The Hardest Thing: A Letter to a Friend

During one of her husband's business trip my friend became extremely worried and scared that he wouldn't return. She asked herself, "what would be the hardest thing to accept". The following is her answer to herself, shared in the form of a letter to a friend. I've been holding on to it, not feeling the time was right, until now.

Dear Friend,

I've been thinking so much about you and our conversations.With thoughts of my husband physically not coming home to me, I had thought,"what would be the hardest for me to accept?" The hardest thing to accept and "let go" would be what I perceived to be the dreams left unfulfilled...the desires of my heart NOT coming to pass, or at least not in the way I thought they would.
I've been learning (not just over the course of the summer, it's been my life) to trust God...at deeper and more profound levels. I used to feel like a failure because there were times in my life when I didn't "listen" completely to the Spirit or I felt I didn't live up to my potential. They were experiences for my profit and learning...I've sincerely tried to repent and be forgiven. I think the Adversary likes to use them to discourage me and try to make me miserable. Only prior to my first son's baptism did the Spirit gently teach me that I was learning...learning to trust God and the promptings of the Spirit, learning to trust in the Savior and His Atonement, learning that mistakes ARE part of our earthly experience of learning. God knows our weakness. He is in the details of our lives. He provides for our mistakes to be "rights," as we trust Him. He knows what we'll choose and do in certain situations and we have to trust Him...only He sees the eternal picture of US and only He can help us become and reach our eternal potential. I know I need to be reminded of this often when I lose eternal focus. I need to be gently reminded to be content with what I have been allotted.
We oft times think we're all so different...all of God's children... when really, we are very much alike. We all have desires of our hearts....what would be our heaven on earth. We call it pain and sorrow when we perceive the desires of our hearts unmet, not given in this life. These thoughts shed new light on not judging others. Yeah, we can see others "outside" circumstances and judge that they must receive all the desires of their hearts; yet, it's only God that knows the desires of His children's hearts and the experiences they need to Become like Him and Empower them for greater things than what this earth life has to offer. We need to be reminded often.."I believe in Christ; he stands supreme! From him I'll gain my fondest dream; and while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: "Ye shall obtain." Some desires of the heart are granted during earth life and I recognize some are not, but God always surrounds us with His tender mercies...knowing the small and simple things that will help us continue on our journey if we have eyes to see His hand in our lives.You asked what I would do...I had been asking myself the same question...what would I do if my husband and I were to be separated by death for a time? After much contemplation, I realized I would continue forward on the same journey towards Zion. I would continue to do what's at the root of my motivation...help build the Kingdom of God (part of that I believe is working to be self reliant both spiritually and temporally so that I can help my brothers and sisters too!) We have to individually work out our salvation...enduring to the end...patiently waiting upon the Lord. Sadly we see even in temple marriages, that an individual will exercise agency and choose not to endure. Will the righteous individual be denied those beautiful blessings because of the bad choices of the other? No. We individually work with God for our salvation and ultimately our exaltation. Again, I have to be reminded constantly, what is in the realm of my control and what -the things out of my realm of control- I must trust to God and His timing.
I don't want to fear living or dying. I don't want to fear NOT feeling joy in the journey. Shortly after my mother's passing, I was going through family photos in an effort to organize...I thought I was well. My soul began again to mourn as the photos took me back to the season with my mother in mortality. I exclaimed inside with great sadness, "oh, I was happy then." I've since learned how important it is to look forward and be grateful for what was given, what we have rather than what we no longer have...look forward with faith. A thought came to me as I watched a magnificent sunset Wednesday night with a small plane flying over head. I love flying after lots of fun experiences. Perhaps our Father feels the same of us..."I don't want my children to Not fly because of the fear of falling. Flying is a wonderful experience. I don't want my children to NOT live because of the fear of dying. Living is a wonderful experience." It's part of the opposition in all things. I know there is joy along our journeys...I've learned that with my son - who had a rough entry/beginning few months and his love of life....feeling pain helps us understand and appreciate feeling joy. I still don't know exactly how I would actually handle the physical loss of my husband or one of my children...I try to hold onto one of my husband's memorized quotes,"There is no tragedy in death, only in sin."
With the tender mercy of my husband's return and all the thoughts I had had and what I was to learn, I felt I needed to renew my efforts to "live in thanksgiving daily," learn all I could learn from my husband and my children (and others) while I was granted the season. I don't want to have any regrets come a moment when my earth life may be changed dramatically...my planned dreams and hopes changed from what I thought would bring my greatest happiness. We all have missions to fulfill during our turn on earth. We'll always be learning what that "mission" is all about as we ask for the Lord's help. There's an abundant life to be lived as we follow the example of the Savior, trust in our Heavenly Father, and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost.
Hold fast. Know our family prays for you. Continue with those right things that you feel motivated to pursue along with the essential things that you already do on a daily basis. I pray your experience will be more clear sooner than later, and that the things that the Lord sees are the right things for you, will come to pass.
Love,
Your friend

"My Point" and the Healing Power of the Atonement

I think there is a point in everyone's life when we discover just how all encompassing the healing power of the Atonement really is. A point when we discover that we we can be forgiven, that because of Christ those things that we have need to be forgiven for have already been taken care of. That people we have hurt were held up through Christ's healing power, that mistakes we have made can be turned into moments of growth, that our "weaknesses" can be turned into strengths. 

There is also a point when each of us will discover on a very personal level that Christ literally suffered all of the pain, sorrow, confusion, grief, or sickness, each of us will ever go through-

My "point" happened during and after my pregnancy with my twins and the subsequent death of Spencer. The following was written about a year later.

On our piano in our home we have a framed photograph of our little angel the day he went to magnify his heavenly calling. It is a montage of his sweet little face smaller than the palm of my hand, his tiny little hands big enough only to grasp the tip of my pinky finger, and his precious little feet scarcely wider than my thumb. Along the base of one of those feet is a small red line-a reminder of an I.V. placed there because the rest of him was too tiny, too fragile, or already being used.  I look at that little red line and I remember someone else with marks in his hands and feet. My Savior.

My Savior hung on the cross. He suffered in Gethsemane. He died that we might live again. The Atonement before meant suffering for sins, it was associated with guilt, with sorrow.  Hymns #192 verse two says:

Come, Saints, and drop a tear or two

For him who groaned beneath your load;

Today that load doesn’t consist of just sins and wrong doings. Today that load consists of the fear felt when our twins were given a 60-80% survival rate, the desire of my heart to be able to hold my little ones before they were called home. The sorrow of telling my surviving children they would never get to meet Spencer in this life. The need to get up each morning and face each day when you would much rather stay in bed and cry. The awfulness of feeling alone because no one else completely understands what you are going through. The struggle of family being split apart for months on end because there is no other way to meet the needs of everyone. The inability to let loose what is in your heart for fear you might break and never be able to pick up the pieces. Because my Savior “groaned beneath” that load, it wasn’t just my load, and He helped me carry it.

