The Perfect Window...................

The view from my girls' bedroom window is particularly special. Even more so in the evenings. If you catch the timing just perfectly to the West you can see the colorful sunset over our neighborhood. And to the East there is a complete view of the entire cul-de-sac we live on. It's not a view that by most standards would take any ones breath away. But tonight it felt like that view was a little slice of heaven. It's a rare occasion for me to be left alone. Even leaving soccer practice this evening another dad commented to me about how "everybody needs something from mom at the same time" as he watched me navigate my three littles across the busy street at the high school to the parking lot. Just as the sun was setting in the evening hours tonight I had all the family perfectly situated elsewhere and I managed to have a few minutes to take in the view from upstairs. The sky was golden and pink and seemed like it was reflecting off of all the rooftops. There was a perfect, crispy breeze to cool my hot shoulders from a long day of swimming in our summer weather. I knelt down and rested my elbows on the window sill. Below my family started to gather. And I got to watch them. And they didn't know I was there. And I watched them be sweet to each other. And I watched them laugh. And I watched them tell stories. And I watched them be kind to our special neighbor Greg. And I smiled the entire time I knelt in that window. And I imagined for just a small moment what it must be like for our loved ones to watch us from heaven. And how happy it must feel to see our happiness. The honest truth is this moment was brief. But profound. It didn't take long for them to remember we hadn't fed Pippa. And they all came running, calling for me. As it usually happens with life, I feel like I have been drifting if a turbulent tornado with one obstacle after another followed by a hugely dramatic interaction. And it makes me tired. So it felt even sweeter, this view from my perfect window. I wrapped it up, and tucked it away. I hope to pull out that little gift again when I need hope. P.S. This is the view of and old sunset from my backyard. I just want to remember the colors always and forever.

It Comes Down to People................

This is an old picture. Around Christmas. And the picture itself is far from perfect. But the sentiment is fresh. I am grateful tonight for friendships. And the fact that in my home, we welcome whole families as friends. I am so lucky that we are able to spend time with others who are just plain easy to be around. Easy means peace. Easy means joy. Easy means inspiring and collaborating. Easy means talking it out. Talking everything out. I have said it before, I don't know how I was so blessed to be able to run in the circles at work, at my children's' school, and at church, with the very best people the entire planet Earth has to offer. This picture portrays all of those families, all of those amazing people, that I would gladly slay dragons for. So it comes down to the people. These people I love and who I get to have future family friendships with. Whose children I am excited to be a part of their growing up. Knowing all the while that bumps in the roads, and geography, and dynamic circumstances and even strangers may temporarily invite friction. But have faith, the easy-ness always returns.

A Case of the Happies........................

I am super easy. Easy to make happy. I find the simple things to make me smile the very, very most. Like that little one above. We hit the zoo with her kindergarten class. I loved every second of it. Excited kids, no crowds, animals out like crazy, and a beautiful sunshiny morning. Bliss! And who can resist that wild 80's rock hair she sports? It's just not tamable. And that's the way she likes it. So I like it to. Although I am sure the actual candidates for mother of year get chest pain when they see her hairdo. Whatever, right?

You know what else makes me happy? An iPhone with fully functioning sounds. Yesterday, for almost the whole day, my iPhone stopped making sounds for alerts such as email and texts, stopped being able to play music or the sound on videos. It seems so silly, but I almost lost my mind over it. Truly. On top of all the work readjustments, a night full of vomiting children followed by a day of massive amounts of laundry, I just wanted something to be easy. I just wanted my phone to work. So I googled, and read, and googled and read all these things people had tried. And I tried them all. Finally when big daddy woke up, I told him the last thing I haven't tried yet, using a toothbrush with rubbing alcohol to brush over the docking port. So with nothing to lose, Big Daddy scrubbed out my docking port (sounds so dirty!!!) and to my surprise and DELIGHT, my phone began working again. Praise the heavens above!!! Start texting me people! I'm back in business!!!

I wish blogger would let you hear my boy speak. He has an awesome, awesome, raspy, crackley voice. I am not joking you when I tell you how cool it is. So when you add this amazing rasp, and Napoleon Dynamite quotes coming from a 3 year old, you have one, happy, happy mama. All of my favorite things coming together. In a trifecta of joy.

"Why don't you get out of my life and shut up!"

"Freaking idiot!"

"But my lips hurt real bad!"

"It's pretty much my favorite animal."

"Worst day of my life. What do you think?"

Priceless, wonderful entertainment. See? I'm pretty easy to make happy.

Water..................

