🏆 ยอดนิยม: News Update - ประเด็นร้อน

two 28.12.08

2. My favourite number. Often, ever since I was a kid, it came up in my life in many forms. Most memorably, I always got number 2 in class during primary school, but some belas-belas throughout the entire batch or so.

What suddenly made me remember to say this was that I had 2 official relationships before. Official? Saje je nak cakap camtu, hehe. But the thought that suddenly came to me was that I never had a proper date, going out while in these 2 relationships. Why, they only happened in school! And they were only short-termed. Very short, really. My first proper date was with a guy I felt for, although nothing much happened, but nothing official really happened between us afterwards.

Funny world ^^

Then again, define "date" for me?? LoL ^^

inactive mode 25.12.08

I have been so inactive lately.

And apparently, although my wallet's not really thinning, I am sort of running out of money! With the MARA agreement about to end soon (one-year agreement), we are not going to get money for quite a while after this. :(

By the way, as it has been confirmed, congratulations to the four peeps who are confirmed to terbang! I love happy news ^^

Till then, I am sleepy. Jaa ne!

harapan 19.12.08

Ah...

Di mana aku telah lama hilang harap akan sesuatu, dan tidak mahukannya, dan tak pula mahu berusaha apa-apa lagi mengenainya. Aku tak dapat membayangkan pun aku boleh melakukannya kerana harapanku telah lama hilang berkenaan perkara ini.

Tapi tiba-tiba aku diletakkan harapan untuk melakukan perkara itu semula. Harapan yang boleh dikatakan agak tinggi daripada keluargaku, orang penting hidupku. Harapan untuk berusaha dahulu sebelum kemungkinan itu benar-benar hilang.

Aku tak suka ini. Kerana aku sudah hilang harapan untuk berusaha untuknya.

w00t ! - part 4 16.12.08

For these days, I will try to spend them learning and learning things, from music to languages to culinary to drawing. LoL. Apparently too lazy to learn what I am supposed to formally - that is, Malaysian Studies.

I really don't like it when I can't finish what I started before. e.g. Bought books some over 2 years ago that I still haven't finished reading today. Whattahoo! :P

Also, I decided that .our.sacred.lives. should now be my writings blog. That should stimulate me to update that blog more frequently. Oh, wait, it has always been a writings section. Well, kinda different now. Like Adib who writes moon and star stuff in his public blog ^^, I would probably be writing such literary things (I had always done that in primary school! uwah, lame dah) and post those in .our.sacred.lives. instead of this blog - they are still writings, fits the link http://ifyaniwritings.blogspot.com . Just, unlike before, no more of the story posts which I have (maybe) stopped for now. Let's say, from long writings before, it is now to short writings so one post need not to be related to another post.

Other than that, I'll be back. w00t ^^

what is wrong with you? 8.12.08

.so.what.is.wrong.with.you.?

Long entry of the wrongs of my mindset.

I have been surrounded, no, controlled by negative-minded thinking for as long as I could remember. For me, ever since I can think with my brain, these things are always manipulating my thoughts, turning every aspect of my life into worse.

That makes me the biggest weirdo for this case.

Let's see.

1997: My sister Id was in the same school as me. She had a different reputation than mine, more popular, funnier and talkative. Instead of me known as me, I was just Idyani's sister. I know, I was still a kid. For some reason I had to be involved with the people like Puan Zaiton and Carnjini and their issues, which I was not fond of. Around and around, when people I didn't know knew me, and they were laughing at me when they teased me, I felt like I actually did something wrong.

1998: Persatuan Bahasa Melayu. I was elected AJK. Thus I had responsibilities. A simple task to do decorations for the association, but I screwd up. People make mistakes. I can accept teguran (english?) but my mind kept on and told me what is wrong with you? I got number 1 in class that end of year, and needed to practise to the ceremony to receive the present I would get for it. I was sad since I couldn't play with my classmates in class for games like batu seremban, snap, snakes & ladder, old maid, happy family, uno stacko, monopoly etc, as I was always practising and out of class.

1999: I was always doing projects on my own. Thus every mistake I did, I got scolded and I cried on my own and complained to no one else. But I asked a lot of help from my family instead of my friends. Procrastination happened, because I always didn't know how to do my work and I was always afraid to ask anyone. When I had to, I always called my friend Aishah for help regarding school work when my family couldn't help. Sometimes I chose to have things in spares so that I wouldn't need to borrow anything from anyone at school in case a problem arose like I lost it etc. Sometimes also I chose to buy something just for the work although I wouldn't need to use it anymore after the work was done, rather than making an effort to ask help from friends who might know. The three best friends in my class. They always go everywhere together, laugh and talk and do everything together. I really wanted to be friends with them. I tried to hang out with them. My mind told me, you don't fit in, you never will. I even wrote a letter, hey guys, would you guys be friends with me? Of course, that only made situations more awkward. By end of the year, same thing always seemed to happen, even if I didn't receive any present in gifts ceremony. I wanted to play games with everyone after exams ended, but no one invited me, and I was too afraid to join on my own. So I chose to stay at my own seat instead, or walk around, or do nothing, or just watch them play.

2000: I love writing. Since I hardly ever talked to people at school, no one to talk to, I could only spend the extra time writing. They would sometimes come to me and ask if I was writing some novel. I hardly had confidence in talking to them, usually I only smiled back and just nodded. Sometimes the teacher looked at me before leaving the class and smiled at me, and my mind wondered if she was sympathising me for being alone when everyone else were making their own noise. She once asked me to find volunteers and follow her for a task, and that I couldn't even do, my mind was too afraid to simply ask out loud to the class. Imagine, me raising a hand to ask a question in class back in the days? No chance.

2001: Seniors to juniors again. Yet the same things never change. I spent my time during recess walking around, not eating. Not because I didn't want to eat. But I didn't have anyone to eat with. I knew I barely spoke 10 words a day. My mind told me, eat all by yourself and you look really lonely and even harder for people to talk to. Counseling room had me for the first visit and I cried. Nothing else became better. This year also Anisah came back from UK, my neighbour and friend from childhood. She and I always took turns (our family) to fetch us together from school everyday. A major difference was that she spoke a lot to her mom every time and I usually spoke none. She was cheerful, active and outspoken, somehow I always compared myself to her.

2002: I was chosen to become a prefect, to be under probation for two weeks. I didn't want to be, but too afraid to say "I wanna quit" not wanting to look like a fool. In the end everything I did was half-heartedly, thus not chosen as a prefect. I was laughed at for being such an easy-going pre-prefect, since I did it all without any confidence. Ice-skating trip for the class. People would have what you could call a clique to hang out together with for the trip. I was too scared for the trip, not because I can't skate; because I had no one to go with, be with, laugh with. The only thing I could enjoy was watching Korean dramas and Meteor Garden that were getting quite famous that year. Counselling had me again, group and individual. Group was simplified, just girls wanting to have positive outlook in school life. They all wrote me a message that I was too quiet, my voice was too slow and I should speak up more. I changed from group to individual since I didn't like other people looking at me when we did meetings, automated response in my brain would tell me they hated me. Individual actually turned out to be worse, it wasn't like I didn't try that before. More focus on one person could really take out more pain and in the end, I couldn't tell my problems at all. Just tears. And the counselor just advised to tell it out. Any problems kept inside are pain; she took a paper, peronyokkan and told me that the pain was just like the lines on the paper. Once the pain was made, it cannot be taken away.

2003: Desperate for a change in the environment. I needed to go where no one knew me and I could start to be a new person - I was determined to go to a boarding school the next year. PMR that year must be good. I had no doubt in myself for academics. Still I began to talk more. A classmate made a comment how surprising it was that I was more talkative that year. That was the best comment I had that year.

2004: Blamed the government for a while when I got no offer for MRSM when my friend who had 'a cable' had an offer when her result was not as good as mine. I got a second intake offer which gave me new hope. But life was transformed. 9 years not being able to make much friends in an all-girls environment, then, a mixed school? Shocked. Thus for 6 weeks I was quite on my own, quiet me, and miserable since mission not accomplished. Change was harder than I thought. But another intake girl came in, and somehow it made me more confident to speak around. She made good friends with me. God sent me help. A boy also offered a lot of help to me. It came out confusing, what true feelings and being thankful really were. In an attempt to be somebody new, I pretended to be someone I shouldn't have. I turned out to be too serious and some guy told me to change my ways. That year I knew there were still so much about myself I needed to learn. I was still someone afraid to approach friends much. I did, sometimes try to avoid meeting with people I wasn't familiar with, as my mind made me feel uncomfortable when I met with them; not as I didn't like them, in truth I feared them. I would plan to go to the ironing room to iron my uniform, and turn to return to my room if I saw there were some people that would make me uncomfortable if I go there then.

2005: This year I learnt about Midori no Hibi, possibly one of my earliest animes after Rurouni Kenshin. God sent me the brightest school year ever. Also turned out we all hated that school with controversial teachers, many students moved out that year. But the remaining, we lasted because we had each other. But I was still too naive when I left school, causing my own controversy. My mind told me every single teacher I had ever known had then changed their impression on me, good to bad, so as our Form 5 friends. I saw people laughing at me, staring at me, saying stuff to me. Thus I left school on the last SPM day, Biology paper, without a happy ending with my friends like it should have been. It also ended my relationship with another boy early December. I now realise, coincidentally, early Decembers are usually bad news for me these 3 years ever since.

2006: Bad ending at school made me hate school although I still thought 2005 was the best. Since then I had a month left at home, just waiting for Plkn to begin. I was surprised, really. As usual I had a hard time adjusting to new places especially making friends. This time, it was different. We were really friends in tears and joy. I couldn't believe anyone would really thought I was great much in the first place. Someone told me I was "pendiam tapi sewel" which I actually took as a compliment. I cried when I left the camp. There were still times when I felt forgotten. It would always be, since as my mind had automated itself ever since it could ever think well during my primary school days. But I can still re-set it, right?

