Ben Affleck should go into politics.

Because he made a very important and necessary point that the media has failed to point out over the last few weeks.

By way of background, if you haven't seen this, check it out:



And then, behold. Friday night. Go to 5:15 to be precise, although Martin Short is of course hilarious and awesome:

And this morning, former Secretary of State Colin Powell speaks eloquently and almost tearfully about these tactics. Go to about 4:20 for the key:



Simply put, Arab does not equal Terrorist. To suggest or assert otherwise is disgraceful.

Live Blogging the Third (and Last!) Presidential Debate.

CNN has once again collected a group of "undecided" voters in Columbus, OH and we get to see how they react in real time to the candidates' answers during the debate. I'm sorry, but these people suck. What else do the "undecided" want to hear at this point? We are three weeks away! Should Obama do some sort of hula dance? Should McCain name each of the jowels he has accumulated over the past couple of years? Seriously, what else do you want?

Oooh this is the one about "domestic issues." Like that will stop them from totally not answering the questions. Bob Schieffer looks spiffy. And totally botoxy. John McCain is unnaturally smily. It's weird.

Americans are hurting. Blah blah blah. Bob: Would you like to ask him a question? John: Uh, no. HA! Aww, Joe the Plumber was trying to realize the American dream. Poor Joe. Oh wait a minute! JOE HAS A SIXPACK! Joe will be fine! Jesus. Christ.

John McCain says "We have to stop sending $700 billion a year to countries that don't like us very much." !!!! REALLY? Um, like the one we've been in for five and a half fucking years? Hmph.

I don't like this hatchet versus scalpal metaphor. It's like a very boring horror movie.

Ooooooh. NASTY CAMPAIGNING question. Are you FUCKING kidding me? He should have done more town hall meetings with me? Why, because the last one went so brilliantly for you? Ok, John Lewis hurt your feelings. What about your silence when people at your rallies scream "Kill him!" Ass. OMG you HAVEN'T repudiated anything! And if you are right now you are barely doing so! I'm gonna have a heart attack.

Running mates question! Oh Barack, don't slip and and actually say what a fucking idiot she is out loud. Core values, good good. Aww, she's a reformer. Well, a reform guard maybe. Sweat out the old boy crony network? You mean, you? Special needs families? That makes her qualified to be president?

What's with the smirking, John? You look constipated. And the morris code blinking is really starting to freak me out.

Foreign oil question. This is when I get sleepy. "Mortgaging our children's future" is a catchy phrase, but it makes me picture my non-existent kids as little bankers in suits. Which I do not like. Maybe that's the point.

You wanna make an issue of how Senator Obama has never traveled south of our border? Um, your running mate didn't have a passport until six months ago.

For fuck's sake. Can you explain what some of these "preconditions" are that you mention oh so slyly?

Health care question. Break my heart, Barack. Break my heart. Preventative care! YES. I remember when I was 12 in social studies class, and I raised my hand and said, "Why doesn't the country ever do things that prevent the problems we have and the ones we can see coming?" I swear. I was 12 and I understood the importance of preventative care.

My old buddy. Joe the plumber. Six pack Joe. He's gonna fine you, Joe! Be afraid, Joe! Be very afraid! Actually, Joe, he's not gonna fine you. ZERO. I, Barack, exempt small businesses from having to pay. Large businesses, if you don't pay? You're fucked. Oh, now Joe is rich! Congratulations! Now you have to pay a fine!

Joe, I hate you. Go jump off a cliff and stop dominating this debate.

Roe v. Wade! Supreme Court! Ugh, litmus test. I'm a federalist. State's rights. Blah blah blahzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Wait a minute. How could Senator Obama have voted against Justice Breyer? He was appointed to the Court in like 1981 or something. Obama was where? Just graduated from law school? I'm confused.

Rightly decided. Moral issue. Good people can disagree. Women are in the best place to make decision. Right to privacy not subject to state referendum. Good answer.

Pro-abortion movement? Not pro-choice? Ahh, words. You wily rascals. Health of the mother is not a valid thing? Huh? Oh, you're an adoptive parent? Where is your Bangladeshi daughter? Why don't we ever see her? Because someone might yell "Kill her!" Better keep he her hidden, then. Don't wanna piss off Joe the Plumber.

Barack Obama was a constitutional law professor at the University of Chicago. I think he knows the ins and outs of what it "allows" and what is allows us to do.

Education! FINALLY. Parents are important. Choice among schools. Find bad teachers another line of work? Huh? Maybe we shouldn't hire bad teachers in the first place. OMG do NOT talk to me about student loans. They make me cry. Every day.

