Dolvett's Wisdom

Dolvett, one of the trainers on "The Biggest Loser," just blew my mind.

There is a woman on the show named Gina who constantly worries she's going to be kicked off the Ranch. It's half-way through the show and she's still there, but she continues to be fearful because she is the oldest, the smallest, etc., etc., etc....

Dolvett pulls her aside and says, "The worry is bigger than the joy. Look out there." He points to the other contestants and reminds her of her success by being the oldest contestant left. Then he says, "You have nothing to worry about but the stuff you create," and points to his head. "Gina has a very bad habit of coming from a negative place."

Yep, me too.

I have an anxiety disorder. I take medication for it. It helps. Still, I worry all the time. All. The. Time. And when I really don't have anything to worry about, I make stuff up.

For example, I owe two customers paintings. I've taken much longer than I originally planned to finish them, and they're still not complete. While both customers have been overly generous in giving me more time, I worry about their feelings every day. I imagine my customers are secretly very disappointed in me. While I'm confident in my work, I imagine them not wanting to pay for the final product because it took too long. I imagine them bad-mouthing me to their friends and regretting hiring me in the first place.

Do you know what my customers are actually doing? What we all are- trying to pay the bills, put food on the table, and take care of the kids.


You have nothing to worry about except what you create in your mind.


My apartment is messy, I imagine my fiance coming in town to surprise me. I haven't heard from my professor, I imagine she is taking extra time to criticize my work. I come in a few minutes late, I imagine all my co-workers shooting me looks and talking behind my back.


The worry is bigger than the joy. And that's just ridiculous.

I'm getting married. I'm completing my assignments. I have a job. Now I just need to listen to Dolvett more often.

Juice Fast Day Three: The End?

I broke my fast last night by having some grapes... then a couple of vegan Boca Burger patties. Oh well, so much for easing back in to solid foods. Today (end of day 3, start of day 4) I had a mix of juicing and soup. My stomach was fine, but tomorrow I have a party to attend so I am sure all hell will break loose. We'll see.

For anyone who is thinking about starting a juice fast, here are some thoughts:

• Buy a quality juicer. I found mine at Best Buy for $100.
• Buy as much organic produce as you can and wash everything thoroughly.
• Plan to make a mess when you first start out. Period. I had parsley flying everywhere and juiced twice without the cup in place.
• Believe it or not, you can add lemon, lime, salt and/or pepper to almost every juice to make it more palatable.
• After juicing you will have lots of pulp- perfect for the compost bin!
• And, most importantly... If you want to stay out of the bathroom, ease into a fast by having juices once a day, then twice, and so on. If you can, schedule your first full day of juice fasting when you will be at home. Preferably alone. 

Overall I'm really glad I tried this fast. I learned a lot, and now I have an excellent juicer and ideas for recipes. I definitely plan to incorporate juicing into my diet, especially green ones.

I lost a few inches from my waist but those may come back with water weight. Still, I really think this is what I needed to jump-start some healthy eating habits and more weight loss before school starts... since we all know how things tend to fly out the window when school starts...

Juice Fast: Day Two

48+ hours into my juice fast and I am definitely more hungry than yesterday. I had some broth, so that was kind of like eating soup. Kind of.

Today I looked decent in a bikini (what?!?) and discovered I don't like fennel. It tastes like licorice.

I'm not sure if I'm going to make it 72 hours. I may add raw fruits/vegetables tomorrow. We'll see.

Kthanksbye!

Juice Fast: Day One

Ok, so it's been 24 hours since I started my 3-day trek of eating (drinking) nothing but the juice of raw fruits and vegetables. I was inspired to juice after watching Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead on Netflix. Not surprisingly, I was also inspired to purchase a juicer like the one in the film. :)

Breville Juice Fountain Compact

I have to say the machine is amazing. Ridiculously powerful and really easy to clean. Very happy with the purchase.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Sprouts and spent $50+ on produce for the next three days. That is insane for me; $50 usually lasts a week. And to be honest, money will probably be the reason I don't continue the fast longer. The recipes I am following are from Reboot Your Life.

