staying upright, or I could try to get some sleep.

I opted for sleep but by midnight I thought I had been contracting enough to have made some progress so we headed off to the hospital hoping they could break my water and get this show on the road (I progress really quickly if my water is broken).  Unfortunately after 8 hours of contractions I was still only 4 cm and my contractions slowed down so much when I got there that they wouldn't even admit me.  I couldn't believe it!  I was now one of those women who go to the hospital too early!  The nurse told me to walk around for an hour and get rechecked.  I was already so tired that walking sounded horrible, so I got dressed and went home hoping to sleep some more.

Once home the contractions intensified but still only 8-10 min apart.  I alternated between bed, bath, luv sac, crying, shaking etc.  Kirk gave me some relief by using the hip squeeze method, but he really needed sleep too so I tried not to wake him every 10 min.  Finally at 5am we texted our midwife to get some direction.  She told us to meet her at her office at 6:45am and she would see if I'd made any progress so I wouldn't have another hospital episode.  I crossed my fingers that I had progressed some.

Luckily I had, but not much, I was 6 cm.  She told us to go straight to the hospital and that she would come and break my water after her meeting.  While driving to the hospital in the early morning light, I felt a renewed sense of strength and hope that I could do this.  Even feeling more confident, I still deliberated whether or not I wanted to use the natural birthing room, because if I got to the point where I wanted an epidural I would have to change rooms.  When I got there, I chose to go to a regular room just in case, but told the nurse that I wanted to go without an epidural.

We got to my room, the nurse checked me again and I was about 7 cm.  At this point she left Kirk and I alone.  I was so exhausted.  Kirk suggested we do some relaxation and he read a script to me.  I fell mostly asleep and sailed through the contractions.  Through my heavy eyelids, I could sense the sunlight getting brighter in the pink morning.  Every once and while I would open my eyes and see a perfect view of our neighborhood and our church steeple in the distance.  The nurse came in to give me some Fentanyl.  I was feeling pretty good and didn't think that I needed it, but opted to get it because I knew my midwife would be coming soon to break my water.  My midwife took longer than I expected and came in about 8:45am.  Truthfully I wasn't sure if I wanted her to break my water because I was doing so good at that point and knew that labor would intensify, but I went ahead with it.

I was about 7.5 cm  and my midwife said that the baby felt posterior so she had me roll to the other side which was less comfortable.  I continued doing well for a bit as labor dramatically intensified.  I got up to use the bathroom, and told Kirk that I was seriously considering getting drugs.  It's always this point in labor where I think to myself "why in the heck am I doing this", "who care's if I get an epidural, the result is the same".  I am not a happy person in labor, not screaming or anything, but I certainly don't make sound choices under those circumstances.

The nurse came in to check on me and I told her that I really wanted to get an epidural.  Kirk was trying to talk me out of it, not because he's opposed to it, but because that's what I had prepared for and told him I wanted.  Kirk tried desperately to get me to change my mind, but the nurse said "Marcy, YOU tell me what you want".  I replied, "Get me the epidural!"  After that, I could scarcely look my husband in the eye.  Inside I really wished that it would be too late and that I would feel the urge to push before the doctor got there, but the other part of me wanted the pain gone!  It was a relief that it was going to be over soon either way.

My midwife came in with the anesthesiologist and asked if I wanted her to check me first.  I ignored her.  I was SO ready to be done!  The needle went in easily and I felt the tingling in my toes, waiting patiently for it to numb the pain.  Once administered they had me lay down and the doctor told me it would be about 10 minutes for it to work.  It was 9:48 and I could hardly wait until 9:58.

When 10 minutes was up, my midwife checked me, only to find that I was fully dilated, except a small cervical lip.  She moved it aside and dressed up for me to start pushing.  I pushed through a few contractions and the little man was born 13 minutes later!  Since I wasn't totally numb I could feel the pressure leave my stomach, it was weird.  They plopped him up on my chest.  He was bald, wet and slippery.   It took him a bit to start crying.  It was amazing!  I loved that I got to just hold and nurse him before the staff did anything else.  Kirk told me "good job!" and I couldn't help but feel twinge of sadness and guilt that I hadn't gone unmedicated, but that was overshadowed by the beautiful boy that had just entered the world.