2007: I began the year, searching for remedy. I sought counseling, again, not to tell out problems but so that I could get a link to solving my problems from there. Much to my dismay I was led into spilling my problems again, thus more pain. Yeah, I got a link. It led me to Klang Hospital that prescribed me antianxiety pills which were also antidepressants. No, I am still regarded sane. I hoped the best out of that but God knows how it felt. But it happened for a reason. I'd like to make the best out of my experience. I didn't want to see another person alone like I was, as everyone needed a companion. Before, I wanted a friend when no one wanted to be mine, at least I thought no one did. But I must say this can't be said the same for everyone. I guess I still made mistakes this year, so much that it troubled someone I cared about. However I will not leave someone alone when they need someone, that's for sure. Just that I have to know the time when I should let a person have a time of their own. This year people had trust in me, something I never imagined the 5 years previously.

2008: I still get that. Meeting old friends who asked me questions and wondered, why does it always take a while for you to answer? There always seemed to be a pause. I knew that. All the years, I concluded that my mind had always been too passive to directly answer people when they ask or talk to me that there will be something that comes in before my answer - fear of rejection. Fear of the person I am speaking to and their reaction to what I will say back. Fear of being panic about this fear itself, that leads to me stuttering, shaking or trembling and maybe even a nervous breakdown. In the end going back home, you think, maybe the safest place to be if I am always afraid of people. Well, it's not the same, but there's a certain fear of living in my own home too. And lately, I haven't been able to live up to their expectations like I used to, academically. Those flying rainbow colour days are probably gone.

Today: It came running back to me. My mind told me my colleagues didn't like me, maybe because of glaring eyes and monotonous voice and they don't talk to me much. People make mistakes, common sense. Why can't I put that sense into my head but it made me depressed instead? A sales promoter-cashier at a pharmacy who doesn't know things too well, made some mistakes, forgot some things, all leading to the brain telling the body to "what is wrong with me?!" and panic and do more mistakes and forget more things, till I don't even know how to speak English anymore. Sorry bout that, my fellow customers.

Spare me negative thoughts, maybe I wouldn't have been so timid all my life with ridiculous fears that I couldn't easily get rid of.

But now it is so surprising I have friends. A lot, really, a lot of things have changed now although certain things remain the same way. Yeah, weird you might say. But there was a time when I never imagined I would have even one. Now laughing along with one friend can really brighten up my most sour day even though it is just for that moment, it is priceless. So I am unimagineably thankful now. And sometimes I wouldn't mind spending some money for my friends.

Dakara, you see, tomodachi (friends) are really, really important to me. ^_^

.find.the.right..not.the.wrong..

Just sharing. So these days I am trying to be positive, if you've heard me giving such positive stuff.

wha? 5.12.08

Argh!!!

How many times already? "I want to go to monash tomorrow!" Assignments that should be done, I haven't even looked at yet. Let alone, to begin it. My current job that needs all the stuff like Maybank account to be opened, are being ignored for a while. The next day I woke up late, missed my breakfast, too late or energyless to get lunch, and had a bad mood. Then I would complain of hunger and a headache. And I see my other self yelling, DO YOU WISH TO GET A MIGRAINE AGAIN??? It is true; you begin your day with the simplest thing that sets your mood off, it just sets your mood off for the entire day if you refuse to change your moody thoughts on your own will. In fact it could go on for days to weeks. For me, I think this has gone on for about a week or so.

And then no way I could put up with that. I hate that. I hate such a life. So it is much better to be outside of the house even if I am out of energy - go and get some, after you get out. I like nature. I would want to meet up with some of my friends, so that they can alter my mood, as it seems like I am too stubborn to alter it on my own. Friends, companions, are that important to me. As I ignore that fact I am stuck in a world of my own, probably wanting to take all of my troubles to myself, which is what I am doing at the moment, though. I do meet up with people. But I think I tend to talk less these days, maybe. People would not notice anything. I still like to keep my smile on as it is the only thing that keeps my at ease. Still, I'd try to say a few things to make my mood better. Sometimes, at the end of the day, it still ends up the same way.

Going back to the room I'd always be pondering out, wondering. There's good and bad in being alone. I love it yet I hate it sometimes.

There Joey is one of the main things that can make me feel ok for a moment. But also, at the end of the day, it still ends up the same way.

resentment 2.12.08

Hate.

Ever since that day, I have been hating, for quite a while. Almost as if I could feel the fire burning inside of me. I wanted to splash water on you just like in the movies. Someone who is dear to me. For things I just could not accept. You know them yourself. And yes it eats me inside; kedo, shikata nai desu.

But when a "sorry" comes in, it changes things. The power of a word. Yes words are powerful, just like your previous words about me.

I don't know what I really feel anymore regarding my resentment. I can act like a volcano. I erupted, people may not know what I look like when I am mad, even I am unsure myself.

But these days I don't put fake smiles anymore. My smiles are honest. So do know, I am smiling from the bottom of my heart, and I am just trying to live my life. Resentful, cheerful, sad, tensed, blurred or sleepy etc, my smiles are really all I have that I know I have that can cheer the people around me and myself up.

I am not sure how to act around or what I feel regarding this. But my smiles, if you see them, you can bet, they are really for you and whoever that sees it. Have no doubt about that.

w00t ! - part 3 29.11.08

Wah, buat pertama kalinya aku bekerja hari ini! :P

Became a co-promoter, but a really blurred one. Aromatherapy products here in Sunpharma are really getting to me, actually, they smell nice! And I am betting people have no idea what Sunpharma is or where that shop is located. It is a pharmacy, just a small one that also has main spa and aromatherapy products, quite near Giant and Sen-Q. Even before I decided to walk-in here I never realised this shop existed :O

I liked being a cashier instead though I am kinda slow. Yeah, those days after SPM were spent not working, so goes for other free days. Only lately that I decided to, you have to work! It won't be so inconvenient, since some of my friends here are also working so I am not alone. In fact life has been somewhat better, as I can go around and get free food and discount in certain food shops where my friends work!

But of course, I still prefer playing my guitar :)

^^

Oh! COngrats to those who passed exams with high-flying colours of the rainbow! I don't know if I'll be seeing you guys in Malaysian studies anymore after this then, haha... aiyo, that reminds me, I still haven't started on the 2500-word assignment. I am too lazy to do it now... see you later, eh assignment? That can always wait, as assignments have always done so :P

I hope you guys haven't forgotten to say Alhamdulillah! Don't forget me once you guys get there huh? Don't forget God too! I know some of you have been wanting to get there so bad like, em, Nabil - though there is no chance at all that he would be reading this! There are reasons to why things happen the way they do, why I am staying and why you guys are going, and I have no doubt in my mind things will work out great both ways :D
I love my friends any ways! Well, I am still glad to stay here, and I found this place to be great enough some time ago. I won't forget you guys! Keep smiling! ^^

- my puppy eyes say: do my tag if you please! it's funny! the previous post! hehe -

Switchfoot - Only Hope = tag! 26.11.08

wakaka... this got me laughing quite a lot when I read it :P
here goes from sis Id:

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down NO MATTER HOW silly it sounds.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If someone says, "Is this okay?" ... you say?
- L'Arc-en-Ciel - Sayonara (tak ok la maksudnya tuh... marah terus, haha)

2. How would you describe yourself?
- Greenday - Wake Me Up When September Ends (I guess this means I sleep a lot??? wake me up next september!)

3. What do you like in a girl?
- Sonu Nigam - Kal Ho Naa Ho (hindustan woh... literally means tomorrow may never be, ape kaitan??? em, not necessarily that I like hindustan much, hahaha)

4. How do you feel today?
- Lifehouse - Blind (weeeeee... blinded by my guitar... inspired by lifehouse!!haha)

5.What is your life's purpose?
- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Love Seat (err... jangan pikir bukan-bukan ye)

6. What is your motto?
- Lifehouse - Who We Are (ahh, great, like totally fits! we are who we wanna be!!)

7. What do your friends think of you?
- The Click Five - Empty (LoL... like fits again...)

8. What do you think of your parents?
- jesse mcartney - Beautiful Soul (wahhh... so beautiful hehe)

9. What do you think about very often?
-Goo Goo Dolls - Big Machine (mesin apekah yang aku fikirkan???? mesti effect belajar subjek biotech nih)

10. What is 2 + 2?
-Third Eye Blind - Never Let You Go (oh... so desu ka? no wonder slalu fail math kat ausmat)

11. What do you think of your best friend?
-Chris Daughtry - Sorry (uiks... ape kaitan...)

12. What do you think of the person you like?
- Switchfoot & Jars of Clay - Let That Be Enough (I guess it might stick that way between us then if you say that's enough, aiyo (frust)... hahahaha)

13. What is your life story?
- Destinys Child - Say My Name (hah, quite true, people always have a hard time saying my name!! hahahaha)

14. What do you want to be when you grow up?
- Hootie and the Blowfish - Let Her Cry (dah besar, jangan asyik nanges je. dah2)

15. What do you think of when you see the person you like?
- Makino Yui - Madokashii Sekai no Ue de (translation something to do with world, something annoying, maybe.... does that mean, I think the person I like is worldly annoying?? hahahaha... itulah sengal, senget dan siput orangnye)

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?
- Flop Poppy - Cinta (hahahahaha......... saya cinta awak? begitukah?)

17. What will they play at your funeral?
- Green Day - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams (uih, cam ganas!)

18.What is your hobby/interest?
- Jesse McCartney - She's No You (takde kaitan... hahaha)

19. What is your biggest fear?
- Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me (WOAH! you nailed me! jauhi orang sedemikian, bahaya untuk perempuan)

20. What is your biggest secret?
- jesse mc cartney - just so you know (hm, maka hanya orang tertentu je yang bleh tahu, hahaha)

21. What do you think of your friends?
- Everclear - I Will Buy You a New Life (I wanna live the happiest life with you all! weeee!!)

