Recognition.

My biosister, Nicole, is a teenager and is 5 months pregnant. Obviously, when most people find this out, they are curious to know if she will place her child for adoption- maybe because her (our) father placed me for adoption....some people think it's a family hobby or something. Which is pretty awful. There are a few reasons why the answer is "no":

1- She got pregnant on purpose. It's a long, sort of sordid, story.

2- She has a job (is a high school graduate)

3- Manages, with her job, to pay her basic rent. Other expenses are paid by our father, but so far she is doing pretty well, above all because she is still very young!

4- She got pregnant on purpose (worth repeating, since that is the major motivation).


My sister and I are not friends, as most anyone who reads this blog knows. In fact, we are quite the opposite of friends. Its another sad and sordid story.

But I, too, was curious. Would my first father attempt to convince her to place? The only way I could find out was by asking him. So I did.

He told me that "no" , he did not bring up adoption and had no intention of doing so. I  asked him why, and didn't have very high hopes for his answer. I figured he'd say something along the lines of: "this is my first grandchild and I want them in my life" (the same cannot be said for me, his first child...but I digress).

I thought he'd say that he knew Nicole simply would not listen to him. Which is probably true.

But his real answer was something very different, something that warmed my heart in a (you guessed it!) sad and sordid way.

He said to me :

"I will not bring up the topic of adoption because I do not want her to place this child. I do not want her to give him up, because I see what adoption has done to you. I see what it has done to your (first) mother, and I see how it has affected you."

This was a curious statement to make, since I have never shared my *real* feelings with him in regards to my adoption, adoption in general, and my feelings on the relationship I have with his family. How could he possibly know how adoption has affected me?

"You've basically worked through it all," he said. "But you've said things, casually, over the years that have lead me to believe that adoption has not been the perfect solution I thought it was over two and a half decades ago".


I could have kissed him. I might do so, the next time I see him (it's been 6 years..!). He has spoken to my parents privately in the past, talking about "blood", and how strong of a connection he feels with me. But he has NEVER outright told me that he regrets placing me for adoption. Which is something I guess, in a fucked up way, I was waiting to hear. And how could I not feel that way? I suppose many adoptees, deep down, want to hear their first parents say: "Legally severing our relationship as parent and child was not the best decision of my life. I miss you, I wish you were here. I am sorry".


This? This was his "confession". His daughter (my sister) is not ready to parent, not yet. She is a selfish and often horrible person, who got pregnant intentionally for some pretty interesting (horrifying) reasons. Everyone sort of knows this, and no one has been afraid to say it. And yet....my father does not want her to place his grandchild for adoption. He won't even bring it up.

I don't think my sister will make a fantastic mother....I don't even like the girl! But I would never, ever, EVER advise her to give away her child. Never. Not because the child is my niece or nephew, not because I love my sister (sadly, I don't). But because I want to be the last adoptee in that family. Am I particularly happy that I get the honor of being the only child exiled? Not especially. But they are a good family, they are not bad. Their children and grand children will be happy.

As for Nicole? She'll learn. At least I hope so. And if she doesn't....well this child will have a grandfather- a man whom I've always loved, but who the other day has proven himself to be a sensitive, honorable man.

Honorable because he is seeing the good in a situation where he has previously only seen the bad (see: my own conception and birth!) Sensitive because.... he has listened to his daughter, his first child.

Without having done it on purpose, it seems he has understood my message:

"The legal annulation of our father-daughter relationship was not the best thing to happen in my life. It has been the most bewildering and intense pain I have known. But I am happy to know you. I have missed you. I forgive you. I love you."

No strikes...you're out?

How do we, as adoptees, deal with rejection from our birth family members?

I’ve been fortunate in that only siblings have rejected me..not the dreaded mother or father. But it still hurts. A lot. And it’s really not surprising.

Most people don’t understand what it’s like to be despised on such a primal level. Sure, there are a lot of people who fight with their siblings, or who don’t get along with a brother or a sister. But those kinds of things happen in normal families because of conflict- actions or words.

