Work-a-Holic.....or Sacrificing Stay-at-Home Mom????

so.....

Lately, I've been doing some reflecting.  It usually tends to happen this time of year for most people.  Nowadays I've been doing it more often than I'm comfortable with.  In a recent post, I declared myself a work-a-holic, going through all of my various employment options to keep me sane and happy.  Zumba and Photography are the latest...and I'm glad to say my greatest!  I've been flourishing with my photography business, and people still seem to come to my Zumba classes, so I'm okay there!

However, I'm finding myself stressed beyond comfort.....


....again.


Both of these jobs were taken in with the internal resolution to NOT have either of them bleed into my life as a mother...as a wife...as a home-maker.  But recently, I feel like all three of these things have been bombarding me for attention that I'm not sure how to balance them!

Now for the journal entry....read on if you want...or scroll down to the point I'm taking in all of this!  You'll know when to stop scrolling!

Family life.

It drastically changes when your oldest turns twelve.  All of a sudden, she's more involved with Church activities (every tuesday).  She wants to become involved in sports (finally!!!)...Volleyball (FINALLY!!!)...every Wednesday, thursday, and Saturday.  She also wants to spend time with friends instead of babysit.  Ya...still trying to wrap my head around that....c'mon!  I'm the extrovert here...I love the idea of her playing with her friends!  It's therapeutic.  But so are dates...!  I LIVE for my date nights with Ryan!!!

It also drastically changes when your husband is called to be a high position in church service (for my Mormon friends...he is now the Young Men's President....for my not-so-Mormon-savvy friends...he's in charge of all of the youth boys from the age of 12-18).  He also has activities every Tuesday night, meeting early in the morning on Sundays, on top of being on call at the hospital and his normal crazy day to day hours in the OR.

It also drastically changes when your second car purchase is a two-seater...yes...COUPE!!!  BEST and WORST decision EVER!  I love Dr.305, our Mini Cooper The Works Sport, black with red racing stripes...manual drive (bring on that stick shift!!!), 0-60mph in 3 seconds...ahhhhhh...OH, and did I mention, IT'S A CONVERTABLE????  Oh, glory!!!  Well, it's not so convenient when both parents have to be in two different places on the same night, with 2 kids that need to go where Ryan is going, the other 2 can't be left alone at home, so gym is the only option, and only one car that fits all the kids and the other doesn't fit 3 people...Sorry Ethnie, you don't get to ride in the mini for a long while.

Zumba life.

Couldn't be better....but it comes at a cost.  I teach a double class on Tuesdays - one in the morning and one at night.  That also happens to be the day that Ryan, Cambri, and sometimes Adelie need to be at the church for activities.  (see car issue one paragraph up.)  So, I've reluctantly given up my Tuesday night class to help out with that issue.  It was a really difficult decision to make.  I knew when I heard "Y.....oun.....g....M....en's.....Pre...siden.......t" from our bishop's mouth, that my tuesday night classes would go KA-POOSH, and I had just started getting a good following for that class.  Don't get me wrong...I'm glad in a sort of crazy relieving way, I'm passing the torch for that class.  I still have Tuesday morning.  My goal to only teach TWO classes a week is now reached (to be around more for family).  I'm just a little bit sad....that's all.

However, my life and all of its craziness has really taken it's toll on my turnaround time for fresh, up beat songs.  I hardly have time to sit and choreography a song or two.  Heck...I haven't even got the time to whip one up real quick!  That's bad!  In order for me to do that...something must give...my time in either photography or family has to give...it's all about balance, right???

Photography life.

Couldn't be better...but it comes at a cost.  My business is strongly based on word of mouth.  Referrals is how I make money in photography.  It's no surprise!  I've just finally gotten things ready for my studio so I can take amazing picture indoors, where it's nice and cozy....yes, AZ does get cold!!!  and it's plenty cold by my standards!  I've had a steady workflow during the holiday season!  So good, I actually had to turn down people because I was booked until 2015!

However, I'm constantly editing.  I can't help it!  I love editing.  I've found my niche where I can edit through a bunch of images in record time.  If I can get them done fast, then I can spend more time with my family, right?  Then BAM!  My next session has arrived or someone has asked to book a session!