He shed a thousand drops for you,

A thousand drops of precious blood.

A thousand drops of precious blood... this is an excerpt from my journal recounting a portion of a blessing I received the day the boys were diagnosed:

“...I was reminded that the drops of anointing oil represent Christ’s blood, and that not only did he suffer and die for our sins, but he suffered for all of our pain, sickness, confusion-everything! Not only so that he could understand and succor us-but so that we can be healed and ultimately resurrected...”

Those drops of blood helped my own body and spirit heal. I am grateful for the Atonement in my own life. I am even more profoundly grateful for the Atonement in behalf of my boys; one who lives today because of Christ’s healing power, and one who will live again just as Christ lives today.

            “As I watch the drops of blood seeping into your veins

            I remember a Savior who bled through every pore

            Drops of blood... He suffered even as you are

            Drops of blood... He will succor you, comfort you,

                         give you the peace that I cannot give, for I am helpless

            Drops of blood for peace, for faith, for healing

            Drops of blood that say “there is hope...I am the Lord that healeth thee”

            As I watch the drops of blood escaping through your lips

             I remember a Savior who bled through every pore.

            Drops of blood...He suffered even as you are

            Drops of blood...He will succor you, comfort you,

                        give you the peace that I cannot give, for I am helpless

            Drops of blood for pain, for sorrow, for grief, for fear

            Drops of blood that say “there is hope...I have broken the bands of death”

Because he has "borne our griefs and carried our sorrows", because he has "shed a thousand drops of precious blood", we are never truly alone - our Savior understands us perfectly- and thus knows how to help each of us heal. The Atonement is what makes that healing possible. It is because of the Atonement that we are able to find healing- not just because Christ understands us, but because he suffered for us. It is for this reason that despite losing my son, despite his brother being severely handicapped, despite events like this past weekend I have continued to be blessed with peace- because I know that the Atonement is real, and that through it there is healing and there is peace. Christ did not lie when he said "My peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you". He knows us, He loves us. We are not alone.

Stephanie: Angels Around Us

Stephanie is my cousin-in-law. She is a bright, insightful, funny person it has been my pleasure to get to know. The main theme of Stephanie's post is mental illness, and I appreciate her willingness to be forthright and honest about her experiences and the desire to use her first-hand knowledge to help others. As I read it I was struck by another, underlying theme- that of Angels. So many earthly angels were (are) placed in her life to help her during her darkest moments, and I believe the same is true for all of us. A few weeks ago at church two lines stood out to me from different hymns that were sung on the same day. The first is from the fourth verse of Count Your Many Blessings: "When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, When you are discouraged thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings, angels will attend- help and comfort give you till your journey's end." The second was the phrase "Friends on earth and friends above" from the third verse of For the Beauty of the Earth. Each of us has a life filled with angels- both heavenly and earthly. I am grateful for all of the angels in my life, and I sincerely hope that if the time comes that someone needs me to be their earthly angel, I will be willing and ready.



For many years, I’ve been sick with an illness which, unfortunately, many people mistakenly believe is something to just be gotten over with. However, from my own experience, I’ve learned that mental illness has the potential to be completely debilitating and if left untreated, can create devastation for the mentally ill patient and for everyone around them. I’d like to share some of my experiences with mental illness, and hope that this can help someone else who may be suffering similarly to me.

When I was twenty-two, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I had known something was wrong for years prior to this diagnosis. Thankfully, though, Heavenly Father was always one step next to me, just waiting for me to reach out to him…I just didn’t know it yet.

I’m not really sure how other people saw me in Junior High and High School, which was the time my problems started. I didn’t have many good friends. Honestly, I just didn’t know what to do with other people, and other people really didn’t know what to do with me. I was harboring this really big secret that I didn’t want anyone to find out about. I had silently labeled myself as “crazy” and was terrified of anyone seeing that side of me. Like any teen, I just wanted to be normal. So I pretended to be normal. I went to school, tried to make friends, went to church, and did everything I felt that “normal” people did. Secretly, though, I knew I was slowly losing the battle with my illness and every day the idea of taking my life was becoming stronger and stronger. I was losing. I was dying.

Finally, the thoughts of suicide became too much to handle. When I was fifteen, suicide was one of the things I thought about the most. Many people in that situation turn to drugs or alcohol to self-medicate. In my case, I had a strong testimony of the Word of Wisdom and refused to self-medicate in such a way. I was too weak to ask anyone for help, plus I had no idea where help could be found. What else could I do but pray? Aside from actually going through with taking my life, there was really nothing else I could do but pray. So I prayed. And I prayed. For a while, I felt nothing in response to my prayers. What else could I do, though? I didn’t want to die. I prayed more.

Then Heavenly Father sent me an angel in the form of a dear Young Women’s leader. This wonderful woman had lost her son to mental illness some time before, and was able to quickly realize that I needed help. This dear, precious angel helped me to tell her my secret. After saying the words out loud, it was like a great weight had been lifted off of me. This sister was able to find me another angel in the form of a caring, understanding therapist. After a while, I was able to work up the courage to go to my family doctor and ask for medication to help with my illness.

This is where lots of stories end with “happily ever after,” but mental illness doesn’t go away. Often, the brain will develop a tolerance to the patient’s medication, causing it not to work anymore. This has happened to me several times. In each time of relapse, though, as I’ve reached out to the Lord, he has always answered my prayers. Though in these times it’s difficult to see the hand of the Lord, as I look back he has always been there to help me in one form or another.

When I was twenty-one, I gave birth to my daughter and developed postpartum depression. Oddly enough, I didn’t recognize this at all. My husband saw it clearly, but somehow I thought nothing was wrong. I started taking a new anti-depressant, and this helped somewhat. I couldn’t help but think that I was sick because I had done something wrong. I thought that if I had just been more faithful, I wouldn’t be feeling the way I did. I guess I thought the Lord was punishing me for not being better than I am. Before my little one was born, I would often slide into another round of depression at these thoughts. As I looked at my newborn, I realized that I had no room to be sick like that anymore. I had no idea where to turn, so again I prayed.

“Father, have I not done enough to be healed of this infirmity? Have I not earned the healing blessings of the Atonement? Why have thou seen fit to have me live with depression?”

The answer came quickly, as if I were hearing the voice of the Lord speak the words, “Oh dear little one, you agreed to this in the preexistence. If I were to take it away from you now, in this life, I would be breaking promises I made to you long before you were born.”

As the spirit wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket, I realized that the Lord accepted and loved me as I was. I took great comfort and peace knowing that my illness was not a result of my sins, but of brain chemistry and genetics. I felt that I had permission to be sick, and this inspired me to get better. I found a new psychiatrist, another angel who helped me to better understand that my illness was more than just depression, but completely manageable and possible to live with. As difficult as it has been to live with, it has been one of the greatest blessings of my life because if nothing else, it forced me to learn to “Come Unto Christ.”