My sister Nicole? She just hates me. Not really because of anything I’ve done to her, or vice versa. But because I exist- and frankly, it just pisses her off.

How do we, as people who have grown up outside of our families of origin, cope when we discover that in reunion, we aren’t as welcome as we would have liked?

I wish I had the answer. After nearly 10 years of conflict…I’ve learned to just live with it. I try to comfort myself with the fact that its not “ME” as a person, but me as an entity. Nicole couldn’t possibly hate me, she doesn’t know me! We were friends as young children, but puberty (and the notion that I wasn’t going away..as she’d hoped) promptly ruined all of that for us.

Now, at a very tender age, she is expecting her first baby. It’s a niece or nephew that I will never know, who will never call me “Auntie A”, who will be deprived of his only aunt just as me and my sister were deprived of each other.


How do we heal?  How do we make amends? Apologies don’t work- what are we apologizing for?

“I’m very sorry I exist, Nicole. I’m sorry you aren’t really an only child. Sorry our father loves me too.”


With my particular case, talking doesn’t work. Neither do letters. She insists, as she always has, that she hates me and that she will never love me. She talks to other  half- siblings of ours who HAVE done some pretty terrible things to her.  Just not to me.  I am her only full sister- the only sister with whom she shares a father. She hates me because she is jealous that I  too have a connection with him.

Um…..my bad.

How do we move on, my adoptee friends? How do we just “accept” that sometimes our own families will probably never love us, simply because we exist? Luckily- the problem most commonly lies within the other person. Most people cannot imagine hating or being hated by someone they don’t even know. Let alone someone they don’t know who is also their brother, or sister, or daughter.

I find my only salvation is to wait. Maybe one day Nicole will change her mind, maybe one day she will understand. She is very young. We still have time.


Do I hold my breath? I do not. Do I wish her well? … I try to.

But mostly I just accept it for what it is. I add it to my list of unique situations that being relinquished     for adoption puts me in. Another unfortunate thing that I have no control over, but that will affect me for the rest of my life.

How do you all deal? Did your families welcome you back into the fold? If not, what helps you?

Smoke and mirrors...a message for my sister.

Well, it seems I’m an adoptee-masochist. 

I always ask for trouble.

I had been feeling guilty, lately, for not trying harder with my sister Nicole. My kept sister, the apple of our father’s eyes. I know that in pains him that we absolutely hate each other. So, I sent her a nice email- telling her my feelings on the subject, imploring the both of us to be mature, to work out our problems. Because we are sisters. I am her only sister,and she is mine. Let’s fight adoption, I said. Lets love each other despite the odds, lets put aside our 10 years of differences and let’s try and make it work.

Masochism at it’s best!

Her answer? A long list of everything I did wrong in the past 10 years. Most of which, I don’t even remember. Probably because I was 12 when it happened. And she was 9. Which makes me wonder how she remembers.

But I could deal with all of that. I could have written “I’m sorry for all the ways I’ve hurt you. I didn’t mean to do it.”

But she wasn’t finished yet.

“You remind me too much of our mother. I know that I have a part of her inside me too..but I’ve learned to control it. You remind me of her, you are just like her. And I don’t want to know anyone who is like her.”

WHAT?!?!

Let’s review a few of the facts.

I am working on a masters, I live abroad and pay my own rent. I have good friends who love me, who I’ve kept for decades. I have a wonderful relationship with both of my parents, with all of my living grandparents, and with my extended family. I am the favorite aunt, the most fun cousin. I have never been in any sort of trouble with the law. Not once. I have never smoked anything stronger than a cigarette (though, unfortunately, I smoke a lot of them). I haven’t so much as a fucking parking ticket. 

Our mother was a drug addict. She did crack, crank, every type of drug under the sun. She’s been in jail. She’s had her kids taken away from foster care. She is bipolar (which wouldn’t be an issue if she actually took her meds). She was an alcoholic, she was unstable 90% of the time. She kept promises she couldn’t keep, she emotionally abused every child who was left in her care. 

