The sign post

6/2013 I am not a good writer, but this is a story I want to share.. for my children.  I want them to know that I KNOW Heavenly Father answers our prayers and comforts us in our time of need.  

In July, my sister, Beverly and I were looking for something fun to do.  It was a Saturday.  Bev had a good idea to go down the Provo River.  It is something neither of us have done, and have always wanted to do.  It sounded like lots of fun!  Unfortunately, Isaac was working graves, so he couldn't go with us, but we figured we have ventured off on our own with the kids before, we'll do it again.  My four children, and me.  Beverly, her husband Coby, her four boys, and the boy's cousin Kolumbie. We had to grab a couple more tubes at Walmart, that were about $15.  We figured we would use them again, so it was worth it.  Bev had a couple of life jackets for her kids.  I didn't have any, so I brought armies for Danielle and Thomas.  McKenna and Ashley would be in their tubes the whole time, and could swim, so I felt confident that everything would be ok. They assured me that they were strong swimmers, and did not need life jackets.  I told them on the way down, that water is very powerful.  I was a strong swimmer growing up, but getting sucked in that current in the ocean was always a scary thing.  Some children could not swim out of it, no matter how strong of a swimmer they were.    

On the way down to the canyon, I remember feeling a little anxious.  I always want Isaac by my side, but this day, I just really wanted him with us.  I followed Beverly and Coby down the canyon.  We pulled into the parking lot.  While they drove one of the cars to the end of the River, I lathered the children up in sunscreen.  The first sign I saw said, When floating down the river, you must wear life jackets.  You MUST wear a life jacket.  This really bothered me.  We didn't have life jackets.  I didn't even have enough armies for my children.  Again, I felt really uneasy about this, but we were just going with the flow anyway right?  Everything would be fine.  We started putting our tubes in the water, and one by one, off our children went.  The current was so much faster than I had expected.  Bev and I stayed at the tail end.  We got in the water, and it was freezing!  I turned to one of the fisherman, and jokingly said, "Just kidding!  Let's get out!"  He laughed and said, we weren't the only ones saying that today.  We had been in the water for merely minutes, before we approached the first corner, and I heard our own children screaming and crying. I don't know how, but Bev had gotten in front of me.  She was screaming at me to grab onto the children.  I was behind with Hunter, Danielle, and Thomas.  I pulled us over to a rock, and made sure we were all hooked together.  In front of us was a bridge we were to go under.  It didn't 'look' that bad, but our kids were crying on the other side, so I knew it wasn't going to be an easy 'float'.  Coby was walking to the middle of under the bridge, to help us get through.  The water was freezing, so I knew he must've been so cold, being in the water up to his waste. I was grateful he was waiting there for us though.  Hunter, Danielle, Thomas and I were all grabbed onto each other.  I thought we had a good grasp.  Hunter had a life jacket.  Danielle and Thomas just armies.  (I'm getting all teary eyed just thinking about this part)  I let go of the rock, and off we went.  It seemed to be ok, but quickly the rapids took us, and I couldn't hold onto the littles anymore.  As hard as I tried.  ...now I know what you are thinking. Provo River?  Yes, I know.  I have been river rafting.  Big white water rafting with my family growing up, and with Isaac's family.  This was different.  We weren't on a raft.  We didn't have life jackets, or someone guiding us down the river.  Our tubes weren't the right size.  We couldn't protect our children in the same raft.  They had to protect themselves.   

I was thrown through under the bridge, and watched as one by one, the children were thrown off their tubes and went under the water.  Hunter popped back up, luckily.  Coby was able to grab his and Thomas' arms, as he struggled to also pop above the water, but Danielle.  Danielle was stuck.  I SCREAMED at Coby to grab Danielle.  She was under.  Under the water!  I know it wasn't that long until Coby was able to find and grab her arm also, but it terrified me.  Terrified me that I put my own children in this situation.  I ignored the sign.  Life jackets were a must!  Coby carried all three crying children to me to the side of the water, and went back for Danelle's tube.  It was stuck.  STUCK!  Stuck underneath the bridge.  It took him awhile to get it out.  All I could think was, what if that was Danielle under there, stuck underneath the bridge.  It was a terrifying thought.  