22. What will you post this as?
- Switchfoot - Only Hope = tag!

maka, sesape yang mahu buat, buatlah... secara general, aku nak tag semua orang dalam blog aku dan sesape yang membacanya juga ^^

twinkle twinkle lil' star 25.11.08

Ha.. as I leave my room these days I wave goodbye to you, LoL. Joey! If I can, some time later I'll take a picture of ya. Too bad, I have no digital cameras. You look good enough though, that's for sure!

Hm, remember the crochet?

I am back to learning music theory, something learnt back when I was in primary school during those days when we used the recorder, although that was just basics. I remember the class with Puan Zaitun, my white recorder, and the class that was always blowing the recorder thus it was always full of recorder sounds every time it was music period. I also practised writing this a lot in my exercise book since to me it always seemed hard to draw:

There were tests, and several songs that I had to play with the recorder. Among all, I only remember Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (or was it that London Bridge song?) right now :P but I definitely enjoyed it. It seemed like I liked music since I was a kid :)

Lost all that for a long while, till the recent years of my life that these days I decided to take it up again, this time using a guitar, but simply as a hobby.

So, today Abah asked, nak start band ke ape, belajar gitar ni?

LoL. Not up to that point. The whole guitar thing has seemed to surprise quite some people around me, with all the money and effort that I am putting into it. But I really like it, and I am going to go for it. No matter what goes after this; whatever my results will be, however busy next year will be, whatever the people around me will be...

in the end my music won't disappoint me. May God give me faith always.

[Joey: Results = out Friday. Where's your worries, If?
If: Dunno. ]

So, dad, I hope I can write you a song one day. As I am also going back to my Japanese language learning these days, I hope I can be at least as knowledgeable in that language as you or Kakak (my eldest sis). So, a Japanese song like Yui's Life, maybe ^^

LoL - reminder to self. Don't dream too high/much. Work for it!

tag-a-thon

From Mr Wandie:

1. Each player of the game starts of with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.
2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 10 weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly.
3. At the end you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names.
4. NO TAGS BACK!

I think I hv done something like this in the past, hurm... tags really do this to us, make us repeat the same stuff... and I tend to be rajin enough to do them again ^^

1. I like learning Japanese. and I have mata sepet if you haven't noticed :P
2. I love music. it could affect my mood. I hate hiphop n more specifically, I love alternative and acoustics - guitar. recently I came to owning one ^^ I also like some classical music, like ones you hear on Nodame.
3. disorganised, especially my bed. Always doing work & most of everything on the bed
4. penah pegi plkn - the era where my life truly began to feel worth it. actually, here's where I first learnt how to wear a belt. oh, and poco-poco.
5. when it comes to english grammar, I notice errors quite on the spot :P not good in vocab though. but still, under Cathy's markings, quite a lot of my grammar is being marked down incorrect there -_-"
6. pemalas. not hygienic like sister Id. especially sidai kain, haha
7. close to being Parkinson-netic. always having tremor and shivering.
8. unlike most girls, I hardly use blankets when I sleep. only when I get sick, I guess...
9. Likes strategy games! Bob, Civilization IV punye expansion ade tak?
10.

Ouh, I can't tag people back. Haha. That only leaves...

Rahman yang macam bz je nak baca blog aku ni
Amir yang juge tak berapa nak baca blog aku
Rashdan yang takde blog selain photo blog
[Kak Zahi] Idyani yang dah pernah buat kot tag ni (similar, at least)
[Abang] Qiyam yang macam tak tau pun kewujudan blog adik iparnye ini

and I just ran out of people. Ah, I just don't know that many people, do I? LoL, dunno who else really reads my blog but hey, thanks people! ^^

----------------
Now playing: lifehouse - blind (acoustic)

tag from kapas again :) 24.11.08

Got tagged by Kapas.... otherwise usually known as Yumni. ^^

1. What’s the relationship of you and her/him?
A super cheerful enemy-type of friend! which means friends that would argue often

2. Your 5 impressions towards her/him?

1. cheerful
2. funny
3. talks-a-lot
4. friendly
5. smart

3. The most memorable things she/he have said to you.
"Fifi" since no one has ever called me this before -_-"

4. The most memorable things she/he had done for you
hmm... cant think of one right now...

5. If she/he becomes your lover, you will
that's HARAM, you know? and even if i am a guy, i am not rasyid!

6. If she/he becomes your enemy, you will
a joking enemy? i'll chase her all over town. a real enemy? slap 'em! hm, i seem to use physical attacks on my enemies

7. If she/he becomes your love, she/he has to improve on
her hit-people-a-lot thing, which some others may not be fond of but i tend to be amused by it! ^^

8. If she/he becomes your enemy, the reason is
fifying me?

9. The most desirable thing to do on him/her is?
hit, chase and run

10. The overall impression of him/her is
cheerful

11. How do you think the people around you feel about you?
nothing... ?_?

12. The character of you for yourself is?
helpful?

13. On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?
nervous in everything. even in trying to be helpful.

14. The most ideal person that you wanna be is?
the other "myself"

15. For the people who care about you and likes you, say something about them.
I love you guys, seriously :P

16. 10 people you tag:

Hm, I keep tagging the same people all over again. This tag has something to do with the names, so I'm putting the names down here, but not tagging them, coz already done that before (this tag kinda similar with my previous one). Even so, feel free to do it again! Or do the tag, if you haven't :D

Rahman
Idyani
Qiyam
Adib
Azuadi
Rasyid
Rashdan
Kid
Amiruddin
Wandie

17. Who is No. 2 having a relationship with?
Shah, who helped me get my guitar :)

18. No. 3 a male of female?
male

19. If No. 7 and No. 10 were together, would it be a good thing?
good...er, i mean, BAD! they don't even know each other and definitely straight guys... rashdan, jangan sesat! walaupun ko tak suke pempuan kat mmu tuh!

20. How about No.5 and No. 8?
LoL, they are straight also i believe and also don't know each other, i think

21. What is No. 1 studying about?
encik rahman is studying business... and we're both learning guitar! ^^

22. Is No. 4 single?
recently turned un-single

23. Say something about No. 6?
um, he's currently happy being with the person who tagged me with this? LoL ^^

a new boyfriend! 23.11.08

I got it! I got it! :D

Although I totally forgot today was Sunday and I didn't think a music store could be closed on such a day, I didn't let that thought let me down. One music store down, that cannot be it! Keep your hopes up! So although the trip to Pasar Seni was pretty much for nothing but just a long walk on a hot sunny day, from there Shah, a bass player, and Kak Zahi brought me to Bukit Bintang. Bentley Music store, thank you!

Although I am happy, I can't say I was totally cheered up; sorry sis, I know technology sucks! Her external hard disk drive was somehow broken, and the trip to Lowyat after Bentley didn't seem to solve it but just made her got in a bad mood. Damn HDD! My sis id here was walking with me before she was in a bad mood and making sure I wouldn't get lost in KL (everytime I walk with people, they always worry I get lost? Must be I am so small) and after she got in a bad mood, she walked ahead of us and left a puzzled boyfriend (Shah) at the back. Hmm. Things happen... and I couldn't do anything else about a broken hardware. I am thankful to them both for guiding me to the places I needed to go here, but it felt bad not being able to help them back.

For the guitar, I am glad to have it now. It is only the beginning. I love music. My guitar, my new boyfriend ^^

waiting for you 22.11.08

I am waiting for you...
I am coming for you...
I want a solid piece
with the best possible qualities
that lasts forever, hopefully

You
understand me so well
I could hear your voice as I close my eyes
I could not forget you
I could not let you go

You
will always be there for me
when I need you
when I am in sorrow
when I am happy
when I am rocking like crazy
when I have nothing better to do
when I am dead bored
when I wanna feel my soul

I will be here for you all my life!
Matte ne!
I am counting my seconds
I will work hard for you
I will not disappoint you
and I shall not waste you

not just another junk piece of wood
hey, hey, hey!

I wanna buy a steel-stringed guitar, soon!!!

----------------
Another great Lifehouse song... in its acoustic version which is awesome. Check Lifehouse out of their acoustic and live songs. Lifehouse on Carson Daily - Take me Away(Acoustic)

weeha part 3 18.11.08

Mak dan Kak Aqi kata aku pandai mengurut. Bila aku kata dengan mak, kenapa tak minta abah urut? Mak mencuka - abah urut bukan mengurut, abah buat memang lagi sakit tempat yang diurut kata mak. Di hospital hari tu, aku juga tolong urut belakang dengan kepala mak. Menurut mak, keesokan hari lepas aku mengurut, tempat aku urut akan rasa sakit. Haha. Petanda buruk atau pun baik? Entah lah.

Apa rasa urutan ku yang sebenarnya, aku tak tahu. Tapi bercakap mengenai urut-mengurut tadi dengan Sya dan Qeela, aku pula terfikir. Bila aku balik Seremban saja, selalunya Kak Aqi, kakak kedua aku, akan minta urut, tak pun mak. Yang aku tahu, jadi tukang urut memang cepat lenguh tanganku. Lagi-lagi bila urut tengkuk ke bahu orang. Aku ni siapa pula yang nak urut? Aih. Hari itu pernah la sekali, ada tren urutan, aku urut mak, Kak Aqi urut aku, macam cerita Sepet la lebih kurang (ke Gubra?). Minta semula kakak aku urut aku selalunya balas mereka, tak reti. Aku tak kira, nak mintak urut aku sikit-sikit cukup lah, tak kisah la reti ke tak. Ingat aku reti sangat? Aku bantai saja, tapi entah, kadang-kadang mereka akan minta lagi aku urut mereka. Kata abah, aku perlu kenakan charge lain kali, at least pun sekali urut lima ringgit untuk servis yang diberikan. Bagus juga idea ni.

Hahaha. Boleh lah berbangga juga jika aku memang ada skil ini. (tiada niat untuk menunjuk-nunjuk, ehem)

Tapi memang letihlah.