**For sake of clarification: Depression, and feeling depressed are two separate things. Feeling depressed happens to all of us at one point or another, and things like reading scriptures, serving others, attending the temple, etc. can have a positive effect on getting rid of those feelings. Depression and other related mental illnesses, are medical, physical issues that many times cannot be helped without medicine and other interventions. One of my other friends that suffers from depression found peace in recognizing that having a mental illness is like diabetes- it is a treatable illness, without a cure, that requires medication and lifestyle changes to be as healthy as possible and to live to the best of her ability, and while faith can help- it does not cure. For a list of related articles and resources you can refer to this post that also talks about depression.

Becoming a Fruitful Currant Bush: Amber Jackson

Accepting the Will of God

When I asked my friend Amber to write a post she graciously said she would try. A few weeks later this is the message I got.

     I have been thinking a lot about what to write. I have been really

     struggling and feel like I'm not learning what I am supposed to learn yet.

     We are stressed about the new job, but love our ward and the kid's

     schools. I want to write something uplifting, but it's not coming yet.

     I do keep coming back to the video clip on LDS.org of the current bush that

     gets pruned WAY back and cries out - what are you doing to me? This is how

     I feel and hopefully someday I'll understand how it is making me better I

     just can't see it yet.

Instead of letting her off the hook, I asked her to write about feeling like a pruned back bush, because I am positive someone else is feeling the same way, and sometimes it helps just to know we're not alone. The following is the video clip she was talking about, and then her contribution. 

There have been many times in my life when I have asked the Lord, "why is this happening to me? Wasn't I making progress? Why aren't things working out like I expected? Haven't I been obedient and faithful?"
These times have come in many different forms; a heart wrenching breakup, great opposition in my missionary work, extended family heart ache from sin and death, children with learning and behavioral disabilities, physical and mental illness, struggles to support my husband's rigorous job schedule, and trying to make ends meet for our large family. Some of these experiences have come and gone and I can witness that the Lord's will for me was infinitely better than what I had planned for myself. Without the break up of my engagement I would never have served a mission or have married the man who truly cherishes me. Without the opposition on my mission my testimony would be shallow and my compassion for others limited. And without aching for family members my love for them would not have grown so intensely.


Even with this proof of the Lord's love for me and his perfect knowledge of what is best for my life, I still find myself "whining" as he prunes and guides my growth. This lesson is one that I learn over and over again. I am very grateful that my Father in Heaven is patient with me even when I am not always patient in return. Each time I am cut back I am eventually humbled and my understanding of the Savior's suffering and compassion for me grows. His atonement is real and has the power to change our hearts. I know that peace can come through the spirit even without a full understanding of what is next for us. I hope to someday accept the Lord's will for me with greater patience and faith. I do want to be the best little current bush I can be, and only the Lord knows what I need to get me to become that. I am very thankful that he cares enough to keep cutting me back and guiding my paths. I know he cares for each of us.
I know he cares for each of us too. Thank you Amber for being willing to write even when you weren't feeling inspirational - for despite your "weaknesses", we have been strengthened.

In-Laws and the Atonement

I am grateful to my dear friend for being willing and courageous enough to share the following with us. Out of respect to her in-laws she has asked to remain anonymous. 

I’d like to bear my testimony of the Atonement and the power it has to change our hearts and our lives. I’ve struggled for years with anxiety, and it’s especially strong when I’m pregnant or nursing. With that being the case, I’ve spent about 10 of my 12 married years battling severe anxiety. My husband has been heroically supportive through my struggles, but this mental illness has brought us many challenges.

One that’s been the hardest is that it’s strained our relationship with my husband’s family. They’re good, kind, generous people. I don’t think many people who’ve met them would understand how I could possibly have felt the way I did. But trying to get to know them and become accustomed to a family culture that clashed with mine when I wasn’t entirely myself created a very dysfunctional relationship.

I don’t think they ever did anything intentionally to hurt me. I really think they never realized that some of their actions came across as thoughtless, disrespectful, or hurtful. Some of them I can even laugh at now. How at my first Thanksgiving with their family, they brought up my husband’s old girlfriend and how much they missed her. How when our first baby was born and she was so beautiful, they would praise each beautiful feature and tell me that they were certain they all came from their side of the family, because she couldn’t possibly look like me. Or how when that same baby was born and I didn’t want visitors in the hospital, they told me they didn’t really think I should feel that way, so they were coming anyway.

My whole life, I’d been pretty good at giving people the benefit of the doubt with stuff like that and just loving them anyway. And maybe those things sound silly. But at the time, the things they did really hurt. Anxiety disorder magnifies feelings like that, and it got to the point that every time we were together, I was on my guard, waiting to be hurt again, ready to see each potential offense. I kept my heart further and further from them so it couldn’t get hurt again. We spent less and less time with them.

In the few years where I was neither pregnant nor nursing, I would come more to myself and try a little harder to make a relationship, but the next time I had a baby, I would lose all the progress I’d made. The fear got so bad I could hardly speak to them. I struggled to even want to have a relationship with them, though I felt guilty about that, especially knowing how much I was hurting them by being distant. On some level, I think I realized I was letting my anxiety be an excuse, a shield to protect me from them, but for years the thought of getting past that anxiety felt truly impossible.

The Spirit guided me through little steps of progress, like recognizing times that I had been unkind and apologizing for the things I’d done,  trying to stop myself from thinking anything negative about my in laws, and trying to give them the benefit of the doubt when they said or did something that could be taken in a hurtful way. I believed I’d truly forgiven them. But I still felt afraid to have a real relationship with them. To love them.

Then I heard Sister Beck speak to the sisters where I live. She talked about being a consecrated disciple of Christ, and it felt as if the Spirit burned in me a new heart. And I heard a talk by Sheri Dew, also about being a disciple of Christ and the importance of loving and forgiving everyone, with no exceptions.  I knew it was time to step up and be a disciple. So I went to my Heavenly Father and asked Him to forgive my lack of love. I asked for the Savior’s Atonement to enable me to overcome the anxiety and learn how to let go of the distance that had been my shield so that I could learn to not just forgive but love those who had hurt me.

It was painful. It felt as if He opened a door in my heart to a place that had been shut up and was full of dust and rot. It felt like that place was scraped out fresh and raw and clean. And then I felt healed. I felt love and peace where there had been none, where it had seemed impossible for real love to exist.

That was almost two years ago, and I’m still in awe of the completeness of the healing. I still have to watch myself so I don’t let old habits of negative thinking creep in, but I can say in honesty that I love my in laws and that I’m now working on growing a relationship with them. They’re a blessing in my life. I’m so grateful for my Savior and His Atonement.

