Change in LDS Policy: A Commitment to a Perfect God, not to Perfect Comprehension.

As many of you know, the LDS church just came out with a new policy regarding same-sex marriages and the children of those marriages. 

I’m going to be frank; I was not only surprised, but confused and hurt by the new policies. And the eruption of my Facebook feed proved that I was not the only one caught off guard. Many expressed intense anger and hurt over the new policy. Many slandered the church while others proudly stated how grateful they were for having already left it. I’ve had many people ask why I need leaders of the church to help me make up my mind. Others have asked me if I don’t have my own “moral compass” demanding to know why must I let a group of old, white men think for me. I’ve been accused of being brain-washed while others just think I’m a blind, foolish follower. Many have asked me why I choose to stay. I cannot judge these people for their responses or reactions. Heaven knows I have my own concerns and unanswered questions. But I choose to stay, not just in membership, but in faith and confidence; and I’ll tell you why. 

I stay because the gospel has saved my life. I stay because the counsel and direction of the leaders of this church— that I have received over 24 years— have brought me security and assurance when the world offered nothing but ever-changing, convenient truths. I stay because when I have strayed away from the counsels and guidance of the leaders of the church, I found only excruciating pain and unquenchable thirst for peace. 

I will be the first to admit I do not understand all the reasons behind these new policies. But I do not presume to think my understanding is whole. I know my thoughts are not God’s; to believe my logic could even approximate the true nature of his designs would be my demise. Operating under such logic, I would surely find a faulty God and a fallen church. 

I stay because I have learned over the years that while I do not understand all the direction that I receive from church leaders, I’ve found peace and stability in harkening to that counsel. Only when I have decided to guide myself, on my own, have I found despair and fear. I stay because I sustain the leaders of the church, and fully believe they are led by my God. I do not need all the answers. Do I want them? Of course. Do I seek them out diligently? Absolutely. 

In this, I do not deny the pain and hurt I feel because of this new policy. My heart aches. It aches for my dear friends who will feel further ostracized from the church they love. I hurt for the good people who— because of confusing or difficult policies— will leave the church in doubt or anger. I ache for the wonderful people— gay and straight— who will not know how to reconcile this decision with their faith. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your families.

My heart aches and my mind races with questions. But I will not toss aside years of faithful and sound guidance because a policy arises that I don’t immediately understand. My trust in God and his servants is greater than my confidence in myself. This is not blind faith; they have proven themselves worthy of my trust. I would love to understand fully and completely the reasons for and nature of this new policy. But, my commitment to the church or my faith in its leaders will not be diminished if I don’t receive immediately what I would wish to know. God does not own me an explanation; I owe Him my everything.

The Supreme Court's Ruling: A Call for Compassion and Civility in Conversations.

Being on vacation, I’ve not been on Facebook much at all. But this morning when I logged on, I was overwhelmed (some of that including friends’ engagements; like, when did they even start dating?!). But mostly, it had to do with a barrage of posts regarding the Supreme Court’s decision to recognize same-sex marriages nation wide. If I am completely honest, I have very mixed feelings on this topic and decision. But this is my Facebook post, so what the heck; let’s get real. 

Firstly, I want to point out that I am speaking for myself; the beliefs here are entirely my own. I’m not a perfect person; but I do strive for balanced understanding in everything I address. I think extremist ideologies are what drive us apart. There are far too many “I’m right, you’re wrong; shut up” mentalities regarding this topic; and frankly it is disheartening to see so many people unwilling to be civil, respectful, or compassionate. 

Part of me is glad for the Supreme Court’s decision. I believe in equality with all my heart. I believe that all should be treated fairly and respectfully. My religious convictions aside (because I strongly believe in the separation of church and state), I think marriage equality within governmental institutions should be extended to all individuals who support, uphold, and participate in and under that governmental institution. So in a way, I do support gay marriage as I think those responsible citizens of our country deserve the right to marry by the civic system they are part of. 