Haha. Multiple people on Facebook now have status phrases regarding Joe the Plumber. Myself included.

Ok. John. Let me tell you something. Down syndrome is NOT the same as autism. It's just not. Sarah Palin does not know anything about autism from personal experience. Get it straight. It's embarrassing.

Ahhh, closing statements. MY FRIENDS! God, how I've missed the MY FRIENDS. Except, not really. Stump stump stump. Taxes healthcare education stop the spending children's futures trust us or not safe secure prosperous reform record service country first long line of McCains (so fucking what) honored and humbled.

Tough times last eight years crisis risk same failed policies same failed politics fundemental change decency generosity american people brighter days tax cuts healthcare college young people energy economy lift wages grow middle class democrats republicans independents come together honor work every day for you and your children.

THE END! Go vote now! It will make you feel big and strong!

Rising to the Level of Mediocrity.

I know you're probably sick of me whining about politics, but hey, it's my f*%&ing blog, ok, and I'll whine if I want to. At least I'm posting, right?

I hate to say it, but Gwen Iffil, who I generally have a lot of respect for, totally dropped the ball. She was so afraid of appearing biased, she sat there like a wet blanket and let Palin run amok. What kind of serious debate can be had when one of the debaters starts off by cheerfully asserting that she's not going to answer any questions that she doesn't want to and is just going to speak directly to the American people without this pesky media middleman? And Iffil let her do it. It wasn't Biden's job to hold her feet to the fire. It was Iffil's. And she blew it.

For all of Palin's wink wink nudge nudge substance free spewing, at least the general consensus seems to be that Biden won. The moment when he visibly choke up talking about being a single parent was unexpected and powerful. And what did she do? Continue to drone on blithely with her memorized talking points. Granted, how do you really respond to someone who gets emotional during a debate, but it was like she didn't even notice it happened. Or she just freaked out and pretended it didn't at all.

This summarizes my sentiments exactly. And this is pure genius.

One week from today, I will be an official marathoner. As further mental incentive, I'm beginning to tell myself that if I don't finish strong, McCain-Palin wins. And I can't have that.

Dog Days.

Literally. Chloe had a vet appointment yesterday for her annual shots and check-up, and while the vet proclaimed she is very healthy for a girl of her age (15 in September! and hell, she was walking better than I was yesterday after my 13 miles), I agreed that she should undergo yearly blood tests to make sure everything is on track. So, $360 later, we left the vet's office. Now, granted, this included the exam, regular vaccines, three months of worth of Frontline, plus the blood panel. But. Jesus. Christ. For years she had been going to a family friend near my parents' house who charged us well, family friend prices. Now I have New York City prices. Hmmph. But, she's my girl. What can I do, right?

It's August. As in, I need a vacation. I haven't planned to go anywhere, and truthfully, can't afford anything lavish (see above) and have reached an age where going "home" for a week...doesn't sound very relaxing. Is it wrong to want to take a few days and head to a bed and breakfast all alone and do nothing but sleep, eat, and read (Beach Music!)? Yes, and run. Do single people really take single vacations? Or is that something we only see at the beginnings of sappy movies where the heroine laments her lonely life before meeting the perfect guy? See, Under the Tuscan Sun, Message in a Bottle. Ok, so they both loved and lost in those movies, but at least there was some adventure and drama in the middle.

Even Congress is on vacation. Not that they get much done when they're in session, but for the next five weeks they don't even have to pretend to get stuff done. Speaking of talking about doing stuff but not actually doing it, the election is soon, people! Like, really soon. We've been campaigning for basically for years, but the big day is 3 months away? How'd that happen? Shouldn't we have running mates at this point? Who? What?

It's Over.

Thank the lord.

Can you imagine the hard on Wolf Blitzer is gonna have on election night? It's only the end of the primaries and the guy is in rare form.

Also, "Simply the Best" by Tina Turner as your campaign song when you DIDN'T WIN is, well, arrogant as all hell.

I know I'm supposed to be anti-violence and all...

but can we just assassinate the leaders of Myanmar already?

Ya know, cost-benefit and all.

Ha.

Hahahahahahahaha.

Sorry, dude. What goes around comes around.

It's Super! Tuesday.

If I hear "we can now project that Clinton/Obama/McCain/Romney/Huckabee will win the state of X" one more time, I may throw something at my new TV. So I should probably change the channel and check back in later.

I'm supposed to be finding caselaw for my boss for trial tomorrow. But he only called me an hour ago, after I had just gotten home and poured myself a glass of wine.

I'm clearly not pouring the wine back in the bottle.

Hip Hip! Hooray!