There are so many scriptures that come to my mind when I think of this experience, and there were so many things I learned from the scriptures and from conference that helped me to reach the point where I could ask the Lord to heal me. One that I’d like to share is Luke 1:37, “For with God, nothing shall be impossible.” I know that’s true. I know that through the infinite power of the Savior’s Atonement, He can help us overcome any challenge, repent of any sin, keep any commandment. He can help us to become more like Him, and experience greater love, happiness, and peace as we strive to be His disciples.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

For a list of articles on family relationships/forgiveness within, see this past post: Tearing Down Walls

My Grandmother- Cleone Wilcken: Give, and it shall be given unto you

The following is an excerpt from a compilation of some spiritual experiences my grandparents recorded and gave to their grandchildren for Christmas many years ago. I read through the little book again just recently and thought this excerpt in particular was perfect for the blog. It was written by my Grandmother, Cleone Wilcken, who has since passed away (almost three years ago this fall)

"Several years ago ago a young man visiting our Ward bore his testimony and told of a wise home teaching companion he had when just a teacher. This man told him that in order for the Lord to bless us with the ability to give we had to give and give and give. Now I'm sure this advice could be taken in lots of ways but at the time I interpreted it to mean financially.
Awhile later the Bishopric asked us to meet about the possibility of building a new church for our Ward. I sat in the meeting wondering how on earth we would be able to contribute to the building of a new chapel. Let me fill you in just a little. At that time the members of the Ward were to raise 30% of the cost of the building. As I remember the total cost was to be $600,000. Because of inflation before we were through the cost was over $1,000,000. As I thought about it I knew the Bishop would expect our family to donate as much as any family in the Ward and we were also facing having two missionaries serving their missions during that time. Inside myself I panicked wondering how in the world we would ever be able to do what was expected.
A short time later I was reading one of Sterling W. Sill's books and he quoted a verse from Luke 6:38 which I would like to quote: "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give unto your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again". Never has a scripture hit me with such force as that one did. I knew it was meant just for me. Now you need to realize that I was a child of the depression where money was very tight. We counted every penny and went without a lot of things. We did not go hungry as a lot of people did because Dad was a farmer and we raised a lot of our food. After Dee and I were married for quite a few years money was also tight and there wasn't much to go around and maybe that is one of the reasons this scripture hit with such force. 
Many times while we were raising money for the church i wrote checks for the building fund when I was pretty sure there was not enough money in the bank to cover them but it was always there.
From this scripture and this experience I learned a very valuable lesson that I will never forget. You can never get ahead of the Lord. He always gives more than he expects you to.

Doubt not, Fear not: Rachel Davidson

The following scriptures have taken on more meaning in my life the past 10 months then ever before. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 – Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. 

Jacob 3:1-But beheld, I , Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart.  Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. 

D&C 6:36 - Look unto me in every thought doubt not fear not. 

This past July I was prepared to do a School Counseling Internship, this was the last step in receiving my Masters degree.  I had made the connections I needed and was planning to stay in  Logan, Utah.  I had  everything setup, I would be at Logan HS and at USU Career services, everything seemed prepared and ready to go. Prior to arranging my internship I had a passing thought that  it might be time for me to leave beautiful Cache Valley-I had moved to Logan in August 2002 when the world as I had previously known it fell into pieces around me, and I became a single mother of 4 wonderful children. So I was totally relieved when everything was arranged and it appeared I was ready for the 2011-2012 school year.  I had some nagging unrest in my heart but didn't think much of it. I had a friend make a comment to me that got me to thinking “was I really making the right decision, yes it would be easier to stay in Logan, I would have some great opportunities, still had the nagging unrest”  it was shortly after that conversation with my friend that I basically said the words out loud that I needed to move.  Sisters to this day I am amazed that at the moment that I admitted to myself that I needed to make some arrangements to move I had the most beautiful reassurance of the spirit that it was indeed the right thing.  While it would have been easier to stay in lovely Cache Valley, I see all the reasons why I have moved to the SLC area.  The move back in August of 2011 wasn't the easiest experience of my life but it was the right thing to do.  The whole move involved lots of learning, it wasn't easy but it was the right thing.  I had a very moving experience when it came to finding a place to live that I will share before I close this article.  I had been looking for weeks on line and had a friend and his daughter helping me look at some different apartments.  I was also receiving some financial help to pay my rent and it was very unlikely that I would have that same help when I moved to the SLC area, not to mention the fact that I had a car accident where a car went through a traffic sign and totaled my van.   So I felt a wee bit of stress about how everything would work out for me.  I received my miracle - things feel into place and I would be able to get the same financial help that I had in Logan.  I then found a three bedroom apartment that was in the right price range that I needed.  The apartment manager told me that I was either the 4th or 5th person that had wanted to live in my apartment but for a variety of reasons non of the other people were able to rent the apartment.  The Lord had a plan for me.  I saw and felt his hand in my life and I know for a fact that if we have the faith that the Lord will give us the guidance we need in our lives; if we are willing to trust in the Lord and to move our feet. 

Have the past 10 months been easy for me?  Even though the spirit has bore witness to me that I am where I need to be it hasn't been easy.  Which has just increased my need to trust in the Lord with all my heart.  I love my Heavenly Father and know that he truly knows and loves each of us.  We are en- graven upon his hands,  May we all have the faith and trust that he requires of us, and our lives will be so much better when we allow him to have place in our lives. 

Are you in the Drawing?

Hello All,

Our two weeks is up! If you recorded something 12 out of the 14 days please send me a comment letting me know if I should or should not put your name in the drawing. These will not be published - but I will publish the winner. Thank you all for accepting this challenge with me. I hope you too were blessed by making an effort to ponder God's Kindnesses each day.
~Melissa

Remember, Remember or Accountability and Motivation: Help, Please!

I recently came across this talk by President Eyring: O Remember, Remember
As I was reading it I felt inspired to do as he suggests, and to daily take a moment to "recognize and remember God's kindness".
If anyone is like me, you start with good intentions, and then it kind of falls by the wayside. Things always work better when I have accountability and a bit of extrinsic motivation to go along with the intrinsic motivation. So to get me started, I'm coming to you for help.
Here's where you come in. I am inviting all of you to join me :) 
Read the talk, and then if you decide you want to do this too, send a comment saying you're in (accountability: check). Then, at the end of two weeks whoever makes a comment saying you recorded something 12 out of 14 days will be entered in a drawing to receive this cute notebook ... and probably some chocolate too- just because we're girls. (extrinsic motivation: check)

There are no stipulations on how to record it, or how long it must be. Elder Eyring's talk will tell you how to discover what to write about. We'll start Tuesday June 5.
Are you in?


P.S. the comments are set up to be cleared by me first, so if you comment and don't see it right away don't worry.