Ahshhshh, kini kelas wajib Malaysian Studies dah nak mula. Malas betul.

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Now playing: John Mayer - Why Georgia
via FoxyTunes

kid-hood 16.11.08

Being a kid is so fun, LoL.

Taman Rashidah Utama: an old neighbourhood. SO it's kinda hard to find kids in this area where I grew up in and still live in ever since I was born. This neighbourhood had a song to it sung by Awie back in the past decade coz Aida Aris used to be my neighbour when I was a kid! Sorta like that. So I am proud of this place although there isn't much around here.

I mean it's hard to find kids in the houses of the residents, except the houses near mine where they had been turned into hostels for the sekolah agama nearby. Ever since the sekolah agama was built around here, it isn't as lonely as it used to be, school kids making noises nearby! Pepagi buta menyanyi lagu entah pape. And as the school makes announcements or teachers call out for students, I could hear them. Like ustaz yelling at the boys to wake up for Subuh prayers back during Ramadhan.

"Bangun bangun! Sahur mau jemaah. Subuh tak mau pulak jemaah!"

Now my niece and nephew live here for the moment, Kak Ilya's children, making the home livelier. Safwan and Hannah's behaviour can be really out of place sometimes. It makes me wonder:

Wow, I used to be like that when I was a kid?

e.g. Hisap botol susu sampai berlubang puting? Tercabut terus?

I kinda thought so, coz I kinda remembered it happened. ^^

rasanya kena tag lagi - part II 15.11.08

The same tag apparently, but from a different person = Mr Wandie. So certain parts are just about the same.

Name five of life’s simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick 5 people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not use things that someone else has already used.

1. sound of music, esp guitar n violin
2. senyum dan kegembiraan
3. bunyi burung tatkala waktu yang tak panas
4. hujan
5. companionship

The person who tagged you is ?
Ahmad Izwandie Zahari aka wandie

Your relationship with her/him is ?
friend

Your five impressions of her/him ?
I'll skip this

The most memorable thing she/he had done for you ?
datang mcd kat seksyen 18 pada suatu tengahari

The most memorable thing she/her had ever said to you ?
skip this too

If she/he become your lover you will ?
cherish him.

If she/he become your lover, a thing she/he has to improve on will be ?
leave it up to him.

If she/he become your enemy, you will ?
kick him in da ass, the knee, the leg, the face, the stomach and splash with h2o.

If she/he become your enemy, the reason will be ?
hmm. for bringing up the past that i am trying to change.

The most desired thing you want to do for her/him now is ?
nothing

Your overall impression of her/him is ?
he's definitely got chemistry with people, some aura. thus blends in easily.

How do you think people around you feel about you ?
em.. more like feeling nothing...

The character you love of yourself is ?
wanna be helpful?

On the contrary, the character you hate of yourself is ?
becoming a pain in the ass when tryin to be helpful -_-"

The most ideal person you want to be is ?
the other "myself"

To people that care about and likes you, say something.
I love you guys, seriously :P

rasanya kena tag lagi

Aku rasa aku telah di-tag, entah kenapa agak tak pasti betul ke tak. ^^
daripada Adib..

Name five of life’s simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick 5 people to do the same. Try to be original and creative and not use things that someone else has already used.

1. sound of music, esp guitar n violin
2. senyum dan kegembiraan
3. bunyi burung di waktu yang tak panas
4. hujan
5. companionship

The person who tagged you is ?
Adib.. ape kah name penuh anda, moon star je yang tahu..

Your relationship with her/him is ?
kawan sejak 2006 kat kelas L9 sampai la kat Monash neh..

Your five impressions of her/him ?
funny, active, sengal, gamer, suke tido

The most memorable thing she/he had done for you ?
...tolong buatkan kuiz chem?

The most memorable thing she/her had ever said to you ?
hmm...kecek gapo?

If she/he become your lover you will ?
terkesima

If she/he become your lover, a thing she/he has to improve on will be ?
gentleman style.. wahahahah

If she/he become your enemy, you will ?
kick him in da ass

If she/he become your enemy, the reason will be ?
aum..terer chemistry? hahahah

The most desired thing you want to do for her/him now is ?
jalan-jalan cari makan

Your overall impression of her/him is ?
hardworking student.. :P

How do you think people around you feel about you ?
em.. more like feeling nothing...

The character you love of yourself is ?
wanna be helpful?

On the contrary, the character you hate of yourself is ?
becoming a pain in the ass when tryin to be helpful -_-"

The most ideal person you want to be is ?
the other "myself"

To people that care about and likes you, say something.
I love you guys, seriously :P

nak tag kah?

kak zahi lah.

awet muda 13.11.08

I know I am the last of four siblings. Still... this week alone, I have met several people who have asked or sort of said the following statements/questions to me during my period of stay with my mum, with her fellow colleagues and friends and relatives coming over to visit her at the hospital who have said the related stuff regarding me when they saw me (or even the nurses and doctors there):

"Darjah berapa dik?"

"Tingkatan berapa?"

"Nampak kecik je."

"Ingat tak habis sekolah lagi."

I only smiled. LoL. Again my mum would, on my behalf, reply for me,

"dia dah habis sekolah dah, masuk U sekarang, dah dua puluh dah pun."

And I looked on at the person's face. TERPERANJAT. LoL. Sengih sajalah, awet muda bak kata mak ^^

that's funny? 11.11.08

that's funny
as you talk to someone you know so well
30 seconds later
you realise that someone has gone away forever
whatever you wanted to say or do before
too late now, too late forever
and no, that's not even funny

as it happens right before your eyes
you wonder
how drastic or sudden can it be?
can you ever see it coming?

a single life
unexpectedly, though common sense
it can be taken away from you
in just a split second.

simplicity 9.11.08

Funny thought, using a credit card being cut/broken which ends up as Domyouji's shaving tool and also as a knife to cut leaves when he was left at a stranded island with Makino.

Seated at G7, pretty much in the middle of the cinema, I had a comfy view of Boys Over Flowers The Movie aka Hana Yori Dango The Movie, which I believe Sya did not know was the same two movies when I asked her to check out (buy) some tickets for me. Hehe :P
Nevermind that. G6 to the left of me, a group of people were kinda noisy and laughing so hard to the jokes of the movie, like, lor, rilek rilek lah gelak tu pun... G8 to the right of me, a group of people were seated a lot more quietly and actually speaking some lot of Japanese till I actually thought, hey, there's some Japanese here! Coz I really didn't hear them speak any other language till the movie ended, they have to be at least some Japanese-language students or something. Front and back, seemed neutral enough. There weren't so many people for the movie, it kinda gave the movie a comfy feeling in a way. It is a great show. I got reminded again; Makino Tsukushi the funny yet simple character is like an idol for me, or so.

By the way, back to Seremban. And back to KPJ. Spent a night there too, with mak there who isn't feeling so well. Well I remembered when I spent few days here earlier this year. Thing is, it feels better to stay in the KPJ hospital when I am not a patient but just a visitor who is spending a night. It's so damn cold though. When I was the patient back then, I knew how sickness felt miserable, especially when it originated from the head, the brain. Even death felt close. It made me get an insurance, like, finally. Then you knew how precious those healthy days were - and I definitely don't want to lose such healthy days again.

You held my hands before, mum.
Let me hold yours now.

10s and 5s 2.11.08

Finding time to complete the tag by Kak Zahi with the next exam in a couple of days. Is it just me or these several days of quite a long gap till our next exam paper have been rather, making me feel down instead of 'up'? And for me, it's not the exam that's making me feel that way. It has probably contributed to it, but it's not the main reason. I am not sure why. Left alone, even when others are nearby.

My Top 10 Most Favorite Food.
1) Mak's
2) french fries
3) McChicken
4) pisang goreng
5) Hello Panda biscuit choc
6) cola candy
7) that chewy candy brand... fruit ape tah... heh
8) kuih tepung pelita
9) 'ribbons', long and sour and liat. always found in monash uni shop ^^
10)char kuey tiaw. but recently avoiding it as it caused me to vomit in my migraine days.

10 Things I love To Do.
1) music
2) smile
3) computer - games, movie, drama [limitations set-up for migraine kids like me]
4) japanese - language, music
5) walk
6) write
7) read
8) play whatever
9) ponder
10) stare at people, things around and the environment - just thinking anything about them.

5 Things I Love To Do When I'm EMO.
1) music
2) think and ask guidance from Allah. whatever's happening probably happens for a reason He has already set for us.
3) walk, take some fresh air.
4) even better, run. perspire.
5)cry up, shower.

5 Types of Guys I Adore.
1) sengal, senget, siput, yeah, that kind of person, coz they make me smile.
2) talkative, sort of, at least talks more than i do.
3) un-fussy, simple.
4) non-ignorant, thoughtful.
5) doesnt just tell you what to do, but also listens.

5 Things I Love To Do When I'm HAPPY.
1) smile, laugh
2) treat people if i go out
3) music
4) go out, alone or with people
5) talk

5 Things I Wish To Happen.
1) go japan, live there. master the language.
2) have a guitar and learn to play it. then compose an acoustic song, for someone maybe.
3) save a troubled soul. how?
4) join a triathlon. or if that's too hard, just get more fit and healthy.
5) un-quieten myself.

5 Persons I Wish To Tag.
1) Yumni
2) Rasyid
3) Wandie
4) Adib
5) Azuadi
The job to tag is done, up to you if you would want to do this or not... can do it after exams if you like :)

peaking thru the exam week 26.10.08

I have been very stubborn and lazy and ignorant before. God, how I was sorry. Sorry, I was guilty for not taking care of myself.