I'm still trying to find a balance.

POINT BEING.....(stop scrolling!)

I've made a self discovery.  I finally realizing I'm the kind of person that needs to work.  Yes, I'm that woman who needs an occupation to find balance and happiness in her life....not just fleeting hobbies (though I like those too)!!!  

What about being a stay-at-home mom???

Wouldn't trade it for the world!  Therein lies my sacrifice.  I've been trying to figure out why I go though "hobby" after "hobby" after "hobby" and never really finding something I can "stick with and just be content with."  And I've found the reason.  It's because I'm not letting myself be a working woman fully.  And I don't mean a full-time employee...it's been a long time since I've been that!  I'm meaning a FULL Zumba Instructor or a FULL Photographer.  Really giving it all...not holding back!  I've often wondered why....why....why, why, why do I feel so much better when I'm teaching or doing a photography session, or working than when I'm playing with kids, cooking dinner, creating a "home-like" feeling?  What's WRONG with me?  I love my children.  I LOVE my children and LOVE spending time with them.  I love watching them grow!  Then why don't I love being a home-maker?  Why do I feel like motherhood is the real sacrifice?  

It's simple.  

I'm a working mother.  And I will always be a working mother.  And I will continue to be a stay-at-home mother for as long as I'm needed.  I will make that sacrifice....GLADLY!

It is a sacrifice.  It really is!  It's sad to give up a Zumba class.  It's hard to turn away clients.  And it's equally hard to say, "no, mommy's working!" or "Mommy's gotta go teach a class," with my kids' faces sad and disappointed.  

But my 2015 goal for balance will NOT be to sacrifice one over the other.  My goal will be to finally ask my children and husband to sacrifice for me so we can all find a balance.  For the longest time, I thought it was ME who had to make the sacrifice to help create a balance because my "hobbies" were what was creating the unbalance in the first place.  BUT I don't think that way anymore.  I think it's because I never really accepted who I truly am, and never really had the guts to ask for a sacrifice from others.  And I know there's gonna be some shifting for everyone, including me.  But I'm actually quite excited about this!  I'm excited to see if this is gonna "work!"

So, yes.  I am a work-a-holic because I'm a Sacrificing Stay-at-Home Mom.  

And I guess....

.....stay tuned!

One, Two, Three...Smile!....I said, SMILE!!!

WARNING: Your ideas that every photographer has perfect photo shoots will be forever squashed after reading this post...it's true, and even though I hate to admit it...it happens!

Last night, I decided not to wait any longer to do a photo shoot that I had planned in my head.  The clothes were purchased, everything 'fit', we were DOING THIS!  I hadn't planned on it going so well with the Fourth of July, but the colors were Red, White, and Blue, that it just seemed appropriate...and PERFECT TIMING!

Or, so I thought!

We had a really late lunch, so I thought we'd hurry and do this photo shoot and then go home and have dinner.

BAD IDEA!!!

The proof's in the pudding...or candids...or just plain 'shake my head' worthy shots that came out.  Let's start from the beginning.

In photography, there's a window of PERFECT LIGHTING...it's called the "golden hour."  It happens around an hour after sunrise and an hour before sunset.  If you want to shoot during these hours, you have to be quick because within that hour, the lighting changes A LOT, but you can get the most SUPERB images.  That was my goal.

And my first mistake!

Golden hour in Miami is 7:13-ish.  Dinner time when you've had a late lunch is 7:14-ish.  But I didn't have time to feed the kids and fix their hair, and get them ready for my glorious photo shoot in time.  I had limited timing.  Especially since Ryan was now driving home from work...and he wouldn't have much of a transition time.  I had to get all of this done NOW!  No time for food!

As soon as we stepped outside, the rush of humidity almost poured itself onto us.  HOLY MOLY...was it like 100% humid tonight?  Did not plan on this.  I knew we'd all be sweating in 5 minutes!  O'well...I had the vision, I had the plan.  We'd be done in 30 minutes!

OR so I thought!

Got out of the car.  Got to the location.  Looked in my camera bag...where was my lens???  ARRRRGHHHH....well, I guess my 70-200mm will have to do.  It's a really nice lens, but it wasn't going to capture the vision like I'd hoped...I needed my wide angle lens...that was sitting on my computer desk at home!