..............................................................................

Now, 5 months have passed and I'm finally writing his birth story.  Part of my reason for waiting is because with 4 kids, where is the time?  The other reason is because that whole of feeling guilt/sadness, well ... that coupled with the crash in hormones made me an emotional wreck.  I cried a lot and it was even more difficult when I had to tell my story over and over again.  It was a strange mix of emotions and it bothered me that I was so distraught about it.  Here I have this perfect, healthy little boy and I'm stuck reliving my "birth story".  I hated that my feelings over the birth, stole from my joy!

To be clear, I feel much better about everything now and I've really tried to pinpoint why I felt the way I did. I felt like I put my husband in an awkward situation and that I let him down.  I felt like I failed at childbirth (silly, I know) and I'm a Snow. Though I may come across sweet and easy going, I'm competitive.  I'm not anti-pain killers or anti-drug, and unmedicated labor seemed like just another challenge to make it to the finish line.  To put the nail on the head it all boiled down to pride.

Childbirth is not a competition.  It's a single fraction of pregnancy and even a smaller fraction of motherhood. How I chose to give birth does not define me as a person or a mother.  Once I realized that, it all seemed okay.  Sure my pride had been hurt, but that was all.I still had this enormous amount of love for my little guy, a greater appreciation for my husband, and an extreme (almost unearthly) amount of gratitude that I had been blessed to have four wonderful children!

There is nothing quite like giving birth to a child!  It's strange, each time I have given birth and met this tiny person from Heavenly Father that grew in my belly, I instantly want to do it again.  I guess time will tell if little Reuben O. will be our baby.

S'Miles

I finished this video ages ago, posted it on Facebook, and emailed it to family, but it needs a home here too.  Miles is one awesome kid!  Aside of being remarkably handsome, he's just as sweet.  He is still a mama's boy and I'm usually the one he wants to help him with things or snuggle him when he's hurt.  I know he loves me and feels comfortable in my arms because all I have to do is hold him and he'll start sucking his thumb - just like his favorite blanket.  I probably treat him more like a baby than I should, but he is my baby for now at least until February when a little brother will be joining the family.  I'm so glad I've gotten the chance to have one on one time with him while Maren and Jesse are at school.
A few things I love about this boy:  He smiles with his whole face and his eyes disappear.  He loves trains and loves for me to drive past a special place just to see them.  He loves the I-Pad and frequently gets in trouble for going into my room, locking the door, and playing games or watching Netflix.  He is my very best eater, in fact, for his snack today he ate an entire half of a butternut squash.  He tries so hard to keep up with big brother and sister.  He plays well with them.  He loves books and knows his colors and shapes.  He says hilarious things in his super cute voice.  He called me into his room the other night around 10.  When I asked him what he wanted he said "Mom?  What's your favorite food?"  I love this little man with all my heart and glad he had a happy 3rd birthday!



Miles Year 3 from Marcy Johnson on Vimeo.

This is My Girl...

I fear the blog may turn into 3 birthday videos a year.  At least those are my favorite posts, and pretty much document everything that has happened in the last year.  Did I mention we went to St. George for a week over spring break?  Or that we spent a week in California (Disneyland included) and topped it off in Vegas for my brother-in-laws Med School graduation.  How about successfully potty training our baby.  No?  Well, we did those things, plus there's been a myriad of cool and super cute things my kids have said and done over the last few months, but about my Girl...

Maren is SEVEN, yes SEVEN!  My my it has gone by much faster than seven years is supposed to.  It has been amazing to see her learn so much in school.  It is fun to read with her and have really intelligent conversations with her.  She is well known for being the best artist in her class and won 2 trophies this year in the reflections contest.  I've been so impressed with her perspective in the things that she draws.  She's also got such a pretty voice and has great pitch.  I keep telling her she needs to do a solo in church, but she's kind of shy about singing for people (she is so embarrassed about her singing the the movie - but I love it).