After two nights of boiling body tmperature, days of stinging pain in the head and a rush to emergency room to KPJ Seremban for an agonising pain in the head I definitely don't want another repeat of my migraine attack. Getting to hospital in the middle of the night gets you nothing but ouch just another injection in the buttocks to kill off the pain. ANything that comes into the stomach is also rejected aka vomitted aka damn hurt. I think for a split second of lying there in the hospital bed at 2 am in the morning few nights ago it struck my head, rather than the migraine pain or death, could I have chosen death instead? Astaghfirullah, no, would that mean I would have rather killed myself than suffer that unbearable pain in my head that did not seem to stop since the previous several days?

I will sleep.
I will eat.
I will get around for fresh air.
I will jump out.
I will walk and walk.
I will sing.
I will talk.
I will smile more and more.
I will love pink even more like I never imagined I would.
I would treat all my friends for joyous eat-out.
I will do anything in within my power that doesn't have any bad significance..

just,

God, don't put me though that again.

I'm glad to be alive and normal.

Many thanks to abah, mak, sume kakak2 dan in-laws, Rahman, Qeela, Kak Masitah, Sya, Anis and everybody... really couldn't have gone through it without you all. :)

sengal nak mampos 17.10.08

aku tak paham orang malaysia. lagi-lagi orang melayu yang pemalas buat kerja.

bila mereka buat kerja, dan kerja tu tak dapat diorang selesaikan, tiba-tiba nak salahkan orang lain. di mana tadi aku menerima panggilan telefon di rumah aku kat seremban yang meminta nombor telefon ayah aku perihal pinjaman bank, aku tersalah bagi nombor. ok, salah aku la.

nombor yang telah aku bagi tu nombor orang cina. pemanggil dari bank AGROBANK tu orang melayu. setelah aku sedar aku dah tersalah bagi nombor, aku dapat panggilan kali kedua daripada perempuan melayu tu. aku salah, so I apologised. but damn, whattaheck? marah aku pulak? kata aku memain? hello, aku bukan nak lari la ok, aku bukan sengaja kasi nombor yang tak betul la ok and I was just the daughter of the person you were looking for so what the heck are you putting the blame on me for!

bengong. tau la ko buat keje. tapi nak selesaikan kerja yang tak selesai (dan maaflah terbantut sikit bila aku terbagi salah nombor) jangan la nak marah orang lain je. walaupun ko dah penat dan benda tu tak selesai lagi jangan nak salahkan atau marah orang yang tak kena-mengena. pehal? orang keje kat bank sume macam ni ke? sengal nak mampos.

dr lim! 15.10.08

I wanted to go and see you today, I really do.

But this morning I was struck with a killer pain at my brains again, sorta like 8 months ago that caused me to be sent to hospital. Masih groggy dan kepeningan sekarang. I will blame technology and myself for this reason: teknologi melalaikan aku, dan aku merelakan diri sendiri dilalaikan. I was too lazy to eat and I also fell asleep last night so I barely ate anything yesterday and I spent too much time staring at the comp. Comp - my fav source for me to study, using ebooks and notes in my external HDD, tho I already had so many real books. Studying with real books, as I came to know it, easily makes me sleepy compared to studying with the comp.

Damn~ pening seh.

cling and clatter 14.10.08

One step closer to the edge, then I'll jump off the cliff. I'm getting there, very closely. What is that about?

Let's just say it's about letting go. :)

By the way, nak promote. Jika anda menggunakan Mozilla Firefox, download lah plugin FoxyTunes. One of the best plugins out there. And I love this song, from Bleach soundtrack. Tho, I had never watched that anime -_-"

I have one worrying thing in mind: exams haven't even started, and I'm already thinking of what to do during those months after exams. Hu -_-"

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Now playing: Sen no Yoru wo Koete - aqua timez
via FoxyTunes

weeha part 2 8.10.08

I just got back from watching Eagle Eye. In some ways, I think there's some parts of it that are quite common with i, Robot; of robots to take control of the public in everything that they do, so to put an end to the insanity of the world caused by reckless acts of the humans. Hm, a thinking robot, that goes passing over its creator's orders to do what it thinks is right for humans to continue living in peace. Eagle Eye isn't really about such robots though, but the concept could be just similar. Ha, Shia Labeouf was in iRobot too, for a short moment. I first saw this guy acting in Even Stevens as Louis, which I like quite a lot and I like his character in it too. Moronic as Louis was, he's still a funny person who is also a good guy in some ways. I really wish I could've watched its last episode, which I never had the chance to (Leavin' Stevens) since I was in MRSM back then. Years have passed, and from that teenage character into an adult one, he's still a great actor; well, he is an adult now anyway.

Well, back to reality. Current music I am really into: acoustic songs from Lifehouse. Acoustic is just excellente. Gotta have more of such.

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Now playing: Lifehouse - Take Me Away (Acoustic)
via FoxyTunes

pencarian 28.9.08

Aku hidup dalam pencarian.

Kini aku berada di Kulim, di rumah kakakku dan menggunakan internet di sini buat pertama kalinya dengan celcom broadband. Di sini, salah satu perkara unik yang akan dihadapi hampir tiap kali aku melawat keluarga kakakku yang tinggal di rumah ini ialah keadaan tiap kali anak saudara lelaki aku dimarahi oleh ibunya dan merajuk. Bukan apa, ia kelakar; cakap orang tak mahu didengar, maka dia dimarahi dan akhirnya dia akan menangis, menjerit dengan kuat dan menghentak-hentak kaki tanpa mahu disentuh sesiapa. Kau akan tahu yang keadaan sudah kembali reda bila volume suaranya yang awal-awal kuat tadi makin perlahan dan dia akan buat hal lagi. Itulah selalunya keadaan di sini. Bayangkan keadaan kau begitu semasa kecil dulu masa berumur 3 - 4 tahun.

Jadi, aku akan pergi ke Arau, Perlis pula selepas ini. Di sana keadaannya lebih menarik, bertemu keluarga belah mak yang banyak telatah kelakar. Kebanyakan mereka juga sudah lanjut usia, yalah, mak pun bongsu dari 7 adik-beradik. Aku yang paling lama tak balik ke sana berbanding dengan orang lain dalam keluargaku sekarang, memandangkan aku ini "selalu sibuk". Ugh.

Tapi apa pun aku tetap gembira tiap kali balik ke sana. Adik-beradik mak ialah tukang masak terhandal sekali yang aku tahu seumur hidupku. Walaupun aku lah yang paling diam tiap kali berada dengan saudara mara, dan tidak seaktif yang lain, dan tak banyak nak membuat apa-apa kerana tak tahu melainkan diajar dan disuruh (takut buat salah), aku tetap suka berada di kampung ini. Buat suatu masa, aku akan berasa suka hati dan lupa segala perkara yang membelenggukan kepala otakku ini bila berada dengan mereka ramai-ramai. Kekosongan tetap dirasai kadang kala, mungkin sekali itu memang keadaan hidupku. Jika tiada kekosongan itu, aku mungkin selalu dan lebih banyak lagi bersuara dalam hidupku. Tidaklah aku kadang-kadang termenung tanpa sebab yang nyata. Dan aku juga mungkin mempunyai lebih banyak rakan. Dan sesiapa yang teman serumah denganku tidaklah pula berasa bosan mempunyai roommate seperti aku ni. Terbukti, sejak aku masih sekolah berasrama, aku memang jenis tak berapa rapat dengan rakan sebilik/serumah. Lebih kuranglah, kecuali di plkn sahaja. Di luar rumah, mungkin aku lebih aktif dengan orang lain. Lebih kurang di rumah di Seremban, aku bagaikan terlalu pasif. Di situ, sering handphone aku tinggalkan terabai, hinggakan habis bateri atau habis kredit pun tidak selalu ku kisah. Tunggulah bermulanya semula kelas (jika cuti duduk di rumah), baru hendak kisah apa yang berlaku dengannya. Maka boleh expect aku tidak reply jika sesiapa yang menghantar mesej. Aku rasa handphone itu memanglah penting untuk berhubung, tapi bagi aku tak payahlah hendak cari yang canggih sangat. Sebab aku tahu aku hanya akan excited dengan segala functions yang ada mula-mula sahaja, lepas itu, selalunya aku akan jarang gunakannya.

Jadi?

Aku masih mencari sesuatu. Aku tak begitu pasti apakah ia. Walaupun aku seharusnya bersyukur dengan apa yang sudah ada. Di dalam sifatku yang terlalu diam berada di rumah dan saudara, aku masih diterima. Walaupun aku tetap berasa kadangkala aku diketepikan, bagaikan aku hanya memainkan satu peranan yang kecil sahaja dalam keluargaku berbanding yang lain. Mungkin aku sendiri tidak berusaha untuk menjadi lebih berperanan.

Aku kira aku suka menolong orang. Cuma tak pula suka-suka mengoffernya kerana agak segan T_T. Untuk itu, dalam sesetengah perkara, aku dianggap terlalu baik. Tapi aku gemar pula bergurau dan membuat banyak belok kanan & kiri sebelum mahu menawarkan bantuan - mungkin aku mahu menentukan jika seseorang itu mahu menerima bantuan aku atau tidak. Mengapa mahu selalu tolong orang sebenarnya? Mungkin itu caranya aku menyumbat kekosongan aku, bagi akulah. Jadi adakah ia sesuatu yang tak patut, bagaikan Nakahara Misaki dalam Welcome to N.H.K.? Tapi bukan setiap perkara akan aku tolong. Aku mencari sesuatu yang unik dalam setiap pertolongan yang aku berikan, tidak bermakna aku mengharapkan balasan. Dari sesuatu yang aku mungkin dapat dari itu, ia memberi aku kepuasan, kegembiraan. Dan seboleh-bolehnya aku mengelak mengatakan apa-apa atau merungut dalam memberi pertolongan itu walaupun ia sukar. Tapi aku manusia, tak dapatlah menjadi begitu sempurna. Teringatkan lagu Sempurna: bagaikan tidak suka lagu itu untuk liriknya, tapi menyukainya untuk musiknya sahaja kerana gitarnya. Tiada apa yang sempurna zaman kini selain Tuhan sendiri, dan bagiku mengatakan seseorang itu sempurna adalah mengarut walaupun itu hanya lagu untuk seorang kekasih. Haha, memang aku sendiri rasa pelik dengan pendapatku ini. Lagu Kamek Sayang Kitak itu sendiri lagi bagus.