Ethnie, my very mobile and independent daughter, wants only one thing in the world...to be mobile and independent.  So, having her stand next to Cambri was just NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.  In the arms of daddy she goes.  And then the tantrum starts.

And this continues...and continues,....and continues.....and continues until he releases her to walk wherever she wants.  Yup, there were lots of these:

Then there was the ENDLESS questions from Zacy...."What are the clouds like, mom?"  "Mom, look at the clouds, I think there's lightning!"  "Mom, Ethnie's screaming in my ears...will you tell her to stop?"  "Mom, why can't I have binoculars in my pictures?"  "Can I have a popsicle when we get home?" And the all time favorite: "Are we done yet?" times a million!

In my desperation, I decided to move locations to the fountain....in hopes that'll bring some smiling faces to my kids.  What kid doesn't like fountains???  When I had Ryan sit on the steps, I noticed his socks....oh dear...they were not dirty or awful.  They just were...awful for the picture!  So, I made him take them off and that gave me an idea for this picture:

Because we had a screaming child, I figured this was the best we were gonna get tonight!  And this is what it looked like above the waist:  Perhaps you can see now why I opted to use the crop function in my editing!

A really nice Good Samaritan came to our rescue with Ethnie.  He brought over a teddy bear for her to look at...and eventually ended up holding.  It saved our ears...our failing photo shoot...and by this time, I had already given up on my dreams of the perfect photo shoot.  I was just trying to get this over with...and get at least ONE good shot!!!

This:

To this:

To this:

To this:

Well, Ethnie allowed Ryan to hold her, while she held her new best friend.  I got some great shots of the dynamic duo...with Super Dad in them (Thank goodness for Ryan!).  Then, a miracle happened.  Ethnie let Ryan detach from her hip, and I was able to get some solo shots of my little Diva!  Isn't she ADORABLE????  Kind of makes me forget what a little devil she was 5 minutes before this!

All the while, Zacy is still asking his questions.  Ryan is trying to answer him, but his answers only seem to be sub-optimal, in comparison to mine....even thought they're the exact same answer!  And Cambri and Adelie are swatting mosquitos off of their legs, not so patiently waiting their turn.  

Adelie told me, "Since I kind of look like a Sailor Girl, perhaps I could bring my binoculars?"  I thought it a GREAT idea.  At the time, I thought they'd just be something to keep her occupied while I was taking pics of the other family members.  It ended up being a fun prop for her pics.  It wasn't included in my grand vision...but that had long been abandoned.

I Love this girl and her personality!

Cambri's turn....and I gotta say...I didn't have my heart in it fully.  She's such an amazing photogenic girl.  And I LOVE taking pictures of her.  But it was dark...literally...dark.  The Golden Hour had passed 15 minutes ago and I knew I wasn't going to get any great shot from this lighting.  My ISO was up as high as I could dare...my Aperture was as it's lowest stop, and still I knew they would be grainy photos.  I didn't want to take the trouble of attaching my external flash...and there was NO way I was using my built in flash (think cell phone...blah!).  But with that gorgeous face, anything's possible!!!

Anyways, so here's the things I've learned from this photo shoot:

1. Never try to do a photo shoot with hungry kids...ESPECIALLY hungry babies!

2. Just expect one (or more) of your children to be asking questions CONSTANTLY throughout the shoot. 

3. BRING YOUR BUG SPRAY if you're shooting in the middle of the summer, in Miami, at night...in a grassy area, and where there's water. So, basically EVERYWHERE! We were obliterated by the mosquitos...they went home happy and full. We went home grumpy and hungry. 

4. Be okay with candid shots. What I had envisioned in my head (because i knew my children were angels) was this amazing photo shoot, with everyone happy, smiling genuinely, and with full confidence I could bring to light what I had stuck in my head. What I got was almost the COMPLETE opposite! Screaming baby. Inquisitive son. Bored Tweenies. Tired (but trying really hard to be supportive) husband. 

5.  Bring a Teddy Bear...EVERY TIME!

XOXO,

Katy

Because I'm Happy!

