Merry Christmas 2015!

This year my beautiful Maya turned 15!

 I can hardly believe it. The time really does go so fast.
 I wish she could stay little forever but I am loving what
 fun she is to have around, and what a good friend she is
 to me too.


 

 Dallin turned 13 this month on the 2nd - two teenagers!
With all the renovations and moving we didn't get to
celebrate his birthday until Christmas Eve. He didn't
seem to mind too much.

 

 

Merry Christmas Eve 2015

 

In the new house!

 

 

Happy 17th Anniversary

For our 17th anniversary we moved into the new house we bought in November on 22 Thunder Trail. After months of renovations it was nice to finally have the process semi-finished. We learned that buying a home is stressful, renovating a home is stressful, and moving is stressful (but we already knew that!). I love this man and I'm thankful that he is the one on this journey with me. It's a difficult life but it's a good life. Here's to 17 more years!

 

 

 

 

I Know the Scriptures are True

The new primary theme this year is, "I know the scriptures are true". Every primary child got a new Book of Mormon and a little bag to put it in. Ava was thrilled with her new book. She carried it around with her for days.

On Monday night she wanted to sleep with her Book of Mormon. In the middle of the night she woke up sobbing. I went into her room and she explained, "Mommy, I can't find my scriptures! I need my scriptures to keep me safe!" I found her book had fallen onto the floor. I handed it to her and she cuddled up next to it and went right back to sleep. It was the sweetest thing to see her little face next to her scriptures, completely at peace.

It was a good reminder to me and that when I'm afraid, unsure or uneasy I can seek out my scriptures too. They always bring me peace.

What I Learned From Olivia

 

Every Tuesday is park day. While the older girls go to their music lessons, I take Dallin and Ava to the park. Months ago we met a sweet little brood of siblings ages 1, 3, and 5.  They go to the park every Tuesday too- with their aunt who doesn't speak English. The oldest of the children is a cute little girl named Olivia.

 

Olivia is full of questions. She spends most of the time I am there following me around asking me things. "Is it OK if I talk to you?" "Am I bothering you?" "What is that snack you gave to Ava?" "Is that Ava's doll?" "Does Ava like dolls?" "Why doesn't Ava like it when I hug her?" etc. She used to mostly ask me questions about Ava but then she got curious about Dallin. Our first conversation about him went something like this:

 

"Is that your son?" she asked me.

"Yes." I nodded.

"How old is he?"

"He's 12."

"Oh. He's a big boy. Bigger than me."

"Yes, he is."

"How come he makes that humming sound when he swings?"

"It's the sound he makes when he is happy."
"Doesn't he know how to talk?"

"He says a few words. But mostly, no, he doesn't talk."

"Why not?"

"Because Dallin has something called Autism that makes it hard for him to do some things."

"Is it like being sick?"

"Yes. It's kind of like being sick. But you can't get sick from him. His body just doesn't work like it should."

"How did he get Autism?"

"I don't know."

"Does the doctor know?"

"No. Lots of little boys and girls have autism."

"Does another Mom know why they get autism?"

"No. No one knows why."

"How come?"

"No one has figured it out yet."

"Well, someone should find out!"

"You're right, Olivia, someone should definitely find out."

 

 

So many times the logic of children makes more sense than the logic of adults. Olivia couldn't be more right. It is ridiculous that we don't know what causes autism. There is absolutely no reason why we shouldn't know by now. But there are powerful people, in powerful positions with more money than I can imagine who don't want us to know why autism has plagued this generation. There is no other excuse for our ignorance.

 

As Autism Awareness month closes, I leave my prayers open. That someday the general public will rally around the families of children with autism. That they will speak loud enough that they are heard. That enough will be enough. That open, honest, transparency will prevail. That we will have the answers to Olivia's questions.

 

Saved

 

 

 

Dallin turned 12 last month. His twelfth birthday was a hard one for me. It's a big deal to turn 12 when you're LDS, it's a right of passage into being a young woman or a young man. The older Dallin gets, the starker the contrast between his developmental age and his body's age which matures whether or not his mind is ready.

