Blog, oh blog.... it has been too long. Life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs and sideways and stalling and racing. Through it all my stabilizers have remained the same: My family, church, occasional fitness, music and friends. There is a depth that is forged by the rushing of life like water over rocks. Being the day after Thanksgiving I think it is fitting to say that I have much to be thankful for. I have my two amazing daughters that bring me joy and challenges and pride and unconditional love. I have my family that has been in my cheering section regardless of how silly my choices may have been or how wonderful my accomplishments. They are true and they are my anchors when I need a safe stay in their harbor. I have a lovely little turn of the Century craftsman home that I rent for a very reasonable rate within 5 minutes walk of the elementary school and 5 miles of my office. I have a job that I have been able to build a reputation of a subject matter expert in. I am healthy and fit and have been blessed with great friends and good NW coffee and wines.

The Now Year

As we turn the corner to 2013 there is much that I am thankful for, much that I am sorry for, many memories and dreams that I get wrapped up in. I am going to try my best to make 2013 the now year. I have decided to devote time to meditation and journal writing about the now. This will be difficult I am sure but I feel like it is the right way to focus my life and energy so that my future doesn't write itself while I am busy preparing and remembering. I am very thankful that blogger didn't dump my blog while I was on a year long break from writing. I will try to write daily, if not on the blog on paper and then transpose maybe once a week. I apologize in advance if this gets boring but somehow I think even focusing on the now can't be boring in my life. Happy slides into the New Year!

A house is not a home

Maybe I should have titled this post "It takes a village to unpack 10,000lbs." I am sure that all of you who have spent time as spouses on the move can relate to the turmoil of moving, choosing a house based on what you remembered your stuff to look like and then feeling like "OH HECK NO" when it all arrives. The bedroom looks like a palace with nothing in it and something off of a DIY help show when it is packed wall to wall with boxes both packed and half unpacked. I am not sure but I may have increased my sister's satisfaction with her life merely by having her help me unpack part of mine. My brother in-law was amazing with drilling and moving heavy boxes. My mom came and whipped my kitchen into shape while "Bobo" placated the children for an entire weekend. All of that makes me so thankful for my family being near. I can't imagine having done this by myself. I am sure it would have been a 3-4 month project if I kept chipping away at a box or two a night. Now it is up to me to get the bedroom and rest of the garage unpacked so that I can find my boots and park the car indoors just in time for rainy season. This weekend I am taking some time away from the unpacking to enjoy a walk on the beach, a glass or two of wine and maybe even a day on a friend's boat. Cheers to making a house a home and to celebrating little milestones along the way.

I was kind of a star for a second

I am just going to remember the words of JP Meier when I threw a fit cause no one was taking my job or me seriously in Grafenwoehr. Shortly thereafter I was so busy I couldn't remember what I was starting and finishing. It all started to meld into daily slide making, meeting attending, briefing and research. Not that I dislike being busy, just kind of like a modicum of control as well. I got to Joint Base Lewis McCord and had that same little fit. This time for good reason due to the high loss we had in the first 4 weeks I was in my position. Last week I was reminded that sometimes it takes the rest of the world a bit of time to catch up but when they do if they have even half the enthusiasm I have it becomes a marathon. I began "running" with my first news interview on the topic of my position. Then I hosted my first "task force" meeting. It went really well (thanks to the staff action officer course provided by some random CPT from 21TSC two years ago.) Then all of a sudden Monday I was asked to conduct a Congressional information interview and a local news interview. That is right I was on the news for the second time in my life. Ironically the first time was for my wedding. Anyhow then the buzz just kind of went out of control and all of a sudden I am the only one on the installation having to answer to a really complex and TOTALLY multidisciplinary program. Let us now tap into the others that actually might have even more investment than I. It was really flattering for a week now I am kind of regretting the fit. I could have done with just a simple, "hey, cool, good job, uh huh" from the community every once in a while. Luckily my current research for work is on valid techniques for treating anxiety and depression, I might have to therapize myself. I will let you all know what I find and if it works.

Female Tenor

There I was in the shower washing my motivating Herbal Essence moisturizing two in one shampoo and conditioner out of my hair when I realized life wasn't exactly like the commercial. In fact not like the movies, magazines, love stories, or pictures in the empty frames you buy to fill with your own insanely optimistic, carefully posed and always smiling "memories". I started to ask the question of why there is such a huge market for magazines, books, attire, schwee and party favors for weddings but I have found very little for divorce or divorcees. We are a total niche market us 52% of the American populous that have done the white wedding and then followed it with the unthinkable and nearly unbearable axe. That separation leaves people in a place that has no platform or stage to jump from. It feels most like being dropped into a huge desert of quick sand surrounded by pleasure islands, parties and twinkle lights that we can see but not quite reach. Twinkle lights have long been one of my favorite symbols of something good. I have never seen them displayed at a funeral or outside of a courthouse during a murder trial but they coat the rooftops and even landscapes of cities and suburbs during the Christmas season. They hang from bars and cafes as a symbol of festive retreat. I digress. Back to the niche. I would love a monthly magazine that had articles on cooking for 1 (maybe 1+ just in case you get lucky), how to do the things your partner did like drill holes, saw wood, change the oil, give you an amazing night... lets face it there are advantages to having a partner/mate that can do things that you haven't put much time or effort into learning how to do for yourself. For the men maybe some articles on how to research a primary care physician, how to remember your mom's birthday, what colored laundry to separate and what to leave together. So in my effort to heal, strike out and really embrace the idea that one can be a solo artist, I will write. Instead of looking for a partner that has the skills that I don't or is willing to use the skills that I would rather not I am going to embrace and learn myself. After all how unfair is it of me to seek and attach myself to another human being because they bring me joy and happiness and know how to tie a kayak to the roof of the car but later lament that they aren't my emotional equal and all they want to do is play outside? How odd is it that I start a relationship as a stark and stubborn individual but begin to take on character traits of my mate within months. I begin to speak their slang, begin to watch their shows, begin to befriend their friends. By the time a year has passed I have put so much effort into understanding through experiencing that it is impossible for me to think of myself without them. Where do I end and they begin? How do I define myself? In times of individual conquest I like to think of myself as a bit of a female tenor. I have been told that I am a "guys girl", an entrepreneur, crazy, different, special, abrasive, unusual, determined and the list goes on. To me these definitions of character parallel one of my favorite gifts, singing. I can sing soprano with training and practice, I can sing alto but often find the part to be boring and a bit too back seat. I prefer to sing the tenor part with the guys. It stands out in my ear and calls me to it's complementary sounds. I like setting myself aside from the rest of the women in the choir. Tenor feels comfortable, easy and safe. It isn't usually the lead but it compliments it like rings on a finger. Hence the name I chose for this post... I am the Female Tenor.

Happy New Year

This year may you carry your lessons lightly without burden and your dreams with passion and grace. Happy New Year!

On Turning a New Leaf

Cutting and dying my hair didn't seem to be enough so I decided to take up guitar. I have always been a fan of acoustic guitar and secretly wanted to be a county western singer. So why not? Never gonna be 32 again. I have only had two lessons which have been mostly painful and a serious dose of expectation management. I guess not all things musical are just given to you. So I practice the 4 or 5 chords that I know and the girls sing made up songs. They think I am a rock star and they're my only audience for now so win-win. In addition to playing the guitar I dusted off the ol' running shoes and went for a brisk 1.5 miler yesterday. Took me 15 minutes and ended with a fit of coughing and feeling like maybe I shouldn't have taken such a long break from cardio activity. I am thinking about finding a half marathon that I want to work toward so if anyone has any suggestions or wants to virtually train with me I am so open for any and all.