I have SO many reasons to be happy!  But today I'm especially happy for 6 reasons:

Reason #1 -  June 24, 2008 at 3:59pm...Birth

My son, Zac Ethan Craner, was born!  He's the only one of my deliveries that I actually got all choked up and emotional over.  All the others were exhausting and frankly...they hurt too much to get emotional.  Zac's delivery hurt too...but there was something different about it.  Each of my previous deliveries revealed a cute little dark haired baby, chubby cheeks, and quite frankly -- a girl.  When Zac came out and I saw him for the first time, he was blonde.  He looked exactly like his daddy.  And quite frankly -- I'd just delivered a boy.  He was something that reflected the man that I love so much and am so happy to spend the eternities with.  My second memory of Zacy was in the arms of his daddy.  How could I NOT get all choked up???

Reason #2 - 2009-2010, Perspective

This year was a hard one for me.  I was fat.  I was a little down on myself.  Okay, I was on an extended freaking pity pot!  However, this cute little boy continued to shine and give his mama smiles.  He was the EASIEST baby!  He helped remind me that there will always be time to focus on my body...but I only had these precious moments with him & they will pass by and no longer happen again.

Reason #3 - 2010-2011, Patience

This year was when Zacy taught me patience.  And that's something to be happy about.  We moved to AZ, where we learned Zacy had BIG issues with adjustment to new things.  Within the first week of being in our new house, Zacy was waking up screaming and refusing to be comforted.  And he did this about every 2 hours each night.  He did this for 3 months!  Ryan and I were on our breaking point....no sleep...Zacy was escaping from his room....we could NOT contain the screams....and trying to take care of 2 other children...it was HARD!  Finally, we bought a new door handle to his room, and put a sock on the handle (because he knew how to undo those store bought kinds).  Within a week, he was back to sleeping through the night.

This was also the year that we didn't think Zac would ever learn to talk.  He barely said anything.  His behavior patterns and speech delay made us think he was Autistic.  We had him tested, we took him to a speech pathologist.  Everything seemed to be fine psychologically.  All we needed was patience.

Reason #4 - 2011-2012, Acceptance

"Zac, what is your favorite super hero?"  "Do you want to play with a friend?"  "Do you want to play with a car or truck?"

These are all questions that Zacy never really associated with.  He didn't know who super heroes were, nor did he really have any interest in discovering who they were anyways.  Up until this point, he had little desire to interact with anyone beyond his family members.  Anyone from church or in social activities that came up to him and even uttered any words to him, received a big scowl and often times a "Don't talk to me!" statement or the like.  And Zac didn't have any interest in cars, or balls, or the typical toys that boys love (or so I thought).

Instead, his interests were: lightbulbs, wires, tools, electrical outlets, circuits, and pretty much anything that had a current of electricity flowing through it.  During this year, he grabbed a battery, some wire, and a lightbulb.  He then, made it light up.  This year, I learned how to accept my little buddy for who he is, and not try to make him like everybody else!

Reason #5 - 2012-2013, Growth

Zac grew 10ft this year, I swear!  He was no longer my toddler.  He was my little man.  I told Adelie, his older sister, that one day he would be as tall as her and if she persisted in tormenting and teasing him (all big sisters need some sort of leverage against their younger brothers), that he was going to thump on her big time!  This year, it happened!

But Zacy didn't just grow physically this year.  He grew immeasurably mentally and socially.  His vocabulary went from a about 100 words to 10000 words.  His cognitively went off the charts...if you could apply any sort of physics to the sentence, it stuck!  Because of the amazing individual attention he got from his preschool teacher, Mrs. Wendy, she was able to help Zacy blossom into the person he is now.  She had a way of connecting to him that helped him feel secure and happy.  Every time I would try to have him interact in a social setting, he'd retaliate.  Mrs. Wendy helped him overcome that anxiety to a degree...but well enough that he no longer shrank with social interactivity!