Now some of my friends are probably panicking at this moment questioning my religious understanding of the doctrine of marriage. People; I understand it. I know I don’t understand it perfectly, but I do know this: Whether or not you believe it was initially an institution divinely appointed under God’s direction; it has since become a very civil or governmental institution as well. Even within the LDS church we recognize two forms of martial union; both civic (meaning being registered in the state and country) and religious (which has much more lasting and eternal implications than tax-deductions or property impartment). 

The Supreme Court’s decision to recognize marriage allows same-sex marriages the right to be recognized under this civically institutionalized marriage. What does that mean? It means a right to all the civic benefits of marriage. The rights that the forefathers of this nation and the constitution intended to extend to all; as all are created equal. I believe the Supreme Court’s ruling to be in accordance with this ideology of equality. 

At the same time, the Supreme Court’s decision will not impact divinely institutionalized marriage. I know there are some who believe this will change within the church based on other significant, historic changes. However, the doctrine of family is one thing that will not change with time or rotation of church leaders. I hope those who read this do not feel that my religious beliefs suggest that I do not recognize the very real, personal, and deep experience and struggle of those who try to find reconciliation between their same-sex attraction and religious/spiritual beliefs. I offer my support, love, respect and compassion to all who experience these attractions; no matter what their beliefs, preferences, and actions may be. I would hope for the same respect, love, and compassion for my beliefs and preferences in return. 

Many of my more conservative friends are also in a panic as they feel the gay community will now wreak havoc on religious institutions in their agenda to get revenge on those who have ever oppressed or opposed them. While there are some in the gay community who have an agenda of “revenge” (probably stemming from years of rejection and emotional wounds), I think the vast majority are really seeking to be seen as equals in society. I have close gay friends; many of whom do not care about others’ religious convictions, so long as those convictions don’t infringe on the rights of others who many not share those convictions.

However, I also know there are some who seem bent on making clear their defiance of religion by insulting, attacking, and attempting to restrict freedoms of religions or other institutions who do believe in and support traditional marriage. And I would be lying if I said that this wasn’t a concern of mine. I know there are some who try to push their personal beliefs regarding gay marriage on churches, religious doctrines, and also organizations affiliated with those religious institutions (like BYU). 

I said before that I fully believe in the separation of church and state; but I feel like a lot of people struggle in their relationship with this balance. Many religious people are okay with a close relationship with religion and state; when they have the upper hand. This is when non-traditional or minority groups struggle with the “closer” relationship of church and state. But when other groups have the upper hand and could affect religious institutions or practices; the religious seem less keen on the close relationship between church and state. 

I would hope that we could all be more compassionate and understanding of others’ beliefs and practices. Yes; I’m talking to BOTH sides here. It is not our place to use compulsory means to make others’ bend to our convictions. It is unbecoming of us to compel others to agree with us; be that in religious, political, ideological, philosophical, or spiritual domains. Are those who disagree with you wrong? Maybe. But maybe not quite as wrong as you think they are. I invite you to step outside your comfort zone and consider this issue from as many different perspectives as possible. As long as you are unwilling to seek a more holistic understanding; you are not a benefit to the conversation or discussion. We have plenty of loud, one-sided voices screaming their thoughts on the issue. Step up. Educate yourselves; in politics, religion, and in realizing your perspective can’t possibly be the only one that makes sense or has reason. If we can do this; and allow ourselves to see the humanity from every angle of this issue; I think the compassion, empathy, and understanding we gain will enable us to no longer consider this discussion an “issue”, but a conversation. And I think it could be a very healing and powerful conversation at that.

Transgenderism: Acknowledging Our Limitations.

So apparently I was way behind on some big transgender issue that was happening with some famous guy who is now a famous woman. I feel that this is being blown WAY out of proportion (on both extremes) and I know this is going to be considered very controversial given the great diversity of thought among those I associate with. I admit I am not a professional, but this is something I have studied probably more than most of you (exceptions; you probably know who you are). I know this has the potential to be the most controversial thing I’ve posted, but I expect you to all be civil; even if you don’t agree with everything said. That being said, here goes.