Lets talk about Nicole. Spoiled, fucked up, cruel. Chases away every boyfriend or fiance she's ever had with her absurd acidity. She is abusive and jealous. She does drugs. She is a super Christian who hates her own sister. She refuses to forget, let alone forgive. She has told me she hates me, that I will never belong in her family, that they only talk to me because they feel obligated. She fights, she is rude, she gets pulled over for much more than a parking ticket.  She likes to talk about our father using the word “my”. In capital letters. Like “MY father only talks to you because he feels guilty.” or “I’m not jealous with the relationship you have with MY dad”. She’s like my dog..peeing on things she wants to claim as her own.

I’m not perfect, people. In fact, I’d say that I’m pretty fucked up. I have issues, I have troubles. I see shards of our mother’s personality in myself...and it frightens me. But I see more of them in her. And thats even more troubling.

Nicole- here’s a message for you. I’m done. I give up. I hope one day you change your mind ( as our father insists you will). Not because I want to be your friend. I do not. But only because then I can tell you to go fuck yourself as you have told me. You are not my sister. You are nothing. You don’t deserve to know me. I would love you, treat you well, give you everything of myself...if only you’d let me. I’ve waited for you for years. The waiting time is over.  I have been passive, open, and have exposed my deepest feelings in the hopes that it would soften the hardness that you have within you.

But it’s only backfired. And now I’m done. I will never forgive you for what you have said. Our mother is many bad things, I’ll never deny it. But she is a compassionate soul. She is loving. She has her demons that she was unable to fight. But she LOVED. She had love in her heart.

The same cannot be said for you. You are no sister of mine.

Responsibility.

I am a firm believer in the notion that everyone in the world of adoption is obliged to accept their responsibility.  In these days, relinquishment and adoption do not happen magically- they involve at least two calculated decisions.

As an adoptee, I accept my obligation to be understanding, compassionate, and open. I foster relationships with members of my adoptive family, and I do the same for members of my natural family. I accept any sibling who wants to know me, I  maintain and nourish the relationships I have with my natural mother and father. I make mother and father’s day cards, I make calls on all holidays. I send congratulations for new babies, weddings, and birthdays. 

There are very few things that would cause me to cease contact with my natural parents. If they had no respect for my adoptive family, I would have to seriously reconsider our relationship. They don’t have to be friends- they don’t even have to talk to one another. And it goes both ways. I  don’t expect my parents to be HAPPY about my relationship with my biological family. But I do expect them to be supportive of me, and I expect them to accept it gracefully (as they have). 

One thing is for sure though- if my natural parents did not take responsibility for their actions, it would not be able to have a relationship with them. And the reasoning is simple- they made a life altering and objectively damaging decision on my behalf. Without my consent or knowledge or approval. All parents make decisions like that for their children. The only difference is that my parents actually made a decision to NOT be my parents. 

They robbed me of my name, my heritage, and the security of growing up with my own clan. They chose to give me to another family- and in doing so stripped me if my most core identity, of my right to grow up within my own family. They destroyed the most important relationships in my young life- the one that I was supposed to have with them. They ensured that my siblings and I would grow up apart. They robbed my siblings of their sister, their parents of a grandchild. 

They did all of these things for a few simple reasons.  They did not feel they had sufficient money to raise me in the custom to which they had been raised. My paternal family hated my natural mother. And my father did not want to be a parent at that time. He was 27 and my mother was 25. 

Over the course of our reunion, they have explained  their reasoning to me. They have expressed regret. They have expressed sadness, and they have asked my forgiveness. But never, not once, did they tell me that it wasn’t their fault. They take full responsibility for the decision they made over 2 decades ago. And I’m glad they do.

Babies don’t give up themselves. In this day  & age, when single parenting is on the rise, children out of wedlock are no longer seen as the scum of the earth, and parenting classes and aid are so readily available- I find it hard to understand that women are placing children. Capable, sane, normal, kind women are giving their babies up left and right. And I find it pretty sick. I’m sure they have their reasons- and I can only hope that they don’t sound hollow 20 years from now when their children want to know why they were given away.