Aku juga berharap dapat berkongsi apa-apa dalam hidupku ini yang dapat menggembirakan seseorang kerana dengan berbuat itu sendiri aku akan gembira. Walau sekecil mana pun perkara itu asalkan dapat memberikannya kegembiraan walaupun sementara. Walaupun aku tak dapat define dengan pasti apakah itu kegembiraan itu sendiri dalam hidupku, bagiku. There is no such thing as eternal happiness for me, unless when you go to heaven, someday. Selepas tiap kegembiraan akan ada suatu masa yang membuatkan kita down. Jadi, walaupun dapat memberi kegembiraan walaupun sekejap kepadanya, aku sudah sedia gembira, walaupun aku tahu ia tidak berkekalan. Dan walaupun pada masa down, aku tetap akan bersamanya jika diperlukan dan tidak mengganggunya jika diminta, aku faham akan masa yang diperlukan untuk berseorangan. Pergilah buat benda lain buat sementara. Dan bila tiba masanya aku harap dapat membuatnya ketawa lagi, kegembiraannya saja sudah cukup. Walaupun aku mungkin tidak akan dapat menyelesaikan masalah sesiapa dengan hanya berada dalam hidup mereka, aku harap aku akan tetap dapat membawa suatu perubahan yang lebih baik walau sekecil mana pun. Aku mencari, untuk aku berikan kegembiraan walaupun untuk 2 saat (and hence) dapat membuatkan aku gembira juga. Skil yang aku suka mengenai seseorang hanyalah secara utamanya, able to talk and listen to others. Walaupun yang aku kira selama ini, orang yang aku suka ialah orang yang senget semuanya. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing, though. Aku sendiri senget orangnya, cuma tak diketahui saja. Itulah yang unik mengenainya. Aku boleh membuat kesimpulan di sini bahawa aku suka orang yang senget, not literally.

Dan dalam waktu down yang sering melanda ni, musik lah antara sahabat terbaik. Genre utama kegemaran aku ialah rock, dan itu pun bergantung juga. Aku lebih kepada alternative rock atau adult alternative. Sesuatu yang rancak, lively dan memberi inspirasi atau semangat. Tapi certain rock yang agak berat aku tak suka seperti Korn atau Limp Bizkit, walaupun aku suka juga Muse (beratkah?). Dan aku tidak gemar hip-hop sekarang atau R&B atau sama adik-beradik dengannya, kecuali sesetengah lagu sahaja. Aku dengar semula lagu-lagu klasik zaman dahulu... bukanlah begitu lama, sebenarnya. Zaman lagu 90'an adalah yang terbaik, bagi akulah terutama untuk Malaysia. Dari KRU ke Ukay's ke Umbrella ke BSB ke Aerosmith ke Bryan Adams ke Richard Marx, kebanyakannya aku suka, tak kiralah kapak, gergaji atau pop. Zaman sekarang ini aku jarang pula dengar radio, tetap ada yang best, cuma sumber musik aku ialah internet - google, top charts, limewire, torrents etc. Tak pun lagu-lagu instrumental atau orchestra seperti soundtrack dari anime atau drama Jepun.

Heh, dan aku sangat suka lagu old school Janji Tinggal Janji ini.

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Now playing: KRU - Janji Tinggal Janji
via FoxyTunes

unforsaken memory - part 1 22.9.08

Whoa. As I went back home last Thursday all till Sunday, I found one of my most worthless yet most precious belongings. Worthless, when I look at it with lots of dust and how it looks so simplistic, as if there is nothing important in it. Precious, when open it up and there's so many inside of this thing that I worked hard upon, although it was a strange effort that never really met its end.

Here I found my chocolate-coloured book about 400 pages thick, but I managed to write some lot of about 300 pages in it, basically not using much of anything but a pencil. 300, ya know! It was my national service diary that I began working on 17th April 2006, at which that time I kept telling myself I would write everything I could remember about what I had been through in those 3 months at Kem Seri Perkasa Mantin, Negeri Sembilan, from the simplest matter of what we laughed about in the dorm of about 30 girls late at night before being yelled at to go to sleep up until the detail of every competition that we all entered together. I never finished this writing, then I felt like banging my head against the wall for not being able to do so and finish what I started like I wanted to. I wanted to write every detail I could, coz I really didn't want to forget anything that ever happened there that I shared with those I got to know there.

Opening up pages randomly, already I found something amusing. Something about KJ (Ketua Jurulatih). After Isyak done at the surau (jemaah), we all had to go the hall, listening to the KJ membebel and marah2. We all would sleep in this assembly rather than listen to him. Rather also, I always sleep from the moment he began talking till suddenly I heard the plastic chairs around began moving - KJ had already yelled out his nightly instruction to line up according to your company (group) in 10 seconds. Then I found myself, lining up slowly, till everything was silent, just waiting for KJ to release us to bed. What was amusing here was that maybe twice or so, I fell asleep standing while lining up here at such a time. Yeah! Every 5 seconds we managed to sleep was beautiful. Even for me who slept standing only to wake up being laughed at by other girls around me.

Hah, KJ had a close resemblance to Nabil Fikri in looks and behaviour which I suddenly thought about! No hard feelings. :D

Yo - bad sunburn, sneaked to take pictures in the Kenegaraan class during riadah, the class activities of Kenegaraan were similar to BTN modules.

National service had a deep meaning; I won't ever regret, it taught me things I won't ever forget. Sad stuff often turned to happy thoughts when I remember it, the silliness and patheticness. Lets ya forget bout the truly unmanageable bakarashi problems being tagged to ya in your present life now! Hey, just to name one: poco-poco. Haha~ silly yet it turned out to be fun.

In the future I'll be reminiscing about it again. Hear my plkn blabbing. :D

scream in anger

There was a guy in school that became the talk of everybody in the beginning of 2005, er, rather to say, not that there was a guy, he's still out there somewhere. In UTM, I think. But sure I'm not too sure what he's up to now, just pretty much like how it goes for most of everybody else that I haven't been in contact with these days - school, national service, matriculation or even ausmat. Even if some of these people have significant meaning in my life, like those people in national service I was close with (even if I only got to know them for less than 3 months) and those nice people from Ausmat. As time goes by, I always sorta lose contact with them all if they are not a part of my present life. Not actually lost contact, just that I hardly ever talk to them much anymore. I am simply not good in trying to keep the connection running with those who are far from me. This can be different in the case for long-distance relationships which I know some people out there do not believe in and say they do not work; but for me, I believe in it. For me, if both parties can tolerate well with each other, not taking it for granted and do the right thing to keep in contact without losing that feel they have for each other, it will last.

Ah, back to the there was a guy thing. He was my classmate back in 2005, whose name is Uways. Quite well known as he first came around, stories about him flew around school everywhere. I wouldn't tell any of it, not that I know if those stories were even true. Besides, a thing of someone's past should be left behind if he wishes not to carry it forward with him. When many left that school that year for a better one to go through their last year of school and SPM, this guy transferred here to nothing-much-MRSM-Batu Pahat, from MRSM Langkawi. Hm~

So I find myself updating my blog links these days and I got reminded of his blog that I found maybe over a year ago that influenced me to get me my own blog outside of Friendster. Such a persuasion! Don't get me wrong, Friendster's all right but it didn't seem enough for me (it has grown a lot these days, how cool). I found his blog interesting to read, even if he said his writing sucks (which I do not agree) - but yeah, agreeably, he sounds a lot better speaking. This was like speaker of the tournament for English debates whenever he took part. Somehow it felt sorta proud to be in the same team as he was, even though I was only a reserve who didn't do much. He might be considered one of those problematic people in school, always seeming to be the reason Miss Ida to go screaming in anger that eventually troubled the whole class, but looking at another perspective, I found him to be just okay and not that bad; I mean, not as troublesome as he was spoken to be. I should say, one of a kind. One thing that resulted from all of his actions: 5 Begonia became quite popular in 2005 among teachers. Popular if I were to put it - notorious, if some others would. It was great to be in that class, sometimes when considering all the funny acts that this guy and his fellow gang members put up with other peeps in class. I remember my then-roommate Hawa too were always screaming in anger because of what these guys had always done to her, like taking her stuff away and hiding them at at unknown or unreachable place. Hm, the cause-of-girls-to-scream-in-anger boys.

The interest to put his blog link up kinda went down in the drain, though. Not that the link vanished or anything, just the author is the one missing. I just put it up anyway. The blog has not been updated in a long while, probably since I last read it over a year ago. Disappointed, I guess. So some bloggers should know that some people could be reading their blog and should not quit (uh-oh, Rasyid dah sambung blogging, haha). Not that Uways officially quit, he just disappeared. If he would post, it'd be interesting for me to read again, even if it's just me who likes his blog posts. Not sure if I am too keen in the tech stuff he had written about, but still, there can be stuff I can learn from this mysterious fella, relating to my own life. There's always something you can learn from someone, no matter what kind of person he/she is.
:)

another tag................... 21.9.08

Always getting tagged these days. Huhu. I am mostly lazy to tag people and sometimes lazy to answer the tag. Nevertheless, here it goes, from Id.

State 15 weird things/ habits/ little known facts about yourself :

1. Quiet. especially when first knowing me.

2. At other times, depending on the topic or timing or situation or people, I can talk a lot more than one could expect.

3. Likes learning Japanese, loves Japanese music and wants to migrate there someday :D

4. boleh makan banyak pada suatu certain masa.. tambah nasi! ratah lauk!

5. tak suka kebab.

6. Loves McCHicken, and when i order by the set, it always comes with LARGE size, the small one is never enough even though I am small. OK, what's the deal always talking about food??