All, but three kids were able to get out of the water.  The two oldest cousins, Zack and Kolumbie, and my sweet McKenna.  They were gone.  We couldn't even see them anymore.  As Beverly took Jason on her lap, underneath the bridge, she was unable to pull herself over to the side to let Jason off.  I remember him screaming to us, "I don't want to go!  I'm scared!  Mom, please let me off!"  It broke our hearts, but she couldn't pull herself through the current to the side.  My sister looked at me with calm panic in her eyes, and said, "I will go get the other three" as Jason cried on her lap.  

Coby and I carried all the tubes and the other five children up the little hill to the top of the bridge.  He said he was going after Bev and the three oldest children, and I would meet them at the bottom.  

Nathan, Ashley, Hunter, Danielle, and Thomas were just crying, freezing, and so scared.  The boys wanted their mom.  The girls and Thomas wanted their sister.  We loaded the tubes up, piled in the truck, and drove to the end of the river.  We started walking back up the train tracks, to try and find the kids as they were coming down.  At the time, I did not realize how long that river was, but as I now know, we would've been walking forever.  The kids and I were so uneasy.  I was being strong, but I was so worried.  There was lots of tears, and the children just kept saying, "what if they didn't make it."  The only thing I could think to do, was stop and pray.  The children and I all knelt down on the train tracks.  I think we even held hands, but I can't remember. I poured my little heart out, and said the most powerful prayer I could.  I prayed for comfort for the five that I had, and safety for the six people who were still in the water.  As soon as we were done, and stood up, I felt such a peace come over me.  Not only that, the children were so much calmer.  They started throwing rocks in the water.  Raced down the tracks.  We even sang a song of two, and did a few push-ups.  We were all still worried, yes, but there was definitely a peace and comfort that was not there before.  I knew, without a doubt, that the Lord was looking out for us, and comforting us that day.  

We had walked for awhile down the tracks, and right as we were about to turn back around, Nathan spotted Coby walking towards us.  It was a welcome sight!  He said Bev and the kids were freezing, and had gotten out of the water, and he was going to get the cars.  We couldn't be more happier.  

As we piled in the cars, and went to go find Bev and the kids, we were all so anxious to be reunited.  This sounds like a silly story, but it had been a very traumatic day.  I was SO happy to see McKenna.  As I pulled her into my arms, she said, "Mom.  For awhile, I couldn't see Zack and Kolumbie, and I was all alone.  I was really scared, but I said a prayer, and I knew everything was going to be ok."  My. Heart. Was. Full.  I will never forget what she said.  Ever.  I felt as if I was doing something right, that she knew to pray.  I knew that she felt the spirit and comfort of our Savior and Holy Ghost.  I knew we were looked after that day.  I knew we were protected.  It was a good lesson that day on how powerful water can be.  We cannot control it, no matter how strong of a swimmer we may be.  It was a good lesson for me that day also.  When we face trials, we must put our faith in the Lord.  He will protect us.  He will comfort us.  I know He was with us that day.  

God Saw You

Kellie made the program for my Dad's service.  It was really nice.  The Service was beautiful.  We all participated, which is not something we thought we would do.  My dad would have enjoyed it... he probably did.  I'll write about it another time, but for now, I wanted to share a poem Kellie put on the back of the program.  It was perfect.  So perfect.  I have it memorized. 

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered,
"Come with Me"

With tearful eyes we watched you
and saw you pass away
Although we loved you dearly
we could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

My dad was one of the best!! 

Soccer games!

After being gone a week, I finally got to watch my girls play soccer!  They did great and had SO much fun! 


My All Stars!



Thomas was upset he wasn't in the picture, so he made us stop and take a picture of him.  Worth it!  He's so cute.  :)



While I was gone.

My kids were so well taken care of while I was gone.  While Isaac was at work, Grandma Tanna had them and I felt comfortable knowing they were in good hands the whole time.  I never had to worry about them.  She is wonderful!  What a relief!

The night before I left.  I just hung out for the kiddos until bed time.  They didn't want me to leave.  Snuggle time!

We had to be at the airport at 7:30 in the morning, so Isaac sent me these pictures later on in the day.  Both little munchkins were exhausted and took nice naps for Isaac. 

These two little ones didn't take any naps.  Hanging out for lunch!

SO much fun at Grandma's!  Even Ella got to hang out for a night!

The week I was gone, was the first week they started soccer and gymnastics.  I am so thankful I have such a wonderful husband who will get them to all of their events! I posted gymnastics videos below.  Here is Thomas hanging out while Danielle performs! 

