Posted!

A lot has happened since my last post, which I'm sure anyone could have guessed. I'll get to the past couple months in regards to what has been going on with my health etc. eventually, but for now, I just wanted to update those still reading, about our next posting.

DH's course finishes at the end of August, and as suspected, we're moving shortly after. Our official posting date is September 28th, and we're headed to Shearwater, Nova Scotia. Yes, this was a complete surprise, and we were left in shock for days. The shock has finally worn off, and the excitement of something new is sinking in.

Today we got our first housing offer for a PMQ (military base housing). When we're given an offer, we have 72 hours to accept or deny it. If we deny, our name goes back on the list until another house can be offered. In the offer, the only information you're given is the square footage, rent price, number of storeys, rooms, and bathrooms, and any other important info such as garage, shed etc. Not much to go by, so you're essentially accepting or rejecting blindly. Not a good feeling, nor an easy thing to do.

As soon as DH sent me the email, I googled the street address on Google Maps (Thank goodness for Google!) Much to my surprise an image of the house came up right away!

My original thoughts were, "This is incredibly adorable!" then I went back & fourth about the slanted roof/walls/ceilings - I HATE those. Such a waste of space. I'm not overly picky, but that was enough for me to be saddened about the offer. DH and I both considered rejecting it. Without being able to see inside I didn't know how the slanted walls would affect the space. Base houses are small enough as it is without slanted walls! I decided to look over the paperwork again, and discovered that there is actually over 300 square feet MORE in this place than in our current house. I could work with that! Maybe..

Luckily I am already a part of a Shearwater wives group on Facebook, so I posted the address, and asked if anyone would be willing to go peak in the windows & snap photo's for me. Imagine my complete and utter surprise when I received a message from a lady living directly across the street, saying that she went over and discovered painters in the house that allowed her to GO INSIDE and take pictures for me!! Seriously though! What are the odds? She sent me about 20 photo's - I cannot thank this lady enough!! 

Here are the floor plans I was able to find on the base housing website - This house is pretty much exactly the same, with a few minor differences. See the SIZE of that living room? Yes please!

The front - 2 years after the photo above was taken for Google Maps

The driveway

The back/side. A porch! hurray! See those two trees on the left? Can anyone say hammock?!

The back - Nothing too fantastic, but nothing to complain about! 

Living room! See the beautiful french door? The separates the entrance at the front . On the other side is the front door, and closet. The entrance has ceramic tiles from what I could see!

More of the very large living room! Our current living room has some serious space issues. We barely have enough room for all of furniture, so this one is amazing!

Dining room!! So exciting! Our current house only has an eat-in kitchen, so I was beyond thrilled to see this! You can see a peak of the kitchen back there behind that pile of mess.

Kitchen! It's incredibly narrow, but look at those cupboards! Ours are currently made from what looks like scrap wood, and painted white. They are so horrible. I LOVE these ones. According to the floor plan, there should be a little breakfast bar behind the door. Loving the ceramic floors!

While the floor plan shows two full baths, there are actually one and a half. I assumed the full bath would be upstairs, however it's actually on the main floor. kind of weird.. but considering our first apartment had a half bath, and a standing shower in our laundry room, I can handle that! 

This is the half bath upstairs. Both bathrooms definitely need some perking up, but  it's an easy fix!

The upstairs hallway - This beautiful wood railing definitely beats our currently ugly half-wall!  The hallway also has a window to the left of the photo, and small space that I assume I can fill with something great - a possibly space for a reading nook?

I believe this is the room on the right at the front/side of the house, judging by the slanted ceilings. This will most likely be my studio.

This, I believe, is the same room as above (front). That large window above would be to the left on this angle. Not sure if you can see well enough or not, but behind the door is a little door to a half closet/cubby of some sort. I have no idea what it looks like inside at this point. 

This is the master bedroom. It's not huge, but it does look bigger than what we have now. Love the  window!!

Another view of the master bedroom. There is a second closet on the right (you can see the door at the edge of the photo)

This is the room at the back of the house - Most likely Little A's room. The only bedroom without slanted walls.

And that's it!! DH and I briefly discussed it on his lunch break, but I'm certain that we'll be accepting the offer!

Be Still My Soul..

I may not have had the chance to hold my baby the way I wanted to, here on earth, but I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have held my baby at all. For a very brief moment in my life, I had the chance to love someone, beyond compare without ever seeing their face, or knowing their name. I have had the chance to experience an unconditional love so powerful, that words can't even describe it.

While my heart does still ache for my babies, I know that they are in the arms of God; what better place to be?

This past Friday, I made my final trip to the funeral home. Filled with absolute dread, I didn't sleep the night before. I was incredibly antsy, and very emotional. I've never had to do this before; I didn't know what to expect, or how I would react emotionally at the time. I did prepare myself though, I knew this would be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. 

I woke up Friday morning, showered, put my face on, and did my hair. For some reason, and I certainly can't tell you why, I felt the need to look my best. Don't ask, because I honestly don't have an answer for you.. Put Little Miss in a pretty dress, and we were on our way. No turning back now, right?

Pulling into the long driveway of the funeral home, I felt anxious, and nervous. Much to even my surprise, I held my own. I had to catch my breath when I was handed the tiny urn though; I hadn't remembered just how tiny it really was. When you think about new babies, you think about tiny clothes, and tiny shoes; not tiny urns. It's a devastating thing to even think about. I was then handed a cremation certificate, which I was not expecting at all. Did I really need one more thing saying "Baby McNair"? I quickly put it into the velvet bag, I was given, without even looking at it.

When I got back to the car, my hands were shaking. I felt the need to open the envelope and look at the certificate. It wasn't an easy thing to read. I then took a peak at the urn sitting in the velvet bag, with "March 8, 2012 - Tiny footprints on our hearts" engraved on it, and at that very moment I felt at ease. I can't explain it, nor will I try. I suddenly felt calm & together. I took one last look at the beautiful Victorian funeral home, and felt relief. It was over. 

When we arrived home, I did let out a few tears when things finally sunk in, but I wasn't in pain anymore. This summer we intend to release the ashes at a place that we hold dear to us; Our baby is in heaven, there is no need for us to hold on to ashes.

Of course, my heart will always ache for my babies in heaven, but knowing they are with the Lord, eases that pain greatly. One day, I'll have the chance to meet them, give them names, and hold their hands. I can live with that..

I Will Carry You..

I can't put into words how bad my heart aching today. Just when I feel like I'm going to be okay, my emotions get the best of me, and I turn into a blubbering fool. Yesterday while driving home from doing the groceries, I had to pull over & stop the car. It's amazing what simple words in a song on the radio can do to a broken heart..


A friend sent me a link to this song today. Head in my hands, I cried for a good hour. My sweet princess came to my side and gently rubbed my shoulders while holding onto me. I honestly don't know where I'd be without that precious smile of hers.. She is my biggest reason to believe in miracles..

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says ...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Today I got the call from the Fertility Center 2 hours from home. While this is an answered prayer, I feel like the journey ahead of us will still be a hard one. Amidst everything, I still continue to pray for answers, hope, and strength..