 

Today's sacrament meeting brought those contrasts to a head.  Just as the passing of the sacrament started Dallin decided to get irked over his desire to eat all the cookies that I had brought for my primary class.  As I was trying to decide whether his outburst was serious enough for me to take him out of the meeting, a deacon handed me the sacrament tray. The disparity between Dallin's behavior and that of this reverent deacon was a little too much for me to handle.

 

I fought back the tears as I took the sacrament. The  dreaded "nevers" started to come to my mind in a steady stream.  "He's never going to pass the sacrament to me like that. He's never going to have the priesthood. He's never going to bless the sacrament. He's never going to go on a mission. He's never going to. . ."  My thoughts were cut short as Dallin's frustration peaked again and I had to escort him out of the chapel.

 

I took Dallin into the foyer and sat with him on the sofa. I explained why he couldn't have the cookies and he seemed to understand. His body relaxed next to mine and he let me hold his hand. And then those whisperings came. The kind of whispers that you know are not your own thoughts. The whispers that shock you into the understanding that your Father sees your needs before you even ask. The whispers that soften you and push into your broken heart. They said, "He is already saved. He doesn't need those experiences like the other boys do."

 

And then I felt the gentle chastising of the spirit helping me to realize that I was being selfish. I wasn't really mourning for Dallin and the experiences that he wouldn't have. I was mourning for myself and the experiences I would never have. Dallin's spirit isn't autistic, just his body. For reasons I don't understand his spirit doesn't need the same kind of refining that those other boys' spirits do.

 

That's not to say it doesn't need refining at all. I've heard it said that kids with special needs get a "free pass" into Heaven. But it's not free. I know Dallin's life isn't easy for him. He has to make it through mortality trapped in a body that doesn't work like it should and that is anything but easy.  Maybe that's the answer of it all - that where much is required much is given. I'm grateful for the little bit of light that I was blessed with today, to know that for all he endures he is already saved.

 

Defying All the Odds

There's big news in the Bouton household! A couple of weeks ago Dallin started typing on his own, generating his own words! This is so exciting because I have spent the last several years teaching Dallin how to read and spell and put together sentences. It has been SUCH a hard, long process. It took me a long time to convince the school district that Dallin could read because he is so hard to assess as he won't perform when you want him to.

Last summer I started trying to teach Dallin how to type on his iPad. When Dallin wanted something I would take his finger and type out one word, showing him letter by letter.  We practiced every day for over a year, but he couldn't generate words on his own.

A couple of weeks ago, after dinner,  Dallin tried to drag me and show me what he wanted. This is the typical way he tells me what he wants but I pulled out his ipad. I asked him to type what he wanted and he typed, "B-A-T-H". I cried. Dallin loves baths, and I knew what he wanted before he typed it. This is the first time ever that Dallin typed a word that I didn't tell him to type, on his own.  It was- for us- a miracle. 

Since then, Dallin has been typing what he wants several times a day. It is so fun to get to know his personality by the little things he types. I wanted to share a few examples. You would be surprised how much you can tell about him in just a few words!

Example (1) Dallin has a mind of his own and he doesn't like to be told what to do. This week I asked him to type what he wanted. He typed "N-o." I laughed and said he needed to try and type what he wanted even if he didn't want to. So he typed, "You try". I can't help but laugh at his stubborn attitude. After a little more coaxing, he eventually typed what he wanted.

Example (2) Dallin knows what he wants. When Dallin doesn't want to do his school work I sometimes bribe him with food. This afternoon I was bribing him with chips. Every time he completed an activity I gave him one chip.  After a couple of tasks he tried to grab the bowl of chips from me. I asked him, "Isn't one chip enough? How many do you want?" He took his iPad and spelled "F-I-V-E". So I gave him five chips and he was totally happy. 

Example (3) Dallin loves chocolate. He came into the kitchen for breakfast and I asked him to type what he wanted to eat so he typed, "cookie". I told him I didn't have any cookies so he typed, "chocolate chip". I didn't give him a bowl of chocolate chips but I did give him one!

Here is my favorite: Dallin kept leaning all over me and I was getting frustrated. I pulled out his iPad and asked him, "Dallin, what do you want?!" He typed, Y-O-U. Then he hugged me, for a long time. And yes, there were tears shed. He is such a sweet, sweet, boy. I am so very happy to get these little glimpses into his mind and heart. I just had to share them with you.