I have a lot to say about this issue. Firstly, as a student of gender studies, transgenderism is much more complicated than many are alluding to. Many are conveying an idea that this guy just decided one day that he wanted to be a women, so he changed his name, had some surgeries and boom: thus he became female. Issues of gender congruence or incongruence (including transgenderism) are much more complicated than anything as simple as physical manifestation of gender. Gender (and gender congruence) is a intricate interplay of biology, identity, and attraction. We do not yet fully understand these interactions and origins. Any claim to a perfect knowledge of such is completely biased, flawed, and unfounded and therefore has no place in this discourse. 

Many people who do not well understand these issues regarding gender try to simplify it or merely consider it from their biased (and in this case experience-less) perspective. Many try to make it as simple as a conscientious choice; because they believe in God and agency. But do any of us remember a moment that we decided: “You know, I think I’m just going to be a boy/girl. That is what I will be.” 

Transgenders are often criticized or feared because of a common misconception that they believe in no real differentiation between genders or gender roles. However; quite the opposite is true. Transgenders very much understand those gender roles (in fact, they’ve probably spent a great deal more time than you or I consciously considering those seemingly dichotomous roles of gender); but they find themselves in deep conflict when their outward/physical manifestations of gender are the complete opposite of the one they feel they are internally. It would be like you waking up tomorrow embodied as your opposite gender. Wouldn’t you feel unnatural and out of place?

Many are saying that God would not make a transgendered person. However, did God really create this man’s (or woman’s) body and brain? I would argue that He didn’t. While I believe deeply in God’s creative powers, my mortal body was the product of the two fallen, mortal humans that are my parents. They are imperfect people in an imperfect world. Since the fall of Adam, the human family has fallen from it’s divine, perfect state. God is perfect and does not create imperfect things. In the beginning, He created a paradisiacal world and the two humans He placed there were perfect for a time. It was only after human choice and error were introduced that our flesh became corrupt. 

So while God does play an important role in the creation of life, it is mere mortals that bring it about. We say He would not create something as blasphemous as a transgender, yet there are hundreds of thousands in the world with different gender-related problems. These include hermaphroditism (people born with both male and female parts). What about those? Or those with XXY, XXX, or XXYY chromosomes? Do we blame these on God? No, we recognize them as incongruencies or anomalies that occur in prenatal development. We also have people born with all manner of diseases and trials. Did God make them that way? Not necessarily. We are subject to all manner of human fallibility in this life for which we do not blame God for “creating”. I don’t think transgenderism is any different. 

Church leaders have said we understand so little of this issue of transgenderism. Just a few months ago by Elder Oaks regarding transgenderism: "I think we need to acknowledge that while we have been acquainted with lesbians and homosexuals for some time, being acquainted with the unique problems of a transgender situation is something we have not had so much experience with, and we have some unfinished business in teaching on that." 

Please, be compassionate. Do not assume your limited experience or perceived knowledge of God’s whole plan and purposes are so sure. While I completely believe in and support the doctrines of the LDS church regarding gender, the church does not attempt to make a claim to understand the issue of transgenderism. So please don’t operate under the faulty assumption that you’ve figured it out.

Prayer: Recognizing His Hand - Part 3

I’m going to continue on with this theme of prayer. Soon after beginning the first post about prayer, I realized that there were multiple areas I wanted to address. Two of them I was able to get underway rather quickly, but two seemed to just sit in my ideas folder. I had some things I wanted to say, but didn’t yet feel ready to address them; something was missing.

Well, one of these came clear to me a couple of weeks ago, and it’s been hard not to smile whenever I recall the experience. The experience I had involved a powerful recognition of God’s hand. But before I share that experience, I wanted to return back to Interstellar, which as you’ve probably noticed by my first and second post on prayer, had a great impact on me and was a catalyst in my addressing prayer.  

I won’t give a full recount of the storyline; so if you want a refresher, check out my first post on prayer here and while you’re at it; you can check out the second part here.