Reason #6 - 2013-2014,  Best Friends

Zacy would hand me a piece of paper almost 365 day of the year, which had my name associated with either a "good list" or a "bad list."  I'm happy to say that I made the "good list" more times than not.  But I'm especially grateful for this year because he and I have developed a relationship that I've only dreamed of before.  Because he's such a hard book to read, I've had to put on my listening ears and my compassionate contacts in order to understand him.  So, when he needs extra love, he and I will snuggle and talk about cords and plugs.  When he needs attention, I'll pour him a bowl of cereal and we'll talk about the different things he's learning in school.  When he's being extra sensitive, I try my hardest to give him my undivided attention...but sometimes I make that "bad list" if I'm not fast enough.

But over all, I'm so happy he and I have a status of "Best Friends," judging by the little slips of paper that I receive each day, telling me how much he loves me and I see the cute little stick figures (finally...I'm skinny again!) holding hands and smiling.

And for these reasons, I'm happy!

Why Do Opinions Matter????

Today was a trying day for me...So I've inserted random photos into this post to keep you entertained, with a slight chance that you'll read the words between each photo!

I logged onto Facebook this morning started scrolling.  I usually post pictures and the like at night time, when everyone else has already gone (or are already deep) asleep, and I like to see what kind of activity they've received while I was enjoying my own meager hours of sleep.  Today, almost every other post was a link shared about an LDS (Mormon -- the religion I belong to) woman named Kate Kelly & some others.  She is facing excommunication from the church...yadda yadda yadda....you can read about it, here.

The point is, after every shared link, there was a list of comments of people sharing their opinions on the matter: whether they agreed with it or not.  Why I looked?  Because, for some weird reason, I like to read what other peoples' opinions are about controversial matters.  I should just realize I'm setting myself up for disaster every time I do this, because what I find usually leaves a sour taste in my mouth.  Most of the comments I read this time were really nasty...in my opinion.

Sad...in my opinion.

So, it got me thinking: Why Do Opinions Really Matter & Why Do People Feel The Need To Share Them?  There's just something in the desire to be heard, or the need to express your beliefs.  For some, it's almost a crime NOT to share your opinion (and they have something to say about EVERYTHING), and there are others who are just fine keeping things to themselves.  Where am I?  I think I'm somewhere in the middle.  I don't consider myself a strongly opinionated person, especially not on social media...in my opinion.  There are times when I share a link (mostly about Common Core) where I know I'm gonna get a thrashing from the "opinion whip."  But generally, I try to be as silent as possible, and ignore the pulling of that comment box!  There have been some times where I feel the need to neutralize a comment battle, because when it comes to that point, neither party is listening to what the other has to say, if they ever really listened at all.  But it comes to that question again, "Why do I feel the need to express my opinion?"  Is it really up to me to calm a stormy debate on FB, or once in a while comment on a post that I feel strongly about?

At home, my husband gets an earful...in my opinion.  Sorry, Ryan!

Awwwwww....Ahem.  Sorry, I got distracted...(why are my legs so freakishly darker than the rest of my body?  lol)

Well, up until now, I've been an more of a side-line observer to the "Ordain Women" controversy...in my opinion.  Mostly because I'm still not sure where I stand in the matter.  And although I haven't really made a real stand for or against it, I almost was ashamed at some of the comments I read on some of the shared links...in my opinion.   It almost made me sick that they call themselves Mormons.  And it got me to the point where I wanted to voice my opinion of everyone else's opinion on every one of these shared links I came across...deep breath...I ended up commenting on one.  But the flare had started and it made me want to shout at my cell phone (which was the device I was holding while checking my FB).

So, now that I'm all fired up...in my opinion...I will share with you via Blog, what my opinions are about this and EVERY single religious controversial issue that shows up (please know that I'm referring to all religions, but because I'm Christian, I will be referencing Christ.  Feel free to insert whatever Diety  you worship because the principle remains the same!):

Things I wish I Heard LESS of...In my opinion:

(Ok, I'll stop saying that phrase!)

1) If you don't like it, don't stay. Probably the WORST statement ever when it comes to religion.  And for those of you who are Christians, Christ NEVER taught this!  There are many times where he invites people who don't share the same opinions and beliefs to be with him.  In the Bible, you can read in Matthew 11:18, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."  Or take this example: Luke 5:27-32

27 ¶And after these things he went forth, and saw a publican, named Levi, sitting at the receipt of custom: and he said unto him, Follow me.