Here he is getting ready for soccer games!  "Bas ke Ball too big!!"  :)

(all Thomas wears is basketball clothes.  He was trying on Daddy's)

Danielle

Ashley

McKenna



Florida trip

Dad was in the hospital from Fri, 6th, until Thursday, 12th, night. Things were really bad. Nobody was really sure he would make it until the the Friday after he got home. We expected him to come home from the hospital much sooner, but Dad has other plans. He opted for TPN, (food in a bag) which he felt would make him stronger. Hospice won't cover someone who is on TPN, so it requires lots of help and a daily nurse to stop by. He was in the hospital for so long because they were awaiting his insurance to approve the TPN, which they did. Uncle Jim, my Dad's brother got here Mon while Dad was still in the hospital and Todd got here Friday,13th, morning. Bev and I got here Friday night.

So excited!!

He fell asleep often.

My first initial response of seeing my dad was shock.  My family has told us he looks skinny, but to actually see him look so skinny....I can't explain it.  You just can't imagine the pain and heartache it causes to watch someone suffer like my dad is, unless you have experienced it.  It is really awful.  His shoulders are skin and bones.  You can feel his spines, see his collar bones, everything.  Then he has this really big belly.  It's the cancer.  I asked him if I could feel it, and he let me.  It's hard, kind of like a baby.  Bev calls it a cancer baby.  I secretly kind-of hate the name, but it actually describes it kind-of well.  Then his feet, oh my his feet are SO swollen.  Huge!  It's caused by all the liquid that his body is producing.  He is starting to lose feeling in them.  He can't eat or drink anything, so he has cups full of water, apple juice, and ginger ale by his bed to swish in his mouth.  It gets really dry and I think it starts to hurt him a little.  I think a little bit of liquid can go down, but not much.  He drinks the ginger ale mostly for a little flavor or spice I think.  Uncle Jim bought him different kinds of drinks to try, but they caused him to throw up.  Like the dye in it or something.

The first few days were ok.  Dad got out of bed a few times.  He needs help walking, because he has a TPN bag to carry, which is a little heavy, a pain pump bag, and the oxygen.  All tubes we have to move and untwist for him to be able to walk.  Also, since he is losing feeling in his feet, he has a hard time walking.  It got harder the longer we were there.  Anyway, the first few days were ok.  He watched a movie with us every night.  Aliens in the Attic- for the little ones, Reel Steal- man flick, then Dick and Jane- comedy.  He wanted to watch all different sorts of ones to make everyone happy.  ;)  He would get upset if we got up to leave.  He just really wanted us to watch a movie with him.  I know it wasn't the movie, but more the time spent together.  We spent a few days doing his accounting work.  My dad is a CPA, and is SO organized on his finances.  I reconciled a bank rec for him and he taught me how to work his system and showed me the files he had.  It was nice and frustrating at the same time.  He definitely has a way he likes to do things.  :) 

Beverly's boy Nathan sent a Flat Stanley down to FL to Mitchell.  It was a school project.  They were supposed to take pictures and send them back.  Funny thing is Uncle Jim had a Flat Staley from his granddaughter too!!  Here are the grandpa's with their Flat Stanley's.  :)

Us with Uncle Jim.

Mom and me

Todd and me

Bonnie and the happiest baby ever, Vance!

Bev and Vance

The way to this little man's heart.  Food.  :)

Dad with his sister and brother, Aunt Gayle and Uncle Jim

(Uncle Duane isn't pictured)

Dad, Aunt Gayle, and me

Kellie, Bev, and I

The triplets

Dad made it out to the dinner table one night.  It was hard to eat in front of him.  This was the first night we did.  He came out after we had eaten dinner.  Aunt Gayle cooked us awesome spaghetti and meatballs and then had dessert that we ate in front of dad.  I felt a little bad, but I was glad he was there with us for a little bit.

The triplets with Dad
Dad made sure he was holding all of our hands. 