Cooper decided to leave his family and earth to find a way to save humanity; because the earth has been overworked and is dying. He left his kids to find and be able to offer them a brighter future; or really, any future at all. His children, young as they were when he left, didn’t fully understand his responsibility and mission. His daughter even felt abandoned and forgotten. As her father’s time away continued without communication, she became more and more bitter and resentful towards him, while still hopeful he would return. She wanted to know he was out there; to know he was still a part of her life and that he was still there for her.

Years passed, Murphy still found no comfort or solace. However, the emptiness she felt regarding her father’s presence or influence was not because they were not present. In fact, her father was trying very hard to communicate with her. The problem was that Murphy failed to recognize the evidences for what they were. Though she wanted and was hopeful for evidence and support; she was not looking for them as she ought. So Murphy tried to move forward on her own; relying wholly upon her own intelligence and trusting in other mortal men around her who she thought could help her solve the problems of human existence and salvation.

However, as is always the case with those who try to rely on themselves alone (as I know through personal experience) there comes a time when we realize our efforts— even our best efforts— will fall short; dismally short. We crumble under the weight and sink into despair. The same happened with Murphy; she was crushed; devastated. Her despair turned into greater resentment of her father; reaffirming her belief that he had really abandoned them to destruction.

But this debilitating realization that could have led to her demise eventually led to her salvation. It was at this point that she realized that she could do nothing more. When we come to acknowledge that we are powerless on our own, we suddenly become much more willing to look for other solutions or supports; not matter where they may come from or what form they may take. In a way, we seek faith in something greater than ourselves. In a way, we are finally willing to open our eyes; to seek as we ought.

Murph finally recognizes her father's influence around her. 

This is when Murphy began to see; when she realized her inability to do more alone and reached out in faith-- limited though it was-- for something greater than herself. She could now noticed the evidences; she could now comprehend the directions. Once she did, her inner fire of hope-- which had been dwindling for years-- burst back into flame. Signs began to show up everywhere; she searched her past and her present, finding her father’s hand in everything that had happened that had led her to that moment and that would lead her to save herself and many others.

A few weeks ago I had a similar experience. I am currently in a Doctrine and Covenants class at BYU. While reading in section 100, I came across the following in verse 12:

“Therefore, continue in your journey and let your hearts rejoice; for behold, and lo, I am with you even unto the end.”

Upon reading it, a feeling of comfort came over me. But along with that comfort came a nostalgic familiarity with the verse. I felt as though this verse had been important to me in some “other” life. So I went to the scriptures I had used during one of those “other” lives; my seminary scriptures. We had studied from the Doctrine and Covenants during my freshman year. As I began to flip through that older set of scriptures, I came to this same verse. It was mostly highlighted in orange; though it also had some read, green, and blue; not to mentioned underlined in both black and read with a couple of random red stars as well.

So apparently this verse had been pretty significant to me at some point. I didn’t have notes on why that might be, so I decided to peruse other parts of my seminary D&C scriptures. As I did, I noticed that only two types of verses were highlighted’ scripture mastery verses and what I’m now calling my “comfort verses”; these verses that conveyed in some way, God’s love, presence, and constancy. Many of them speak as this one does of His being ever by my side. Many speak of His loving nature, His willingness to support me, and His promise never to abandon me. This “comfort verses” have brought me so much peace and comfort; especially through the more discouraging moments of my life.

However, I was drawn to all of these verses in jr. high, before I knew I had a testimony of the gospel or before I even understood the nature of my own shortcomings and weaknesses. I found myself marking these scriptures even before I had really begun to contemplate the trials or hardships that life would bring. I was doing this before I had ever personally read the Book of Mormon (or any scriptural text); and still had not develop faith or a testimony in the power of scripture.

Over the course of the years, my attention was pulled from Doctrine and Covenants to the Book of Mormon and the Bible. I soon forgot the verses I had found in the Doctrine and Covenants. Let me rephrase that; I stopped reading these verses, but somehow the concepts and truths of those verses stayed with me. As life progressed, so did the trials that were to be mine. And with those trials came discouragement, fear, hopelessness, and helplessness. 