My first juice was made primarily from kale and tasted like eating a salad. I suffered through it. My second was made from sweet potato & beets- I really enjoyed that one. My third had too much cucumber. I'm learning. I'm also making a mess.

All day yesterday and this morning I had no real side effects. I'd heard stories about people not being able to leave the house because of all the "cleansing." I figured because I had been eating a primarily vegan diet my stomach would be used to all this.

Um, no.

I won't get into the details (you're welcome) but let's just say I'm glad I don't have any errands to run today. Surely it will be better tomorrow.

Otherwise I feel great and very, VERY full. The plan I'm on offers five recipes a day... I think three is my limit. Each recipe yields around two full pints (32 oz) of juice. 

Ok, back tomorrow. Bye!

I don't want to do this anymore.

Rant:

I don't want to do this anymore. And I don't have to. It's not my job. My graduate advisor can't "fire" me. I don't have to write the 10 page prospectus about the 30 page final project I will complete yet don't have to complete. I will not lose my job if I don't finish my master's degree. I will certainly not lose my life. And you have to know if I quit I will gain time and money, two things that are very precious to me that I presently severely lack.

I want to quit. Surely 36 hours toward a master's degree on a résumé is just as good as a master's degree. Or–highly more likely–it will be seen by future employers as a clue someone doesn't finish what she's started. Plus, whether I finish or not, I've still got these things called student loans...

But what about the raise I will get? Oh, you mean the $900 more a year? Yes, that's definitely worth the constant anxiety that I won't finish my prospectus for yet another semester and will have to fork out another $1000 and push my graduation date back. Again. Or the inability to really enjoy my summer because I feel I should constantly be working on my prospectus. Or the fear of the fall semester because I know I will once again be balancing work and school along with everything else in my life.

I started this degree because I wanted to show future employers I was serious about my career change into education. Now with 36 graduate hours in education and 3 years teaching under my belt I feel confident my principal understands I'm here to stay. Yet here I am, slowly trying to complete this thing. It's taking a lot longer than I expected.

I know I have to finish. I've put all together too much time and effort and money into this to quit without a degree. I get it. I just don't have to enjoy it right now.

Update: I completed my prospectus and it was approved by all committee members. The final step is one last (huge) project and I graduate!

Wants vs. Needs

What I WANT to do this summer:

1. Create themed art
2. Blog
3. Get a little tan
4. Keep a mani/pedi
5. Learn how to play tennis

What I NEED to do this summer:

1. Finish four (possibly five) commissioned portraits
2. Finish my prospectus
3. Write my final paper
4. Lose weight
5. Clean/organize my apartment

How great would it be if I could do all ten?!? We shall see. I have 74 days. 

10 years ago today

I cannot believe what happened today. It still feels like some elaborate joke. Terrorists hijacked 4 planes in the US. 2 planes hit the world trade towers in New York City, 1 plane crashed into the Pentagon in Washington D.C., and one other plane crashed in a forest in Pennsylvania. That plane may have been headed for the White House or the Capitol, but CNN isn't sure right now.

I can't believe this. It is too surreal. I don't know whether to throw up or cry. When I was watching the plane hit the tower over and over again, I felt like I was witnessing the end of the world or the start of the apocalypse. It's so scary and I really don't know how to describe it. CNN said that over 50,000 people work at the Trade Center. Did all of those people die? What is going on?!?

I wish I was at home or at least didn't have to go to work tomorrow so I could stay up and watch CNN all night. Is this the start of WWIII?

Before I came here I used to think about what would happen if there was a world war and I was over here. Now is it going to come true? I feel so guilty about now being in the US right now. I just want to go home.

-from my Slovakia journal on September 11, 2001.