On Wednesday, he didn't want to get out of bed anymore.  He was too tired.  :(  We could tell he was getting weaker and weaker as the week went on.  He called the nurses to talk to them about his TPN.  He feels like he should be getting stronger, but it isn't working, so he wants a different combo.  Unfortunately, we feel like the TPN won't make a difference at all.  He is puking constantly, and Bev thinks that it's just his body rejecting the TPN/vitamins.  I think she's right.  He started getting a little bit more 'testy' towards the end of the week.  Like, he would say things that were a little rude, but he didn't mean it.  It's just anxiety.  I'd be mad too I guess.  The nurse said that Hospice could give him a shot for that if they were here.  On Friday night he said, "Was I mean?" I said, "no Dad"  He said, "Yes, I was. I just can't help it."  Broke my heart, he doesn't mean it.   From the time we got there to the time we left, he lost 6 pounds.

It was really great to spend time with Uncle Jim.  He loves his brother so much.  He took such good care of my dad and helped clean the whole house!  Uncle Jim lost his wife to Fibrocarcinoma, so he has done this before.  Aunt Gayle, (my dad's sister) lost her husband to colon cancer, and also her dad, our grandpa, to cancer as well.  My dad's other brother also lost his son to Leukemia.  It's not easy.  I hate cancer.  HATE IT!
It was great to be there with Todd too.  Part of me felt bad for taking up Uncle Jim and Todd's time with my dad, because we weren't supposed to come until the 18th, but I don't regret it.  I am so glad we went when we did.  Bev said it was kind-of perfect for Dad to spend time with the triplets all at once, and it was nice.
Dad's needs a lot of help.  Help walking to the restroom, help bathing, we have to change his bandages daily, drain his lung catheters, massage his feet...they hurt, a lot.  Everything hurts.
Thursday he got out of the house for the first time in a week.  We took him to Will's house!  Will is flipping his first house, and Dad wanted to see it.  We got everything ready.  Drinks, oxygen tank, chair...  We made him a comfy spot in the truck.  As comfy as possible anyway, because he is very uncomfortable.  He was proud of Will.  Loved the house, the big trees, and liked that it was right by a Baptist church, Mormon church, and Catholic church.  Said he had that going for him.  :)  We walked him around and he would stop to sit often.  Bev and I kept on bumping into each other because we were carrying his chair, tubes, oxygen tank, and drinks, just trying to keep up with him.  We were laughing because we thought it was funny.  On the way to Will's house, Dad asked me to pray that it will go fast.  :'(  I asked if it was the pain, and he said it was just everything.  I can't imagine living like he has.  It's unbearable to even watch.

One day we enjoyed swimming with our nephew Blake while Dad's nurse Richard was taking care of him.  It was fun to spend time with him.  He had been waiting to swim with us ever since Kellie told him we were coming! 

Bev and Blake

Blake and me

Kellie and me

Uncle Jim taking a picture of Blake holding Flat Stanley

Beverly and me

Mom, Will and me

Friday night us eight kids skyped with Dad.  Towards the end of the week, he liked things really quiet.  Like it was hard for him to hear noise.  So, we told all the siblings to be quiet and just let Dad talk.  He let us know what he wanted to do with his stuff, and we just listened.  It was fun to have everyone there, but sad too.  It was Bev's and my last night and we selfishly wanted to spend time with him by ourselves, but it worked out.  Our last night was really hard.  What do you say?  We held his hand for a long time.  He doesn't want to be alone.  We just sat there, and cried.  Dad kept on saying, "I love you, very much!" We said we loved him so much too and that we would miss him so much.  He said he'd miss us too.  Really, this is so personal, and I'm not sure if I should be writing this all down, but I want too.  I don't want to forget what was said that last night we were sitting on his bed.  (I'm balling just writing this)
One more thing and this is super personal.  My dad is not LDS.  My mom raised us all LDS and we believe there is 'life after death.'  I truly believe we will be together again. I KNOW we will.  My dad though, he is scared.  Understandably so, I think death is a very scary thing, but he doesn't believe there is anything after death.  Or he just doesn't know.  I told him one night, that I think his mom and dad will be waiting for him on the other side.  I seriously can visually picture his mom and dad, grandparents, and nephew just waiting to greet him on the other side.  My dad said he hoped so.  But here's the personal part.  On Friday night, when Bev and I were sitting on his bed holding his hand, I could feel their presence.  I know they were there.. .comforting us?  Comforting my dad?  I don't know, but I could feel them in the room.  I just know it.  We will be together again some day.  I love you Dad!