In a General Conference a few years ago, Elder Scott conveyed simply and beautiful (as Elder Scott tends to do with everything) what these scriptures have become for me: “Scriptures are like packets of light that illuminate our minds and give place to guidance and inspiration from on high. They can become the key to open the channel to communion with our Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ.”

I unknowingly found comfort in some of these concepts in the darkest moments of my life. Sometimes I failed to remember these truths and suffered or ached more than God has intended; all because I was unwilling to remember the powerful truths he had given me. I had forgotten these “packets of light” as Elder Scott has called the verses of scripture that offer strength, comfort, and guidance amidst trial and heartache.

However, it was not until a few weeks that I realized that my being drawn to these verses was not a matter of happenstance; it was intentional. For years I have attributed my being drawn to these verses as just an inconsequential interest in a concept. But this could not be further from the truth. There was nothing coincidental at all about it. It was God. It was His hand that led me to these verses. It was His influence that called to me and beckoned me to find refuge and comfort in His words. The moment this dawned on me, the moment I realized that these were purposeful manifestations of God’s hand; I couldn’t contain my gratitude and wonder.

He was aware of me; not only now; but He was aware of me long before I was aware of Him or His guiding hand in my life. He understood the trials, fears, and pains I would face and was doing all He could to convey to me the foundational truths of His unwavering  love that would give me the confidence to stand again when I fell. He was tirelessly communicating His ever-present nature that would help me to feel Him there, even when no one else could be. He was conveying his undeviating constancy that assured me that at least He would never forsake me. All of this and more, He gave me; all by quietly, subtly leading an confused, unaware and mid-pubescent boy; who was completely and totally oblivious to the mighty influence that was working on and within him. 

As I realized this, my understanding of God's power and love seemed to stretch beyond what I had ever comprehended. And with that increased understanding of His workings through subtle mediums, I became much more aware of the small things; the seemingly insignificant impressions or thoughts that come so faintly to my mind. Because it was these—and continues to be— the simple, peaceful, almost imperceptible impressions that have been the most life-sustaining and life-altering influences in my own life. And as I have done this, I've found God was leading me, guiding me, healing me, helping me, and speaking to me much more than I ever thought He was. 

Prayer: Dialogue with the Divine - Part 2

In my last post, I began to address some of my thoughts on prayer. I wanted to address another aspect of prayer. This understanding has been a long time coming and I try every day to better practice it in my own prayers. Today I want to talk about dialogue. The dictionary defined dialogue as “a conversation between two or more people” This seems pretty straightforward, and maybe it was and is for a lot of people. But in all honesty, it isn’t that way for me. It has never been. Now, I’ve been a member my entire life. I was raised by faithful parents. They taught me to pray and we had family prayer regularly. It’s not that I didn’t know what the act of prayer was. My confusion lay deeper. I didn’t understand the nature of prayer or really how to go about it.

About a year ago I was going through a particularly frustrating phase in my life. I went out with a friend one evening and began to vent about my many frustrations. After patiently listening to my rant for about 30 minutes, he calmly asked me a question:

“Hey Lee, how are prayers?”

I was taken aback by this. Had he not been listening to anything I had just been saying? What did my prayers have to do with anything? Wanting him to get to his point and explain himself, I indulged him. I told him I was praying. I prayed everyday; normally multiple times a day; morning, meal times, in class, and evening.

“Good for you. But I guess I’m asking what are your prayers like? How do you pray and how do you feel when you pray?”

I was a little bit confused. “I’m pretty sure I pray like everyone" (I was probably sounding a little defensive in this response). :Like, the normal way.”

He asked me what that looked like for me. I told him that I first addressed God, thanked him for the blessings in my life and asked him for what I felt I needed at that time.