7. SLeep a lot, abah & mak slalu ucap good morning bila masa sememangnya dah bukan morning. leads to being nocturnal

8. Nak cari komik panjang doremon ttg nobita & doremon tuka jadi batu.. adeh, penah baca time kecik2, nak carik balik

9. Disorganised, especially my bed. Always doing work & most of everything on the bed

10. Music is a HUGE part of ma life. it could affect my mood. instrumental music & certain classics r great too :D

11. Penah pegi plkn - the era where my life truly began to feel worth it.

12. Likes strategy games. Jom bina empayar!

13. loves english grammar. notices errors quite on the spot :P not good in vocab.

14. pemalas. not hygienic like sister Id.

15. close to being Parkinson-netic. always having tremor and shivering.

I am sure there are more weird things bout me, just that I don't remember everything right now. =P

and malas to tag! Please do, if you want. :)

tag-ga-weela from yumyum 19.9.08

Sorry this came in late. Haven't gone online for a while. Here goes weelaaa

THE SELF
[01] Real name: Ifyani Hazirah Mohammad
[02] Nickname: If, If and only If, Iffy, Fifi (haiyo, yumyum was the 1st person to call me this), Adique :D
[03] Married: No
[04] Zodiac Sign: Cancer
[05] Gender: Female
[06] Age: 20
[07] High School: Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Puteri, MRSM Batu Pahat
[08] College: INTEChnology
[09] Height: yeay... I'm pendek... :D
[10] Weight: not in BMI... dah la pendek, kecik plak tuh, ade orang penah tanye aku darjah brape =O
[11] Do you like yourself: love & hate, both for their own reasons.
[12] Piercings: two, each on each ear... lame tak pakai subang, cam dah tertutup je
[13] Right or left: both
[14] Are you a freak :half way there... :D
[15] Hair: hitam dan panjang
[16] Skin: getting darker now :|
[17] Allergic: dunno, allergic to people maybe? :D
[18] What are you doing now: online, and keep playing solitaire of all versions
[19] What will you doing 1 hour later: sleep
[20] What will you doing 10 years later: working and maybe be involved in voluntary work! :D

THE FAMILY
[21] Live with mother/father/parents: 1 with parents and sis & her bro-in-law, another with housemates that i consider unlucky to be in the same house as me
[22] Siblings(included you): 4
[23] Eldest: of course not. last... weee
[24] Youngest: last kan... always underrestimated :|
[25] Love/hate your family: love, simply put :)

THE LOVE
[26] You found your another half: sorta, and lost it... so takdelah ni :D
[27] If yes, who is he/she: whoottahoo?
[28] If no, who you want he/she to be: - w00ttahoo?
[29] Time(s) you in relationship: 2, after all i've done i guess i deserve what i get
[30] Ever woo boy/girl(0-100000): sorta... =O
[31] Anyone woo you before(0-100000): sorta everyday once ya walk out of monash all the way to sunway hostel...aiyoh
[32] Did anything wrong to your other half: countless
[33] What was/were the wrong you had done: em, too many to say. penyibuk, perasan, penyedih, sengal etc...
[34] Ever argue with your other half: so many times, tho bukan separuh la... i'm 1 in 1 :)
[35] You with your other half since: w00t, never did i guess
[36] Are you straight/Lesbo: straight
[37] Reasons you love your other half: characteristics, they were never a mistake
[38] You and your other half in which stage: wrestling RAW stage.. lalala
[39] You woo he/she or he/she woo you: hate this word woo?
[40] Ever think of marry he/she: will i marry lah?? dun think so ngengengeng

THE FRIENDS
[41] Your first best friend: me, myself and I
[42] Your first enemy: true enemy lies within ya... :D other than that, it's a girl i knew last year. :PP
[43] The friends you love the most: sume orang equal :D
[44] The enemy you hate the most(1only): the girl lah!
[45] Your most beautiful girl friend: w00t, hito-san
[46] Your most handsome boy friend: joey-san
[47] The kind of girl you hate the most: nothing in particular... bila dah ter-taksuka tu, itu je la...
[48] The kind of boy you hate the most: like guys wooing from side of the streets *dush dush baling botol*
[49] You fall in love with your close friend before: yup...
[50] Your best friend is your ex-lover: hm... do I have a best fren?
[51] If your friend backstabbing you: ignore em, maybe
[52] If your friend betray you: ignore em, if u keep doing that get the hell out of my life
[53] If your friend woo your lover: technically, i have no lover
[54] If your friends fall in love with you: that.............. depends :)
[55] If you fall in love with your best friend: w00t... complex zone~~

THE STUDIES
[56] Are you a good student: was a good student... gulps
[57] You always done your homeworks/assignments: at the very last minute, yeah
[58] The teacher/tutor you love the most: the garang giler but rocks teachers in Puteri e.g. Miss Kok, Pn Zaikiah
[59] Always late to school/college: sorta... w00t
[60] Your class: which?
[61] You love your seniors: good, nice people... love? ehumhum
[62] Senior who you love the most: senior upperclassman Kuno of Ranma 1/2.. basically, sombong person like me have no answer to this
[63] Your classmates good/bad: good, bad and scary, in varying aspects
[64] Excellent result classmate: ikhlas belajar kerana Allah... weee
[65] Laziest classmate: classmate? more like, ME, w00t

THE PEOPLE
[66] Smart people: sume orang pandai... :D
[67] Stupid people: baka question....
[68] Good looking people: people who can smile and laugh.
[69] Ugly people: those with bad thoughts n too selfish
[70] Funny people: sume org kelakar des...
[71] Cute people: aku? hahaha
[72] Bad people: bad thought etc...
[73] Honest people: almost extinct? nah, some where there u r
[74] Acting people: life's a drama?
[75] You are what kind of people: weirdo

THE PREFER
[76] Lip or eyes: eyes
[77] Hugs or kisses: hugs
[78] Shorter or taller: depends on d person :D
[79] hesitant or spontaneous: spontaneous
[80] Nice stomach or nice arms: eh?
[81] Listener or talker: any, depends
[82] Romantic or rich: none of the above? w00t
[83] Good husband or Good Father: hu?

THE FUTURE
[84] Age to get marry: hu?
[85] Numbers of kid(s): hu?
[86] Career: some person stuck in the lab most of the time
[87] Salary: ????
[88] Retirement age: ???????????????
[89] Properties value: haa????????????????
[90] Wishes: smile anyway :)

THE VICTIMS
aaa... malas, as usual.
Go for ma sis Id, though :)
*updated* dan juga untuk amir sengal!

w00t ! - part 2 11.9.08

w00t: an interjection that could mean hooray or anything that expresses joy (Wikipedia 2008). But I would use it for pretty much any occasion spontaneously, even if it's a shockingly sad thing etc.

Aaa, whattahoo?

I woke up extremely late today coz (again) I could not sleep until after sahur last night, and missed most of my classes. And I was just getting excited to attend my classes from this week on, em, kinda with exception of BTH... why do I prefer to go to Ben Li's lectures only I wonder? =P

And wee! Haven't played frisbee in a while. Here, why do I prefer running around to cause obstruction to opponents from catching their piring terbang and not really after the piring terbang on my own instead? ...which is basically why I don't really call out for my teammates' names much. Hmmmm

Em... I am really trying to make the uncomfortableness become less and less with this one person, so that we can start from scratch again. I really wanna be happy in all that I do, you know. And that would include me having to minimise all the unnecessary weird things or feelings that have arisen before. You know who you are. :)

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Now playing: Gorillaz - Hong Kong
via FoxyTunes

weeha part 1

What is the deal with the parts?? A new way of writing my posts, I guess :P

Today is the 3rd day in a row. I've been feeling great all the way after what seems like the longest, miserable time.

It came out of the green (???), no explanation how. A new spirit is here! Few to thank for:

Allah, music... this includes Al-Quran (really music to your ears), Jason Mraz, John Mayer, Aqua Times, japanese songs & soundtracks... home, friends, minna-san.

Arigato, and alhamdulillah :D

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Now playing: Goo Goo Dolls - Slide
via FoxyTunes

w00t ! - part 1 5.9.08

w00t is apparently an internet slang. I first used it without knowing where it came from other than from my own brain. Hmm

One Thursday, I woke up and realised how I was falling apart. Not that I didn't know that earlier, just that the realisation only came in more clear that day, the day I planned to go home, first time back home this semester. To realise something but never really did anything about it to improve = terrible, awful, bad, all synonyms go.

So then, that evening it rained again. Rain, always had been giving me wonderful feeling of serenity. The rain understands, as Allah does, they could be my tears no longer able to come out, that keep falling since the past few weeks. The bad side of it was that it wet my bag and clothes, regardless of using an umbrella. Funny, I used to rebel against the use of umbrella for the lecehness, yet here you go, I love my umbrella.

So then my sister was facing something terrible in the train back to Seremban. Suffocation - as I see it, I remember what it felt like for me before. But there was nothing I could do much for her, pathetical of me. In a packed train like that, anything can happen - you see all kinds of people, all kinds of attitude with all sorts of face. Basically going into a commuter train is a good place to start with to see how life is for people out there, in general. Pushing and pushing to get in is not a new thing. Some people can really talk too loudly, it was bothering - wish I could get a masking tape on their mouth.

Great welcome at home by the cats, apparently one of them peed again near the 1st-floor tv. As mak puts it, if we were ever to have a plasma tv or any of that sort, put it on the 2nd floor - or else the cats would pee near there too. Later I find myself wiping the are of urine off, that tv had been affected so many times no wonder the people in this household had been experiencing electric shocks when clicking the buttons manually on the tv to change channels. And I used some lime too in the end, wiping the area off, with mak taking the lime from the backyard and cutting it into pieces for me like a bomoh as she put it; so the tv smelled like a mixture of cat urine and lime. Whattahoo? Hmm. Why lime? Coz I heard cats hate citrus. SO after this, hopefully they won't pee there again. Ya poor Sony tv (existed for over a decade now). Not in a good condition like the 2nd-floor Hitachi tv.