I love how I can tell that she recognizes the spirit.  There have been a few times when we have been reading scriptures or listening to something and she describes such a warm feeling inside.  In her words "it's like I feel so happy, but I want to cry at the same time".  So many things I have learned from this child.  She has such a strong will, and at times that is difficult for me, but I know it will serve a greater purpose someday.

I know I've said this before, but she is beautiful.  Heavenly Father must have known I'm not very good at doing hair because he blessed me with a girl with gorgeous hair.  I'm glad I can get away with just combing it.  My Maren is a beauty inside and out!

I love this girl!  I am so lucky to be her momma!
Maren Year 7 from Marcy Johnson on Vimeo.

Music:  Just You by Amy Stroup and One Minute by The Album Leaf

Monday's Child is Fair of Face

I'm not exactly sure how I ended up with such incredibly beautiful kids.  I absolutely love making these videos of my kids.  The only downside (other than being way to particular about the music) is that I usually cry and cry.  These are times I will never get back and that's maybe why I like doing it so much, so I can remember what they were like when they were little.

My Jesse boy is one cool kid.  He is super smart and I can tell he will be more than ready for kindergarten in the fall.  He's really good with numbers and asks me math questions on a daily basis.  It usually starts with "what's 6 plus 6", when I give him the answer he wants to me add 12 plus 12 and so on.  I should really start keeping a calculator close by.  He's a good big brother and a good helper.  He is the reigning champion at "Uno" in our house.  He's going on a week now without sucking his thumb.  We gave him the option of giving away his blanket or putting the yucky stuff on.  He chose the yucky stuff and is doing really well.  I think he was embarrassed when he saw himself sucking his thumb in the movie, so that has helped.  He is very picky about his clothes and frequently asks when it will be laundry day so he can wear his favorites again.  It's cute to see him standing in the mirror checking out is outfit or styling his hair.

He really likes riding his bike, swinging (he learned how to pump last fall), he like Power Rangers, Beyblade, Ben 10, and Sonic.  It's hard to keep up with all the stuff that little boys are into these days.  He still makes us laugh, unfortunately most of his jokes these days have something with stinky diapers etc.  Sometimes it's hard not to laugh.  We love this kid and are so glad to have spent the last 5 years with him.  Happy Birthday Jesse!


Jesse Year 5 from Marcy Johnson on Vimeo.

Music by Alexandre Desplat on "Fantastic Mr. Fox".

First Day of Spring

It rained in the morning.  Although the boys and I were already out and about reading with Maren's class, I decided to forgo other errands because I hate getting in and out of the car when it is wet and windy.  Jesse and Miles are sick anyway.  I'm sure that Jesse went through and entire roll of toilet paper wiping and blowing his nose yesterday.  Finally I just gave him a plastic bag to carry around with him to prevent finding piles of tissues all over the house.  Jesse is keeping the bag of tissues to burn in our fire pit once it's a little warmer outside.

We stayed inside for most of the day.  When Maren got home from school it was the usual; snacks, homework, working on dinner.  Luckily we had a ton of leftovers so it was easy prep and clean up.  I love it when we finish dinner early so we can play for awhile before the whole bedtime process begins.  After making a cool matchbox car race track and practicing jump rope (using the banister as a third person) we decided it was nice enough to go outside.

The yard is in shambles and still looks like fall from all the leaves that fell after the snow began to accumulate.  I jump on the tramp for a bit with Maren and Miles (doing my best not to pee my pants), while Kirk and Jesse go for a spin on their bikes.  Finally I decide the kids are occupied enough that I can tackle the enormous lilac bush.  I'm sure it hasn't been pruned in years.

When Kirk and Jesse return from their ride, Kirk can't help but join me in my project.  The kids start to make a shelter out of all the cut branches but it's getting dark.  The lilac and the shelter will have to wait.

We don't want the evening to end, but it is however, the first day of Spring and there will be many more evenings ahead just like tonight.