Having a relationship with God is a lot like having a relationship with anyone else. He said that I should try and talk to him as I would talk to someone else. I was again taken aback. That was not at all the way I had learned to pray. I felt as though he was suggesting I take the formality out of my prayer; and in a way, he was. I still didn’t know how to pray the way my friend was suggesting. He decided he would demonstrate. He began to repeat much of what I had said to him when I was letting him know how frustrating and difficult the past weeks had been:

“Heavenly Father, the past few weeks have been really hard. I’ve been really angry with some of the people around me. I was really hurt by so and so last week. And I spent hours studying for that test and i did really bad on it, despite all my hard work. That sucked. I hated myself after it. I’m angry with myself that I did so badly and beat myself up about it, even now. I don’t want to anymore. I want to be able to let go of my anger. Father, I’m really stressed about my relationship with so and so. I’m so afraid things won’t work out. But I want so badly for things to go well with her.”

Tears came to my eyes as I sat in awe, staring at my friend. How did he do that? I don’t know if the words above can convey the feeling that was in them as he gave this simple demonstration for me. But it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard.

Upon reflecting on this moment over the weeks that followed, I realized at least in part why I found it so beautiful. It was the feeling and impression that I got as he said these words; a very strong conviction that even God--creator of all-- cared about these seemingly insignificant aspects of my daily life. He cared about my minor pains and fears. He had concern for my daily stress and frustration. Not only did he know and care about these; but he wanted me to talk to him about them. I felt that He wanted to be my first source of venting these pains and frustrations.

In Interstellar, this is something that is easy for Tom (Cooper’s son) to do. Having lived with and cultivated a personal, tangible relationship with his father for years before Cooper went to space. He knew that his father was interested in the details of his life. Having established that relationship over the course or years, it was not difficult for him to talk about anything with his father in his messages. No topic was too menial or unimportant.

The same is true of our Heavenly Father. Living in a fallen world that divides us from His immediate presence can make this type of relationship seem less tangible or personal. When in truth, our relationship with God has the potential to be deepest, most intimate, and most satisfying relationship we develop in this life. He wants to hear us. He wants us to talk to him about what is on our minds. If it is important to us, it is important to him.

This was always a hard thing for me to understand. I have struggled for to try wrap my mortal mind around the concept of God’s love and attention. It has been hard for me to understand how he could know and love me, while he knew and loved the billions and billions of people around me. It didn’t make sense. And even if God loved me, I found it hard to understand how he could have time for me. With quality time as one of my love languages, it has been hard on my relationship with God. But a friends some time years ago let me know that God spoke all the love languages; even my language of quality time. That was what I needed. I guess I’ve known that God always knows what I need and what is going on, but I wanted to tell Him. I wanted Him to listen to me as I spoke with Him. I wanted to know He was making time for me, even with His many other children and responsibilities. I wanted Him to be with me, instead of just knowing me. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I wanted His time; time to be with me, talk with me, and really listen to me. And (while I will probably go into more depth about this another time), this also meant that I had to be willing to give Him my time.

Over the last nine months, I’ve done a fairly good job at writing in my journal on a daily basis (yes, I am proud of this accomplishment). It has obviously been a worth-while endeavor, but there are a few experiences in particular that have made it a life-changing project.

A few weeks ago, I was having a particularly rough day. I was frustrated, sad, and anxious about a number of things. That night when I got home, I did something I’ve only ever done a couple times in my life; I wrote a prayer. The only thing I wrote in my journal that night was a prayer. The prayer was simple and straightforward. I did as my friend had demonstrated and talked about what was on my mind and how I was feeling. I realized that as I did this, I didn’t so much care for God to fix it, but I noticed how much peace I felt just getting it out.

Still struggling to believe that He was really listening to my prayers, I decided to say a prayer after finishing in my journal. My verbal prayer was short. I really only asked for one thing: I wanted my Heavenly Father to read my prayer. I wanted Him to see the words I had written, as I had written them. I finished my prayer and went to bed.

A few days later, I was in the library doing homework, when I felt the impression to take time to write in my journal. I opened my journal and began to write when I very clearly felt the presence of the Spirit with the words:

“Every. Single. Word.”

Prayer allows us direct communication The Divine.

