Postpartum Depression/Anxiety

I have debated back and forth whether I wanted to post something that has been such a struggle for me.  I think it's nice to have a record of all the fun family times that make life so worth living but I feel like maybe this is as important too.  After all you never really know happiness without the opposite feeling or maybe it's you never feel how grateful you are of happiness without feeling the low as well.  Whatever the quote is I think it's important to remember.  I have gone through this before, after having my sweet little boy Brayden.  That is a huge reason why he was going to be our last baby.  After about two years I really had this strong impression that we had another little girl waiting to join our family up in heaven.  Think I am crazy if you will.  I prayed and prayed about it because I was terrified to go though the postpartum anxiety/depression I went through with Brayden.  Nathan and I went back and forth about it for month until it was kinda decided for us and We Were Expecting our sweet baby January 6th.  I was so excited and even more excited when we found out she was going to be a girl.  A sister for Kailie!  The pregnancy went fine except for all the gross weight gain : )  Even after having my sweet baby Brinly things were going good for a long time.  I was so happy for that because after having Brayden postpartum a&d reared it's ugly head when he was only 2 month old so I missed all the fun little baby stuff because I was having a hard time just getting through the day let alone enjoy my sweet baby.  I thought I was going to be lucky and just call Braydens pp a fluke because things were going fine I made past 6 month pp and felt fine.  Well about 8 months pp things started to change.  I started having panic attacks randomly but not very often.  Things slowly started getting worse though.  I started feeling very overwhelmed.  I was scared to be alone with the kids.  I was worried that I would have a anxiety attack and not be able to take care of them.  I felt like I must be going crazy.  Why am I having these thoughts?  I had a hard time getting through the day.  My heart would race, my mind would go a hundred miles a hour with ridiculous worries and thoughts.  I knew what it was because I had dealt with it before but this time was worse!  Talking to a doctor I learned that with each baby it get worse.  Each day is very tough feeling scared but I am the luckiest girl with amazing family and friends willing to help me through this until I can get back on my feet.  I have to tell myself each day that things are going to get easier and easier.  Looking at my sweet boy Brayden reminds me that there is life after pp depression/anxiety.  It took some time and some days were ok and some were very hard but I did find myself again and I know I will this time too.  I have really learned empathy for people that have to struggle with depression and or anxiety or any mental health their whole lives.  I know their is a light at the end of the tunnel(even if sometimes when your in the middle of an anxiety attack or a whole in your heart painful depression attack)for me that some people don't get to be as lucky for certain.  I wish I could take this pain away but I am so blessed to be a mother to my amazing kids and would hope that knowing I would have to go through this torment again I would still choose to be a mother of four.  I love being a mom and can't wait to be the mom I use to be again.  I miss feeling that bond and utter joy from my kids.  I know after sometime and help I will be there again and can't wait to be the mom I use to be.  My hopes in writing this is to hopefully help other women that go through ppd&a know they are not alone and it's nothing to be ashamed of.  Our bodies are a miracle and go through so much to bring a little person into the world and we need to remember that and be patient with ourselves as mothers.  The other reason I wanted to write this was to let my kids know that this has been the hardest thing I have gone through but I wouldn't change it because it brought me them, the greatest joy I have ever known.

It's been too long!

 Our big airplane ride with the whole family to Disneyland!!!

 Our picture with Goofy before going in to eat at Goofy's Kitchen.

The kids and their cousins at Goofy's Kitchen meeting Alice.  She sounded just like Alice off the movie.  She was so funny!





It has been so long since I have posted something that there is just to much to try and catch up on!  Instead I figure I will just say what's been going on with us now.  There is one thing I should catch you up on though.  Since it's been over a year since I have posted anything we have had a new addition to our family.  Brinly Lynn Hutton was born January 2 2012 at 6 A.M.  She has been such a sweet blessing to our family!  Our other big recent news was that we went to Disneyland with Grandma and Grandpa Portland, Aunt Nic, Uncle Phil, and Avery, Aunt Christina and Dylan and Dallas on October 2nd-5th.  It was so much fun!  We were so spoiled and stayed at the Grand Californian Hotel right inside Disneyland.  It was so nice to be able to go back to the Hotel when the babies were sleepy and needing a nap.  It was so fun to go as a big family!  My favorite things were the parade down main st. in Disneyland and the World of Color water show at California Adventures.  When Disney does something they do it BIG!  I made all seven kids autograph/picture scrapbooks so they could get autographs and a picture with each Disney character they met.  It was so neat to see how excited they were to meet all of them.  Although it took 30 to 45 minutes of standing in line to meet each character it was worth the wait.  I feel so grateful to be able to take our kids to such a magical place!