 28 And he left all, rose up, and followed him.

 29 And Levi made him a great feast in his own house: and there was a great company of publicans and of others that sat down with them.

 30 But their scribes and Pharisees murmured against his disciples, saying, Why do ye eat and drink with publicans and sinners?

 31 And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick.

 32 I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

...and are we not all "sinners?"  Allow people to believe what they believe, but NEVER tell them NOT to stay with the faith you both belong to just because they believe differently than you!  You can say that if they're talking about Disney Land...but not religion!

2) They got what they deserved.  Grrrrrrrrr.....Probably the statement that I get most fired up with when reading or hearing.  Here's what I think...in my opin...{SLAP!}

John 8

3 And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,

 4 They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

 5 Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

 6 This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.

 7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him firstcast a stone at her.

 8 And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.

 9 And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

 10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?

 11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do Icondemn thee: go, and sin no more.

 12 ¶Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

The people who are chosen and assigned to preside over a body of people, whether it's a large group or a small one, and look over the spiritual affairs of that group, have a REALLY tough job.  They've been given the responsibility to be a "judge."  ...BUT WE HAVE NOT.  When tempted to deal out justice or condemnation, whether its in my head or typing it in a comment box, I remind myself (and am VERY grateful) that God is our Judge and only He knows our hearts.  {Don't get this confused with how we judge right from wrong in our own lives.  I'm just saying we should not ever deal out judgement where it is not our place.}

3) 'She/He' is only going to marry or date someone who shares 'her/his' beliefs.  There's a HUGE difference between "she/he is" and "I will."  Please let 'them' state 'their' own beliefs and if 'they' haven't, don't put words into 'their' mouths!

4) "You just have to have faith..."  This is where it gets tricky for me.  To me, it's VERY important to have faith.  In the big things, and in the small.  And I believe we are on this earth for the trial of our faith...and sometimes, blind faith is all we have to lean on.  But sometimes, when we've been taught that "more faith" is the default of any question we have with religion, we set ourselves on a scary path.  And for some...ahem...MOST, we all have questions, and some of those questions are "make or break"-ers of this faith we're supposed to have.  And generally, these questions arise when we're older and are expected to have a stronger conviction of our beliefs than when we were children.  Why is it so faux pax to question your beliefs? Why are we taught that we just "need to have more faith" if something's not sitting quite well for us?  And then, why is so uncomforting when someone approaches another with these questions?  Isn't a question: a desire to know more?  Isn't that the challenge of the Book of Mormon (Moroni 10:3-5)?  Um...isn't that how we learn and grow and develop?  To me, when I see people speaking against others who are "protesting" or "pleading" for something, they are literally bashing these people's way of asking for more guidance.  I would never tell these people they just "have to have faith..."  And this is where we revert to no. 2 again...

5) No one ever fellowshipped me.  In relation to no. 4, I think that one of the biggest reasons why we have this statement, and why I'm tired of hearing it, is because we've been taught to silence our concerns and to rely more on faith.  I'm reading the Bible and it's amazing to read how many endless questions the disciples of Christ had for him.  Why did they ask?  Because they didn't know!  Why did they ask again?  Because it didn't make sense to them the first time..or second time...or third time.  The point is - They asked!  Christ understood that even his closest followers needed teaching.  He understood that people would need the answers, multiple times.

Why do I wish I heard this particular statement less?  It's because I wish it weren't even a statement at all.  I wish more people felt comfortable asking questions, without fear of being patronized, mocked, shunned, or even estranged from the group.  Even more importantly without the fear of feeling dumb, ashamed, or guilty for their feelings.  Christ answered his disciples' questions with love and understanding.  He taught them that we should "love our neighbor as ourselves."  He taught them to "feed my sheep."



S....l....o.....w....l...y.........I.....n....h....a.....l......e.....


now.........E......x.....h......a....l..e....

I hope in reading this, you can now feel comfortable sharing your opinions and feelings with me.  I'm not even quite sure I answered my own question.  Honestly, I think it might be one of those "on-going" questions that will take years and eons to discover.  But for now, I'm ok with my current opinions on the matter...in my opinion, wink wink.

XOXO,
Katy