The last night

It was hard to say good bye

I'm glad my kids didn't see him like this.  People would tell me that, "you don't want your kids to see him this way."  And I always thought, of course I would want them to see their grandpa.  But when I got home and showed my kids the pictures, they said, "wow, Grandpa looks different."  Right then, I was glad they didn't see him like that and I shut off the camera and didn't show them anymore pictures.  Then, I was 100% sure that I made the right choice in not taking them to the funeral.  They have wonderful memories of Grandpa

All the girls with Mom

All the sisters with Dad

You think so?

Ashley came up to me, patted my belly and said, "Mom you look like you have a baby in your tummy.". I said, "you think so?" Then McKenna turns around, rolls her eyes and says, "No, all of a sudden you look skinny."
Ahh, thanks little ones. :)  This was the second time this month they told me I looked like I was pregnant.

DOD

Dad 'ordered' Hospice today. He is digressing very quickly. I wish I could spend more time with him. :(

Kellie's blog

Kellie posted about her and Dad's trip to MD Anderson in Houston. It almost makes me feel like I experienced the trip with them. I never knew the clinic was so massive. Dad sure is skinny and looks so worn out. I wish we had better news. :(

http://staleystory.blogspot.com/2012/03/md-anderson-day-1.html
http://staleystory.blogspot.com/2012/03/md-anderson-day-2.html
http://staleystory.blogspot.com/2012/03/md-anderson-day-3.html


I just have to add a few personal comments I have been thinking about lately that I can't get off my mind. It's a little blunt..but.., it amazes me how the people who you think care most about you, never ask how things are going. I know it's not because they don't care, it's most likely because they feel awkward or uncomfortable, and probably just don't know what to say. We (Bev and I) were never shy asking questions growing up. In fact, we were teased often about it, how we always asked questions. I guess I just never thought it was a big deal. I don't harbor any hard feelings. I understand it's an awkward position to put yourself in, and truly, maybe some people just are not comfortable with that at all. I guess sometimes, it hurts me a little, when those are the people I expect it out of. Those are the ones I feel like balling to or talking to, yet I never get to. ah well. On the flip side, I have a friend at work who asks me almost every day how my dad is doing. Totally unexpected, but I can't tell you how much it means to me. I love and appreciate her so much. She even sent me a text over the weekend just to check up on me. She is the sweetest. Funny thing is.. sometimes it's awkward for me too. Cancer is a crazy thing. He's bad, he's good, he's bad, he's good. It just sucks.

So... if you ever wonder if people want to talk about 'the bad' that's going on in their life. From the people I have talked too, most of them do. So, every once in a while, just send an, "I'm thinking about you." or, "We're praying for you." or just a "How are you?" note to them. It means more than you could know.

** I just have to add one more thing. Never say to someone who is dealing with a loved one dying of cancer. "At least you know it's coming." NEVER say that. I would never tell someone.. "At least they died peacefully and you didn't have to watch them suffer." No matter how you lose a loved one, it is not easy and should not be belittled in any way. Just had to get these last feelings off my chest I guess.

Field trip at the cheese factory!!

Danielle's preschool class had a field trip at the Cheese factory!  I wasn't able to go, because I was working.  :(  I hate missing field trips.  BUT, Isaac was able to go with them and I am SO glad he went.  He even took pictures for me to document.  He's such a good husband.  The kids thought it was really cool, and even got to have ice cream!!!  SPOILED!!  They said the freezer part was really cold, but all in all, they had a great time!  Isaac said the other dad's were annoying him.  lol, he's so funny.  Thanks for the pictures Daddy!

Cheese!!! 

Prognosis

Text from Kellie: "Dad now has swollen lymph-nodes, they are bigger in the scan from yesterday than they were in the scan from 3 weeks ago.
The doctor has determined that the treatment that he has been on is not being affective.
The doctor wants to try one more new medicine. They are trying to get it approved through his insurance company but we will not have an answer till around Tuesday. He can get that treatment at home. Thank goodness because I don't think he could make this trip again.
There is cancer in the abdomen and it's irritating his stomach which has been making him throw up or feel like he needs to throw up.
He has not eaten much the whole time we've been here. He's in a lot of pain and just doesn't feel good. This trip has really worn him out.
Dad asked the doctor what the prognosis is if this drug does not work. The doctor said that by looking at the scans and seeing the progression of this cancer he would only give him a few weeks to a couple of months. It is taking him over very quickly."
There are no words.