It took only a few seconds for me to make sense of it. But quickly my mind turned back to days before when I had earnestly asked my Father in Heaven to take time to read my prayer from my journal; and He had. His answer was clear and left no room for doubt in my mind. He was there. He was listening -- and reading-- every word I offered Him in sincerity. He did so because He wants to, not because He had to. He did it because it was important to Him; because it was important to me. He did it, and continues to do it, because few things bring Him more joy than knowing that His children want to talk with Him and want to know He listens. I promise that He wants to hear from you. I promise that He wants to talk to you. And I promise that He listens to you; every. single. word.

Prayer: Doubts in the Distance - Part 1

This thought has been mulling over in my mind for months. I can actually pinpoint the moment I began to contemplate it.

Have you seen Interstellar? I’ve seen it; twice, actually. The first time, I saw it alone. I know; one of those people. But it’s true; I went to a movie by myself. . . on Thanksgiving Day. . . I promise I have friends and family that love me. I was visiting some of my siblings and their families in Washington DC over the holiday. They had let me know before I flew out there that they wanted to see MockingJay while I was there. I was fine with that, but ended up seeing it with my dad just two days before I went to DC. As good as MockingJay was, I was not feeling the need to see it 48 hours after I had already seen it. So they all went to see MockingJay, and I had heard good things about Interstellar, so I decided to go see that instead.

Some of you haven’t seen it. Some of you probably saw it, but are even less aware of what happened than before you saw it (which seems to be Christopher Nolan’s trademark). Some of you don’t need a refresher, but you’ll just have to bear with me while I give some Interstellar background. I will try not to spoil anything significant:

In the future, a crop blight has caused civilization to regress into a failing agrarian society. Former NASA pilot Cooper (Matthew McConaughey) runs a farm with his family. Through a series of events I won’t go into now, NASA's "Lazarus missions" have identified three potentially habitable worlds orbiting a black hole and sent scout astronauts who surveyed them. NASA recruits Cooper to pilot the spacecraft Endurance to recover the astronauts' data; if one of the planets is habitable, humanity will follow on space stations. Cooper's departure devastates his children-- particularly Murphy (his daughter) -- and they part on bad terms.

However, the space shuttle was equipped with a transmitter and receiver that allowed the astronauts to communicate via video clips with their families on earth. You see the joy and relief  in Cooper’s face as he sees his family in the videos they have sent from earth. You see his excitement and joy as his son tell him of his hobbies, activities, schooling, and dating. You also see him ache as his daughter-- still upset with him leaving them-- refuses to ever send him a video message.

As they get closer to the black hole, they experience severe gravitational time dilation. In other words, time is distorted and moves much more quickly than it does on earth. On one particular planet, each hour on the surface is seven years on earth. In an unfortunate mishap, they get grounded on the surface of the planet longer than they had anticipated. By the time they return to the shuttle, 23 years have passed on earth. Upon realizing this, Cooper goes directly to the video receiver to watch the messages his family had left during that time. Unfortunately, the shuttle’s transmitter was disabled; so while they are able to receive video, they are now unable to send any messages back to earth.

Cooper watches each video. At this point, all of them sent by his son Tom (Cooper’s father-in-law, who had also sent videos occasionally, had passed away). Cooper listens as Tom talks about his experiences as he starts to date, marries, and begins his own family. Cooper is overjoyed to see Tom’s progress but is sadden that He was not able to be there with his son as he made these steps in his life. As the videos continue,more time lapses between each recorded message. Cooper learns that Tom’s first child died in infancy. With time, Tom’s countenance changes. He seems to be anxious and unsure about the future. Not having received a return message from his father in years, he begins to wonder if he is still there; if he is still listening. Even though Tom has not heard from his father in years, he hold on to the hope that he might soon. But as time goes one, he begins to doubt. He begins to believe what others have said: that his father is dead; that no one is hearing his messages.

Cooper watches video messages from his son.