I often imagine myself to be a tiny droplet of water. I imagine my droplet to be carried down a mountain stream, crisp, and cool, and clear and beautiful. But this tiny droplet is at the mercy of gravity pulling it steadily down the hillside, sliding over moss covered rocks and ducking under fallen trees. All the while, this droplet maintains grace and smoothness at it navigates the current between the two shores. The pull doesn't stop, the obstacles are unmoving. And the water keeps flowing downward.

It's how I see my life. I can't stop the things that have been set in motion, by power stronger than my own. But I can glide smoothly. And I can gracefully dodge the stumbling stones. Somedays I wake up full of hope for the day ahead, and by evening time I feel like I survived a waterfall. But there are recoveries to be seen, and new terrain to tackle. And the current will slow down again.

Hopefully my current will slow down again soon. As I have discovered, it is possible to feel relief and rejection simultaneously. And that in the times that we may be unimpressive and disappointing to some, we also have the answers to difficult prayers. And it can all live simultaneously in my tiny droplet in the mountain stream.

Happenings.....................

A couple of months ago, at our weekly family movie night, it happened. I looked over just in time to see my biggest girl wipe tears from her cheek during a particularly emotional part of the show. And I melted into a million drops of happiness. I hope a lot of things for my children, but above many, is the hope that they can love others. The hope that they can recognize the challenges that others may face, the quiet burdens they tackle. I hope that my children will love others despite their weaknesses. I felt like it was such a turning point in her life as a compassionate person. And in the months since, I've continued to notice how she tries to see the world from other people's eyes, what it would be like to walk a mile in their shoes. She knows when I am reaching the end of my patience and can recognize when a need a boost. So she writes me little notes to tell me I am beautiful, and nice, and the best mother in the whole world. I know this empathy will ebb and flow as she gets older. But the glimpses of a sweet and loving heart are making my chest swell with pride. I hope that my children will be kind and generous more than I hope for them to be doctors or lawyers.

How the Kids Will Remember..................

My kids are pretty hands on. Hands on everything. OK, so mostly it's that they can't keep their hands off anything. Including my phone and cameras. Which means, there are lots of pictures. LOTS of pictures. Many pictures include the ceiling, floors, random strangers, grass. I can map out our weeks activities by the scenery panoramas when I upload them.

The other thing they try to capture are pictures of me.

My pictures look like mug shots. Horrible, horrible mug shots. I could do an entire expose on before kids and after kids mom shots. Think meth addict before and afters. That's me.




I heard comments from friends that my kids are too busy. Maybe so. We do have things scheduled almost everyday. I grew up busy. I like busy. Busy feels comfortable to me on the inside.

But it doesn't' reflect well on my outside. It's a weird stage of life. I live for those chest swelling moments of pride when my kids involved and achieving. Maybe it's 16 years of night shift. Maybe it is practices, lessons, concerts, recitals and games. I don't know. But I look tired. I look frumpy. I have one pair of jeans I wear every, single, day.



Most of the time I feel OK with this. I haven't ever really been tortured by issues of self esteem. I have never liked the person I am in my guts more than I do right now. I feel smart. I feel important. I feel accomplished.

How will my children remember me? Will they remember me frazzled? Hair under a hat? Baggy sweatshirt? Will they remember all those other cute moms skinny in designer jeans, long done up hair, make up on? How will I compare?

Maybe my time is coming. Maybe when things settle down in one hundred years I will be able to go shopping. I will be able to make regular eyebrow appointments. I will spend some time at the MAC counter.

Everyday my boy says "I like you. You're a good momma." This is what I hope they remember. What they felt. What we did.

I the mean time, I will keep on deleting the mug shots.

Wednesday........

This face. This was our Wednesday.

"I hate Wednesdays." All of my littles said it. And to be honest, it was kind of a doozy. Beginning with Nana suffering an unfortunate fall, and ending up with cracked ribs. My big girl smashed her finger in a door at school. And then her desk mate got sick. All over their desks and chairs. (Anybody who knows my daughter knows this is a fate worse than death.) Even two days later she stills get tearful and tells me she can't get the image out of her mind.

But the worst part was the email. The email where it was revealed that one of big girl's classmates was losing his father to leukemia in the near future. Near future for goodness sake. There was to be a class meeting about what leukemia means, what it means to lose a parent, and how to be a good friend to someone who is so very sad. So our family read this email. And we talked. And we asked questions. We wrote letters and cards. And we thought about their family a lot.

And then the father died the next morning.

I don't know this family well. But I can only imagine their heartbreak. And as it happens with all tragedies, it forces you to reflect on your own blessings. Maybe that is where the lesson lies in loss. To learn to be grateful in the very moment. Not later. Not afterward. Not when it is too late.

So my thoughts and prayers center around this family with young children, for their comfort and care. And then my prayers finish with gratitude for our current good health, for togetherness, and for it not being to late to express it all.