I hear a lot of women who placed recently talking about familial pressures, societal stigmas, and unsupportive partners. Everyone is keen to blame the big bad adoption industry.... as if they were tricking every woman who experiences and unexpected pregnancy. But the reality is this : most women keep their babies. Poor, dumb, smart, white, black, rich, young , old - the adjectives don’t matter. The percentage of women who place is VERY small.

So, how can people continue to blame the adoptive parents or the adoption industry for THEIR decisions? If the industry permeated nearly as much as some natural parents claim, everyone would be giving up their babies. But that simply isn’t true. Are women who place less resilient, more impressional than their counterparts who keep their babies? Are they simply gullible, giving into the industry while their more sly sisters hold on to their offspring? I don’t think any of that is true.  But that is what some natural parents are trying to make me believe. They are victims, they claim. And maybe that’s so. I believe that natural parents are the victims of the most insidious idea: that they are unworthy of raising their own children.

But I accept the victim role only until a certain point. Something like 98% of pregnant women keep their babies. Even very young woman. It’s what comes naturally to us, it’s what we are SUPPOSED to do. The fact that the small percentage of women who give up their babies then go on to say that somebody else made them do it just infuriates me. We are no longer in the BSE. Things have changed, and are changing. Keeping your baby is easier  and more socially acceptable than ever. 

I don’t think its easy to take responsibility for an unpopular decision. Because face it, after the adoption is finalized, natural mothers are no longer the “saints” they were before relinquishment. Most people cringe at the idea of giving away their child. Most people cannot imagine it, even in the most desperate of circumstances. It cant be easy to have done the unimaginable. It’s easy to blame other people, or other entities. 

But one fact remains- had my parents not given me up, I would not have been adopted. Its really quite simple.  For every choice there is a consequence.  I pity the adoptees my age who  have parents who simply will not take responsibility.

Adoption has taken so much from me. And I’ll be damned if the people who chose it for me aren’t going to admit it.  I wonder how the children born in the 90’s think..and the children born in the 2000’s. I hope that all modern day parents have some damn good reasons. Otherwise they are going to have a difficult time explaining to their children why they were cast away. It's so unnatural to be given away. And if the reasons are hallow....it makes it much worse. 

Married

I found out I had a sister when I was 11 years old. My excitement to meet and know my natural parents flew out the window when I heard about her...I was so excited to be a BIG sister! We wrote letters to each other- colorful little notes designed with flowers and puppies and stars. We would profess our never-ending love for one another. We were Sisters- separated by circumstance, but reunited by destiny. We took trips to visit each other- visiting the highest floors of the tallest skyscrapers in NYC, riding horses in the golden fields of Texas.

And then one day, it stopped. She hit puberty, decided she didn't want anything to do with me, the little intruder into her family, and she convinced 99% of the family to exile me with her. Only our father and his wife, steadfast, continued to talk to me in secret. The last time I saw them was on one of my birthdays, 5 years ago.

Nicole is my full sibling. I loved her once. I am her only full sibling. She doesn't talk to any of our half siblings. I talk to all of them. And yet, knowing all of them is not enough for me. I want so desperately to  be friends with Nicole. We have our issues, yes. I am jealous of her, yes. But I was always willing to put them ALL aside if it meant that we could build our relationship. She's never really been interested.  We had a year or so of good, solid communication. She cut me off about a month ago when I started talking with our maternal family- a  part of her family she doesn't like. She sees me as a threat.

I heard news today that Nicole is getting married. I saw the engagement announcement on facebook today.  Her ring is beautiful.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will not be invited. Her bridesmaids will be her friends and her step sister.

My natural father got married two years ago. I was not invited to that either. He wanted to invite me, he said, but he couldn't because it would  create a stir within his family- mostly with his mother Thank you adoption, for making sure that I was not there to see my own fathers wedding. Thank you adoption for making damn sure that I will not be invited, let alone be a part of, my only full sisters wedding.

Nicole- I remember when you were small. I remember when we BOTH were small. Time passes- it is one thing that we can be sure of. I wish I could congratulate you, I wish I could see you. Your ring is beautiful, and I know you'll be beautiful too. I wish you, as I always have, all the happiness in the world.