Anna McEntire: GC Awards or Adding to my Toolbox

I have to thank Melissa for putting this blog together and inviting so many excellent sources of strength and inspiration. When thinking about how I might contribute to such a great compilation, I kept coming back to how I get and keep my favorite quotes and scriptures. Here’s the answer:

As much as I love my two children, they have forever changed the face of our bi-annual General Conference weekends. I rarely have the chance anymore to just sit and watch the words of the prophets, with notebook in hand and pen at the ready. I am refereeing squabbles, shooshing errant conversations, assembling toys, helping to play scripture bingo. Conference is still one of my favorite events of the year, but I’ve often arrived at 6 p.m. on Sunday evening, wondering, out of the eight hours of broadcasts, what I had learned.

Instead of trying to recreate my note-taking, pre-children days, about four years ago, I decided to take a play from my kids’ book and turn Conference into a game. And thus was born GC Awards, where I created category recognitions to help me mentally parse out the torrent of counsel spoken throughout the weekend.

I don’t take notes. I don’t stress over absorbing every word. I enjoy our family time, and I listen. Then, in the days following, I go back in my head (and on the internet, if needed) to remember the talks and assign out my awards. Some of the categories are straightforward (My Favorite Talk), and others are more silly (The Humor Award, The Best Metaphor), but they all help me mentally tag the content. I post them on my blog so I’ll have a place I can frequently revisit them.

At first, I was apprehensive about writing and posting my GC Awards. I don’t want to make light of General Conference nor fail to give it the reverence it deserves. Since I’ve started, however, I’ve noticed a dramatic increase in the amount of content I remember from each session of General Conference—even more than during my note-taking days. It’s almost like I’m carrying a little toolbox around with me now. Because I can remember my favorite talks, I can call them to my aid during lessons, during trials, and just during daily life. It has become a treasure to me.

My latest edition of GC Awards is here. And, just to add something to Melissa’s list of Conference talks, here’s my favorite quote from this April’s talk by Neil L. Andersen:

     Jesus’s call “Come, follow me” is not only for those prepared to compete in a spiritual Olympics. In  fact, discipleship is not a competition at all but an invitation to all. Our journey of discipleship is not a dash around the track, nor is it fully comparable to a lengthy marathon. In truth, it is a lifelong migration toward a more celestial world.

Another one for the toolbox.
ann

 This was contributed by my friend Anna McEntire. We were only in the same ward for a little over a year, but became good friends regardless. I love how Heavenly Father helped her find a way to glean "tools" from conference in a way that worked for her. What are some ways that you have found to internalize conference talks? For me, I try to pay attention during conference itself, but most of what I actually learn and remember comes by reading the talks individually. (I usually substitute this for my scripture study until I have gone through all of the talks).

If Men Come Unto Me: Kirsten Duncan

I love how scripture passages and verses become an inspiration in different ways at different times. I had read and heard quoted Ether 12:27 many times at church, seminary, institute and religion classes. Mostly I responded to the section that says “…. then will I make weak things become strong unto them” I loved and still love that promise. I also gained understanding of my weaknesses from “… I give unto men weakness that they my be humble…” But it wasn’t until several months into my mission that I really listened to the message in the first sentence.

As a full time missionary I was frustrated that I had so many weaknesses. I thought that as a missionary I should be stronger and less weak. When I read this verse as a part of my personal scripture study I was struck with the phrase "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness…" I suddenly understood that my weaknesses were always there, I was just able to see them more clearly as I tried to be as close to Him (and His inspiration) as I could. This experience has been important in my life because I learned 1) Answers to prayers are found in the scriptures 2) Regular scripture study is critical for me personally and 3) I learned to have hope.

Kirsten is one of my new friends here in CA. I was very grateful for this story (that she shared in Relief Society) one recent morning as I was feeling down about all of my failings -the things I do wrong, or not at all. "..If men come unto me I will show unto them their weaknesses". Like she said, it gave me hope. Maybe I'm not doing as poorly as I thought, maybe I'm just in the process of coming closer to HIm.

Lean not unto thine own understanding: Helena Bitter

Helena Bitter is a sweet lady in my ward here in Santa Clarita. She is originally from England. As part of a Relief Society activity she wrote this: "When we lived in Las Vegas we were contemplating moving to California, but couldn't see how we could financially afford it. I was watching conference and this scripture convinced me that we were supposed to move and that everything would fall into place". I loved the story she shared with us, and she very kindly agreed to expand it a bit and let me share it with all of you.

Dean and & I moved to Las Vegas from Los Angeles area in 1970. After living there for 13 years he decided he missed California and wanted to move back. It just so happens that there was an opening in his company in Westlake Village, so he applied and much to his surprise he was picked. After checking out the real estate market we discovered that there was such a disparity in the economy and we couldn't see how we could possibly afford to move here. Dean was able to stay with his brother for a while and try to find someplace for us to stay. I was watching General Conference one weekend and there was one scripture quoted that seemed like it was just for me at that moment. It was Proverbs 3:5-6, Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. 

The most profound part was "and lean not unto thine own understanding." I took that to mean, don't worry about how you are going to make it or find a place to stay - just forge ahead with your plans. So forge ahead we did and it wasn't easy, we had many trials along the way - and many once we moved here. But we knew that this would be a spiritual move for our family and not a financial one. Financially we would have been better off staying in Las Vegas, but we know that this is where we should be. The Lord paved the way for us and our faith was strengthened and continues to be. Our move took us 13 months to accomplish and our home in Las Vegas sold 3 times before finally closing. IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, AND HE SHALL DIRECT THY PATHS. 

P.S. Helena shared with us in Relief Society is that they went back to the neighborhood they had been in and discovered that the majority of their childrens' friends had wandered from the fold. It was a testimony to her that they had indeed made the right choice for their family.

Tearing Down Walls

Ever since President Uchtdorf's talk in this past April Conference, I think relationships and forgiveness have been on everybody's mind a lot more. Since this is a sensitive subject, and can be painful to write about, I thought instead I would compile a list of references some of which have helped me when I have despaired of repairing relationships, sought to be forgiven, sought to know how to forgive someone, sought to know how to forgive myself, or sought to find healing for the pain in my heart-caused by intentional or unintentional actions of others. From experience let me just say - all of these things are possible.

Ephesians 2:14 says For he is our peace, who hath made both one, and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us;

It is my testimony that Christ truly has the power to break down walls, to bring peace to our hearts, and repair broken relationships-making them one and whole again. 

If this is truly your desire, then those walls can come down. Sometimes like the walls of Jericho they come crashing down, all at once, with nothing left but rubble. And sometimes through time the mortar weakens, and as we chip away at it we are able to remove one brick at a time until the wall no longer exists. I truly believe that not only can the walls come down, but that Christ has the power to remove the rubble, remove the dust and scars left behind and create a peaceful garden in it's place. I also know that we don't have to wait until the wall is gone before we can be forgiven, give forgiveness (to others and ourselves), and receive healing- all through the Atonement of Christ. I am so grateful for a Savior who loves each of us enough to bring healing and hope to our hearts. I am grateful for a Father in Heaven that  provided a plan that makes it possible for our families to be eternal, and a way to make that eternal family one that is whole and without walls or holes. To quote George A. Smith "I marvel how we have been blessed".