I haven't watched the State of the Union Address for the last few years because, well, let's be realistic. It's not healthy to be that masochistic. But seeing as this is THE LAST ONE OF THE WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY (everyone: hip hip hooray!), here's a little drinking game to make it an even happier occasion:

When George says:

Iraq: one sip of whatever you're drinking
economy: two sips
American people: one gulp
war on terrorism: half a glass

Check back with me later. Hopefully I'll still be upright.

Also, I won a motion today. I guess I'm not getting fired. The judge's decision reads, and I quote, "Defendant's well reasoned and articulate argument clearly mandates suppression in the instant case." Yay.

Leave me alone. And go back to Portugal.

I am the first person to say that the United States is far from perfect. We have serious problems, and we need serious people to solve them.

But when an obnoxious foreigner, who has no investment in the future of this country in the same way I do, engages in the world's worst pick up attempt by telling me how horrible my country is, especially when it's 1:30 am and I'm tired and want to leave but I can't find my friend who's crashing at my apartment, there's really nothing to do besides "accidentally" spill my drink on him.

Brain Dump

I'm not gonna pretend that I understand why Iowa is so damn important. I'll just say this: it shouldn't be. There are 49 other states. Although I will admit that I don't think some of those other states should count as much as they do. I know we had this collective discussion 8 years ago, but the electoral college is still fucking retarded.

I was trapped on the subway this morning with what I SWEAR was a dead body. Or if not, the worst smelling two sleeping homeless men I've ever come across. And unfortunately you still come across a lot of them in this city. It was so bad they pretty much had their own car because no one wanted to be that close. Someone complained to the conductor, who basically snapped at the person with "Well lady where do you expect them to go when it's 14 degrees outside?" Ok, fine. But it was not pretty. Or fresh.

I didn't stay up for the return of Leno or Letterman last night (although I will for Jon Stewart because AHHHHHH), but the clips I watched today made it seem like they were...not really worth watching anyway.

God I hate Wolf Blitzer. If CNN has this much of a hard on for the Iowa Caucuses, I think my TV may explode on the actual election night.

It's Sunday morning - why am I so tense?

Oh, because Mitt Romney is on Meet the Press:

Tim: "How did you reconcile the fact that your church did not grant full rights to blacks until 1978?"

Mitt: "Tim, I love my church. I will never distance myself from my church. Now, I am the son of my mother and father and they were strong supporters of civil rights. My father walked out of the 1964 Republic Convention because he didn't think Barry Goldwater was strong enough on civil rights. Of course I was happy when the church made a change. But my position has always been clear."

Tim: "But don't you think the Mormon Church was wrong?"

Mitt: "Tim, I think I've been clear on my position."

Um, really? First of all, the fact that you will never distance yourself from your church is, frankly, a problem. Second, if your parents, also Mormons, were such staunch supporters of civil rights (query - I wonder how many gay people there are in the higher ups of the Mormon church), why didn't you do anything to speed up the so-called reformation? 1978?! That's fucking embarrassing.

Another gem: "My work in the private sector, including when I headed up the Salt Lake City Olympic Committee, really prepared me to be president." Right. Because smoothing over the pairs figure skating judging scandal is on par with nuclear arms negotiations. Dick. (Sidebar: as a former figure skater, I am not in any way demeaning the sport. But I'm also not running for president.)

Also, I don't want a president named Mitt. Sorry.

God damnit, Hillary.

Didn't you criticize Bush for not being able to apologize or admit he was wrong? They why the fuck can't you do it? Your vote for the war was wrong! And still you keep spewing the "if I had the information then that I do now I wouldn't have voted that way blah blah blah". You're a politician, no different from the rest of them. I don't care if you have the most relevant experience of the democrats. I hate you.

And Tim Russert, you need to stop letting people, especially the candidates, get away with bullshit answers.

Giving

So I was watching Oprah a little while ago.

(Sidebar: No, I'm never home at 4pm. I Tivo Oprah. Shut up. I don't watch every episode, but a lot of them are interesting, inspiring, hilarious, or downright practical. So yes, I record Oprah.)

A couple days ago Bill Clinton was on the show promoting his new book, and they did a little segment about a young girl who has undergone a shit load of medical problems in her own life and yet focused her energy on raising money for kids who have been orphaned by AIDS in Africa:

Anyway. Tears. I have a little volunteer project of my own in the works, but it's not a done deal yet, so I don't wanna jinx it.

Also, I miss you Bill. A lot. I'm still not so fond of your wife though.

Untitled.