As Tom is explaining this on the video; talking through his doubts and struggles, believing that nobody is really listening anymore, you see how distraught Cooper is. It pains him to see the suffering his son  has undergone. He aches as his son loses faith and hope before his own eyes. He weeps as he is unable to be with his son or let him know he is still there. And then the video receiver goes blank. It would prove to be the last time Cooper would hear from his son Tom.

This is it. This for me was an incredibly emotional, eye-opening experience. I was grateful that I had the opportunity to see this and experiences it on my own, because of what it allowed me to feel: this was my relationship with God; this was my experience with prayer.

I may, in the next post (which I will hopefully get up in a few days), talk about my history with prayer. But today, I’m going to address this aspect of it. I apologize in advance if I don’t give all the details, but I will give enough to hopefully make it relatable.

After returning from my mission, I hit a rough phase. After knowing exactly what I was supposed to do for two years-- I like many other returned missionaries-- felt discouraged, unfulfilled, and unsure of what direction to go. I was not clear as various aspects of schooling, work, dating, and relationships in general. I was unsure even as to what I needed to focus on or what my purpose was to be at this stage in my life. Many had told me it was “my time”. My time to progress, grow, study, learn, and earn. But that seemed hollow to me.

During this time too, I felt as though the trials of my life seemed to redouble their efforts and I struggled to find refuge from the constant onslaught of my adversaries. It seemed I couldn’t get away from them and at times found myself weakening under their weight.

As a missionary, I had taught many of the power of prayer. I myself had felt it’s power, but almost always in the context of someone else’s life. During my mission, my focus was not myself. So my prayer were always for others or for me to better help others. I was not very good at praying for my own needs at this point. But I began to try. I would pray that God give me some time to figure life out before I was weighed down with trials. I wanted time to get back on my feet and brace myself for the storms that were to come.

But it didn’t happen. The storms didn’t cease; the waves didn’t calm. I was still waiting for Christ to calm the seas around me, but as well as I could see, the waves and winds were as turbulent as ever. I began to feel discouraged. I started to wonder if I had done something to offend God. Maybe He was upset with me and punishing me. Maybe He had grown tired of listening to me. Unsure of what had happened or why I couldn’t feel Him or get answers to my prayers.

Without answers to prayers showing up, I began to questions prayer. What was the point of asking, if God either was too apathetic, angry, or “wise” to answer. If He knows what He is going to do, there wasn’t much reason for my input. My petitions became less fervent and faith-filled. My prayers became less frequent and faithful. I felt God either didn’t care or wasn’t listening to me anymore. Feeling abandoned, I began to abandon Him.

Like Cooper’s son Tom, I waited. I wanted, so badly to hear from my Father. I left “messages”, but didn’t feel as though I was getting any response to them. Like Tom, I began to doubt the purpose of those messages. Many of us, if not all, have asked at one time or another why we may not get answers to our prayers.

This question was addressed by Elder David A. Bednar in a seminar some time ago. A returned missionary asked why so many people can feel so close and connected to God, but then later feel unsure of His will or what He wants them to do. They don't feel Him close or His answers at hand, and may wonder why they can't feel His presence as powerfully or as frequently as they once did.

Elder Bednar said that these times of apparent darkness or distance in our lives can really be a demonstration of God's great trust in us. Elder Bednar suggests that maybe God knows we don't need those impressions as frequently or as powerfully as once we did; maybe He just trusts us to do what is right.

There are so many things with prayer that I could address and want to. This is my first attempt at a two-part post. Hopefully it bodes well. But for now, just hold with me on this one truth; that even though we are unable to see our Father, or at times unable to feel with fervor that He is near; watchful and listening, I testify He is.

Like Cooper, our Heavenly Father listens intently to each and every message we send him. He joys in our successes and triumphs, He praises our growth and progress. In the same way, He aches for our pains; He weeps at our suffering. Nothing is as extruciatingly painful to our Heavenly Father than to see and feel our faith and hope in Him dwindle and our connection with Him wane.

He is there; ever watchful and full of love. It is only as we come to understand His true purpose and nature can we really begin to trust Him and His intentions. Only then can we feel that He is with us, even when we cannot see His face before us.