References:

Ephesians 2:14

The Merciful Obtain Mercy

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness: My Burden was Made Light

Joy in the Journey

The Love of God

Happiness in Family Life

Forgiveness

The last link is the result when I did a search for forgiveness on lds.org. I find it telling that the first nine articles that come up are from our most recent April General Conference.... 

P.S. For those of you who may have suffered from abuse of one kind or another this article from Elder Holland may be of help

To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse

Havelah Allen: Well Pleased

I think all of us at one point or another get discouraged and disheartened and feel like failures. Or just get overwhelmed by all of the things we think we should be doing. I remember a specific time when I was just tired of it all, so tired. The Spirit directed me to D&C 64:33-34. It changed my perspective, and gave me a new sense of fulfillment as I tried daily to do the little things to lay a foundation for my greatest work- my children; knowing that all that was required was my heart, and a willingness to do what was right - not perfection. My sweet cousin (in-law) Havelah shares her own experience with the Spirit helping her by changing her perspective.

3 Ne 11:7 “Behold, my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased, in whom I have glorified my name-hear ye Him.”
After the birth of my fourth child, I struggled for quite a while with baby blues.  I wanted so badly to feel like my efforts were accepted and that I had pleased the Lord, pleased my family, and lived up to my responsibilities. But day after day, I looked back over the day and felt like a complete failure.
One night it reached a crisis. The day had been so hard….and I had worked so hard…and at the end of the day the house was a wreck, my children were grumpy, my husband was feeling neglected, and I just didn’t know what to do. I locked myself in a dark room and cried and cried. Here is an excerpt from my journal entry that night explaining what happened.
“Lately, I’ve felt like such a failure as a mother and as a wife…I’ve been discouraged and disheartened. Today, as I was thinking back over the regrets of the day, I felt SO crushed and small. The house was a complete wreck when Adam got home, and we were all ornery and upset. I had lost my patience too many times to count and etc. etc. I felt like the absolute WORST wife and mother and daughter. As I was thinking back, I was praying and praying for forgiveness. Then the spirit whispered that instead of looking for the bad and negative and for all of my shortcomings, I should ask Heavenly Father if anything I did today pleased Him. It filled me with instant hope…just like a child, hoping that something I’d done had pleased my Father. It was quite a simple thing that came to my mind…but it helped me stop feeling so downhearted. I gave (my neighbor) a can of Spaghetti sauce…so simple that writing it makes it sound almost silly. But Heavenly Father saw it, and it pleased Him…I think that as I strive to think of ways to please the Lord throughout the days, that the balance will change and there will be more in my life that pleases Father than that displeases Him.”
After this experience, I thought often of the question, “Will this please Heavenly Father”? I didn’t change much of WHAT I was doing. I still wiped runny noses and washed dishes and folded laundry. But I completely changed WHY I was doing those things. As I washed my little toddler’s dirty feet the next day, I thought about how the Savior had washed the feet of His disciples, and I felt that God was pleased with me for caring for my little ones in that way. As I cleaned the house for the umpteenth time, I thought of the fact that the spirit would be more able to abide there because of it, and I felt the Lord’s pleasure. The reasons that I worked and served completely changed as I thought of the words of the Father about His Son: “Behold, my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased…”
As the REASONS that I served and worked changed, my despondency and discouragement melted away. I still didn’t get any sleep at night, and that didn’t matter. My house still was often a wreck, but we worked through it. I thought of things that I could do to please Heavenly Father, and we all were blessed for it. The feeling in my home has changed completely since that time. I am so grateful for the example of our Savior, and for the healing power of His Atonement. I want to please my Father, and I know that with the Savior’s help and a lot of hard work, I can do it…and one day hear Father in Heaven tell me that He is pleased with my efforts.


Related Article:
Forget Me Not

Unknown Significance: Megan Bradshaw

Megan is my newest friend, we just "happened" to join the same special needs support group related to the disease that took a son from  both of us, she just "happened" to friend me, and we just "happened" to both be LDS. When I asked Megan about the basic idea of her contribution this week she said "just how sometimes you don't know that significant moments are even happening sometimes". Some people call these coincidences, some call them "mini-miracles", some call them Tender Mercies. I call them beautiful.

When I lost one of my identical twins unexpectedly just before his birth, other women’s twin pregnancies became my kryptonite. Seeing a happy expectant mother worrying about how she was going to juggle two healthy full-term babies took me back to a time of anticipation and naivete.  To my “before” life.  Before I realized that babies die.  Before I gained a NICU education against my will.   Before thousands of gray hairs.  I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  Who was this new person who knew all about headstones?  Who is this woman who checks to make sure her family members are still breathing ten times a night?


When my friend Kristin discovered that she was having twins, I felt like my life had become a cosmic joke.  Not just any twins.  Identical twin boys that shared a placenta.  Why couldn’t they be fraternal?  Why couldn’t they be girls?  Why couldn’t it happen to some stranger across the neighborhood that I didn’t care about?  Why did it have to be my friend?  When she called to tell me the news, I kept it together for the duration of our conversation, then cried for four days straight and stalked the happy congratulatory posts on her FB page like a woman possessed.  I was never sure how many of my tears were shed because I was scared for her and how many because I felt so desperately sorry for myself.  There were more of the latter variety than I care to admit.


I realized that I had but two choices: give up our friendship or get over it.  I couldn’t face the first one, but the second seemed impossible.  In the end my answer came: “but what if something happens to her babies and she needs you?”  I couldn’t risk being emotionally unavailable, should she need my morbid expertise in a crisis.  Maybe this was why we were friends at this time in our lives, after all.  Maybe she needed me.


Throughout her pregnancy, we spoke often of her boys, her health, her treatment, her hopes and fears.  In the beginning, I lied through my teeth, telling her “no, this isn’t that awkward”.  She was uncommonly sensitive and compassionate without being pitying.  She never said any of the awful, insensitive things I was anticipating from my time in the twin-loss chat boards.  She always greeted me with joy and enthusiasm.  In time I found myself being quite surprised that it truly wasn’t “that awkward.”  She invited me to her baby shower and I had a wonderful time.  The only gut-check moment that I had was when she opened a beautiful soft white blanket, exactly the same blanket that we buried with our Dex. 


My friend managed to avoid the dangerous disease of the shared placenta that claimed the life of one of my sons and has challenged another.  When her boys arrived a few weeks shy of full term, on the exact birthdate of my own twins, I couldn’t help but feel the deep irony of their timing.  Interestingly, I found myself chuckling a little about it instead of crying over it.  I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about it, but I knew for sure that I wasn’t crippled with despair.