There are productive days. There are not so productive days. And then there are the I'm-so-annoyed/tired/confused/worried-about-X that I'm just gonna sit here and pretend to do work days. Today was one of those. Not sure what exactly prompted it, except I kept picturing myself lying on the beach and reading Nora Roberts "novels", which isn't going to happen for another 3 weeks. So maybe I just need a break. After 7 months. Ha. At least Lindsay Lohan kept me entertained.

And now for a nonsequiter, am I the only one who didn't think the CNN You-tube debate was a big deal? Or even remotely more interesting than the other platitude-filled old fashioned debates? Am I supposed to think it's edgy that the candidates could potentially be flustered by Dan Dumbass in Utah? I miss the days of Al Gore and his locked box.

She must be a tiger in bed.

Mary Matalin is amazing. Not only is she sporting the hair style of a 20 year old, but the insanity spewing out of her mouth is crazier than ever, and the amount of eye-rolling towards her husband definitely speaks to the idea that James Carville looks like a skeleton lately because she's withholding food until he says something nice about George Bush. Even Tim Russert gave James a look of "Damn, that's rough, man."

One of Mary's gems:

"There is great affection for Bush amongst the people who are going to make the decision in this primary... the people who are in this myopic mindset should read [some new book*]. If we looked at contemporary public opinion we would be a slave-holding British colony today and we'd probably be speaking German and the rule would be totalitarian."

Huh?

James Carville spoke at my college graduation in 2003. His basic message was "You should prepare yourself for failure in life because when it happens most people aren't ready for it." Yeah, not so much "inspiring" as "shit, I need a drink." But, being the cynic that I am, I appreciated his unblinking wisdom about our future.

But now, I'm thinking, that speech was probably written after some deep thinking about the state of his marriage. How can two people who disagree with each other's fundamental beliefs spend their lives together? James must have realized this, and he implored our young souls to think hard before making the same mistake. Thanks, dude.

*The book Mary so lovingly recommended to us ill-informed Americans is presidential historian Michael Beschloss's Presidential Courage: Brave Leaders and How they Changed America 1789-1989.

As the Amazon reviewer notes, "Beschloss outlines how several occupants of the Oval Office—including Jackson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, FDR, Truman, Kennedy and Reagan—combined courage with wisdom to change the future of the country, notwithstanding the slings and arrows they earned...None of the author's heroes were saints, but rather flawed men sustained by friends, families, conviction and religious faith. With contenders for 2008 already lining up, this well-timed book might, the author hopes, persuade some to take the kinds of "wise political risks that Presidents once did." Perhaps. But knowledgeable readers should look elsewhere for genuine historical insight. The author's broad brushstrokes necessarily restrict him to painting nuanced individuals and complex times in only basic primary colors."

No wonder Mary Matalin wants people to read this schlock. Who wants genuine historical insight when you can paint nuance and complexity with the colors of fingerpaint? Oh right, George Bush Republicans.

Thank you, Palladinos.

Who cried as the camera panned out on our girls in Luke's diner in the same way as the pilot episode? Me. I cried.

Even though you weren't around for the last (somewhat crappy) season, The Gilmore Girls was in fact one of the best and most under-rated shows on television. Lauren Graham's lack of Emmys will be an eternal scandal. And we all wished we lived in Stars Hollow. Even the most cynical and jaded among us. Actually, especially us.

Thank goodness for reruns.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This deserves its own post, but it's late and there's no way it's eclipsing the importance of the series finale of GG, but here it is. To quote one of my peeps:

"With a few exceptions, I mourn the loss of all human life. This is one of those exceptions."

RIP motherfucker.

I have a question! What kind of shampoo do you use?

I went to a fundraiser for John Edwards last night. A friend who works for his campaign got me in for free. I love him (seriously, so intelligent and has plans!! and sooo pretty up close) but I wasn't about to spend $100 to get in there like all the other "young professionals." Some flirting took place, but no one caught my fancy. So I played wingman to my friend who became smitten with an adorable second grade teacher (male teachers always have a leg up for girls).

I had two glasses of wine, got home at 11, am exhausted, and have to be in court in an hour and a half. And somehow, still sitting here in my pajamas, I don't really care about being a little late. Probably because it's just a conference and nothing will happen until all of the attorneys are there (5 of us), and I bet some others will be late too. Or, after working for four months, I've begun the long slide into Slackerville.

Sad.

I'm so sad about Elizabeth Edwards. On the one hand, I'm glad John Edwards is still running, because I think he'd be a great prez, but on the other hand, there is going to be so much politicizing of the cancer and how it will affect him as president, etc.

At least she has excellent health care....

Wondering

Why have I not heard more about this?

Yes, DUIs are very common, but still, nothing? Is there some kind of unwritten gag rule for the offspring of powerful dickwads?