Can't seem to keep in mind what day it is. False, confusing thoughts. Thinking yesterday was last week and this morning seemed like the morning three days ago. Who I spent time with or what they/we talked about. When I last slept or for how long. Not knowing whether I dreamt about something or it really happened. What and when I last ate. Where the places I went to and what I was doing there and for how long. Simply...what I did today or the days before - or when was the last time I did a certain thing. Or did I even do anything today or even this week itself?

Hu?

of you and me 23.8.08

Time could change a lot of things for us.
In the past 2 years alone, I have dealt with more things I never thought I would've gone through in my previous years of living.
Nothing in my course of life had ever taught me so much.
All the joy that I got being with him.
All the troubles and misunderstandings between us.
Time too, is putting us farther apart.
I probably know where it went wrong, I probably don't.
Although I keep trying
even if it doesn't get me anywhere
I think I will be fine.
Whether they were good or bad stuff
I don't think I'll be able to erase it from my memories
all my life.
Apart from the ridiculous things I've done
there are no regrets of whatever happened between us.
No regrets in knowing him.
Even if things go forgotten
I will never ever forget him.
Not a chance.

solitude 16.8.08

It's a world full of questions, especially the word why.

So there was a girl. It ain't no other girl, it was a girl I perfectly know, someone I knew too well. The strange thing about her was that she was always quiet. A bit too quiet, maybe, that it seemed quite scary for the people living around her. The fact that she was too quiet and keeping things all to herself were also the reasons why she was always alone.

The girl asked herself, "Why do people keep themselves away from me?" In other words, she had always been wondering, Why am I always alone?

Solitude. The state of being alone.

It was April 1997. She went around school when there was nothing to do, wondering where to go, all on her own. When she did have something to do, it was either listening to the teacher babble in class in front, her studying on her own or simply writing whatever to kill off her time. If she wasn't walking around on her own during recess time, she would be pondering off things or maybe looking at other people and what they were doing.

She wouldn't eat if she would be eating on her own, it felt scary; as if the people around would be laughing at her if she was only eating on her own without any company. She wouldn't sit in places with too many people around, it felt scary; she had always been used to being alone that being with too many people was a frightening thought. She wouldn't join her classmates when they were laughing and talking about stupid stuff, it felt scary; a strange thought that they all might hate her usually prevented her from ever trying to get along with anyone, it was better to just look at them from far. She would rather stay out and away rather than sticking around just to be a piece of useless wood; even though she wanted to stay and dig up a conversation. Yeah, when she tried to stick around and speak up, it was always the same as if she had not been there at all in the first place - ignored and shut away, it was something she was already used to deal with.

She would be smiling along from far as she looked at them having fun. She would be pleased to talk to them if they were to feel good to have her along with them. She would be happy if they asked her to go to places together with her, she felt appreciated - not ignored.

Home. What is home for her? Is it a safe place to run away to everytime she felt miserable because of the so-called friendly society?

Mak, abah, she called. She remembered when she was just too small to remember how old she really was, abah had always been carrying her off his back, carrying her down in their home from upper floor to the first floor, maybe everytime it was dinner time. And she felt happy everytime that happened. And dad would always be teaching her how to say 'Good night' in Japanese, as she remembered peeking out from her bedroom window every night when she was a kid, looking over to abah who was also peeking from his bedroom door, saying to her, "Oyasumi!" with a grin. Then... mak? Good, memorable things must have been shared with mak as well, even other things with abah, only she probably did not remember much about them.

Then why, as she was growing up, such things faded? And even so, all the while she was growing up, why was it that she still could not have better, speakable moments at home? Home was a safe, peaceful place to be, to stay away from freaking bad-mouthed or insensitive people who could talk but couldn't think. But she didn't necessarily talk more even being away from people her age at the place she had been living in since the past two decades of her life.

Ultimately she kept asking herself, why have I always been so quiet? Ever since she knew she was a living human being. At school or at home, indoors or outdoors.

The frequent questions came in. The cynical smiles. The annoying grins. The moronic stares. The trashy attitude. All because of quietness and solitude. Why is she always on her own? Why is she always so quiet? Doesn't she feel lonely being all by herself? Are all these, the pity that came in from society and the sympathy they put on us for being what we are, just because we don't talk as much or be with everyone else as much?

So came in her anger; she hated being pitied just because she was always on her own. Thus came in this conclusion: if you see someone always being all on his/her own, ask no questions. They do not need your damn pity.

Being alone or quiet, is seemingly a not-so-normal thing; it always annoys the society so much, apparently, they can't keep quiet about it or leave us alone, is it so?

She got used to it. Being in a world of her own. A so-called comfy zone in solitude. Nobody else to worry about, nothing else to get mad at, no one to make her sad. If anything, it's just her; anything good, it must be from Him, anything bad, it only came from her own actions.

Although it was probably a fake world without happiness, sometimes it brings peace. That is why people need to be alone when they don't wanna be disturbed. Still, I know this too well, too much can be harmful for the state of mind. It's just that some people are already used to it - it's a part of our life, people like us. Freakish weirdos of complex, non-talkative and secretive introverted bakas. For me, I learn to give up some part of it to have a bit of good laughter in my life, for a change. As humans, we do need it. I still needed craze.

Whatever it is, solitude = great.

So hey... welcome, to solitude. [youkoso, hitori bocchi]

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what for? 2.8.08

do i need protection? am i under conditions where i need to be protected?
does that mean i am incapable of doing things on my own?

you're a lonely soul.

with some of these thoughts going on now, at least with them going round and round inside my head, it keeps me off silent most of the time. not to mention some extra bad things happened to add up to the troubles, e.g. my phone falling off into the toilet bowl. i know some questions have their obvious answers, although some others have no definite answers at all.

so what am i really striving for in my life? what for?

yeah there are the answers. but at times when life does not know its way ahead, no answers seem certain. so what are the real answers to this question?

do you think you can find it?

do you know where the end is?

all these thoughts didn't come out of the blue. it had all to do with what i am currently dealing with and it's not much to an outcome i would like.

will i always be seeing you after this?

even if i want to... am i left behind?

can i catch up with you?

my faults of insecurities all this time...

can i ever redeem myself?

can i ever have a normal, pointless and laughable, face-to-face conversation with you like long time before, like everybody else? without any other strange thoughts?

if not then... at the current state, am i running out of time?

what has fate brought for us today, here, now, at these circumstances, with those we are with at the moment?

in the end even if neither of us prefers so...

will you be off and away?

will everything be forgotten and simply put behind?

will this bond be broken?

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Now playing: OneRepublic - Say (All I Need)
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boiling point 21.7.08

I have probably just realised this. It is important not to look down upon other people, or they will end up not liking you (they look down upon you too).

This is probably obvious and quite a general thing. But the thing is, I don’t think people actually realise it if it is actually happening to them. That is to say, I am sort of seeing it lately – someone I know being disliked, and this person actually has problems dealing with those peeps – possibly coz I know that person, in reality, do not have such good perception upon them. This person probably can tell about being disliked, but possibly does not realise the "why" part, even though, I have tried talking to this person about it before.

I have to say, it has come to my limits. I won’t say I like this person so much, not that I hate this person either. But this person’s actions can really raise questions from you, next up raising your curiosity of the things that the person has just said whether they are true or not (make sense, or not), then somehow the curiosity changes into somewhat a strange dissatisfaction (when I do not think what is being said by this person is true, although it’s just the person’s thoughts). This dissatisfaction, let me now claim that it has a temperature. Usually it is at a stable level, that is, if this dissatisfaction ever arises. But recently, it came to its limit. The temperature had gone off the boiling point. When I thought I would do it best by keeping quiet, putting my attention to something else and not responding much to what was being said, the person kept going.

If I actually end up not being too fond of this person, maybe (I insist, maybe, not necessarily true) this person thinks I’m just being sambil lewa; maybe, this person looks down on me. Yeah, this person works hard, I guess, it seems to be a tight principle of this person’s that hard work is the only way to success. But looking down on others who are not working as hard? It seems wrong. Other people have their own way of doing things even if it isn’t doing something with that kind of hard work like this person is doing. It seems like this person’s attention can be reached if you are either a very hardworking person, a nice person, a quiet of a person, a bright-looking person or a top scorer of some sort.

And so then, look at me. The supposedly quiet person who has skills in English who probably looks rajin. Duh? Does that necessarily mean I was a super-good person back in the past? A super active girl holding many positions in school clubs with super-excellent results in the important exams? A super-nice and friendly person who was in charge of many activities or representative of the school in important events, close to the teachers and well-known by juniors or seniors? Why are these stuff being brought up again when I have no desire to ever talk about such things again? A thing of the past. School stuff. I do not know – but I am pretty sure not much people out there hates school as much as I do. And I have my own reasons. Even on a sidenote, many of my batchmates sure hates it – MRSM Batu Pahat, Johor – given a choice, many would’ve probably wouldn’t want to go back there or ever even entered that school in the first place. And I used to wonder why so many of these people left that school even when there was only 1 year left in schooling days (2005), only I got it after I left that school. But in addition to the reasons why our batch hated that school, I have my own other personal reasons. Maybe, to conclude, whatever it was with my so-called good grades, I was a total nothing in school. Or anywhere else for that matter. Anytime, all back then. Having the good grades is another thing, being totally passive was another thing. Continuing until now, I guess some parts of it are still there. I hated being thought or looked at as the rajin-and-smart kind of person that others think is in a good position and have nothing to worry about, since people with good grades are socially looked high upon and you can say,respected. But any other aspects? A total nothing. A something that others generally do not understand. I doubt this person understands it either. So the continuous stuff about working hard, studying harder and struggle more is getting out of my optimum temperature.

Before it really gets on my nerves, maybe I have to stay out of the house here, as much as I could.

Say anything.

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