I am ashamed to admit that it took me four full months before I was ready to walk down the street and meet her boys in person. In the end, it was a spontaneous decision.  When I laid my eyes on those beautiful little boys (and oh, yes, they were beautiful), I was struck by my sense of elation to see their sweet, healthy little faces, so similar to one another.  I was also struck by the absence of envy within my own heart.


When Kristin showed up at my house a few days later with eight diaper pieces for a project that is close to my heart, something I do in honor of my son, they represented so much more than the love of a neighbor toward my little project.  They were pure white.  They represented her friendship and compassion.  They represented my own healing.  They represented the purity of the Savior’s love.  They represented the honest joy and relief that I felt for Kristin’s happy ending.  As I held those little diapers in my hands, I knew that I was going to be ok.  I knew that if I could survive a close friend having a healthy set of identical twin sons on my own sons’ birthday, I could face just about any twin situation.  Probably.  Somewhere along the way I realized that Kristin had been sent to me not because she needed me, but because I needed her.  I needed her to help me stop living in fear and envy.  I needed her to be that brave soul who welcomed me into the inner circle of her experience while intuitively allowing me the space that I sometimes needed. 


Sometimes the miracle comes in the healing of a child’s broken body against all odds.  Sometimes the miracle comes in the healing of a mother’s broken heart against all odds.  Sometimes the miracles sneak up on you over time through the goodness of others.  Sometimes the miracle is that special person who unknowingly leads you through the darkness with a hand so gentle that you don’t realize that the dawn has already come. 

Note to Readers

Hello all,

Just wanted you to know that I'm not only friends with people that have lost a baby, though by the majority of contributions it might seem that way :)
I would love to have numerous contributions of the little every-day lessons we each are learning, as well as the big obvious lessons. If you have a lesson you would like to share (length doesn't matter), a scripture that touched your heart, or a quote from a talk that has made a difference for you, email it to me at ifwbyw@gmail.com. If you don't feel inspired to contribute now, don't worry, your time will come ;)

Thank you to all of you, readers and contributors. It has been a special experience to put this blog together and keep it going.

~Melissa

Julie Johnson: Tribulation for Salvation or Dealing with Depression

I have read over some of the blog posts and have been touched by them.  I think of some of the musical words in a presentation about Joseph Smith’s life they are: “Tribulation for Salvation”.  Though our challenges are different, it seems that none of us are spared tribulation but when we channel those challenges through Jesus Christ, we come to know God and to be able to receive the gift of Salvation, even Exaltation!

My challenges over the last 14 years have been with depression.  My story began in college after having surgery on a broken hand and during the challenging recovery, my days and life became rather dark.  I didn’t understand then that I was dealing with depression.  I had heard the term I don’t remember being informed what it was or what it felt like.  I felt like I simply survived.  I was thankfully blessed with a friend who helped me be content to continue living.  I read my scriptures and found comfort in the words of Isaiah that all would be well for those who were on the Lord’s side.  I finally came to the determination that even if I never felt happy when I did good things again, that I would do it anyway just to spite the adversary of righteousness.  After that, things improved for me and all was well, for a time...

I experienced another season of depression as a young mother, poor college student, and across the country from my family.  This time, I found no comfort in the scriptures though I still tried to read them from habit my mind could not focus on them.  I prayed and felt no connection.  All thoughts were dark and negative and until I had medical intervention, I barely managed to do the basics for survival.  I was sent, blessed with, a doctor who listened and medicine that worked.

A few years later, another episode but now I could feel it coming and understood what it felt like.  I took some medication and it helped right away.  I also felt that something else in my life needed changing and I discovered that I was addicted to sugar...the Lord opened a way for me to learn about it and deal with it and I felt that I was “cured” of my depression (I thought)!  I was thankful!

It has been over 5 years since I have taken the sugar from my diet but I still struggle on and off with depression and darkness, with times of negative thinking and emotions.  I have found yoga, essential oils, books on positive thinking, and these things have helped some.  The things that have helped the most though are: examples of the pioneers and others who have made it through the utmost sacrifices and have come to know God.  I have learned that “In the moment (the one where you think you cannot bear to live or be a moment longer) to use the atonement” and secondly, I have become convinced and often remind myself that “The Lord has something better in mind for me.”

Related Links:

Rising Above the Blues 

Managing Postpartum Depression: A Gospel Perspective

Isaiah 53:4-5

The Spiritual Component of Healing

Julie is a former roommate and dear friend. I have many friends who suffer from depression, and I am grateful to Julie for graciously agreeing to share her story.

Trust in the Lord: Shanda Hafen

This week's contribution comes from my cousin's wife Shanda Hafen, a young mom in Hyrum, Utah.

Landmines

We all have days where we keep stepping on the virtual “landmines” of everyday life.  On those days it seems like no matter how hard you try to avoid them, you somehow can’t manage to miss them.  Examples of landmines;  Your toddler just got into your makeup and now there is red lipstick all over the walls, the cat just barfed on the new carpet, the teenage daughter just broke up with the boyfriend and her World is now coming to an end (and apparently so is yours) and on and on the battle field presses on.  You feel like screaming.  You feel like running away from it all.  You simply sometimes wish one of those “landmines” would blow you someplace far away, like a beach in Tahiti, but yet somehow the “landmines” just keep blowing your peace of mind to smithereens.

As a young mom and the oldest in a family of five I have had my fair share of those days.  As a 

teenager I came across a scripture in Proverbs that has helped me get through the tough times and day to day life. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”  As simple as this scripture is, it has been a key guiding point in my life.  For all who know me and know me well, I am not a patient woman and tend to grab a situation by the horns and force things to go how I want them to be.  However, sometimes things don’t always turn out as we plan them to and on more than one occasion I’ve reflected on the words of this scripture. 

Seven months after my husband and I were first married, we learned from my OBGYN that it would be hard if not impossible for us to have children due to some unforeseen complications. The birth control I had taken only once had some negative effects on my body and had left me infertile. Although we had not planned on starting a family right away, the news still shocked us and left me feeling empty inside.  I had always dreamt of having children of my own and I felt like a disappointment to my new husband.  He never made me feel bad and showed nothing but support for me, but I let my mood consume my thoughts and I became depressed.One day while at work, Proverbs 3:5-6 randomly popped into my head.  At first I felt skeptical,but then hope surged through me and I began to bubble with excitement.We read the scripture and together we decided to put all our trust in the Lord.In one of my husband’s personal prayers, he asked God to heal me and for us to be blessed with a child. God heard his prayer and within a month we were pregnant!  I cannot even express our shock and our joy!  We now have a beautiful little girl and according to the doctors we will be able to have more children in the future.To put my whole trust in my Heavenly Father that everything was going to turn out for the best and not just go with what I understood took a lot of faith.  It took even more faith to pray to Him and acknowledge Him in all things, so He could guide my actions and heart.  With His help, I have learned that even during the rough times He can help calm my troubled soul and lead me out of the battle field.

Sincerely,

Shanda Hafen    

Proverbs 3:5-6 Has been a favorite of mine ever since it was our Stake Theme my freshman year in college. I have tried to follow the counsel within it, and can testify that if we trust in the Lord, and follow the promptings he gives us, regardless if they make sense to us or not, he truly does direct our paths for our good. If you don't mind (and I guess you can't stop me now) I'm going to share a personal example (again).

Two months after my surviving twin came home from the hospital, so when he was five months old, my husband and I both got the impression that we should not do anything to prevent another baby. At this time my son was still on oxygen, eating 2 ounces of milk took anywhere from 20 min -hour -and he had to eat every two hours, he was on 4 different medications, and was seeing three different therapists. I was  also still in the process of grieving for his brother. It did not make sense for us to even risk having another baby, but we decided to trust in the Lord. One month later I was pregnant, and to be honest, not very happy about it. I asked "why, why now", and the answer I got was that the timing was important for our family, that something would be happening in 3-5 years that made it important to have a baby now instead of later. (I never get answers that direct). It took me 8 months to be okay with it. I stressed over how in the world I was going to take care of two little ones (not to mention their 3 older brothers), and felt very defeated. It was like a grey cloud hung over me that I couldn't get through. And then one day I realized "If God is the one that told me to do this, and I'm doing it, then of course he's going to help me. Duh!" So, I started trusting again. When my little son was blessed he was told he was sent at this time to be a special friend for his brother. One day when I was feeling down about M. not having his twin with him, I remembered this and realized that one of the reasons Z. came was because God loves M. just as much as I do, and wanted him to have a special friend/brother since he didn't have his twin. Now, fast forward to three years later. My husband suddenly received a new job opportunity in a completely different state, away from any family and friends. It was an amazing opportunity, one we couldn't pass up, so suddenly we had a house on the market and 7 people's worth of stuff to organize and pack up. Our house didn't sell before the job started, so my husband moved to a tiny apartment and started work in California while the boys and I stayed in Utah trying to sell the house. He came home for two days every other weekend. If we had waited until it "made sense" to have another baby, I would have had an infant on top of everything else. I would not have had the physical or emotional stamina to take care of my children (let alone try to sell a house), and support my husband in an important career change. Looking back, I can see so many other blessings that have come from Trusting the Lord and letting him direct our path in just that particular instance. He truly does love us and have a plan for each of us.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths".

Look to God and Live: Richele Gudmunson and Melissa Bowers

I was going to save one of these for another week, but they fit so well together that I am posting both of them. Melissa is a friend from my days in Young Womens. Richele is my friend from our North Logan days. After reading their contributions I found this talk Look to God and Live by President Monson that addresses not only loss of a loved one, but all of the struggles we may be called to pass through. 

Melissa: Drake Brandon
As a wife and mother raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints from birth, when I went through a tragedy the first thing I turned to was my beliefs. On April 10th 2007, my little angel was born. Drake Brandon. The night before I noticed he was not moving and after a prayer and a blessing, we were prompted to go to the hospital. Drake was born 4 weeks early. He was born with congenital acute myeloid leukemia. There are less than 100 documented cases of this happening. He lived for a short 13 hours of which were full of tests and procedures to get his life stable. I had a brief 5 minutes with him while he was alive which are the most precious 5 minutes of my life. The closest to heaven that I ever felt outside of the temple. A little before 6:30 pm our doctor came into our room with bad news. My sweet husband wheeled me to the nicu where our son was surrounded by nurses and doctors pumping his heart and putting breath in his lungs. As a mother I did not want them to stop. I wanted them to do CPR and respiratory breathing until he was doing it on his own but I knew that would never be the case. The veil was so thin. Heaven was so close. With the prompting,of my husband and the holy ghost, I knew we had to tell the doctors to stop. BUt how do you tell the dr to stop knowing that this little infant was going to return to the other side? That was the hardest and saddest moment of my entire life.
Now here I am, almost 5 years later. I have had 2 beautiful healthy children since Drake and I am currently pregnant with #6. Not a day goes by when I do not think of Drake, but he gives me strength every day to live the way I am supposed to so I can remain worthy enough to be his mother someday.
Without the knowledge that I have, that tragedy would have consumed me. I wouldn't know where to turn, how to pray, I would seek comfort in all the wrong ways. But I turned to my Father in Heaven who never ever left me alone during this time. I turned to my sweet husband, and my family. I trusted in the Lord and had complete faith that this was Drakes mission.
I can not think of one exact scripture or talk that helped me thorough this, but instead I think of my testimony that has grown through the years because of the scriptures and talks. And I am ever so grateful to have the precious gospel in my life. It's my rock and my strength. And I certainly find strength in speaking and hearing other stories of trial and triumph from other women. We are all united in a way, living and teaching our living children so we can all be first in line to be reunited with our little angels someday. And I can not wait.

Richele: Jacob's Story
I want to share with you our sweet little Jacob's story with the hopes it may help some one else who is going through something similar:
After much pushing from Heavenly Father, this last October/November Justin and myself decided to submit to his will not ours and knew it was time for us to have another baby even though we wanted to be done. Sure enough I was with child right away. Having had sugery to remove my thyriod almost 2 years ago due to cancer, I was nervous but hopeful, feeling like Heavenly Father knew what he was doing( and recalling we were to have another boy was what I was told by the spirit after our son Erik was born; 2 girls later it was time for another boy.) At 14 weeks along I was told by the spirit with no question about it his name was to be Jacob. At 15 weeks I went for my regular check up and no heart beat was found, I was sent to the hospital for an ultrasound and still no heart beat, our Jacob had died most likely 2 weeks prior too. Thoughts ran through my head if he were already dead why was I told his name by the spirit, why is this happening to me, I thought all sorts of questions like that( which I think is normal.) A week later it was determined the baby was too big to pass at 16 weeks I was admitted to the hospital to be induced so I could deliver him. Our jacob's spirit was with me the whole time and for about a week after. After 6 hours of labor I delievered him and was able to hold his tiny little body which was 4 1/2 inches long and 20 grams, I was able to see his tiny little fingers and toes and that yes he was a boy. The hospital gave be a satin blue box with white lace and a white rose on it, inside the box was Jacob's footprints, his measurements, an angel pin, info on support groups, a photo album( in which I put all his ulrasound pictures from when he still was alive) and a ltlle burb rag/ blanket that they had wrapped him up in after he was born.
What a hard very spiritual experience this has been, some scripture and quotes that have gotten me through this are :
"Look To God and Live." George Durrant
1 Ne. 1:20 But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance"
The knowledge that families are Forever,
D&C 68: 6 Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come.,
This quote by Pres. Thomas S. Monson " Be of Good Cheer the future is as bright as your faith."
and last but not least "Trust in the Lord" I have all these written down and put in Jacob's memory box.